punishing a 14 yr old step daughter

Jennifer - posted on 06/22/2010 ( 15 moms have responded )

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i punished my step child last weekend. i threatned i would make her do her own washing etc when she is over if she doent shower or bath at nite.the following 2 weeks she was over so last weekend she stayed the nite n didnt have a shower even tho i asked her to b4 iwent to bed iam22 weeks pregggos witha 2yrs old as well so i was buggered.she egnored me n didnt have one so sat morning i made her striped her bed n wash n dry them out side as i had taken the aira up n she wasnt impresed at all bf wasnt happy i punished her like that didnt say much to it either wheni told himi did it but am i rite to do so.iamonly 22yrs old n she is 14 yrs n i remmeber mum doing this punishment to me if i didnt keep my room tidy y do teens theses day refuse to shower is it her just being a bitch because iam having another child with her dad or what yeah i plann to keep punishing her but i want her to be able to talk to me which she isnt any more bf doesnt see a problem with her not showering but iam trying to let her know its hygiene to do so n she could end up with infections but she dnt give a stuff what can i do next???

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Jennifer - posted on 07/28/2010

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i see where ur coming form but i dnt do it for her i would not worry about it at all but i care for what she goes home to tell her mum about us her mum is a dispiteful bitch n wil do anythign in her power to get more money out of us n give us less access to her n its goona be hell damaging to my bf if she does go home n tells mum dad doesnt make me have a shower n she is prob taking tab on it too as she records every phone call or text she gets form us n has already tried to pin a shit load of things on us as it is already.its hard no comumication ever happens n its what her mum wants n never what she wants or her dad wants n my step child is scared of her own mum like wtf so i dnt mind her seeing iam the horible step mum as its protecting my bf image when she goes home.i would feel horrible if she took us to court over this tiny issue but i wouldnt put it past her at all.my step child thinks we have no part in ur up bringing or her clothes on her back n food on the table i feel like explaining we pay ur mum money every week but she dnt undertsand according to her thats mum money not our money

Di - posted on 07/20/2010

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Hi Jennifer. Please don't take what I am about to say as a criticism of what you are doing. Please take it as a way of resolving what can be a volatile situation instead.

I sense that this is more about both of you trying to dominate the other then anything else. If you look at it from her point of view she never had a choice for any of this. Certainly not wether she had a stepmother, nor would she have been pleased about suddenly being told she had to share her dad with another woman, then along comes your babies. She had no control over it and had to adapt. She will fight to keep anything that she does have control over. Her personal hygiene is just that, something she can either choose to do or not. If you back off and let her deal with the consequences of her actions instead of trying to force your will on her, then the situation will calm down and when she decides to shower, don't even so much as smirk in her direction.

Our western society doesn't like the smell of body odour and most teenagers are predictable in telling their friends they stink. So apart from buying some really strong air freshener and using it when she is around, she will get the message quicker then you think. As to her washing the sheets, maybe leave that one til just before she leaves. Really it should be bf who is enforcing that and not you anyway.

In the 7 years I have been dealing with stepchildren I have learnt one thing. Each issue that you have, you need to decipher wether it really does affect you or not. If it does affect you then stand up for yourself. But if its like this situation, where it really doesn't affect you greatly, then its not worth the hassle it causes between you and your partner. Pick your battles carefully, because if you battle over every issue then you start living in a war zone. Remember that your sd can escape that, but your bio kids cant. Good luck and I hope I have helped some.

Jennifer - posted on 07/16/2010

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hahahaha i agree with majority of you guys ay ive been a step mum for 3 going on 4 yrs ive tried everything i left her sheets that long that i got annoyed at the smell n had to wash them my self.i had a chat with dad a wile ago about her hygiene n that she was actinig wierd wheni asked her to take a shower n we just left it n she got okay with it she has a step dad but iam not sure if anything ever happened wouldnt surpise me if he did he is a wanker of a guy.thanks for the advice iam gonna try some of it.i do have girlie time with her as i stay at home now she is with me when her dads at work etc.i dnt find running a bath for a 14 yr is exceptable she can do it her self... her mum has raised her dif to what i was raised at n i crtn do everything fo rher when she has her own two hand n feet.her mum has babied her a shit load she is 14 n only just learnt wat poof ment n i had to give her the period talk at 13 as her mum just handed her a pad n said u will get ur period soon so its a wierd set up her n her mum iam trying to be a nice step mum but its hard.b4 i came along dad never paid his bills n gave her everythign.so now we have a fmaily we r struggling n she expect everything n all i want is her to respect that we dnt have the money to spend on her all the time. n i htink thats y she defies me when i ask her to shower.i can undertsnad her being shitty getting whta she wants n then i come along having kids n i always say no as we crnt afford the things she wants but yeah i could go on n on about things but i really cbf.ill try what i can do n yeah we will see how it goes thanks again every 1

[deleted account]

I agree with the others that there may be something else behind this. Maybe issues with her working out her place in your family or something more worrying like the other ladies have suggested?

