think you will end up split up from your husband over steps?

Shelby - posted on 12/08/2009 ( 59 moms have responded )

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just need to vent..dh wont listen to me.his 6 and 7 year old girls show up every other weekend and are just getting worse,i wont even go with him to get them anymore because they scream for an hour after we pick them up.they get here,i cook,clean,bath,babysit,whole 9 yards,and feel like for what?so,they can be spoiled and coddled and have even more money spent on them that our own child is missing out on?i love them,i do,but i have been the step mom for 5 years,since the little one was 6 months old and its just to the point i dont even want to be here when they are..i cant even enjoy my own home anymore..i feel like the older they get,the worse it gets and i am not going to play second best to that anymore!sorry ladies,on a better day,i would be nothing but full of love but it is just literally driving me crazy!I dont want tofeel bitter,but i am there and how do i get past the urge to run like hell?

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Amber - posted on 12/09/2009

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I HATE TO SAY IT TO ANY OF YOU BUT MAYBE A SEPARATION IS NEEDED! let them take care of the kids by themselves. they do not realize the support they have and that they are really taking advantage!the kids will not change until the parents do. maybe separate and spend some much needed time w/ your own kids....if he really loves you and loves his family...he'll wise up!

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Cidalia - posted on 01/14/2010

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The problem here is obviously not your stepchildren but your husband. You are feeling disrespected, used, and not listened to, and it's on him. My BF would not tolerate that from his children...no spoiled brats here. Having them for a short time is no excuse to allow them to rule the roost. My BF also has his children "so little" but refuses to contribute to forming future spoiled kids.

Megan - posted on 01/13/2010

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I understand where you are coming from. My step son just moved in with us and his BMom obviously didn't do the greatest job descipling him because her undermines me, lies to me and its almost tearing my family apart. im at the end of my rope

Bri - posted on 01/11/2010

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@AMBER YOUR ADVISE IS GOLDEN! THAT'S EXACTLY WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW! GREAT ADVISE ;)

Bri - posted on 01/11/2010

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Good to know I'm not alone & Sorry to hear ya going through it :( The Positive In the situation is There YOUNG & IMPRESSIONABLE! Just Talk over with ya Husband what NEEDS TO B said. Then Present a UNITED Front With him at your side & Sit the two of them down & let them know what Will & will NOT be accepted. Hopefully U have a Good relationship with the Mother but Even if U DON'T! She should still B interested in Teaching her Kids MANNERS! Try & Have her be there too, It Would probably Go ova better In there OWN Environment Because No matter what, As a Child, U R To RESPECT ALL ADULTS! Or there WILL B CONSEQUENCES! Mines is 14 turning 32 :D & I LOVE HER LIKE MY OWN! ALWAYS HAVE! I met Her When she was 8 or 9 I believe. Our relationship was ALWAYS Good Although she has disrespected B4 It wasn't Anything Major But Has She got a little older I guess felt she needed to choose a side. She doesn't live with Us But I ALWAYS! Wanted her to for the longest, ESPECIALLY to Get her Away from The Environment she was in @the time. The situation Still ISN'T Ideal But There Isn't Much that can be done NOW! ...NOW she Thinks she can Talk to ANYONE, ANYWAY she likes & NO ONE! Not even her Grandmother that She LOVES lives with & Raises her, PUNISHES her For her Disrespectful ways. I am AGAINST Hitting your children in ANY Abusive way But a Little POP On the mouth If the EXTREME Occasion Arose to Wake them up ONLY COMING FROM A BIOLOGICAL PARENT Of course Isn't Bad, But Since she is there & we R here 4hrs away in another town What can we do? My Husband has tried to call But She refuses to answer & The Grandmother KNOWING Her defiance, DOESN'T MAKE Her answer & Face her farther for her Recent disrespect towards me. Where she literally called me an idiot, saying I have NO intelligence along with a few other Choice intellectual words {Has she is Gifted} Via Her Grandmother's FB Post that I Commented on. We Also TRIED To Do as I suggested to U, & Go Down there to have a Sit down But NO ONE Was home. ...IDK Not everyone has horror stories sum kids just AREN'T Spoiled & ACTUALLY Have boundaries They DARE NOT CROSS Because there is FIRM, SET BY ALL! ...CONSEQUENCES! Which IF! They DON'T! Have this Kind of STRUCTURE makes them Become Undesirable Human Beings :D Good Luck with ya situation WISH U THE BEST! GOD BLESS!

Bri - posted on 01/11/2010

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Good to know I'm not alone & Sorry to hear ya going through it :( The Positive In the situation is There YOUNG & IMPRESSIONABLE! Just Talk over with ya Husband what NEEDS TO B said. Then Present a UNITED Front With him at your side & Sit the two of them down & let them know what Will & will NOT be accepted. Hopefully U have a Good relationship with the Mother but Even if U DON'T! She should still B interested in Teaching her Kids MANNERS! Try & Have her be there too, It Would probably Go ova better In there OWN Environment Because No matter what, As a Child, U R To RESPECT ALL ADULTS! Or there WILL B CONSEQUENCES! Mines is 14 turning 32 :D & I LOVE HER LIKE MY OWN! ALWAYS HAVE! I met Her When she was 8 or 9 I believe. Our relationship was ALWAYS Good Although she has disrespected B4 It wasn't Anything Major But Has She got a little older I guess felt she needed to choose a side. She doesn't live with Us But I ALWAYS! Wanted her to for the longest, ESPECIALLY to Get her Away from The Environment she was in @the time. The situation Still ISN'T Ideal But There Isn't Much that can be done NOW! ...NOW she Thinks she can Talk to ANYONE, ANYWAY she likes & NO ONE! Not even her Grandmother that She LOVES lives with & Raises her, PUNISHES her For her Disrespectful ways. I am AGAINST Hitting your children in ANY Abusive way But a Little POP On the mouth If the EXTREME Occasion Arose to Wake them up ONLY COMING FROM A BIOLOGICAL PARENT Of course Isn't Bad, But Since she is there & we R here 4hrs away in another town What can we do? My Husband has tried to call But She refuses to answer & The Grandmother KNOWING Her defiance, DOESN'T MAKE Her answer & Face her farther for her Recent disrespect towards me. Where she literally called me an idiot, saying I have NO intelligence along with a few other Choice intellectual words {Has she is Gifted} Via Her Grandmother's FB Post that I Commented on. We Also TRIED To Do as I suggested to U, & Go Down there to have a Sit down But NO ONE Was home. ...IDK Not everyone has horror stories sum kids just AREN'T Spoiled & ACTUALLY Have boundaries They DARE NOT CROSS Because there is FIRM, SET BY ALL! ...CONSEQUENCES! Which IF! They DON'T! Have this Kind of STRUCTURE makes them Become Undesirable Human Beings :D Good Luck with ya situation WISH U THE BEST! GOD BLESS!

