step daughters mum hates me!

Sharny - posted on 02/02/2010

I was in a similar situation with the ex wife of a former friend, before I was re-married. She could shoot her mouth off & tear strips off me. She even hit me once. I still think about that little girl whom I grew to care about.
The 200 mile drive is a drag, but you have been privileged to be the part time carer of one precious little girl on this planet. Do it with all your love & strength. The mother of the child has emotions she has no idea how to deal with, she is obviously angry and bitter. But her problems are HER problems, not yours. Her words can't really hurt you, because you know you are doing the best you know how. You can feel pity for her and pray for her. Not with a "high & mighty" attitude, but genuine care. Focus on doing things right at your end, and maybe, just maybe, she will eventually see your peace and your gentleness and have a change of heart.

J** - posted on 02/02/2010

If there are court papers for the daughter, you should look at them. They usually have a provision about talking badly infront of the children. If it is there, then you might kindly suggest that if she doesn't stop, you will plan take her to court and they may hold her in contempt. You could also file harrassment charges (or at least discuss your intention with her). I had put up with this for 3 years and finally put my foot down as it was affecting my son.

Jill - posted on 02/01/2010

If you want to really be with this man, all I can say is get used to it. I married a man with 3 kids & one really mean, spiteful ex-wife. She has caused so much grief in our lives. But I was damned not to let her win. She even re-married & still caused havoc. Most women would of left because of all the crap she has caused. But I loved him & stuck it out.So, 13 years later, all his kids are grown you would think she would mellow out somewhat. I spoke to her 2 weeks ago about the kids and it was like speaking to her 13 years ago. She is still angry & bitter & always will be. I have just leaned to accept it, and know she will always be that way. We have 2 children of our own too. Good luck, it's not easy!

Karen - posted on 01/31/2010

i was in the same situation 13 years ago and it only ended about 5 years ago. she is jealous that another woman can satisfy her ex in marriage and life happiness and the get annoyed because they haven't got them down in the gutter crawling in depression where they want them to be. And when you have a baby that is just saying that it is really over for her.. But take comfort in knowing that it does end.

Angela - posted on 01/29/2010

I can relate to this on both sides of the spectrum.. when 7 years ago we suddenly had found that my step daughter could no longer live with her mum and remain safe I became the step mom and mum was not happy with it at all. Blaming me for her in capabilities to protect not only K but her younger sister as well both girls were taken and are now living safely with their fathers. Unfortunately mum takes every opportunity to take one Tony or the other Tony into mediation for some silly little demand or another instead of trying to work things out like civil adults. Then on the flip side of this I am mom of a sometimes lippy but for the most part a pretty good kid 17 yr old. We have been having a rough time with basic mom and teenage daughter stuff.. ya know the I am gonna do what I want. and I am 17 when am I gonna get to decide for me? and she decided that she wanted to go live with her father. {He who was a very abusive drunk...He who had NEVER in her life been a constant...spent most of it in and out of jail.. so I had my concerns.} He certainly had not been known for having the healthiest of relationships with the chickie of the week. So when he met and married the mother of his two youngest daughters I was so happy for Ashley her visits with her dad had gotten better and I over time had even befriended her new step mum. Things were great there so when Ashley wanted to go live with him telling me she thought we needed space. I reluctantly had to agree. I had her for 17 years I was being selfish and I knew it but this was happening and I had to deal. well it lasted 7 months and I got a call that Ash had been football rushed by her step mum pinned against a wall and her father did absolutely nothing but stood and watched. Proving to her himself the coward he really is. I picked her up and brought her home. It is a difficult struggle everyday... But realize that no matter what we are feeling in either scenario these kids are the ones with their lives ripped in half. And recognizing that and knowing that what they need HAS TO COME INTO PLAY. As long as their safety is not in jeopardy.

Jennifer - posted on 01/29/2010

My step-daughter is almost 14 and believe me it doesn't get easier til they get out on their own and realize that not all step-mother's are evil. I've raised my husband's daughter for over 10 years (he has primary custody) and her "real" mother never stops complaining. My best advice is to stop listening. As long as you are doing right, that's all that matters. :)

Khrys - posted on 01/28/2010

You can always do what we had to, get a restraining order! Really, we had to get a harrassment restraining order and were accused of EVERYTHING under the sun because she didn't want us spending any time with the kids. Don't let her know that it bothers you, seriously. It just feeds the fire. Over time, she'll start to understand that she has to deal with it just as much as you have to deal with her. And if she calls and starts criticizing anyone, simply tell her you're not interested in anything she has to say unless it regards the kids and hang up!

