When can you be considered a stepmom?

Amanda - posted on 11/23/2009

I just want to remind our members that this group is a place for friendly coversation and respectful debate. This is not a place to attack fellow members or rehash old grudges. If that is what your looking for, look elsewhere. The role of a step mom can be incredibly difficult, we all need to stand together and help one another. This thread doesnt seem to be trying to achieve that goal so I will be closing it to further comment. If anyone would like to have anything else addressed please feel free to send me a personal message anytime!

Heidi - posted on 11/23/2009

Oh Danielle! That is so sweet. You must be so proud to have such a wonderful stepdaughter. Whether she is yours biologially, or not she is your daughter. The true meaning parenting is someone that cares for and loves a child or children unconditionally and you have found that with your stepdaughter. Its people like you and Dana that certainly deserve to be called mom, even if you are stepmoms. I think some stepmoms should take lessons from both of you.

Danielle - posted on 11/22/2009

i think ive been a stepmom ever since i met my gianna. her real mother signed away her rights, and my fiance had her full time since ive known him. right away, i had to decide if i was in this all the way or not. and with such a young child, there was no 'halfway.' gianna accepted me into her life so quickly, that it was only natural when i moved in with her about 5 months after i met her and her dad. gianna has been calling me mom since then. we never pushed it, and we never said that it wasnt ok. gianna had just turned 3, and she didnt understand what a 'mom' really was. all she knew was that her mom, her 'daniella' was there every night to cook her dinner, bathe her, read her stories, tuck her in. and her mom, her 'daniella,' was there every morning when she woke up, to get her breakfast, watch cartoons with her, dress her for the day, make puppets out of socks, and let her color with markers. and all gianna knew was there her mom, her 'daniella,' was there when she was sick with a fever on our summer vacation, and we had to take her to the hospital, and hold her little hands while the doctor checked her over, and hug her when they had to force her to take medicine, and wipe her hot forehead with a damp cloth, and sing her silly songs to get her to smile again, and find her favorite teddy bear so she could go to sleep....all gianna knows is that her mom just cant get enough of her gianna, and gianna no longer has a 'daniella.' now, she just has a mom.

Holly - posted on 11/22/2009

Quoting Danielle:

Can we all please stop fighting, This is suppose to be an oppurtunity to debate not to argue.. I hate seeing everyone argue, We're all here for the same reason. Main reason is because we love our children, Whether its step or bio... We come here to vent and ask for support or even adivce. I love reading these posts because it helps me as a Mom (step Mom) I'm always looking to learn more and thats what this helps me with, I dont want to argue... Please Please everyone calm down...

*** round of applause *** I think enough is enough. Honestly, I agree with Debbie (and yes, I did state that in an earlier post), but I think this conversation should be closed and any further arguing should be done in private. We are here for support, not hostility. I am going to send a message to Amanda (the Admin) and let her know that I think this thread has not contibuted anything usefull in the last few days...

Danielle - posted on 11/22/2009

Can we all please stop fighting, This is suppose to be an oppurtunity to debate not to argue.. I hate seeing everyone argue, We're all here for the same reason. Main reason is because we love our children, Whether its step or bio... We come here to vent and ask for support or even adivce. I love reading these posts because it helps me as a Mom (step Mom) I'm always looking to learn more and thats what this helps me with, I dont want to argue... Please Please everyone calm down...

Debbie - posted on 11/22/2009

Heidi, I am not assuming anything, I simply asked a question. You did close this conversation, then you reopened it and had another go at me. I was simply pointing out the obvious!

Dana - posted on 11/22/2009

I am a step mom to a beautiful little girl and as right now we (me and my husband) are fighting her grandparents(bio mom's parent's) whom she lives with at the moment for custody. Her bio mom only wants to be a parent when it's convenient for her. She only see's her on her birthday and for christmas. She started saying that I was her mom and her mom is broken cause she saw me all the time on a regular basis before this whole cusody battle and never saw her bio mom. Her bio mom's parents heard it and freaked out on her and told her she's not your mom so don't call her that. It's sad they are trying to tell her that her dad and I don't want her and don't love her which obviously isn't true. When I met her I feel in love with her and treat her like my own. I myself have no other kids and I love being a mom to her and we talk to her every week at least twice a week when she isn't in school or at the babysitters. I feel like even though me and my husband isn't in the same state anymore due to the army I am still a step mom to her because she knows we are there for her no matter what and we are going to visit and have her for the whole time we are there. I just hate that her bio grandparents wouldn't let us see her when this custody battle started so with her being so young she had to trust us all over again but that didn't take long! She ran right up to me the following wed when the judge told her grandparents we get visitation and there isn't anything we can do about it. I feel like I deserve to be a mom to her since I am there for her and her bio mom isn't because she would rather be on drugs than be a mom. I think I talk to her just as much if not more than her dad but that is cause she asks to talk to me while her dad is trying to talk to her. He talks to her though and loves her don't get me wrong I am not trying to make him look like a bad father. He as been in her life her whole life since she was born when he was 17 years old. When I found out he had a daughter I told him we should take her bowling and I wouldn't let him help her so that she could get to know me and I could be apart of her life as well. The day we got married she was there and clung to my side. Saddly the following week we weren't allowed to see her for a few months due to her grandparent not allowing it cause they got served but me and her father were and are trying our hardest to be apart of her life being so far away from her which isn't our fault. We are trying our hardest to get her here with us but it looks like it's going to take forever cause my husband is deploying at the beginning of the year. We have a room filled with toys and a bed and stuff for her when we can get her out here with us. I feel like I have deserved to be called her mom, or step mom if that is more comfortable for her. I am the only mother figure she knows since her bio mom isn't ever around.

Heidi - posted on 11/22/2009

Debbie go ahead and assume what you want to...

Debbie - posted on 11/21/2009

Heidi...Why did you close this conversation then reopen it? Was it an invitation for something to start?

