Stepkids are intolerable... please help... I usually love kids!

Nena - posted on 07/26/2009

Whoa this sounds a little serious! You are saying that you cannot stand your stepkids because of all the bad that comes from negligent adults? In my opinion that is not a fair statement! We all know that when we are going into a relationship with someone who already has kids, they will be part of our lives! I think that you are blaming the kids for having lice, not knowing how to brush their teeth, etc...but in all reality they are just a product of their environment!
I married into 3 girls and let me tell you it was no walk in the park! I am the baby of my family and have always been spoiled so some members of my family were WAY against my new relationship because of the kids. What I have always said to EVERYONE is that it is not the childrens for adult problems! I have always treated my stepdaughters as if they were my own without stepping on their mom's toes. When I became pregnant myself our oldest daughter was so angry and had at one point said to my husband,"Dad I just wanted to grab a knife and stab Nena in the stomach to kill her and the baby in her belly!' Dude, this coming from an 11 yr olds mouth? I was mortified and had to question her sanity! We found out that she was being told by her mother that their dad would no longer love them once the new baby came...very sad mind games that adults play on their children!
Once my son was born I noticed that all 3 girls loved having a little brother and things were good! I always had the battle of teaching my gorls to brush their teeth in the am and the pm and to wash their hands after going bathroom! It was like every other week they would revert to their old habits from their moms house. Here I was a twentysomething in my first marriage and just having my first childbirth, trying to balance everything! It was not easy but it was never the stepkids fault!
I have found it more difficukt for my girls that are now 12, 17 and 21 to follow our simple house rules without being reminded. This is only because they have 2 sets of house rules: the rules we at our house set and the rules set by their mother and stepfather! It can get very frustrating but I just hope you can dig deep and realize that it is not the childs fault! I have been more of a mother to our 21 year old than her real mother but just this year, at the wise age of 21 have had to be more than stern with her and ask her to leave my home for lack of respect toward the whole family! She has lived with my hubby and I since 7th grade and we bumped heads here and there when she was in high school but I was always there for her. It is now that she is away at University and comes home during summer vacation that we have had the most trouble!
Do I hate her? NO way man! She is just being a jerk right now and will realize it later in life!
My general rule is IF I WOULDN'T TOLERATE IT FROM MY OWN BIRTH CHILD I WILL NOT TOLERATE IT FROM ANY OTHER CHILD!
That is how I takek things on in this rollercoaster ride I like to call life!
I know that it can become overbearing at times...trust me I know! I have had my sons life threatened by the ex wife and the law had to step in at one point. The lady hates my guts and bad mouths me every chance she gets but I will not ever stoop to her level. There is enough hate in this world man so why do that to our kids? I encourage our daughters to love their mother and tell them to just ignore the negative comments she makes toward us here. It seems to me that you need to take those kids out of an environment that will allow a man/woman to cause physical and psychological harm to these kids you are starting to resent! I am in no way blaming you or saying that you are a bad person...no way! Just ahve patience and try to remember that they have 2 households...one with you which seems to be orderly and healthy and another which ony they know what happens! I would continue to involve DOCS man! It sounds pretty severe! Take pictures of the kids when you get them to show their teeth before and after! It sounds dumb but a picture is worth a million words!
Dude I could go on forever and tell you some of the more horrible things I have gone through as a stepmom but nah! LOL
Please feel free to contact me with any quetions/comments or just to tell me that I'm a dork! :)
Good luck and remember it is not the childs fault!

Shannon - posted on 07/25/2009

When you say NEITHER parent has sought further advice, I am assuming you mean your husband is one of those parents. You cannot control what happens in the ex's home, but you should have some say in what goes on in your home with your husband's decisions regarding the stepkids. So many people would say it's not your place to intervene in any situation involving the kids and their biological parents, but I completely disagree. When your husband married you, he basically said he believes you will continue your life as a good wife and mother. You cannot stand back and let your husband ignore his responsibilities as a father to those children and a husband to you. As far as I know, most divorce decrees and child custody arrangements allow for both parents making important medical decisions regarding the children when necessary. If it is necessary for your husband to take the children to the doctor to find out what can be done for them, then he needs to do it. If he doesn't do it, have him provide you with a signed letter stating that you have his full permission to have the children examined by a medical doctor. You can do a lot more than you think. If you and your husband let the problems go on without doing what you can to help them, you are accessories to the abuse and neglect. If your stepkids had no idea what vegetables were, your husband had a little something to do with that if he had any contact with them prior to meeting you. Children do deserve the best start, and your stepkids obviously have not had that. All you can do is try to make things better in the future for them. If your husband does not want to do his part teaching them, maybe you should have a few nights out so he can see firsthand what it's like to care for the children in their current states. That might be a good indicator as to whether or not you would want to have your own children with this man. It's easy to always blame the ex for everything (I do totally agree that the woman should not be allowed to have children), but your husband has allowed this to go on for how long? You need to keep a journal regarding every little detail about the problems you have with the stepkids and their stepmother. If they have lice, write down every detail. If they have a strange bruise, take a pic and write down every detail. Then you will have good evidence to show child protective services next time you need to call them. There is no easy way out with your problem. You have to be a strong woman, and I wish you the best of luck. (The journaling will help you to get out what's in your head so it does not build up.)

