The Ex from hell

Lisa - posted on 02/23/2009 ( 48 moms have responded )

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Why is it that ex wives cannot let go?? They still need the constant fighting, the constant attention.



My partner is fantastic, he gets on really well with my two cholidren and he has 3 of his own. They are great - the ex is a lunatic though. She phones and texts him at every opportunity usually to start a fight about nothing - which believe me can go on for hours. If she is not centre of attention then she will make herself, she even took an overdose...



About 3 months ago she threw the two older girls out - they are 18 and 15 and i just dont get it.



Every time the phone goes off i feel sick waiting for the next outburst. They have been seperated for 3 years and we have been together for 2.



When will it stop

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Heidi - posted on 03/04/2009

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The bio dad is suppose to come and see my son every other week, but he chooses not to.  We do have a court order, but he doesn't go by it.  I am all for my sons father being a part of his life, but he just chooses not to come and visit and he chooses not to come birthdays, Christmas, and so on.  My son feels neglected by his father.  I have never once told my son he doesn't have a stepmom or half sisters.  He is more then welcome to visit them and call them when he chooses, but the more time that passes without seeing that part of his family the further he drifts away from them.   I just want for his father to stand up and be a father to his only son.  My son has a wonderful step father, but I would like for my son to have a good relationship with his bio dad also.  I have even told my son in the past that he is very lucky to have so many parents that care about him, but I can't say that anymore because my son feels abandon by his father.  Its been over 7 months since my son has seen his father, and to me that is unaccpetable.  I know what its like to loose out on a bio dad, but I am lucky to have such a wonderful stepdad.  I just want for my sons father to take the time to get to know his only son...

Heidi - posted on 03/03/2009

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YOu can only be a stepmom if you are a part of the childs life. You and your husband choose not to be a part of my sons life.  I am not stalking you out.  I happen to been on the Circle of Moms for the same reasons you are. To get advice, but when I come across the stuff you write I have to laugh.  You make it seem like you are the ideal stepmom and I am the wicked witch.  I am a true stepmom, whereas you aren't.  I have my stepson living with me for the past 6years out 8 of years that I have been married.  You have seen my son 3 times in the last year.  Supposidly you guys are to busy to see my son, but there is always time for you guys to be with your daughters. You always put the blame on me.  Your husband is to come every other week to see his son and he chooses not to.  Oh but you know all this because I have said it a number of times. I might as well talk to a wall. So go and think you are the best stepmom out there all you want.  I don't care.  All of my boys tell me on a regular basis that they love me and wouldn't want anyone to ever take my place.  I am on this forum because I am a real stepmom that has my stepson and bio sons living with me.  A stepparent in my eyes is only a real stepparent if they are a part of the childs life. 

Becky - posted on 03/02/2009

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I have been there, i have been married to my husband for nearly 11 years who has 2 boys with his ex and there are nearly 14 and 15 and it has been a nightmare at times. I think it is a control thing they don't want there ex's but they don't want anybody else to have them. For my situation i am always in the wrong and every thing is down to me, but you do learn not to care about what she thinks and it becomes water off a ducks back.



It doesn't stop but it gets easier to deal with as long as you and your partner stick together and deal with things together.x

Krystyl - posted on 03/02/2009

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 It may not, if you and your husband let it happen(if he lets her scream at him for hours,...)  . remember, both of your opinions count and there is nothing she can do to you that courts cannot fix.



 



bio-mom in our situation is the same way, sometimes she seems top be an unmedicated Bi-polar... very sweet and pleasant one moment and conniving and biotchy the next. ... she cheated on my man constanlty while they were together ( sometimes in the very house they were living in) now she is constnantly blaming my man for 'leaving her' ..and his son,.... though she is remarried and seemingly happy.

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I'm so so so glad I'm not the only one dealing with a difficult ex! My husband's ex got pregnant right near the end of their relationship and didn't tell him she was pregnant with his child until 6 months later. When we first started dating (the baby was about a month old), she became very jealous and tried to sabotage our relationship, to the point where we did break up but luckily he figured out pretty quick what she was doing. For the first few months of my stepdaughter's life things were going ok between them but then the ex started saying that she was going to move out of state and take the baby with her so we had to sue her for joint custody, and include many, many provisions that would guarantee that we would still get to see my stepdaughter half the time and close any and all loopholes. Between the time she got the first court papers and when they finally got a custody arrangement from the courts (a few months, it SUCKED!!!) she wouldn't let my husband see his daughter more than once a week, sometimes not even that.



 



 At every turn she is still doing everything she can to inconvience us and make our lives miserable, even using the child and our families as a pawn to get whatever she wants. It's so incredibly hard to be the bigger person and not just let her have it the way she deserves! There is so so so much more to the story but it's too long and complicated to tell here. Plus, we are still going through the courts to get a more fair custody arrangement and boy oh boy it's hell. But, in the end, I've got a wonderful, sweet, loving, adorable 2 year old stepdaughter whom I love to pieces! And we are working on making her a big sister!