T - posted on 11/21/2009

Quoting Heidi:

Well apparently some people don't know what an honest debate is. This has gone way to far and enough is enough. Debbie you said you didn't have the time or energy to participate in the conversation and here you are. Surprise surprise. This is where it is going to end. I didn't and I stand by my word start this to cause a fight. I was talking with other moms and stepmoms and thought this might be a good topic as they are going through what I am going through, but of course the clique had to get involved yet again. It was nice not having to deal with the crap and hostility over past few months, but you must be bored yet again and had to start. I not once mentioned any names. I am taking the fall for what I have been talking about with other people. But you know what? It doens't matter because I can handle it. Now I know where all this stands and what it takes to be considered a stepmom, or a bio mom for that matter. Thanks for all the insight. You sure have opened up my eyes thats for sure!!!! ;)

Interesting that you believe there is a clique; for many this was the first conversation here.  The original question on when a woman becomes a step mom went in many directions.  Again, lesson to us all, when you start a post, be logical and descriptive about exactly what you want to talk about.  If you didn't want it to go in the directions that it did, you could always have ended the post.

Heidi - posted on 11/21/2009

Sandy I am not sure who you are talking about, but if its me...I am soooo past all of this. Its my son that has a hard time dealing it, not me. I am looking out for my son and no one else. I don't care if people think I need to heal. I moved on with my life nearly 10 years ago. If some of you think its ok to treat a child the way mine is treated then that is your opinion to make, but I think its completely wrong and uncalled for. I would never ever in a million years treat any of my boys this way. I am not putting the blame on Jaime for all of this, as its her husband who is really to blame, she just happens to be caught in the cross fire.

Sandy - posted on 11/20/2009

You know...I just really really feel sorry for you that you cannot get past this....good luck...I hope the healing starts soon

Sandy - posted on 11/20/2009

and...once again...more about Heidi and Jamie....

Heidi - posted on 11/20/2009

And for the record there is no fighting going between us...(Jaime and I) that is. We haven't spoken in quite some time other then when my son asked me to email his school picture to that part of the family, and in return Jaime asked me if they could get a 5x7 of it and some wallets. Oh and she wanted to know what my son would like for Christmas, and he sent the email and didn't get a reply back. So there you have it. Jaime asked it was sent and my son heard nothing again...Just like he emailed halloween pics, and never heard anything back about that either.

Heidi - posted on 11/20/2009

Quoting Debbie:

wow!!!!! I would love to contribute to this thread, but I don't have to time nor the emotional energy.
I will say to Di, T Partridge and Sherri *clap clap clap* I second you!!!!

Apparently you did find the time and energy.  If you go through the thread you will see up until near the end I didn't say anything about what I was going through personally.  That only happended when you joined the conversation.  Heaven forbid they don't agree with you.  You have your opinion and I have mine...bottom line.  I have read everything word for word and I have taken in it stride.  I am not holding any grudges(unlike some people).  I have better things to do with my life.  So much for an honest debate... 

Heidi - posted on 11/20/2009

Well apparently some people don't know what an honest debate is. This has gone way to far and enough is enough. Debbie you said you didn't have the time or energy to participate in the conversation and here you are. Surprise surprise. This is where it is going to end. I didn't and I stand by my word start this to cause a fight. I was talking with other moms and stepmoms and thought this might be a good topic as they are going through what I am going through, but of course the clique had to get involved yet again. It was nice not having to deal with the crap and hostility over past few months, but you must be bored yet again and had to start. I not once mentioned any names. I am taking the fall for what I have been talking about with other people. But you know what? It doens't matter because I can handle it. Now I know where all this stands and what it takes to be considered a stepmom, or a bio mom for that matter. Thanks for all the insight. You sure have opened up my eyes thats for sure!!!! ;)

Heidi - posted on 11/20/2009

Well apparently some people don't know what an honest debate is. This has gone way to far and enough is enough. Debbie you said you didn't have the time or energy to participate in the conversation and here you are. Surprise surprise. This is where it is going to end. I didn't and I stand by my word start this to cause a fight. I was talking with other moms and stepmoms and thought this might be a good topic as they are going through what I am going through, but of course the clique had to get involved yet again. It was nice not having to deal with the crap and hostility over past few months, but you must be bored yet again and had to start. I not once mentioned any names. I am taking the fall for what I have been talking about with other people. But you know what? It doens't matter because I can handle it. Now I know where all this stands and what it takes to be considered a stepmom, or a bio mom for that matter. Thanks for all the insight. You sure have opened up my eyes thats for sure!!!! ;)

Debbie - posted on 11/19/2009

Quoting Holly:

You know Debbie, I noticed that too when I read the response to my post! I really think the fighting between those two needs to go somewhere else and not be continualy rehashed over and over again. I actually feel sorry for Jamie who, in my opinion, has some very good advice and seems to be getting the short end of the stick.

And for those of you who think I am bashing sm's who are not a "regular" part of your sk's lives, I am so sorry if you took my comments that way! I completely understand situations where you may not be able to see your sk's as much as you would like and I commend all of you who are able to deal with that emotional conflict! I am just really lucky that we have our daughter most of the time, so my posts may seem a bit biased on that point at times. In no way do I think that any sm WHO TRIES HER HARDEST FOR THE KIDS, BUT STILL GETS LITTLE TO NO TIME WITHT THEM is a "bad" sm. I think it takes amazingly strong women to be long distance sm's and I take my hat off to you all. :)

Thanks Holly...I was just trying to make a point. As I am sick of the back and forth crap! It is most of every post Heidi makes and it has been going on for too long and all the advice that has been given has been disregarded. Same thing that has been going on for a year that I have been in this community!

Ashleigh - posted on 11/19/2009

I am a step mom to 2 children and a bio mom to 2 children, but they are all mine. I really felt like a mom for the first time when one day we were on the couch watching a movie and my stepson was upset about going back to his mother's (not that he didnt want to go, but that he would miss us and part of him wanted to stay so he didnt have to face leaving), he laid his head on my lap and we just talked. My husband and i had not even talked about having more at this point, but after having the two babies i still feel that the conversation on the couch was my first, omg im a mom moment. I guess that when I earned his trust and he felt comfortable enough to be open with me i went from just step parent to step mom.