I do think alot of kids these days are more relaxed about personal hygiene than we were at their age- no idea why, but it seems to be quite common. We had this issue with oldest SS not using deodorant- kind of a big issue because we live in a tropical climate where it's hot most of the year. And sometimes it was that bad that I wanted to throw up when he got close- not his fault but it was BAD! And I have to say I wondered how no one else had noticed or made comment to him about it. When I asked other mums for advice, alot of them told us to embarass him into using it- I've got no issue with those who do this- but we didnt as we know him well enough to know this particular child would not have responded well to it. We just persisted with reminding him every day (although it TOTALLY got on my nerves as he's 13 not 3 and like you I have 2 little ones to run after, I didnt think I still had to run after the 2 big kids- who should know better- as well) So eventually I asked my hubby to have a talk to him- turned out he was using body spray but didnt understand that it's not an anti-perspirant and doesnt stop body odour, it's just a substitute for after-shave. Now he gets it and he uses deodorant and we dont have a stinky kid anymore.

And I have to agree with Amy- she should be doing her own laundry anyway- I know it's easier to do it ourselves and you probably dont want her room to smell too, but hey- maybe if you leave her in her stinky sheets long enough she might gross herself out and get the message- lol!

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Well, first, at 14 she should be doing her own laundry anyway. It's important for them to learn responsability and laudry is a great way to start. I made my kids (bio and step) start doing there laundry at 10.

2nd, pick your battles, you can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink. tell her that not keeping clean can result in acne and body oder , neither of which are attractive to boys. If she still doesnt fully shower, ask her to comprimise with a whore bath (washing up inthe sink, cleaning face, under arms and teeth). The problem is partly jealousy, your young and prego, all she sees is a replacement family.

I raised my step son from 5 years old and he is now 19, I have 4 step moms and I hated them all. They treated me as a threat, like I was the one that threatened their future with my dad.

What do you do with your SD other, tell her what she should and shouldnt do? Do you spend any quality time with her? Do you try to bond with her by having girl time? Have you tried to talk to her and ask her why she has a problem with you? If she blatently ignores your requests then she has no respect for you and you need to find out why? You are the adult and it's your responsability to understand why she feels the ways she does. She is young and has no real life experience. You need to try to be more like a big sister rather than a mother figure, and then later when she finds that your a good person not out to steal her daddy, you'll find she is probably not a bitch but just a scared little girl.

Betty - posted on 07/09/2010

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It's not SD's fault you're preggers and have a toddler so don't use that as an excuse for being a less supportive caregiver. It doesn't take that much effort to get the bath ready for her and escort her in if that is what she needs you to do. My mom was caring for 11 kids at one time and always took the time to help each child when they needed her. We were all so lucky to have that kind of support at home and every child deserves the same no matter what age or capability.

Meg - posted on 07/06/2010

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I had this issue with my Step son! We had so many problems with hi having showers, 5 days he would go without one. So in the end we use to embarrass him by saying that he smelt and in front of people as well. This was the final straw after doing the hygiene talk etc. It worked! Seriously, but I'm guessing at the end of the day we might not have been the only people doing it!

Jocelynn - posted on 07/05/2010

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That's interesting that your SD doesn't do "proper" hygiene, because my SD who is 16 doesn't either. She takes a shower everyday but she will wear the same clothes for days at a time. And she will go out in public with dirty clothes, i might be a neat freak but I don't like my boys wearing the same clothes the next day because of sweat and stuff especially if we leave the house. Hair is always a complete mess with knots and she intentionally does that to her hair and she likes to cut up all her t-shirts even if we get her a new one. I kind of agree with everyone about the punishment, but to only a point. If your SD is with you for more than a couple of days and ignores you when you request she take a shower and you feel comfortable to give her consequences (which I don't to my SD bc SD ignores me and I am tired of wasting my breath) then yeah have her be responsible for herself and her stuff. Kids are cruel especially at this age and I am sure if she hasn't been bothered by her classmates because of "poor" hygiene then I am sure it's coming and maybe that's when your SD will flip the lightbulb on. I wish you the best of luck, I'm older and I have major issues with SD since I have only been one for 2 years i can only imagine how this must be for you.

