Should she be calling you mom?

Amanda - posted on 04/30/2009

I think that if a child knows the difference between their real mom and dad and their step parents and still want to call their step parents Mom and Dad, I don''t think it should be corrected unless the step parents are not comfortable having a child call them that. But I totally think it should be up to the child. I also was dating someone that had 2 children and they were 3 1/2 and 11 and I never made them call me mom, they just called me Amanda, but when I met my husband and his son he just called me Mommy and I was okay with that. I never forced him to call me that. His mom refers to me as step mommy but he just calls me mom and I love it.

Kimi - posted on 04/30/2009

I had a very fun conversation with my step daughter the other day.

She said, "I know my mommys name but I don't know your name". So then I said, "you mean my mommy name?" "YA" she said happy that I knew what she meant. So I told her, "you can just call me Kimi because when I hear you call me that I know you love me so that can be my mommy name too". She seemed satisfied with my response. She is used to calling me Kimi anyway.

It warmed my heart to learn that she thinks I need a mommy name.

Pam - posted on 04/29/2009

PS when my SS was about 8 his mother met a bloke and he was able to call his parents Nana and Pop? My SS then asked if he could call my parents that too, I said yes of course and he was absolutley stoked!

Pam - posted on 04/29/2009

If she wants to call you mum, mom, mummy let her. Don't encourage it, but at the same time don't correct her. My SS wasn't even allowed to call my sister Aunty, my parents Nana or Pop, his mother corrected him every time and it was heart breaking to hear him correct himself with "no its not Aunty". I told him he could call me whatever he wants as long as it is nice. When younger he called me Ma, but now calls he by my name, but at a party or BBQ it is still mum.

Maybe if every one lets including the BM's let the kids pick the name, there wouldn't be half the disrespect for the SM's, cause who would treat their own mother that way?

Dana - posted on 04/29/2009

When I met my fiance he told the girls to call me what they felt like so long as it wasn't something mean. (very true lol) His youngest daughter has called me Mommy from the day we met. Her Mom left her at age 2 and has rarely been in her life since so she's spent her whole life looking for her "mom". His oldest daughter took a bit longer. After I was with her for about a month she asked out of the blue, "is it ok for me to call you Mommy now?" She was 12 and I was very surprised but very happy (had tears) that she had chosen me for her mom. She was almost 6 when bio-mom left and as I said, bio-mom has NOT been in their lives much since.
For my own two children, I've never asked them to call Tim Dad but they do. They did it because they heard the girls calling him Dad at first. Since then he has truly become Dad for them. They are 8 & 6 and have been with Tim for the last two years. Their real Dad also has nothing to do with them.

For us we ARE Mom and Dad so why shouldn't the kids call us that? I'm very proud of my job as the kids mom... all of the kids. I was thrilled when they called me Mommy for the first time and every time since. It shows me that I am doing my job right. Our oldest tells me she used to wish for a Mom like me. She would stand outside and blow dandelion seeds off and wish upon them for a new Mommy to love her and her sister. She recently told me that and of course I cried. I'm so thankful for our family and could not imagine life without any of our kids, my step-daughters included.

Erin - posted on 04/27/2009

Just having my own baby girl in June of 08, coming into a relationship with twins, boy and girl... I want them to know I am the friend first and foremost. Whatever they decide in the longrun what I should be or still be toward them is their decision. Of course they are still 2.5 years old but I would want nothing more than to be their bestest friend ever. Too much pressure could possibly make a yucky outcome and nobody wants that. Thats why children are the best thing on Earth by far. :D

Amanda - posted on 04/27/2009

I have a 5 yr old SS and when he first became part of my life my then bf told him to call me Ms. Amanda. I told him no I don't want to sound like a school teacher or something. My SS grandma told him to call me "The Mom", but I said No, let Matthew call me what he feels comfortable. I never forced him to call me anything. He just started calling me Mommy. So now my husband and my m.i.l refer to me as Mommy when he is with us and when we talk about his real mom, we say your other Mommy. He knows the difference between us and I would never try and replace BM. I am grateful for her because without her I would not have my 4th son :O) I am proud to be a step mom but I like to think I just have 4 boys.