Tammy - posted on 11/19/2009

I must say that I didn't read all of the posts listed. I read a few and decided to just post my feelings on this matter. I have 2 children of my own and 2 children whom belong to the man in my life. We are NOT married, yet we have lived together since 2000. I have raised his 2 children since about a month after we moved in together. In my heart they are mine as much as his and bm's. I take them to dr.'s appt., I do p/t conferences, I do everything for them that a bm would do, I do MORE for them than bm does, of course she is in prison now, but even before she went to prison I did more. I love them with all my heart, but I must admit that my bc come first in the end. At this point I am considering leaving because of problems with sd. She is 15 and continually tells lies to her friends parents to try to get them to feel sorry for her. The lies are getting worse and at a point where I fear her lies will put her father or I in jail. Her lies have cost my 13 yr. old friends to the point where she has NO friends anymore. Her lies have also caused teachers at school to fear my 13 yr. old before they even met her. You see, as much as I love ALL of my children I would have to put my bc first, because they are the ones I am responsible for. If it were my bc that were doing these things I wouldn't walk away but force them to get help. On the other hand, I can't force sd to get help. You see, just because I choose to protect my bc from the hatefulness of my sc doesn't make me less of a step mom or a mom. Just because they dont except me 100% doesn't make me less of a sm, it only makes me the mom of rebellious teens. When they were younger they were more accepting, now that they are teens they hate me with all of there hearts and it fully breaks my heart cause I do love them as if they were my own. I do believe that a MOM is a person who cares for ones children and does the best she can with what she has, no matter if they are biological, step, adopted, foster or just friends of their children. A MOM gives freely of herself, goes without sleep, goes without meals, goes without medication, goes without doctors visits or anything else that she needs in order to make sure the children have what they need. Basically, a MOM, of any kind, is 110% SELFLESS and puts her children FIRST!!! If this is you then you ARE in my book a MOM!!!

Holly - posted on 11/19/2009

You know Debbie, I noticed that too when I read the response to my post! I really think the fighting between those two needs to go somewhere else and not be continualy rehashed over and over again. I actually feel sorry for Jamie who, in my opinion, has some very good advice and seems to be getting the short end of the stick.

And for those of you who think I am bashing sm's who are not a "regular" part of your sk's lives, I am so sorry if you took my comments that way! I completely understand situations where you may not be able to see your sk's as much as you would like and I commend all of you who are able to deal with that emotional conflict! I am just really lucky that we have our daughter most of the time, so my posts may seem a bit biased on that point at times. In no way do I think that any sm WHO TRIES HER HARDEST FOR THE KIDS, BUT STILL GETS LITTLE TO NO TIME WITHT THEM is a "bad" sm. I think it takes amazingly strong women to be long distance sm's and I take my hat off to you all. :)

Debbie - posted on 11/19/2009

Heidi you say you didnt start this to bash on your son's SM....You always act so innocent like you don't do no wrong. Here is why I say you lie!
(I will add asterix to make my point)

Megan Harris said
"When I read your initial post I can't help but think that you are making a dig at the stepmother to your son, who maybe doesn't see your son regularly for reasons I don't know."

Heidi replied
"Megan
*I wasn't making a dig at anyone.* I was just asking a question as I am a stepmom and I feel I am a very good one because my stepson comes to me for everything before he goes to his dad. My stepson is almost 19 so he is considered an adult, but it makes me feel good when he calls me his mom in front of his friends. I also feel like its a honour because he respects me enough to introduce me as his mom and not stepmom.
This forum is a great forum, but there is a lot of bashing going on towards bio moms and I wanted some insight from both sides of the spectrum. *So it wasn't a personal dig towards anyone in particular just a question and nothing more.*"

Then Di wrote
"I have no doubt that the original poster in this wasn't asking this as a desperate stepmother who wanted to find out if she was a failure and needing support. The original poster's stepchild is now an adult and if she hasn't worked it out yet, then too bad, so sad. *History tells me that this is just another way of inflicting pain in the incessant war she has as a bm not as a sm.* There are other forums where she can go for support on this issue, why bring it up here where there is a huge amount of stepmothers dealing with hostile bms?"

Heidi then replied
"Di this wasn't suppose to generate such hositility between people at all. On this forum a lot of women are bad mouthing bio moms for whatever reason, and I wanted to know why these particular women seem to think they are better moms(step moms) the bi moms. *So for you to write what you did was completely off base and uncalled for. I wasn't making digs at anyone person. It was suppose to be an honest debate.* I could've have written about bio dads and stepdads as well, because there are some stepdads that are WAY better dads then bio dads, just like there are bio dads that are way better then stepdads.
You are right about one thing and I am not a desparate stepmom as I have a great relationship with my stepson, which I am very lucky to have. He has accpeted as a mother figure in his life. I just know there are lots of kids out there that don't accept stepparents at all. This was suppose to be an honest debat, but apparently some people don't see it that way. I wasn't asking anyone to agree with me at all. I wanted everyones opinions and that is all. So to you Di I will apologize for the way you are feeling. It wasn't meant to hurt you or anyone else."

And here Heidi changes her tune...truth comes out now!
"Holly I totally understand what you are saying and I have to agree with you! I was trying to get some insight on the whole situation *because I have issues with my bio sons "other family".* Its not that he is not cared about, because I am sure he is, but its the lack of seeing him and talking to him that I have a hard time dealing with. "The other family" is entitled to see my son everyother week and they choose not to. Instead its about twice a year. On the rare times my son gets to visit he has to share a room with a half sister. He has no toys of his own there and not much privacy. It really bothers him. He is 10 1/12 and doesn't want to play with "girl stuff" and do "girl things". He is a boy and wants to do boy things. Besides he is older then the 3 half sisters. I also have a stepson that hasn't seen his bio mom in almost 3 years(he will be 19 on Monday) but thats not the point. I am trying to understand how any parent(mom or dad) can treat there kids the way my 2 are being treating. It baffles me.
Holly there is no need to apologize for what you believe in. The women that are slamming me have done so in the past because I don't agree with them. I will stand by what I belief and no one will change my mind. I do have an open mind and will listen to advice, but that doesn't mean I have to do what they say.
This wasn't suppose to turn into a bash fest, but apparently it has and there is nothing I can do. Not everyone will agree with eachother and for us as human beings we have to accept that, but some people can't so they have to belittle others to feel superior."


