Stepmom Gripes

Robin - posted on 09/10/2009

Quoting Latesha:

Quoting Laura:

Exactly.....the biomom says that the only reason for the girls to come over is to spend time with their dad. Well that's impossible and not going to happen. It hasn't been that way for 7 years and it isn't going to start now. When they come over here, they are part of a 'family' and like most families......the wife in the home ends up doing most of the childcare....It just happens that way. I don't mind it at all; caring for both my stepkids and my own but I hate having the responsibility and NO control over when they come or when they leave...If they're in my home, I will be their parent and I will discipline them, love them, have them do chores, take them on shopping trips, teach them life lessons..like how to tolerate others, learning to accept different personalities, including their step-sisters and extended family. That's my job as a mother and step-mother is no different, not when they're in my home.

To Laura I can relate to you so welll lol

I TOTALLY AGREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 100%

Robin - posted on 09/10/2009

I understand where you are comming from as a bio mom, but I am also a step mom, and we do get visitation, I will never ask my SD to call me mom, nor would I pretend to be her mom, however, her mom doesnt act like a mom, and I DO LOVE MY SD as though she were mine, even though the word STEP is in it the word DAUGHTER is also in the phrase,

In our case, her mom takes every opportunity to get her off her hands, and we LOVE to get her more, the bio mom has now been married four times, lives in a dump and ALWAYS sends her to us looking like trailer trash, NO MATTER HOW MUCH new clothing or things we get for her for some reason she is always dressing her in thrift store (not that I have a prob with that part of it, its just we buy her new clothes and she keeps putting her in thrift store clothes) mismatched, BOY clothes that are usually stained or worn out or too small, I dont care if im the STEP mom, I love her too much to let her not have nice things when she is with us,

How cold hearted would someone have to be not to consider or treat the step child as their own, leaving the child feeling unloved or unwanted, the fairytale EVIL STEP MOTHER, IM SORRY, I WONT DO THAT TO HER, but there are also A LOT of confusing emotion about being a step parent, you are supposed to love and care for the child and treat them as you would your own but NOT be their parent,

You may not agree with what she does BUT you all (adults only) sit down together and get on the same page for the SAKE OF THE CHILD, so things are not confusing, Im saying if this is possible. I dont think she is trying to take your place but how can you expect her not to love and care about her, when my hubby calls his daughter when we dont have her or the other way around, I talk to her to and tell her I love her, its important that she knows everyone in her life LOVES HER and cares about her.

Give the step mom a little credit, and by the way, why even in the summer do you force your child to wear a uniform? that doesnt sound right to me?

Heidi - posted on 09/10/2009

Kimberley It took a lot of courage for you tom come on this forum. I am a member here as well, because I am a bio mom and a stepmom. I have been ridiculed for some things I have said, but you know what I am doing what is best for my boys whether they are bio or step. I have to deal with an ex that rarely sees or talks to his son, and I have to deal with my exes wife as well(but that has now stopped) and life is much more pleasant this way. If my ex wants to see his son he has to do the groung work himself. Over the years I have tried to foster a father son relationship, but it has gotten me no where, so I don't even bother anymore. My stepson hasn't seen or talked to his biomom in over 2 years. I have done what I can to try and mend that relationship as well, but I get no where. So what I do is take care of my boys and love them. Thats all I can do. So I see you have had some backlash in regards to what you have written, but the sad thing is its all true and I have to agree with you 100%. Just so you know there are forums on here that are more geared to what you are talking about it. And yes I am a member of some of them.

Latesha - posted on 08/25/2009

Quoting Laura:

Exactly.....the biomom says that the only reason for the girls to come over is to spend time with their dad. Well that's impossible and not going to happen. It hasn't been that way for 7 years and it isn't going to start now. When they come over here, they are part of a 'family' and like most families......the wife in the home ends up doing most of the childcare....It just happens that way. I don't mind it at all; caring for both my stepkids and my own but I hate having the responsibility and NO control over when they come or when they leave...If they're in my home, I will be their parent and I will discipline them, love them, have them do chores, take them on shopping trips, teach them life lessons..like how to tolerate others, learning to accept different personalities, including their step-sisters and extended family. That's my job as a mother and step-mother is no different, not when they're in my home.

To Laura I can relate to you so welll lol

Ashley - posted on 08/24/2009

i agree i love my stepdaughter to death and regardless of what her mother says, thinks, or does i will NOT stop treating her like my own child. That type of thinking is immature and childish. My bm acts that way and it's sad because i'm only 20 and she's about to be 23 and yet i'm more mature about the situation.

Laura - posted on 08/24/2009

Exactly.....the biomom says that the only reason for the girls to come over is to spend time with their dad. Well that's impossible and not going to happen. It hasn't been that way for 7 years and it isn't going to start now. When they come over here, they are part of a 'family' and like most families......the wife in the home ends up doing most of the childcare....It just happens that way. I don't mind it at all; caring for both my stepkids and my own but I hate having the responsibility and NO control over when they come or when they leave...If they're in my home, I will be their parent and I will discipline them, love them, have them do chores, take them on shopping trips, teach them life lessons..like how to tolerate others, learning to accept different personalities, including their step-sisters and extended family. That's my job as a mother and step-mother is no different, not when they're in my home.

Latesha - posted on 08/24/2009

Okay I DONT AGREE! I am a stepmom the mom gave her son to the dad while I was just the girlfriend and she kept the daughter. She jealous is hell yall usually are when ya ex moves on anyway you said something about SM shouldnt say "we get visitation" to hell with that if u are at my house with my husband and I thats all of our time "family time" The dad cant do it all who is going to fix YOUR kids something to eat for ex just in case dad cant cook I dont know what your ex an do but I know im always moving around having to take of my OWN kids as well as the step kids See their mom talks like you but what is going to happen is your kids an wind up being ignored and neglected by the stepmom guess what its almost happening at my house because the mom feels they are "spending time with the dad what the heck me and my kids invisible I feel like Bio moms sometimes have no regard or respect for the Stepmom/New Wife I had to vent on this one my badd...........