Casey - posted on 04/27/2009

My little girl was two when my exhusband and I got divorced and he got himself a new wife. My little girl was so young and when she went to visit she called SM(the new wife) mum. I never said anything cos I feel very secure in the fact that she is my little girl and I am her BM and I love her very much. She is 10 now and she still calls my exhusbands wife mum when she visits them, she told me she had started to feel bad about it cos she felt disloyal to me and I told her not to worry about it I dont mind as when she is visiting them she is her mum for the weekend and that I feel very secure that I am her BM and I know she loves me very much.



I aso have a SD and she calls me Casey cos her BM forbids her to call me mum and thats ok if she feels insecure about its their choice.



I have a new husband myself now who is my SD's dad and my children who live with us call him Dad, my ex doesnt like it so much but its the childrens choice not ours and he has got used to it now and refers to him as their dad also. My eldest son lives with his dad and he calls my new husband Lea. So they all have their different ways of calling us and we are all very loving and happy together.



Its a matter of what your comfortable with and it should really be the childrens choice not ours as it affects them more than us. As they get older they will be able to tell you how they feel and what they want.

Shauna - posted on 04/25/2009

I have two stepsons & we let the choice be theirs. If they choose to call me Mom its by their doing not us forcing them to do so. They have slipped up a couple of times by accident saying "Hey Mom' then they look at me like they are going to get into trouble. Their Mother does not want me to be called Mom at all which I can understand. We have explained to the boys that they have a mom & I do not want to take her place nor could I take her place. We tell them it is ok to have me in a special place in their heart just like their true Mom. The boys know I love them with all my heart & that in my eyes they are my sons even if I did not give birth to them. We say they grew in my heart instead of my tummy. I think letting the kids know you love them with all your heart is the most important part of being a parent not the title. You know what you are to those children.

Jodi - posted on 04/25/2009

I've always just encourage my step-kids to call me by first name. My step son was 3 when I first came into his life, but he calls be by my first name too, and it is comfortable for everyone.



My son has been threatened if he ever calls my husband "Dad". His father had a fit when I remarried anyway, let alone that. But that's ok. My personal belief it should be whatever everyone feels comfortable with, but sometimes that is not always possible.



I must admit, if my son was calling someone else mom, I think I'd be upset too, so I kind of understand...... But then, he is 11 and lives with me (sees his dad and the girlfriend once a fortnight).

Heather - posted on 04/25/2009

This is a great conversation! I have been on both sides of the fence and this is what I have concluded for myself. Young children can't really understand the step thing, so as long as the child calls you something respectful, I wouldn't make it a big deal about it. As she gets older, usually one name sticks and it's used all the time.
My oldest (who is 16 now) called my ex Mr. Charlie, my ex forced him to call him Dad. I have seen the affect this can have on a child. It's not good. Step parents, as much as we love our SC as our own, are not their birth parents. My husband and I have 6 children all together and this topic came up about a year ago. My SC wanted to call me mom instead of Miss Heather. This is what I told them, " I am honored that you would like to title me something as special as "Mom", and if that's what you want to call me, I'm okay with that, but, I want you to know that I am not your mom, who gave birth to you and that is a very special person and title to give someone. You have a mother and I do not want to nor am I trying to take her place. It's very special being a mom. I will never force you to call me mom, but what ever you do choose to call me, needs to be respectful." I believe that it needs to be THEIR choice and not one that's made for they. You see, BM forces my SC to call her husband "Dad". This makes them extremely uncomfortable, but they are too afraid to tell her for fear of retaliation. She's so vindictive. I've been down that road and it is not good, but you can't tell BM anything, so those chips need to fall where they may.
I guess my point is, I wouldn't force her to call you mom or if she doesn't call you mom, correct her. I would encourage you to continue to let her know that you love her LIKE a mom loves her child, but that she has a mom who loves her too. She'll make her own conclusions and respect you for it when she gets old enough to understand. It sounds like your doing that already! :)