Heidi you deliberatly started this knowing it would start something. But you go on to be all innocent saying that those that don't agree with you will always be having a go at you when you don't do anything at all to contribute.....RIGHT

Heidi - posted on 11/19/2009

Holly I totally understand what you are saying and I have to agree with you! I was trying to get some insight on the whole situation because I have issues with my bio sons "other family". Its not that he is not cared about, because I am sure he is, but its the lack of seeing him and talking to him that I have a hard time dealing with. "The other family" is entitled to see my son everyother week and they choose not to. Instead its about twice a year. On the rare times my son gets to visit he has to share a room with a half sister. He has no toys of his own there and not much privacy. It really bothers him. He is 10 1/12 and doesn't want to play with "girl stuff" and do "girl things". He is a boy and wants to do boy things. Besides he is older then the 3 half sisters. I also have a stepson that hasn't seen his bio mom in almost 3 years(he will be 19 on Monday) but thats not the point. I am trying to understand how any parent(mom or dad) can treat there kids the way my 2 are being treating. It baffles me.
Holly there is no need to apologize for what you believe in. The women that are slamming me have done so in the past because I don't agree with them. I will stand by what I belief and no one will change my mind. I do have an open mind and will listen to advice, but that doesn't mean I have to do what they say.
This wasn't suppose to turn into a bash fest, but apparently it has and there is nothing I can do. Not everyone will agree with eachother and for us as human beings we have to accept that, but some people can't so they have to belittle others to feel superior.

Holly - posted on 11/18/2009

Quoting T:

Quote from Heidi:
"...I think to even be considered a mom or a stepmom you have to love the child or children unconditionally, not throw them to the curb when the going gets tough. You have to see them on a regular basis(whether it be biweekly, or scheduled vacations)., whatever normal arrangements you would have set. You have to want to be a part of there life, not just when its convenient for you."

I believe you were the first person here to post anything that indicated that you only believed that "stepmom" was earned, so on second review, those of us who opposed that had a good reason for feeling like you were setting it up that way. Might want to think about that next time you ask for a debate--no offense meant, but be ready for debate when you open your debate with an opinion already in place. Basic thesis theory!

Actually, I believe I was the first person to actually say outright that I felt the title had to be earned, and I stand my what I said.

Yes, technically it is a title that comes along with the little piece of paper when you marry a man with children, BUT I believe the EMOTIONAL state of the title is earned.

~ If you love the children (and it does not have to be the same way you love your biological children, I understand that it would be hard to do so if you only get to see your step children every once in a while).

~ If you stick by your hubby in the custody arrangements (not complaining when his kids come over for a visit or make him feel bad for wanting to be a part of his kid's lives).

~ When you provide a HOME for them to come to (not just a place to stay as guests, becasue they are NOT guests, they are family members and it is as much their home as yours).

~ When you treat them as your own when they are visiting (not treating them as special guests or ignoring them, but doing the things you would do with your biological children - in effect, acting normal)

~ When you take the time to get to know them for who they are (not just thinking "oh they're not here all the time anyway, so I don't have to really know them that much").

~ When you show them that you care (make them cookies instead of buying them at the store, decorate their room how they would like it instead of leaving blank walls, making them their favorite meals just because... things like that are so special to kids).

There are more ways the emotional state of the title "stepmom" is earned, but I could not possibly list them all. I am not saying you are a horrible step mom if you do not love your sk's the same way as you love your biokids. I COMPLETELY understand that viewpoint. I am just lucky enough that I have my sd with me and my hubby 90% of the time, so I do love her as much as I love my bio kids. I am not really condeming anyone's step mother abilities, I am just saying what I think. If I offend anyone I am truly sorry, but I am not going to change how I feel for anyone. If you want to take issue with me please pm me and I will try to see your side, but I am a pretty firm believer of the values listed above and I can't really see naything changing my mind on this issue.

Heidi - I don't agree with you all of the time, but I do think you have some very valid points on this issue. I am sorry you are being slammed so hard, especially over something I sad in the first place!

Debbie - posted on 11/18/2009

wow!!!!! I would love to contribute to this thread, but I don't have to time nor the emotional energy.

I will say to Di, T Partridge and Sherri *clap clap clap* I second you!!!!

Danielle - posted on 11/17/2009

Thats a good question, I thought the same way. I knew i was a step mom to be even though we arent married yet, We will be, but it only took the day the boys decided to call me Mom to know who i was and where i stood with them. I know it may not be right in some peoples eyes for them to call me mom but its what they are comfortable with and so i am. I love nothing more then to hear them say how much they love me and never want to leave our house. The kids will help you figure that out. You should know by the way you feel too.

Heidi - posted on 11/16/2009

Quoting T:

Quote from Heidi:
"...I think to even be considered a mom or a stepmom you have to love the child or children unconditionally, not throw them to the curb when the going gets tough. You have to see them on a regular basis(whether it be biweekly, or scheduled vacations)., whatever normal arrangements you would have set. You have to want to be a part of there life, not just when its convenient for you."

I believe you were the first person here to post anything that indicated that you only believed that "stepmom" was earned, so on second review, those of us who opposed that had a good reason for feeling like you were setting it up that way. Might want to think about that next time you ask for a debate--no offense meant, but be ready for debate when you open your debate with an opinion already in place. Basic thesis theory!

