Should i let her call me that?

. - posted on 10/11/2009

I have knowen my partner's daughter since she was 18 months old. She will be 4 next month.

She has on a few occaisions, called me Mum, or has said "I wish you were my Mum'. Ive always said to her "Sweatheart (thats what I call her) I'm not your mummy, you have one mummy, I'm daddy's special friend, just like your mummy's partner is".

To be honest, I wish she was mine so that my partner wouldn't be going through the crap with his ex.

Sara - posted on 10/07/2009

My SS, almost 8 years old, has always called me by my name.

I have been in his life since he was 2. There was a brief time that he called me Mimi, kind of a pet name of Mommy, but when his BM heard this she warned him to never call me Mommy again or she would wash his mouth out with soap. He was about 4 years old then.

The other day, after a discussion on what to call his new step-grandfather, he told me that his mom tells him to call her husband Daddy, but he is not allowed to call me Mommy.

I have a very hard time with this, but I still encourage him to do whatever he wants to do. I will still love him the same no matter what he calls me. And one day, when he is grown up, he will see that and be grateful :)

Amber - posted on 10/06/2009

theres no harm in her calling you mom...you are one of her moms! thats why they call them step MOMs! you could try explaining to her that you are her step mom and the other one is her "real" mom (obviously, step moms are real too but its easier for small children to understand it like this). tell her that shes lucky because most kids only have one mom, but she has 2. that will make her feel special and not left out. if you dont let her call you mom when she wants to, she may start feeling rejected.



my little sister calls her bio dad "daddy jasen" and her step dad "daddy ron". that cuts down on confusion, and neither guy is offended. if the BM gets offended by your SD calling you mom, thats just tough for her!! just because you didnt carry her for 9 months doesnt mean you dont love her as your own.



im 19 years old and i have a step-father. because of the relationship we had, i never called him dad. i still dont. now its just out of habit more than anything, but when i was younger, i didnt like him. my parents never tried to tell me to call him dad, although people asked me why i dont but all 4 of my siblings do. now im married with 2 step-sons. they dont call me mom and i wont force it on them. they love me and i love them and them calling me Amber is perfectly fine if thats what they want to do, but if they called me mom i would not tell them not to.

Bristol - posted on 10/05/2009

I'm a firm believer in not forcing the mommy or daddy thing on children, if they are not yours. But I think it's beautiful that she loves you enough to want to call you mommy. I believe it's something that a child should decide whether to call you that or not, and if your man is ok with it, I'd say go with it, since you have stepping into the mother shoes anyways! I think it's awesome she trusts you that much!

Sofia - posted on 10/04/2009

Let it happen!!!! My step daughter is 9 years old and I have only known her for two years and this summer she asked me if she could call me "Mom", I was so surprised that she felt the way she did but I told her she could say whatever she was comfortable with. I was so happy and moved by her question that I almost cried!! I explained to her that I was not there to replace her mother but that I would love her like she was mine for as long as I was in her life.

ROBIN - posted on 09/29/2009

I had my step kids call me robin not mom, even though i had them since they were 3,4,and 6 they wanted to call me mom, but i thought there mom would get hurt, so i said no, now they are in their 30's and i wish i would have let them, i think would have helped when they were teens, and confused, saying your not my mom and all, now they say they have 2 moms but still call me robin, but they have the grandkids call me grandma and thats great, so i would let her call you mom and its ok, its about her and you not the other mom..

