step parenting is never easy??

Rebecca - posted on 01/09/2009 ( 12 moms have responded )

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Hello im a mother of almost 2 and have a step son whom is 5 yrs old,.. ever since ive been with my husband, he never gets to see his son, she says that hes just a sperm donnor and keep sending the money, and he cant have anything to do with him until he divorces me.. well now she finally came out and said, that she just wants to raise him, and to make it easier for him to stay out of his life.. and this is all because the first time i met his son, we hit it off, and when it was time to take him home.. he ran back to me, and she said i disrespected her? ok as a mother i would think you would want ur child(ren) to like who there ex spouse was with , would make me feel more comforable.. but no shes, made all these lies up about me, and its a never ending, battle. so its a choice that we cant have anything to do with him until hes 18. she fills his head full of things.. because before.. he was in korea for 2 yrs while his son was born, and they never saw eachother but had a kid, so she holds him only being there 9months out of 5yrs of his lfie against him too.. hes in the army.. really had no choice.. and because im 4yrs younger then her, she calls me a lil girl.. like i said. i really dnt even think dr. phil could help our situation out.. theres more to it, but kinda personal.. i joined this group to get advice cause i love my step son and really wanted that relationship with him.. but never will get the chance.. it just sucks cause she cleaned him out to where he pays $700 a month for once child, and its killin us for someone that we never get to see when we have 2 kids of our own.. i think thats just way to much for her to take from him.. any advice and any going threw the same.. im here to listen for advice or any input
thanks rebebcca

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Erin - posted on 01/11/2009

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Quoting Terri:

Child Support and visitation are seen as two completely seperate things it the court papers. My husband pays his ex's car payment, rent, beer and cigarette bill every month for his son. Our little guy comes to us with used raggy clothes that dont fit. And sometimes goes without a haircut. But shes always got a new car. But your child support is a percent of your income. Some states like Tx give a percentage break for each BM and child he may have. Ours dropped 2% when we had our son. So unless your makeing more money now then when the CS was wrote up she can't get more out of you. Next read those papers thru and thru. Make sure there isn't a over 100 miles stipulation. Also do your best to see the child. I know it can be tough. There were times I had a police escourt me to pick up my SS. They even had to physicaly get the child for us once. Just because she says you cant have him, doesnt override what the court papers say.


I absolutely agree with you! If the financial situation hasn't changed then she can not take you back to court for more money. That is just her way of trying to scare you into not taking her to court for visitation. Also, there are less expensive lawyers out there including court appointed ones that will do a good job for you. One thing, make sure if the papers say you ahve him twice a month, make sure you try to make it at least once a month and DOCUMENT everything! If she doesn't allow you visitation then when its court time she can loose big time. Most court systems fight on the behaf of the child and its the child right to know both parents and have the opporunity to be loved by both.

Debbie - posted on 01/11/2009

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We are going through a similar thing right now too. Only my SD is almost 18 so it's no use fighting for visitation. we pay 1000 a month, and dont see her at all her mother has turned her eldest away from us and now shes starting with this one. We are to pay all that money and she wont give her any of it. Then she gets her to msg us asking for money for a school project, when we dont give it to her we get nasty msg's saying it will be our fault she wont finish school. The project is a motorbike and it has to come back to us once its finished for my youngest (as it's his bike) she threatens to keep it if she has to pay for anything, yet she tells Child support agency she pays 100% of her care (so thats why our support is so much, plus my husbands income) She has continually made life difficult for us since they broke up 17rs ago Ive been with him for 16yrs, you think some ppl would get on with life huh? We had the kids on and off over the years, either when they were being to much for her to handle of she thought I wouldnt handle it, maybe she thought she could break us up. Now they are older she doesnt want to share them at all, as they do most of the house work and raising of her younger kids.

