Step Mom frustrated with Biological mom

M - posted on 09/22/2009 ( 27 moms have responded )

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My step daughter's mom is giving my husband a hard time. First when she thought he was going to cheat on me with her a few years ago when we first got together he was able to do whatever he chose to with his daughter. Well he put a end to her nonsense and had to end up going to court and put himself on child support. Well she is not following the court's orders as far as communication and sends her child to his house for weekend visits with clothes that are too small. He wasn't even invited to her birthday party. She sent the letter certified mail the Friday before the party with no name on it and the post office didn't know who to deliver it to. She gets more than enough child support and refuses to cooperate with him. She has not given him any of the court ordered documents and I am also being harrassed by her, her sister and friends. What can I do? Because honestly I feel that she is really putting a strain on our relationship. She makes people think he is a deadbeat that doesn't want to assist her but he is doing all he can for his child. PLEASE HELP!

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Shannon - posted on 10/11/2009

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My husband's ex is very irratating at times. He has court ordered visitation but she refuses to let them come. He will say he is coming to get them for Christmas and she will say he can't take them. Then she tell everyone he doesn't want to see his kids. We live in different states so it makes it even harder with visitation. She says that he can visit if he comes to her house and stays there for his periods of possession. My husband pays a ton of money in child support but she says she cannot afford school supplies or clothes. She cried when we got married. Cried when we got pregnant. Calls my husband to yell at him. Then she calls to try to have deep conversation. She doesn't want me involved unless she wants to try to use me to manipulate my husband to give her money (which I would never do). It is ridiculous!

Betty - posted on 09/25/2009

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Why should she invite you to a birthday party she is throwing? You should be throwing her a party too on your own. We never invite BM to birthday parties and neither does she. My SD has plenty of people that adore her so getting two separate parties works best for her anyway.
Maybe she is being sent to you with those outfits because BM likes to keep all the nice clothes at her house. We send my SD in outfits we don't care about and BM does the same thing to us.
Just don't let the small stuff like not being invited to birthday parties and getting her back in crummy outfits bother you. This type of stuff is not a big deal because you can throw your own parties and change her into clothes that fit her.
If you let all the small stuff go you will feel a lot better while dealing with the real problems. You don't even like this woman so don't let her upset you.

[deleted account]

I feel your pain and have gone through and am going through a similar situation. BM won't communicate with hubby either. She emails if she wants to say anything and even though the judge ordered her to talk to hubby during scheduled calls if SD didn't want to talk to him, BM would only answer with one word answers then hang up if he asked her something she didn't want to answer.

There have been times when I've been so pissed off at BM and the stress she causes our marriage. But don't ever give her the satisfaction of knowing your true feelings. Continue to support your hubby and your SD. She deserves it. And in the long run I think BM's actually helped us get closer because we have no one who understands what we are going through but us.

And about BM not sharing court ordered documents like where SD lives, goes to school, her doctor, etc talk to your attorney and see if you can file for contempt of court. In our documents the judge specifically told BM she hadn't provided a home address for SD and it was hubby's right to know where his child lived and she needed to let him know right away.

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T - posted on 11/09/2009

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I would find it helpful if you restated the exact issues listed in your blog individually. There seems to be a lot of running together and confusing information. What exactly are the real issues here?
--How is she not cooperating, and about what?
--What court ordered documents?
--How are you being harrassed, and by whom? If true harrassment, there are laws about that.
--What kind of strain are you feeling, and when?

T - posted on 11/09/2009

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Quoting Betty :

Why should she invite you to a birthday party she is throwing? You should be throwing her a party too on your own. We never invite BM to birthday parties and neither does she. My SD has plenty of people that adore her so getting two separate parties works best for her anyway.
Maybe she is being sent to you with those outfits because BM likes to keep all the nice clothes at her house. We send my SD in outfits we don't care about and BM does the same thing to us.
Just don't let the small stuff like not being invited to birthday parties and getting her back in crummy outfits bother you. This type of stuff is not a big deal because you can throw your own parties and change her into clothes that fit her.
If you let all the small stuff go you will feel a lot better while dealing with the real problems. You don't even like this woman so don't let her upset you.



