Step Mom or Mrs. ?????

Marie - posted on 07/28/2012

Lesley,
I am both a Bio-mom and a Step-mom. My son is 15, my SD's are now 6 and 8. My son lives with his Dad, who has not yet remarried. I live about 9,000 miles away from him. I pray every day that his Dad find someone to love and nurture my son as if he were her own. My X and I now get along in a civil manner, short emails, phone conversations when needed and on those rare occasions when in person, we seem to be able and talk to each other without any anger and at times laugh. My son's relationship is pretty good with my husband. In the beginning I think my son felt a bit guilty being civil to my husband around Dad. When he is around us and no Dad around, he is a totally different kid. He is just that, A KID. You can tell there is load lifted off his shoulders and that he can be himself without feeling he is hurting his Dad by enjoying his time with us. My son calls my husband by his first name and we are all perfectly content with that. I knew coming into a marriage which involved S-children that there would be some difficult times. My now husband was not prepared for how sadly stressed our family would be these last 4.5yrs.
The relationship with BM is not a good one. Yes she is the mother of my SD's and yes I know she loves them. Do I think she has always put them first? No, not by a long shot. They don't always get fed breakfast before school, they eat candy for breakfast, they make their own meals at times, they aren't always well dressed or hair done properly, they are constantly being left with her friends for a "sleep over", constantly around new BF's or men who seem to think it is ok to tickle and wrestle with them, and on and on and on. Do I think all this makes her a "bad" parent? No, but I also don't think it makes her a top of the notch parent. I'm sure she has her complaints of Dad and me and our parenting skills. What I do believe makes her a mean parent and person is the constant bad mouthing of us to the girls. I have sat through too many tears and questions with those 2 beautiful girls. The first time I ever took care of them was before Dad and I were married. BM did not know me, I had only been dating my now husband for about 2 months, I had never met the girls due to relationship being so new. BM is the one who wanted to go out with friends and Dad had to work so I was her only option. This was on Mother's Day weekend. I moved in with Dad before getting married. BM seemed to have zero issues with this. Due to employment, Dad had to leave for quite some time. Did I have any rights to the girls? Absolutely not. Did BM have to let me see them? No. But let me tell ya. I saw plenty of them. I spent 4 months out of the 6 with them. All BM's choice. We got along great those 6 months unless I had to say no to watching the girls, then she would get extremely upset. She allowed us to bond the way we did. So for that, I will always be grateful. I have been in their lives 4.5yrs Dad and I have been married 3.5 of those. In the beginning when I first moved in, BM insisted on them calling me Mrs.____. I didn't have an issue with it. BM obviously didn't either. As soon as we married, the issues began. By this time the girls and I had come up with a special name they could call me, BM of course had an issue with this as well.The girls (mainly the oldest,5yr old) insisted on calling me mom. Dad and I spent the first yr. making sure they knew exactly who BM was. Their response was always "But we want to call you mom". We never forced, requested or even suggested they call me mom. I at one point,early on, had even said that this title was meant for BM. It seemed so simple for me to say it at the time.
This blended Family thing can be very confusing, especially to children. I have been so blessed to have these 2 girls in my life. They both call me mom, mama, mommy and at times by my special name. They are 6 and 8 and to see the fear in their eyes when they accidentally call me mom in front of BM is sad. Dad had custody of oldest and BM of youngest. Dad and I began taking oldest to see a counselor for the last 2.5 yrs. She has been for the last 4.5yrs and is still being pumped with negative comments about us, her family who she loves, and BM doesn't seem to think this is wrong. In the beginning it was oldest who would come home crying asking why her mom would say all those things about us. When youngest turned 5 she then also started coming home with the same questions. BM refused to take youngest to counseling saying she was perfectly fine.
The ironic thing in all this is that BM comes from a very very blended family. She calls her step parents mom and dad, her step brothers-brothers, and allows the girls to call her friends family aunt, uncle grandma and so on. Yet she has an issue with the girls calling me mom. BM has been engaged 4 times in the last 4.5yrs and made it very clear that the girls would be calling the BF Dad. Meanwhile, my husband not once had an issue with this as long as the girls were loved and respected. My husband grew up having a step-dad, although this is the man that he considered his true Father.
Lesley, the decision is ultimately up to the children. I think it is more common for young step-children to call their step-parents mom or dad, I think it is the innocence in them. They want to be loved by all. When step-children are older then it might be a bit "cooler" to call you by your first name. Then they become adults, with children themselves and things might change again. There is a big difference between insisting that a child call you mom or dad and them wanting to call you mom or dad. A loving step-parent is going to do right by the children. I have tried very hard to do right by BM but for my sanity I am done going above and beyond to try and please her and still make the girls happy. My priority is MY family. I don't know if BM sees it or not but I can feel the distance she is creating between herself and oldest daughter. The girls love all three of us (BM hasn't remarried) in their own way. The girls happiness is priority. Dad gained primary custody of both girls just recently and BM will me about 1,500 miles away. Is it best for the girls to be this far away from mom? According to the girls counselor, yes. Do I wish things would have been better? YES. These last several years could have been so happy for the girls. We have all been to counseling (only once with BM she said we turned counselor against her so she never went back) to try and make some sense out of all this. Let life run its course. I once asked by husband when things were extremely bad for our family, due to this issue, how he felt about the girls calling another man Dad, his response, "I won't bother me, the girls know who their Father is and I am secure and content with the relationship I have with them".
On a different note. I understand and do not judge on how other families deal with their family BUT a quick story about having children call male figures in their lives uncle. A dear friend of ours now in her 50's shared with us recently that her mom and aunts used to have her call their male friends/boy friends "Uncle", she said this bothered her as she got older because she would see them be affectionate towards each other in a way that uncles shouldn't be. She said she just always assumed as a little girl that this was how "Uncles" should behave. Children are very impressionable and things we see as innocent and "ok" are viewed differently by them.

