Question for step mothers with children. Has this ever happened to you?

Kristy - posted on 02/28/2010

bm can be overly protective when there is a new mummy on the scene. been there with hubby ex before my kids came aloong. jealousy is problem number one. lies follow it. it is hard to find a bigger place when there are kids involved when they are not there full time i know. but fight for them! your kids need to grow with them not them thinking they are being avoided. prove her wrong. when you drop them off tell them what was the best part of their stay in front of bm ask them did they have fun and enjoy themselves. did they come to terms about that new toy ar video game. typical step sibling behaviour. she'lll get over it but do fight for them your their step mum and you love them as much as your own kids. good luck.

Jennifer - posted on 02/27/2010

My stepson visits on a regular basis {every other weekend} We recently moved in2 a new house but previously had basically a huge studio any way it goes my 2 kids are toddlers 3-2 boy/girl in our new house they share a bedroom {we have a 3rd bdrm but it is downstairs n we use it as storage} I once had chid services out to my house {at the old place} and they said our arrangement was perfectly fine {our kids were both under 2 then} but now when my SS visits he sleeps in the same room as the babies {on blankets on the floor} I am still having a huge issue trying 2 understand this order u have
1. That is YOUR kids home NO1 has the right 2 say they cannot be in their own home
2.Is there something else going on to this story?
3.Why cant your stepchild just sleep on the couch during his visits? They are just that visits its not his residence!
4.You are MARRIED to your husband you should be in court and mediation with him and his ex as you are now his wife No1 can deny you standing by your husband especially when it concerns your household
5.Please contact your local Legal Aid or even some Law Schools offer free representation/ pro bono legal services Or simply contact a Fathers Rights attorney 4 a consult and get legal advice 4 your family
6. Have you yourself spoken with the ex? Yes I know they are coniving and just plain pains in the ass to deal with {believe me the 1 I deal with takes the cake she refuses 2 divorce my husband-in-love as I call him after almost 7 yrs and we have 2babies lol a Maury Show case lol} But maybe just talking to her yourself can help I find that being extra kind and using a pleasant tone of voice works wonders
n last but not least you and your husband and kids {no matter who is bio mom or bio dad} are a family his children are also part of that family as well as yours and no court has the right to deny any of your family the right to bond together as a family There has to be some kind of middle there where every1 can come to an agreement about this situation Like I said earlier in the future stand your ground and be included on these court decisions as you are legally the wife now and this involves your family and your household You can also maybe try some sort of counseling look into your towns resources there are many community partner groups that will give you some free counseling and you can seek advice there
Good Luck and I pray that your family comes to an agrrement that is fair to every1 in this situation every chance that your blended families have to bond are precious moments that can never be replaced Do what you need to do as the mother/stepmother in this situation and sorry to say hun but sometimes as the stepmom we have to bite our tongues put on a happy face and kiss the ass of the ex in order to make things right for all children involved in the situation it can be hard at times but I think in my head the entire time that I am doing it that this is whats best for all the kids and like I said earlier the ex I deal with is the monster of all ex's I often joke that I should write a book {it would probably be a Bestseller}

Betty - posted on 02/27/2010

When I first got married and moved in we had a one bedroom home. My SD was only 3 and BM took it upon herself to tell us that we could not all sleep in the same room. It's like BM was afraid we would fool around with SD in the same room or something. Now SD has her own room but there are times she is scared or sick and ends up sleeping in our room anyway. I think kids should be able to sleep wherever they want. My parents would let us pass out wherever we happened to be when we got sleepy and we all turned out fine. Some people are just more traditional and we need to respect that whenever possible. I'm sure if your husband wouldn't have told the mediator that your kids have somewhere they can go that stipulation wouldn't have been added. I don't think you should fight it if you just got done with the whole court thing. Just think positive and make it work by doing things together during the day. You can try fixing it the next time BM calls for mediation. If the SK's really really miss having sleepovers just tell them it is up to BM or just tell BM there was an emergency and your kids couldn't go see their grandparents(but tell her that after the visit, not before, hehe).

Betty - posted on 02/27/2010

I'm sorry about your situation.
The kids can still get to know each other though. Just do things as a family until it gets close to bedtime and then send them off to their grandparents for the night. I'm sure the last thing you want to do is stay in a small apartment with the whole bunch of them so meeting at a park or or something should be fine and I'm sure vacations are fine as well. It sounds like the mediator was just doing what she felt was right in this situation.

