Real Mom not wanting me involved in School

Nicole - posted on 12/11/2008

I would go ahead and be involved anyway. My husband has me go to parent teacher confrences and such with him. The mom does not help with homework and the boys are having problems reading. They are 10 and 8 and can not read a 2nd grade book. I got involved and found things like this out from the teacher and now when we have them I make it a priority to sit and work with them.

Susanne - posted on 12/11/2008

Jennifer,



You are NOT alone, you are doing NOTHING wrong. Keep doing what you feel is right for you step daughter. The mother will get what she deserves when one day her daughter no longer wants to be around her.



Make sure your husband start backing you up!! He can't live his life trying to make his ex-wife happy. I understand his fear of losing his time with his daughter, but he is letting her control his life. He needs to tell her that you are his wife and anything that he can do, you can also do.



Good Luck!!

Jennifer - posted on 12/11/2008

Danielle, I find some of the same things too. As I have been talking through this over the past week I find somethings funny. Her mom is mad when I do thing with her but yet the step-dad drops her off @ school on Monday's becasue she has to be @ work over an hour away and does not have the time with the new baby to drop her off her-self. The step-dad takes her to the birthday parties on the weekends (not the actaul mother) and when my husband has to meet to pick his daughter up (which is rare unless there is a holiday) the MOTHER is not the one who meets, it's always the step-dad. My step-daughter says her mom was with the baby, she had to change him or feed him or they went somewhere. STRANGE!!! I feel like she does not want me doing things with my step-daughter becasue she does not have time for her herself.

Danielle - posted on 12/10/2008

My current experience is very similar! We have my stepson a few nights a week where he has to be picked up from school. We live over an hour away and my husband is our primary income. I work a flexible job and can leave work early to go pick up my stepson in the afternoon and have him home before dinner...
However his mother thinks it's his DAD'S responsibility, and has actually gotten the preschool to call her when I pick up my stepson - which immediately follows with her calling my husband and complaining that she's not "comfortable" with that.

At the same time she complains my husband doesn't get my stepson early enough in the day and that he doesn't get back to our house until 730 - when bedtime is 800. He doesn't get to see us at all these nights! Yet she can't see how much easier it is on all of us, even her son, for me to get him earlier.

Real mom's can be sooo weird. And frustrating.

Casey - posted on 12/08/2008

From my own experience I would suggest talking with your husband about the problems at hand. He can't always keep the peace. At some point he's going to have to stand up for you and his daughter's best interest. My husband and I went through this for about 2 years. Fortunately it's slowly getting better. It's a rough place to be. The best advice I can give you is to always let that little girl know you love her no matter what happens! Her mother calling to scream every Friday should have no effect on your relationship with her. The only person the arguing and crap is going to hurt is your stepdaughter. Good luck, I wish you the best! Being a step-parent is tough.

Jennifer - posted on 12/08/2008

I want to say THANK YOU to everyone who responded to this. It is so wonderful to know that there are others out there in the same position & that I am not alone. It is very hard but I know we will get through it! Again, THANK YOU!!! I have talked to my husband and tonight @ the PTO meeting where my step-daughter is singing...we will see what happens!

Tara Lee - posted on 12/07/2008

Jennifer, I agree 100% with what Jeanine has said...Also, I think you should have a talk with your husband, about talking to his ex, and not just "keeping the peace"

Erin - posted on 12/07/2008

Your husband needs to have a clearly defined custody outline so that she can't take any time away from him becasue of her jealousy. If it is true she is too busy during the week, then the parents who have the child should be as involved as possible in school! It is too often parents get selfish and neglect paying attention to their child during these growing up years. that's how kids get in trouble! She needs to realize you are doing her a favor by loving her daughter and being involved. She needs to take a special interest in the little time they have together instead of harping on the time you two spend together. She can plan to be there for more school functions if she feels the need, but no reason should you have to back off when there is no one there to pick up the slack you've been forced to give!

