When do you cross the line in parenting vs. step-parenting?

Kayla - posted on 01/21/2009

I'm a full time mom to my 6 year old stepson and 2 year old son. My husband works ALOT. I'm with Elijah (the stepson) more than his real mother ever was and more than his father can be. I'm not afraid to tell my hubby when I dont agree with something he is doing or telling either of the boys. I get fustrated at my hubby alot for not knowing as much about the boys as I think he should but I have to remind myself that he is working to support us and cant remember everything. If I dissagree with something he is doing.. like letting the boys do something that I had told them earlier that they couldnt do.... then I'll try to pull him aside and let him know. I think it is perfectly okay for a step parent to over rule a "real parent" as long as you dont argue about it in front of the children. And sometimes you might not agree and you'll have to compromise. .

Ashley - posted on 01/07/2009

i have let dad know this many time but youare right he feels bad that he only gets her for two weeks and he wants  her to love him.. which she does but it cause so much stress on me... cause thtwo weeks that she isnt with us i'mbusy tryin to get my son to listen to me and behave without hissy fits and byt eh time hes good again. we get "miss" back.. and i'm 24 yeas old trying to plan a wedding  for april and if you've been married you know its not easy and  to have to deal with this....dad feels that my son should be disaplinedthe same way "miss" is.. is ex punished her not pooping on th potty and now he thinks we shoudl do that with my son.. who is now peing onthe potty..i keep saying there is a year age difference and i'm not forceing my son o potty train.. but i wish  he would se it that way too... at that age the year makes alot of difference...well atleast i think so

Sandy - posted on 01/07/2009

You have to talk to dad and let him know that the instability of the visits, outbursts, behavior, etc is really not helping her. I imagine that is acting out is because of having her parents break up as well as having to share her daddy with you and siblings...all this is normal its the way it is handled that will make the difference. She needs stability and structure and love all of which she cannot get if her behavior is accepted and rewarded with snuggles and attention from dad. Not to mention the fact that you cannot develop a positive relationship with her under such stress. Dad is probably accepting of her behavior because she is so little and he feels guilty about the break up and the fact that she has to go through so many changes but it really is not helping her to go about it the way he is

Ashley - posted on 01/07/2009

hi there... i'm a new step-mom and i;m really having trouble withmy sd.. i have a son of my own too... but we only ge hr for two weeks at a time and i find it really hard... she is 3 and my son is 2.. my son is with us 24/7.. but heres my problem... when we get "miss", her dad spoils her rotten...and then she acts out toward me..--she pees her bed if daddy isnt home.. i'm talking she will ge mad at me and in the middle of the day she will o and sit on her bed and pee instead of on the potty...if daddy is home she will cry if he leaves the room without her... and if i aske her to do something and she doesnt want to she will cry and go limp and everythign to getdaddy to snugle her.... she wont listen to me unless i yell at her and hen she cries cause i ha to yell... i thought it was her hearing but she hears everyone else just fine the first time...and it makes me think twice about my parenting skills cause now my son sees that and he is acting out too.. so  fight to get him back to listening and we get "miss"back and i'm starting over again..and this happens every two weeks for two weeks.. i dont know what to do anymore.. i love my fiance very much but "miss" and her acting out i pulling us apart...whiel she is here...if anyone ha any ideas please send them my way....

Sandy - posted on 01/07/2009

The most important thing we have found in our family....( we have his, mine, ours...and we are both in a bio parent situation as well as a step parent situation ). The most important thing we have found is to come across to the children as a united front..all disagreements, debates, etc should be done and solved in private. Each of the children will have as much respect for you as you show each other thats how they will judge and learn their boundries as far as behavior toward both of you as parents/ step parents. Regardless whether you are a step parent or not the parenting has got to be done and both of you are doing it together in the same house so you cannot separate it. Thats not to say you won't disagree and alot of times that is healthy imagine how boring life would be if we all agreed all the time. No one would ever learn anything. Its how we disagree thats teaches the children respect for us and one another.

Kathy - posted on 01/07/2009

Here is how we handled the very same situation. We had my youngest daughter who was 17 and Paige who was 15 at the time both living with us. The drama never seemed to end! The girls started pitting parent against parent. We finally came up with a compromise that worked for us. If we couldnt come up with something that we both agreed on, then whoever was the parent of the child had final say. ALL of the discussion was done in private though so the girls never knew if there was a parent who disagreed. Ultimately he is responsible for her. We are in a situation now with my stepdaughter (see stepdaughters boyfriend thread) that my husband and his ex are relying HEAVILY on my advice. This is really scary for me now. I would know exactly what to say if it were one of my girls. I have only been in my stepdaughters life for 4 years now, I dont have the same history with her. I am grateful that after everything and the hard feelings that have happend over the last few years that they trust me with their daughter. I always thought that being a parent was the hardest job in the world. I was wrong. Its being a stepparent. Hang in there!