In my opening statement no where did it state that I said you are considered a stepmom when it is earned.  You replied with a quote that I wrote and it didn't say anywhere that "you have to earn the title stepmom".  It merely states what "I think it takes to be a stpemom".  Plain and simple.  You will have your opinion, I will have mine and some people will agree with me and others won't.  That is part of life and I have accepted that. 

The way I see it is that there are some good stepmoms and some not so good stepmoms, but then again there are some good bio moms and some not so good bio moms.  Either way whichever we are(and we may be both a stepmoms and bio moms)  its our choice to decide if we are going to be good ones, or not.

T - posted on 11/13/2009

Quote from Heidi:
"...I think to even be considered a mom or a stepmom you have to love the child or children unconditionally, not throw them to the curb when the going gets tough. You have to see them on a regular basis(whether it be biweekly, or scheduled vacations)., whatever normal arrangements you would have set. You have to want to be a part of there life, not just when its convenient for you."

I believe you were the first person here to post anything that indicated that you only believed that "stepmom" was earned, so on second review, those of us who opposed that had a good reason for feeling like you were setting it up that way. Might want to think about that next time you ask for a debate--no offense meant, but be ready for debate when you open your debate with an opinion already in place. Basic thesis theory!

T - posted on 11/13/2009

Quoting Heidi:

Di this wasn't suppose to generate such hositility between people at all. On this forum a lot of women are bad mouthing bio moms for whatever reason, and I wanted to know why these particular women seem to think they are better moms(step moms) the bi moms. So for you to write what you did was completely off base and uncalled for. I wasn't making digs at anyone person. It was suppose to be an honest debate. I could've have written about bio dads and stepdads as well, because there are some stepdads that are WAY better dads then bio dads, just like there are bio dads that are way better then stepdads.
You are right about one thing and I am not a desparate stepmom as I have a great relationship with my stepson, which I am very lucky to have. He has accpeted as a mother figure in his life. I just know there are lots of kids out there that don't accept stepparents at all. This was suppose to be an honest debat, but apparently some people don't see it that way. I wasn't asking anyone to agree with me at all. I wanted everyones opinions and that is all. So to you Di I will apologize for the way you are feeling. It wasn't meant to hurt you or anyone else.

Thank you for your clarification, Heidi.  I will still stand behind Di, however, given the multiple statements by other folks on this thread that the title is only earned.  When the discussion is redirected to looking at the question "when do kids consider a stepmom a stepmom" it becomes a whole different viewpoint.  I think that is worth a different topic posting and you might find the responses very different.  I'm sure lots of the SM bash the bio moms (as I certainly do myself at times) because of the awful things they experience and feel, and some venting besides.  I do believe that those of you in this discussion (not you particularly Heidi) made very plain that a stepmom role is only earned and that I will stand firm taking exception to.

T - posted on 11/13/2009

Quoting Crystal:

i havent read all the other responses but i will say this. in my experiance the child desides. i have an 8 year old stepson that i love to death, his father and i have been married for 3 years and together for almost 6. we only get my ss 1 month out of every year because his stupid selfish bm moved so far away. but last time we had him someone said something about his "stepmom" he then said that i wasnt his stepmom but i was his other mom. which made me cry. but then theres times someone will say that im his mom, and he will correct them saying im his stepmom. so he does all the desiding, i dont push anything onto him. he calls me mom when he wants, but its usually just crystal. but the times he calls me mom makes my heart swell :-)

i hope that helped. i still call him my son for the most part. someone asks how many kids i have and i say i have 2.

If you let the child decide you have put the child in a position of power.  Are you willing to take on the manipulation, the divide and conquer, and the control games that typically go with that?  Putting the child in charge is a huge mistake, IMO (and no, I won't claim IMHO).

T - posted on 11/13/2009

Quoting Di:

Well once again, I have to thank all you ladies for letting me know in your opinion I am not fit to be called a stepmother. Can you be so kind as to give me a title so that I know my place and what my role is supposed to be? Not just me, but also all the women in this group who haven't bonded and 'love' their step children as their own, but are still expected to make room for children that are huge thorns in their sides. O yeh and don't forget to help raise these children that they cant stand including financially. Some women have to work to support their husbands because child support takes up a lot of the husbands income and without their income, ol' hubby couldn't afford to eat, let alone sleep in a bed. But apparently unless you 'love' these children as your own and unless the child accept you in your position then you aren't really a step mother. Go figure that this makes me angry. Who are you people to judge other mothers who are putting in far more then you and yet you declare them not to be exactly what they are. I have news for the lot of you. I am a step mother. I became one the day I married my husband and will continue to be one until my husband is dead or divorced from me. Wether I am a good one or a bad one will remain to be seen.

Here, here.  I know exactly what you mean and completely share your viewpoint.  My husband doesn't pay child support, but has fully custody with no child support from the BM.  I pay the bills and most health care costs for his youngest; yet I get treated like an outsider, without say over anything, and either the SS or the BM says jump and my husband basically says how high?  There appear to be some very unrealistic definitions here, perhaps only from the best of intents.  To those of us who came into the SK lives late, there is no way to build that love or get any back when you are completely shut out.  I'm definitely counting down the days until the last graduation, with the crutch of hoping that I can get some of my life back afterward, hopefully with an equal partner. Again, you become a stepmom when the marriage license is signed--the end.

Heidi - posted on 11/11/2009

Quoting T:

Quoting Heidi:

So with all of this info for you ladies...I gather that you can be considered a stepmom if you love the child equally as to your own bio children whether you see them on regular basis or not. That as a stepmom you treat the child completely equal to any bio children you have? Am I assuming right or wrong?
Just because you married a man doesn't make you stepmom right? You have earn that right and that title? I just want to be sure because of certain things that are going on and that will be said in the future.
So all of your input has been greatly appreciated!
Thanks Ladies and I hope you and your families have a wonderful Halloween!