Angele - posted on 08/22/2009

I am the SM to my husbands two boys who are 14 and 11. We have been together since they were 4 and 18months. At first teh BM and I did not get alond as well as thier father with thier mother. Years down the road we get along for the most part still have issues over certain things. The BM prefes dealing with me than her ex(my husband). They still can barely communicate without arguing over conflicting opinions. Last year for Christmas she gave me a plaque that said " Stepmom the brigde that spans two families, linking them with love." I love those two boys as if they were my own, she realizes that. I would do whatever I have to to protect them or give them what they need. Thier mother knows if she cannot do or provide something for them all she has to do is to ask. I know we have an unusual relation but wouldn't you rather the SM to love the child than to dislike and hate the child.

Luzenia - posted on 08/21/2009

as a mom and a step mom i can understand that you are having troubles my sons step mother is super sweet and he loves her but my step sons bio mom is a crazy lady ....seriously she has been diagnosed but she will not take her medicine she is terrible towards the children treats my son like a dirty word when she sees him and tells everyone i stole her kids and i am beginning to realize weather i like it or not she is going to be there and although this women is not the bio mom she is the wife and until if ever she divorces your ex husband she is going to be there the only thing you can do is reassure ou children when you have them sounds like they have already made an opinion about her and when they are old enough they can decide weather to be there or not but until then they will have to "jump through the hoops" that's just the way life is

Amanda - posted on 08/21/2009

Laura-

If head lice is a continual problem in one home you can report it to Child Services. I have worked in day care, pre schools, and the public school system and cannot believe someone has not already reported it. When lice become a constant there is no other reason than neglect to fix the problem by a parent. It is not by any means pleasant for them to sit around with bugs living in their hair and mom needs to do something like it or not. To force them to live with that problem is considered a form of abuse. Kudos to you for doing all the hard work you have, but now mom has to be held accountable too.



Sorry touchy subject for me. I teach special education and I see SO many kids that have to live like that and it just makes me sick that parents can care so little and be so selfish.

Laura - posted on 08/20/2009

I had two daughters, he had two daughters and after we married we had "our" daughter. My girls live with us full time and his girls lived with us every other week (sun-sun). Until 4mos ago (We've been together for 7yrs)......Last summer my step-daughter came home with head lice. We treated her, the house (which includes; ALL bedding, jackets, clothes, dolls, carpets, mattress', backpacks, headbands, brushes, couches...etc. Anything that she came in contact with) not to mention all cars that she rode in. My husband went to work and I missed work in order to stay home and take care of the problem; with 5 children and two bedrooms.....Ugghhh to say the least. One of my girls got headlice in the following weeks after the first event. The girls would go home to their bio mom and come back on Sunday with nits in their hair. At first I called the bio mom and we would discuss it civally. After a few months of continual problem (with my step-daughters) we went 'together' to the doctor to discuss any further options because it just wasn't going away...She said we're doing the right things and keep it up. The third month into this our youngest child got it. Her daycare has a no nit policy so I literally missed almost an entire week of work and my girls missed school, gymnastics and dance practice (in order to not risk exposing others) not to mention going through the stem to stern cleaning process every time my stepdaughters came in to my home or left was starting to take it's toll. I began to notice that when my step-daughters went to their mother's house; they never missed school, she never missed work, they never missed dance or gymnastics when they were with her.....and it drove me crazy because this head lice issue has been continual and it appears that she's not being responsible by allowing the girls to attend functions with nits in their hair. Our gymnastics studio has 3 competitive teams; the loss of their practice times, the cost of fumigating the studio and closing it down for 2weeks, the risk of giving it to other children just never seemed to cross her mind. We built two new rooms on to the house so only 2 girls share, new carpeting throughout, everyone has their own hairbrushes..etc. I've tried to do everything I can to lessen the likelyhood of it spreading to my girls when the step-daughters come over. I can't even imagine the amount of money I have spent on treatment supplies for the girls, house and cars. I am happy to say that my three girls have not had head lice for this entire year, but my step-daughters continue to have issues. One sunday my husband found a bug on the his middle daughter's head, I cleansed her head and pulled out literally 40-50 bugs,not counting the nits. When their mother picked them up that evening my husband told her that the problem had occurred again and she jokingly said something about 'being infested'. She allowed her to attend gymnastics class the next day....well that was it! I couldn't stand it anymore because it had been 8mos of continual head lice and she was letting this girls roll around on the mats with everyone else and I knew she had lice because I pulled them off. I said something to the instructor who verified the nits were in her hair and said she would have to miss practice, get her head clean and have a make up day when she was all clear. Well when the bio-mom found out, she freaked out, called my husband and told him I had no right to be looking at HER kids' heads, that I was mean to her children and she didn't like the amount of time that they spent with me, that I was lying and her kids' head were fine, they did not have lice, I just didn't know what I was talking about. She told him that they were not allowed over to our home unless he was off of work and was going to be there. There is no legal documents as they were never married and he won't press the issue because the oldest step-daughter isn't his biologically (although she doesn't know it yet) and he's right that the bio mom would probably take her away for good. I went through a lot of stress and continue to over this issue. We were a family for 7years and now all of it's changed. Our youngest cried every night for a month for her sisters before she finally adjusted. The bio mom tells the girls that the only reason why they come over here is to see their dad, that it has nothing to do with me or my children. I've worked so hard for 7years to treat them all equally and for goodness sake, the youngest is their real sister....not that it makes a difference after 7years, they are all real sisters, at least in my mind. It's been 4mos since the schedule change and my step-daughters continue to have head lice. My husband picked his girls up, brought them over I checked their heads (in June) and they were covered in bugs again. We worked all afternoon, cleaning them and picking through their head as best as we could before he took them back to their mom's after dinner. When he said that they had head lice again, the mom looked at my husband and said ,"No they don't" ....I am at a loss as to what to do. I know that to protect my children and my home I need to have a 'no nit' policy but these are our girls and my girl's sisters. I can't imagine telling my husband I don't want them over here. If I did I wouldn't be surprised for it to be the end of our marriage. After all, kids do come first. I decided that my marriage to my husband was my priority and I would not do anything to cause further disruption in our marriage but I am sooooo tired of cleaning every time they leave, so tired of worrying about my girls getting head lice from them. I can't even think of those girls anymore without thinking about headlice, when they're over, I don't want to sit next to them on the couch, I don't want my girls to sit next to them on the couch...I love them but I am completely stressed and worse feel powerless...HELP

Emily - posted on 08/20/2009

I am a step mom of an eleven year old boy. He is a good kid his mom and I do get along. We both told each other that we will get along to make it easier for him. My husband barely talks to her. There are things that bug me that she does, but I just kinda pick my battles. I do not talk bad to my step son I consider him to be my own. He is with me more then he is with either of his biological parents. We all have agreed to talk about our issues. Matter of fact we have a very good understanding that if something happens in one house we let the other know. We all pretty much work together in order to keep our little boy happy and healthy.