Tammy - posted on 02/21/2010

I am a BM of 3 daughters (13, 12 and 9 1/2) and SM to 2 daughters (10 and 8) and 1 son (6). None of them are with us at ALL times (all shared custody). 4 years ago when this all started the kids thought it was all fun to have big sleepovers, share clothes and toys and all that; but as the years have gone on and they have all got older we are finding that they all want some sort of privacy. The oldest girl chose a basement room (that we are still trying to get completed, but she uses it anyway) and the other 4 girls share 2 rooms on the 2nd floor (we are now talking about a curtain or something like that for extra privacy there). The youngest (our boy) has his own room now but it also doubles as a computer room/office. The problem is that the kids turn into real brothers and sisters and need to have an escape at times. Trust me sometimes when there are 8 of us in the house and 2 dogs I go to my room and shut the door just for peace. Even if they have to share rooms give them each their own "space". When we finish all the rooms they are going to be decorated as the kids want them, the shared rooms we are lucky so far (the ones sharing want the same decor). Our kids don't always want to be here when "the other kids" are here so we try to split it up sometimes, that way they don't get so sick of each other and they each get space (when only half are here no one has to share). We don't have a big house (1 1/2 story with partial basement) but we made it our home and will continue to accomodate our children as best we can, it just helps us all stay sane in this crazy world.

Jennifer - posted on 02/20/2010

What state do you live in? I dont believe that legally they can say your children cannot be in their own home! There is no possible way that can happen You are married and visits are visits if need be then some kids may sleep on a rollout or even sleeping bags I would contact his attorney or the clerk of the court because that is just not legal in our UNITED STATES I find it odd that that would be even in writing! A father has the right 2 visitation no matter where he lives! Hun we started off in a studio apt and had our 1st baby there which meant when my steps came to visit we ALL slept basically in the same room NOWAY can ANY1 tell your children they have 2 leave THEIR home so another child can be there NOWAY! Its a visit they are not living in your home so I have 2 disagree with Heidi its a visit not a living situation! A 2 bedroom is fine 4 your your lil family! Hope u can work it all out!

Julie - posted on 02/19/2010

Seems kind of wierd that the courts would deny your children the right to their home and mother only to secure the right of his kids? I would question it too. I would be more concerned that your children will feel excluded or "dirty" if they are told they have to leave when the other children come. Seems like a whole lot of hurt, confusion and stress to put on the kids. Good luck!

Miranda - posted on 02/19/2010

Nichole: It looks like you have your hands full, I read your posts and everyone else's too and as you can see some ex's push there (its for the best interest of the child) card to often. I have two step children and my husband and I have a child together. I have went through hell the last 6 months with his ex too on a couple of matters. Let me remind you of this, NO MATTER how much a parent talks about there child's other parent a child will make there own decision about that parent and always love them no matter how great or crappy they are. I know your thinking what does that have to do with this, but it has everything to do with it. This ex prob talks about you both, you just need to watch what actions you make and what you say. If the court papers say that your kids can't be there then call the attny and question it, it isn't right or fair, but its the guidelines if he is to get his children. You need to get that changed SOON! Second you have to do whats best for your family (AT HOME)! I love my step children my step daughter is 5 yrs old and I love her as if she was my own. But my husband pays his child support and sees her as much as he can possibly see her. But we have to make choices for what's best as a daily life here at home. YES at some point you have to find a bigger house bc its to crowded for them, BUT you only have the kids 4-6 days a month, SO if at this moment in time you can't upsize you do what you can in the now. I have stressed and prayed continuously over my situation and my husband tells me all the time, it will work out and if the ex doesn't want step d to come over then that's the way it will be for now, not forever.
Don't stress, pray for the Lord's will to be done, then you and your husband join forces like a solid rock and do what you can!!
Hope that helps....God Bless.

Karen - posted on 02/19/2010

On the other note I am a Mom of 3 and a stepmom of 2. I have sole custody of my 3 which are a boy 91/2, a Boy 8 and a girl 51/2 and we have custody of my husbands son 13 almost 14 and his Daughter 17 is moving back in with us in March. My Ex is living with his girlfriend which is the woman whom I divorced him over whom he said was just a friend and she has two kids whom she doesn't have custody of which are a Boy 3 and a girl 5. They get my kids and her kids on the same weekends so thats five kids under the age of 10. They usually also have my exs niece on those weekends to whom is 12 they have a three bedroom house yet all sleep in my exs and girlfriends room together. At our house all of my kids and stepkids have their own bedrooms so I am not trying to be a nasty ex I am just trying to look out for my kids . I also had a talk with my daughter the other day she was calling his girlfriends daughter her sister and I told her that she was not her sister if her dad and his girlfriend are not married I said that my husbands kids are her brother and sister because we are married. It is hard enough having to share your kids with someone that hurt you so much and has such totally different views of disapline and morals. good luck to all just trust in God and do what you now is right and everything will go with Gods will.