Jackie - posted on 09/29/2009

there is no problem in her calling you mom as long as she knows who her mom is my step daughter calls me mommy and her mom mommy an we both dont care an that just means she sees you in her eyes has her mother whne her mom isnt there itis ok if you are ok with it

Sandy - posted on 09/29/2009

whatever ever you do do not punish her for this...correct her all you want in a loving and respectful way as she is just trying to fit in and make sure her place in the family is secure...eventually she will decide anyway what feels right for her no matter what anyone else says. Something that may work for you is picking a name with her that she may call you that is special...maybe something that means mama in a different language or a nickname...good luck

Cassandra - posted on 09/28/2009

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your sd . If she wants to call you mommy let her. Remember it's her choice it's not like your making her do it. If you tell her not to it my hurt her feelings and she may think your favoring the other child by letting her call you mommy. Just explain to her the difference between a step mom and a "REAL" mom . Tell her how she came out of HER moms belly and new baby came out of YOUR belly. I think it's wonderful she feels comfortable enough to call you mommy that means your doing a great job as a step parent keep up the great work

Kristina - posted on 09/28/2009

i have a 3 year old step son. i have been in his life since he was 6 1/2 months old. his mother was around whenever she wanted to be, but now we have custody and she only gets 1 hr a week supervised visits because she allowed her bf to abuse my stepson. but he has been calling me mom since he was very young when i started dating my fiance. we tried to get him to call me kristina but he wants to call me mom. we explained to him that he has 2 moms and a dad. he gets it. he knows im mommy and she is his other mommy. i dont think there is anything wrong with it. i was around and i stepped up and acted as a mother figure because i love my fiance and his son very much. a mother isnt necessarily someone who gave birth to you. he feels im his mom because i have been around him for so long and because me and my fiance are the ones who take care of him. he loves me, as does your step daughter. so no, i dont see anything wrong with having your step daughter or anyones step child calling them mom at all.

Sarah - posted on 09/26/2009

I have 4 stepchildren who I take care of full-time, and 1 bio, and another one on the way due in December. My husband and I have full custody of the kids, but I have a very good relationship with their mother, I talked to her about how my bio son gets confused because the other kids call me Sarah. Well one night when we were all out for dinner she let the kids all know that they have her permission to call me mom, since I am their primary care giver. This was such an amazing moment, coming from their bio mom. The kids are still adjusting to it, but I feel as long as the bio mom knows and is ok with it then it's perfectly acceptable, at 3 its hard for her to be told not to call you mom when that is what she wants to do, but I think having a conversation with bio mom, and letting her know, would be the most respectful way to go and creates a comfortable situation with everyone. Good Luck!!!

Trish - posted on 09/26/2009

if that is what she wants to call u let her. she is obviously comfortable with it so let it be. she will decide on her own now and in the future if she wants to call u mom, mommy or amanda. just go with the flow

Laura - posted on 09/26/2009

I came into my SD's life when she was 2.5 years old. I remember holding a bridal shower for a friend and SD running out the room and said mama mama.. all the women were like awwww cause they knew I loved this little girl to pieces I have done been in her life for a little while and spent every day with her playing etc... Well I froze did not know what to do-- well she loved the reaction of all the ppl and said it over and over again. I remember saying no my name is Laura call me Laura and it only made it worse as if it were a game so she kept calling me that. We finally let it be and she has called me Mama ever since..

I believe that when U are in a situation like this do not make a big fuss about it-of course dont be like yes call me mama, I truly believe thats a choice thats left up to the child. When they are that young and you are in there life and you are doing motherly things for and with them and really just being there they feel that connection thats what they associate you with. My advice is do not praise it and be like yes yes call me that--do not say no you can not call me that.. She is so young right now.. let her call you whatever.

My SD is ow 8 years old and still calls me mama.. Her mother had a major issue with it as ay bio mom would but thankfully its not a big deal anymore.. Good luck

Kathy - posted on 09/26/2009

Let it all happen naturally she is three, find out from the bm if you can, what she thinks, I believe all the people in her life that loves her the better, nothing wrong with two mommies or four grandparents, all the better for the child.