Amber - posted on 08/20/2009

i personally dont talk to my step-kids mom, we dont really get along, but i do my best to help raise them and shes admitted that i do a good job. while my husband was in court trying to get custody of the boys, i was right by his side fighting with him. i came into the picture one year after the custody battle officially started and i was involved with the second year of it. it finally ended in june. i dont try to replace her when the boys are with us, they dont call me mom, and i dont intend on making them, but i do consider the visitation "our visitation" because i do just as much as he does and i fought with him through the toughest parts. i feel more involved than im sure she wants me to be, but i am involved, whether she likes it or not (i know that sounds harsh, but i dont know any better way to say it). i have perfect respect for biological mothers in general, so i understand where you're coming from. however, i do feel like some stepmoms (only the ones who actually work to help with the kids) deserve the right to be considered a parent. my aunt has two beautiful girls that she adopted. she didnt "carry them for nine months" and she didnt go through labor for them, but shes just as much their mom as the woman that did.

i dont mean to offend you in any way, i just hope i can help you see it from the other side. good luck and God bless!

Laura - posted on 08/20/2009

Maturity has everything to do with it no matter which way you look at it. I also am on both sides. I have 2 children from one man and 2 from my current (and last) husband. Not to mention his daughter is living with us. So, that puts me on ALL sides. The best thing I have found in this situation is that the kids are the main focus, whether or not the other party is not participating like you want. Explain to the kids how they should or could handle the situation. Or, how you would handle it. Depending on the age of the children, encourage them to put their clothes in their bags that they carry home. If they don't usually carry them, get them one that is specifically for dad's house. In other words, (again, depending on the age) make the child responsible for bringing their clothes, medicine, etc. back home with them. As for the cussing, explain to the children that it's not a direct hit at them, its issues the SM has to deal with herself. And just because they are being treated in such a way does not make it right. I hope this helps.

Melissa - posted on 08/20/2009

Hey Bio-mom...SM here.  You said hit me with it so here it is....you are absolutely right.  As a step-mom I knew exactly what the situation was when I married into it and to make the situation work you HAVE HAVE HAVE to get along with bio-moms and respect that it's their child and not yours.  I feel blessed to have my stepson in my life but not a day goes by that I don't take a breath and remember that he has a mother waiting to see him when he's with us.  Sounds like you have a rotten situation to deal with...best of luck to you!

Stepmom

 

Quoting Kimberley:

Stepmom Gripes

Well, I'm a Bio-Mom and I don't try to control the stepmother...I have enough to do without trying to control another adult, I just wish she would act like one. She yells and curses at my 13 year old daughter as well as her 11 year old son from a previous relationship (bio-dad deceased). I don't go out of my way to make her life miserable I don't have to she's married to misery. When she had their baby I sent a nice basket of stuff for her...lotions, bath salts, etc because I know everybody sends stuff for the baby and not the new mother. I've had the clothes issue with my ex since the divorce and the SM doesn't help the situation any. My daughter wore uniforms throughout elementary school and they'd eventually end up more at one house than the other and they couldn't understand why. Well riddle me this...what about days when my daughter is out of school and not in a uniform; or when she gets picked up by either party and she's in a uniform but when she gets dropped off she's not? I really wish SM's would stop saying "we get visitation"...if the bio-Mom is still alive and involved with her child(ren) regardless of the amount of time spent...it's the father's visitation not yours. Did YOU divorce the ex-wife? Is YOUR name anywhere in the J.O.D or custody papers? I seriously doubt it. I don't want the SM to treat my daughter as if she were her own because she's not...she is the child of another woman who carried her for nine months and went through labor to get her here. You chose to become involved in the life of a man who already had a child so you went into the situation with both eyes open...deal with it and quit pissing about it. I applaud the SM's who grin and bear it for the sake of the children. They didn't pick their parents and more than likely didn't pick the SM their father did. The kid(s) will eventually grow up and move out (that's the plan right?). Okay...SM's hit me....I can take it!

Shal-Marie - posted on 08/20/2009

I didn't go through labour, but I'm there cleaning up the messes that bio-mom makes, I'm the one there when my SS gets sick, I'm the one that makes him do his homework and I'm there when my SS gets off the phone with her and cries because she makes him feel like nothing.....

I'm with you here.  I am raising my 3 step kids and have been for the last 5 years.  Their mom doesn't make an effort to see them..makes ton's of promises to them, never fulfills any of them.  The kids dont' care to see her.  They know she  is mom but as my 9 year old ss said "it takes more than giving birth to me to be my mom".  I've been in his life since he was 4 and mom left when he was 18 months old.  I'm the one making memories with these kids, not her!  Yes they know she's their mom but they also know who takes care of them, who does everything for them...and that she does NOTHING!