Marie - posted on 07/28/2012

Rachel Hill
So what exactly do they call you?

Rachel - posted on 07/17/2012

My step children live with us (a recent situation) and for the last 6 years, I've been Mrs. Rachel. They shouldn't call me mom, their mom gets visits. And they shouldn't call me just by my first name, that would be disrespectful. Nicknames, to me, are also disrespectful to someone they are to mind. I also think having the children decide on names is too lax in the respect department. I guess we are a strict family. We love each other but rules and respect are important to us.

Kisha - posted on 08/30/2009

Michelle Morales said... "I would never make my step kids call me Mrs Morales.. That is just way to formal. We are family - there is nothing formal about it."

That's right! You are family! That's what you call your Sunday school teacher! I have step children & they too introduce me as their step mom Kisha but when they are at our house I'm Kisha or some silly lil nick name, usually one having to do with me being so short! lol! It's just my opinion... to each their own but that would be uncomfortable to me & I think my SK would be uncomfortable with it too. But what ever is good for one isn't always good for the other. As my mom says "Not every family is held together by the same glue!"

Sonya - posted on 08/28/2009

This is a good post because us SM that are bieng called MOM already don't see how much it effects the BM From the start they did not call me MOM they called me Sonya and I had to earn thier trust they did not like me right away due to BM putting stuff in thier heads but I wasn't going anywhere 2 years in the relationship BM went off the deep end jail drugs on the streets stealing the works, soon she kinda lost it and has abused drugs so much she isn't the same person anymore so in my case BM is hardley around andmy SK wanted to call me mom and we talked with BM and BM is okay with my 10 yr. old SD and 8 yr. old SS calling me mom because she is not in the picture and pops in every now and then, they do call her MAMA and she knows i go to the school meeting and fund raisers and I am there for the kids I have no intention on replacing her and even though my SK tell me they wish I was there real mom I tell them if it wernt for your mom bringing you into this wolrd I would have never gotten a chance to be in your lives so I am glad she is your mom. I have been apart of my kids lives for 5 1/2 years now and I am glad to see my SK grow although if the tables were turned I would not accept my 4 year old daughter to call anyonelse besides me MOM because I am one jelouse mama and I don't think I could deal with someone other than myself taking care of my kids. I just can't so I do see why you feel this way I will not lie. But you have to also take into consideration that kids even though they might feel obligated to call someone "mom" or "dad" if thier hearts not in it who are we to choose what our titles should be I once told my SK if you feel kinda wierd about calling me mom in front of your mom (bm) you can just call me Sonya and they said no it doesn't bother me or make me feel that way. But open communication is the key for a successful relatioship.

