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Stepson vs son

Adrienne - posted on 04/26/2010 ( 1 mom has responded )

22

46

Hey all,

I have a dilemma and I'm not quite sure if what I'm going through is normal...

I have a 13 yr old stepson and a newborn son of 3 months. During my pregnancy, my feelings towards my stepson has changed. Especially since my husband would tell his son all my personal feelings and insecurities and secrets. Also, the feelings that I have towards my son has ust totally blown me away.

Since giving birth, my stepson's behavior has driven me absolutly crazy. When I do something for my son, he gets pouty and whines that he didn't get that when he was a baby. His father only gets involved with my son when HIS son is either at his mom's or if he's asleep. I have tried to include my stepson in my son's life, however it always turns into something about him (stepson) also, I don't really trust my stepson anymore around my son. When he was still a newborn, he would hold my son but forget to support his head. It got to the point that the only time or way my stepson could hold my son is if someone was sitting right beside him to hold my son's head. My stepson too has always been slow (not mentally handicapped slow, just...well, turtle slow LOL) and he has been, up to now, used to being the only focus of attention. He lives with us full time and his mother spoils him rotten (attention-wise). We're the "strict" parents and he plays that card to his mom and his grandparents. My hubby knows that he's acting out some jealousy but hasn't addressed the issue and won't bring it up when we talk. I don't like feeling this way because my son is missing out on valuable bonding time with my stepson...but is it normal to just...not trust him? And it's been about 6-7 months that I feel as if I'm going through the motions of being a stepmom...not just because of my maternal feelings that exploded...but because of his attitude that just disgusts me...

Has anyone else gone through this?

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Mandie - posted on 04/26/2010

2,546

24

Adrienne,

I cant relate exactly b/c my SS's are pretty good with my babies. This sounds like it's an important safety thing so maybe you could negotitate with him- like say 'you get to hold him by yourself when you can prove that you can remember how to keep him safe, if you cant do that then we must help you so it's up to you how we do this.' Then you can put the onus back on him and not make yourselves into the bad guys. He is 13, he is developmentally capable of doing this.



But I do completely get the attention-seeking and 'turtle-slow' things you are going through. It does drive you mad but probably the only solution is to get your hubby to spend some alone- time with him- even if it's only an hour here and there. 1stly it will stop the whiney attutde and 2ndly you can then address it by saying 'Ok buddy well you've got your special time with dad- make the most of it'

If he whines about what he did and didnt get as a baby I would say something like"Well you know buddy I wasn't there at the time so I cant do much about it now but here in this house we all get what we can afford, this time it might be your brother's turn, next time it might be yours"

And with the slowness, we had this too b/c their mum pretty much let them rule her. I basically put it to them like this "Not responding when I'm talking to you or asking you to do something is disrespectful and respect goes both ways, I respect you by caring for you when you stay here, I would like the same in return.' And if he cant do so, you can start up punishments- small things like no TV etc and scale it up if you have to. My boys quickly learned I meant business.

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