step son thinks i can't enforce home rules, his mother supports this. any suggestions?

Renea - posted on 08/14/2009

Barby. think about the situation if the shoe was on the other foot...

When you married him you accepted this situation. You probably couldn't see it at the time, but no situation is different, no matter who's household it is. You are going to have to deal with this for the rest of your life.

Now here is something that you could do....

1. Don't let it bother you; she will never change and the situation will never change unless you divorce and move VERY far away (of course your children will suffer because they will never see their dad, but you will be happy of course), but if you don't let it bother you you will feel much better.

2. Keep your personal life private from the kids. Set ground rules for all the kids and post them on the fridge. Place block on the T.V.; your house, your standard..:-)

3. When the ex calls thank her for her opinion and try your best, even if it burns, to hold a nice conversation until she gets so sick that she hangs up.

4. Ask her opinion on things even though you could care less. Tell her you would like to be an help, not a hindrance...

5' Lastly, remember that you can be dead right about things, but it doesn't change the situation..:-)

Just a little of my opinion and I hopes it helps a little...

Charlene - posted on 08/14/2009

I had the same problem I am engaged and my fiance has two children 13 & 9 and I have a 9 yr old daughter. At first their mom would always start trouble becuase the kids would go back and say this or that and she would call demanding things. I told my fiance his ex can not run our household so if she doesn't like the way I run this household then she does not have to send the kids. My finace totally agreed. We also had a family meeting and basically told the kids we can not have distubance in our home and what happens in our house needs to stay in our house or they are going to be in a lot of trouble. A lot of it has to do with the ex's being jealous of your relationship. Don't let her ruin your new family. I have learned to ignore the stupid stuff and eventually the kids will realize that you are not a bad person, especially if you do not treat them any different than you treat your own child. You and your man need to stick together on this and eventually she will realize that you are going to stand your ground. The kids won't be kids for ever and they will soon develope their own opinions no matter what their motehr says.

Sara - posted on 08/13/2009

With the start of our marriage we both came into it with children and baby mamas/daddies, this is what I call them because at the time they were both acting like they had no sense...My stepdaughters mother was telling us when and where my husband would see his daughter and would also tell him that I couldn't be around her...Then she started this business of complaing when my stepdaughter would go home and she'd be in different clothes or different hairstyle, very very petty things...What would make me so angry is that my husband would do whatever she wanted and I'd have to just take it, because he didn't want to create any waves because he wanted to be able to see his daughter...It also happened to us all the arguing and phone calls, emails, it was a very crazy time...Finally I told my husband I had enough and I told him the things that I wanted to change and the things that I was not going to put with and as a family was unfair to us...I also told my stepdaughters mother that I love my stepdaughter as if she was my own and I fully understand that I am not her mother and would never try and take her place, but on the same token if she wanted me to love her daughter and treat her the way I'd treat my own daughter, then that was going to include disciplining...

Being a step-parent is probably one of the hardest jobs that I've ever had, but also one of the most rewarding...No one ever told me how many ups and downs there would be in the step-parenting world, lol...The thing that makes it easier for us, is to be able to communicate like adults, compromise, but also not get taken advantage of...Good luck to you and your family!!! I'm here if you ever want to chat :)

Sonya - posted on 08/13/2009

(((Barby)))) (virtual hugs)

Honey, I would suggest that you get some counseling yourself (alone) and then that your family get counseling. It seriously sounds like your husband needs to learn how to "man up" (as we say in America).

I'm far from perfect as well. At some point, we all have to admit what we have brought to the situation and what we do to either a) make it better or b) make it worse.

I would suggest you read a very small, short, and easy to read book called For Women Only by Shaunti Feldham. ( http://www.shaunti.com/BooksStudies/ForW... ) This book discusses how to communicate with men in a way that can revolutionize your marriage. If you are able to communicate and support your husband in a positive way (and obviously in a way that is completely opposite to the way his XW treats him), then he might slowly come around to seeing things your way. This will be very difficult to do...especially concerning your kids. I think that you should try things completely differently than you have tried them in the past.