Loretta - posted on 02/19/2010

Ex's I wish they would just get over it. My husband has an ex and she's a real b. Makes life difficalt. Tring to explane things to my daughter about her is so very hard. I think that it's bs that your kids need to leave when his come over. That's like saying that you might as well leave too. I know that's how I would feel if my husband's ex say my daughter couldn't be here. I know I'd tell him that i would see him after his kids went home. I can't be apart from my daughter drives me crazy.

Terri Ann - posted on 02/18/2010

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

Sharra - posted on 02/18/2010

I feel your pain. We are a blended family of seven also. Isn't it odd, in all the posts here, that men never seem to be the problem. My ex and I have a great relationship. But the Hubs ex's are another story. We have custody of his daughter from his first marriage. Every other weekend visits with his boys from marriage #2. I can honestly say, after about the first year of issues with wife #2, all has been resolved and we all have a good relationship. Wife #1, however, takes us to court at least once a year for one thing or another. I am going to pray for each and every one of you that posted issues on this link, right now. Remember to put your children first, because they are the ones that will remember how you handle things right now. They will know who made what choices and in the end it will affect their feelings towards the parent that made life harder than it had to be on them. They might be children, but that doesn't make them stupid. God bless you all.

Rachael - posted on 02/18/2010

Well im almost dealing with the same thing I have 2 children from a previous marriage and an infant with my husband and he has 2 children from 2 different women and there both different the one that has a 7 year old dosent want us to have her at all but the courts still gave my husband shared rights she takes us to court it seems like over everything she follows us when we pick her up on the weekend its a complete nightmare and we had issues also about space there is 7 of us as well and me and my husband run a group home for the mentally chanllenged so its even more crazy all the kids share a room we have 4 beds in one room but my oldest is 11 and hes a boy so we had the same issues with that but it never went as far as my children would have to leave cause honestly if that where to have happened it would have destroyed our family. These women just cant handle the fact the one parent has moved on this has nothing to do with the kids or your kids its all about control of the other parent sad to say more and more women are not caring about the children just there own wants. I have hopefully you dont run into this one my husbands 3yr old mother is taking him back to court as well for more child support but since we got married last year she isnt happy about how much she gets from him so she filed for me to take a depo to disclose all of my income since I make more than my husband she feels like I should pay her support as well it has become such a stress in my marriage I had to tell my husband that I would have to file for divorce I cant help him pay for his children when I have 3 of my own to raise my children from my 1st marriage dont even get child support there father took off out of the country and dosent have anything to do with them I cant cut my own children off just cause I got married and this woman dosent want to work and take care of her and to top it off she is not a child she is 38 and never has moved out of her parents house why she would need me to help pay something that is already taken out of my husband check is very frustrating I owe them nothing and your children owe this lady nothing as well as far as Im concerned what the courts have done in your situation is harsh and taking the family out of the home is crazy I would file another motion to change the outcome for if that contuniues it will break the family ties. Kids are kids there going to fight I got that as well your kids hit my kid etc but they all act like kids thats what they are kids. When it comes down to it your husband is going to have to fight her on every issue probley until they turn 18.

Nichole - posted on 02/17/2010

I have bunk beds for my children. I have considered getting another set, but with dressers, toy boxes, etc... I find it hard to be able to fit all of that in one small space!

April - posted on 02/17/2010

I am a step mom, and when ex's get involved with your home it is complicated. I can understand her (worries) over where the children are sleeping when visiting, but it is down right wrong to totally seperate the children like that. I think she is being spiteful not that the home is small. The family can NOT blend if the children do not spend time together to learn to care about each other you are very right there. When I took over in my family the ex was NOT involved Thank God, but, there was quite some tme before everyone all our children his~ 3 me~1 and then we had 1, came together as a family. But to blend and make things work that stipulation needs to be removed from that agreement. That is very unfair I feel to you and your husband as well as the children.

Ginger - posted on 02/17/2010

Wow Nichole! Sounds like you have a very difficult situation. The best way to find out the state regulations regarding when children should be separated due to sex/age is to call your local Social Services Dept. Or Child Protection Services and ask basic questions about the state rules. However, be careful what you tell them because you dont want to give too much information mainly because you dont want there to be questions about your ability as a parent. As a public servant and a step-parent, It is my opinion that in blended families that each child have his or her "own space" where he or she can have privacy to sleep or play. If your home/ apartment is so small that all your children can not sleep in a bed of thier own then maybe you should consider Bunkbeds. It is easy to have two sets of bunkbeds that can fit in one room that would accomodate 4 kids. I know money may be tight right now for your family but you may be able to find bunkbeds cheap but you may have to buy the matresses.