Di - posted on 03/12/2009

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Aren't I the lucky one. I have absolutely no contact with my bm. After she assaulted me she was put on a restraining order and we have had no contact since then. Lucky she pleaded guilty so that we didn't have to face each other in court. My husband hasn't been able to talk to her on the phone without it ending in a name calling screaming match, and thankfully now, he only deals with her through email. O and the occassional disgusting txt. Karma ladies, just remember that. Your so right Schelly, don't stoop to her level. People will believe what they want to believe and just because she acts nice as pie doesn't mean that they believe the crap she is feeding them. Eventually, because it is an act, the glitter will start to fall off and she will start to show her true colours. Just hold your head up and don't get caught up in it. Eventually people will also get sick of her bitching and give her a wide berth. I know it doesn't seem like it, but after 3 years, my situation has improved enormously and all the people that she tried to turn against me have nothing to do with her and are nice to me. So hang in there, don't let her get to you. If she does, she wins.

Schelly - posted on 03/12/2009

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I can't believe how many other step-mom's are in the same situation as I am.  I always thought my husband and I were alone in all of this.  Guess not, my husband’s ex-wife is the same way one minute she will be really nice kissing your ass then the next minute she is completely bi-polar.  Actually my husband and I think she actually is, because of her mood swings and the stuff she comes up with we have no idea where she gets it.  It's completely out there the stuff she says.  It's just not normal for a person to be that way.  She seriously needs to be medicated and we are not the only people that think that.  She constantly hurts our son by saying mean things to him all the time, when he doesn't act or do exactly what she wants.  Some of the things she has said to him he has told us that he will never forget because they are so hurtful.  But when we are at his baseball games she put on a show, she acts like she is the perfect mom and she actually has allot of the other parents fooled.  It makes me sick; I just want them to see the real mean and hateful person she is.   And to top it off she has been bad mouthing my husband and I to the other parents.  My husband and I would like to tell them the truth about who she really is, but we don't want to stoop to her level. 



 



 

Denise - posted on 03/12/2009

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WOW! I am so happy I joined this group!!! I thought I was the only one who had to deal with a crazy ex!!  My poor fiance has to deal with lies and arguments all the time! I feel so bad for him and his boys! She lives at home with her parents gets a ton of money from him every month, has bill collectors after her so bad that he has judgements of his credit, but she is the "victim" Like he did all of this to her and she was the "perfect wife" they have been divorced for almost 3 years and it is still like an open wound to her. We have moved on with our lives and our just trying to raise our kids together. I really wish she would do the same! Just move on...but after reading these posts it does not look like it will be anytime soon...

Lee-Anne - posted on 03/12/2009

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There is no denying that this woman needs help, a psychiatrist at that, for the sake of you two and the two older girls. There are all kinds of problems that can arise from this but it has affected the two older girls that can have some serious issues later in life with relationships with you and others.
If she can't get that help, then I don't think that you can help her, i should. She is acting more like a child than her own children. Wish I could say something nice, but the truth hurts and the last thing you want is those older girls affected any more...

Angie - posted on 03/12/2009

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I agree, it does become water off a ducks back, my SD's BM is the same way, not a day goes by that she doesn't call for something. Whether it be a broken toilet or she's sick, all she has accomplished is making my husband dislike her more than when they split, lol.

Aimi - posted on 03/12/2009

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I hope you get the support back ! In Texas if you live with someone for any length of time it is common law. We are hoping to get her on that too. and get the Alimony back. I wish you all the best.~ A

Heather - posted on 03/12/2009

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our drama is getting ready to get worse cuz we found out she made more than him a year and she made the comment my child can do with out.. so.. my finace took her back for child support re eval hes carrying insurnace on themnow too so hopefully today it will go down that will really burn her ass lol :)

Aimi - posted on 03/12/2009

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Omg i am so glad i joined this group i thought i was so alone.

My husbands ex left him for someone claiming to be Mathew Perry from the TV show friends on My space, Then fell for the actor on 24. She kidnapped he kids and stole his car and took all his money while he was in school in the Army. That was Dec 2007. we began living together in March 2008 and married in Nov. 2008. Since then we have full custody of his 2 boys and she has supervised visits. We had to have the MPs take her away the last time she saw the boys. She stalked us to texas in October 2008 saying she had found God and he showed her a sign that she needed to be here because he stopped the rain in WV from hurricane Ike.At first she went to the base Chaplin and told him a sob story and his command was going to try to give her the kids until they found out that she has had cps and others on her about how she treated the boys. The contacted the Judge and he said you will not and cannot override my decision. She then told my husband she was going to prostitute herself and then commit suicide because we were adulterers. She threatened my life and my ss lived in fear of being kidnapped again we had MPs on call and they had a safe house ready for us if she came to the house. She calls on the 15th of each month for her 100.00 that the judge gave her because she was in an homeless shelter with the boys.

