What are the 3 top questions you should ask...

Megan - posted on 03/31/2010

Bronwyn, I have been thinking about the same thing lately. If something were to happen to my husband, my daughter would lose her father and, most likely, both her siblings. It's hard to think about because this would be devastating for my daughter. She adores her brother and sister. This is a very sad reality.

Bronwyn - posted on 03/31/2010

We've had some teething problems but now that things are good something that to me is much more scary comes to mind. We have just bought a property together and made out our wills as part of the solicitor's deal and realised that if something happens to one of us the one that's left might not be 'allowed' to be in the life of their stepchild and the kids may never see each other again. We both hate to think of one of the kids dealing with the loss of their biological parent and not having their step parent and sibling still in their lives. Hopefully this isn't something that we'll have to really deal with but when it comes down to it the step parents have no rights

Megan - posted on 03/30/2010

Question number one: Am I emotionally and mentally prepared to deal maturely with the inevitable drama? Will I be able to stand up for what I think is right and let the rest go without it affecting me?



Question number two: Is my husband/fiance going to support our relationship, make it a top priority, and demonstrate my legitimacy to his children through his actions?



Question number three: Finances. Am I prepared to contribute a major portion of the household income, even if I have children of my own? Can I accept the fact that I may have to give up things that I want because my husband has prior financial obligations?

Claudette - posted on 03/30/2010

Hi Christine. Thanks for your honest comment. I can see that it really bothered you that idea of discussing finances regarding paying for various things for the stepkids. As Mandie says, it so depends on your family situation. As for myself, the money that I made equaled what my husband was giving as child support plus support me and my son all will the BM didn't work because she didn't need to.
You are right though that we are talking about a child but resentment does and will creep in if a person feels taken advantage of over time.
That is why I asked the what were the things you should ask yourself before getting involved.
I've worked with many stepmoms and let me tell you, many feel angry, resentment and betrayed in their role, and this is something that happened over time.
I appreciate your comments.
Thanks Mandie for sharing your thoughts too.

April - posted on 03/28/2010

These are the three questions that I would ask...
Are you mature enough to take care of the child?
Are you ready to put your needs/wants aside to make sure that the kids have everything they need?
Are you alright with not being the center of attention to your partner?

When we first got full custody of my step children I had a hard time with not being the center of attention. It took some getting used to as when my fiance and I first got together, for the first year... it was just us, we weren't even able to talk to the kids. Now we have had custody of them for over a year and we have just come to realize that we have to make time for "US" also.

Mandie - posted on 03/28/2010

I have to say, I think the financial questions are sensible ones. These are things you would consider and any commitment situation- for instance I have married friends who do not share each other's money b/c one of them was much wealthier than the other when they met. It's not how I personally would do things but that's what they worked out for them as a couple. Clearly they gave finances some thougth before they married.

Also it's relevant b/c what you think at the start of the relationship and what turns out to be the reality can be 2 different things and the reality can make you resentful. For instance, when I got involved with my hubby I had no problem at all in spending 'my' money on his kids (this is obviously before we had our own). I still dont, but 7 years on, if I'd knwon then what i know now, I might have made a different decision- b/c there IS resentment, not towards hubby or my SS's but towards BM- until very recently she has refused to work and for some of that time was paying nothing at all towards the kids' upkeep whilst we had them and HER daughter full-time. To be fair to her at the time she wasn't able to contribute but lhad promised several times that later when she was totally able she would, well to this day we have we got not a cent! It didn't really bother me until we started having our own kids and I was forced to go back to work b/c she refused to work and SOMEONE had to help their father be finacially responsible for HER children. At that point resentment set in- I have worked all my life, since I was 15 and when I wanted to take a break and be at home with my baby I couldn't b/c this selfish woman refused to help support her own kids!! It's only recently, sicne she has got married and started working again, that I have finally been able to stop work and be with my babies. So actually, I think it is quite relevant.

Christine - posted on 03/27/2010

Yeah, it is me once again. Tbh this whole post confuses me and upsets me. Y'all do know you are talkign about a child right? No matter the difficulites or problems that may occur becuase of a step-child they are still a child and now they are your child, treat them as such. I did want to say, if the child is in your home, then you discipline them as you would your own children. No more, no less.

Christine - posted on 03/27/2010

I don't know maybe it is just me, but when I married my husband my questions were not even along them lines. See the kids are number one step or not. Here were my question.
Will I be able to not show any FAVORITISM among the children?
Will the mother allow me to spend time with my stepkids?
Will I be able to be a part of my step-child's life?
Will she/he love me as much as I love them?

Tbh your questions bug me especially the financially ones. The last one makes sense, but if you are taking the children into your home they are now your kids as well and should be treated as such. Do you ask yoruself will I pay for my bd/bs college, dental, marriage? Will I drive my bd/bs to their school activities? Sorry if I am offending you, but your questions other than the last one only appear selfish to me.