Remember that you can not control what biomom says or does. All you can do is control what you do or say. Dont give her any amunition to use against you.

Pray and seek guidance from GOD!! Being a blended family is difficult and can only be handled with care and love and with God's guidance.

I pray that GOD give you strength and guidance during a difficult time.

God Bless you!
Ginger

Nichole - posted on 02/17/2010

The situation is this. We have five children total. There is our 16 month old boy, my 5 y/o daughter, my 7 y/o son, his 8 y/o daughter, and his 9 y/o son. The way we handled it in the past was either make the boys and girls alternate couch sleeping and bedroom sleeping, or the boys slept in one bed and the girls in another. We even have a blow up mattress they can use. It is like a big sleep over party sometimes and they all enjoy it. The baby sleeps in his bed in our room when they are all over here. It's worked out fine before. The step kids always want to sleep in the same bed together when my kids are not present. So I don't validate what the mother says about them not wanting to stay here because they have to share beds. She is always trying to get in the way of our visits by scheduling events on the weekends we are to have them, however the court document clearly states now that she can't do that anymore. We'll see. She never followed it before, why would she do it now. I don't know what the law is for California, but I was under the impression that 9 was the age that boys and girls must have rooms separate from each other. Where would I look to find this out? And I agree, since I do pay a majority of the bills here and claim head of household, I shouldn't have to make my kids stay anywhere. This is as much their home as it is anyone else. It's not a big issue as they do tend to want to stay with their grandparents on weekends anyways, but like I said, I wanted to stop that once we were able to have the step kids back for overnight visits. I will continue to try to work things out for the best for our family, but right now a move is just not possible.

Mandie - posted on 02/16/2010

That is outrageous! You shouldn't have to 'get rid' of your kids when his stay at your home! Whilst I can see how it would be cramped in a small apartment, there are plenty of children living in much more challenging and arguably inappropriate settings, which the US Court system doesn t seem to address. I'm from Australia and that kind of ruling would never stand up here b/c it is specifically written into our Family Law Act that no one has the right to interfere with a child's relationship with any other person in the child's family- and the legal definition of 'family' within this Act goes on to define that family can include people who are NOT biologically related to the child. I would definitely have this one questioned.

Rebecca - posted on 02/16/2010

Your family is you, your husband & 4 children. The court has NO right to demand your children to not be in YOUR home at ANY time. I have 1 bio daughter, 1 stepdaughter & step son. When they were young they all shared a room becuase of playing games on the tv for shows, etc. Bio Mom complained and we added anotherr bedroom to our House now making it a 4 bedroom house. Even still they all like to sleep together. They are kids. The weekends are slumber parties in our house and sounds the same at your home.



You can also try sleeping bads for the kids to sleep in the living room to watch movies before bed.



Good Luck been there and done that. Some bio moms are just so jealous of the complete happy family that the father has gone on to build while they haven't. God Bless.

Heidi - posted on 02/16/2010

Well anything is possible. You do have a small home for 7 people, and the courts don't like that at all. Once kids turn 7, by law they are to have separate rooms, for the opposite sex. I have to deal with this when my son goes to visit his bio dad and his family(which doesn't happen to often). They have a home that is big enough for my son to have his own room, however when he goes there he always has to share a room with one of his half sisters(he has 3). They are all younger then him. My son will be 11 in April, and needs his space, but when he is there he doesn't get that. He enjoys his visits usually, but there are no things for a boy to do there, other then video games. Everything else is for girls. He always has good things to say, when he gets home, but always complains about having to share a room with a girl.

By the sounds of it the bio mom is trying to cause a few issues and make life difficult for you which is not fair for the kids at all. I do see her point of view for only one thing and that is the kids should have there own space(boys with boys and girls with girls), but it shouldn't be to the point where you have to send your kids elsewhere while the step kids are visiting.You want your family to be together, which is commendable. Even though times are tough, all the kids are at the age where they should at least be sleeping in there own beds and not sharing beds. Maybe you could purchase and fold up cott? That way the kids won't share beds. It might help. Do what it takes to keep the family together, and don't let the bio mom get in the way. Talk to your stepkids or have your husband talk to them to see how they really feel, because thats what matters the most. Kids are smart and can read people just as well as we can, but some of them don't want you to know that. Good Luck!