Should I let her call me "momma"

Brie - posted on 01/12/2009

Well, my step-daughters are a lot older....they were 5 and 6 when hubby and I first began dating. Their mom was not in the picture, and had left them when they were 2.5 and 4. I could tell they desperately wanted a mother figure in their lives, and one day- when we had only been dating a few months, the older girl said I "seemed like a mom to her" and I was flattered. I didn't know what to say, and then she began calling me "mama" from then on. I let it go at first because I felt bad that she didn't really have a mom who was there for her. After awhile, the younger girl began calling me mama as well. Then, their mom popped back into their lives...and it kind of hurt my feelings because the girls would talk to me about their "mama", while calling ME mama. It felt really uncomfortable to me. I didn't know if I should say anything, so I didn't....it only began to really bother me once I began pregnant with a child of my own. I did not address the issue until my daughter had been born, and their mother was now in their lives on a consistent basis. I talked to them one day, saying that I know they have a mom, and that I don't want them to feel like they need to call me mom if they don't want to. I explained that I had heard them correcting people when they would refer to me as their mother- and I knew it must be confusing, and I told them it would not hurt my feelings if they decided to just call me by my name from then on. They took it really well, and I could tell it came as a relief to them. The younger girl told me "I thought I would hurt your feelings if I didn't call you mom." It actually made things so much more comfortable for us, and I felt like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders.

So, if you prefer to be called by your name- then let her know. It's your right and choice as to what she calls you...and you're right- the mom most likely WILL get angry if she finds out she is calling you mom. I would just gently explain what you want to be called.

Jessica - posted on 01/12/2009

When I met my now husband his daughter was 5 and started calling me mom.  At the time we felt it was very inappropriate so we stopped it.  However, the family dynamics sound very similar and although it took us almost 6 years in court to have her living with us, she now lives with us fulltime and is 13. 

It breaks my heart that I realize she'll never call me mom.  She'll say that I'm more like a mom to her than her biomom ever was, but can't call me mom just because it feels too weird because she called me Jess for so long.  She refers to me and her dad as her parents and when people make a mistake (the waiter says what would your mom like or something similar) she no longer corrects them, but I know she'll never call me mom. 

So, all I'm going to say is that if you know you are going to stay together as a family (that was our main deciding factor at first - what if we split?) ...so if you are sure you want to be a family, wht would you want her to call you long term - a couple years down the road?  I've heard some people add a name to make it less hurtful and confusing - like mom and "mommy Barb" for example.  That might be an option.

I should also tell you that although in the beginning my SD's biomom absolutely freaked if she called me mom (and still would I'm sure) she expected my SD to call her boyfriends dad (which came and went very frequently when I was the only woman she ever saw with her biodad).  Some people really don't see the double standards they try to set up - but my SD did, and got really upset when her biomom wanted her to call the new husband "dad" after years of "you better not be calling her mom!" about me.

Carrie - posted on 01/12/2009

I have two step-children, a boy 15 and a girl 12. When I got engaged to their dad, they were 8 and 5. Due to a joke, they called me MIss Moo, at first. Their mom hated that they called me anything and forbid them to even say "I love you". My step-son would "moo" at me. We finally figured out that meant "I love you" We now have a son together and we have custody of the other two. They now call me Moomie. Our son calls me Mommy. It has never been confusing and everyone seems happy. I have noticed that my step-daughter now says "my mom" when talking to others and she means me! It is an honor and I have measured things by them and when they are ready.
Good Luck!

Cat - posted on 01/11/2009

Allison, I too have a 3yr. old step-duaghter, my boyfriend and I have had her with us full time, for the year that we have been together, her mother is unable to care for her due to complications in her own life, but that is another story, I do not see why your step-daughter should not call you momma if that is what she feels like calling you, my step-daughter calls me; Momma Cat, Cat is of course my name. She knows who her mom is and still calls her mommy, but there is nothing wrong with have another mommy in her life that is there for her too, many children don't get to have more then the parents they were born to, like me I grew up from 3yrs. old learning to hate my dad cause he left when I was 2, and I don't know him now even though I have tried several times to contact him. I grew up with just my mom and my 3 older brothers. I think sometimes it might have been nice to have a dad figure even if it was just a step-dad, but my mom never dated after my dad left. So in short you shouldn't feel bad if she calls you "Momma" it means she trusts you and loves you very much.