Katrina - posted on 04/24/2009

I have a five year old step daughter who's mom is a dead beat. (Although I know her mom loves her, and I don't say mean things about her in front of my step daughter) I have been with her dad since she was 3 months old. We ALWAYS told her that I was Katrina or my husband would call me mommy Katrina (i told him to let her decide) and when she got a little older and understood that she has a mom and a step mom and who is who, and she had already started calling me mommy (without encouragment) her mom would tell her not to call me mommy, and i told her she is to call me whatever she feels i am to her. you may think i'm wrong for doing this but i'm more of a mom to her than her mom, and i feel that if she feels you are mommy, than that is who you are. If her mom has any sense, she will recognize this as you taking good care of her, if you don't like it then add your name to the end as my husband did. Mommy Kimi so that she knows the difference.

Amanda - posted on 04/22/2009

I am my daughter's Step-mom. However, she does not even know what her BM looks like. I feel very honored when she calls me Mom. I do not tell her tocall me Mom. The first time she did it, I knew she loved me like hers, and that she knew that i too, love her like my own. She does it more, and more often. I do not make a big deal out of it. I do, however, love the fact that she looks at me as her mother, although she knows i am not her BM. I do not think anyone should force a step-child to call them Mom or Dad. I do think that it is great when they do it on their own!!

Krissy - posted on 04/22/2009

My SD hasn't called me by name since she was five. I didn't force her in to anything, she chose to call me "mom" on her own. She tried "Mommy" once but I corrected her. She decided about three years ago (when she was 9) to call me "Momma" instead of "Mom". Momma has stuck, which is perfectly ok with me. I love hearing it. Plus, she is 12 years old so I know that there isn't any doubt that she can distinguish who gave birth to her, and who did not.

Sarah - posted on 04/21/2009

My SS11 told me his BM spanked him, when he was younger, for accidentally referring to me as "Mom". Shortly after that incident, he called me mom and said he was so scared I was going to spank him too. I told him he can call me mom, by my name, B-Mom, stepmom in our home--as long as it's respectful. Once in awhile he'll call me mom or mama, and I don't feel it's necessary to correct him.

Alicia - posted on 04/19/2009

I have a ss, he was 4 when my now husband started dating. He asked if he could call me mom, I told him he had a mom and I would be more than happy to be his special friend so he calls me by my nickname which is Lee so that is what he calls me. He is now 16 and still calls me Lee unless he is talking to his sisters (which are his half sisters) then he will refer to me as mom such as "mom wants you" or "go ask mom" I think he does that so its not confusing to them. His mom has a boyfriend they have been together for as long as my husband and I have been together and my ss still calls him by his first name too. I also have a friend how has a ss but he calls her mom, a little different situation. I also talked to his mom to let her know so we could keep lines of communication open, which has helped very much

Amanda - posted on 04/18/2009

We live in a VERY mom friendly state. The things they will allow a mother to do to their child before stepping in is ridiculous. Our laws for children are reported to be about 40 years behind most other states. Before I started staying home I worked for the public school system which makes me a madatory reporter. We have had to report parent mothers over and over and over before absolutly anything is done. And even then, nothing usually changes. It's a pretty screwed up outdated system.

Debbie - posted on 04/18/2009

Quoting Amanda:

My husband and I have physical custody of my my ss and sd. I have been the one taking the role of mom in their lives since my ss was 2 1/2 and my sd was not even 1 yet. They saw the bm every other weekend for about a 6 months, then she moved out of state and has nothing to do with them. My ss still has a little recognition of her my sd does not at all. My hubby and I never asked or encouraged them to call me mom because it actually violates their divorce decree, but after enough time went by they made the decision all on their own. I don't really feel that it disrespects the bm because really all she has ever done for them is give birth. She has never taken the responsibility of parenting them, if she had it might be different. In my eyes it takes more than just dna to make you someones mommy. I can tell you that I love them like my own children and as long as I'm living I will consider myself their mommy no matter what they call me.

i agree with you on the dna .  It takes alot more than that to be a parent.  It is good that you left it up tot he children what they wanted to call you.  I have never heard of it violating a divorce decree.  Im not saying youre wrong, i just never heard of that.  Hoever, i dont see how it could ever disrespect the BM or even really be in the decree if she left and had nothing to do with them.

