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The hurt of trying to encourage a relationship between my SD and her biomom

Jessica - posted on 01/15/2009 ( 3 moms have responded )

I just want some people to talk to that are in similar situations. My story in extreme summary...

I met my (now) hubby and SD in 2001 when she was 5 and living with biomom. We saw her everyother weekend when biomom felt like being nice and things were ALWAYS strained with everyone. There have been so many court appearances and nasty things that eventually Child Protective Services (CAS in Canada) had to make an order which included a clause that no one could speak negatively about anyone else in the child's presence. After a long story, my SD is now 13 and has been living with us fulltime for almost 2 years. Her mom moved to a different province and their relationship has been continuing downhill (it was never great which is why she's with us). This woman (biomom) has always been a real piece of work, but about a week ago, my SD came into the kitchen bawling and hugged me and started blubbering about how "she said it's all my fault". Once she calmed a little and the story came out it seems her mom indirectly laid blame on her for everything like the move to a different province etc. Of course all of these things were the decision of biomom - she got married and moved to live with him, and took SD's half-brother because the order with the other father wasn't as strong. I fully expect she thought she'd end up with both of "her" kids on the other side of the country and never talk to either of the fathers again - but it didn't work.

Okay, enough of the story - what I want to talk about is how hard it is to say things like "make sure you tell her about this new thing in your life", or "no, I'm sure she didn't mean it like that, think about it this way", etc, etc. In the situation above all I could say was "well, *I* love you lots". However, there have been lots of times that I defended a situation when it would be so much easier to say - yep, she was mean - and let her go on being angry. My problem is that I love my SD so much that I don't want to see her lose such an important relation - even though I would love to personally strangle her (biomom) a couple times a month for things she does.

Anyone else want to chat?!?

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Jessica - posted on 01/19/2009

Ok, so last night I stayed up really late with my stepdaughter because a small argument aimed at the wrong person finally got her talking more about her biomom. She's feeling very sad about the hopelessness of the situation and says she's sad all the time. Her mom went to another province when she remarried and her half-brother went with them. She is very worried about him because when they were all living together she was basically parenting him and she promised she'd always protect him. She knows she's better living with us, but she spends all her time thinking about how awful it must be for him. (There was abuse but not bad enough to get the authorities attention and he's still young enough to be more afraid than willing to ask for help). With all this come out, how am I supposed to say "you need to love your mom" when now I'm worried she may be depressed because she thinks her mom will start abusing her brother.?!

Abby - posted on 01/16/2009

My father stopped talking to me when I told him I was getting married, he didn't like the guy and decied I wasn't worth it for him to put up with.

How is this realivent? I went cring to my step dad. He married my mom when I was 5 and went thur the same thing you are going thur now for years. He always told me things like, "I promise I will never treat you like that" and "you can't blam him, it's just how he is, he loves you the best he knows how" The reassuane that I was safe with him but not expeted to hate my own dad was all I needed from him. I'm sure thats what your little girl needs most from you.

Good luck, Just remember this too shall pass as in the bible it never says "and it came to stay"

Dawn - posted on 01/16/2009

Hi Jessica,

I can totally relate. I have 2 SDs, one 16 and one 14. We have full custody of them and they very rarely see their mother. Their biomom has 'disowned' them when she has felt like they were being too nice to me. She can only be nice to one of them at a time. She has told my 14 year old she ruined her life this year, last year it was the 16 year old's fault. She has purposely ignored one while being overly sweet to another. My 14 year old has taken it the hardest. She wants so badly, at times, to hate her mom but she can't. The one thing I can tell you is to be strong. Don't ever let her hear you say a bad thing about her mom. As angry as she is with her now, she is still her mom. Bite your tongue until you can vent to a girlfriend or your hubby. I keep telling mine that even grown ups make bad decisions and say the wrong thing. My SD now feels comfortable talking to me about her feelings when it comes to her mom, as does yours. If you inject your anger towards her mom into the conversation you risk losing that closeness. Nothing is worth that, and because of that I continue to bite my tongue until it bleeds and have her invite her biomom to choir concerts etc. She rarely shows up (only to one) but I know and my SD knows that every effort was made to include her in my SD's life. If she stays uninvolved then it is by nobody's doing but hers.

Stay strong.