Completely step back and allow your husband to become the man that he is. Support him, encourage him, and love him as if he is your "dream man." Don't nag or repeat things. Allow him to do things "on his own time", even if it doesn't mesh with yours. By asking him to do something, waiting, asking again, and then doing it yourself, you are conveying to him that you don't have the confidence that he can/will do what you asked. Ask him and then try to forget about it. If it's something on a short timetable, then say something like, "I need you to take out the trash before X time. If you don't, it will sit in the garage until the next trash day. Thanks, honey. :) " Then stick by your guns and allow the negative consequences to happen.

If he allows her into your marriage, decide what consequences that will have. Then, discuss those feelings and consequences. For example, I tell my husband that if he's so stressed about the XW that he brings her with him into the bedroom, he needs to find another place to sleep for the night. This doesn't mean that I don't love him. This doesn't mean that I am angry. It simply means that I will not allow someone who is NOT in my marriage to control my marriage.

We cannot control the actions, decisions, or feelings of others. We can only control our reaction to them. So, decide that NO MATTER WHAT, this woman is not going to get to you. If you are a Christian or have other religious beliefs, I would also suggest praying/meditating/whatever your beliefs say do for this woman. I was amazed how much less power she had over our home when I had prayed for her. I prayed very specifically that she would be blessed so much that she could attribute it to nothing other than God.

Basically, no one in this situation has boundaries and it's up to you to establish them. Read the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It's a great book and will help a LOT (although it can get very dry). At some point, everyone has to be held to some sort of consequences for their actions. You need to set standards that the kids need to obey and then just let the rain fall. Let her get upset and yell. When nothing is done differently (you don't cave) she'll mostly likely cool it for a while, gather strength and try again. Just know this and figure out how you will deal with it.

HTH! Stick to your guns!

Barby - posted on 08/13/2009

Quoting Sonya:

I'm very afraid that you and your husband are putting your stepkids into a position of authority. This is an issue that needs to be dealt with between you and your husband. Kids feel safe and loved when there are clear and firm boundaries. The stepkids are pulling all their stunts because they can.

I'm sorry to say this, but some major tough love is needed in this situation. Your husband needs to decide between you and the XW. (I had to have the same discussion with my husband). When he treats you like he has been, then he is allowing his XW to have a place in the home that belongs to you and him.

At least in the US, rules in our house cannot be challenged (legally) by the other home...save for not meeting basic needs, as already mentioned.

What might work best is for you and hubby to meet with an attorney to find out what he can/cannot do and say in this situation. When my husband and I did that..it was amazing how much power my husband suddenly had over the situation.

My thoughts are with you and I hope that you can restore the balance of power in your home. Right now, the stepkids and Xwife have it all.

wow that's pretty much the same thing i've said to my hubby! except the lawyer part which is a good idea.

she has had more say in my house than i have for a long time. i told him if he wanted to put her 1st he could go back to her & i would bow out. there aren't three of us in out bed at night but it has felt that way. he's afraid to say anything much to her because she has the custody etc. of the kids. and she is nasty, all the woman in her family have complete control over their husbands! he even took the kids to a birthday party they didnt want to do to to prevent his ex sister in law from calling him to b*tch! (he's never done anything i wanted him to unless he wanted to do it. so i ask him then wait & wait then i do it myself) 

i haven't been perfect here i have to say i have given him major hell for letting her behave this way. there have been many arguements over the years. it has been our biggest issue. i have felt ignored in favor of obliging the "beast" & i let him know how i feel, but it has largely fallen on sympathetic but deaf ears. he loves me but we have to be the "bigger" people. i dont think "bigger" people let others figuratively waltz into their homes and throw their weight around. there has to be a line she can't cross.

my husband is very carefull never to criticise her in front of the kids because in canada it's illigal (parental alienation) but his kids have told me that she has critcised not only everything the kids tell her i do but also my parenting for my son. im sure she's breaking a law by encouraging her kids to disrespect my privacy & she is very forward with her negative oppinions over whatever she hears about me. she has been tha source of a familial rift from the beginning. it's been very hard to try to bind our family with her constantly calling on mondays to yell at my man for whatever she thinks i did.

if i had it to do again i would have run for the hills in the beginning as soon as i saw what she was up to -but i never thought she wouldn't move on!

thank-you for your advice, it means a lot to me that other people see things as i do! it gets to you after awhile when you've been told repeatedly that you're wrong...