Brandy - posted on 08/19/2009

Hello. I am both, a stepmom and biomom. I have a descent relationship with my ex. He is slowly becoming a better dad as the boys get older. He is now with a woman who is nice to my boys. They say they like her, but I hate it when they come home saying she wants them to call her mom, or she says something about my personal beliefs that have no bearing on her. I am raising my boys in the manner my ex and I agreed on before we even had children. This upsets me because he has been with her for over a year now. They live together and my boys have yet to meet her two children. My ex hasn't even met them. How can you tell me how to raise my children when your not even raising yours? Well my response when my boys tell me these things? I smile and tell them everyone has their own ideas on how to do things. Mommy and Stepmom just have different ideas. And sometimes when it really angers me I just tell them well God wants us to love everyone. So, you tell her I love her and I will pray for her. That's the bio mom side. Now, on the stepmom side. I have been with my husband for 6 years. He has a autistic son. I have raised him. His mom see's him 4 days a month. If she can handle him. We have had to go get him because he doesn't want to be there and he throws a fit. He bits, hits, kicks and breaks things. He doesn't do these things at our home. I play a very active role in his life. I'm at the school all the time, I do lot's of research, talk to specailists, and go to workshops to learn anything I can to help him get better. When we try to get her to help with diets for example, she will act like I'm overstepping my line. She will completely do the opposite. She will give him everything he's not allowed to have just to spite me. Then she will do things just to aggrivate my husband. She will out right lie. She has tried to break up our marriage using her children as weapons. She has an older son who is also mentally handicapped who calls my husband dad. My husband has been there since he was born, he doesn't know that my husband isn't his dad, but when he doesn't give her things that she wants she will say things like you'll never see him again(her older son). My husband went a year without seeing him because she actually said if you don't break up with her you'll never see him again. Well after about a year the guy she was married to left her. Now, she needed my husband again. After all this and filing false reports with the courts trying to get Domestic V. against him, (She wanted him to loose his guns since he loves to hunt), and all the other crazy things she did, she had the nerve to call him and ask him to fix her car! Then said he was a bad dad because he wouldn't drop everything run the 30 min drive to her house and fix her car for free. Her kids were at our house at this time! Then she gets mad and tell's him it's none of my business if he comes to her house or not. She doesn't pay child support. She doesn't carry insurance. She won't buy him any school clothes. She had him a total of 9 days this summer! She brought him back early every time she had him. I have him everyday! My husband works, he is a great provider. He's not perfect but he is a great man and a good dad. She hates it because My stepson calls me Stepmom. He also calls me by my name but for some reason he calls my stepmom when he talks to someone or wants my attention. He begs me not to let her take him. When she comes around to sporting events or some activity he clings to me. If she comes near him he starts crying, and in some cases even peed his pants. I hug him and try to calm him down, then she gets mad and says I tell him to do it, because I'm jealous of her. I can't stand it. I do feel I am a mom to my stepson. I sometimes actually forget he's not mine. It would kill me if for some reason he wasn't in my life anymore. I question myself sometimes about what if I was in her situation. Then I think I would never be in her situation. She just gave him up because he is a handful. He's loud, and very active. He keeps you on your toes, but if he was my son I would have never given him up. She willing gave him up. She just said here you go. I would never give up my kids. My ex would have to fight me until one of us died to get my kids. I just wish we could get along or something. I think that's why my ex and I get along so well. I don't want my kids to see this kind of thing. I tell him he's very lucky to have me as an ex wife! LOL. Except those little things, My ex, his g/f, my husband and I get along well. We can all set and talk and get along. If he has a problem he does come to me and talk. I have called and asked him why was this or that said. We have recently told the boys that what is said at mom or dad's house stays at that house. No he said she said. We think that maybe they're getting at that age where their doing it for attention? I think they are hearing things and just getting them confused? I don't know... But I do feel you on dealing with stepmoms, but every situation is different, my husbands ex is plain pyscho. He her last ex husband had to file stalking charges against her!!

Melaney - posted on 08/19/2009

I applaud you. It has to be hard to deal with a step parent to your children. I feel you have every right to feel the way you do towards her. I am a SM and love ever minute of it, but in the beginning it was very hard. The Bio-Mom made my life a living hell and I was just trying to make the kids and my husband's life better. She did him very wrong when they divorced and took him for everything he had. I just picked up the pieces. I am sorry the SM talks to your child like that, she has no right at all. I would never, never ever treat mine like that. They mean to much to me and I took them as my own when I married their dad. They didn't pick me, but they treat me as if they did and I love it. When mom is around I step back, I never wanted to replace her by any means and she knows that now, I just want to show her I am a good person and will treat her kids as if they were my flesh and blood. When my husband gets the kids I am excited to see them because I am always greeted with hugs. I really hope things can work out with the SM and that she can grow up and become a real mom...

Morgan - posted on 08/19/2009

im both a SM and a bio mom and believe me i know the clothes situation is a PIA. my stepsons mother basically shops by keeping stuff that i bought for him and u wanna talk about cussin or yelling or treating a kid like shit well shes got the golden star and shes the bio mom. but "we" do get visitation. i dont know how long your SM has been in the picture but ive been around since my step son was 2 and we have my step son 95% of the time. im more of a mother to him than shell ever be. having the kid come out of your body doesnt make you a mother. doing whats best for your child no matter what kind of BS crap u have to deal with- thats what makes u a mother. best advice i can give....."grin and bear it" cuz it isnt gonna go away.

Holly - posted on 08/19/2009

thanks for the info Meg!

Girlio - posted on 08/19/2009

Ladies, there is a POSITIVE group for Steps and Bios it's called Co-Mama's and Step Wives - Mom's and Step Moms partnering together. It's not for venting or anything negative though.



http://apps.facebook.com/circleofmoms/gr...



The other one is called Parents, Step parents and Children.



http://apps.facebook.com/circleofmoms/gr...

Sherri - posted on 08/19/2009

Quoting Michelle:

I have a lot of the same issues with my kids step-mom. But I am also a SM, so I can see both sides. I try to stay out of the way because they are not my kids (I have enough of my own to care for) and I know I want it that way myself but some (not all, I want to calify) SM's are so insecure and jealous (or wacko in my case) that they can't see what is best for the kids. They only want to cause hurt and pain and only think of themselves. Good luck, we both seem to need it! :)

In my case, it's the biomom that's the wacko.  Hurts her child-she's been made aware of it by both us and by him... still chooses to do nothing.  It hurts so much to watch him go through this.  He's having little bits of his happiness taken away with each broken promise and phone call.  Worst part is that no matter what I do, I can't help him.  I can be there for him as much as he'll allow me to, but at the end of the day, I'm not his "mom" and he needs her.  I can never take away the pain he feels or fill that void....

Michelle - posted on 08/19/2009

Some of us are both SM and BM's and can understand both sides of the situation. It's very hard to be a good SM and deal with a bad one that your kids have. There must be more out there in my situation, I know.

Michelle - posted on 08/19/2009

My youngest called my husband (not his "true Dad") Daddy for a long time. He was only 1 1/2 when got together and he is the only Dad he knows. He visits his Bio-Dad and I'm sure loves him but it's My hubby that he sees as his Father. As long as you and your husband and your "bonus" son are fine with it, then do whatever makes him happy and content, especially in your situation. Good luck!