Heidi, I'm sorry, but that is so unrealistic.  I think Di said it very well--the title and the role is not earned, it's married into.  It is wonderful if you make every effort to live up to that title--who wouldn't want to do that, and who shouldn't do that when possible?  Just wish you could spare some of us the categorization that it can only be earned.  You can't earn something someone isn't available or willing to participate in.

Well why am I the only being pegged as saying you have to earn the title?  There are other women on hear who have said it and if you look at what I posted I have question marks behind my questions?  So dont only accuse me of it.  I was asking questions, not stating facts. 

This was suppose to be an HONEST debate and some people took it out of context. 

T - posted on 11/10/2009

Quoting Heidi:

So with all of this info for you ladies...I gather that you can be considered a stepmom if you love the child equally as to your own bio children whether you see them on regular basis or not. That as a stepmom you treat the child completely equal to any bio children you have? Am I assuming right or wrong?
Just because you married a man doesn't make you stepmom right? You have earn that right and that title? I just want to be sure because of certain things that are going on and that will be said in the future.
So all of your input has been greatly appreciated!
Thanks Ladies and I hope you and your families have a wonderful Halloween!

Heidi, I'm sorry, but that is so unrealistic.  I think Di said it very well--the title and the role is not earned, it's married into.  It is wonderful if you make every effort to live up to that title--who wouldn't want to do that, and who shouldn't do that when possible?  Just wish you could spare some of us the categorization that it can only be earned.  You can't earn something someone isn't available or willing to participate in.

T - posted on 11/10/2009

Di Kennedy--very well put, and thank you.

T - posted on 11/10/2009

And what if you don't have a choice?

I remarried, have 3 bio children and 2 SSs. My 17yo and 21yo SSs have done nothing but push me away since the very beginning--I'm not and have never been given a chance to play much of any type of a motherly role. They admittedly made outright efforts to drive my husband's 2nd wife away, and succeeded. I'm much tougher, and don't tolerate the head games or abuse they put to me (spare me the "evil stepmother you aren't earning it" crap--they've stolen my posessions, physically damaged my vehicle, and intentionally exposed me to substances I'm allergic to without my knowledge or consent). I read a couple of "the title should be earned" posts here and thought--so who decides? I married into the title, good or bad, but that doesn't mean I have to cowtow to a couple of spoiled, enabled brats. Hopefully someday they'll learn to be respectful. I have clear, logical boundaries that are counselor supported--healthy, normal boundaries, consequences, and expectations. While I can agree that many parents (mothers and fathers alike) don't act the title, it's theirs whether one of us likes it or not. I could sit here and say that their BM walked out on them and they've been playing the game of "if she can't have my BD then no one can", and she shows all signs of encouraging this, but why bother? I am the stepmom, chosen by the BF--and these kids (and anyone else that believes the title is only earned) can take it or leave it, and there's nothing anyone can do to change that.

Liz - posted on 11/10/2009

So, I am not a step parent, but my parents have been seperated for almost 15 years and my mother has a "boyfriend" that she has been with for about 10. I refer to him as my "step-dad" even though he is not. I am very close with my biological father, but my "step"dad is a very good man who has always been there for my sister and I. He treats us as he does his biological children, I feel actually better than due to the fact that we see him more than they do. Im not a fan of the word "step", he is not my childrens "step"pappa, he is just pappa. I tell them that they are extra lucky because they have more pappas to love them.

Heidi - posted on 11/02/2009

Di this wasn't suppose to generate such hositility between people at all. On this forum a lot of women are bad mouthing bio moms for whatever reason, and I wanted to know why these particular women seem to think they are better moms(step moms) the bi moms. So for you to write what you did was completely off base and uncalled for. I wasn't making digs at anyone person. It was suppose to be an honest debate. I could've have written about bio dads and stepdads as well, because there are some stepdads that are WAY better dads then bio dads, just like there are bio dads that are way better then stepdads.

You are right about one thing and I am not a desparate stepmom as I have a great relationship with my stepson, which I am very lucky to have. He has accpeted as a mother figure in his life. I just know there are lots of kids out there that don't accept stepparents at all. This was suppose to be an honest debat, but apparently some people don't see it that way. I wasn't asking anyone to agree with me at all. I wanted everyones opinions and that is all. So to you Di I will apologize for the way you are feeling. It wasn't meant to hurt you or anyone else.

Heidi - posted on 11/02/2009

Quoting Di:

Quoting Megan:

Di and Sherri I really agree with you. I don't think it makes a lot of sense that you can't be considered a stepmom unless you love the kids like your own and eveidently unless they want to call you Mom. If they don't want to call you Mom then are you not a good stepmom? I don't know why this subject gets me riled, as I have a really great relationship with my two SS.

I think it is just the idea that we stepmoms would denigrate other stepmoms in similar or not so similar situations and say that we are allowed to judge other women and decide who is a SM and who isn't. I really think "Who am I to judge you?" And then I think "Who are you to judge me?" to the others.

Megan, I also have a great relationship with my two stepdaughters. It hasn't always been so. There has been a lot of hard work to make it into what it is now. Never at any stage wether the relationship was good or bad did I regard it as anything other then a step parent/child relationship. It is and that's all there is to it.

When I first became a stepmother I had many people telling me as a stepmother I should be this or that, or feel this, or feel that etc etc. Well meaning people that didn't have a clue or had ever experienced it. The worst offender was my husband. Whilst he is a good dad, he has never been in the situation where he has had to deal with some other person's child the way a step parent does. I would have been so pleased to find a group like this where I could have learnt that far from being abnormal and 'evil' as I was often labelled, I was pretty damn normal. The biggest thing flung at me was the 'you have to love your stepchildren like your own to be a real stepmother' crap. Guilt, guilt, guilt. Failure, failure, failure.

When I reached the point where I had had enough, I was lucky enough to find good counselling. The first thing that was addressed was this issue. What makes a stepmother a stepmother. Getting married to my husband made me a stepmother. No ifs, buts, or what ifs. I didn't have any choice in wether anymore if I was one or not except by divorce. What I did have a choice in was wether I contributed to making that relationship a good one, or a bad one.

