Stepfather-child relationship

Gennie - posted on 09/21/2009

I'm an expert at that. LOL. I went through the same thing there. Honestly? It works both ways and you have to be willing to stand up for both of them. Try talking to your child and finding out why they feel the way they do towards your boyfriend. With mine, They just needed to know that I would stand up to their stepdad for them but back him up when he was right. I just don't give and inch when any of them are in the wrong and when it's the child that is acting up I'm a firm believer in taking the things they love the most until the get right. LOL. Good luck with it.

Kelli Jo - posted on 09/20/2009

For starters, he definately needs to make your son feel like he's important and that he is interested in doing things with him... you need to find something that they can bond over. Fishing? Camping? Skateboards?? Anything... just give it a shot...

Rachel - posted on 09/19/2009

He needs to find a common ground something they can do together w/o you, like fishing, or guy type things to get him to open up.

Lila - posted on 09/19/2009

it will take some time i have been with my bf for almost 8 yrs. & i have 2 girls that he now calls his own thay never see there (sperm doner) my girls words. the first few yrs. were very hard thay thought he would leave them 2 he has 3kids of his own 1 we see the other 2we dont not by our choice. my girls now love him he is there dad and dont tell them he is not or there will be trouble thay all love each other very mutch it just took a little time good luck i hope every thing works out! we are now a happy family

Tara - posted on 09/18/2009

After reading further down, I see that my family and your family are very similar in situations. My husband raised his daughter by himself until we married so it has always been him and her until she was 10. She's 12 now, and things have improved, but I've just about come to the conclusion that they are always going to be up and down. So if you find some helpful info let me know too, other than what we've been trying that sorta works.

Tara - posted on 09/18/2009

You will be the main priority in this situation. I'm a stepmom to a 12 year old who did and still does sometimes do the same thing to me. I had some much trouble at first with her being very disrespectful, mean, and disobeying. Plus she lied all the time. It was awful. I was at my wits end, and finally I told my husband he was going to have to do something because I just didn't know what to do, she hated me and I just couldn't bond with her at all. He had a major talk with her. We worked together on her punishments for things like lying and being disrespectful. And the main thing was that she finally grew to understand that I was one of her parents, that I could punish her for bad things just like her dad. If your boyfriends a major presence in your sons life then you both need to work together on your sons behavior towards him.

Stacy - posted on 09/17/2009

Since both behavior and bonding are a problem, I would try a point system with a chore and behavior chart. I used one with my kids, including my stepson, that I found on www.goalforit.com. You can use rewards such as fishing with your boyfriend, or a day at chuck e cheese, or something else they would both enjoy together. When your son behaves, and does his homework, and chores, he will earn points where he'll pick the activity and begin to see spending time with him as a reward.It's helped me build a stronger relationship with all of my kids. Also, since your son is old enough to understand, I would suggest having a talk with him and explaining that he is an important part of both of your lives. If you think the issue your son's having has to do with his biological father, I would try talking to him as well and getting him on board. Good luck and God Bless!

Connie - posted on 09/17/2009

Dont put your boyfriend in a position of discipline or setting rules. Iam a stepmom to 3 and if they are doing something wrong I go get my husband and let him deal with it. I only intervine if someone can get hurt. I feel like my job with them is to help them feel wanted and welcome in our home. I let my husband and his ex make all the decisions about raising their kids. Have your boyfriend take your son for a day of nothing but fun.

Diane - posted on 09/17/2009

Thank you everyone, so here's alittle further on the situation. I've been a single parent since before he was born. his bio dad has never seen him. So it was just hunter and I until he was 7. this is the first man I've dated that he has gotten to know, because I didn't want people coming in and out of his life. This has made him very protective of his time with me. After all this time, he's doing better with my boyfriend and loves him. We've lived together for 2 years and have plans of marrying in the future.

I've spoken to my son about being respectful and listening to him but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. They have spent alot of time together this summer because of my bf being laid off, so he took his turn as a stay at home dad. Some times it seems to have really helped and other times not. Its gotten to the point where I'm taking offense at everything my bf says about my son and its causing alot of arguements....any suggestions?

Mimi - posted on 09/17/2009

everyone's responses are good but i'm wondering what you're doing to help. my son knows to respect and listen to my husband because i, as his mother, told him that is the right thing to do. he is my child and i am responsible for teaching him respect and right from wrong. if you and your bf have been together for 3 years, how have things been all along? have you asked your son why he doesn't listen to your bf? your son needs to know that he si the child, you and your bf are the adults and you expect and demand respect from your child. it is your job to teach him that, not your bf.

Heidi - posted on 09/17/2009

Well from personal experience I have found that my husband has never had that issue, because we got married when my 10 year old wasn't even 2 yet. My husband has always treated him as his own. They do things together like golfing, playing catch, he would take him to football practice when I couldn't, they enjoy the some of the same shows, guy stuff. I think its important for your boyfriend, to show interest in things your son likes, and to try and get him interested in things he likes as well. Maybe every so often you should go out and do something on your own and leave the 2 of them to do there own guy thing. Is your sons bio dad in the picture, because if that is the case it may a little bit harder because the bio dad could be influencing the whole situation. I know my ex doesn't and won't let my son call my husband dad in front of him. He says Joe is not your dad I am. My son calls and my husband dad and his bio dad daddy, and has done so since he was 4. It was his choice to do so, and I have never told him he was not allowed to call my husband dad. My husband is more of a father figure in my sons life, then his bio dad. My son sees his bio dad 2 or 3 times a year(pathetic) but that is what the bio dad chooses to do. I think any man can be a father but it takes a real man to be a dad. Its a name that is and should be respected. So to get to the point of your son respecting your boyfriend, take it step by step each day. In time it should get better. Give them the opportunity to have time for just the 2 of them and see where things go. You may be surprised how things will change when they are put in a situation where its just the 2 of them. Give it time and be sure to talk to your boyfriend, and your son.

Betty - posted on 09/16/2009

Maybe if he shows interests in things that your son cares about that would help. My dad would be so interested in whatever it was I cared about and I love him for it now and can see he made a huge effort to be a great dad. Even if your son is into video games and nothing more, he can take him to the video game store or challenge him to a game or two on the wii.