Rebekah - posted on 01/10/2010

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Girls can sometimes be worse than boys!.Does she live with you,is she in contact with her BM?.Sometimes it's the fight to be the no 1 girl in daddy's life,have you tried interacting with her,suggesting trips you can both enjoy like shopping,beauty parlour,whatever it is she's into?.Maybe you could try sitting her down and talking to her about how you are both feeling,my guess is she's just as stressed as you are.At that age girls are torn between wanting to be grown up and staying daddy's little princess, she's also entering puberty and probably feeling scared about all the changes she's going through.Give it a whirl,also,keep a diary to help you vent a little,writing can be very theraputic.

Sherriy - posted on 01/10/2010

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I have the same problems. I have a 13yr old step daughter that gets her way daily. It's getting to the point that I don't want to be here much either and I am thankful that I am working when she gets home from school. ANd I do feel the same was whenit comes to being comfortable. Hubby and I fight about her all the time. It's terrible. Nothing ever changes after the fights either. It's the same thing over and over again. And yes, this is tearing up our marriage. I honestly can't take much more, and I'm not sure what to do either.

Rebekah - posted on 01/08/2010

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Welcome to my world a few years ago!.My husband had custody of his two children when we met and over the last 13yrs we've been through every level of emotion possible and at times our relationship has been left virtually shredded and hanging by sheer force of will.His ex-partner resented me being around,it was the classic case of dog in the manger,she didn't want him or her kids,she just didn't like me having them either.She hated the rapport I had with the kids and did everything she could to destroy it,in fact she did for a while but I hung in there,not just because I loved my husband but because despite everything,I loved the kids too.So many people advised me to walk away and leave them to it but I couldn't,when you take on your partners children you have to be prepared to treat them as your own,love and protect them exactly the same or else there is no point.My situation was that I was told I'd never have my own child so maybe that made me a bit more maternal towards my husbands children,however,I did manage to conceive and we had a gorgeous little girl who's now 8.Everyone said I would feel differently about my own child but I can honestly say,hand on heart that I love all my children equally.Our son is now a strapping 23yr old who still lives with us because he wants to be with us,our eldest daughter is about to give us a grandson any day and she is always visiting,we take vacations together and have fun.My daughter came across an old diary I'd kept during the 'bad times' to keep my sanity.After reading it she rang me and said "I am so sorry,I never realised how awful I was to you then,I really do love you and I'm grateful for everything you've done foe me".That makes it all worthwhile.Just hang on in there,it will all work out in the end.

Krista - posted on 01/07/2010

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I didn't read all 49 posts, but OH boy am I glad to have found this group. My husband and I have been together for 9 years now, we have three boys ages 3 months old, 3 years old and 4.5 years old. I have a 12 year old step son that ALL OF THE SUDDEN is living with us because the birth mother had a break down and threatened to commit suicide in FRONT of my step son. Watch out, who said their 5 year old step child is manuipulative because my step son was too at 5. Only we only had him every other weekend. And when he was five he was cute. Now he's an overweight, manipulator that acts like a dream child when Daddy is home. When Daddy isn't home, he's a nightmare and I HATE being around him. Not only that, Dad doesn't see it - AT ALL. thinks he is a dream boy and is so lucky to have him here full time now. WHAT?! Oh and did I mention that we had to pay over $10K in legal bills even though SHE was the one that had the breakdown? Nice, so my kids have less money so I can live with a litle 12 year old ass hole!
UGH. Sorry perhaps venting a little too much.

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Been their ... when our daughter (I don't like the word step it does keep a family divided) use to come for visits I felt as if I did not exist and all of a sudden everything revolved around her ... what my husband was doing was not right, but he had such guilt for not being their with her - he tried to do everything for her in two days and the expense of us at home my son and I ... this went on for quite some time and I ended up resenting her and being jelous of her ... now I was being the child... she moved in with us when she was 15 and it did not get any better for a bit - but one day my husband and I sat dwon and talked about us - what we loved about each other, why we fell in love with each other and wanted to be togehter, where we saw our selves in the future and our dreams - we try and have this conversation at least once a month - he has learned that he has given our daughter more than money could by - love, discipline, guidenance, and a bond that only a father and daughter can have - and that is a bond that is hard for us to unerstand - it will get better - get in Gods word - he has a lot to say about this - look to him and not your circumstance, for God is bigger than any of our circumstances.

Frankie - posted on 01/05/2010

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I have been going through the same thing for ovder 10 years and no matter what I say or do, I am the bad that his son does, favors his son over ours when he is here, only takes off work when he is here and does not make his son fowwow the same rules the girls have to follow. He even lets his soon be mean to them and makes excuses. Finally, said no way. This summer I went to the beach for 3 weeks , the entire time the kid was here. I have not send the child support check in 3 months because we can barely feed ourselves. He has court Monday. He received the paperwork today. I hope that goes well for him because he is on his own with this. .

Brandy - posted on 01/04/2010

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you need to talk to your hubby. i tryed to talk to mine but he does not want to talk about his son beong ugly. to me and everyone else. my hubby get mad at me so i loaded up my 2 boys and left for the weekend so he would have to see how his 13 year old son acts like an a** . his family has said things to me bout will NOT say anything to my hubby. i am sorry for what you are going though

Brandy - posted on 01/04/2010

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I have 2 step kids one lives here with us. the other lives with his mom. the13 year old is my biggest head ache. his mom does not call him or come and get him like she should . so he takes it out on me .We told him no cell phone untill he was driving.But his mom got him on anyway i told her no to. but she did it any way.she comes and gets him evry 6 to 7 mo. i have 2 boy of my own.and they want to act like him should i get on to them every time they act like him.

Debbie - posted on 01/03/2010

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My husband and me have been married for 29 years (30 in July). He has 2 daughters and I have 2 daughters. They all were 6 and 2 when we got together. Let me tell you when they got older, it got rougher. I almost walked out, many times. His daughters lied on me, stole from me, cussed me. You name it, they done it and their dad never stood up for me and he never corrected them so they were spoiled rotten. He tried to correct my youngest daughter one time and I told to back off, if he couldn't correct his, don't even correct mine. Well now as they are on their own and have families, I must say his oldest one and me are very close. She is the one I can always turned to. I couldn't asked for a better step daughter, she's more like a daughter to me now. My two girls and his girls are very close also. I just hung in there and knew it would get better and it did.