Carianne - posted on 08/08/2009

Hello Ladies,

Having been a step-child myself and having step-children of my own I have a different view of this situation. Growing up I had both a step-father & a step-mother. We were forced to call my mother's second husband "dad". I had issue with if from day one because I had issues with him & I resented being forced to call him Dad when I had a perfectly good Dad who took us every weekend. However it was not my choice to make (still a little bitter??, I think so). I did choose, however, to call my step-mother Mom. She was very much a huge part of my life and helped me through countless trials, especially during my pre-teen years. It devastated my mom and although she never came out and said anything my sister & I were careful to call my step-mother by her given name when our mom was around.

When my Husband & I started dating my son called him Andy (it came out Dee-dee because he was about a year & a half). Ethan was almost 4 when he made the choice to start calling my husband Dad (BD has never been in the picture).

My husband has 2 daughters from his first marriage and they call me Cari. Mrs would be too formal, I'm not their mom (they have a perfectly good mom at home who has done a great job raising them) but I do love them with all of my heat and I would protect them like I would protect my own. If they made the choice to call me mom I would never refuse them that, in fact I would be very honored. But it isn't something I would ever insist upon. I think it should be the child's choice.

Mel - posted on 08/08/2009

I think nicknames are a great idea. that way you are a parental figure still in the child's life but not attempting to take the role of the bio-mom (if the bio mom is fully involved in the child's life.)



Thanks for loving our children!

Melany - posted on 08/08/2009

Be grateful, if they do call someone else mom, that maybe it is because you raised them properly, to love everyone. And be grateful that they can trust another person as much as they trust you.. My step son is forbidden to call me mom, by his mom. It kills me, because I love him as my own. Where I can understand my own son, being able to call his step mom, mom, when he chooses too, because I am secure in our relationship as mother and son, and am grateful that when my son is with his father, he feels safe and cared for by his step mom.. Us step mom's are not here to take over, just love them as they are our own. hatred sucks and that's all you are teaching them.. is not to love another as much as they love you.

Michelle - posted on 08/07/2009

I think it should be left for the kids to decide. My step son didn't have a great relationship with his bm so, he called me mom. He said that I was the best thing he had for a mother.. Now, he is older (15) and is getting along with his bm and he calles me by my first name. My step daughter (19) has always called me by my first name and introduces me as her step mother. I am their step mother and there is nothing wrong with being called that. I think it should be left for the kids to decide what is most comfortable with them. I would never make my step kids call me Mrs Morales.. That is just way to formal. We are family - there is nothing formal about it.

Lesley - posted on 08/07/2009

I totally agree with all three of you. But y is it a fight when it comes to my son's dads wife?

Amanda - posted on 08/07/2009

If I were the bm and my son and soon to come daughter had a step mom I would not want them to call her mom. I am their mom and I plan to always be there for them in every way. I will never walk away from my children, they will always be my top priority. If I ever remarried I would not want them to call their step dad dad. They have a dad and he is the best dad in the world.



On the other hand I have 2 sk's and they both call me mom, but the only reason I allow this is because their bm is not in the picture. I have raised them since they were 1 and 3. I want them to know no matter what they have a mother who loves them even if it's not a bio mom.



I think it depends on the situation and if you are an active loving mother you shouldn't have to share the title unless you are ok with it.

Betty - posted on 08/07/2009

If I were in that situation as a BM, it would bother me a little bit but if it was the child's choice I would just leave it.

I remind my step daughter all the time that she shouldn't call me mom because I know her mom would become very resentfull of me and possibly pass that resentment onto my step daugher. I don't want that because I feel like we already have a mother daughter bond no matter what she calls me.

Jodi - posted on 08/07/2009

My step children just call me Jodi :) I'm fine with that (they are 17 and 10, but I have been in their lives for 7 years). I'm not sure how I'd feel if my son called his dad's wife/partner "mum" (although he doesn't currently have one, so that's not an issue). I do think I'd have an issue with it. But then, he doesn't call my husband dad, he calls him by his first name.



To be honest, I just want the kids to be comfortable with whatever term they use. I know I am my son's mum. But then, I haven't had to face my own son calling someone something other than their first name (all of the "girlfriends" have been first name basis to date).