I wonder how this topic affects someone who finds themselves in a really difficult situation with their stepchildren. They would be feeling beat up enough, they would be feeling enough guilt and they would be thinking they are failures enough. Come into this thread and read this where other stepmothers declare that unless the child blah blah blah then your not really a stepmother crap, imagine the extra hurt that would inflict! They need all the support they can get, because they aren't getting the rewards from the stepchild, the husband, probably extended family and friends who haven't been there. Here is a group that can be so beneficial for those people and it is beyond judgemental and is anything but supportive.

I have no doubt that the original poster in this wasn't asking this as a desperate stepmother who wanted to find out if she was a failure and needing support. The original poster's stepchild is now an adult and if she hasn't worked it out yet, then too bad, so sad. History tells me that this is just another way of inflicting pain in the incessant war she has as a bm not as a sm. There are other forums where she can go for support on this issue, why bring it up here where there is a huge amount of stepmothers dealing with hostile bms? The tag said, I am looking for honest debate. But the debate unless agreeing with her point of view wasn't even heard.

That's why this topic riles me and makes me angry. Its a hard enough world out there in stepmother land without other stepmothers, who should be supporting them, declaring that they aren't real stepmothers. Please it may be just your opinion, have a good look at what you are actually saying and how that opinion hurts so many many woman. I wonder if the stepmothers who find things peachy keen now suddenly find themselves in a hostile situation with their stepkids tomorrow, will they suddenly realise that they are still stepmothers or because the relationship has soured are they no longer stepmothers?

Corynn - posted on 11/01/2009

I think that you can be considered a stepmom even before you are married to the father... I am only engaged to the father of my stepdaughter, but for a year now the BM has basically been out of the picture... I have considered myself a stepmom since we first found out she was my fiance's daughter, and since then, I have been referring to myself as her Mom... BM flew the state a few months ago, skipped out on child support court three times, and has not seen her daughter since March. She did a lot of drugs/smoking/drinking while she was pregnant, and continued to do so after birth... She did not take care of the baby when she was around and was always leaving her with her friends to get high or have sex with random guys. I believe that I am this little girl's Mommy because I am here caring for her as if she was my own, and i love her unconditionally. She is almost 17 months old now and has been calling me Mama since she could say it. Being a stepmother or Mom does not have to wait til marriage. If you are in the child's life and care for them and are planning on marrying the father, then you can be considered a stepmom. The love and care just has to be there.

Erin - posted on 11/01/2009

If my step daughter called me mom or even other mommy I think I would just die with happiness...someday I hope we are close enough for her to think of me as someone who loves her that much and is there for her like her own mom. Never a replacement, or even a competition for the spot of mom, but just somewhere close by.

Crystal - posted on 11/01/2009

i havent read all the other responses but i will say this. in my experiance the child desides. i have an 8 year old stepson that i love to death, his father and i have been married for 3 years and together for almost 6. we only get my ss 1 month out of every year because his stupid selfish bm moved so far away. but last time we had him someone said something about his "stepmom" he then said that i wasnt his stepmom but i was his other mom. which made me cry. but then theres times someone will say that im his mom, and he will correct them saying im his stepmom. so he does all the desiding, i dont push anything onto him. he calls me mom when he wants, but its usually just crystal. but the times he calls me mom makes my heart swell :-)

i hope that helped. i still call him my son for the most part. someone asks how many kids i have and i say i have 2.

Cassandra - posted on 11/01/2009

well my point of view is wen u are married or in a relationship wit the childs father..if u have no contact wit d child/chilren i don't consider it to b step mom

Sherri - posted on 10/31/2009

I wonder how this topic affects someone who finds themselves in a really difficult situation with their stepchildren. They would be feeling beat up enough, they would be feeling enough guilt and they would be thinking they are failures enough. Come into this thread and read this where other stepmothers declare that unless the child blah blah blah then your not really a stepmother crap, imagine the extra hurt that would inflict! They need all the support they can get, because they aren't getting the rewards from the stepchild, the husband, probably extended family and friends who haven't been there. Here is a group that can be so beneficial for those people and it is beyond judgemental and is anything but supportive.

 

I think a lot of the issues stem from the BMs.  Although there are A LOT of BMs out there that are very understanding and receptive towards step moms, I think that a great deal of women have the overprotective need with "another women" having an opinion about their children and do not want that other women having a significant part in who that child will become as an adult.

I think the other issue is the labels that we, as step moms put on ourselves.  We are parents.... period. 

The third problem is that it takes more for most of us to develop a maternal relationship with the child.  We don't want to appear to the child, the BM OR daddy that we're trying to replace "mom" in any way.  I'm sure that not having a maternal bond during pregnancy, birth or the first portion of the child's life has an impact on this development.

Maybe I'm totally off base here.  I'm also not meaning to offend anyone.  As I said, some bio moms are VERY open and understanding and some step moms take to it like they carried and birthed that child themselves.  For others, it takes more time.  It's all about preception an personal opinion.

Sherri - posted on 10/31/2009

Quoting Megan:

Di and Sherri I really agree with you. I don't think it makes a lot of sense that you can't be considered a stepmom unless you love the kids like your own and eveidently unless they want to call you Mom. If they don't want to call you Mom then are you not a good stepmom? I don't know why this subject gets me riled, as I have a really great relationship with my two SS.

For the record, I do have a really good relationship with my SS.  I'm the first person he comes to when he's upset about school, his mother, his dad, his friends..... He called me at work the day he got suspended to tell me about it because he wanted me to hear it from him before the school called.... he didn't want me to feel that he was hiding anything from me.  HOWEVER, it took a LONG time to get to that point.  His BM did EVERYTHING in her power to try to keep him and I from having a positive relationship...... I guess the jokes on her. :)

Di - posted on 10/31/2009

Quoting Megan:

Di and Sherri I really agree with you. I don't think it makes a lot of sense that you can't be considered a stepmom unless you love the kids like your own and eveidently unless they want to call you Mom. If they don't want to call you Mom then are you not a good stepmom? I don't know why this subject gets me riled, as I have a really great relationship with my two SS.