Amen about the invite and the party.  Definitely have your own party if it is not possible to do it together (we did most of them together, but had some of our own too, depending on what the child wanted to do).  Hear that last part, everyone?  What does the child want to do?



Boo hiss to the "send my SD in outfits we don't care about..."  You, the BF, the BM, and anyone else who engages in that behavior should be posted in a huge hall of shame.  When should you NOT care about what your child wears?  What a crappy message to give your child.  The clothes do not belong to you--they belong to the CHILD.  You or the other parent paid for them, but unless they are family heirlooms, what a load of bull!  The sooner everyone gets over that control game, the better for the child.  So what if something stays there for a week or so extra?  And how many of you can honestly say you never wore something too small, big, mismatched, or in not so great condition when you were a kid. Oh well!  They go over there in a set of clothes with enough to wear to be safe and comfortable, and they likely come home with mostly the same count.  Follow your own advice and let that small thing go, will you please? 

Heather - posted on 11/08/2009

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I suggest getting a lawyer. My step son was recently moved by his mother so that he now resides eight states away from us. We got a lawyer real quick! The best I can suggest for your relationship with your husband is to keep the communication lines open. Talk about the whole ordeal and stand together in your decisions.

Katie - posted on 11/08/2009

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I understand what your going through. my step daughter was taken from her mother almost a yr ago when she put her into foster care and barely sees her and she kept her from us for two years and we are seeing her and have been since she has been in fostercare because her mother is a piece of junk. im sorry to hear that she is doing that to you. i hope things work out for you. i will keep you and your family in mind.

April - posted on 11/08/2009

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btw we also send back my step daughter in the clother her mom sent her in unless they are totally tore up and small. if she comes in very tattered clothing we will replace it with a new article of clothing from somewhere cheap like walmart or target. she has her own room at our house and clothes galore at our place and we feel bad sometimes that her birth mom doesnt use the child support wisly so we sill sometimes buy 60 to 100 dollars worth of clothing and /or shoes to go back home with her. and at xmas and birthday time she is a very happy girl because we buy her things for our house and her moms house but we keep the more valuable things at our house since hey we bought it right? we have 2 other kids together that might not get as much at christmas time as my step daughter but i dont mind one bit.

April - posted on 11/08/2009

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i have a 9 year old step daughter with a dead beat mom. i think it will never get better for you unfortunately, we dont get harassed anymore but she still plays childish games. she never follows court orders and doesnt care to. my step daughter wants to live with us but isnt old enough to chose yet. my step daughters mom lets us have her when she doesnt feel like dealing with her or when she wants to go out to a club but then when we send her back home to her moms she gets in trouble for having fun or going places with us. its very sad but the court and legal system always side with the birth mom. i have been there for my step daughter since birth and her mom still gives us trouble. i dont know if her mom is jelous of my relationship with her daughter or just wants to make us miserable like herself. my step daughters mom has 5 kids with 4 men and still has men coming in and out of the house. we are in our mid 20s so to have that many kids by that many different men you know what kinda woman im dealing with. my step daughters mom may be bi polar or even skitzo for that matter i dont know shes crazy so i try to stay out of most situations i only butt in when my step daughter teels me things like " my real mom doesnt love me" or "my real only likes the new babies" or" she forgot to feed my all day" her mom even went on the Maury povich show for a paternity test of her 3rd baby and some guy. so hope you have better luck than me but really all you can do as a non maternal mom is sit back and take everything with a grain of salt.

Amanda - posted on 11/05/2009

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That's what I do...send him back in what she had him in when I picked him up. It's nothing nice trust me! He wears what we've bought him while he's here but it doesn't get sent with him because she doesn't send anything. We meet her at a conv. store because we live about 1 hr from each other if not more. It's got to the point we have to tell her we're taking him to relatives house or something before she will dress him nicely. It's pathetic I think. We basically have to buy and have nice clothes for him because she sends none for me to even return, even though we know we've sent and she can afford to buy good ones. Hopefully it will get better in the future.

Megan - posted on 11/04/2009

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I'm confused about the clothing issue. We send the boys home in exactly what they came to us wearing. While they are with us they wear clothing that we have purchased and that stays at our house.