She will call and scream that i am older than my husband and I am a whore and a bitch an an adulteress. She try's to get info from the boys about where the bus picks them up the time etc . when she wants her money she is sweet as pie, then once she has it she screams . She has not talked to the boys since January. Our oldest has PTSD from all this and when he talks to her he pees his pants and now has issues with messing his pants. The boys are afraid of everything they lock the doors when they prepare for bed in fear she will try to take them. They tell us of abuse of beating with metal spatulas and being drugged to sleep (confirmed by my husbands grandmother with whom she stayed for a while) they talk of her committing suicide because she was always calling and saying in front of them I am killing myself bury me tomorrow. The Army tried to have her committed but she ran away. She "home schooled the boys and our 8 year old is just learning to read and our 10 year old is starting to get closer to the grade he is in . I am teaching youngest to tie his shoes in the 3rd grade!!! I can only hope once the year is up for Alimony she will disappear like she did for her other 2 kids that she abandoned. I have a good relationship with my ex it took a long time but i don't see this happening with her. we have had to file bankruptcy for all the crap she bought one was 400.00 in candles at a candle party. and over 2k in bad checks. and so much more. So please anyone tell me how to handle this? I am in a constant state of stress. thank you for listening Aimi

[deleted account]

How can a fight go on for hours if your husband refuses to engage in one?



I put my foot down when my husband and I were dating, as sometimes when children are involved the parents remain too constantly involved w/ one another day to day.  It took time but eventually he was able to separate.  We achieved it w/ lots of discussion between him and me....not his ex.  It was important for me to not give ultimatums and to let him know his daughter's well being was important, but appeasing her mother wasn't, and it was time to draw the emotional line there.



I'd gently suggest solving this problem and drawing boundaries is your husband's responsibility, with your support.  The stress on you isn't worth getting involved in the drama.  Who says he has to answer that phone??

Christine - posted on 03/11/2009

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I completely understand. My husband's ex would do the same thing when we were first together. It would make me really upset and I wouldn't talk to him for a while cause I felt like he was being just as stupid as she was. When I was calmed down I told him that I didn't like it. Now, if she wants to start a fight over something dumb, he ignores the phone. If the phone keeps going off he shuts it off.
As for the children's saftey, is there a chance of going back to court for custody? It doesn't sound like she is in the best state of mind to be taking care of children. She threw them out and took an overdose.

Becky - posted on 03/10/2009

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My husband and I are still in an uphill battle with his ex. We have been together 6 years, he has 4 kids with her, ss 10&9, sd 13&12. She has done some horrible and cruel things to my hubby. In fact she kept us from the kids for 9 months, moved and didn't notify us, even had someone answer the phone number we had and said that it wasn't their number when in fact it was. We live 12 hours(2 states) away from them. I demanded my husband go find them and look for a good lawyer. Well he found them and on his way home they magically called us from the number they had. We finally got our court case and he got joint custody of the kids(he had none before). Two summers ago we got to bring the kids to our house to spend the summer, well 3 of them(the oldest boy is disabled and she says the doctors say he cant leave the state, but we have documentation stating otherwise, another battle not finished) One of the kids decided to live with us and this last summer another one has decided to also live with us. We are now in the process of having me adopt them. She has decided to give up her rights, funny seeing how she fought and fought for so long. The eldest girl my husband actually adopted when she was a baby, the ex is now with her birth father and she wants to have his last name again. It is her choice and my husband has agreed to it. Our battle is with his disabled son. We feel he is constantly not at home because she doesn't want to take care of him. So we are still trying to get full custody of him so he can live with us. Now that she has given up her right she has cut herself off from the kids that live with us. She has even cut their sister off from them. How insane.



All I can say to you Lisa is to stay true to yourself . Our ex seems to get more frustrated if we stay perfectly calm with her and not feed into her rage. Hopefully one day she will learn that she needs to leave well enough alone.

Karla - posted on 03/10/2009

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I totally understand. I think my husbands ex and your husbands ex are related. We finally had to block her number from our phone. It is a constant battle. I will be so glad when my step daughter turns 18 and hopefully goes off to college. Hopefully no more ex wife probs?????

Marilyn - posted on 03/09/2009

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Some of these BioMom's have boyfriend's but when their ex has a girlfriend - they freak out - its weird - this happened to me. Her last boyfriend - told us that she was so mad when her ex got a girlfriend and he asked her why-because she had him as a boyfreind - she couldn't answer. She just can't let go for some reason - I don't get it. I don't bother talking to her or responding to anything. Her only concern is money as well - she keeps bringing up the child support in all of her emails - which my husband pays when he is supposed to and according to the guidelines- but she wants more. She also doesn't like that their son is close to me - so she has put a stop to him talking to me on the phone when he calls or when my husband calls (he's 7). Good luck all - its very frustrating.

Heather - posted on 03/08/2009

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i agree... it never really bothered me her being like she is till i had my daughter then when said make the comment about my daughter doing with out so her kids could have after all the extra money i gave her when we 1st got together and me watching her kids and stuff when i was off till i started working 80 hrs a week and realised she made good money and stopped that too then i was a piece of crap so.. ive come to realise they are all out for two things money and making us mad but ive come to realise that with in time the kids iwll see how she is unless they grow up to be like her...

Schelly - posted on 03/07/2009

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I don't think it will, because we have been dealing with my husbands ex-wife for 10 years now and it still hasn't stopped.  But now she is only allowed to email.  She is not allowed to call us unless it is an emergency.  Which has worked so far.  The reason we do it by email is because everything is in wrighting.  So if we ever had to go to court we have it writing.  What has been said, but my husbands ex-wife is the same she always has to be center of attention and she tries to control our lives too.  It's sad, she even says hurtful things to our son because she can't handle that we are closer to him than she is.  But our son is starting to see her in a different light.  See is starting to see her for who she truly is..  I hope things get better for you.