Sarah - posted on 01/03/2010

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you are fortunate to have met the children when they were little. I had lived the same life. I met my boyfriend (husband now) the kids were 1 1/2 and 3. They are 20 1/2 and 22 now. it is very hard when there is an ex involved, child support, buy clothes, sploiling, fighting. but I believe it will get better. Do you have a half way decient relationship with thee ex? That helps, yeh at first I had issues with her and the situation, but now I'm attending her little ones birthday parties and my son has had play dates with hers. But my step daughters like to have all of their siblings together. I counted down the day child support was done. Now guess what?! They live with us now. Which I enjoy even though I wish we had them when they were younger. That's another story.. Wish you the best. Been there. Hope it gets better. Sarah

Megan - posted on 01/03/2010

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girls are tough!!! I tried to tell my SD about my younger step sis when she was that age, and he just didn't believe me. He felt guilty for not being there for her. Well, he's paying for it now! She's 14, partying, getting drunk, getting high, making out with older boys (15-16) probably even having sex because she is BOY CRRRRAZY!!!!. She doesn't care about school, she's getting C's and D's...probably even F's. And I told him when she was 6 he had to STOP catering to her. NIP IT IN THE BUD, girl!!!! They need you to give them boundaries and consequences..because their dad isn't doing it. You need him to be behind you. They can't think they can go behind your back to him and he'll give them what they want. Man, I feel for you...I'm scared to have girls because of this....GOOD LUCK!!!!!!

T - posted on 01/03/2010

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Quoting shelby:

You guys are great!I love this stepmom board! I wish we all lived close and I would hire a sitter and we could all go have a drink and freak out a little bit,lol! I feel like there are some tough strong women on this board and we really do all rock even if noone knows it but us:)


I know circle of mom members who get together and do just that!  Hmm, maybe I'll start a post to see if there is interest in something like that this summer.  Great idea!

Rebecca - posted on 12/30/2009

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Quoting T:



Quoting amber:

I HATE TO SAY IT TO ANY OF YOU BUT MAYBE A SEPARATION IS NEEDED! let them take care of the kids by themselves. they do not realize the support they have and that they are really taking advantage!the kids will not change until the parents do. maybe separate and spend some much needed time w/ your own kids....if he really loves you and loves his family...he'll wise up!






That is exactly what I did--packed my bags, took a hotel room, and started looking at other places to live.  My husband came around, but watch it--in a very short time he threw all our agreements about coordination and rules as a couple out the window and has returned to his previous behavior (leaves me out of all decisions and hides things from me, makes excuses when his son behaves poorly, doesn't include me when his son has successes or needs decision help, I could go on and on).  So...leaving temporarily may help, or it may not.  It was at least worth the try.  Now I know that things will never change, and have to decide (after the holidays) if that's a life style I need to live without.





Been there, done that!  Done the counselling...TWICE!  Laid down some ground rules with both DH & BM.  What an utter waste of my time!



I even left DH for a month to sort some things out.  He made promises, he said the right things & yes I did miss him while I was gone so for the sake of my children (no I do not love him) & the fact that I made a vow before God on my wedding day, I went back.   Big mistake.



Sorry girls, but after years together I think you know in your gut whether they are the one or not.  If you are thinking 'how can I cope' now...it will only be worse in another years time.



My best advise is 'RUN...run away as fast as you can BEFORE it is too late' .  It would take an extremely strong man to make the changes needed & I'm sorry but it sounds to me like he has already made the decision.  The children come first & you just have to take what he is PREPARED to offer you. Which by the sounds is not what you need or want

Shelby - posted on 12/30/2009

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You guys are great!I love this stepmom board! I wish we all lived close and I would hire a sitter and we could all go have a drink and freak out a little bit,lol! I feel like there are some tough strong women on this board and we really do all rock even if noone knows it but us:)

Sara - posted on 12/30/2009

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Hi All! I'm new to this posting stuff but I couldn't believe how many people are living the parallel of my life! My DH and will be married 3 years in Jan. We have 2 beautiful boys ages 2 yrs and 3 mos. My DH has a daughter age 5 from his last relationship. He was with the BM until he met and married me. His Daughter was 2 1/2. My biggest problem isn't the BM it's my SD she's a manipulater (spelling?) Yes even at 5. She's spoiled by my DH's side of the family mainly the grandparents, aunts and of course the parents because she's the 1st grandchild and the only girl. It's honestly a case of too many Chiefs not enough Indians. When she wants something if she doesn't get it from you she goes to the next person to get it and usually does! As a person who's worked in Child Care for 6 1/2 years, raising, educating, caring and correcting behavior for and in children, it drives me ABSOLUTELY MAD!!! Then she comes here trying to pull that nonsense! I don't stand for it and I'm often told I'm too harsh or strict on/with her because I want her to have boundries. I often find my DH going off to do things with her that leave our older son (2yrs old) left out bc he's too young to participate or understand. There have been times she wakes up in the morning and says "Daddy I'm hungry" and DH wakes up and makes breakfast for her when our son would be up as well and couldn't (at the time) speak well enough to ask for breakfast too. When I mention it to him I get either denial and guilty looks or "It's just for 2 days she's here. I'm not spending EVERY minute with him for only 2 days. He'll be OK." I just feel that DH feels that since he's not living with HER anymore and he has a "new" family now that he tries to over compensate by focusing soley on her and that's just no good for MULTIPLE reasons 1.) Being you have other children and they will soon start to notice that they have NO attention from you when that other child is around. Which will lead to resentment and lots of other "fun" issues. 2.) Your feeding the selfish child syndrome! Since she's already recieveing that at home with the BM no need to keep fanning the flames. It's been awhile since she's been over to visit (She lives in NJ with BM and vists on the wknds) because we've run into some bad luck lately and have no car in which to drive to NJ to get her and with me giving birth and the baby having a short stay (Thank God it was only 10 days) in the NICU and me not being 100% physically, DH doesn't like to leave me and the kids for too long to go and stay in NJ and visit. (his parents and sisters live next door to BM in NJ)The BM is nice. I don't really have a problem with her. I may not approve of all her decisions but I like her. When ever SD brought up I have mixed emotions. I knew or assumed I knew what I was getting into when I married a man with a child however I wasn't prepared for how much they had ruined what could have been a good kid. The teacher and care taker in me wishes we could get full custody of her so I can fix her and help her be the great kid I have a feeling she could be, but no one else sees anything wrong. Idk what to do bc I have children of my own now and they are brothers and sisters and I don't want the bad habits getting to MY kids. Besides the BM had a spell of issues with a BF that she almost got a restraining order on and had to change her telephone #! Now he's back and everything is "Honky Dory" and their living together! With my SD and apparently trying to take over my DH's role as Daddy to her. I don't like it but as I'm reminded I'm not her mother so it really doesn't have anything to do with me. His family just wants DH to come and spend more time with her or better yet just uproot his family to move to NJ and be with her. They don't understand how hard it is living in NY and being torn btw people you love. I often fear that we might not make the 10yr or even 5 yr marriage mark because of this craziness. and in the meantime the poor kids are caught in the middle. Anyone have any advice? I'm getting desperate bc I'd like to start out the New Year right especially with a new baby here.