Kelley - posted on 01/27/2010

my step daughter when she was living with her mom had to deal with the same thing we had a child and she loved him wanted to be the big sis.. her mom did not approve of this at all becuse she thought that she was beign left out and that step daughter was spending to much time with the little one. no matter if the are half bro and sis or full the deseve to be around them and the other parent sould stay out of it

Lori - posted on 01/27/2010

I have been married to a man with 2 children from a previous marriage for 12 years. The kid's mother despises me and my own daughter. She has since the day I met my husband. It didn't take long to figure out she was jealous and resentful and a very unhappy person. Even to this day, she is manipulative and vindictive.

My only advice to you is try to ignore her comments, her rantings and her hatefulness. Try to keep your marriage and family your main focus and realize she's probably a miserable person and wants to make everyone else miserable as well. It's very hard to do, but if you have the support of your husband, you will be able to withstand any fits and tantrums she will throw! I wish you the best of luck.

Michele - posted on 01/27/2010

I have to agree with Candyce, disengage. I have been dealing with this for over 4 years and it has been difficult. I document everything, maybe I won't need it but maybe I will. I always strive to be the bigger woman even through the harassing, name calling, cussing, yelling, criticizing. I don't want to give anyone any reason to believe the things she's say (esp. since they aren't true). I just keep in mind when she acts the way she acts she's a representation to herself, and that's enough said. Good Luck, I know it's a difficult situation.

Brittany - posted on 01/27/2010

i just recommend killing her with kindness... thats what ive had to do and it seems to be working... it sucks to have to deal with it all... they dont understand that being a step mom is hard... but we do it with nothing but love!

Candyce - posted on 01/27/2010

Welcome to the lovely world of steps! Mine stole all the furniture in my house, calls my son and me all manner of horrible names (in front of her daughter, nonetheless), leaves nasty messages on my husband's phone, etc. The word of the day is "disengage". Don't react, don't feed her ego. Don't correspond by phone; do it by email so you'll always have a record. Protect your children as much as you can and basically just be the bigger woman. It's really all you can do.

Blessed Be

Megann - posted on 01/26/2010

I'm sorry you and your partner, as well as the step-daughter and daughter are going through this. I've been dealing with it for three years myself (although we have primary custody), and sometimes it seems to go better than other times, but just keep your chin up. Remember that no matter what age a child is, they are very observant and will see how you react as well as how her bm reacts. It will be worth it sooner or later. I have two beautiful step-daughters and one sweet step-son along with a child their father and I share, and the love I receive from them, makes it all worth it at the end of the day.

Susanne - posted on 01/26/2010

I know how you feel I used to turn up to pick my stepdaughter up wondering if she was going to go nuts again. She didnt care that I had my kids who were only little in the car when she was screaming obscenities at me or threatening me. In the end my husband told her straight if she couldnt be civil to me then she'd have to fetch my stepdaughter over herself or wait for him to come home from work and as he was doing shiftwork at the time that didnt fit in with her plans of going out with her mates every weekend so she consoled herself with giving me evil looks instead. Life is hard when the BM hates you but theres nothing you can do but get on with life and try not to let her affect it too much.

Kristine - posted on 01/25/2010

I have been in the same situation. I think these women are angry because they have to share their kids. And on top of that they are not happy in their own lives so they try to ruin there ex's lives. Its jealousy and the best thing to do is ignore it. Im still learning how to do that, and its not easy but I think its the best road to take.

Amanda - posted on 01/25/2010

yea ive been there to with the bm and thats when my bf and i both said if im not around her then he wont be there either and she still dont lik the fact that im around but she knows theres nothin she can do so she gave in and we get to see my sd almost once a week

Amanda - posted on 01/23/2010

i just about in the same boat as you hun alls i can really say is kill her with kindness and continue to treat you sd with up most love that you have been

Lisa - posted on 01/23/2010

maybe you could try by saying very calmly,"talking this way in front of children isn't acceptable." she'll probably fume and curse but you will have planted a seed for her to think about.