Betty - posted on 07/25/2009

As great as it is that you are puting forth sutch an effot to be a good step mom just remember that a sane mom is a good mom and give yourself time to relax and feel sane again. Just remember to have some time for you set aside while the kids are visiting. Make DH go somewhere with them so you have time to relax in your own home. Go out with your friends, go shopping, get a massage, or just take a very long shower. Reading a book might help and most kids will leave you alone while you read for some odd reason.

Mindy - posted on 07/24/2009

This may sounds crazy but have you ever watched super nanny? I was a nanny for years and now i am a step mom... Her techniques really do work! Kids need boundaries and expectations.... set up a schedule, stick to it, make sure there is time set aside for YOU... not bills or dishes or chores but for YOU! Give yourself some space to take care of yourself cause a happy person can be a happy mommy and vis versa!

Get rid of counting.... it never works. Tell the child, on their level, "this is what I want you to do, if you don't do it you will sit in the naughty chair" then follow through. If they get out of the chair, pick them up and put them back in and tell them to sit their... (one min for every year) If it happens more than twice then you can stop talking all together just put them back. It may take hours at first but they will eventually get it and stay there but you have to be consistent and gentle.

Also kids crave attention and I have found that a lot of acting out is because they are trying to get attention.... I taught my step daughter right up front to know when she needed attention and to ask for it or to ask us to do something with her. It's hard to listen all the time to the pleas of her heart but because we have she has gotten so good at telling us what she needs. She would come up to me (she's 6) and say "can I have some attention now?" It was really cute! If I ignored her and put her off it would take about 15 min for her to start acting out and making me mad and then it was a struggle all day or evening long!

Raising kids is hard! :) They demand so much attention and are so insecure. Especially kids that have gone through custody and fighting parents and so on. With work and time and energy it can and will get better. The first few months were horrible and stressful on a new relationship! Take time for you and your sweetie too! :)

Lisa - posted on 07/24/2009

Unfortunately I have no good advice besides being patient because I am going through much the same. They have no respect for anyone in the house. Manners are shot, common courtesy, talking back, challenging our authority..... I at least know where it is coming from. They were both abused by their biological mom and her boyfriend. My step-daughter has ADD and she is bi-polar on top of that but nothing has been diagnosed in my step-son. He is full of anger and takes it out on everyone. I know that aside from counseling, which they both need, patience is going to have to be my friend for awhile. Good luck to you! I feel your pain........

Stephanie - posted on 07/23/2009

Love them. There lack of respect comes from the situation. Just do your best to show them the right path. Which they ultimately take is up to them, but you can show them there is a better way. Be patient and kind. Sometimes for feelings for the BM is the reason you feel the way you do. Be sure you are seperating the two. Just keep loving them and showing them things can be better.

Robyn - posted on 07/23/2009

Try not to blame the kids, they are a product of their parents. I'm a step-parent so I know and each time my husbands ex messes up his child was sent to us. she would be angry, resentful and not to mention lazy, no manners etc.... I had to stop being mad at her for her parents doing. continue to follow up with (DOCS) until some one listens. You are there only hope for a good life.

Leilani - posted on 07/21/2009

Ooohh Kylie I completely understand what you're going through...it can be sooo very frustrating and draining to be in this kind of situation. Unfortunately mental/emotional/neglect child abuse is difficult to prove so nothing usually becomes of it, and because they're not biologically yours you really can't do much.



This is what helped me...try to use your energy in a positive way...to help teach these children the things they're missing...understand that you are a special gift to them as Jesus was a gift (teacher) to us...do hands-on activities with them to enhance their coginition and self-confidence...praise them and help them feel proud of their accomplishments so matter how small...talk with them as a friend while you're doing things with them it helps you understand them better. If you need help or ideas look for information in books/on-line etc...I taught pre-school and had many kinds of activities I could do...but something as simple as cooking works well...making cookies, brownies, ice cream sandwiches is fun, and they can actually eat their masterpiece. I know its difficult but be patient and understanding of their needs and situation...appreciate your importance in their lives and always take some time for yourself to replenish the energy you drain.