Stephanie - posted on 12/22/2009

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T. Partridge, you should write a book for step moms. If I had set firmer boundaries and stuck to them no matter what I don't think I would feel as bitter and betrayed as I do. My SS step son lived with us from 14-16, with his mom at seventeen and us again this past June until this month. He has ADHD and Conduct Disorder. There are two younger brothers 12 and 15. None of them have ever listened to me or shown me respect, and it causes problems because their dad doesn't see them often so we disagree on what boundaries should be set for them. The oldest has gotten arrested for PI, ran away to another state, and we allowed him to come home, even though we told him he would not be able to live here if he continued to make poor choices. I finally had enough and was tired of being the one to pay the consequences for his behavior. SS does not work, doesn't look for a job and is defiant at every turn. We argue and this increases tension in the home. My husband had an "evil stepmother" growing up and tends to take his son's side, leaving me to be the B****. SS targets my kids who are 9 and 12 and live with us full time. I finally told my husband the SS had to go because our marriage has suffered too much, as well as my kids. SS left today and now we aren't talking....still.....even with SS gone its stressful. Hopefully we will recover, but its impossible to talk about it and not argue. Anyone been through this and returned to a happy marriage? I need help!!

Natasha - posted on 12/22/2009

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I just have to say ... and I thought I was the only one that has gone through this!

Natasha - posted on 12/22/2009

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Quoting T:



Run away, run away.  You know as we all do that men do not change their behavior after the marriage; it typically gets worse.  These children are engaging in divide and conquer behavior, and their father is allowing it.  It is an unhappy, unfair situation that never gets better.  It can always be argued that they are testing the waters to see if you really are more important to him than them--lots of kids do this to their married bio parents.  It's always worse with step families, and will never get better if he shows no sign of standing with you as a couple.  Dump it now, save yourself a lot of grief.  They are young; it's not like you can just wait a couple of years and it will go away.






I have to agree, if he cannot stand with you now - what makes you think he will after you're married? Oh, the "I can make him change" syndrome that 99.9% of women have. No, if you are divided now, you will be divided after marriage. You need to seriously think things through before you get married. I hope the best for you!

Mom - posted on 12/19/2009

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I know how you feel! I have been a ful time step parent for 9 years.I was with their dad when he fought for and won custody but it dosen't seem to matter sometimes cause i'm not their mom. The oldest has ADHD and ODD so that makes things that much harder. I feel like our children miss out on a lot because he's distructive and sometimes just plain mean. he hurts them over the tiniest toy so he has to be watched every second. it hard to take all the kids out because we worry about how he will behave. I feel for you because i know exactly what you're talking about I am facing it right now. you love youre husband and your step kids but on some level you feel like you are cheating your own by staying. I have fought the urge to cut and run only by god's grace and telling myself tomorrow will be better.

Melissa - posted on 12/13/2009

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I know exactly how you feel..My hubbys family and ex have long ago taught his children that Iam a nobody, and they dont have to listen to me. He gets them every other wkend. and its spoil city...I think he thinks if he gives into their every whimsy that hes making up for lost time with them. Its really sad because there are few lines for them that they cant cross. His oldest has downs syndrome, so the entire family treats him as if hes a 1 yr old instead of treating him the same as every other child in the house. ( hes 9yrs old by the way). He has sooo much potential. Hes a brilliant child, and I dont feel they are letting him live up to HIS full potential. My hubby has listened to me about many issues, and I see him trying. But when it comes to his family and what they are planting into his kids heads, hes very passive aggressive. Its very difficult. And he is just now seeing the resentment betwean the kids that he and his family has been breeding for the past 4 yrs now.

Dina - posted on 12/13/2009

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Girl I feel you on a SERIOUS degree....except my SD is 16yrs old and out of control. AND SHE LIVES WITH US. I've stuck through for 6years, but there has been moments in the past couple of months that I was going to make the choice and just say enough is enough. I have a disabled daughter and a baby who needs me and their dad. But their dad loves his oldest and thats ok she just always tells the world he doesn't and causes drama. My girls end up with the caca end. The way i stuck with it was I told him I no longer want nothing to do with her. It is his daughter and he should have the handle the situations. I will help when I can but when i see that I start to "drown" in the caca again I put a stop to it and say hey i need my space right now. Thats when you go and sit in the car for a second (make sure your kids are safe) and just cool off. It works for me, and we've been pretty much ok. Just have to do our best not to let her issue rub off on each other and the rest of the ffamily. Pretty hard but it can work! Good luck!

Mary - posted on 12/12/2009

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I felt like I was looking into the past through a looking glass when I read the first post! With no intervention it will NOT get any better, trust me. Get yourself and your husband into counseling with a counselor who specializes in stepfamilies. I have been with my husband since my SS's were 6 & 11. They came to our house every weekend and every time they were out of school. They had no rules, any I put in place were ignored by them and my husband. The younger one would stay up all night playing video games (and I mean all night, I would be getting up at 6 or 7 and he would still be up.) He would through lay down screaming fits constantly, until he was about 14. His own grandmother would tell me how much she couldn't stand him. I begged my husband to set rules, boundaries, etc...nothing was ever done. It was so bad I would begin to feel sick on Wednesday realizing the weekend was approaching. Four years ago their "real" mom abandoned them to move in with her new boyfriend, at which point I made the worst mistake of my life and agreed to let the younger son live with us. The older one stayed in the mother's house and moved all his friends in. The younger one is disturbed and I believe it is a direct result of not having a parent who would stand up to him. My husband and I now have 8yr old boy/girl twins. My 16yr old SS is so jealous of my 8yr old son that I cannot leave him alone in a room with him. He will hit him, kick him, choke him, hold his hand over his nose and mouth....I feel like I live in a constant state of dread and sleep with one eye open. After the last incident I told my husband he had until the end of the school year to figure out what to do with him...after that he can no longer stay here. I have set up counseling with 3 different counselors for him, I have researched boarding schools for troubled children, everytime my husband says we will see. Well I am not going to wait until my child is dead or damaged to see. The sad part is we have reached this place out of a father loving his children and feeling so guilty about not being there that he was found it impossible to impose rules. I believe it is my responsibilty as a parent to raise my children to be caring, self supporting adults. My older SS is now 21 and has never had a job, EVER! He had destroyed 2 of my cars, has 2 children (with 2 different girls, and of course w/no job pays no child support!!!), only calls when he wants money and if we say no stops speaking to us for months (no skin off my back, but it hurts his dad's feelings.) He recently gave me his Christmas list, it had about $400 worth of stuff on it and then called later to say he'd forgotten something he needed to add to it. Their mother now lives over 16 hours away by car....so I never get a weekend off, sends no birthday presents, and only sends the younger one a small Christmas present. Yet they expect tons from us and the younger son will tell anyone who will listen how much he hates us, hates living with us.....calls us "those people." I get no support from my in-laws and my family lives quite far away. I think about packing up and leaving my husband at least once a day because of his kids. I know my post is long, but I am telling anyone with young step-children if there are problems now, GET HELP. It does not get better on its own, I could right pages and pages of the ridiculous stuff that has gone on. My husband and I are in counseling now, but I think until his son is either grown and gone or moved out I will never feel peace in my own house.

