Sherri - posted on 08/19/2009 ( 25 moms have responded )
My SS's biomom is a dead beat. Over the last couple of months, biomom's pauses between phone calls have been becoming less frequent and her absences at activities have become worse as well (to the point that SS(12 years old) has busted her in 4 different lies about the exact same parade).
My SS is always upset when he gets off the phone with her. Last week, she called and grilled him about "do you miss me? do you love me?" and even went as far as to bring his 7 month old sister into it (whom he hasn't seen since May) and said "do you know that your sister misses you? do you know that? when are you going to see her". She's also holding his birthday money ransom for no other reason than to tell him he'll get it when he sees her.
So, as you can imagine, my SS is increasingly bitter towards his mother. It seemed to throw him over the edge when she did the sister thing.
To understand the question, you have to know this... there's a really old movie... it's about a lady with adopted kids. She hits the kids with a coat hanger and the kids say "please don't beat me mommy dearest". So, I started that with my mom. Every time she was mad at me, I'd sad "I'm sorry mommy dearest, please don't beat me with the coat hanger. I still say it to this day.
So, now to to root... my SS has said the "I'm sorry mommy dearest, please don't beat me with a coat hanger" thing since the first time he heard me do it with my mom. He used to say "step-mommy dearest," but lately, he's dropped the "step". He's called me mom a couple of times lately when he's been upset as well and used the mom word again when I was talking to him about back-to-school shopping.
Here's the problem:
I'm not his mother and not his substitute mom everytime something goes wrong with his mother. This isn't to say that I don't care, but I want him to learn how to stand up for himself and deal with the issues caused by his mother. I have a "dad" that is not my biological dad, but I call him dad because I made the choice that he was my dad in every way that counted and did not call him "dad" only when I was mad at my father. So, if my SS is doing this on purpose, do I address it? If so, I need to tread lightly. I don't want him to feel as though I'm rejecting him.
This situation is very delicate.... a few weeks ago, I told him he wasn't allowed ice cream at 10pm and he screamed at me that I didn't care about what he wanted and that I'm just like his mother (uncaring).