step-mom dealing with bio-mom

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Javana - posted on 07/31/2009

15

25

0

Be! strong we are here for you , stepmom is a group of strong women because , we have heard it all , been there, did that , and still keeping on, you can't quit now no , you have to speak your mind and you have to get this "Monkey" off your back, remember to tell yourself Trouble Not Last Always , soon and very soon she will be history , the kids will do one thing that will get to be adult one day , so start the count down , I love both of my step kids and I am really close to my daughter and the mom is having big problems with this , so I keep it moving and honey you have to do the same.

Jaime - posted on 07/28/2009

769

35

94

Stay strong Lisette, and let them deal with all the crap. Just enjoy your step child to the fullest!

Kelly - posted on 08/01/2009

1

20

0

It's hard to imagine that it does get better when the kids grow up...but it does. My situation is a little different because my husband had full custody of his kids when we met, we married a year later and had a child together a year after that. We stuck by the court order and made every effort for bio mom to visit her kids...she on the other hand has mental problems and we had to be very careful with her. Her two kids our now successfully graduated from highschool and she appreciates me (stepmom) so much. Unfortunatly, in these situations the parents grow up along side of the kids and it seems to get better with time. By the way...the kids were 2&5 when we met and now are 20&17. 8)

Kristi - posted on 07/31/2009

17

16

0

ok first i want to say that step moms are never and will never be given the proper respect that they deserve from the BM . Unfortunately the BMs forget that weather they like it or not the step mom is primarily the one caring for the child when they are at their dads house. I am the one who puts her to bed and does her hair and feeds her and kisses her boobos just like BM does but i will never get any respect from the BM . and i am ok with that i know what i do for "MY" daughter. she has been my daughter for 7 years now ive been mommy from 18 months old. How ever the one thing i do have a problem with is that BM is saying that an 8 year old has the right to decide weather or not she wants to come over . Im sorry but she doesnt then the BM throws it in our face that we are only doing what is best for us and not thingking of her. what i want to know is, is there any one who believes for one second that it is not in the childs best intrest to have a relationship with every member of this part of her family weather she ( the child) likes it or not?? it is verry important for her to know her sisters and her dad and her step mom weather the BM likes it or not !!! you need to remind the BM of all the things you do for your child , remind her that the more people the child has to love him the better. ps there are laws against paraental alienation !!!

Angie - posted on 07/31/2009

1

26

0

I think the hardest thing is when the biomom trashes you and the dad in front of the child. This is something we don't do in our house. The child deserves better. But, you can't say anything to the biomom either because then she just takes it out on the child. Its a catch 22. You have to stay strong as the family in your home--have the hubby stay strong and hoping the child will see who is causing all the drama!! At least that is what I'm hoping for.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

27 Comments

View replies by

Lisette - posted on 08/08/2009

9

5

0

Thank you I said to myself that she is very childish because I am his wife and has been his only wife and will be his only wife. I tell myself I was married to him before her kid and Im still married to him after her child. Through all of this we are still together so that should tell her something. She thought he was going to leave me for her but not,so now she uses the child against him because she know's he will do anything for his kid's, they come before anyone snd I mean anyone. The only thing that makes me mad is putting the kids in the middle. I told my husband that if anything would happen to him she could care less if the kids have a relationship. That's not how Iam I wqant my kid's to have a relationship with their brother , she get's mad because she want them to accept her daughter as there sister and they don't . I don't make them because of the way they tried to bring her into my family. When my husband left me for this women her daughter was 3 going on 4 they told her that my husband was her dad and that was all she knew. They didn't look at how my kids felf about this and I don't lie to my kids about stuff like that,so that's why they don't accept her as their sister because they came about it wrong. It's a long story behind my marriage and this baby momma.

