Step daughters have no responsibility and treat their dad like crap!

Becky - posted on 08/03/2010 ( 16 moms have responded )

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I have to vent and know there are other step moms out there with this same problems!!?? I am 8 months pregnant so maybe this is just getting to me more now?!?!
I have two SD 17 and 15. They come and go from our house as they please and tell their dad he is "stupid" or a "moron" if he asks where they are going. When I was being raised that would have been enough for a smack on the mouth...not here. When we walk out the door they ask where we are going and he stops and gives them a five minute explanation. I do think this to be a little backwards.

I was looking for something the other day in the bathroom and found food wrappers and empty pop cans in the cupboard..so I told my husband about them. He told me I need to lay off them! Lay off what? the trash can is amazingly right under the cupboard that all this stuff was in. Am i asking to much? With being pregnant I am not supposed to clean out the cat litter box ( I do this daily when not prego) so I asked the SD's to do it...guess how often it gets done.....every wednesday when trash goes out...Yet they complain that the cat pees on the carpet in the kitchen...well what would you do if your toilet was overflowing??? Clean out her litter box and amazingly she will use it!!

My husband got mad at me the other day when I told him that the SD would not be watching the baby on the way. I told him I would hire a sitter first. My view on it is if you can't let the dog out when its crying at the door what are they going to do with my child when he/she is crying? I don't trust them enough to leave my child in their care. I don't feel bad about this.

Needless to say hubby and I don't fight over anything but the SD's. I am to the point that I am ready to leave because its my fault because I won't "Lay off" them. Well they have both been on probation and nothing was done about it at home. There were no consequenses. Now with school about to start and sports about to start the need their physicals...they were offered at school...I filled out their paperwork and put the money on the table...money was gone but they still need their physicals...needless to say I won't take them..Its my fault they can't play sports! When do they have to take responsibility???? Do I need to wipe their butt now too.....

Okay..I am done venting..lol Just stressed out and ready to leave husband and SD's and run!!!

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16 Comments

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Gerri - posted on 08/19/2010

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Your situation was my life for many years! Thankfully, they are grown now...and tell me on a regular basis how important I am to them. And how, if it hadn't been for me they would be in jail...or worse.

Hang in there. Keep laying down the rules AND enforcing them. Teens need and WANT rules...and to be held accountable. Even though they fight against it...when they are grown...they will thank you!!

Their father was never any help. He was always letting them get away with anything they wanted. They do not have much of a relationship with him now...he still doesn't put forth the effort!! As for counseling...try it if you want...but it sure did NOTHING for us, except cost a ton of money! LOL They wouldn't listen, and neither would their Dad. The only thing that helped us...was time! Good luck!

Heather - posted on 08/17/2010

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OMG you are living my life! I just cleaned 3 bags of food trash out of my SD's room. Everything is always my fault. They don't do anything wrong or have any consequences whatsoever. The problem is that I have a problem w/their behavior. I need to "get over it" and be nicer to them while they are trashing my house and telling me they wish I was dead.

Donna - posted on 08/14/2010

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Hello Becky! I read your story & I agree step kids have no respect...it does not mater what you do...its never good enough! I am going through the same thing...my step son got in trouble with the law & we took him in his mother wanted nothing to do with him...Since he has been with us I have had nothing but trouble..he steals things & money ect. I grounded him once for not taking out the garbage & he never forgot to do it again...he does not like structure..well thats to bad for him..I call it tough love...unforgenitly my hubbie stands behind me...If your hubbie wants to let the kids run his life then so be it..I would tell him how you feel & if he does not back you up...I would live him. If you would like to talk more I would love to. Good luck & your going to be a good mom. Donna

Regina - posted on 08/10/2010

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Wow, I thought that I had a rough situation as a stepmom. Sounds like you have a similar one. It was very difficult raising a stepdaughter who didn't help, didn't take responsibility & to have it often viewed as "my problem" when I spoke up for myself. It is a tough situation & I can understand why you feel like running. You will have to find a way to take care of yourself & set some limits. Therapy, while it may not change the dynamic, may help you learn how to stand up for yourself in the face of this. It's something you could try. If you choose to stay in it, take vacations with your baby. The breaks will be like a respite & will help you to have less carried over stress at home.

Regina Faridnia (stepmom & LCSW)

[deleted account]

My stepdaughter was the same treated dad like shit her brothers were just stealing her inheritence yet it took dad 12 years of that crap to see her for what she really was. He will wake up one day and see his daughters for the spoilt little bitches they are one day and until he sees it himself things wont get better.