Cindy - posted on 03/07/2009

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I hope it eventually stops. I am going thru the same thing, except 9 times out of 10 she isn't trying to pick a fight with him she is saying inappropriate things to him and sending him nude pics to try to start a fight between he and I. At first I blamed him saying he had to be giving her reason to do it but I have monitored the phone records and he never responds. What gives?

Heather - posted on 03/07/2009

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i know what u mean love.... when we bought our house it was like that and now that we set our date she went and bought her own engagement ring from her new bf.. its like completion and it shouldnt be like that... i mean if me and my fiance dont work out i dont want to fight i might not like him but it is my daughters dad u know...she deserves to have a good relationship with her dad i wish some poeple would realise all they are doing is hurting the kids

Lisa - posted on 03/07/2009

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thank you for all your messages - i was beginning to think i was going mad - See im also a bio mum but i cant be bothered with arguing with my ex - he really is not worth it. My kids see there dad regularly and i may not like him but they do.



I couldnt belive that women could act like this - My partner and I have booked the date to get married and oh god............ thats opened a whole new can of worms.   They seem to be able to move on with their lives - she has a new partner and has just moved in with him but that still does not allow us the right to enjoy our lives.  I know she is not happy that I am around and believe me she is very vocal about it but i dont understand why she cant be happy that we have a 5 great kids between us and we get on great - Surely she should be happy that we get on so well...... I could sort of understand if i was the witch but im not......... 

Heather - posted on 03/05/2009

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yea hun i know what u mean... my finaces ex wife is takin him back to court for bills back to 05 because he wouldnt five it to her because seh wasnt carrying medical insurance like she was suppose to. i think its a thrill for them.. if u need anything im here.. keep ur head up..

Marilyn - posted on 03/05/2009

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My ex and I have tried to open the doors to his ex - but she will have nothing to do with it - she constantly wants an argument - so this is why there is a court order she cannot call our home. Email is the only source of communication and she can't do that properly either - calling my ex names within her email, etc. She also tries in her email to provoke an argument between me and my husband - this hasn't worked for her - we know her deal. It has been 3 1/2 years now for me - and things keep getting worse - hence the reason we are in court for sole custody - she lost sole custody last year and only got primary residence. Good luck all!!

Leaha - posted on 03/05/2009

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Quoting Sherri:



I've been married almost 6 years with my hubby - she's been married twice since the divorce over 10 years ago and she is still driving me crazy!  I think maybe its the kids - I wonder if the ex would still be a nut if there weren't any children involved. 






You are absolutely correct, in that it's the kids. If there were no kids envolved these exes would have nothing to fight with. It's sad that they have to use their children as fighting tools, but that's what some bio-moms choose to do. Most of the time, they are so wrapped up in trying to hurt the dad and new wife, that they don't even realize they are hurting their children instead...

Sherri - posted on 03/04/2009

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Quoting Rebecca:



My husband also had an "ex from hell" - she made our lives miserable, despite the fact that she was living with someone else (she left him), and had a child with someone else.  I let him deal with her in his own way for a few years - I just made myself available to him and my step daughter to pick up the pieces.  We (my husband and I ) made the decision early on that all of us, my bio children and his bio daughter were a family.  The kids adapted well, and became as close as any other siblings (my step daughter loved having an older sister and brother).  After a short time, "the ex" began to enjoy having my children over (usually to babysit), and they all got along well, but the hostility continued toward my husband and I.  She would not speak to me under any circumstances.  I continued to stay out of all of it - simply dropping my step daughter off as necessary, and not EVER making any comments about any of it.  My thought was that she would learn that having multiple sets of parents is a wonderful thing for a child (speaking both from my own experience as a child as well as my children having a step mother and step father).  Our situation got to the point where nasty voicemail messages were being left daily - usually more than 5 each day.  When I came home and found 23 very nasty messages - I phoned her myself.  Unfortunately, I had a bad day, and managed to explain exactly what I thought of her without any holdbacks.  After that, the voice mail stopped, but, the non-acknowledgement of me continued - I assumed it would last forever, and really wasn't bothered by it.  Throughout this time, my husband always maintained a relationship with his ex-wife's second child (my step daughters half brother).  His thought is that nothing is the child's fault, and he was to young to understand that his sister had a different dad - he just wanted to do some of the things his sister did.  My husband would take him fishing, bring him over to our house for family get togethers, and christmas parades.  He is a sweet kid, and it was wonderful to have a little boy around again.  After my children passed the babysitting stage, my husbands ex needed a sitter - we were the logical choice, although there was still no acknowledgement of me.  That ended when the little boy asked us to take him camping with us.  He desperately wanted to go.  I told my husband it would be good for him - he could fish with my husband as much as he wanted that week.  The only problem was that due to my husband working, and us leaving in the middle of the night - I would have to pick him up.  When I arrived, "the ex" was going to continue the non-acknowledgement.  I decided at that point that it had to end.  I made the first move, and kept it casual.  She had no escape - she couldn't ignore me.  She responded, and pleasantly at that.  After the camping, I made sure she had copies of the pictures - all emailed so that she could make copies as needed.  By putting all of those issues behind, I opened a door that she could come through.  We are now at the point where we communicate wonderfully.  There is no more hostility and no drama.  I respect her as my step daughters bio mom, in the same way I expect from my children's step mom, and I thank her for letting me be a part of her son's life occasionally - its like watching my son grow again.  Although it seems like the Ex from hell will never end - it usually does, and if you open the doors, it usually happens faster.  I dealt with a mother who wouldn't let go when I was a child - I had to fight my own feelings with my children's step mother (who has no experience as a mother) to let go and enjoy the additional support.  I wouldn't wish my situation as a child on any child.  If you can open a door - DO IT NOW - you'll be very thankful you did.