Michelle - posted on 08/19/2009

I have a lot of the same issues with my kids step-mom. But I am also a SM, so I can see both sides. I try to stay out of the way because they are not my kids (I have enough of my own to care for) and I know I want it that way myself but some (not all, I want to calify) SM's are so insecure and jealous (or wacko in my case) that they can't see what is best for the kids. They only want to cause hurt and pain and only think of themselves. Good luck, we both seem to need it! :)

Cidalia - posted on 08/19/2009

As a bio-mom, I can understand not wanting someone to attempt to take your place. I get it. As a stepmom, however, I can also see the perspective of a stepchild who does need their stepmom to fulfill the mom role. Carrying a child for 9 months and giving birth to them is NOT all it takes to be a mother. As a bio mom, I've birthed 3 children, but I also take care of my children every day since the day they were born. My SK's bio-mom, on the other hand, is barely a blip in their lives. These children are hurting and desperate for a real mother figure, and I will not deny them this need simply because she gave birth to them. My stepson has been asking to call me "mommy," and I'm going to let him since he doesn't really have a mommy in the full sense of the word in his life.

Holly - posted on 08/18/2009

Quoting Sherri:

Holly-might want to let the administrator know that one? Is that how you go about that? That's a great idea. Two thumbs WAAAAAAAAAAAY up!

i think anyone can start a community... i'm not sure though since i've never tried... i really would do the bm/sm advice swapping one, but i have no time as i am about to start the semester and i am taking 14 credits this semester.

April - posted on 08/18/2009

Yes, we have a gracious God and saviour who knows our situation and fixes it all when we turn to him. He brought me to my knees literally, and I am most gracious to him. After he takes over everything from there is a gift.............AMEN

Sherri - posted on 08/18/2009

Holly-might want to let the administrator know that one? Is that how you go about that? That's a great idea. Two thumbs WAAAAAAAAAAAY up!

April - posted on 08/18/2009

As a stepmom I can say God Bless my step kids. Sometimes I think I would have been a better stepmom if I had been a Mom first. I thank God for what he brought me through and in the end I don't regret one minute of it, having step kids taught me alot about what love should be, my only regret is that I learned more after most of it was over. But that was when I became a mom myself. I love each and everyone of my kids and I hope they know that they are in my thoughts and prayers always.

Holly - posted on 08/18/2009

Quoting Sherri:

By the way-I am completey supportive towards Bio-moms giving their opinions on the step-mother's forum. If they're looking for a SM's option or insight... where the hell else would you like them to go get it?

maybe a couple new communities need to be made. i suggest:

1. bio moms whose kids have sm's

2. bio mom and step moms giving each other advice (or something like that)

that way each group would have their own place to gripe (which I really need as no one I know understands my situation because none of my friends are step parents), plus there would be a place for bio moms and step moms to try to understand each other's points of view.

in my opinion, a STEPMOM community needs to have JUST stepmoms, not bio moms, as I feel it is felt like more of a "safe place" to gripe and ask for advice without fear of some biomom getting all up in arms. I get enough bashing from my daughter's bio mom, I don't need more in a place where I come to get advice and try to help others as well when I can.

I am in no way trying to be mean right now. I am just saying I think bio moms (who are not also steps) should get their own community and respect ours. If a community such as that existed (I have no idea, I have had no desire to go look either) I would not intrude - I would respect their privacy and need for their own place to get advice.

Sherri - posted on 08/18/2009

As step moms it is our job to give our bonus kids the best life we can when they are with us. It is a hard job and a thankless job, but it is a job most of us would never trade for anything. It is an incredibly hard position to understand unless you have been here yourself. The children we help rasie become huge parts of our lives.

AMEN!  And I'm going to use that "bonus kids" line.  Never thought of it that way.

Sherri - posted on 08/18/2009

Quoting Megan:

Kimberly, I have been pondering on this and the other conversation you started. I would absolutely try to meet the SM one on one to get on the same page regarding parenting and your daughter. Try e-mailing her or calling her on her cell. Unless her husband, your ex, is abusive and is isolating her, I'm not sure why this wouldn't be possible. Especially do this if dad is abusive and SM might be her best ally in the home.

That being said, I think several of us feel like if we were married to your ex-husband you would dislike us too. I feel like there is this belief sometimes that when the SK come for visitation that normal life must stop so the child can have some kind of idealized, rarefied experience with their Bio Dad or Bio Mom. The reality is, this is rarely the case. Life goes on, work goes on, errands go on, visits to family go on. And, in our case, as in many others, I'm sure, the step children are an important part of that life but not the center of it. Like someone else said. Grocery shopping, laundry, housework. All of this goes on while your SD is in the house. Is it supposed to stop? Is SM supposed to do it all but not be able to reap any benefit such as a positive relationship with her SD? When SM goes a visiting to her family why wouldn't she take SD?

I don't know if we're normal, but last Christmas we took my two SS to visit my family in Florida. That's my grandmother, uncles, aunts, sister, mother. These are people who are not related by blood to my SS but whom they have forged a bond with over the many years their father and I have been together. They also regularly visit their step fathers family. What is the problem here? I have always felt that the more people who love my SS and the more people they know the more opportunities they will have for adventure in life.

The other item I have an issue with is the idea that you don't want SM to love your daughter as her own. I know this has to be really hard for the BM, but honestly, what is the alternative? For her to hate your SD or act cold or indifferent? What mother would want that for her child? I think it is really difficult for the BM to understand sometimes that there is a relationship and bond forged between a SM and SC in many cases. I know my BM has a difficult time with this. She often talks to me about the boys in a way that implies that I don't know them very well. She tells me their likes and dislikes. Stuff like that. She doesn't understand that her children are a part of my life and my household. Not just when we have "our visitation" but even when they are with her. I know them. I did not carry them in my womb, but I know them very very well.

The relationship exists between your daughter and her SM and if you were on board they could even grow closer. One advantage of this is that your daughter is entering her teen years, and I believe, one can never have to many adult eyes and ears keeping track of teenagers goings on. So, I say, get in touch. Tell her you don't like all the swearing. Talk to her about uniforms. Just remember you may not want her to lov your daughter as her own but she knows your daughter, maybe not quite as well as you do, but likely it is close.

We've tried this with the BM FIVE TIMES in our situation.... if it worked for you.... all the power to you. :)

Glenda - posted on 08/18/2009

Ok, I was the first person to reply to this post last night, but decided to delete it so I could gather my thoughts. I don't want to get on here an bash the biomom that I will be tied to for the rest of our duaghters lives, but I have a few things to point out in your initial post.