This really helped me and my stepkids...I was able to tolerate them as I learned a lot about their pain and struggle with their mom the stress she puts them through and so much more...it was kind of like therapy for them to feel comfortable enough to let it out...I always played a neutral party and just supported their feelings and frustration...I reasured them they are safe here and can talk to me whenever they need to...they can't wait now for visits and vacations and love coming here...especially because they get away from their mother's stress...hang in there

Bonnie - posted on 07/21/2009

You do not sound pathetic - you sound like you are dealing with a situation that would overwhelm anybody! It is really difficult for kids and especally kids with special needs to convert from one household to another. there is an adjustment period that may take longer than the children even have to stay at your house. I think if you could get full custody of the kids then you could get them tested and either on meds or in counseling or both. It is very sad to feel bitter resentment toward children but it is also very normal - the grown up thng is not to show it to them. Remind yourself that anyone would be at wits end and your biggest job is to touch them lovngly as you pull the lice from their heads and leave the house when you know you're about to lose it (dad should be aware that you need a bit of time away for everybody's best interests). You have been handed a huge responsbility and opportunity to make a positve difference in the lives of two very challenging children and you may or may not be up to it. Remember too that love is an action verb not a feeling. You don't have to love them to love them. Above all TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF because if you don't get what you need to be sane you will surely fail yourself and them. PS don't tell your husband you "hate" his kids - only that you are overwhelmed. It's nearly impossble for step parents to feel the same depth of love for their steps as for their own bio-kids.

Kim - posted on 07/20/2009

I feel ya. It's a guitly thing to admit but I have issues tolerating my SK's on occasion too. You're not alone. Just know that you are doing a great job and using all the tools at your disposal and it does sound like you are the best thing in their life right now. Neither of my step kids have any type of disorder (that we know of) but some of the things you mention sound familiar. They were never taught to speak proper grammar, use their manners, brush their teeth or wipe themselves. It's still an ongoing battle almost every night to eat simple veggies! My SD is 7 and I am still finding that she does not brush her hair when told even though she said she did, I have to watch them brush and floss or they don't do it and I swear they use their undies as TP! Disgusting when it's laundry time and my poor SD reaks of poo a lot of the time and I make her shower at least once a day. That being said, I have 100% support of my husband who has full custody of his kids. I don't fault him for their shortcomings. He did the best he could being an Army dad, working full time, being deployed twice with a wife who was useless and didn't take care of her own kids. It makes it much easier to work with them and teach them how to care for themselves and how to function if both parents are on the same page and consistent. We worked with a behavior modification teacher for my 6 year old SS. She works for the school district...perhaps you have something similar in your area? He was out of control for a while, behavioral issues, temper tantrums, not minding, saying inappropriate things, etc. She helped us and it worked wonders. If the standard tools aren't working for you, and it sounds like they are not, you definitely need professional help. If not family counseling involving your hubby and all the kids, then at least go yourself. It will give you an outlet to vent and get some professional advice on how to cope and even give you some new tools in your "child rearing arsenal." Good luck to you! Hang in there.

Céline - posted on 07/20/2009

so far....you are the best thing they got going for them!!!
I know it is frustrating but seems to me that if they did not have you....these kids would have no one.
It may be not the perfect life you had planned for you and your honey but god gave you this challenge for a reason and maybe it is for saving these kids.
I know this is what keeps me going day in and day out .....it gives me the extra oumpf i need to keep going.
You are strong and smart....and these kids will thank you one day for being there for them.

Misty - posted on 07/20/2009

It took me a very long time to be able to tolerate my youngest step son..he was 4 when i met him and no one no one no one had even started potty training him....i did this alone on a every other weekend rotation, his mom and my husband said "he will do it when he is ready" well i for one was ready and he needed to be trained.,...patience, alot a screamin when i was alone but we got it done....so i all can say is be the mom you were taught to be, keep the kids safe, teach them what you know is right and love them as you would your own

Tina - posted on 07/20/2009

Be patient! Be strong! Stand firm in the way things are done in your household! Continue to advocate for the children! I know that it's hard, but it will pay off in the long run. You can only give them as much as you can and try to give them all of it. If what you are stating above you could be their saving grace. You have the opportunity to give and teach them something and hopefully show the a different way of life. They may not have had the best start but you can help them with a good finish! They will test you as the step parent to see how much they can get away with and try to push you out of the picture. If you and their dad stand united and work through the things that come your way with kindness, compassion and prayer, it will eventually get better. I promise! And in the end you will have a better relationship with these two children than you ever thought possible.