Janan - posted on 03/25/2010

My Husband who has 2 other children (with 2 different mothers) besides the one we have, said, I could never be a step parent, it's not for me. I laughed & said WHAT???? yet I am a step parent to 2 kids who have 2 different mothers & 2 different ways of doing things. Yet, you yourself would not want to get involved in a relationship with a woman in same situation as you. he said, jealousy would kick in too much & would cause a huge issue. I said, well we have the SAME issues & have to suck it up. I guess, my questions would be, when do we "stop" trying to Fix what BM does weekly? (we can only do so much on weekend visits) when is it enough to finally put your foots down in a BM situation or a Step child saying my mommy lets me do this & that etc.?
It's hard listening to stories about BM's & how the kids will say Me & Mommy did this & that, I feel like saying who the F cares! I don't want to hear about your stupid A** mother, she is a selfish B*tch & doesn't deserve you as a child..etc..but we have to be quiet & let the child talk. Yet the BM's are able to bad mouth us & their fathers all the time & we have to ask ourselves, can we handle this for a period as long at 10-20 years or more possibly? All in all, I feel it boils down to the Husbands we end up with. If the relationship is really a good one, where he steps up & backs you up on things It might be worth the drama. But if there's drama between you & Hubby already, even normal relationship stuff, the BM drama will exasperate the situation& you may want to throw in the towell I don't think I would do it again, myself I have health issues, Fibromyalgia & have NO help with my little one because he is tied up taking care of the other 2 & the expense of it all is awful, he pays about $1300 a month for both, we live in a 1 bedroom apartment while 1 mom lives in a House in Georiga & the other a 2 bedroom apartment in a high scale area Princeton, yet we can't afford to live in a decent area because of the step kids child support, ask yourself are you willing to sacrifice your living lifestyle for however long the child support affects your lives? There's a lot to handle believe me.

Claudette - posted on 03/23/2010

So far, I've received many great responses to this post. Amazing what we can learn by asking a few questions. Do any of you have more to add to this list? Any comments?

Mandie - posted on 03/09/2010

Thnaks Claudette, I will send you a PM on this topic. xoxoxox

Claudette - posted on 03/09/2010

Mandie. Every situation is unique and although we do have similarities, no one can really be expected to live up to standards that make us sick. That is why having very clear boundaries to protect your mental, emotional and physical safety should always come first.

I find that you show great strength of character in not acting on something that is part of your training.

I don't think that having a violent person in your home is a requirement to be thought of as a good stepparent. I see being a good parent/stepparent as someone that regards the needs and safety of the children as well as the adults in the home as important.
This is a very good conversation that brings up some really important points.
Anyone else has something to add?

Mandie - posted on 03/09/2010

I like and agree with all these answers- well-thought out ladies. The only I would add (which I realise is not relevant to everyone's situation) is 1) Can I hold back when BM is violent towards me? The answer, I have found over the last 7 yrs is 'yes' but it's very hard, esp as I am a recently retired Police Officer and am mentally 'programmed' to respond quickly to restrain violent people. I think thus far the reason is for my SS's- I didnt want them to see me 'hurt' their mother or to sink to her level- they know she is naturally an aggressive person so it doesn't shock them that much when she's violent but I think it would scare the life out of them if I became physical with her b/c it's out of character for me. And I can relate Debbie, I feel sick just hearing her name b/c of the above. And as for having her in my home- hell would have to freeze over first, I wouldn't even have her in my street.

Debbie - posted on 03/09/2010

Yes Julie I like that one too!
Renee, I have been stuggling with this one for 16yrs, I dont see an end in sight. Everytime I see her picture on my kids pages I heave, literally. I know thats bad but she makes me sick. I would like to forgive and usually I am good at it, she just does stuff again and again, brings it all back.

Julie - posted on 03/09/2010

The biggest question I would have asked myself is...Am I emotionally ready to give everything of myself to these children and get no recognition, love or consideration in return for quite some time? 9 years of raising them and not once have I gotten to be the "important parent".

Miranda - posted on 03/09/2010

Husband..LOL (husbands... I may have some explaining to do with that typo...LOL)

Miranda - posted on 03/09/2010

I would offer advice for women to ask questions such as:
(a) Can I accept another Womens child into my life?
(b) Will I still be able to accept this child when the mother plays the child against me, my husbands and my family, it in most cases does happen...don't be fooled!
(c) Can I accept and work through seeing and having his ex involved somewhat in my life?
(d) Can I live with another persons way of raising a child that is not necessarily what I would do?
(e) At times when you are furious, can you bite your tongue?

These are my offers of advice. Trust me... I didn't envision having to even deal with a third of this, but I have and do.

Claudette - posted on 03/09/2010

Thanks Renee for being so open and honest about these questions. Forgiveness is a big one I think. I've been a stepmom for twenty 20 years now and there were things that happened between the girls and I and their moms. I've had to stay in a homeless shelter with my son for about 3 months, which was probably THE hardest thing I've had to do (this is a book in itself), and the restraining orders I've had from their mom. But in the end, the relationship I have with my stepdaughter is really strong and loving. They voted me at their weddings the best Stepmom in the World :0). As for their mom, she spent Christmas Holidays in our house for a week (She didn't stay at our house though-there are some boundaries). I needed to forgive them for myself and no one else. It was eating me alive. I much rather be where I am now than 110-15 years ago. But I had a LOT of support.

Renee - posted on 03/09/2010

Am I willing to accept step kids as my own?
How will holiday schedules work out?
I'm sure there are many more questions, can't think of any right now.
The one I like the most is, Am I mentally able to forgive and forget when the girl inside me wants revenge, this is something I struggle with still after 10 years.

Claudette - posted on 03/08/2010

Thanks for sharing this. I know that these are really tough questions and sometimes, we don't really want to know the answers to them before, in fear of finding out the truth.
But I really thank you for posting them.

Debbie - posted on 03/08/2010

This is a hrad one really, every situation is different. It's easier to ask questions now I know the answers, here we go-

1) Am I emotionally prepared in myself to have my heart broken, repaired and then broken again?

2) Am I mentally able to forgive and forget, when the girl inside me wants revenge?

3) Is my husband going to support me and descisions I make for our family?

4) Is my relationship strong enough to go through the previous questions?