Helena - posted on 08/09/2010

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How I understand you.... I have a 13 yrs old SD and 2 sons.... 5 yrs and 9 months old... I'll just say she let the baby fall head first on the floor... so no more sitting her lil bro!

Tina - posted on 08/08/2010

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Excellent! And stick to your guns, I hate to say this but if your husband doesn't back you on this, then he needs to go live with his daughters so your daughter will have the life she deserves. You are so right about them being set in their ways and they are never going to change. Find support for you, you are the right one here.

Becky - posted on 08/08/2010

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Thanks everyone for the awesome ideas and listening or should I say reading....lol... This weekend though the SD's lied to their dad again...They said that their mom picked them up and they were actually picked up by some boys and spent the night at these boys house. Well needless to say my point was proved yet there was still no punishment handed out..so I did it. If they break it in anyway they know that they will be escorted from my home and forced to live with their mother, cuz do I really want to raise my child around people like them.?? They were set in their ways long before they got to me..I have 18 years to set my daughter on the right track, by no means will she be perfect but she will never talk to her daddy the way that her half sisters do...I guarentee that!

Meg - posted on 08/06/2010

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To be honest it will never change unless you and your partner are on the same page! Focus on your relationship first before you can make progress as a family!

Christine - posted on 08/05/2010

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Agree, agree, agree!

For heaven's sake, they are almost grown! They definitely need to learn THEIR place in YOUR house... And to be 8 months pregnant on top of that... Shame on them! They should be trying to make things easier, not tearing them apart! (Though maybe that was the plan...?) Counselling would be a fantastic idea, I think. It would help DH see things for what they really are... Especially with another child on the way!

It's always a painful prospect to consider ending a marriage, but if you're not truly partners, and a joint front 100%... How can you expect to raise happy, healthy, well balanced children? Not that I'm saying jump to divorce by any means! I just think that one way or another DH and you need to be on the same page -- whether that's him seeing the light on his own or by the help of a counselor or some other means. Ah, good luck to you... I hope everything works out!

Tina - posted on 08/04/2010

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Your husband needs to figure out who he is going to spend the rest of his life with; you or the SDs. I've been married twice, both situations had SKs. I made sure with the dad that we worked together or not at all, not everything was always perfect but we made it work. Just remember, once they are 18, they are adults and by law, on their own. They need to know where their bread is buttered. Your husband needs to be on your side.

Tara Lee - posted on 08/04/2010

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I agree with Mandie and Vanessa...You and Hubby need to be on the same page...Try counseling...Maybe just give him a swift kick in the but...lol...
I remember one really ruff spot with my hubby, were he just wasn't listening to me, so I actually packed a bag and set it by the door. When he came home from work and saw it, he asked what it was for and I told him I was leaving.He had the nerve to ask 'why'...grrrrr...I told him, if he didn't want to treat me as a partner and listen and respect my feelings and opinions than he wouldn't have me at all. I than gave him a kiss on the cheek and started out the door. Needless to say, I never got to actually leave, he asked me to stay and said we would talk and he promised to REALLY listen. And, for us, it worked, thank God. It didn't change all at once, but things improved. One major difference in my situation is the 'respect' from SKs. They wouldn't dare disrespect their dad or me, or any adult really. My hubby and their BM would not put up with that.
Good Luck! I hope it all works out!

Vanessa - posted on 08/03/2010

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I agree with Mandie (yet again! LOL) Before cutting and running (remember bub is on the way) I'd definitely try counselling. The SD's are also going to think that its lame, but maybe even the threat of counselling may start to open up some sort of open discussion - especially about respect and boundaries. In my childhood you wouldn't dream of calling either one of your parents a moron! Also - they live under your roof, they show you some respect!
You will need to watch for jealousy signs in them when bub comes along ---- give them some responsibility with the baby but keep your eyes open. I'm 29 weeks pregnant and I know I'll be watching my SD very very closely!

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I totally agre with every thing you have said- no it is not you but it seems yr hubby has a massive guilt complex (which the daddies often have) and needs some counselling to open his eys to this fact. I know it's not cheap but if you can get some Family Counselling (I understand some church groups offer it free over there in the US) it will save your marriage, your home life an dyour sanity. I waited 7 years to try it and only wish I had tried it sooner.

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