Whitney - posted on 12/12/2009

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haha. preaching to the chior girl.... I am the same way, and I get sooooo upset when my S.S. comes over and gets treated like a king in front of my B.S. who does not gewt the same treatment. It breaks my heart, and 9 times out of 10, my S.S. is very hard to be around, and I almost HATE my husband when he is here because of the way he treats him. Like he is better than all of us. Let me know if you find some good advice!!!!

Keya - posted on 12/12/2009

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I feel you on the fairness aspect, I said nothing to my hub for awhile about the gift giving when step kids are visiting and he fixed it eventually...but I wish I had said somethin sooner, I spent time being bitter and my kids didn't have the same Mom they used to have cause that anger makes you tired and ridget... I make lists I talk to my husband casually about what we will get each kid, then I write it down and I gently reming him if we spend 50 bucks at the arcade then we have to change what we are going to buy..

Mariah - posted on 12/12/2009

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I feel you, same here. We get 9 year old SD on vacations, so she is spoiled beyond belief. She too is getting worse the older she gets, she pouts and pulls out the line "I don't visit that much, daddddyyy". She was mean to my babies, pinching and squeezing my 3 month old and leaving nail marks, shaking him. Holding one of the 6 week old preemie twins upside down when he'd only been home 1 week after 5 weeks in the NICU. But she was just "jealous" and I should be "more understanding and patient and not such a wicked SM". She hasn't seen us for over a year due to the absurdly high CS and finances have sucked. But we're moving and she'll visit in two months. I challenge her to be mean to my boys now. The then 3 year old will hit her, and one of the twins is a biter, hair puller and pincher. Hah, can't wait.

I'm going to take a different approach. When DH spoils her, I'll tell him he needs to get the boys treats too because they KNOW now and will pitch a fit because while they see she's getting something they're not, they're too young to understand why. And it's only fair after all, and we need to teach them fairness. Next, when she doesn't listen to me or doesn't respect me, I will ask him what behavior he expects from her at school, does he expect her to listen to her teachers and respect them? Then shouldn't I, who does everything for her (cause he does nothing but spoil her rotten) deserve at least the same if not more? And if she misbehaves then I will have consequences. She attends a religious school, so I will have here write out bible verses regarding kindness. I will have her call her mom and tell her how she's behaving. I will tell her to think about what she's done and if she thinks that is what God and Jesus would be happy over.

And I will be honest this time with her, in a nice way. When she's acting snobby and bratty I'll tell her that she's acting like a snob and brat and I know that's not the kind of person she is or wants to be, so could she act like the girl I know. When she's mean to my boys, I'll tell her that if she keeps that up, they'll be scared of her and won't want her around or will be mean back to her and they'll keep getting bigger and stronger. I will ask her how she would like it if someone 7 years older and much bigger than her did mean things to her. (I really feel like telling her that the next time she hurts one of my babies, I'll do the same thing back to her only harder, but I wouldn't actually do it, just really feel like it).

But I agree, children need and like rules, no matter if they complain about them. Problem is a lot of men have these guilty feelings regarding our SK and think that by pampering them and spoiling them and having no rules, then they are making up for whatever they're guilty about. They see the kids misbehaving but choose to ignore it, the kids are perfect while our kids that are around all the time are horrible by comparison even though they're just being kids.

I'm sure when SD visits though I'll be thinking about leaving, I always do when she visits. I wish it could be different. It's different now that I have kids, I feel bad for them, I don't want them feeling second best or to be mistreated by their own sister and have her get away with it. I'm tired of being told to be careful with money, the kids need diapers AGAIN, never being able to buy clothes or having to spend 30 bucks on Christmas presents for all 3 boys combined and then him spending 200 in one week at the freaking arcade over a child who doesn't appreciate it one bit. Hopefully it will be different if I react differently, if I choose when to stand up for myself and when to step back and let DH take care of her. BTW, she's coming when I plan on having my boys' combined bday party, I know she will try to make it be about her though, but luckily my relatives are all where we're moving and they'll make sure it's about my boys.

I loved this girl when I meet her 5 years ago, and I still care about her very much. I feel badly that she's turning out this way and wish DH would wake up and realize he's not doing her any favors by spoiling her. I understand, I want to get my boys some treat everytime I go to the store, but I don't. I want them to treasure what they have and to learn to treasure the times when mama says, yes, you can get something. I want them to be excited about their treats instead of asking when the next one is coming as soon as they get one, or tossing it aside the moment they get home, or expecting them.

LaShelle - posted on 12/12/2009

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As a parent of 5 daughters, and grandmother to 7 it appears to me that the girlies have been allowed to behave inappropriately. At your home there should be a set of expectations. Children love to have rules and will generally abide by them when they are given fair and beneficial standards. Being firm doesn't imply being rude or mean. Just fair. Your husband and you need to set down and figure out what is allowed and what isn't, then set with the girls and go through the rules with them.
It shouldn't take too long for them to get in the groove! And you can all have an enjoyable visit! As for cooking, cleaning, bathing, thats just part of it! Enjoy it, cause there will be a time when they do it all by themselves and dont need you for anything other than maybe a ride somewhere or a twenty! Enjoy these days, try to look at it as a challenge that YOU will master! Good luck!

Melinda - posted on 12/12/2009

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This could have been written by me. Everything was great while the hubby and I were dating. I moved in, was looking for a job, then found out I was pregnant. We decided to bump up the wedding date we had already set and, HEY, as long as I was home, maybe we should pull SD out of daycare and save ourselves some money. Within two months I was positive I didn't want to be married to this man, and this child but I wrote it off as hormones and went ahead with the wedding. Within four months of my son being born we were in counseling, trying to head off a divorce.

Thank God. That man sat there and told my husband (who was doing the exact same spoiling trying to make up for the fact that he didn't see his daughter much anymore) that Disneyland is a nice place to take a vacation, but no one wants to live there. He explained all of the harm my husband was doing his child and our marriage and THE MAN LISTENED! It was amazing. It wasn't an instant turn-around, it took time and more work, but now, a year and a half later, no matter how much my SD drives me crazy, she and I both know my husband will back me in an argument. And with that support there isn't a week (we have 50/50 custody) I can't get through. I even look forward to her visits. She slips up and calls me Mom all the time (though corrects herself, because her mom has told her this is very insulting and hurtful). It can be done. But you have to have a man that's willing to work at it, and it helps to have another man tell him he needs to. Sometimes all men hear from any woman is blah, blah, blah. And in the case of my husband, he was definitely conditioned by his ex to completely shut down at the first sign of any argument or criticism, constructive or not.