Jeanine - posted on 12/07/2008

Jennifer,

I can relate. We have our step-daughter from Wed to Sat almost every week. Her mother has actually banned me from going to the school without her father for things like parent-teacher interviews and stuff like that.Because he works shift work this canoften mean that someone from our house misses out on the entire meeting. I also do the majority of reading and homework with m step-daughter, my schedule allows for this and I feel that school is very important. Like the mother of your step-daughter, my step-daughter's mother has no interest in anything school related. She very rarely does homework with her and never helps with studying, I even have to send practice tests with my step-daughter to do at her mother' house, because "mommy is just too busy to help me". My step-daughter also realizes, at 10 and for the past couple of years that there are just certain things that you don't tell mom or she gets upset. i try to enourage her to tell her mom everything but I never talk to her mother, so I know that many things do not get said. It is easier for my well-being not to talk to her mother at all! I have also been with my husband for just under 7 years, it doesn't ever get easier I think you just learn to cope with her jealousy in anyway that you can. I know that her real mom is jealous of what we do together, but i will NEVER stop doing what I enjoy and know my S-daughter enjoys just so that her mother will feel better. We too get some phone calls every now and then about what i do with her, my husband just tells the mother to do a better job at being a real mom and then she wouldn't feel threatened by what we do together. All of her anger and insecurity comes from her lack of confidence as a mother. I think that if she would feel more confident in her role that she wouldn't feel so threatened by my role in my S-daughter's life. I KNOW that I will never take the place of her real mother and would not want to...the relationship that we have is so different and way better than what they will ever have! I love having my S-duaghter and will 'put up' with whatever her real mother can dish out because i know that her behaviour stems from jealousy of my relationship with her daughter. The most important thing to remember is that you are just as important as her mother and father and never pull away from her just to please her real mother, that is what the real mother wants and the only person being hurt by that is your step-daughter.

I can relate to how hard and what an uphill battle this can feel like, but be strong, as step-mothers we are asked to deal with all the emotion of loving these children like our own and constantly being reminded that we are not the "real mother" Enjoy that, I have learned that we as step-mothers have a much greater role than anyone gives us credit for! We can be a friend, a teacher, a confidant and a step-parent, the real mothers only see the negative in our role, WE need to see the positive so that our step-children will respect us for taking the higher road when they are old enough to understand that their real mothers were trying to take away all the good!

Jennifer - posted on 12/06/2008

My step-daughter is 8. Her father & I have been together since about a month before she turned 4. My husband is one who wants to keep the peace. He does not want to make anyone mad & does not want to upset her mom (he is afraid she will want more time with her which would take time from him). My step-daughter asks me & wants me doing thing with her. She asked me to go on a field-trip a few weeks ago and said she was not going to tell her mother. Of course I did the right thing and told her mom and she went on the field trip...I am not trying to take her place. I have to remind my step-daughter not to lie to her mom about things that we do together. It's sad that she is to the point she does not want to tell her mom stuff because she knows @ 8 her mom will complain about it. I don't want to let her mom's jealousy get the best of me but I can't handle all the phone calls complaining about everything I do. I am here for everything my step-daughter needs during the week but I can't do more than that right now. I just can't handle it personally.

Leslie - posted on 12/06/2008

As a stepmom of 2 kids I take a very active role in their lives especially with school. My husband has equal custody and therefore equal rights with raising the kids and making decisions. He likes that I help with assignments, followup with homework etc. He and I have our own parent teacher interviews seperate from "mom" and make sure to get copies of all school notes etc. We have the kids half of the week. Thier Mom isn't always thrilled that I take such an active role but too bad. She calls and complains to my husband too but it has gotten less over time. (7 years) I won't let her jealousy over my help hurt the kids. She isn't great at helping with school stuff etc. so I am. I have also enrolled the kids in activities (along with my husband) If she doesn't like it too bad. My husband is an equal parent. (I am his wife)

Tara Lee - posted on 12/06/2008

Questions ?, 1. what is your husbands response to the phone calls, 2. what does he think of the situation, 3. what does your step-daughter want ? (does she want you to take her) oh, how old is she ?