Debbie - posted on 04/18/2009

My 14 year old son has had a step mom around from the beginning (since he was 15 months old). He calls her mom when hes over there. when he talks to me about her he calls her by name so that he dosent disrespect me. I am fine with the fact that he calls her mom. She treats him as if he was her own and that makes me feel good that he is that comfortable with her. I also have a 6 y/o step daughter...she "slips" all the time and calls me momma and then apoligizes for it. I tell her she dont have to apoligize and she can call me whatever she wants, so sometimes time i get called by name and sometimes its momma. what really warms my heart though is when she tells me im the best cook ever....he ill take that! At least she loves me and is not calling me other names!

Sandy - posted on 04/17/2009

I agree totally.

Mylene - posted on 04/17/2009

Both my SS call me by my first name and it's perfectly fine with me... The youngest one called me mom for a while but we simply explained to him that his BM is mom, not me. We also explained to him that I love him just as much and that I will be there for him no matter what. He understood and he is fine with it. He then asked what he could call me. We just answered he could use what he felt comfortable with. He started calling me by my first name which later changed to Mimi since my friends also call me by that name. In our case, BM has custody of the kids and is doing a great job so I'm not the mother figure to them. I am "A mother figure" in their life and the mom to their little brother. They know the difference and we are still really close even though they don't use "mom" as a name for me. They are part of my family and I am a part of theirs. I guess if BM wasn't in the picture it might be different.
I have nothing against it for others but for us it's not an option. I believe it really depends on what feels right for you, your SD and your husband.

Sandy - posted on 04/17/2009

I think kids are so much smarter then people give them credit for. You are absolutely right about one thing. No matter what our kids or step kids call us. They all know who their mommy's are

Sandy - posted on 04/17/2009

I love the idea of special nicknames. Makes the SD or SS feel as though they share something special with you that is only theirs

Kimi - posted on 04/16/2009

I don't know Sandy..... Maybe all my kids will call me Kimi. She will be the big sis so they might just copy her. They will still know that I'm their mom so it wouldn't be a dig deal to me. We are trying to come up with a name that sounds good and means mom in some other language so she can start calling me that instead. Any suggestions?

Megan - posted on 04/16/2009

I agree with you Kimi. My two SS have always called me by my name and I have never had a problem with it. They either call me Megan or Best Stepmom in the World (BSMITW) when they want something. I have had other people think they should call me something else but why? I proudly introduce my boys as my step sons. I don't think there is any stigma in being introduced as their step mother instead of their mother. I think it is cool that they know that I chose a life with them. Their dad and I dated for 5 years before marrying so I knew what I was in for. They live most of the time with their BM. We have them EOW and weekly dinner night. I know she would have a fit if she heard them call me mom and I know that when people call their stepdad their dad they don't correct them. I know it hurts their dad's feelings because we are as active in their lives as we are allowed to be.



Being their step mom doesn't mean I don't love them the same as a mother. I am doing my best to do my part to help them grow into compassionate adults. However, I leave Mom for the BM just like I don't insist on recognition on Mother's day. I ask that my husband recognize me on that do so he remembers all I do to help his and his boys' lives be fun and run smoothly.



Of course, I think I would feel differently if we had the kids all the time and BM wasn't in the picture.

Sandy - posted on 04/16/2009

Thats very true and I guess it really depends on the family situation.  What are you going to do when you have more children and she decides she wants to call you mom because they do?

Kimi - posted on 04/16/2009

I don't care if she says "your not my mom" to me. I just don't want her to say it to her birthmom because she will go postal on us and maybe even her.

It is a commandment to "honer thy father and mother". There is not a fine print that says "unless your step parents are better at raising you".