Keya - posted on 12/12/2009

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omg when my hubbie and I met he had a 2 year old and I had a one year old, we were single parents both divorced, having both gotten the short end of the stick through divorce we began hanging out and eventually sharing resources to take care of our kids, we did laundry together, groceries together, were not intimate just very focused on giving our kids a good life despite the divorce.. This still the most gustsy thing I have done but 6 months later we were married... During our dating I had never seen his ex. she didn't even call to check on the child.. We settled in to happily ever after and then she showed up.. she had kids that were my husbands' step children when they were married she insisted they felt left out, she guilted him so terribly as a man like he had ran out on these other kids, though she filed the divorce... she began dropping the two kids off at our house, she never spent anytime with the one they have together, she guilted him alot about her kids because their fathers were not in the picture, he took them on and before I know it I was step mom to a teenage girl who needed to get to activities and an 8 year old who was constantly causing problems and separating the toddlers WHO did not know they weren't bio sis and bro and just loved each other instantly. I tried to talk to him about it but he just felt I didn't understand that he made a commitment to the children that stands even though he was not still married to their mother...so I sat quietly while we took on almost all the responsibility of these kids and if I did not want to do the running around he seemed to look at it like I didn't like the kids because of his EX...talk about frustrating....Did I mention he also had a bio daughter from a previous relationship....who was staying with us for the summer....TALK ABOUT CRAZY...it took a toll on our close relationship we built in the beginning and before you know it I was HOLLERN....UNCLE....I took it and took it and blew up on everything that had two legs.. I was not even the Mom I always wanted to be my two little ones didn't even have the Mom they had before... As I sat down to talk to my very shocked husband who finally heard me out... BUT he still could not see what I was saying... I gingerly eventually included a person we mutually trusted to help us iron it out...THIS IS WHAT HE SAID.... He felt unsupported in trying to be a man that keeps his word....when I told him what the kids were doing wrong or being bratty and he didn't see it himself he felt I was calling him stupid...... when I complained or with drew from family time because the children were there he felt abandoned and began to not like this awesome chick he had married...... We fixed it.. I prayed alot... I asked God to help me see his side... I became better at letting him take the lion's share of the responsibility when the children visited... he saw it was tooo much and the EX was taking advantage... I was always getting in the way trying to get the kids to like me and when they rejected me... I had more fuel for being angry....I can only control what happens at my house with our kids, I make that environment good for my husband and me and the two kids we have living with us... so much so that when kids the step children are visiting MY HUSBAND can see when they are a disruption... REALIZE he may feel guilty, he may feel powerless, he may not know what to do, build him up, show him you love his other kids, know they are kids and they will try to get away with anything, pray, give him time to be alone with all kids, talk to your bio kids about the big family you r and how God brought yall 2gether, take a family pic, make a scrap book, that shows the good times you have had when they are visiting, personalize a space like you might do for your bio kids for the step kids, do thirty days of just tryin to melt their hearts... Dad will see and if your concerns are far and few he will address them... and he may even stand up for you with the EX... I killed my hubbie with kindness.. he started telling Mom NO, she eventually moved out of state and left one of the step children with us, she hardly visits I still deal with drama but I won't let it take me away from this awesome dude I married...we argue about stuff, we disagree but we always comeback to the fact that our commonality is LOVING THESE KIDS and that his EX (which I now call my baby momma) drives us nuts but is still a child of God...okay I'm long winded go to go

Emily - posted on 12/11/2009

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l under stand l how stressful it can be . l have a son and my husband put his child before me and we have one together and even christmas he got her a big gift and our son got four gift for christmas. l also feel like am scond to him and l think it because of the back and forward and l know it hard but l know it does not get any better. l hope thing work out for you and you can also chat with me. you can go for a walk and just walk to be out and take that time to relax.

Heather - posted on 12/11/2009

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I'm so glad to know that I'm not alone. I don't know if I or our marraige can survive until my steps are out of the house. They hate me and are not afraid to say it. Unfortunately we have them all the time. DH doesn't discipline at all and gets upset with me when I say he should. My stepdaughter is 12 and stepson is 10. We also have a daughter together that will be 3 in Jan. It is so hard. I don't want my baby to grow up to be a disrespectful unappreciative b**** like my SD. This is not what I signed up for. They are ruining our lives and our marriage. I love my husband and I want my daughter to grow up with her daddy, but I just don't know if I can do it.

Amber - posted on 12/09/2009

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Quoting T:

I'm finding some common threads here that I thought I'd share my experiences on:
Doing the laundry (chores, cooking, cleaning, etc.)
I REFUSE to do all the chores.
I REFUSE to accommodate my SS for dinner if he and his dad REFUSE to coordinate schedules, needs, and expectations with me. We have an agreement that we will both decide together the schedules, events, when the SS can come in and out (he's 17), etc. When they don't include me, I leave them out in turn...no dinner, no groceries, no accommodations. Take it our leave it.
I REFUSE to do their laundry (not even my husband's--his half of the towels will sit there until they rot for all I care, I've even thrown them outside).
I REFUSE to be badgered into living in conditions I find unacceptable. I've thrown outside in the rain shoes that were left on the carpet (we have a no shoes on the carpet rule). I've made dinner for 2 because I was not informed the SS would be home, and he wasn't home when I made dinner, then let him eat cereal or nothing. I've thrown away stuff that I've asked to be taken care of. I've dumped dirty clothes, dishes, pop bottles, in one big pile on the stairs up to the SS's room. Pretty much the same way I raised my kids--if you can't cooperate, you can't benefit.
I REFUSE to allow my SS to use the cell phone that is on my plan and that I pay for, when he runs past his share of minutes (Verizon parent controls are a wonderful thing). Boy, does this get their attention. My husband would just pay the extra, even as far as putting it on a credit card.
I REFUSE to allow my rules to be broken; there are consequences to that --either my SS faces them, or he and his dad do. Yes, I get to be the wicked witch, but damn my house is much more peaceful since I did that.
I REFUSE to pretend to feel warm and fuzzy with my husband when he blatantly leaves me out or discards our plans in order to rescue or enable the SS in poor choices and behaviors. I went on vacation by myself (with my grandkids) this year because the SS OD'd and had to be in subsequent outpatient treatment, during which I coordinated, paid for health benefits & copays, and did all the investigative work to find out the drug, where it came from, and thereby help save his life; only to turn around and have the hubby let both SS and the BM treat me like dirt, as well as throw our vacation out the window because he wouldn't just let the BM take care of him. If he doesn't include me, he doesn't have the benefit of my closeness and support. Much of the time I barely talk to him, I go about my business and leave him to his. (This, my friends, is getting really old.)
I REFUSE to be all warm and fuzzy with my SS when he ignores me or treats me like dirt. If I am angry, I don't allow his dad to be in the middle--I handle it however I see fit. Again, take it or leave it boys.
I REFUSE to run and change my plans every time the SS decides he wants us to change them.
I REFUSE to allow the BM to change her visitation weekends and thereby screw up any plans we make (SS can't stay alone here because of sub abuse and other misbehaviors)--I've left my hubby home alone on date night because he allowed her to dictate these changes without even talking to me.
I REFUSE to cater to either of them if they don't include me.