Barby - posted on 08/13/2009

Quoting Brandee:

I can understand abt hubby warming up. And may I ask why you are appologizing to SD abt not staying there? Geez, as much as we love the Step children, doesn't it SUCK having to deal with the ex's?! Ugh! Enjoy your day at the water park! My man took his kids to Idaho (we live in NY) to see his parents for vaca. (They go every yr) Sadly, I cldn't get the time off wrk to go. We were planning on a wkend trip with my kids Labor Day Wkend, but, I now have a broken heel bone. (That I've had for a month and half and they just found it!) So, our plans may be limited. :( Sry to get off topic, just needed a min to let some out..lol.

well she really shouldn't have stayed home because of the drama her brother caused. she likes being here & she &i have a pretty good relationship (i think ;)

her brother has been a bit of a cramp in her style over the years. she comes here & complains ot me often how he treats her (he's 11 she's almost 14) & he gets away with it (though he's been grounded more often than not over the years but i don't know why)i try to make carefull suggestions without overstepping boundaries.

sorry you're missing out! maybe it's the powers that be interviening so you really can put up you're foot, it's pretty hard to do when everyone wants to see you & you need to cater to your family. but just think, you have a whole weekend where you dont have to be mom! id be calling my neglected girlfriends & asking them to bring The Captain over for a visit! play some cards, watch some movies your family wouldn't be interested in- stricktly girl stuff. catch up with your girls n dish!

good luck :D 

Sonya - posted on 08/12/2009

I'm very afraid that you and your husband are putting your stepkids into a position of authority. This is an issue that needs to be dealt with between you and your husband. Kids feel safe and loved when there are clear and firm boundaries. The stepkids are pulling all their stunts because they can.

I'm sorry to say this, but some major tough love is needed in this situation. Your husband needs to decide between you and the XW. (I had to have the same discussion with my husband). When he treats you like he has been, then he is allowing his XW to have a place in the home that belongs to you and him.

At least in the US, rules in our house cannot be challenged (legally) by the other home...save for not meeting basic needs, as already mentioned.

What might work best is for you and hubby to meet with an attorney to find out what he can/cannot do and say in this situation. When my husband and I did that..it was amazing how much power my husband suddenly had over the situation.

My thoughts are with you and I hope that you can restore the balance of power in your home. Right now, the stepkids and Xwife have it all.

Brandee - posted on 08/12/2009

I can understand abt hubby warming up. And may I ask why you are appologizing to SD abt not staying there? Geez, as much as we love the Step children, doesn't it SUCK having to deal with the ex's?! Ugh! Enjoy your day at the water park! My man took his kids to Idaho (we live in NY) to see his parents for vaca. (They go every yr) Sadly, I cldn't get the time off wrk to go. We were planning on a wkend trip with my kids Labor Day Wkend, but, I now have a broken heel bone. (That I've had for a month and half and they just found it!) So, our plans may be limited. :( Sry to get off topic, just needed a min to let some out..lol.

Barby - posted on 08/12/2009

Quoting Brandee:

I think it wld be good if maybe u cld have all kids and hubby have a family meeting. (Pow-wow, lol) This way everyone can get their feelings out and there will be no he said, she said..Let hubby hear first hand how kids feel. And allow hubby to hear all said between you and his kids so she (Ex) can't twsit things to him after the fect. (If it gets discussed between her and kids) I too, know as a woman, how spiteful we (as women) can be. I too have had my share of dealing with the ex and things getting twisted. Thankfully, my man (Not yet married, but might as well be, lol) has stood by my side. And he's always done it because he stands side by side with me on our thoughts, views and opinions. Not just because we are together. And he is very involved with her family..sibling in-laws, neices, nephews, etc. It is very difficult for me at times to be around them and esp the ex. But, I am there for the kids. The ex and I keep our distance. (It actually became semi physical between us once!) Just hold your head high, stand up for what u believe is right! And again, I think the fam pow-wow is a great idea!