Josette - posted on 01/11/2009

When my daughter calls by my first name it upsets me......she calls me that when the step kids have been here. I don't and wouldn't want them calling me mom but they are pre-teens

Dawn - posted on 01/11/2009

As a mom, it would break my heart for my children to call another woman MoMMY.  I know she's only 2 , however, I think you should teach her to call you something else. 

Make up a nickname and have your Fiance call you that to her.  She'll catch on.

One day, you will have children of your own.  And you will understand what a precious title that is.

Nickie - posted on 01/10/2009

I have a step-son who is 7 and I met him when he turned a year old (a month after he turned 1) and he called me "momma ninny" LOL! HE started calling me that, and it was because my husbands ex told him to call her boyfriend "Daddy James" so, in turn he thought it only natural to call me mom, so no, I wouldnt correct her. She will thank you for it later and if she feels that close to you to call you mom, appreciate it... There have been times that my husband's ex got pissy over Gavin calling me that but truthfully, I talked to her when he first started saying it and then she decided WAY down the road at 6 years old she was gonna say something. But it didnt change Gavins feelings..he just doesnt call me mom in front of her anymore and to me, what can you do?

Isa - posted on 01/07/2009

If would let her call you momma if you are comfortable with that.  My SD didn't start calling me momma until she was 5 even though I've known her since she was 3 and when she did I just went with it.  I love it when she calls me mommy.

B. P. - posted on 01/07/2009

I think if you and fiance are comfortable with it you should let her do it.

Kathy - posted on 01/07/2009

I think the ex's reaction to her calling you mom is going to depend on her sense of security as her mother. My girls have had four stepmoms. I have never worried about what the girls called them because I know that they know who their real mom is. My stepdaughter has called me mom #2 which is fine with me and my husbands ex. We all know our places. Given the history in your situation, it may not be as easy. BUT at the age of 2, she isnt going to understand why she is being told no to calling you mommy. Its tough any way you look at it.

Allison - posted on 01/07/2009

My fiance has no problem with her calling me mom, and I guess it doesn't really bother me that she calls me mom, I just don't want it to cause problems with his ex.  His mom always refers to me as Momma Allie, but I don't want to confuse her, has things are going to change a lot in the next few months. 

Natalie - posted on 01/07/2009

Is there a 'pet' name or nickname she could call you, if your not comfortable with being called 'Mummy?

My step-son is now 14 years, but I've been with his father since he was 2.

Instead of him calling me 'mum', he has always called by my nickname, 'mimee'.

It makes it kind of special.



Hope I've been able to help.

Jenn - posted on 01/07/2009

I am a foster parent as well as a step parent and I have had a lot kids call me mom. One thing you might think about teaching her is to call you mommy Allison if your comfortable with that. We have had common ground on that. It keeps the kids as well as the adults feeling comfortable.

Sarah - posted on 01/07/2009

The child is 2 so I don't think it says a lot about her biological mother. I think that she is copying what she see happen around her - At two she won't be either comfortable or uncomfortable calling you something. It's interesting that she doesn't call you what your Fiance calls you as that would make the most sense. You may need to correct her since you are not comfortable with it but what would you like to be called, make sure you and your fiance refer to yourself that way. I met my SD when she was 3 and I've let her make the choice. She called me by my name most of the time, once in while she slips or other slip - she used to correct it but she doesn't bother anymore. In our house, I'm the mom so it makes sense. I've also seen her refer to her stepfather as daddy even though she calls him by his name, no one rears negative feelings because we know who she is talking about when and it's about what she is comfortable with. I hope that this doesn't become an issue in the future. If her mother cares so little maybe it wouldn't even bother her - if you can bear it what a term of endearment! If you can't redirect her now so it's not weird later. good luck!