So; for those of you who cater, when are you going to reclaim your life and stop?
For those of you who are thinking of leaving, have you drawn clear boundaries and stood by them? Are you enabling the behaviors of both your step kids and your husband/SO? If you have not drawn boundaries and set consequences, I encourage you to do so.

I did have the wisdom to not remarry before my youngest graduated from high school. BEST DECISION I EVER MADE. And yes, I miss my own house. Biggest mistake I ever made was agreeing to move into his for a couple of short years--he is now refusing to sell and get our own. Ugh. There's a boundary that's coming up--sell it and get our own, or I get my own.

Wherever you live, it is also YOUR home, and 50% of the rules are YOURS. Make it so, and if he doesn't like it--then either make your own home, or let HIM leave.


 

Amber - posted on 12/09/2009

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Quoting T:

I'm finding some common threads here that I thought I'd share my experiences on:
Doing the laundry (chores, cooking, cleaning, etc.)
I REFUSE to do all the chores.
I REFUSE to accommodate my SS for dinner if he and his dad REFUSE to coordinate schedules, needs, and expectations with me. We have an agreement that we will both decide together the schedules, events, when the SS can come in and out (he's 17), etc. When they don't include me, I leave them out in turn...no dinner, no groceries, no accommodations. Take it our leave it.
I REFUSE to do their laundry (not even my husband's--his half of the towels will sit there until they rot for all I care, I've even thrown them outside).
I REFUSE to be badgered into living in conditions I find unacceptable. I've thrown outside in the rain shoes that were left on the carpet (we have a no shoes on the carpet rule). I've made dinner for 2 because I was not informed the SS would be home, and he wasn't home when I made dinner, then let him eat cereal or nothing. I've thrown away stuff that I've asked to be taken care of. I've dumped dirty clothes, dishes, pop bottles, in one big pile on the stairs up to the SS's room. Pretty much the same way I raised my kids--if you can't cooperate, you can't benefit.
I REFUSE to allow my SS to use the cell phone that is on my plan and that I pay for, when he runs past his share of minutes (Verizon parent controls are a wonderful thing). Boy, does this get their attention. My husband would just pay the extra, even as far as putting it on a credit card.
I REFUSE to allow my rules to be broken; there are consequences to that --either my SS faces them, or he and his dad do. Yes, I get to be the wicked witch, but damn my house is much more peaceful since I did that.
I REFUSE to pretend to feel warm and fuzzy with my husband when he blatantly leaves me out or discards our plans in order to rescue or enable the SS in poor choices and behaviors. I went on vacation by myself (with my grandkids) this year because the SS OD'd and had to be in subsequent outpatient treatment, during which I coordinated, paid for health benefits & copays, and did all the investigative work to find out the drug, where it came from, and thereby help save his life; only to turn around and have the hubby let both SS and the BM treat me like dirt, as well as throw our vacation out the window because he wouldn't just let the BM take care of him. If he doesn't include me, he doesn't have the benefit of my closeness and support. Much of the time I barely talk to him, I go about my business and leave him to his. (This, my friends, is getting really old.)
I REFUSE to be all warm and fuzzy with my SS when he ignores me or treats me like dirt. If I am angry, I don't allow his dad to be in the middle--I handle it however I see fit. Again, take it or leave it boys.
I REFUSE to run and change my plans every time the SS decides he wants us to change them.
I REFUSE to allow the BM to change her visitation weekends and thereby screw up any plans we make (SS can't stay alone here because of sub abuse and other misbehaviors)--I've left my hubby home alone on date night because he allowed her to dictate these changes without even talking to me.
I REFUSE to cater to either of them if they don't include me.

So; for those of you who cater, when are you going to reclaim your life and stop?
For those of you who are thinking of leaving, have you drawn clear boundaries and stood by them? Are you enabling the behaviors of both your step kids and your husband/SO? If you have not drawn boundaries and set consequences, I encourage you to do so.

I did have the wisdom to not remarry before my youngest graduated from high school. BEST DECISION I EVER MADE. And yes, I miss my own house. Biggest mistake I ever made was agreeing to move into his for a couple of short years--he is now refusing to sell and get our own. Ugh. There's a boundary that's coming up--sell it and get our own, or I get my own.

Wherever you live, it is also YOUR home, and 50% of the rules are YOURS. Make it so, and if he doesn't like it--then either make your own home, or let HIM leave.


 

Larissa - posted on 12/09/2009

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T Partridge, I cannot agree more with you! I HAVE set boundaries and my husband does agree to what I say, and I have seen a major change in him over the last 4 months. I may not be as strict as you (not a bad thing) but I do have boundaries. You are absolutely right in everything you said though. Obviously a man or even a woman will always love their kids more than anyone else, but that doesnt mean you treat eachother like it. The kids will grow up and be out of the house one day and you two will still have eachother, so its best to find compromise sooner than later. After I opened his eyes to how much discipline is needed he sure has come around, and now he's the first one to jump up and punish them.

T - posted on 12/09/2009

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I'm finding some common threads here that I thought I'd share my experiences on:

Doing the laundry (chores, cooking, cleaning, etc.)

I REFUSE to do all the chores.

I REFUSE to accommodate my SS for dinner if he and his dad REFUSE to coordinate schedules, needs, and expectations with me. We have an agreement that we will both decide together the schedules, events, when the SS can come in and out (he's 17), etc. When they don't include me, I leave them out in turn...no dinner, no groceries, no accommodations. Take it our leave it.

I REFUSE to do their laundry (not even my husband's--his half of the towels will sit there until they rot for all I care, I've even thrown them outside).

I REFUSE to be badgered into living in conditions I find unacceptable. I've thrown outside in the rain shoes that were left on the carpet (we have a no shoes on the carpet rule). I've made dinner for 2 because I was not informed the SS would be home, and he wasn't home when I made dinner, then let him eat cereal or nothing. I've thrown away stuff that I've asked to be taken care of. I've dumped dirty clothes, dishes, pop bottles, in one big pile on the stairs up to the SS's room. Pretty much the same way I raised my kids--if you can't cooperate, you can't benefit.

I REFUSE to allow my SS to use the cell phone that is on my plan and that I pay for, when he runs past his share of minutes (Verizon parent controls are a wonderful thing). Boy, does this get their attention. My husband would just pay the extra, even as far as putting it on a credit card.

I REFUSE to allow my rules to be broken; there are consequences to that --either my SS faces them, or he and his dad do. Yes, I get to be the wicked witch, but damn my house is much more peaceful since I did that.