ERICKA - posted on 08/07/2009

16

69

1

WELL LISETTE THING ABOUT BIO MOM THE BATTLE IS NOT YOURS IT THE LORDS.FROGET ABOUT HER NEGATIVE OUTBURST I WENT THROUGH THE SAME THING WITH BY HUSBAND EXWIFE AND KIDS BUT I NIP DAT SHIT IN THE BUD CAUSE I WAS'NT HAVING IT PERIOD AT ALL.SHE WILL TRY TO DOMINATE UR MARRIAGE AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH UR STEP CHILD,BECAUSE THEY FEEL THAT THEY R THE MOTHER AND U HAVE NO INPUT C THAT'S WHERE THEY R WRONGE,MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT U KEEP DOING WHAT'S RIGHT AND 4GET SHE EXSIST DNT EVEN WASTE UR ENERGY WITH HER IT'S POINTLESS.SHE WILL FOREVER TRY AND COMPETE WITH U IN ALMOST EVRYTHING,EVEN WITH HER ACCOMPLISHMENTS SHE WILL THROUGH THEM YOUR WAY I GUESS DATS WHEN U SUPPOSE 2 BE JEALOUSY OR SOMETHING ITS FUNNY U WILL BE AMAZED HOW FAR BIO MOMS WILL GO I JUST LAUGH BECAUSE THEY R A JOKE 2 ME TRYING SO HARD LOL.. BUT U DO HAVE SOME GOOD ONES OUT THERE SO HATS OFF 2 THE MATURE BIO MOMS..

Dorothy - posted on 08/04/2009

16

11

0

i habe always noticed the bm always act as if they lost everything its ok for them to move on but when the men do its wrong they cant accept the fact that it didnt work with them and it does with us. that is something she has to grow up and accept i only know this becuz my husbands ex actually admitted this to me and once she did we found the common ground to get along for the kids

Lisette - posted on 08/04/2009

9

5

0

thank you bitting my tounge is the hardest. the reason is we were married when she got pregrant,she acts like i broke up her family. my husband and i been together since we 13 we are now 37. we got married when we 23 we have a 20yr old and 12 yr old. she has one kid my husband who will be 11 this month. she also has a daughter that isnt my husband but has lied to her that my husband his her father,until she was older enough to understand. i treat her just like the rest off the kids but she gives us the most problems. im now getting tired but my husband says im punishing the kids because of their mom. no im not going to let her run my life and family. we raise our kids different and im not going to let her kids ruin mine

Dorothy - posted on 08/04/2009

16

11

0

all i have to say is it takes one hell of a strong woman to be a step mom. I have been one for the last 5 yrs and it hasnt been easy. The harest thing out of all of this has been dealing with the bio mom. Its the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with especially not having any bio children of my own yet. The onky advice i can give is be the bigger person at all time bite ur tounge when needed but dont hold back when being personally attacked

Kristi - posted on 07/31/2009

17

16

0

ok first i want to say that step moms are never and will never be given the proper respect that they deserve from the BM . Unfortunately the BMs forget that weather they like it or not the step mom is primarily the one caring for the child when they are at their dads house. I am the one who puts her to bed and does her hair and feeds her and kisses her boobos just like BM does but i will never get any respect from the BM . and i am ok with that i know what i do for "MY" daughter. she has been my daughter for 7 years now ive been mommy from 18 months old. How ever the one thing i do have a problem with is that BM is saying that an 8 year old has the right to decide weather or not she wants to come over . Im sorry but she doesnt then the BM throws it in our face that we are only doing what is best for us and not thingking of her. what i want to know is, is there any one who believes for one second that it is not in the childs best intrest to have a relationship with every member of this part of her family weather she ( the child) likes it or not?? it is verry important for her to know her sisters and her dad and her step mom weather the BM likes it or not !!! you need to remind the BM of all the things you do for your child , remind her that the more people the child has to love him the better. ps there are laws against paraental alienation !!!

Lisette - posted on 07/31/2009

9

5

0

I think all of you for your advise. the thing is my husband gives in to her. she also has a daughter that isnt his but he treats her like she is because they told her that he was her father . when she found out the truth she reacted. I tried to tell them not to lie bacause its not going to be pretty. she has went to school told the teachers she's afraid of my husband and it was a mess.y husband said he told her mom to take her and she said they just needed time apart to calm down. The thing is he cheated on me with her and he satyed with her for 10 yrs. so the kids think i broke up there home . my husband wanted his family back. when i first got to alaska with the they were out of control. they would tell my youngest daughter that she didnt no her dad so now she is going to get to no him cause its her time. it hurted my daughter but i told her let them say what every they want cause you are better than that . it went on for awhile. my step son and daughter soon became real close. the problem now is that his mom could care less if the had a realationship or not. the fussing is between the grown ups. my hsband dosent see this , he thinks if i say no the kids cant stay that im punishing the kids for what their mom does, no i punishing her. I have talked to the kids and told them i would live to have them at all times but if yousee that we are not giving in to your mom thats cause she dosent want to be alone.I have told my husband if something was to happen to him that she could care less if our kids had a realationship at all

