Up in arms

Tara Lee - posted on 07/08/2010

I know it can be very hard at times, and you NEED your hubby's help and support. Otherwise, what are you even trying for? I know I went through the whole "what am I doing?" stage, and I thought about giving up, but I love my husband and even with the frustrations I love my SKs, and I'd be damned if I let a child (teenager when the troubles started) rune my happiness. One of the things that got me through was remembering that they(SKs) wouldn't be 'kids' forever and as they 'grew up' it did get better. My SS actually pulled me aside later (about age 19-20) and thanked me for being the 'mean one', the one who didn't give in and stood up to his behavior and problem, the one who said NO. He said he was sorry for all the things he said to me (and about me) and that even when he was saying them he really didn't mean them and than he told me he loved me and gave me a big hug. Well, do I have to tell you, I cried like a baby. It didn't erase the past, but I knew then that I made the right choices. And I love my family very much, and I know they love me right back.

As for you being the bigger person and letting her in, that's something you need to figure out how to do if you want a relationship with her. It is hard and can be heart breaking. You just need to figure out if you believe it's worth it, and if you really want it. No one can make you love someone else. It would also help if you had a friend that is neutral that you can talk to about your feelings both good and bad. It really helps to vent. Good Luck!

Jocelynn - posted on 07/07/2010

Thank you Tara for the advice, it was helpful. Me and DH definitely need to sit down and review the rules and chores for all of the kids and then talk with them. Especially with school starting in Aug so everyone knows what to expect and there is no miscommunication on the expections. I'll have to work on the smothering part, it's very hard for me to let my guard down even a little bit since in the past when I did do things with her and took her places just me and her she didn't seem too appreciative and then that outburst of hers. I know I shouldn't hold on to a grudge and be the "bigger person" since I am the adult but she just keeps disrespecting me and disregarding me like I have no say in anything and my hubby makes all the rules so I am not too quick to do anything for her. So I'll have to work on that. :-)

Tara Lee - posted on 07/07/2010

Unfortunately, even with her 'problems', it sounds like some of it is being a typical teenage girl. The way I see it, you can go in different directions.



ONE: Smother her with love and kindness. Doesn't matter that she ignores you, just keep it coming. Don't quit. Be strong. Show her what a 'healthy' family is suppose to be like. And that she can be apart of it...IS a part of it. That the only thing stopping her is HER.



TWO: Lay down the law. Sit her down, lay out the rules and consequences. And follow through. You'll need your DH co-operation. (In the extreme: I would stop doing things for her-she can make her own food and clean up, do her own laundry...if she doesn't want to be part of the family, then she doesn't get to be.)



THREE: I'm sure there is a 'happy medium' between one and two, but with her attitude, I think it would be hard to find the 'right' balance for her situation. But if you can, it would be the best option.

And no matter what you decide to do, the one thing I would definitely do, is to limit her time on the computer/phone when visiting. She's there to VISIT.



I don't know how much I have helped, if at all, but Good Luck!

Jocelynn - posted on 07/05/2010

My SD actually did go to counseling on and off for the past 4 years at first to help "deal" with the dirvorce of BPs and then a ED was discovered during one of the sessions. So BPs have been trying to get SD for help with that as well since the counselor stated that the ED manifested from a rocky childhood.Which I know is one of the reason why SD BPs are afraid to say something in fear of "shaming" SD because she has a lot of other things to deal with. Even with more intensive counseling for recovery SD still blames parents for her issues and in a way SD shoves that she is not completely recovered and doesn't want to when she does stuff that is in the ED right in front of everyone. Do teenage girls nowadays want to be the 'torchered soul" and act damaged? It's just kind of fishy to me on the behaviors and the reasons behind them. I hate to say that, considering me and SD used to talk until SD blasted me and the BP's on a website and screamed at me and DH about not "choosing" this new life, which I have some walls up when it comes to emotions and trust and I let them down with her and I felt like it was thrown back in my face so yeah I got hurt. Things between SD are very strained she doesn't go out of the way to say Hi or bye or even acknowledge I am in the same room. I'm not sure what the right answer is for that. But me and hubby did talk a little last night and when SD asked for something at the store DH did say no and we didn't go, so that was a step in the right direction. Thank you for responding to me, I really appreciate it. I just feel like every time she is here drama always comes up and some tension. Even my two youngest BBs try to talk to SD but she doesn't seem too interested to talk. SD is on the computer from the time she comes in our door until she leaves to BMs house. I don't know this is all too new for me. My BBs ages run from 11 to 15 and since they are boys, teenage girls are a whole different ballgame.

Tara Lee - posted on 07/04/2010

oh, I sort of agree with your hubby, that, if SD misbehaves at BM house than that's up to her to address, HOWEVER, in situations were the law is involved or there is a danger to someone, then it's up to BOTH(all, including you) parents to address. And if BM wont, than DH, better. For the sake of the child.

Megan - posted on 07/03/2010

My husband and I have had similar issues regarding discipline. We saw a marriage counselor and a lot of things have been working better. In theory my husband agrees with my take on discipline, but in practice he doesn't know how to follow through. This is exactly what the counseling helped with. It sounds like your SD would also benefit from some counseling herself, if that is possible. If neither of her parents hold her accountable for her actions she may feel some insecurity due to lack of boundaries (which she, of course, would never admit to her parents but a therapist would recognize.)

I sort of agree that you cannot punish SD for what happens at mom's house. It may be best if you and your husband can agree on how to address issues in your home and thereby demonstrate to SD what a stable and secure home looks like, and that necessarily includes boundaries. Best of luck.

Tara Lee - posted on 07/03/2010

I had a similar situation when I first got together with my DH...we would get his kids about once a month(they lived 5 hours away)...he would allow them to do anything, stay up late, not have to do anything...luckily, they were pretty good kids though...anyway, as they got older and moved back into our area, and we got to see them almost daily(they lived down the street), they still expected to be treated the same and that was NOT going to happen...I know it is hard, but you have to sit down with your hubby and have a long discussion about the situation...tell him how you're feeling, tell him it's not his parenting you're having a problem with, it's her(SD) behavior...let him know you don't think it's fair that the other kids in the house have rules and consequences but she doesn't...and if she(SD) is 'suffering' that much , or 'had a tough childhood', then maybe it's time to get her some help, like a counselor of some kind...see if you can get him to see that she needs help, rules and stability , because the way things are now, are not doing her any good...try and be calm and choose your words carefully so that he doesn't go all defencive on you...we all know that once men get defencive, it doesn't matter how right you are they will argue anyway...good luck, and I hope things get better...