Christy - posted on 01/06/2009

Parents are partners, step or bio. I love those date nights or that tiny bit of time when my husband and I have a chance to chat after work. That's when these discussions come up. The first part is communication between you and your husband. You need to know his perspective on your role, and he needs to know your feelings. Parenting is meant to be a team effort, and he may be waiting for you to step in and help with your stepdaughter, and you don't even know it. If you're communicating openly about your roles and you're an equal partner in parenting, gently letting your huband know that you just told your stepdaughter to do something should be easy. I am sure that your husband trusts your judgment. If your stepdaughter knows both parents have the "authority" and you and your husband both know it, then the type of sitution you mentioned would be chalked up  as nothing more than a misunderstanding, not a battle of power.

My husband and I agreed before we were married that he and I are equals in the realm of parenting, and it was his role to let his kids know that. Your husband's going to wear himself out parenting on his own if he doesn't let you help.

Also, part of telling your husband, "You're wrong," has to do with how and when you say it. In a parenting partnership, it's important not to break your spouse down in front of the kids. It's amazing how quickly kids pick up on that and start doing the same thing to the parent, or lose respect for the parent. You may not agree with what your husband says, but make some time when you're alone to figure out how you can handle it better as a team.

For the health of every relationship in your household, you need to be an equal in parenting; so that your stepdaughter respects both of you as leaders; so that neither child feels excluded or superior because of a parental relationship. Also, parenting/disciplining (in the correct way) is an expression of love, and you can show how much you care about your stepdaughter's well-being by taking a greaer role in raising her.

Michelle - posted on 01/06/2009

personally, i reat my stepson,7 n my stepdaughter,9 the same way ill be raising my son. if i dnt think its ok for our son,(even tho hes only 14mnths) to b running in the housse foe example- i dnt let them do it either. try sitting ur partner dwn n tell him how u feel n wrk out ground rules together that both the kids can obey.

Jessica - posted on 01/05/2009

It sounds like lots of you are in similar situations with stepkids whop were raised with very little "raising". How do you handle weird little issues that should have been dealt with when they were under 6 and so now are awkward to go through, but necessary. Examples: my 13 yr-old has never been taught how to make a bed, wash her hair properly, blow her nose, and some other little odd things. The bed thing has pretty much been solved but most of the hygiene issues become a huge deal and are so silly. When a 3 yr old is getting an earache from sniffling you just force them to blow their nose, but when they're 13 and yelling that you're hurting them, you get a whole new ball of problems - any advice on reparenting things that should have been learned long ago?

Amie - posted on 01/05/2009

Don't worry about the Dr. Phil's of the world. You are a parent and shouldn't be afraid to disipline your child. I have an SD and a SS. They are with us full time. I tell them all the time that I love them. And I disapline them when they need it. Their father also disaplines them. It just depends on who is there. We talk about how we want the kids raised so we are always on the same page and have each others back with the kids. With you SD thinking your running her life well that just means your doing a good job. God I remember tell my Mom something similar. Kids need structure and bonderies. Our kids BM doesn't disaplin them. But then again she cancels most of the time and disappoints them with broken promises. They will and do realize who cares about them. It just wouldn't be normal if a teenager didn't act like a teenager and think that her parents were smothering them. Just remember to balance the disapline with praise for the good stuff. And keep a united front with your husband. Good Luck

Dari - posted on 01/05/2009

I AGREE WITH THE OTHER LADIES. I HAVE A STEP SON WHO IS NOW 17 AND LIVES WITH US FULL TIME. WHEN WE BLENDED OUR FAMILIES TOGETHER, I HAVE A 7 YR. OLD, AND WE HAVE A 2 YR OLD TOGETHER, IT WAS ROUGH. MAINLY BECAUSE OF THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN WHAT HIS MOTHER ALLOWS AND WHAT I THOUGHT WAS INAPPROPRIATE. I WAS FORTUNATE IN THAT MY HUSBAND IS IN AGREEMENT WITH ME AND HAS BACKED ME UP WITH HIM. WE'VE RAISED HIM THE SAME AS WE HAVE WITH THE OTHER TWO. HIS MOTHER DOESN'T REQUIRE HIM TO DO ANYTHING AND THEREFORE HE IS VERY IRRESPONSIBLE. WE REQUIRE CHORES AND RULES TO BE FOLLOWED. HE SOMETIMES STILL QUARELLS ABOUT THEM, BUT THINGS WORK FAIRLY SMOOTHLY MOST OF THE TIME. THE MAIN KEY IS TO TALK WITH YOUR HUBBY AND MAKE SURE YOU ARE ON THE SAME PAGE AND IF YOU AREN'T, COME UP WITH A NEW PLAN OF ACTION SO THAT YOU CAN BE CONSISTANT TOGETHER. SHE'S OLD ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS "THE WAY IT IS". YOU AND DAD COULD SIT DOWN WITH HER ONCE YOU HAVE YOUR "GAME PLAN" TOGETHER. HOPE THAT THIS HELPS.