First, 'YOU get visitation' when the court deems you finally responsible enough to see the children every other weekend. I, on the other hand am the one that has been in their lives guiding, teaching, loving and taking care of them on a daily basis while your trying to get your priorities straight. Just because you give birth to a child, that in no means dictates you on a higher ground than I am.

Most of us do grin and bear it for the sake of the children. However, this forum is for stepmothers to seek others that are in the similar situation as they are. We vent on this forum so that we don't do it in front of the children. I wish I could say the same for the biomom in my life. If she would stop her jealousy, YES, it is jealousy, and appreciate what I do for the girls then we would all get along just fine. Instead, her trash talking in front of the children only pushes them into my arms when they get home. Why? I show them stability, love, and a calmness that they appreciate.

I completely 'get' the fact that biomom doesn't want anyone else taking her place. My solution to that is don't get yourself in such a situation that you can't take proper care of your children.

So, biomom with an attitude. I suggest you turn some of your venom towards your ex and get him to handle the cussing....which I can hardly believe because if that were the case you would've taken them to court, but who am I to say. Anyway, I don't care if biomoms are on here, in fact, I wish mine was on here and maybe she'd see that she's not the only one in the world that doesn't have custody of her birth children. Maybe she'd get over herself....as I hope you do, too!

Sherri - posted on 08/18/2009

By the way-I am completey supportive towards Bio-moms giving their opinions on the step-mother's forum. If they're looking for a SM's option or insight... where the hell else would you like them to go get it?

Sherri - posted on 08/18/2009

I don't have time to respond to what anyone else has responded.... but I will say that I was slightly stung by this post. See, this hits me very close to home. I am a very good SM (not to sound high on my horse). My situation is IDENTICAL..... reversed, but the same. I took my step-son to the store, bought his mom some stuff and DROVE HIM TO THE HOSPITAL when his mom had the baby. I invited her to my step son's birthday party AND picked her up for it (she left before dinner, cake OR presents). It's like she's resentful of the things I do and the relationship between myself and my SS. But at the same time, I wouldn't have that relationship with him if it wasn't for her. Maybe if she took him to doctor/dentist appointments, attended his counseling appointments, attended his Cadet parades/functions, called him more than once a week, didn't emotionally assualt him calling HER OWN SON NAMES and holding his money ransom on him, he would trust her or look up to her more than me....



Also, as far as getting involved with a man with a kid.... yes, I knew he had a son... I knew he had custody... but when I signed up, I signed up for the step-mom role-NOT the mom role. Although I love my SS very much, I am not his mother. It's very hurtful when he gets off the phone with his mother and all of a sudden is attached to me like a Garfield sucker to a window. My heart breaks for him because I am from a "broken" home" too and can relate to how his mother treats him because I had a dead-beat dad.



Lets not lump all step moms that are young or more involved into the same category...

I really don't care who went through labour.... I didn't go through labour, but I'm there cleaning up the messes that bio-mom makes, I'm the one there when my SS gets sick, I'm the one that makes him do his homework and I'm there when my SS gets off the phone with her and cries because she makes him feel like nothing..... I get all of the pains now and she has made the choice to fade out (taking off accross the country for 3 weeks; giving up visits because she had better things to do etc.) I'm also a whole 13 years older than my SS (me-25, him-12) and I can say the same thing about bio-mom ( age 34) acting her age.

Amanda - posted on 08/18/2009

I am sorry to hear that you have had bad experiences with the step mom in your daughter's life. She does sound like she has said and done things she should not have and no child deserves being treated like that. I am sure you are a great mom and you love your child, but not all bms are like that. Not all step moms are like the one you deal with either. In a perfect world we would all get along great and coparent in a healthy way, but that's not always possible. There will always be issues in blended families, and at one point or another everyone in the situation shoulders blame for these issues. It's not always all our fault just because we are step moms. Every situation is different and none of us should be judged just for our title whether it be bio mom OR step mom.



As step moms it is our job to give our bonus kids the best life we can when they are with us. It is a hard job and a thankless job, but it is a job most of us would never trade for anything. It is an incredibly hard position to understand unless you have been here yourself. The children we help rasie become huge parts of our lives. Legally maybe it is not "our" situation, but in every other way it is. Many of us are actually the only mothers in our bonus children's lives, and we will always consider them our children. Just because we did not give birth does not mean we can not fall in love with these amazing kids. We often face issues that make our lives very hard, but instead of creating drama in our lives we choose to come here to seek advice or a safe place to vent. We do not come here to recieve criticism or face ugly stereotypes. I am sorry if you feel we are being unfair to bm's but this is after all a group for step moms. I would not go to a group for bio moms dealing with step moms and expect a warm welcome.



This group was created as a open safe place for step moms to seek help in trying to raise our bonus children as best we can. As the administrator for this group I am not going to discourage anyone from posting here as long as you can be fair, unbiased, and respectful to the other members. I also want to make it clear though, if you are here posting to start nothing but a fight I will not tolerate that. That goes for bm's as well as sm's.

Jessica - posted on 08/18/2009

I have noticed that you have posted some very positive comments on this forum, towards step moms. Maybe consider that many of the problems you deal with, other bio moms, AND step moms deal with the exact same issues. Use this community for advice and support :)

Jessica - posted on 08/18/2009

I understand your point of view, and I know that issues like this are quite common. I know that my SD's bio mom does not consider me equal to her, and I suppose legally I am not. In the ideal divorce situation (if there is such a thing), the two biological parents would remain the closest and most influential people in the children's lives.



In my situation, I have no doubt that my SD's bio mom loves her, but she doesn't CARE enough to make an effort. We (and I say WE because I am her mom 26 out of 30 days a month, all year round) invite her to every school event, extracurricular, send her birthday and Christmas gifts (from my SD), and try to keep her involved in my SD'd life. She chooses to not show up. She missed my SD's first day of school, countless school plays, choir performances, and has called to speak with my SD on the phone TWICE in the last year. She sticks her in front of the tv, which is in her room, instead of spending time with her. She feeds an 8 year old Iced cappuccino's and then yells at her when she is hyperactive. My SD cries and complains every time that she has to go to her mom's. Her bio mom took us back to court last year to get child support decreased, as she had had a second child, without thinking of the ramifications. When the judge expressed his displeasure with the fact that she barely saw her daughter, she decided to go for custody. Of course this did not happen, as my hubby has had sole custody since my SD was six months old. The judge awarded her every Tuesday night, with drop off at school, as well as every second weekend which she already had. She was also awarded half of the summer, which needless to say, did not go well, as we started my SD in counselling one week into her visitation with her mom, as she was hysterical when it was time to go, and didn't feel safe, and was "sick of mommy going from guy to guy." As of last June, her bio mom called and requested that we DROP Tuesday night visits, as it was too far for her to drive (same city, 25 minutes, to see HER CHILD), and this summer we went back to the original schedule. She voluntarily gives up time with her daughter all the time. And I have not even told you half of the issues.