I REFUSE to pretend to feel warm and fuzzy with my husband when he blatantly leaves me out or discards our plans in order to rescue or enable the SS in poor choices and behaviors. I went on vacation by myself (with my grandkids) this year because the SS OD'd and had to be in subsequent outpatient treatment, during which I coordinated, paid for health benefits & copays, and did all the investigative work to find out the drug, where it came from, and thereby help save his life; only to turn around and have the hubby let both SS and the BM treat me like dirt, as well as throw our vacation out the window because he wouldn't just let the BM take care of him. If he doesn't include me, he doesn't have the benefit of my closeness and support. Much of the time I barely talk to him, I go about my business and leave him to his. (This, my friends, is getting really old.)

I REFUSE to be all warm and fuzzy with my SS when he ignores me or treats me like dirt. If I am angry, I don't allow his dad to be in the middle--I handle it however I see fit. Again, take it or leave it boys.

I REFUSE to run and change my plans every time the SS decides he wants us to change them.

I REFUSE to allow the BM to change her visitation weekends and thereby screw up any plans we make (SS can't stay alone here because of sub abuse and other misbehaviors)--I've left my hubby home alone on date night because he allowed her to dictate these changes without even talking to me.

I REFUSE to cater to either of them if they don't include me.



So; for those of you who cater, when are you going to reclaim your life and stop?

For those of you who are thinking of leaving, have you drawn clear boundaries and stood by them? Are you enabling the behaviors of both your step kids and your husband/SO? If you have not drawn boundaries and set consequences, I encourage you to do so.



I did have the wisdom to not remarry before my youngest graduated from high school. BEST DECISION I EVER MADE. And yes, I miss my own house. Biggest mistake I ever made was agreeing to move into his for a couple of short years--he is now refusing to sell and get our own. Ugh. There's a boundary that's coming up--sell it and get our own, or I get my own.



Wherever you live, it is also YOUR home, and 50% of the rules are YOURS. Make it so, and if he doesn't like it--then either make your own home, or let HIM leave.

T - posted on 12/09/2009

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Quoting amber:

I HATE TO SAY IT TO ANY OF YOU BUT MAYBE A SEPARATION IS NEEDED! let them take care of the kids by themselves. they do not realize the support they have and that they are really taking advantage!the kids will not change until the parents do. maybe separate and spend some much needed time w/ your own kids....if he really loves you and loves his family...he'll wise up!



That is exactly what I did--packed my bags, took a hotel room, and started looking at other places to live.  My husband came around, but watch it--in a very short time he threw all our agreements about coordination and rules as a couple out the window and has returned to his previous behavior (leaves me out of all decisions and hides things from me, makes excuses when his son behaves poorly, doesn't include me when his son has successes or needs decision help, I could go on and on).  So...leaving temporarily may help, or it may not.  It was at least worth the try.  Now I know that things will never change, and have to decide (after the holidays) if that's a life style I need to live without.

T - posted on 12/09/2009

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Quoting Danielle:

I am so there with you. I love my SS they are 5 and 7 but they drive me nuts sometimes. They are spoiled by their BM and she never disciplines them. The youngest lies about everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. He will even blame me or the other kids if he falls and hurts himself even if n one is anywhere near him. When we go on family vacations they refuse to do anything with anyone other than their dad and then they won't do anything that our older girls want to do so the girls miss out all the time on doing things with their dad. The SS's are only at our house three days a week and they never listen to me and refuse to follow the rules. Their dad is only off on the days they are here so once again the girls miss out on spending time with their dad because of the boys. I try and try to talk to their dad about it but he just won't listen and he gets mad whenever I try to broach the subj. We are supposed to get married this coming October and I am actually considering postponing the wedding I have been dreaming of for three years because I am so stressed I don't know if I can take this much longer.


Run away, run away.  You know as we all do that men do not change their behavior after the marriage; it typically gets worse.  These children are engaging in divide and conquer behavior, and their father is allowing it.  It is an unhappy, unfair situation that never gets better.  It can always be argued that they are testing the waters to see if you really are more important to him than them--lots of kids do this to their married bio parents.  It's always worse with step families, and will never get better if he shows no sign of standing with you as a couple.  Dump it now, save yourself a lot of grief.  They are young; it's not like you can just wait a couple of years and it will go away.

Larissa - posted on 12/09/2009

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WOW! I really thought I was the only one to feel this way! Thank you so much for posting this. My husband has 2 girls too, and ive been there since right after the youngest turned 1. Sometimes they drive me nuts, especially when my husband thinks he has to overcompensate for them not being around all the time, so he ignores me and out infant son. Whats gonna happen when our son gets older and realizes daddy isnt paying attention to him when his sisters come over. Not to mention neither one of the girls know how to listen because their mother has no backbone, and acts like shes as old as they are. I hate the fact we have to spend money on them because their mother doesnt buy them any new clothes and my son could use the money for diapers and formula... ugh... and they whine allllll the time about everything. they are 4 and 5 and the oldest one can be so mean to the younger one, and the younger one acts like she is still a baby... because her BM treats her like one!! and all the while, my husband thinks they are perfect angels!!!

Danielle - posted on 12/09/2009

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I have considered the same thing. We have been living together for almost four years now and I find myself wistfully thinking of my former apt sometimes. LoL. But the crappy part is I still love him and the kids, I just don't know how much more I can take. I worked 6am-6pm on Monday then came home and cleaned and did laundry for three hours. Tuesday I worked 6am-6pm again only to come home to a trashed out house and another mountain of laundry because heaven forbid he make the boys pick up after themselves or bring down their laundry when they are supposed to. sometimes I just want to curl up and cry but I know I can't cause I have to take care of my girls.

Shelby - posted on 12/09/2009

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yes,danielle,it is hard when we have to watch the husband treat us and ours different,i understand that they are their kids too,but dont forget about what you have right under your nose guys..my husband i think is in need of a wake up call.i am seriously considering getting a studio for when the steps are here and just not dealing with any of it anymore.sad me and dd have be chased from our own home and her toys and comfort zone though..

Danielle - posted on 12/09/2009

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I try to talk to Kevin about this but he just gets mad and tells me that he only has the boys three days a week so he wants to spend that time with them. Never mind the fact that those are his only days off of work and he works 11am to 9pm the rest of the week so the girls don't get to see him. He thinks that taking them to school at night and coming home for dinner a few days a week makes up for not spending one on one time with them the way he does the boys. Growing up I always felt like a second class citizen because of my step dad and I refuse to let my girls feel like that. I just can't figure out how to talk to kevin without him getting al huffy and mad about it. He tells me I am making a big deal out of nothing but to me the girls being upset over this makes it a big deal

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Emily it will get better I promise- I thought my youngest SS's would never EVER so much as say thank you to me and now - yrs later- he prefers me to his mother. That is so very sad but she has no one to blame but herself for that.

Emily - posted on 12/08/2009

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the only thing it harder on step moms because of what we have to do and go thought. also having the step child telling you that mom is better and all you do for them no thank you

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