[deleted account]

yes My overall point was go with the flow, because it will become too much of a shit fight, and show the child overall that you care for them, treat them with respect, give them love, try to be the best support you can be to their dad and mother and DONT let them see you are in conflict, because that is not in their best interests.
IF the BM is a total unwilling nutcase jsut get orders and stick with them until it all calms down

LINDA - posted on 07/30/2009

3

20

0

Just remember that the kid should be happy be strong and just show that you care for the child

Javana - posted on 07/30/2009

15

25

0

wow! we step mom do take a lot of shit, and the thing is if you never speak your mine it ,get to you and I have two step kids and the daughter and son are like night and day , the son is like a sponge he suck up everthing that his mom say's and then bring the BS to my home and it has become a problem , she say's- neg. things about me in front of the kids, he has stated that i am not his mom , he has told several lies on me to start up some BS , he has stated that my son took his dad alway from him , we have been to seek help for the family and tried to break the ice, my hubby and I have a 6yrs old child together and the thing is my son has a room that holds alot of toys and video systems she I buy my son alot of things as well as my mom and i look at it like this my hubby kids are taking care of by us on a monthly payment plan called child support and plus i buy them things on weekends also , and I have been told that I want my son to be the only son which is not true , they are 5yrs apart in age. and my step son does not care for my son, so it hard and i understand were you are but please never give up on your family remember the words in your vows and try to live on them, and if it get to the point were you can't take it any more you have to talk with your hubby and explain that this is your home and that you are the Queen and that the BS has to stop and when he ask you to become his helpmate , the kids, family, friends and that dam baby mom come last, see you have to get on his level and her level for a min. to show them that you are in charge and that you have alright to help with the son and see she does not really care about what she is doing to her son state of mine much because he is her pass ticket so she can have a way to speak with your hubby and be in his life and she knows this and she is going to work this to the max's so I pray that you continue to be strong and hold your ground because step mom don't get pay for dum shit. start counting the year were you can fine peace and I mean peace is coming to you just hold on Trouble don't last Alway!!

Jeanette - posted on 07/30/2009

3

2

0

P.S. have your husband take her to court and let a judge lay out visitation, payments etc.

Jeanette - posted on 07/30/2009

3

2

0

I've gone through the same thing for the last 11yrs. My husband and i broke up in the begining of our relationship for 6 months and in that time he got his ex pregnant. She still to this day uses the children to try to get him but, instead of getting what she wanted she pushed her children away. They both chose to come live here near us (with their grandmother)and basically don't want anything to do with her. I tried for years to deal with her for the childrens sake but, sometimes to keep yourself sane you have to just let him deal with it and go about your life happily because living happy with him is the best revenge!

[deleted account]

I know how frustrating it could be when the bio-mom is pushing you away and doesn't want you to be apart of their child's, your stepchild's life.





One thing I suggest...is just stand back for a little while..and I don't mean out of the child's life, I mean out of hers. Until she can calm down and relax...





One thing we have to remember is that biological mothers are also having an emotional roller coaster ride trying to accept and approve the idea of their own child having another mother role in their life.





I'm certain she is not angry directly at you..she is only afraid that her child will "replace" her with you.





I feel like the only thing us stepmothers can do is have serious, private conversations with the mothers and let them know that we are only trying to form special bonds and build friendships with our stepchildren...we aren't here to split the mother and child apart and take over...


We only want the best for our stepchildren - and to do that, the child needs to trust you and have faith in you..





I hope it works out for you and it will...just have patience and remember one of us has to stay strong and positive - so let it be you!

[deleted account]

what ever she is doing ignore it, whatever she is doing let your partner deal with it, DONT get mad, DONT even know what she says, i feel its best to stay out of it and let them get some trust into their relationship, because the bonds are very very delicate and becasue it will ONLY give you grief because she WILL only ever hate you, besides she chose to have a relaitionship with him once, and not you, so she will probably be very resentful of your presence for a long time. When she says no, dont get your ex to fight and fight with her because really he wont gt anywhere with someone who hates him too. SO I would encourage him to let her know he supports her as much as possible, even if she is being a troll, or leave her alone if she wants to be left alone. The things he doesnt agree with, he should say no I dont agree with, but support whatever he can within reason. ANything that is fully unreasonable he shouldnt do.

ALso if she is denying access for no reason at all, get some specific orders that protect the childrens right to know both parents and leave it at that. I know from bitter experince that once one person has the upper hand they will use it over and over until they CHOOSE to be amicable. I really really hope the BM will one day be amicable. That is your only hope. Im assuming your in the US, if you do go to court, it might be good to ask for some counselling for just them as parents.