 



 



Good for you! I've tried for years to be civil and friently - the most recent time I actually went up to her in front of her daughter and apologized for anything I may have done to hurt her or to be difficult, thanked her for the amazing children and told Her I hoped we could be friendly.  Nope - she continues to bad mouth me to anyone who will listen - this from the woman living with a honey half her age whom she left her 3rd husband for - but I'm the badguy!  I am truly glad to hear you've had more success!





 

Sherri - posted on 03/04/2009

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I've been married almost 6 years with my hubby - she's been married twice since the divorce over 10 years ago and she is still driving me crazy!  I think maybe its the kids - I wonder if the ex would still be a nut if there weren't any children involved. 

Shaffai - posted on 03/04/2009

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I'm sorry but I think you have a stalker! Aren't you the lucky one! I love how she boasts about what a step parent really is! She needs to understand someone can always do it better! I hope things work out for you and your husband...never forget that your step son will come searching for you regardless of past issues! Be there waiting for him when he gets there! Good luck to you!

Shaffai - posted on 03/04/2009

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Get used to this disgusting behavior! It seems to be in the water, as my husbands ex has also thrown out his kids ages 19 and 17! She has admitted proudly that she won't help the youngest with college tuition either...mind you after 900$ a month still gets sent to her bank account! Ugh the insanity...! However, your situation seems a bit more ridiculous, OVERDOSING? Is she for real? Being a christian woman, it's hard for me to say, but I'm gonna say it anyways, tell her "I dare you!" Either "put up or shut up!" I know that sounded awful...but for pete's sake? This woman sounds extremely jaded, and you know what they say, misery loves company! Don't accept anymore of her invitations to her pity parties.....your not responsible for this woman, so stop concerning yourself with her crazy unstable issues. Love your step children with all that you have, for love is unconditional....as for when will it end.....hmm....either when the kids are finally BOTH eightteen out from underneath her thumb.....and or when she finally decides to get a life of her own. Stay strong and well, and let her idiocy be like water off your back!

Kerry - posted on 03/04/2009

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I completely agree. I have been in the same boat for 9 years. SDs are 16 and 19. One more year to go. We are now in the midst of planning a wedding for the 19 year old and let me tell you that has be no picnic either. You think things will get better when they turn 18, but you are just faced with new issues.

Rebecca - posted on 03/04/2009

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My husband also had an "ex from hell" - she made our lives miserable, despite the fact that she was living with someone else (she left him), and had a child with someone else.  I let him deal with her in his own way for a few years - I just made myself available to him and my step daughter to pick up the pieces.  We (my husband and I ) made the decision early on that all of us, my bio children and his bio daughter were a family.  The kids adapted well, and became as close as any other siblings (my step daughter loved having an older sister and brother).  After a short time, "the ex" began to enjoy having my children over (usually to babysit), and they all got along well, but the hostility continued toward my husband and I.  She would not speak to me under any circumstances.  I continued to stay out of all of it - simply dropping my step daughter off as necessary, and not EVER making any comments about any of it.  My thought was that she would learn that having multiple sets of parents is a wonderful thing for a child (speaking both from my own experience as a child as well as my children having a step mother and step father).  Our situation got to the point where nasty voicemail messages were being left daily - usually more than 5 each day.  When I came home and found 23 very nasty messages - I phoned her myself.  Unfortunately, I had a bad day, and managed to explain exactly what I thought of her without any holdbacks.  After that, the voice mail stopped, but, the non-acknowledgement of me continued - I assumed it would last forever, and really wasn't bothered by it.  Throughout this time, my husband always maintained a relationship with his ex-wife's second child (my step daughters half brother).  His thought is that nothing is the child's fault, and he was to young to understand that his sister had a different dad - he just wanted to do some of the things his sister did.  My husband would take him fishing, bring him over to our house for family get togethers, and christmas parades.  He is a sweet kid, and it was wonderful to have a little boy around again.  After my children passed the babysitting stage, my husbands ex needed a sitter - we were the logical choice, although there was still no acknowledgement of me.  That ended when the little boy asked us to take him camping with us.  He desperately wanted to go.  I told my husband it would be good for him - he could fish with my husband as much as he wanted that week.  The only problem was that due to my husband working, and us leaving in the middle of the night - I would have to pick him up.  When I arrived, "the ex" was going to continue the non-acknowledgement.  I decided at that point that it had to end.  I made the first move, and kept it casual.  She had no escape - she couldn't ignore me.  She responded, and pleasantly at that.  After the camping, I made sure she had copies of the pictures - all emailed so that she could make copies as needed.  By putting all of those issues behind, I opened a door that she could come through.  We are now at the point where we communicate wonderfully.  There is no more hostility and no drama.  I respect her as my step daughters bio mom, in the same way I expect from my children's step mom, and I thank her for letting me be a part of her son's life occasionally - its like watching my son grow again.  Although it seems like the Ex from hell will never end - it usually does, and if you open the doors, it usually happens faster.  I dealt with a mother who wouldn't let go when I was a child - I had to fight my own feelings with my children's step mother (who has no experience as a mother) to let go and enjoy the additional support.  I wouldn't wish my situation as a child on any child.  If you can open a door - DO IT NOW - you'll be very thankful you did.