Teri - posted on 01/11/2009

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My response to this issue is a little different than some of the previous. In my experience, it does not require an attorney to get visitation of a child. I am from Grant County, Indiana, and there is a program that I am sure is not just exclusive to my county. No court will deny visitation of a child with their father. It would probably be a faster process if an attorney was involved, but how fast is the process now? I tried to deny my daughter's father visitation because he is a convicted felon and a known drug dealer. He took me to court, without an attorney, and was awarded visitation. Also, my soon-to-be husband took his daughter's mother to court for visitation, because she was denying him visitation for reasons similar to yours, and was awarded visitation without having an attorney. I understand that $700/month seems extremely unreasonable, but as far as the visitation rights of your husband, there really is just no excuse as to why he has not pursued this through the courts. I wish you all the luck in the world, and better yet wish your stepson luck, as he deserves to see his father. A price cannot be put on a child's emotional well-being.

User - posted on 01/11/2009

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Child Support and visitation are seen as two completely seperate things it the court papers. My husband pays his ex's car payment, rent, beer and cigarette bill every month for his son. Our little guy comes to us with used raggy clothes that dont fit. And sometimes goes without a haircut. But shes always got a new car. But your child support is a percent of your income. Some states like Tx give a percentage break for each BM and child he may have. Ours dropped 2% when we had our son. So unless your makeing more money now then when the CS was wrote up she can't get more out of you. Next read those papers thru and thru. Make sure there isn't a over 100 miles stipulation. Also do your best to see the child. I know it can be tough. There were times I had a police escourt me to pick up my SS. They even had to physicaly get the child for us once. Just because she says you cant have him, doesnt override what the court papers say.

Patty - posted on 01/10/2009

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Hey Rebecca. I agree with you that the ex should want her son to have a good relationship with the woman his dad is with and I agree with the posts that your husband should protect himself legally. However, you can take the high road. Understand that whatever passed between your husband and his ex, she is obviously threatened by you. You can assure her that you will always support her role as the childs mother and would never try to replace her.

La - posted on 01/10/2009

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My fiance pays $1000 a month for his two kids.  It absolutley drains us especially since I am due with our child any day now and have to take time off from work and school.

Nickie - posted on 01/10/2009

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WOW! 700 DOLLARS IN CHILD SUPPORT!? THATS INSANE! WHAT CAN A CHILD POSSIBLY NEED 700 DOLLARS IN ONE MONTH FOR?? THE FIRST THING I WOULD DO IS GO TO COURT AND TELL THEM YOUR SITUATION! YOU KNOW YOU'RE PAYING OUT THE ASS FOR A CHILD THAT YOU NEVER SEE! AND IF SHE SAYS SHE WANTS HIM TO STAY OUT OF HER CHILD'S LIFE, THEN THAT CAN BE TAKEN AS SHE DOESNT NEED ANYTHING FOR HIM AS WELL. MAKE SURE YOU DOCUMENT EVERYTHING AND MAKE SURE ANY PHONE CALLS ARE RECORDED..AND THEN TAKE HER TO COURT!

Rebecca - posted on 01/09/2009

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thank you all for ur support and help and im glad that i know im not alone out there..  see, we have checked in with a lawyer and they want 3500 starting.. who has that kind of money to just get visitation rights.. my husband does have rights the every other holiday and suppost to be every other weekend. but his son lives in tenn, and we live in texas,so thats impossible for him to see him every other weekend.. even when we make a plan can we have him for a month or so out of the summer, she says no.. and she threatins him.. and when he said, ok fine,.. were going to court, shes like fine im taking you to court for more money. im like are you kidding me??? we can barely afford our one child with another one on the way and she wants to take more money from us..?? is that possible? i dnt think she tells her lawyer that he has another family.. what judge would grant her more money? specialy when hes remarried and has two kids with his new wife?!!!! idk its very stressful.. she tells his son.. well you have a sister but its not ur real sister.. to me coming from a family where theres six kids and 3 of them are half im used to this whole step family stuff.. but i never knew how hard it was to be a step parent.. the kids dnt see all the bullshit the parents have to go threw until you do it urself..!! if that makes sence.. idk .. but now his son is going to have a sister and a brother,.. and like i said. i dnt want gus.. his son to miss out on his sibblings.. and i know it kills my husband.. but he looked at me and said.. im glad i married you.. i have the chance to be a father and i love you for that.. i am only 24 yrs old and my husband is 30 and i wouldnt be having 2 kids with him if he wasnt a good man and father... i hate  her calling him (my husband) and telling him that hes a dead beat dad. and that his son says all the time, i hate my dad. i dnt have a dad.. he left us.. but she reasures my husband that she dnt tell there son anything.. Right.... !!!!! anywho theres a little more about my situation.. like i said.. dr phil couldnt help this situation out.. when its all the other women!! really.. and she gets his family involved.. tells them bad things about me.. which some pri believe it, but the most important thing is that his mother and close siblings dnt belive her, never liked her one bit!!.. so there all on my side..