Meanwhile, my SD is doing well in school, and is a smart, caring, considerate little girl. We are very close, and she has many times said that she can talk to me about anything, and she wishes I was her mom. When she is home, she is happy and positive. We have done our best to help her handle the situation, and she is doing wonderfully. She still does not always get excited to go see her mom, as much as we try to talk it up, but she is glad to see her brother, and makes the best of it.



I understand that there are many bio mom's out there who are great parents, and have to deal with a step-mom sometimes overstepping her bounds. As far as this woman loving your child, and treating her as her own, I don't understand why you would want anything different. There is no such thing as "too much" love toward a child. If there are different issues to deal with, fine, but this should not be one of them.



I admit that even when my SD's bio mom is around, I step in and parent my SD. I took a back seat in the beginning, and tried to give her the oppurtunity, but she genuinly does not know what to do, has often asked me what to do, and does not have the closeness or mutual respect with her daughter to be successful with discipline. If we are ALL together, and my SD wants to ask permission to do something, she always comes to me first. Her bio mom has never said anything, and to be honest, I don't think she minds, because she doesn't know how to deal with it anyway.



I am by no means saying that I am a perfect parent, but I am a parent to her. Please keep in mind, the many SM's out there who work there butts off caring for, and loving children that are not biologically theirs. Please also think of the many SM's who are also doing this because their step kids bio mom doesn't really give a damn.



I am more of a mom to my SD than her bio mom will ever be. Giving birth doesn't make you a parent, and I will continue to do everthing for my SD that her bio mom SHOULD be doing. I will continue to support my SD's relationship with her bio mom, and will never say anything negative about her mother. But I will also support her, if one day, when she is an adult, she decides to walk away from her bio mom. I will feel no guilt because her bio mom never earned that relationship.



If you are not a step mom, I am not sure if I agree with you being in this particular community. If you are here to find a way to improve your relationship with the children's step-mom, then by all means. If you are here to let us know that we will never replace bio moms, and to point out our mistakes, this is not the place for you. There are many different situations in this community, and to put a blanket judgement, or for that fact, any judgement at all, is not fair. I wish you the best, and good luck with your situation.



Remember that there are some of us who not only "grin and bear it" but genuinely fall in love with these kids, and do our best to be a psoitive force in their lives.

Megan - posted on 08/18/2009

Kimberly, I have been pondering on this and the other conversation you started. I would absolutely try to meet the SM one on one to get on the same page regarding parenting and your daughter. Try e-mailing her or calling her on her cell. Unless her husband, your ex, is abusive and is isolating her, I'm not sure why this wouldn't be possible. Especially do this if dad is abusive and SM might be her best ally in the home.



That being said, I think several of us feel like if we were married to your ex-husband you would dislike us too. I feel like there is this belief sometimes that when the SK come for visitation that normal life must stop so the child can have some kind of idealized, rarefied experience with their Bio Dad or Bio Mom. The reality is, this is rarely the case. Life goes on, work goes on, errands go on, visits to family go on. And, in our case, as in many others, I'm sure, the step children are an important part of that life but not the center of it. Like someone else said. Grocery shopping, laundry, housework. All of this goes on while your SD is in the house. Is it supposed to stop? Is SM supposed to do it all but not be able to reap any benefit such as a positive relationship with her SD? When SM goes a visiting to her family why wouldn't she take SD?



I don't know if we're normal, but last Christmas we took my two SS to visit my family in Florida. That's my grandmother, uncles, aunts, sister, mother. These are people who are not related by blood to my SS but whom they have forged a bond with over the many years their father and I have been together. They also regularly visit their step fathers family. What is the problem here? I have always felt that the more people who love my SS and the more people they know the more opportunities they will have for adventure in life.



The other item I have an issue with is the idea that you don't want SM to love your daughter as her own. I know this has to be really hard for the BM, but honestly, what is the alternative? For her to hate your SD or act cold or indifferent? What mother would want that for her child? I think it is really difficult for the BM to understand sometimes that there is a relationship and bond forged between a SM and SC in many cases. I know my BM has a difficult time with this. She often talks to me about the boys in a way that implies that I don't know them very well. She tells me their likes and dislikes. Stuff like that. She doesn't understand that her children are a part of my life and my household. Not just when we have "our visitation" but even when they are with her. I know them. I did not carry them in my womb, but I know them very very well.



The relationship exists between your daughter and her SM and if you were on board they could even grow closer. One advantage of this is that your daughter is entering her teen years, and I believe, one can never have to many adult eyes and ears keeping track of teenagers goings on. So, I say, get in touch. Tell her you don't like all the swearing. Talk to her about uniforms. Just remember you may not want her to lov your daughter as her own but she knows your daughter, maybe not quite as well as you do, but likely it is close.

Girlio - posted on 08/18/2009

Kimberley, with all due respect; when us step moms are involved with men that have children it does turn into "our visitation" as its a house and life that we share together and having the step children does affect our lives, from meals and laundry to our plans with our friends and the children's friends. A question for you; Our names are not on the custody or visitation papers, no you're right. You don't want the SM to treat your daughter like she is hers, as she already has a mom. Do you want your ex hubby to do all the laundry, all the cooking, all the cleaning, driving around, etc. that goes with having children in a house? Do you want her to ignore your daughter as though she does not exist when your daughter is at their house? A relationship and a household is a team effort and you could take the other perspective that this woman is doing "mom like" things when you aren't there to do them yourself. And that you have a great daughter that is very lovable and the more people that love her the better.

Please note, that I do not necessarily agree with the language that she uses with the kids and yes perhaps that needs to be addressed with her in a non confrontational way.

