Step son is forced to call his step dad "dad" & his real dad by his name.

Kristina - posted on 10/13/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )

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There is one thing I will never understand and that is why people force their own children to do something they do not want to do. My step son tells us that he is made to call his step dad "dad" and his bio. father by his name. The last time he was here, he kept getting so confused when he was say dad to my husband. He would start talking about his mom and step dad and he would slip up and say " my parents" or "my dad." This hurts my husband so much. From what we are told by him the reason his mom makes him call him dad is because they have a small baby and they did not want her to start calling her father by his name, although she does it anyway. She is now one and I am very sure that she knows who her daddy is and knows how to say dad to her own father. We don't want to say anything to the BM because we don't want to risk the chance of getting him in trouble or her not letting us see him again. We have struggled with her over the past 3 yrs on and off about seeing him. She will let us see him for a while and then last Jan. it just stopped. She blames us for it of course because he lives 2 hrs away it's hard sometimes when we are struggling with money to go get him every other weekend for one day. This was when he was playing sports, we would have to go get him on sat. and bring him home on Sun. and that was just too much for us esp. when we didn't have the money for it. She has tried to keep him from talking to his father up until a few wks ago. Now we are "allowed" to get him every other weekend I guess until we make her mad again. He is starting to see her for who she really is, he has said so himself and just like I have warned her, she is going to turn her own son against her. I think it's sad when a 10 yr old says that his life is miserable at home and that sometimes he wished he would just die. He hates living there, he says they are mean to him. I feel so bad for him but most of all because he is so confused when it comes to calling his step dad "dad" and his real father by his name. What kind of person would do this to their own child??

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Teri - posted on 10/26/2009

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You're right. I have a 12 year old step daughter and she was 4 when we got married. Her mom told her the same thing about me. She was with us 95% of the time when we first got married, then her mom started getting her about 3 days a week. I still do alot more with her than her mom does. She has even told me that she wished that her mom was more like me and would do things with her. She longs for her mom's attention so much, but her mom just isn't that kind of mom that wants to spend time and do things with her kids.

Kelcie - posted on 10/25/2009

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My story is a bit different I have a 6 year old stepson who tells everyone that Iam his step mom including his BM who quickly corrected him and said that Iam Nothing to him and nor will I ever be. SOrry but he lives with me not her and Im the one that takes care of him so I believe that Iam something in his life whether she likes it or not!

Teri - posted on 10/19/2009

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Quoting Kristina:

Step son is forced to call his step dad "dad" & his real dad by his name.

There is one thing I will never understand and that is why people force their own children to do something they do not want to do. My step son tells us that he is made to call his step dad "dad" and his bio. father by his name. The last time he was here, he kept getting so confused when he was say dad to my husband. He would start talking about his mom and step dad and he would slip up and say " my parents" or "my dad." This hurts my husband so much. From what we are told by him the reason his mom makes him call him dad is because they have a small baby and they did not want her to start calling her father by his name, although she does it anyway. She is now one and I am very sure that she knows who her daddy is and knows how to say dad to her own father. We don't want to say anything to the BM because we don't want to risk the chance of getting him in trouble or her not letting us see him again. We have struggled with her over the past 3 yrs on and off about seeing him. She will let us see him for a while and then last Jan. it just stopped. She blames us for it of course because he lives 2 hrs away it's hard sometimes when we are struggling with money to go get him every other weekend for one day. This was when he was playing sports, we would have to go get him on sat. and bring him home on Sun. and that was just too much for us esp. when we didn't have the money for it. She has tried to keep him from talking to his father up until a few wks ago. Now we are "allowed" to get him every other weekend I guess until we make her mad again. He is starting to see her for who she really is, he has said so himself and just like I have warned her, she is going to turn her own son against her. I think it's sad when a 10 yr old says that his life is miserable at home and that sometimes he wished he would just die. He hates living there, he says they are mean to him. I feel so bad for him but most of all because he is so confused when it comes to calling his step dad "dad" and his real father by his name. What kind of person would do this to their own child??


