wHAT TO DO

Marina - posted on 02/11/2010 ( 3 moms have responded )

Good Morning All, I have been lurking and reading what all is going on with everyone and just havent known how to put everything together so you can see the whole picture I apoligise for this been so long so here goes. I This is my second marriage his 3rd I have 3 b/o children all grown up and live in Australia he has 2 b/o children from his 1st marriage. When I came over here for a vacation I never even gave it a thought that I would find someone and fall in love and get married that was 9 years ago. It hasn't been easy with none of my family or friends here and still not having that one person that you can sit down and just talk to. Both his marriages were hard on him he was taken thru the wringer with both of them finacially and emotionally but we struggled thru knowing one day it will get better. After his 1st divorce he wasnt able to be in his kids lives because of his ex's antics and her new husband at that stage he would only have minimal contact with them and this caused them to not really know him after I came into the picture i tried to change it and for him to have more contact either by phone or see them we lived 3 hours away so it wasnt possible to see them when we could due to the distance and his commitment with the army and they always had to much on, but we tried. Then after 2 years when a fire destroyed the house/apt we were living caught fire we decided to move closer to the kids 20 minutes away hoping to have more contact and be in their lives more they were around 8 and 11 y/o. We we did visit it was at his ex's home and we stayed there the whole day it was uncomfortable there was something about his ex's husband that I didnt like but I put it aside and was polite and tried to enjoy myself if we took the kids to eat or shopping they came along as well. But even after moving closer it seemed that tried everything to keep us from seeing the kids no there not here or they have this and that on it was never ending but we didnt give up, Then a few months later his ex's husband left them and went south all of a sudden we were allowed to see the kids and do things with them making plans to have for a week during the summer vacations and so on. Husband got a job from the army to work up at Camp perry for a month or two I happen to be with him up there when we get a call from his ex on a Sunday saying they were moving down south that Wednesday after that we got no more phone calls didnt have a forwarding address or phone number nothing. Finally my husband found a full time job as an over the road truck driver almost 2 years pass when he comes home late one friday night as sits at the dinner table reading the paper when he calls me to ask if I had read todays paper at all I said no hadnt had the chance on the front page is a photo of his ex's husband. It said Local man accused of raping and tying up stepdaughter, we were in shock as we read it in more detail. this was around 11pm we had an idea what county they were in now and so called the police to get more information but they refused to help us telling him that they couldnt give him any info he was not the custodial parent. He remembered his ex mum's number and called her she finally gave us a number we called and called several times finally the following day the ex calls us and we get in the car and drive the 4-5 hour journey the s/d is fine the ex's husband is in jail but thru it all the ex denies it was him and so on but the courts found him guilty. Then even the s/d said i dont think it was him but we know that she has been somewhat made to believe all this anyways after that he lost contact again phone was changed.

Then a year later while walking thru Walmart we ran into his son finding out that they have moved back here from there we started all over again with having contct with them and with the ex's husband out of the picture things were going well. We saw the kids more now even if I didnt agree or like the way these kids were bought up plus the values they have been taught i kept quite. We sson realised that the ex was still having contact with her husband and going down to see him often on weekends leaving the kids then 12 and 15 home to defend for themselves with hardly any food or even a phone, we happened to be in the area one saturday to find this out and when I walked into the house it was disgusting dirty it was a pigsty and there is no excuse for anyone to live in such a state so we tried to talk to the kids and enocourage them to tidy this place up so instead doing my grocery shopping hubby and i stayed there to help them I spent 0ver 6 hours cleaning the kitchen while they worked on other rooms the place wasnt sparkling but it was cleaned except for the one dish that I refused to clean a crockpot that was half full and growing mold badly I placed it at the backdoor for the ex to clean, then we took the kids home with us and returned them Sunday nite. A month later same thing again the house was a disaster once again but not as bad but still we cleaned again. After the 3rd time I refused to clean his ex wife place I felt bad for the kids but they were just lazy as far as I was concern. Since then I stopped going over there but told hubby he could see his kids anytime he wanted but I am not going over there and having to stay in that house all day. I tried everything I went out of my way to be nice to them help them try to teach them some values, when we have them here I didnt ask them to do anything just keep there rooms cleaned and put whatever dish they used in the sink. I dont work the house is always cleaned so when they came to visit I wanted them to relax and have the time with their father but they hardly spoke to us played on the dam compture all day or watch TV then stay up so late that they sllep until noon or later it left us with no time to do anything with them. It was like they came over to eat and sleep and use the computer thats it. Finally after 2 yrs I had enough I told the hubby that if they want to come thats fine but come over to be with us not use us. I guess they choose not to come over and I started to enforce rules in my own home. We have both gone out of our way and during all these years we never had the money to do anything for my own children like send then something from us. Thru 2009 I have only seen them twice never any phone calls nothing except to the hubby when they needed something. We have talked about visiting Australia and maybe if he likes it enough moving there, but it always gets thrown at him by his ex if you move it will hurt his son he wont see you anymore well shit they diont want anything to do with us now. There is so much in between that hasnt been mentioned. but basically I need to know what other think. (1) I have given up after 9 years of trying I now dont want anything to do with his kids I will always be there and will never deny him contact with them or even if they come here they are still and always will be part of our family but I am not going out of my way anymore is that so wrong. Also we just got a call that the boy 16 who just got his license was in a small fender bender one he shouldnt have been out on the road in the first place because of the road conditions 2. it was a school night 3 more than likely he was not on her insurance he calls his father tells him about it and wants us to pay his fine, I told hubby NO he needs to step up and take responsiblitly for his own action and his ex can pay for it. They all his ex the 2 kids need to start taking responsibilty for there own lives they need top get jobs and stop living on welfare and child support (we only pay for one child now) as the s/d is 19 and graduated but is to lazt to get out in the real world they have learnt from an early age to use anyone and everyone its so sad. The other thing is I afraid if we do visit Australia I dont know if I have enough strength to come back here, and if it will him choosing me or his children. I have family back home that are dying to see me and meet my hubby and so are my kids who are 24,22 and20 all boys and I know how they were bought up and know that they would treat him with respect and make him feel part of the family.



Thank you

So alone and so Frustrated.