Luisa - posted on 03/04/2009

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Be optimistic, I have been with my husband for just about 7 yrs now and have to deal with quite the amount of bologne.  There are 2 stepkids involved.  We have tried every kind of peaceful communication with her and it has failed horribly.  The only option left is court, which we don't really want to drag the kids' mother through, no matter how bad we think of her.  I do believe the effort to be the center of attention is a constant game for her, but there is a way to rise above the game, and live your life, by not buying into her efforts to destroy the happiness her ex-husband has found, and that I believe is truly the root of all nagging efforts on her part.  It will stop when you reclaim you independence from her, and stand up for your right to live your own life with out her control, and when you truly realize that, you and your husband are truly free of her harrassments.  Hopefully this helps.

Michelle - posted on 03/04/2009

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i am a step mother even though i only see my stepkids 2-3 times a year. i treat them as im going to treat our child when hes their age. we cant help that we dnt see the kids more oftn. they live 12 hrs away. my partner wrks 12 hrs a day with only one day off a fortnight n when, except for christmas we do not have the time to go and see them, it is impossible. we try to call on a regular basis but it would help if the biomum picked up the phone or told us which number she is using, ( for sum reason she needs two numbers??). atm we're going through a very rough patch where she told us the kids, (7,9) were going great at school. we asked for a copy of their last semesters report cards but she says she hasnt recieved them, ( the school handed them out 4mnths ago). we've talked to the principal via email n he says she has recieved them. the school sent us a copy and we are disgusted at their reports. she still denies that she hasnt gotten them n that theyre not as bad as what we are saying. for all the lies sometimes it seems easier to give up. she has taught the kids to lie to us on the phone or the kids relay a simple question like have you been doing your homewrk back to her n await her awnser. she dosent make them awnser it themselves. we're not giving up on the kids but i can feel for the dad if he dosent want to see his son much if there is always tension between him and the biomum. its easier for him to step aside then cause more problems for the child by growing up with argumentative parents n having the child feel as though he has to choose between his parents. its a two way street, have a look in the mirror and make sure ur not doing anything thats stopping the father from seeing not his son but you

Becky - posted on 03/04/2009

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does your son feel like he is being abandoned by his father because he can sense that there are problems between you all, or is it that he wants to keep you happy so he say these things.

My two ss have had horrible childhoods and we didn't see them for a year and there mother told them we didn't want to see them which was rubbish, that they hated me which was rubbish. If they saw us in the street they wouldn't speak to us, not because they felt abandoned but because they were scared of there mother. Kids always believe there mothers and want to please them.

But kids do wise up in the end they still love there mother unconditionally even after every thing they have gone through, my eldest ss now lives with us and the other one wants to but is not yet ready to make the break from his mum.

The boys mother never included me in anything although i was and still am very much a part of there lives.

Heidi you said you have tried to include your ex but have you made jamie feel welcome as she is part of your sons life too.

Dawn - posted on 03/04/2009

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Quoting Heidi:



Its been a never ending battle, and it must seem like I hate the stepmom, but really I don't.  I just wish she would help her husband realize what he is missing out on, and that would be his son.





 



 



If you really want Jamie on 'your team" then you should act like it.  She has no control over her husband.    She can suggest and help and do whatever but he is the one who makes the final decision.



Do you think that if you could get along with her that might help to encourage him?  Maybe he stays away from his son because of the constant problems.  Instead of continuning the problems - try to turn things around. 



For the sake of your son, reach your hand out to Jamie (PRIVATELY).  Try to build some sort of positive relationship and I betcha' that your son's dad will change.



I was in the same exact position as Jamie.  And if my SS's mom stoped contributing to the problems, things would have changed drastically for their son.

Heidi - posted on 03/04/2009

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Of course the bio dad can see his son.  He is suppose to see him every other week, but he chooses not to. He says he is to busy. I do not have to be around when they come for a visit.  It does not have to be supervised at all.  Sorry if you got the wrong impression.  And yes there is a whole lot more to this story then meets the eye. I am just trying to figure out how I can get in my sons father head to make him realize that he even has a son that wants to see him and spend time with him.  Sometimes alone and sometimes with his stepmom and sisters.  Its been a never ending battle, and it must seem like I hate the stepmom, but really I don't.  I just wish she would help her husband realize what he is missing out on, and that would be his son.

