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someone help me please

Lia - posted on 01/29/2009 ( 1 mom has responded )

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so right now my husband has 2 ex's all whom he has children with. an ex wife who has 2 kids with, an ex who he has one child with who we have custody of. its so wierd because i am in the position of being in two differnt battles with both of these women. my husbands ex wife wont let us have his older kids because 1. i curse to much and 2. because we dont answer the phone when she calls us. because niether my husband of myself want to hear her constantly talk down on us and ask us for money when my father in law is already giving her 1100$ a month to pay her own bills while we recieve no help from any family members. the second girl doesnt even come see her child whom we have custody of. she comes around once every few months and then expects us to try to work with her and change all of our plans, vacations everything so she can see her kid. i have put rules and everything for her to see her daughter to try to prevent inconsistantsy because the child is special needs. i am stuck between fighting to see kids, and fighting to have a parent see her kid. any advise form anyone who has been dealing with such a situation???

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Lisa - posted on 01/29/2009

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I think that there is always some disagreement when it comes to Mom's and how they allow other people to handle their children. It looks like one woman has twin little girls and the other little girl who is 5 lives with you...is this correct. My advice is to not look at all of this as a battle to be won. These children are gifts...not pawns. You can begin to get irritated at the children themselves if you are too aggravated at their Mom. Be sure not to let yourself do this. I think that we have all been in the position of being accused by the other parent of doing something around her children which she dislikes (ie - cursing) My boys BM did not like that one of them was calling me "Mom". She was very angry, but once we were actually able to talk about it like two civilized people..I found that actually her feelings were hurt. I then sat my step son down and explained to him that while I appreciated his caring for me enough to call me "mom" - his actual Mom was hurt by this. We decided that it was not worth hurting his mother's feelings. I say all of this just to say that sometimes in order for this thing to work, you may have to actually listen to the other parents complaints and requests. Remember that she gave birth to these two little girls and has a lot of pain involved with letting them go and get close to you. I always try to put myself in the other parent's situation and try to sympathize with what they are going thru too.

As far as the parent that doesn't see her little one. The only thing you can do is continue to encourage her to see her little girl. If eventually she stops...you will probably need to give a lot of care to your little one's feelings. Imagine how hurt you would be at 5 years old if your Mom didn't want to see you. That would be very painful. Remember not to talk bad about this parent in front of her unless you want this child to resent you. That is still her Mom...no matter what and she'll defend her to the bitter end.

Good Luck and know that we all feel your pain and discouragement. Just remember to always take the high road and be the bigger person. Don't allow yourself to be drug into anything that would make you look like the bad person in all of this.

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