i truely appreciate your support & outside oppinion! thank-you!

we can't have my hubby involved unfortunately (not yet) he goes into pannick mode (over the threat of x circumstances) and starts denying things for the kids. he didnt DO that! for example when we all know he DID kick his brother, we all saw.

so for now, while he's warming up to everything, we'll leave that alone.

so it'll be me & the three oldest. we'll take the 2 & 1 year old to the water park and talk while the babies play.

though i dont know how to start. probably by appologising to my step daughter for the circumstances leading to her staying at her moms when she was supposed to be here 

Barby - posted on 08/12/2009

Quoting Heather:

you are doing nothing wrong in the way you have been handling things.. as for your step-son he knows he can get away with it, because all he has to do is run home and tell his "mommy" you are being mean. your husband needs to stand up to her and tell her she doesnt live in your house therefore it is none of her business what goes on there. your husband needs to support you and stand up for you and your kids. I know what you are going through because i had to deal with a situation like yours for about 4 years until i told my husband he needed to stand up and take control. i hope this helps just remember to keep your head up and dont let her or her children bully you it is your house your rules!!!!

i really appreciate your oppinion, thanks so much!

my hubby didnt used to support me (it was easier to hurt my feelings then fight with her)

but he has recently told her what happens here stays here unless the kids arent having their basic needs met, he said he didnt want to hear it! yay my guy!

i have told him repeadedly that we need to nurture our relationship if we want it to last. i'm not paying for her mistakes (anymore).

i wonder how her fiance would feel if he ever figured out that the route of her spite is regret over loosing my guy? for his sake i hope he never finds out!

Brandee - posted on 08/12/2009

I think it wld be good if maybe u cld have all kids and hubby have a family meeting. (Pow-wow, lol) This way everyone can get their feelings out and there will be no he said, she said..Let hubby hear first hand how kids feel. And allow hubby to hear all said between you and his kids so she (Ex) can't twsit things to him after the fect. (If it gets discussed between her and kids) I too, know as a woman, how spiteful we (as women) can be. I too have had my share of dealing with the ex and things getting twisted. Thankfully, my man (Not yet married, but might as well be, lol) has stood by my side. And he's always done it because he stands side by side with me on our thoughts, views and opinions. Not just because we are together. And he is very involved with her family..sibling in-laws, neices, nephews, etc. It is very difficult for me at times to be around them and esp the ex. But, I am there for the kids. The ex and I keep our distance. (It actually became semi physical between us once!) Just hold your head high, stand up for what u believe is right! And again, I think the fam pow-wow is a great idea!

Heather - posted on 08/12/2009

you are doing nothing wrong in the way you have been handling things.. as for your step-son he knows he can get away with it, because all he has to do is run home and tell his "mommy" you are being mean. your husband needs to stand up to her and tell her she doesnt live in your house therefore it is none of her business what goes on there. your husband needs to support you and stand up for you and your kids. I know what you are going through because i had to deal with a situation like yours for about 4 years until i told my husband he needed to stand up and take control. i hope this helps just remember to keep your head up and dont let her or her children bully you it is your house your rules!!!!

Barby - posted on 08/12/2009

Quoting Brandee:

Oh, sadly, i don't think her re-marrying will make a diff. Do they have a crt order for visitation? I'm not sure what state u live in or how it wrks, but typically, with a crt order, she can't not let him see his kids. Or, if she doesn't, he can take her to crt for violation. I know, no-one likes to go through all that, but maybe it's needed?! Trust me (Hard to trust someone u don't know, I'm sure, lol) but PLS trust that u r not the crazy one! I'm sure he wants to see them, but,what kind of ppl will they become if they learn now how to be manipulative to get their own way?! They are kids, of crse they don't want to come over if there are rules,etc..but that's life! Will she not send them to school because they don't want to go?! I'm sure the teacher's make rules, and they need to follow them. Life is long fulfilled with lessons. Many of which we learn at a very young age. Sadly, for childrend and adults, we all have rules to follow! I have to wear my seat belt, state law, I hate it, but I do it...She needs to stop allowing the kids to tell her what they will and won't do..and/or stop dis-allowing hubby visistaion because they "don't want to go" because you have rules for your home!