I think it's one thing to just let them call you whatever they want. But if you speak in third person and call yourself mom that is compleatly inapproriate. My brother just became a stepdad and a few months ago and from the second his boy started calling him dad everyone has been reinforcing by saying, "ask dad, your daddy wants you, tell your dad to come over here, dad, dad, DAD!". It really bothers me because he sees his dad still. He may be a crappy good for nothing dad but he's still his dad and it should not be that encouraged like that.

Kids are so confused about what to call us and to tell them that it's up to them to decide dosn't seem fair. They are kids asking for guidance, constantly confused about that to call us. When should they call us mom? When shouldn't they? I think we would be doing a huge favor for them by just telling them what to call us and sticking with it instead of leaving it up to them so they have to constantly be concerned about hurting someone's feelings. She knows exactly what she is supposed to call me so there is no unnesisary confusion on her part.

My cousins moved in to live with us when we were all kids and were told to call my parents whatever they wanted. I think it made them uncomfortable. They constantly go back and forth worried about how people will feel either way and it is so sad.

Amanda - posted on 04/15/2009

My husband and I have physical custody of my my ss and sd. I have been the one taking the role of mom in their lives since my ss was 2 1/2 and my sd was not even 1 yet. They saw the bm every other weekend for about a 6 months, then she moved out of state and has nothing to do with them. My ss still has a little recognition of her my sd does not at all. My hubby and I never asked or encouraged them to call me mom because it actually violates their divorce decree, but after enough time went by they made the decision all on their own. I don't really feel that it disrespects the bm because really all she has ever done for them is give birth. She has never taken the responsibility of parenting them, if she had it might be different. In my eyes it takes more than just dna to make you someones mommy. I can tell you that I love them like my own children and as long as I'm living I will consider myself their mommy no matter what they call me.

Debbie - posted on 04/15/2009

Hi I have 4 SK's and only 1 of them called me mum. The others would do it if they were being cute and wanted something or as they got older and they were drunk. I dont mind its what ever they feel like calling me.....Now their kids call me nan as I am their nan in every sense of the word

Sandy - posted on 04/15/2009

Sometimes ( specially when there are other children in the house ) it is simply a matter of wanted to feel as though they belong ).  I would never never tell a stepchild in my home that they could not call me what all the other children call me.

Sandy - posted on 04/15/2009

To me I think that step moms and step dads are still moms and dads so kids should decide what they want to call them.  Some kids feel comfortable with names and some really want to call those people they love mommy and daddy.  I don't think it is the kids who are confused and have a problem with all this stuff I think it is only the adults.  My SD made the choice herself to call me that and I have reinforced several times that she could call me anything she wants and it would not change how I feel about her in the slightest.  I think bio parents just really have a problem with other people being in the position to be with and help raise their kids and it causes them to make more of these things them they need to.  My step daughter told her mom that she wanted to continue to call me mom but that she knows the difference between a step mom and a real mom and she knows who her real mom is.  Kids aren't dumb

Jamie - posted on 04/15/2009

I think no matter what she calls you now she will at some point tell you "your not my mom". Its something all stepkids do. They do it because its the one thing they know will break your heart.  I think you need tojsut let her grow and blossom, if BM has a prob with SD calling you mom let her address it with SD.

Kimi - posted on 04/15/2009

Nice opionions. It's not that it bothers me when she calls me mom. I just don't want to upset the bio mom over it. She has a mom already that is very good to her she sees her almost everyday. If she was to ever leave the picture I would let her call me whatever she wants. We are letting our relationship grow and day by day she is learning that I love her. I call her my little girl all the time and she knows that I'm proud of her. When she calls me mom I know I'm doing a great job with her and react in a loving yet informative way. She's so young I just don't want her I say to her mom one day, "your not my mom anymore". She told my husband one time that I was her mom and than referred ot her mother by her first name. He let her know that it was not a nice thing to say that about her mommy. We have been carefull about the mommy thing ever since.