Leaha - posted on 03/04/2009

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Maybe I'm confussed, (wouldn't surprise me, lol), but, is bio-dad allowed to take Tanner out? Because the way it sounds is that bio-dad has to visit with him while you are there, I wouldn't want that either. That would be very uncomfortable, after all, I'm sure that there is a reason, biodad and biomom aren't together. duh, why would visitation want to take place that way? I can tell you it is very frustrating to have biomom or biodad breathing down you neck when you are trying to have a relationship with your child. My husband's ex in the begining would not allow my husband to take his two youngest around me, he had to stay there on her property, even though he had a court order to have visitation, not suppervised vistiation.  If there is more to this than what is being shared on this support group, then I think that you and biodad, and Jamie, need to have a sit down and disscus visitation like adults, don't put Tanner in the middle. Just my opionion, from what little I'm gathering here...

Leaha - posted on 03/04/2009

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Quoting Heidi:



YOu can only be a stepmom if you are a part of the childs life.      A stepparent in my eyes is only a real stepparent if they are a part of the childs life. 






I'm sorry, but I had to put my two sence in here. I am a step mom to 3 children. The oldest is 10 and she lives with her mother in another state 3 hours away from us. My husband has tried to contact her and has very little luck. In the past 10 years of her life, as far as my husband knows, she has dad 25 diffrent addresses and 97 diffrent phone numbers. How is he supposed to have any kind of relationship with his daughter when the biomom and stepdad make it this impossible?  He has physically seen his daughter twice in the past  2 years. I think it's rediculous, but there isn't much we can do when everytime we call we get, "I'm sorry your call cannot be completed as dialed", or "The number you are calling is out of service" Then when we do get a call from them, it's the step dad reaming my husband because he hasn't called or attempted to see her. Uh? Okay? Those two sentances that I've quoted can be very hurtfull TO ALL step mom's. It personally hurt me, and I'm not even in the middle of your sittuation, so I can't speak for either of you, but when I married my husband, I gained 3 children, and no matter how much I do or don't see them, I AM thier step mom. IN NO WAY am I taking the place of their biomom's, but I will always love them and treat them as my own. The two youngest children we do get to see on a regular basis, and I love them with all my heart, the youngest even calls me momma, that makes me feel like I can make a diffrence in their lives and make them feel loved no matter who's home they are in.



Like I said, I don't know your sittuation, but can't you work something out so that dad can see the child more, there's got to be some way to set up visitation, even if they have busy lives. There is a summer time break from shcool, right? Tanner (I'm gathering that's the little boys name?), should never have to question, where his bio dad is. And I don't know if it's happening, but sounds like it might be, he should NEVER be told that he doesn't have a step mother either.



That's just my opionion, and I hope you ladies can work something out.  Like my situation, it sounds like bio dad doesn't have any balls, lol. So step mom is having to do the dirty work, and I can tell you from exsperience, it' s really hard and exhausting, to deal with trying to support bio-dad to see his child, and deal with him just getting so depressed and sad that it's so hard to see the child.



Good luck to you both, and think about what's best for Tanner, not what YOU each think is right.

Marilyn - posted on 03/04/2009

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I wouldn't answer her calls - do you have call display? I would let her leave nasty bad messages and then save them - call the police and ask them to come over and listen to them and then have them call her to let her know that you do not want anymore calls from her. Does your husband have email? If he does this could be the only form of communication with her - trust me - she will send nasty emails - this you can use against her as well. We have a court order against my husband's ex for the very same thing - she cannot call our home and she can only communicate by email and she can't even do that properly - but this we will be using against her in court - she has violent outbursts even in email. I would stop giving her the attention - she obviously is unstable. My ex tried the attention getter as well and went to the hospital (not overdose) because he said he couldn't cope - I didn't go to the hospital. Sounds like these children are old enough and if she is kicking them out - you might want to take custody of the 15 year old the 18 year old is old enough to make her own decisions. Hope this helps and stops the nonsense they put everyone through, especially their own children.

Heidi - posted on 03/04/2009

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Actually I really don't know why your husband doesn't make more time for his son.  He always says he is to busy, otherwise there really has never ever been a real reason given to my son.  I didn't say you called me a wicked witch.  I wrote that the way you are talking about me makes me seem like it.  I am very understanding person, but you wouldn't really know the real me because you and I have never given eachother that chance. 

Jaime - posted on 03/04/2009

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I am sorry you feel I am not a true step parent. I would love to have Tanner in our lives more frequently, but you know just as much as I do why that does not happen. I will always have time for my daughters, I make many choices to be with them just as I have done with Tanner in the past. I never once said you were the wicked witch, actually I don't think I have ever called you any names??