I live on the western coast in, Vancouver Island, Canada.

i said the same thing about the rules. people have to be accountable or they go out into society, break laws, & deal with police etc. (then i got in big trouble for saying the kids would end up in jail, i NEVER said that) when hubby & i were hanging out in the beggining we saw her at the beach. she asked me if we were sleeping together. shows where her concerns are.

she acts like i took her man, she's spiteful & they were separated long before i came around!

my guy doesn't agree but im a woman & i know how (most) work.

i thought we could communicate over the comp, talk about how things are going, what the kids need etc. (my goal was to be able to be around eachother at family events) she just started attacking me. i thought she'd get it out of her system so i played. every crappy scinario she had heard (from the kids) i explained, i thought it would clear the air. boy was i wrong! she just kept attacking & said she didnt think my 2 younger kids should exist cause my man shouldve been fixed after her 2 & she didnt care about our 3 as long as "their" 2 were taken care of.

i realized she wasnt going to get over anything so i told her to stop contacting me completely. she had also been telling my man about her version of our conversations. she was so full of conviction that her comments were warrented that she printed off copies of our emails & gave them to my hubby. there it was in black n white her saying all those awful things & i did nothihng but try to explain what happened & fill in the gaps that kids either dont know about or forget. then i told her to FRO when she started attacking my children.

whatever, im still the bad guy. her anger will eat her up. i just need to figure out how to deal with my step son. im going to have to talk to him.

i was thinking of having my 10 year old, him & his sister there. call it a family pow-wow. (that way i'll have whitnesses) plus the older kids have gotten pretty close & they will have their feelings about what has happened. what do you think? 

Brandee - posted on 08/11/2009

Oh, sadly, i don't think her re-marrying will make a diff. Do they have a crt order for visitation? I'm not sure what state u live in or how it wrks, but typically, with a crt order, she can't not let him see his kids. Or, if she doesn't, he can take her to crt for violation. I know, no-one likes to go through all that, but maybe it's needed?! Trust me (Hard to trust someone u don't know, I'm sure, lol) but PLS trust that u r not the crazy one! I'm sure he wants to see them, but,what kind of ppl will they become if they learn now how to be manipulative to get their own way?! They are kids, of crse they don't want to come over if there are rules,etc..but that's life! Will she not send them to school because they don't want to go?! I'm sure the teacher's make rules, and they need to follow them. Life is long fulfilled with lessons. Many of which we learn at a very young age. Sadly, for childrend and adults, we all have rules to follow! I have to wear my seat belt, state law, I hate it, but I do it...She needs to stop allowing the kids to tell her what they will and won't do..and/or stop dis-allowing hubby visistaion because they "don't want to go" because you have rules for your home!

Barby - posted on 08/11/2009

Quoting Brandee:

Oh, that is so sad! Does he realize how that made your son feel? I would let him know, in no uncertain terms, unlike his ex, you want him to be a part of your son's life! And blending families is tough, but fairness and equality between the kids is important! At least as much as you can control. There will always be diff between the other households, but, you (both) have control of your household. And here too, gifts are bought from his kids by the ex. I still make it a point to have all the kids sign his card and when possible, I have each of them (his and mine) pick out a gift from them each seperate to give to him. The ex may put her 2 cents in, but that doesn't mean you gotta spend it or take it to the bank. That's you home and you have every right to decide how to handle things! And hubby really needs to see how he is making all the kids feel too! Your poor little guy..And although it wasn't a + for his kids to have to feel the way they did, on a + side, at least they have compassion! Kudos for that!

thanks Brandee! sometimes i wonder if i really am out to lunch i needed to hear im not the crazy one!my man is so insecure because all his kids have to do is say they dont want to come over & thats it, they dont come.

so he's been bending over backwards to try to avoid giving them consequences when needed even going so far as to tell me what i saw wasnt what happened because he doesnt want to be "told on" & have his x call & raise hell.

it's been difficult and largly unfair (a word id rather avoid) to my son who's caught more than his fair share of negativity. my son and i have an open/strong relationship thank goodness where we could talk between us about whatever happened, we vent to eachother & come to our own conclusions.

i have been advocating for our family to behave as a unit, taking care of eachother & concidering eachother's feelings (as my mother did for us) the x has been very negative the whole way through. maybe when she re-marries she'll not care so much.