Jamie - posted on 04/15/2009

If you say, "As long as she knows I have a mother's love for her than what's in a name anyway." then why does it bother you that she calls you mommy?  I dont think its disrespectful, my daughter calls my husband dad, she hasnt always but when she decided she wanted to she did. My husband is the one that tucks her in at night, makes sure she has a roof over her head. Her real dad hasnt really been in her life for a year now. He kinda jumps in and out, he only wants to see her right before we have to go to court because hes not paying his support.  For the first 2 yrs of her life she would go to his house the first 3 weekends of the month, but suddenly, to avoid an arrest warrant for not paying support he joined the army, got married and is having another baby.  Now I also have a 7yr old step son, I married my hubby when my SS was 4yrs old.  My SS calls me by my first name, he has called me mom a few occasions and i feel its his choice. I feel its every childs choice, and to correct them does hurt thier feelings beleive it or not, its like your saying you dont want to be ther mommy just thier step mom. Thats just my opinion.

Tara - posted on 04/15/2009

I really think it should be what the child is comfortable with. That is who it is about. It's not disrespectful because she she's you in that role in her life. THe way we explained it to our children (I have 6 step children, 2 biological) is that they now have two mommies and two daddies (their BM is remarried) that love them and they know what two of them brought them into this world but that we all love them the same. They call me mom or mommy and if they want to refer to their BM mom they will say mommy Tab and then vise versa when they are with her so we know who they are talking about. I just think if she is going for it and you dont let her then later she might have issues with that especially if you have Bio kids later that get to call you mom.

Francesca - posted on 04/15/2009

I've said before, that my ss's call me mummy, im very happy to be called it but never have i encouraged it. I feel its the child(ren) choice at the end of the day and they obviously see us as mummys. we may not have given birth but we give them the love and support of a bio mum.

We have had problems with bio mum about them callin me mum, i can totally see how horrible it must be for her to hear them call me mum, but when she has encouraged them to call her husband(stepdad) daddy it really should work both ways.

The oldest is nearly 8 and youngest 4, they have to tell their mum that they dont call me mummy. its awful that they have to lie to her, but they know they will get into trouble.

I have always called myself fran as i feel they have 1 mum, but i am very happy and id never tell them not to call me it.

Pamela - posted on 04/15/2009

We stuggle with this all the time.  We are custodial, so really, I am "mom" in every sense of the word except I didn't give birth to them. 

When BM was married (from the time YSD was just a baby), they always called their SD "daddy".  And when they came to visit my DH, they would call him by his first name :(

Then custody changed.  We had to sit them down and explain to them their relationships with all the members of their families and how it was disrespectful to call their father by his first name.

Then came the requests to call me "mom".  I will respond when they do, but we've talked to them about it and decided that they should call me whatever they feel comfortable calling me.  99.9% of the time it's Pam, but they both refer to me as their mom if they are talking to their friends.  BM has said that she doesn't care if they do call me mom, but I know her, and I know that she would freak out if she actually heard them call me mom (and take it out on them) and they called her by her first name.  So we don't encourage them calling me anything but my first name.

Kimi - posted on 04/14/2009

It make's sense for him to call you mom if that's what your own kids call you. I'm not sure what we will do when we start having kids together. Maybe they will all just copy her and call me Kimi. I gues that would be ok. All the stepmom's my daughter has heard about have been villans in disney movies so it's funny to her that I share a conection with them because I'm the complete opposite. She dosn't call her stepdad dad either so I think that helps alot too. Her mom knows better than most when it comes to what is appropriate for her daughter so we are very lucky in that area.

Crystal - posted on 04/14/2009

Hmmm....... well my SS was confused by the whole step mom  and mom thing. Because my girls call me mom, he calls mom. When we're together I treat him like my son. It had been a very long time since he had seen me the last time that we were together. He wasn't sure what to call me. We went with Crystal at first, in the end he ran up to me and said "momma I missed you". Oh how my heart melted! So to me I think its ok, especially since BM has him call every man she is with for more than  a month Dad.