June - posted on 03/03/2009

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I know where you are coming from...My husband and I have been together for almost 12 yrs now, married for 9 of them...We have a 7 yr old daughter and my husband has 3 boys (17, 15, and 12) from a previous marriage and at times with the ex wife it has been a complete living hell! She feels she has the right to scream at and belittle my husband, she puts the kids in the middle of situations that have nothing to do with them just to make herself look good and him look bad. As the yrs have passed the boys have started to come to realize what she does and have stop resenting their father for things they are now learning that were all false tales told by their mom. Its been a long hard battle and will continue Im sure but in the end my husband and his boys are well worth it all...I do hope that your situation starts to get better and just know that there are other step mommys out here that know what your going through

Heidi - posted on 03/03/2009

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Thankfully we were never married, but only seeing the child 3 times in an entire year is really not considered being a stepmom. Your husband needs to realize that as our son gets older he realizes more.  He knows its been just over 7 months since hes seen his dad.  Yes he knows the days that his father is to call and he doesn't.  You make it seem like you are a the dream stepmom, but in the year of 2008 you only saw my son 3 times and your husband(my sons father) only saw him twice.  So by you writing how much you love my son and so on really doesn't cut it.  If you truly love someone or even care about them you wouldn't let anything stand in your way, but instead you send me and my son a message saying you no longer want to have anything to do with either of us.    That is your choice.  I have done my share travelling back and forth as you have to.  I know my son thinks you are nice to him, when he is there and he was really hurt when he read that message you sent him saying you no longer wanted contact with him.  He wants to know why?  What did he do wrong?  All I can tell him is that its your choice because you and I don't get along and maybe in time things will change again.  In the past yes we have had conversations and made arrangements for pick ups and drop offs, but that is now done and over with.  Like you said its not your responsibility to do any of that and you are absolutely right.  Its his fathers job and responsiblity to make any arrangements.  Its his child.  So whatever happens in the end of all of this will happen.  Honestly you think I hate you, but that is not at all true.  I give you a lot of credit for some of things you have done. Most women wouldn't.  I doubt things can get any worse then what they are right now.  Like I told you before maybe sometime in the future our paths will cross again and maybe thats when we can start from the scratch with a clean slate on both sides.  We have both said a lot of mean things to each other out of spite, but sometimes that needs to be done to be able to go ahead.  You may or may not agree with me, but its our choice.  So whatever happens will happen. No one can predict the the future.

Debbie - posted on 03/02/2009

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Quoting Krystyl:



 It may not, if you and your husband let it happen(if he lets her scream at him for hours,...)  . remember, both of your opinions count and there is nothing she can do to you that courts cannot fix.






 






bio-mom in our situation is the same way, sometimes she seems top be an unmedicated Bi-polar... very sweet and pleasant one moment and conniving and biotchy the next. ... she cheated on my man constanlty while they were together ( sometimes in the very house they were living in) now she is constnantly blaming my man for 'leaving her' ..and his son,.... though she is remarried and seemingly happy.






Our stuff from the EX has been going on for 16yrs.....like Krystyl's Ex mine is Bipolar, Blames my hubby for the break up and can be the nicest person then can turn on you in the most Nastyest way, she has got nothing left to pick at us about so shes starting to attack my hubby's family...even his Dad (RIP) She too has settled down and had 4 other kids, but still dont stop her

Jaime - posted on 03/02/2009

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Becky I hope you are right, and it gets to the point I don't care what bio mom has to say. It is very frustrating and I feel like I should be defending myself, and my husband with all the things she has to say about us.

I agree with the control thing, and not wanting to have the ex happy. I am always hearing little things (cheating, abuse) about my husband to try and start a fight between myself and my husband. I have started to just listen, relay the message to my husband than both of us have a laugh. She is not EVER going to put a wedge between my husband and myself. The only thing she can accomplish is making vistation hard with my SS.

Connie - posted on 03/02/2009

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I understand what you are saying. I have never met an ex as messed up as my husbands. She will not stop at anything to try and ruin peoples lives even if it means her own children. She and my husband divorced and she moved in with the guy she was having an affair with and married him. They just divorced about 3 years ago. She took my husband to the cleaners but her most recent ex would not just throw in the towel and he fought her for everything. She tried everything to bring him down going as far as claiming abuse, having pictures taken of bruises at a womens center and going to court, but she was not thinking clear and when she made the allegations of abuse she claimed that her 4 children witnessed it all. Turns out the children went to testify for their stepfather that these allegations were false and quess what she dropped all charges. She did this again several months later but again failed. She does not have custody of any of her kids, moved in with her newest victim when she left her former husband and now has finally calmed down and has been leaving both my husband and I along with her most recent ex alone. I could tell so many stories i often thought of writing a book. some things are unbelievable. I do have a hard time dealing with it because even though the kids mother is a wicked, evil woman they still see her at times and will go out of their way for her. This hurts me most because she had treated them so bad along with my husband and I . the kids still end up feeling sorry for her. I know its their mom but I just wish they would be a little more agressive with her instead of babying her so they don't hurt her feelings. She created all her own problems with everyone around her but will never admit to it. I t may take along time to end the disputes. We have found ignoring her wrked best. She loved to argue and fight but my husband would never give her that pleasure. He would remain calm at all times as if whatever she is saying doesn't bother him and eventually when she found she wasn't getting the reaction from him that she wanted she would usually hang up. So maybe try that it worked for us. Sorry to vent so much but I can't stand that women.

Beck - posted on 02/23/2009

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I hope it all works out for you, I still have issues with my husbands ex when she decides she needs money. My ss's birthday is coming up and she decided we needed to help pay for it though we did a party for him last year and paid it all ourselve no help from her. We have said no sorry we cant help you will just have to deal with it yourself, but now she is mad at us. I see your frustration. I hope all ends up well iin the end

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