What to do when DH doesn't control SS?

Pam - posted on 04/20/2010

Definitely. I wasn't suggesting that SS's behavior was acceptable, only that it will make you crazy to try to change it if DH isn't backing you up. Over the years I had to let SOOOO many things go, and I gradually got better at it (the letting go). The worst behavior started after I'd been a stepmom for 10 years, and had a child with my DH. If not for my bio-children, who were really small when it got bad, I wouldn't have stuck it out. I'm glad you're in counseling and it sounds like you've got a safe place to bring some of this up and work through it. Good luck!

Laura - posted on 04/20/2010

HI Pam!
I kind of figured out what you'd meant. Basically, when DH, SS, and SD do things together, I HAVE been doing things with our daughter. I get upset when DH spends money we dont have on the 2 kids, while our girl gets neglected, and she already sees her father so little (he works long days) she wants to be with him whenever he's around. I dont feel its right that she should suffer just because SS is being a j*ck*ss, and DH just doesn't see it (or refuses to do anything about it if he does). These are all things that need to be brought up to our counselor, so she can get a clear picture and advise us.

Pam - posted on 04/20/2010

I meant "refuse to do things for him" not "refuse to stop doing things for him." :o)

Pam - posted on 04/20/2010

First, let me say that I'm speaking from the viewpoint of a stepmom with 20+ years of experience. My 5 (yes, FIVE) stepkids are all adults now, and there were times when I didn't think my marriage would survive my stepsons' adolescence. Now that I've said that, I'll say the hardest part.

If dad is not backing you, you can object all you want, but nothing will change except that dad might see you as the source of the conflict. A 13 yo boy who knows that his dad will let him get away with murder is not likely to respond well to chastisement from his stepmom. Some of it may be adolescence, but most of it is probably divorced parent guilt.

IMHO, the best way that you can handle it is to stay out of as much as humanly possible with your SS as long as he's treating you badly. If you must say something, say it calmly and matter-of-factly and DON'T let him know that he's gotten under your skin. As long as you're calm and polite to your SS, you can always calmly remind him that you don't talk to him that way, and that you don't appreciate being talked to that way. If he continues to act like a jerk, you can refuse to stop doing things for him, and even count your blessings that you aren't expected to go on activities with him.

Unfortunately, there is probably not a way to change DH's reaction to this, unless you're willing to issue an ultimatum, which I don't recommend. All you can do is change your reaction, which may involve any of the above, and/or making fun plans for you and the baby while DH does something with the other kids. Eventually it may dawn on DH that this is a ridiculous way to go about things, but in the meantime, you've disengaged. Don't invest yourself in it and don't go out of your way...for example, providing transportation or doing laundry for a 13yo who can't treat you with any respect.... and in the meantime, find fun weekend alternatives.

Good luck, you have my empathy!

Chrissy - posted on 04/20/2010

It makes things extremely difficult when the partners ex does not co-operate, especially when she lets the child do whatever he pleases. Ive been there with that problem and I feel for you. But I was lucky enough to get those issues sorted out with my partner and his ex and kids. At least your hubby wants to do the counselling for him and involve you in the discipline, thats a positive step forward. Hope it works out. good luck

Laura - posted on 04/20/2010

Carolyn, Megan, Sharon, Anna and Chrissy...thank you all for your input! I had a talk with DH about this last night, and hes agreed that I should be able to correct SS if necessary when he's not around so that he "shows respect"...he just terms it differently, I now understand.

We still have some major differences, but we were able to talk without things getting out of hand, which was a first. We were discussing the need for me to be involved in discipline too...we've just got to get to the point where SS is a consistent part of our lives...his BM doesn't make him do anything he doesn't want to do...she'd rather be his friend than his parent....and his other SM (yes, BM is a lesbian) isnt any better. Chrissy....any time in the past Ive given DH an ultimatum, it just puts his back up, and gets nowhere. We're in counseling, so I'm sure these issues will be able to be worked out. We'd wanted to get SS in counseling, but BM told us we could only take him during our time with him, NOT hers. (She definitely wants not whats best for SS, but to hurt us.) Who's gonna counsel on the weekends, and if SS knew where he was going, he'd never come over! (He thinks DH needs the counseling, not him, that theres nothing wrong with him.) SS does really well in school, is in the band and track, and is even in advanced math...he saves his acting out for us.

Chrissy - posted on 04/20/2010

Megan Harris is right. The whole time while reading these comments I thought to myself, where is the support from your husband??? He needs to come down on that child, because that kid has some severe attitude problems. Not only that, he needs to support your feelings and emotions, especially when HIS child is showing you disrespect. He is not just being a 13 year old, because not all 13 year olds act like that. He is being a selfish little brat, and im sorry but your husband is letting him, even toward you. If I were you I wouldnt stand for it, and your husband should also be including you in the decision making about the discipline, and encouraging you to discipline that child also. I cant believe your husband lets his son treat you like that.
If that were my husband I would have gave him an altermatem, teach your child to show me respect or im out the door. Sounds harsh, but you dont deserve to be treated like that, by your husband or his snotty kid. Best of luck!

Anna - posted on 04/20/2010

megan and sharon are right. i was the one looking after my then 6yr old SD when DH was at work. we never discussed who disciplines SD when she stays but when she does something wrong and HD isnt there i pick her up on it and she takes it on board, apologises and we get on with our day.
i dont shout or smack, i just explain its wrong.
SD is now 9yrs old and has been taught to respect everyone in her life (including her BM and SF (stepfather). and believe me thats hard when you dont like BM or SF!) when visiting with us she has nothing but contempt for her BM and BMs family. its funny listening to what she says but i only laugh on the inside and give her a stern talking to for saying things like that.
SD is so well behaved for us but when she goes home she a little rotter to BM and her SF.