I think it is just the idea that we stepmoms would denigrate other stepmoms in similar or not so similar situations and say that we are allowed to judge other women and decide who is a SM and who isn't. I really think "Who am I to judge you?" And then I think "Who are you to judge me?" to the others.

Megan, I also have a great relationship with my two stepdaughters. It hasn't always been so. There has been a lot of hard work to make it into what it is now. Never at any stage wether the relationship was good or bad did I regard it as anything other then a step parent/child relationship. It is and that's all there is to it.

When I first became a stepmother I had many people telling me as a stepmother I should be this or that, or feel this, or feel that etc etc. Well meaning people that didn't have a clue or had ever experienced it. The worst offender was my husband. Whilst he is a good dad, he has never been in the situation where he has had to deal with some other person's child the way a step parent does. I would have been so pleased to find a group like this where I could have learnt that far from being abnormal and 'evil' as I was often labelled, I was pretty damn normal. The biggest thing flung at me was the 'you have to love your stepchildren like your own to be a real stepmother' crap. Guilt, guilt, guilt. Failure, failure, failure.

When I reached the point where I had had enough, I was lucky enough to find good counselling. The first thing that was addressed was this issue. What makes a stepmother a stepmother. Getting married to my husband made me a stepmother. No ifs, buts, or what ifs. I didn't have any choice in wether anymore if I was one or not except by divorce. What I did have a choice in was wether I contributed to making that relationship a good one, or a bad one.

I wonder how this topic affects someone who finds themselves in a really difficult situation with their stepchildren. They would be feeling beat up enough, they would be feeling enough guilt and they would be thinking they are failures enough. Come into this thread and read this where other stepmothers declare that unless the child blah blah blah then your not really a stepmother crap, imagine the extra hurt that would inflict! They need all the support they can get, because they aren't getting the rewards from the stepchild, the husband, probably extended family and friends who haven't been there. Here is a group that can be so beneficial for those people and it is beyond judgemental and is anything but supportive.

I have no doubt that the original poster in this wasn't asking this as a desperate stepmother who wanted to find out if she was a failure and needing support. The original poster's stepchild is now an adult and if she hasn't worked it out yet, then too bad, so sad. History tells me that this is just another way of inflicting pain in the incessant war she has as a bm not as a sm. There are other forums where she can go for support on this issue, why bring it up here where there is a huge amount of stepmothers dealing with hostile bms? The tag said, I am looking for honest debate. But the debate unless agreeing with her point of view wasn't even heard.

That's why this topic riles me and makes me angry. Its a hard enough world out there in stepmother land without other stepmothers, who should be supporting them, declaring that they aren't real stepmothers. Please it may be just your opinion, have a good look at what you are actually saying and how that opinion hurts so many many woman. I wonder if the stepmothers who find things peachy keen now suddenly find themselves in a hostile situation with their stepkids tomorrow, will they suddenly realise that they are still stepmothers or because the relationship has soured are they no longer stepmothers?

Francesca - posted on 10/31/2009

here with have someone who has asked some great questions, and all the posts i have read do not down grade any women who is a sm. i think people are getting very defensive. you know what you are to your sk's,so i dont understand how it can be said that there is judging from this post. everyone has giving their own opinion on how they feel, and most the posts have said its when the children accept you as being a "stepmum"

there seems to be quite alot of anger from some ladies and i dont think these questions is the reason behind this.

we are all in the same boat,whether we play an active part in bringing our sk's up or not.

Megan - posted on 10/31/2009

Di and Sherri I really agree with you. I don't think it makes a lot of sense that you can't be considered a stepmom unless you love the kids like your own and eveidently unless they want to call you Mom. If they don't want to call you Mom then are you not a good stepmom? I don't know why this subject gets me riled, as I have a really great relationship with my two SS.



I think it is just the idea that we stepmoms would denigrate other stepmoms in similar or not so similar situations and say that we are allowed to judge other women and decide who is a SM and who isn't. I really think "Who am I to judge you?" And then I think "Who are you to judge me?" to the others.

Jaime - posted on 10/31/2009

Sandy- you are absolutely right it is a label that shouldn't have to be used. The kids should have the right to love/care/bond/have a great relationship with any adult figure in there lives. Whatever label is given to me I will take in stride, really nothing I can do to change any part of my situation.

Di- just throwing this out there, I feel everything you have said in your posts. Piss on them all!!!

Sandy - posted on 10/30/2009

I think it is a very rare and amazing thing when a child truly accepts someone who is not biologically related to them as a parent...and I think besides the legal aspect of becoming a step parent that is probably what seals the deal. However, I would like to add that it is really only the adults who have a problem with all this labelling...the children if we didn't interfere or try to influence would be very clear and very sincere in what they call us and how they treat us and wouldn't that be wonderful, if we could all put our adult jealousy and insecurities aside and let them just love everyone around them free of guilt and intimidation. That would be my wish for the children of the world whose bio parents are not together.

Di - posted on 10/30/2009

Well once again, I have to thank all you ladies for letting me know in your opinion I am not fit to be called a stepmother. Can you be so kind as to give me a title so that I know my place and what my role is supposed to be? Not just me, but also all the women in this group who haven't bonded and 'love' their step children as their own, but are still expected to make room for children that are huge thorns in their sides. O yeh and don't forget to help raise these children that they cant stand including financially. Some women have to work to support their husbands because child support takes up a lot of the husbands income and without their income, ol' hubby couldn't afford to eat, let alone sleep in a bed. But apparently unless you 'love' these children as your own and unless the child accept you in your position then you aren't really a step mother. Go figure that this makes me angry. Who are you people to judge other mothers who are putting in far more then you and yet you declare them not to be exactly what they are. I have news for the lot of you. I am a step mother. I became one the day I married my husband and will continue to be one until my husband is dead or divorced from me. Wether I am a good one or a bad one will remain to be seen.