I try to wash their "Mom Clothes" while they are here but honestly sometimes it doesn't happen because we are really busy when they are here.



I don't understand about all this talk of sending them in clothes that you don't get back. If we ever do for some reason have the boys go home in a piece of our clothing we get it back at the next visitation. We sit in the driveway until the boys get it and bring it out.



We don't buy the boys a ton of clothes for our house, as mom's child support is used for that but we do have a couple of pairs of jeans and shorts and t-shirts for each boy. It has simplified things tremendously to do it this way.

Victoria - posted on 11/04/2009

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okay,dad needs to stand up and take mom back to court and discuss this with the judge, try to reason with her first fight fire with fire on your behalf you should also try to rectify your relationship with her let her no that you will be there regardless and that you support your man to the fullest, honor and trust,neva neva give and as far as her fan club let them no you got 9-an 1 on speed dial....

Jennifer - posted on 11/03/2009

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Take her back to court write down proof of the child support the stuff she does the stuff she don't do keep a journal of all the things that happen good and bad and if this mother is anything like the one i deal with it is just about all bad. he should fight for custody at least joint custody and if she don't obied the court order she can be found in contempt

Katrena - posted on 11/02/2009

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go get a dvo out on her and her friends if you have to get a answering machine too and if he is paying child support he,s entittled to see his kids so get a mediator envolved let them deal with her

Kelly - posted on 11/02/2009

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Ex's can be very crule.not taking into concideration what is best for the child.My husband and i have been together 13 years. We dont agree with the ex;s way or lack of disp. So our oldest stepson has been in a lot of trouble. We are not told of until its to late.We have never been behind on support. The boys lack nothing. But each time there is trouble she blames my husband. He has not been allowed to be in his life. My only hope is that someday he will relize we are here for him and always have been. Good luck to you. Being a stepmom is a very hard job.

Amanda - posted on 11/01/2009

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You're doing better off than me with my stepson. His mother doesn't send ANYTHING with him. I hate not to send a good outfit on him when taking him home BUT when I send the god awful ones she has on him...and the new outfit...I never see it on him again. Then I lose clothes for him here. I'm just about fed up with it. As far as birthday parties...we have one for him. His mother has one with her family. There's no way we could along if we all were together.

Dailey - posted on 10/13/2009

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Did the court order her to invite him to the birthday party? That seems a little out of the courts control IYKWIM. I would plan to do your own party if your not getting cooperation from her. She has to follow the court order of she can be held in contempt. I would write the courts a letter explaining what part of the order she has failed to honor. They will likely give her a few weeks to reply and then give you the opportunity to make what any time missed.

Kristina - posted on 10/13/2009

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Girl you sound just like me! In my situation my step sons mom has put us through a lot over the past 3 yrs. We lost our baby because of her nonsense 2 yrs ago. For a while there she refused to let him talk to or see his son, just here recently she is letting him come every other weekend. Sad thing is.. he has a step dad and she is forced to call him "dad" and call his real father by his name. It's so sad what some of these mothers put their kids through. She coaches him on the phone when he talks to his father and listen to every word. I know that he has made the comment that he hates living with his mom and wants to live with us but he is only 10 yrs old and cannot make the choice of where he wants to live just yet. He has even said that sometimes he wished he would just die, that his life is miserable there.

She is going to try and make your relationship fall apart, that is all she is trying to do. Don't let her get the best of you. Just ignore it, although I know that it is very hard to do. Just remember though that jealousy causes people to do stupid things. She is not hurting anyone but her own child and just like my step son, in the end she will turn her child against her. : )

M - posted on 09/27/2009

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No, it doesn't bother us. We keep the clothes we buy here and let her wear that stuff when she is hear. When she goes back home, she wears what she came down in. I have realized that even though she does that the only person's feelings that are getting hurt are hers, because her daughter comes back in what she sent. I refuse to treat her wrong or allow her to walk around looking thrown away. So it's okay. We now just laugh at her stupidity...

