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Teenage SS

Jacquelynn - posted on 03/23/2009 ( 3 moms have responded )

I have a 14yr old SS who, I believe, resents me for being with his father. BM and DH divorced 6yrs ago. BM left and SS still has hope for the reuniting. I didn't come into picture until 3 1/2 yrs ago. But he still acts like I took his father from mother. I have tried to be nice to him and we have had pretty good conversations. It seems like as soon as I think things are going good it backfires. SS goes through these phases where he just has total attitude and I want to go upside his head.

My house is in an up roar most of the time. I have two SSs 12 and 14, two BSs 12 and 7, and one BD 1yr. My DH and I both feel that he needs to stay with us, but at times I want to send him back to BM. BM is not stable. My DH works and I stay at home so I deal with them all the time. He gets frustrated because he is trying to provide a stable and loving home for his children. I feel bad because I am really trying to do the best I can, but I think that it is too little too late. They were never really raised with responsibility. When my youngest SS was diagnosed with diabetes that made things worse. The BM felt bad and they were given any and everything they wanted. I understand the situation, but you can't buy a cure. I knew he needed, even more so, to be responsible.

When they came to actually live with us it was hell. Anything I asked them to do they would ask my son to help them with. They asked for help with the simplest thing as sweeping the floor or taking out the garbage.They don't even know how to make their beds properly, well they do but they just don't. My son was not used to that, he did everything himself cuz there was no one else. I feel they are too old for me to try to undo all the bad habits, but I want my house cleaned.

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Kerri - posted on 03/24/2009

134

Jacquelynn,

My best advice to you would be to not take your stepson's feelings personally. Any resentment that the stepson has is probably not directed at you, rather directed at the situation he is in. All children of divorce fantasize that their parents will eventually get back together. They even sometimes work out schemes in their heads to try to help facilitate these arrangements. Once he sees a continuous stable relationship between you and his father, eventually those feelings will subside.

I dont think it is too late to teach the children responsibility. It may be harder at their age but I still think they can pick it up. Maybe you could make a chore list that sets out daily expectations of what they are to do. It might be a good idea to try to completely separate them from your son when it is time for their chores so they can't ask him for help. We dont allow our chidlren any privileges until their chores are done, beds are made, etc. This has worked really well for us in the past. Teenagers always have somewhere they want to go or a ballgame to go to or a friend to come over, etc. The rule here is that NOTHING happens until your chores are all done and done correctly. I hope some of this is helpful to you! Good luck!

Go Away - posted on 03/24/2009

Sounds like my 13y/o SS who vowed when his Dad and I got married to make me go away and 3 years later he is still trying about half the time, the only consolation that I have is that in one of his better moments he admitted that it is not me.....it would have been anybody his Dad married. He lives with us and spends every other weekend with his Mom he also has a younger sister who stays with her mom but comes to us every other weekend. When his Dad is around he acts all nice but when it is just me and him it is totally different trying to order me around, calls me B*** and tells me to shut up, will turn the TV off when I am watching a show and keep turning it off until the show is over, leaves everything where he drops it until Dad pulls into the drive then he hurries and gets it all picked up before Dad makes it into the house, which means there is often dirty laundry laying on the living room floor, and dirty dishes all over the place all day When I say anything to his Dad he either claims I am lying or tells his Dad that it was just a joke and I have no sense of humor. It is starting to cause problems between Dad and me because it seems I am always complaining about this child who is so nice to me when his Dad is here. I try to ignore most of the bad behavior but it is hard to do sometimes. His mom had primary custody of him until he was 8 and instead of disciplining him when he did something wrong she whipped out the camera and took pictures of him misbehaving there are pictures of a 6 year old climbing up to swing on a fan, pictures of a 4 year old inside the microwave stuff like that and even now she still thinks his bad behavior is cute and funny and he knows it, but at the same time he had gotten so out of control that she sent him to live with his dad because at 8 he was destroying her stuff in retaliation when she finally decided that he had gone too far. She told him that he was the only child she really wanted and the other 3 where mistakes and I think that has something to do with his attitude. I am dreading summer vacation when it is me and him home all day every day. I do not know how to tell my husband how bad it is with out coming off like some kind of a witch.
Sorry its long I needed to vent

Angel - posted on 03/24/2009

they might know how to do those things...but as long as you are there to do it, they wont.

As far as the attitudes. IGNORE:)

I have 3 step sons...9,11,14. And my Dgtr 11.

Their mom cheated and is getting married the week before our late ceremony, married last April in the Courthouse.

Stand tall, take no guff. And if dad is upset at all about dissapline, let him do it. Just IGNORE.

Good luck Step mom