Vanessa - posted on 07/03/2010

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Punishment probably doesn't fit the crime hun!
Talk to her BM if it's really a big things for you -and your hubby NEEDS to back you up - even if she sniffs that he doesn't quite agree with you, she's won the battle!
My SD showered herself, but still when she bent over near you, you'd get a waft of a stinky weewee. I made a few well placed comments about her little friends running away from her and no one wanting to play with a lil girl who was a stinky winky! I showed her how to shower correctly (BM had never shown her how to wash her privates and just rinsed water over the outside areas) and I gave her a mirror! She had no idea what she looked like down there even! On the rare days when a shower isn't going to happen (and sometimes life gets in the way and it simply doesn't happen!) I bought her a pack of feminine hygiene wipes - so the deal is, even if you get up too late for a shower - at least your weeweee gets freshened!
I never did a single thing with my SD about this, without first running my gameplan past her father. If BM was to ever chuck a wobbly over it - he would then be fully informed as to the situation and how I'd handled it! Dealing with hygiene is sensitive.
Georgetta is also correct in looking for a underlying personal issue or insecurity about cleaning "there" --- I once had a client who refused showers to the point of kicking, screaming and fighting violently. A little bit of digging around and I discovered years ago she was abused in a shower - so what did we do? Switched the client to baths. She loved her baths and would happily take one daily! I am in no way saying she's been abused, but trying to illustrate that what can at first seem like aggravating or downnright rude behavior - may have another cause.
If all else fails, then yes certainly - YOUR HOUSE,YOUR RULES, YOUR CONSEQUENCES - but due to your closeness in age just make sure the punishment fits the crime and not just be harsh because you are trying to establish seniority over her. Respect and trust must be earned. If you show her you respect and value her - you'll get the same in return.
Good luck!

Jessica - posted on 07/03/2010

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omg i know exactly how u feel i'm 23 with a 15 yr old step daughter a 3 yr old step daughter and a 19 month old daughter with their dad she does not listen and she won;t help load the dishwasher or fold laundry she has recently help do the laundry but excepts me to fold hers and i won't i fell she is old enough she listens to her dad for the part but she always talking back and being rotten and she tries to be sneaky she's been in trouble with the law and been locked up and even after all that she was running away it's like she don't care so i feel you did right and she needs to listen and her dad needs to back u up or step up and punish her him self good luck

Tara Lee - posted on 06/30/2010

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Although I don't agree with you punishing her for not taking a shower every night, I agree that if you have rules in the house and she is not obeying them, then YES, you punish her. We have rules at our house and ALL my children follow the same rules and get the same punishments. I don't really care who gave birth to them! Only ONCE did anyone say anything about me punishing one of the children...my answer was "MY HOUSE, MY RULES, MY CONCEQUENCES!"

Jennifer - posted on 06/24/2010

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i dnt like to punish her but she is so lazy her mum does everythign fo rher n i work full time n preggos n with a 2 yrs old too i just want her to pull her own weight i did at that age n wouldnt dare to think to piss my mum off after she has worked a full weel i know iam not her mum but i expect the same sort of respect that i dnt get she doesnt get a bed time when she is over n allowed unlimited time on the net so she should understand it goes both ways n she has had thta since she was like 10yrs old

[deleted account]

I have 9 yr old SDs and until recently they didn't know how to bath themselves properly. The girls' dad and I were very shocked to learn that the girls BM had never taught them how to wash themselves properly. I had to go in and show them how to bath properly.

Maybe she was never taught how. I know that sounds weird, but we assume our girls knew how until we learned otherwise.

Betty - posted on 06/23/2010

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If she gets an infection she gets an infection. It's OK if she forgets to take a shower at night, you don't have to punish her for it, just tell her to take one the next morning. I don't always take a shower before bed time and I don't have the shower police waking me up and forcing me to clean my sheets. She will never respect you when you try to control her like that.

Georgetta - posted on 06/23/2010

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I would see if dad or even BM would talk to her about it. If all else fails, that may require you guys taking her to her next doctors appt or make an appointment and have them stress the need for personal hygiene esp for females. She may just be doing it now to aggravate you. But there may be some underlying personal issue or insecurity that she has and doesn't feel comfortable cleaning herself up there. Just a thought. Good luck.

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