JEANNETTE - posted on 07/30/2009

24

42

1

HEY LISETTE:) DONT WORRY I AM GOING THROUGH THE SAME SHIT. BABY MAMA DRAMA. I HAVE A STEPDAUGHTER LIVING WITH US FOR NOW 1 1/2 YRS. MY FIANCE HAS FULL CUSTODY. BUT THE BMOM THINK SHE CAN COME AROUND WHENEVER SHE FEEL LIKE IT. GIRLFRIEND YOU NEED TO PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN AND LET HER KNOW. IT GETS REALLY TIRING. I AM TRYING TO DO THE BEST FOR MY STEPDAUGHTER. SHE HAS BEEN IN A HARD LIFE SITUATION. JUST BE CAREFUL OF WHAT YOU DO. BMOM ALWAYS TRYING TO RUIN OUR RELATIONSHIP UP. STAY STRONG. SHE IS JUST JEALOUS AND NEED TO GROW UP. LIKE I TOLD THIS ONE.

Debbie - posted on 07/29/2009

626

5

103

I think you have every right to be/do/act the way you do. She is controlling your life and it needs to stop. Your hubby needs to stand up to her! I do not understand this whole military thing but if she is half as worried as your hubby is then I would call her bluff.



Again you ARE amazing....your hubby should be kissing your feet and thanking god for you everyday. Good on you for not letting this little girl (her daughter) suffer aswell. Just maybe spend a little extra attention on your oldest. Look after you, your family and then the other kids and DO NOT feel guilty about it.

Lisette - posted on 07/28/2009

9

5

0

Thank you Debbie, im glad someone else see where im comming from. My husband alway's say's that im punishing the kid. I treat this kid and her kid like they are mind. We just got back together a year ago,he has been living with this women as a family .She has a daughter that they raised to think that she was his. My oldest daughter didnt like this at (she was 7) he didnt care. I still have this kid (the girl) at my house as if she is his. My husband still lets her call the shots. This is a win loser cause. He makes me feel like im the bad one. She's in the military to . I never went to anyone cause we were young then (32) , but now that we are tring to work it out she still has the upper hand cause he does whatever she says. If he wants his son but not her daughter ,the son cant come.Im tired ,I dont know what else to do. I told her I was going to her command but my husband say's i will get him in trouble to . He said he already got a article 15. So whats the problem. She's bothering us. Im i wrong for saying let her see how it feels to say no when she wants us to get the kids? Im I punishing the kids when i say this/ Help me

Debbie - posted on 07/28/2009

626

5

103

Lisette, you sound like a very loving and forgiving person and I admire you for that. I dont think I would be as forgiving. It sounds like your hubby has a lot of guilt issues to deal with. He needs to deal with them and come to terms with it, so that he can stop letting this woman walk all over him. Maybe you need to have something set in court about visitation so that she cannot dictate to you or your hubby about when and where you can visit with his child. Stand your ground, whilst ever he is allowing her to rule she will. He needs to grow up and accept responsiblity for his actions and do whats best for that child, which is something the mother is not doing, she is using that poor kid to get what she wants.

Jaime - posted on 07/28/2009

769

35

94

I totally didn't agree with the way my husband was with his ex and there child in the begining and most of all I don't agree with the way they act towards each other, they are only hurting there son in the process. I have had many words with BM because I tried to help with visitation, then was downgraded regarding visitations and it turned into an all out bitch fest which got us absolutely no where. I felt my husband was too easy going with the fights for phone calls and visitation when my SS was small and now it is too the point where no one cares what happens.

Lisette - posted on 07/28/2009

9

5

0

Thank you jamie but what if your husband always agrees with what she saiy's., now she only lets him see or talk to his son when she wants ,if things are not going the way she wants then she want let him talk or see him til she feels like it or it benefits her. i tell him he needs to stop giving in to her but all hes says is he not thinking about her ,he lokking out for his son and we should punish the son because she is acting stupid. I dont think thats punishing the son thats telling her that she doesnt have the upper hand,as long has it keeps letting her do this this is how its going to be.

Lisette - posted on 07/27/2009

9

5

0

thanks cause im going to need all the help i can get. the funny thing about this is that she tells me that i have nothing to do with my step-son , that is her and my husband s problem. The thing is we were married when she got pregnant but the person that im i never went to anyone nor did anything about it. she asks like i broke up her home. my husband finally amitted that he made a mistake, he wanted his family back and now she uses his son to get back at him. i've been fighting this battle for along time and now i need some help to solve it.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms