Resenting the Step kids because of their mother

Christa - posted on 06/22/2009 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I have two step kids boy, 11 and girl 8. They are good kids, the 8 year old has some behavioral problems but nothing major just a little bratty. Anyway they live with their mother 12 hours away. The second she and my husband split up she ran home to mommy (6 hrs away) and then she followed husband #3 (my husband was #1) another 6 hrs further away. So needless to say we hardly ever get to see them. We have one daughter and another due in Feb. Here's my problem.



Their mother doesn't recognize that it takes two people to break up a marriage, in fact the only reason they got married is because she got pregnant with their son after dating for 2 months. Anyway she blames my husband for everything and is constantly blaming him for leaving the family, when he didn't he left her and she took the kids to the other side of the country. We don't have money to get a lawyer and fight her for them and she constantly wants more money and makes it close to impossible to see the kids. As a result I HATE her, I feel like we waste so much money on her and she doesn't even use it on the kids. I feel like it's hurting the life my children are going to have because she's so hell bent on punishing my husband. I know how much it hurts him to not see his kids and I try to be sympathetic to that, but since I hardly ever see them I really don't have a relationship with them. They are like cousins to me. So I really could care less if we see them or not I just see them as a burden. Secretly I wish my husband would just give up his rights, since I feel like he doesn't have any anyway. Does anyone else feel this way? Am I an awful person? Help, I need some advice from someone who's been there.

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Christa - posted on 06/23/2009

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Thanks for all your kind words!! It's nice to know I'm not alone. I'm going to try and not hate her, though I know it will be hard. Thanks again!! :-)

Diema - posted on 06/23/2009

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Hey Christa,

Your not an awful person for feeling the way you do. I have to agree with Di Kennedy. I hated my husband's bm for some time and that caused me to have bad feelings for my stepson. She made life a living hell for all of us. But once I realized that I was hurting myself more then her by holding on to all that anger, I learned to forgive and I started praying for her. The relationship between my stepson and I is much better then it use to be. Don't forget that your husband has rights too. There are several programs out there that would help him free of charge. Just remember that every child deserves a relationship with there father, even when it seems unbearable.

Denise - posted on 06/22/2009

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ex wife are a pain in the XXX. You need to stand your ground with her allways. dont give her an inch. Dont ask your husband to give up his rights. He and his kids need that bond for when someday he does see them they dont think he just gave them up just like that. My husband and I took his son away from his mom last year. And we just got his daughter 3 weeks ago. ex wife is dummer than a box of rocks. I dont let her pull the punches anymore. I give it right back to her and she has backed down alot. Good luck. You are a good mom and are trying to protect your own family. GOOD FOR YOU!!! Be strong and pray. Pray alot it helps. Some day I wish my husband did'nt even have kids. Just so I don't have to deal with her. I would be glad if she moved away. Far far away would be nice.

Leaha - posted on 06/22/2009

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Hi Christa. I can tell you right now that I don't think you are an awful person for feeling this way. I secretly feel the same way, and we get to see my two youngest step kids on a some what regular basis. Their mother is just a complete moron, and we only get to see the kids when it's convinient for her, even though we have a court order for visitation. I know what you're saying about the attorney too, they aren't cheap, but I'll warn you, you'll probably get attacted for saying anthing about not getting to see the kids and they'll tell you there are no excuses. I KNOW there are problems when it comes to visitation with children that are out of state, my oldest step daughter lives only 3 hours away in another state (we think, we never get to see her so we don't really know where she is, but can't afford the attorney to find her and get visitation). Anyway, I can definately relate to how you are feeling. Bio-mom #2 that I have to deel with fills the kids heads with crap and is always making them feel bad for wanting to spend time here with their dad and I. If they have any form of fun it seems like they get in trouble. She even punishes them for calling me mamma. They have started treating me with such dissrespect, that I really hate it when they are here. No matter what I ask them or tell them to do, they just completely ignore me. And then I have my husband complaining that my bio-daughter is a spoiled brat and gets what ever she wants, when really it's his two that get everything and get away with murder! And I also think all the time how nice it would be to not have to pay all that child support, but I don't know if I could support his decistion to sign over rights, even if we don't get to see them. I just feel that when they get older and want to know who their real dad is that they may resent him if he signs over rights just to avoid child support. But thats just my opinion. Please don't worry, your not crazy, your not an awful person, your not alone. You are a step mom! Welcome to the club, LOL

Leaha

Di - posted on 06/22/2009

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Hi Christa, you are almost writing my story, well parts of it anyway. The one thing I refuse to do is hate the bm. That only gives her some further control over us. My bm took our sds approx 14 hours drive away from us as a punishment too. We only get the girls every school holidays so 10 weeks off 2 weeks on. But I had time to get to know them and form a relationship before they went. Cant say if I came along now that they are so infrequently in our lives that I would have any great love of them either and it would have been extremely hard to put up with the hardships that come with stepparenting. I take my role as a sm to be my husband's support in what he decides to do. I voice my opinion then let him make the final decision. He also has to wear the consequences of what he decides. Whatever you feel, you feel, there are no right and wrong feelings in this. Whatever you feel doesn't make you a good or bad person. I know there have been plenty of times when I felt the same way as you but kept it to myself and just worked through it. The biggest reason I kept trying was for my own kids, so that they could see that each child is precious to us and that you work through your differences. The second reason is that I love my husband and I would move heaven and earth to be with my kids if they were taken away, so understand on some level how painful it must be for him and whatever I can do to lessen his pain I do, so writing them off, even at the most difficult of times is a no go thing for me whilst we are married. But thats me and I have a different experience then what you do. My bio sons and their older sisters also got to bond. So thats another part of my equation that probably is non existant with you. Whatever you do Christa, don't make the mistake of doing what I did until I found this group. I beat myself up for having the feelings I did, and all the well meaning (never been stepparents) people who thought what I was feeling was wrong and I must be an awful person because I felt this way. Don't buy into that. The fact that you are here now asking are you awful tells me that you are far from that. Adapt your family to whatever your circumstances are. So what if you feel nothing more for your sks then what you would for a cousin? In your situation that may be as much as you will ever be able to. O and one more thing, no matter what the bm does, it cant spoil it for your kids, its only if you let it affect you that it will spoil it for your kids. Just do the best with what you have been left over and love your kids, she cant take any of that away from you. Good luck, I am here if you need to talk.

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