Sharon - posted on 04/19/2010

My SD is now 11 (lives with us full time) and the first time she talked back to my DH, I told her she is not going to talk to him (or me) like that, it's not tolerated! That was when she was 8 yrs old and while there have been a few times she gets attitude & starts to be smart aleck (and I think it's somewhat normal at age 12-14, but she is still 11, she is reminded (very sternly) that we are not going to be talked to like that. "If teachers or your mom or other people let you talk to them like that, nothing we can do about it but you won't talk to us like that!" I believe kids adapt & learn to go by different rules in different places... ie. School, Home, friend's houses, etc. If they know it will be tolerated (even if it's inconsistent) they will test those boundaries. I know that my SD tries to get away with more when I am not home because her dad is not always consistent & gives in so she tries when he is busy or tired... I am consistent so she won't bother trying if I am around.

In a non custodial situation, it would not be out of line to place a boundary on what is or isn't acceptable but you and your husband need to be on the same page and practice being consistent ~ but you have every right to stand up for your rules in your house. It's important for the kids to spend time alone with their father occasionally, but that should be balanced with time as a family. Their sister is family & so are you. Your husband needs to expect them to treat you as such... at least with the same respect he would have to have for a teacher or family friend (or stranger for that matter!) Your husband should not tolerate his children being disrespectful toward you. They don't have to love or even like you, but they should be respectful.

Megan - posted on 04/19/2010

I have read the whole stepparents shouldn't discipline argument in a lot of places (Dr. Phil for example) and I very much disagree.



In your home you are boss along with your husband. You have been done a tremendous disservice by him and the other adults in this child's life if you have been told and made to feel like you cannot discipline. Of course as a stepparent I would never lay a hand on the child in anger. But, other forms of discipline, sure why not? It is your home and your family, you are the mother and one of the leaders of that home. Why is anyone allowed to make you feel uncomfortable in your own home? I don't think so.



It all starts with your husband. Does he consider you his partner in raising his son from a previous marriage? He needs to. Do all the occasions where the child needs discipline occur when the father is around? In my experience, they don't. Sometimes I'm the only one with the kids and if something happens you better believe we're going to nip it in the bud then and there. When I read your experience I feel lucky because somehow we have never had this happen where I wasn't allowed to discipline or where the kids didn't respect or listen to me. I really think it is because my husband expected me to join in 100% in the good and bad of raising his boys which I have done.



First step: Get hubby on board.

Second step: Have hubby discuss with SS about how you and hubby are a team and you are allowed to discipline. When you do, you are carrying out hubby's wishes. You have rules of the house that everyone is required to follow, including SS.

Third step: Come up with a disciplinary method that you both can stick to. In my opinion 13 is a fun time to discipline because there are many options. You can take away electronics or priveleges or you can have them write sentences and essays about what they have done. Torture for a 13 year old boy.



I hope things get better for you!!

Carolynne - posted on 04/18/2010

I am dealing with a very similiar issue, and have for years. I have been married for 8 years and my ss is 14. The difference here is until August of last year BM and SS always came before me and my 3 sons and no matter how inappropriate I felt the request or action was I was wrong. Allot has changed in our household now, because we now have sole custody as BM passed in August. It was easier when he just came to visit because after all the chaos and backlash from his misbehavior had subsidded it was relatively calm in my house.. It takes time after an "incident" in most households, but maybe a little longer in mine, because I have two boys on the spectrum and that kind of disruption in routine is detrimental to their functioning. Now that he lives here.. there has been nothing but chaos, because for all these years he was taught that my opinion doesnt matter because he is "not my son" I say something and he asks his dad behind my back and 90% of the time his dad with go with it. It has caused an extreme amount of distress between my husband and I .. and for a long time I was contemplating divorce because of it. The only reason why I havent left is for my other three sons, and when DH is on the same page with me, everything goes smoothly.. I think the key is having them understand that by defination you are A PARENT... whether they like it or not and you cannot live seperate households in the same house.. and it is exactly that -all or nothing. You are a parent and regardless of BMs feelings you have every right to determine behavior in your house, and your ss needs to know that you are a parental team and rules apply from either party and when it comes to parenting you are not seperate entities. A sort of one law.. as this is what we are trying to implement, and hopefully DH can follow through completely because that is the most important part to success.

Laura - posted on 04/18/2010

Thanks Tammy...thats what I thought...I just hadnt verified it yet. Any thoughts on this issue?

Tammy - posted on 04/18/2010

DH = Dear Husband

Laura - posted on 04/17/2010

I dont know what the actual meaning is, but from other messages both on here and elsewhere DH is your husband.

Melissa - posted on 04/17/2010

I don't know what DH stands for (Im not up on the terminology) but I'm glad you've tried that already. It is such a hard position to be in. I hope you find a solution :)

Laura - posted on 04/16/2010

Thanks for responding Melissa...I've wanted to (and done) exactly that in the past, but we were advised to let DH do the disciplining and not me as a SM. I agree with you, but DH is more the other thinking....major dilemna!

Melissa - posted on 04/15/2010

If your SS is doing something mean or inappropriate, tell him exactly that, and that it won't be tolerated. Don't wait for your husband to talk to him about it, your a parent to, whether he likes it or not. Good luck!