Brandee - posted on 08/11/2009

Oh, that is so sad! Does he realize how that made your son feel? I would let him know, in no uncertain terms, unlike his ex, you want him to be a part of your son's life! And blending families is tough, but fairness and equality between the kids is important! At least as much as you can control. There will always be diff between the other households, but, you (both) have control of your household. And here too, gifts are bought from his kids by the ex. I still make it a point to have all the kids sign his card and when possible, I have each of them (his and mine) pick out a gift from them each seperate to give to him. The ex may put her 2 cents in, but that doesn't mean you gotta spend it or take it to the bank. That's you home and you have every right to decide how to handle things! And hubby really needs to see how he is making all the kids feel too! Your poor little guy..And although it wasn't a + for his kids to have to feel the way they did, on a + side, at least they have compassion! Kudos for that!

Barby - posted on 08/11/2009

Quoting Brandee:

I think too, hubby needs to stand his ground! And, what happened between you 2 abt the way he treat (ed) your son?! As far as the ex-wife, I'm sure it may be hard for her to deal with another woman being involved in her kids' lives, but, it's been 6 yrs now! You are more than entitled to make rules in your home. And sounding as if they are fair across the board between your son and his kids, she just has to deal with it. Would she have the same reaction if she had taken her kids to the home of a friend of hers and the friend reacted the same way you did? I know it's tough, but hopefully you will find a way through it!

it was hubby's birthday & my son & i went all over town looking for the perfect gift (as usual). We got him a Harley Davidson Hog bank Shaped like a gas tank & i got gold paint & put our "at home" kids names on it (i was told before i was over stepping boundaries always trying to include them. they bring there own gifts)

you know what kids look like while anticipating someone opening a gift? my son was no exception. anyways my hubby opened it, looked at it and put it down saying thanks.

his kids brought a key chain that you can download pictures into ($10 if it doesn't come free on a 26 of alcohol a perfectly acceptable gift from children though)

when he opened that he got all excited and ooohhed & ahhhhed (like you're supposed to) anyways i saw my son's eyes drop in sadness/dissapointment a the reaction he got for his gift then his step siblings were pretty embarassed over the reaction they got as they were very aware of their father's reaction to the 1st gift.

it was uncomfortable for everyone. i was so hurt for my son & well aware of the discomfort of all the children not knwing how to (or if i could) handle it i went quietly into the bathroom and tried to suck up my tears with tissue. I may have been tired that day, or just wondering how someone can be such a dink to a child)

he's not all bad, but he definately needs to smarten up!

Brandee - posted on 08/11/2009

I think too, hubby needs to stand his ground! And, what happened between you 2 abt the way he treat (ed) your son?! As far as the ex-wife, I'm sure it may be hard for her to deal with another woman being involved in her kids' lives, but, it's been 6 yrs now! You are more than entitled to make rules in your home. And sounding as if they are fair across the board between your son and his kids, she just has to deal with it. Would she have the same reaction if she had taken her kids to the home of a friend of hers and the friend reacted the same way you did? I know it's tough, but hopefully you will find a way through it!

Jodi - posted on 08/11/2009

Okay, your husband needs to step out of the argument. I know she makes the phone calls, and yells at him, but he needs to have a standard response and not argue. They are our house rules, full stop, no discussion. There is absolutely no need to get into an argument with this woman about it. Your house rules are really none of her business (obviously as long as they are reasonable and don't include any sort of abuse or harm to the children). Your step son is playing them off against each other, and the minute this stops, and you guys stop arguing back, he will stop doing it. So your hubby just needs to not get sucked into arguing with her.