Stephanie - posted on 01/09/2009

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I am in a very similar situation myself. My husband and I have been together for 4 years, married for 2 1/2 years. His ex kicked him out when his yougest was only a few months old. When he moved back in with his parents to get on his feet, he continued to pay the house payment as well as all the bills (such as electric and water) while she paraded men in and out, on top of his child support She allowed him to see his kids regularly while he lived with his mom. But the day we got married and she had to move out of his house, everything changed. He had raised one of her daughters from the time she was 5 months old to the time she was almost 6 years old. All of a sudden he wasn't allowed to have anything to do with her (we had a crappy attny who told us since she wasn't our biological child she would mess things up and have anger issues against us). We ran into her at his mothers house one weekend, and she grabbed him screaming "daddy!" It broke my heart. She sat down and asked him how come he didn't want to be her daddy....it was awful. On top of not being able to see her, his visitation with his bilogical children has almost stopped, even with an order in place. I can't tell you how many times that witch has been found in contempt of court. His order states he is to have his chldren a MINIMUM of two nights a week, he's lucky to see them two nights a month. And when he does see them, it is seldom both of them. He wasn't even given the opportunity to speak with his little girl on her birthday. It took over two weeks after before a phone call was answered. She scans her calls and refuses to answer when he calls. It drives me nuts. I don't want these kids growing up thinking their daddy doesn't love them because their mother is a vindictive bitch. There have even been times when she has had to go to the hospital and stay, and she has asked my husbands mother to watch his kids and has denied him the right to spend that time with them. I have two children from a previous marriage myself, and no matter what I never get in the way of visitation or phone calls no matter what a butt head he's been. I've gone months without support, but a deadbeat dad is a better dad than no dad at all. He's improved over the years, thank goodness. Partly due to his new wife staying on top of things lol. She's a great person and I know my kids love her and adore her as much as she does them. But the point is that it blows my mind that people are willing to mess up their own kids just to piss off their ex's. Hire an attorney, but make sure it's a good one, we got screwed and are hoping to persue things this year for primary custody. Good luck!

Erin - posted on 01/09/2009

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wow I'm in a somewhat similar situation. My husbands ex has fought him tooth and nail for visitation with his daughter, mainly becasue of her bitterness that they didn't work out, and doesn't want myself or our daughter to be involved in their daughters life. Sad. If I were you and your husband, I would get a damn good lawyer and take her sorry butt to court! He deserves consistant visitation and he pays child support so she has no say. COURT!!!!! :)

Elizabeth - posted on 01/09/2009

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I agree with Heather. I hate that the kids get used in these situations. Your husband needs an attorney if he doesn't already have a specific visitiation order. I have 2 step kids that live with us. Their mother doesn't pay us a dime. Your husband has rights and should fight for it and he should also fight to get a reduction in his child support. There are also orders that would bar her from saying those things about your husband. If she continued to say those things she would be in contempt. My husband had custody awarded to him so, maybe that is something that you should look into. It's a long hard emotional road but, it sure is worth it.

Heather - posted on 01/09/2009

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Yes, as a good mother you would want your child to like ur SO's spouse, but as a bitter ex you don't think about that, atleast that's what I gather.  Tell your hubby to get a lawyer and fight for visitation!!!!!   I am so sick of these woman who hold their children as pawns in some sick twisted game!  Kids are PEOPLE WITH FEELINGS not objects to just be thrown around.  UGH!  It makes me so mad when I hear of people doing this kind of stuff.  And 700??  WOW!!!  My ex is SUPPOSED to pay 240 a month had to get the state to start taking his money and all I get is 150 a month and I have NEVER nor would I ever withhold his visitation.  It makes me mad cuz I have the opposite problem, my ex takes my son once every 4 to 6 months.  Add me, and lets chat!



                                                                ~Heather

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