Nicole - posted on 09/25/2009

My sd did the same thing, she was 6 though when she started it. I told her like you did because I thought it would break my heart to have my child call someone else mommy. It sounds like your SD is too little to understand. You are a mother figure to her because you do all the things her mommy does. I think you are doing it right, the only suggestion I have is that when my SD wouldn't stop calling me mommy, I made him step in and do more with her. It might take awhile but she will latch on to her daddy. I loved it when she called me mommy, but I don't think letting her continue would have been respectful to her biological mother. Hope I could help!

Betty - posted on 09/24/2009

My step daughter does the same thing to me. I do the same thing and tell her she only has one mom and one dad like everyone else. I also tell her how lucky she is to have a step mom and step dad.
I only correct her when she is asking me a question and I do that by not responding until she says my name or calls me step mommy.
She is four. When she is older (like 6 or 7) I will let her call me whatever she wants. I figure we won't care about bio-mom's feelings at all by then since she is kinda digging herself a grave right now.

Tabbitha - posted on 09/24/2009

I have two step children who are 12 and 8. They call me mom, I absolutely feel good when they do. They have a mother, who they love very much, but children know when someone loves them. You should feel good because she trusts you enough to give you that title. I think if you discourage it, it may make her feel alienated. This could be especially true when your bio becomes old enought o call you mommy. You might just try mommy Amanda. That way it does not hurt her mother's feelings as well.

Catrina - posted on 09/24/2009

You could try out Mommy Manda or something, but don't stop her from what she wants to do...

Catrina - posted on 09/24/2009

I don't think there is any problem with a step child calling you Mom, Mommy, Momma etc. it's obvious that she WANTS to call you Mommy, don't deny that. She's obviously too young to be explained the difference in detail.



With me and my SS and SD - when they started calling me Mommy I sorta freaked out and would tell them to call me Catrina. But it didn't stick. So I tried Mommy Catrina. Still didn't stick. Now they are 9 and almost 11 and I'm Mom. They know that God has blessed them with 2 mom's and 2 dad's. BM got married too. So they are completely ok with this and in my eyes see me as their mom, but know that I am not their mom. If that statement makes sense. I've always told them I am not the mommy who had them in my tummy, but I do care and love them as my own. Over the years they completely understand the entire situation and are comfortable with it all.

Traci - posted on 09/24/2009

My step-children also call me mom and their bm does not like it. We have always told them to do what feels best for them. They go back and forth and call me Traci or Mom sometimes. Do what is best for you and your family.

Christine - posted on 09/24/2009

It all depends on what you're comfortable with... I call my fiance's son "my son" and he calls me "Mommy" because in our situation, I am the one raising him, taking care of him, loving him, living my life for him. My fiance was supportive and actually cried the first time Damien called me "Mommy" (by his own choice, no less.)



When Damie was two and a half, he asked my fiance if I was his "Mommy." Ryan told him that I would be soon, aka when we get married. From that point forward, Damien has almost always called me "Mommy." For awhile he was calling me "Mommy Tyger" (my nickname from HS) but soon after he dropped the "Tyger" and I have just been "Mommy."



What does your husband have to say? Another option is for her and her sister to call you "Mommy Amanda" or "Momma" if they call the BM "Mommy." Eventually they will fall into habits that they are comfortable with.



There is no right or wrong... It's all by what you and your family are most comfortable with in your situation. No one can tell you how to run your family - it's your choice. If you would rather be called "Amanda" then that's fine. If you want to be called "Mommy" that's fine too. ;-D

Danielle - posted on 09/23/2009

There is nothing wrong with a child having two mommy's, people with step-children are so common now. My step-son just turned ten and he calls me mom at home home, but Danielle when talking to his biological mom. I do realize that this situation may not be as easy with a three year old...but it might be worth a try :)

Jen - posted on 09/23/2009

@ 3 they are very literal in their thinking. I see no reason why she couldnt call you mom as long as she knows 9which im sure she does) who her 1st mom or bio mom is (as you are as real as her "real" mom). this can be touchy with the mom cu they dont like anyone else having that title maybe compromise like mamma-amanda or stepmamma? good luck!