Betty - posted on 09/27/2009

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If the clothes thing bothers you enough than just toss them and send her home with replacement clothes that fit her. As long as you can't be accused of wiping out her wardrobe it shouldn't be a problem and just to be on the safe side you could pack the clothes away and give them to her on a later date if she asks for them.
I let the clothes thing go over here. We dress her in nice clothes when she is on her way to BM's(we used to only send her off in chinsey outfits but she is older now and that would be wrong for her age) and BM will either send her to us in something of ours or send her in shirts that say something about being a big sister on them. She might think she is bothering us by putting her in shirts that say 'big sis' on them but I think it's cute when she wears them. I'm thinking about buying some myself to send her back in to confuse BM. hahaha! It seems like BM ends up keeping the outfits we send her in if she likes them but if we have already dressed her in the outfit a few times than we don't really care anyway.

M - posted on 09/27/2009

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Thanks so much. It's just frustrating because everything I told him would happen has happened. I feel like a lot of the time she is acting this way because of me. But if the roles were switched, I would want somebody to love my child just as much as the BM does. Itake care of her as if she were mine...have since day one. It has been nothing but hell. Now we are trying to figure out if we should keep the clothes she sends that are too small or keep sending them back. I figure if we keep them eventually she will run out of little clothes to send. I just don't understand why she would do that. We have actually come to the point we don't even use the clothes she sends us. We have clothes here for her. Oh well she will not get the best of us, regardless of how hard she tries.

Laura - posted on 09/26/2009

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Please don't let the BM have the power to influence your relationship with your husband. I have two sd, for their entire lives my husband has had them exactly half of time...one week on and one week off. I've been with him for 7 years so I've been a mother to them for that long. In the best interest of a blended family I've always treated them as my own. In fact when you get down to it they spent more time with me than their mom or their dad. The bio mom decided a few months ago that she didn't like the fact that I was raising her daughters so she told my husband they could only come over when he has time off of work. So we went from equal time to barely any. There are no legal documents and my husband is completely non-confrontational. I would've had her in court the next day but he feels that he sees them as much as he always did...which is true (for him). But for me and my 3 girls who've lost there equal time with their sisters....it's all different. He acknowledges that but does nothing to fix it. Which would require him taking her to court, spending the money and gaining our previous arrangement back. I've had to let go of whatever 'control' I thought I had regarding my two sd...It's not my role. Although I've been in it for 7yrs...I had to give it up in the BEST interest of my marriage. I don't want to allow her the power and influence to interfere with my husband and I. I'm sure nothing else would make her happier...Good Luck and try to let it go because in the end..It's not under your control. If he doens't fight, you can't make him. If he chooses to just put up with it, that's his decision. I know it's hard, believe me. I struggle every day but your marriage is your priority not her relationship with him...

Angele - posted on 09/25/2009

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I have two stepsons with my husband. A friend had told my husband along time ago, "A child will always love thier mother, but will she her what she is one day." His friend had a mother who gave his father a hard time about visitation. My husbands ex did that with us for a while. As the boys have grown sure enough they see thier mother for the person she is. So, do not think these children are unaware of what is going on because they are. Just make sure the child knows you all are there for her and love her. Send cards on holidays ... all children love getting mail.

Ashley - posted on 09/24/2009

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To: Sandy Rea
I know what you are going through and have been. We go through the same thing and it is very hard on all of us not getting to see his daughter. She will not let us communicate with her or anything. It is pretty sad that these mothers are worrying about themselves instead of their children in this type of situation. My husband and I have been together for 9 years and it hasn't changed yet. You just have to wait until the child is old enough to understand and come find out the real truth on her own. Unless you have a bunch of money to fight with in court.

Sandy - posted on 09/22/2009

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I've been in almost the same situation,except my step-daughter,s mom refuses to let my husband have anything to do with his daughter who is 12.Everytime she seemed to get comfortable around him and our kids the next weekend she would be distant like she got in trouble for loving us. I never understood why she did these things to my husband but it's torn him up for years.Finally I told him he had other kids that needed him as much as her and someday she'd know the truth.He still thinks about her daily and hopefully one day she'll come back.As for the mom there is no way to change her she's in her own little world and will always think she's a queen but we both know the truth! Just believe in yourself and support your husband in all his decisions about his daughter.Everything will get better over time. you know the truth.Don't let anyone change that.

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