I personally have no issues with you posting here or being on this board but as a favour to all, including yourself, please don't put us Step Moms down or degrade us or make us out to be the "Evil Step Moms" as we already (in most cases) have our own BMs that do that quite enough to us and do come here for support and advice on how best to overcome these issues and stereotypes.

Being a Step Mom is a very difficult job as we do know that these children have a mom already, that they are not "ours" biologically. There is a very fine line (and forgive me step moms if I am putting words in your mouths that you don't agree with) that us step moms do try hard not to cross. We don't want to replace you, and in most cases, would love to have an amicable (and I don't mean we always want to be BFF's) relationship with the BM's in the best interests of the child(ren). We don't bad mouth BM's to the kids or put them down, or make you out to be horrible, please don't do it to your daughter's step mom.

PS That was a very thoughtful thing you did - the basket when the new baby arrived. I made Mother's day cards with my SK's - a collage of pictures of them (no adults in the pics) doing all sorts of different activities, this was my attempt at showing her that we did think about BM at our house, and that I was not trying to replace her. She threw the cards out because they were pictures of things the kids did with us (note: I went to all the aunties, grandma's and moms to try and find a picture of her with each of the kids to put in the card and no-one had one)

Holly - posted on 08/17/2009

Quoting rhonda:

i agree she cant see the forest for the trees i would never let that happen in my home be it his or mine, she will learn the hard way same with my ex he is blind to what current wifey is up to and personally as to the other post to yours i dont have a problem with you being in here so if given grief hit me up in regular mess its nice to see a bio mom try to be nice to a step mom i know i damn sure dont get that treatment but good luck with it

I honestly wouldn't mind if she came on here and said something positive or geniunley tried to reach out to stepmoms (her kid's sm included). It's the fact that she came onto OUR community and tried telling US what to do (even though she profeses to not do that in real life!). In her original post, I saw not one shred of positivity on stepmothers in general. she was treating us all like the step mom in her case and not like the individuals we are. She does not know each of our situations and I do not appreciate being lectured on a community I go to for help and understanding from people who understand me and the situation I am in.

Go ahead and say I'm a mean person for saying that, I don't care. I just want this to be an environment where I can come without fear of being attacked and berrated for being who I am - a stepmom (and a darn good one at that!).

Kerri - posted on 08/17/2009

Does it matter if a bio mum is on this post? where she genuinly wants to be on this post or spying? It doesn't really matter. If someone doesn't want something read then don't post on a public forum. I am a Step-mum and couldn't care less if there was bio-mums on here or my partners kids mother

Rhonda - posted on 08/17/2009

i agree she cant see the forest for the trees i would never let that happen in my home be it his or mine, she will learn the hard way same with my ex he is blind to what current wifey is up to and personally as to the other post to yours i dont have a problem with you being in here so if given grief hit me up in regular mess its nice to see a bio mom try to be nice to a step mom i know i damn sure dont get that treatment but good luck with it

Holly - posted on 08/17/2009

Quoting Betty :

Why are you on here if you are not a step mom? Spying on some one? You need to get out of this group. This group is for step moms not spies.

THANK YOU BETTY JEAN!!! i was thinking just that. this is a place for STEPmoms to go to eachother for help and advice. we need somewhere to vent! if there was a group for bio moms whose kids have steps i would not go on there to see if MY daughter's bio mom was on there!

i think bio moms should be grateful that there are women out there willing to do anything and everything for these children. it takes a strong woman to be a stepmom and i think we should be recognized, not ground into the dirt in OUR OWN COMMUNITY by an OUTSIDER who isn't even a stepmom! annoying...

Betty - posted on 08/17/2009

Why are you on here if you are not a step mom? Spying on some one? You need to get out of this group. This group is for step moms not spies.

Betty - posted on 08/17/2009

As a step mom I find that there is a certain lingo when communicating with the birth mother. I never say ours in front of her always his. I say I want to make sure he gets to raise HIS daughter and get all the visitation HE can legally get. When talking to anyone else she is ours and the visitation is for both of us.

Kimberley - posted on 08/17/2009

Oh no I don't take your response as an attack. It was very well written and obviously from the heart. There's more to my story as my ex-husband physically abused our daughter and the stepmom was in the house...did nothing. He pleaded guilty to domestic violence and blames me for the whole situation. She's 10 yrs younger than both of us and can't see the forest for the trees. She doesn't realize that their daughter will be subject to his bs just like mine was and who will be there for her? I appreciate your honesty and candor because I'm not a stepmon and would like us all to just get along for the sake of the kids.

Rhonda - posted on 08/17/2009

okay i dont intend to attack you in anyway i actually sit on both sides of this particular fense as a bio mom and a step mom first i will say it was thoughtful of you to think of the step mom after the birth of there baby, i will explain my situation a little bit my ex husband is on wife number three and she is a real piece of work and im not saying this to be hateful i can back this up in the beginnng she came to me and said she wasnt trying to be there mom but he (being the ex) needed a woman in his life so ok a year down the road she is blocking my attempts at being there mom and got the dad in on it also needless to say two years of court has changed alot my children especially the younger two hate her they dont even want to see there dad because of her and what she has turned him into they also have a child together which i feel bad for because she was only a pawn in a very sick game being played by this woman, ok when my kids are with them and when he was with wife number 2 i was reassured by the fact that they treated my children as if they were thiers i may be diffrent from other bio moms i really didnt want the drama and what not that comes with all the bs , so flip it i am step mom to two girls who there dad has custody of i have raised them for the past 8 years and i have had alot and i mean alot of grief from the biomom she has shelled out lots of money for fines that if she would of acted like an adult instead of a child would not have been neccasary , i do more for her girls in a week than what she has done in a lfie time, we had clothes issues not quite the same as the uniforms ours never wore uniforms but we would send in good clothes and get old clothes full of holes back and needless to say she only pays 50 a month child support for both girls we do everything for them i do treat them as mine i know they have a mother and i am not trying to be there mother but i have raised them for 8 years and i love them in my heart they are mine to i dont try to push her out she does a good enough job of that on her own her children see her for what she is really and yes i did walk into this relationship knowing there were children involved and no they didnt pick me he did but in the end no offense against bio mom they will know who was there for them growing up we are a completely blended family theres a yours and mine but no ours we have 5 kids between us so once again i am not attacking you i just sit both sides of this situation and wanted to express my opioion on this