 

Jade - posted on 10/19/2009

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This is exactly what was happening with my 7 yr old SD, she would call him dad while she was here but at home was not allowed, had to refer to him by his name and step-dad had to be "dad" Every time she calls them on the phone from here, she can't talk about what she does properly because she can't refer to him as dad but won't call him by his name in front of us, so it made her convos with them very awkward. She says she's allowed to call him dad at home now but I don't know if she's saying that just to keep us happy. its very unfair on the child to be forced into this, i believe they should be given the choice of what to call both step parents and dad should be dad. Good luck.

Dena - posted on 10/18/2009

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I think its ok that he calls his step-dad, dad, but it should be on the child's terms. And in no way should the mother expect her son to call his biological father by his name. That is disrespectful and very hurtful. I think the mother should be talked to by the biological father. He should let her know that its confusing to their son and very hurtful towards him. Hopefully she is understanding.
I have two step-daughters. One is 19 and the other one is 17. The 19 year old calls me mom and call her step-dad, dad..but the 17 year old wants no part of it. And that is ok. I respect what she decides. Like I said it should be on the child's terms.

Amanda - posted on 10/17/2009

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That is NOT right at all that a mother would make her son call the stepdad, dad...and call his real daddy by his real name. That's so terrible. I have a 4 yr old stepson and that would break my heart...and of course my husbands. I can only imagine what your husband is going through...and you too. I wouldn't put up with it for one minute. She would be told that it is wrong if it were me. If things got bad after that, I would try my best to get him away from that household once and for all. Especially if he says they are mean to him. I've been in my stepbaby's life since he was 20 months old. My husband took his ex gf (my stepson's mother) to court when he was just a baby and she didn't even show up the first time. Some ppl can't take it when they see something can be done about their childish and unfit ways! Good luck to you. I hope everything gets better for your stepson.

Stacy - posted on 10/16/2009

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I know money is an issue for you, however your husband has rights and he needs to enforce them. He can get legal aide, and take her to court, only problem is you'll have to go the the state the child lives in to file for custody or rights. The child is 10 and the judge or commisioner may even talk to your step-son about whats going on and what he wants, just dont talk to him about it. She DOES NOT have the right to keep him from you or to coach him into calling his dad by his name! If you get custody and she keeps him from you, you can hold her in contempt of court and she could face jail time. Good luck!

Becky - posted on 10/16/2009

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I wold seek a lawyer and see if they can make any special arrangments to see if a 10 year old can decide who he wants to live with. Take Action. Especially if he is saying he wants to die and life at home is miserable

Sarah - posted on 10/15/2009

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My stepson's BM has told him to call her current husband "dad", yet God forbid he calls me "mom". It's a double standard, that everyone recognizes--including my stepson.

Jill - posted on 10/15/2009

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I would document everything and get a good lawyer and enforce the parenting plan...most parenting plans discourage that type of behavior. If your husband's plan doesn't, I would seek an amendment. If the child was born out of wedlock, I would definitely get an attorney's advise on how to proceed in getting parental rights.

Dailey - posted on 10/13/2009

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The only experience I have differs a bit from your situation. When my ex and I split, once we were both dating again my son would call my BF (now DH) dad. Now at first it was clearly a slip of the tongue and DS would quickly correct himself. But he started doing it more and more. My ex ad his GF (now his wife) were livid and thought we told him to call BF dad and his dad by his name. We explained that at our house the kids call BF whatever and we have no rules. My ex’s now wife was irate and insisted that we need to correct my son when he called BF dad. We refused and told them that we plan to marry one day and by correcting DS we are sending him the massage that BF doesn’t want to be looked at or considered a father figure, which is not true at all. Well DS slipped up at their house several times by total accident and each time they would lecture him on how wrong it was to call his dad by his first name. Once DS picked up on this hot button he started to do it intentionally. After they stopped correcting DS and let it go, he stopped doing it. He occasionally slips up but not very often.



I don’t know your whole situation but when SS does this I would say pay no attention to him calling his dad by his first name. Maybe sit SS down and let him know you understand he is around step dad a lot and is considered a father figure and you understand there will be times where he slips and calls dad by his name (after all I’m sure his BM calls your DH by his name and not “dad”), let him know you are not mad. Also, have you considered that he tells you he’s made to do this at his moms because of his sibling? My thought is he may have made that up to make you feel sorry for him because he was embarrassed when he slips up and calls dad by his name. Easier to point the finger at someone else than to admit to calling someone else dad. Just my .02. I know my kids have stretched the truth before to smooth things over as have my step kids.

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