Sarah - posted on 01/05/2009

I have a 12 year old SD full time and we have a 1 year old son also. She hasn't had a relationship with her mom since she was 4 and it has just been her and her dad till the last few years. I have known her since she was 3 but in just a friend capacity. So know to be an authority figure in her life I completely understand how you feel about the discipline. Even when I don't have anything to do with the discipline she blames me for it, she blames me for everything, but when it comes to things that I know she is going to get mad at my husband always does the discipline. I think that it has to be on a case to case basis. If it works best for you both to have the discipline divided then keep it that way as long as you are united, but if it gets to be to much it's okay to have your husband be the bad guy.

Jessica - posted on 01/05/2009

Ooops, I didn't mean to make it sound like my husband is the problem. He totally agrees that my SD should listen to me - we are both parent figures - he'll say. It's really just me doubting myself and feeling awkward that I am doing a lot of the disciplining. I think I mostly worry that she'll learn to resent me because I'm the "bad guy" and he often gets to be the "fun one". I worry this will eventually happen a little with our other kids, but it seems it would be much harder for my stepdaughter. She's only been with a little under 2 years (she's 13 now) and feels her mom basically abondoned her. Her mom was very 'light on discipline' shall we say, so even though she's thriving with structure she feels like I'm running her life and looking over her constantly when we're actually very allowing parents for most stuff.



Anyway, so far you guys have all helped me to see that it really does make sense to have the same household rules for everyone, and that of course I have to act like a parent, not a bystander. I guess I always knew that - I've known her since she was about 5 but we only saw her every other weekend or less (nasty court stuff) - and I almost immediately became more like an authority than a friend. It's just that whenever you hear counsellors advice (or watch Dr Phil or whatever) they imply that the step parent should never be disciplining and it's important to step back and let the bio parent make decisions - but I could just never see it working but it tore at my conscience.



Thanks a lot guys, for your advice so far

Michelle - posted on 01/05/2009

As a step mother of a 4-year-old boy, my biggest challenge has been the limit testing. I have been blessed with the love and support of my husband who will stand behind my decisions. Of course if he disagrees we talk about it in private away from other ears in the house so all that the children (I have a 11-year-old of my own) see is a united front. My SS mother has some emotional problems and tried to take off with the boy last May so we did also enlist the help of a family therapist to help us blend our families and as a support system for us as parents and it has helped alot. Good luck with your situation. I understand how frustrating it can be.

Michelle - posted on 01/05/2009

We have struggled with the same situations in the past. We have a large blended family. I have three stepchildren in addtion to three of my own. It can be very challenging, but your husband needs to support your rules. If he doesn't your stepdaughter won't respect you. When we are both home, I have him do the disciplining. If I disagree with something, I let him know in private not in the ears of the kids, otherwise they will play you against each other. I think that the same rules should apply equally to all the children in the house. I think that you need to talk to your husband and tell him how your feeling and maybe he'll become more involved. It's a lot for him to put everything on you.

Sandy - posted on 01/05/2009

Jessica..I am in the exact situation. I also have a 13 year old step-daughter that lives with us full time. I think that because you are the childs primary parent that you should have the same rules for her as you would for a bio child. Its different then if you have a step-child that visits regularly but lives primarily at another home. This child needs stability as well and your other children will grow to be resentful of her if she has a different set of rules or is treated differently. I am a stay at home mom so I am the one who handles most of the daily care of the children regardless of which children they are so there has got to be normal stucture and rules for everyone to blend and for the kids and myself to have proper respect for each other. Good luck

Tracy - posted on 01/04/2009

I have a 11 yo SD and my husband and I believe she should be treated equal to our other 2 children. SHe doesnt live with us only every other weekend and whenever else we can take her is usually ok. Her mom doesnt include us in on alot of things going on and if she does it it usually last minute. But when she is here she is treated equal as the other 2 except age oriented of course. We have rules and chores and expectations of the other 2 and she has to help out when around.. Its equal between my husband and I.

Erin - posted on 01/04/2009

As long as he is comfortable with the way you two are raining your son, his daughter should be no different. Talk to him about it. If the daughter is in your home full time, then she needs to follow the same guidelines as your son. And if he doesn't like how you are 'raising' his daughter, then he needs to step up and be more active, if not, he needs to give you the reins and trust your judgment. :)