When I say "no" my SD goes to her Daddy behind my back... HELP PLEASE!

[deleted account] ( 21 moms have responded )

Okay, so my SD (almost 7 years-old) is usually the perfect child (I know a lot of people say that, but she literally gives us almost no problems and is a generally great kid), but she has started doing this one thing lately. She'll ask me something (such as "Can I have ice cream?") and my answer will be "no" (for example "No, you cannot because...). She will then proceed to find her Dad and ask him the exact same question - and he usually says "yes." He is almost always in another room, so he didn't hear my question. She and my husband were together just them for almost a year before we met (her mother ran out on them) and as a result she is a big daddy's girl and he can't say "no" to most things she asks for. It finally got to me the other day and I got very upset with my husband for being such a pushover and with my daughter for going behind my back. I do not want a repeat of last night where we all went to bed upset and me feeling like a bad guy. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this?

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Jackie - posted on 07/20/2009

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you two just have to get on the same page make your husband aware of what she is doing so he can ask u if you told her no first im in the same boat but my step daughters are 14 and 13 they where alone with there dad there hole lives so when i came in the picture i had no say in things at first but things r getting better

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Dee - posted on 08/25/2009

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We have 13 kids between the two of us and that card was played for awhile at our house. My hubby and I got together and came up with the Double Asking Rule. If you double ask you have to suffer the consequences. And we always ask what did daddy say or what did mom say before we answer so if they lie thats a double punishment. She will get the pic once she realizes you guys are a team.

Amber-lee - posted on 08/17/2009

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my Three year old stepdaughter does this as well or Daddy will say yes right in front of me right after i've said no! i had to go to hospital the other day as i was unwell and previously that day he'd done this. so while we're sitting waiting for the doctor i bailed him up about it, i told him "No this has got to stop, do not undermine my authority because as she gets older she will listen to me less and less, i know she is you're little girl but i refuse to raise i spoilt child if i say no babe i mean no." he understood and things have been a lot better when i say no and Daddy doesn't back it up our little angel will move on and forget about it. i spoke to him put my foot down and he understood perfectly we're happier and i feel better for it. don't get me wrong i felt like a right royal biatch for doing it but it needed to be said. good luck hun!

[deleted account]

We've been doing really well since I posted this thread a while ago. My daughter started to do it last night, but caught herself - and just for that I gave her what she had asked for in the first place! I was so happy that she caught herself! :)

Emily - posted on 07/29/2009

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Put your foot down to both of them (Dad and Daughter). Tell your husband that you feel disrepected when they do that. I had the same problem with my step son all of you have to communicate with each other. Something else to start doing and after a while it will get on his nerves (Ask your Daddy).When he ask why polietly tell him I tired of being ignored or disrepected.

Jamie - posted on 07/27/2009

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I think this is where the pharse "go ask your mom" comes in, the one we all heard growing up. If SD is going to ask for something either DH needs to get up and talk to you or mutter those words "go ask your mom" or " go ask Holly" or even "what did Holly tell you" I think the last one is your best bet, this way she has to say if shes already asked you or not. and what you said. If shes as good as you say she wont lie about it.

Amanda - posted on 07/27/2009

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My SD (she's 7) does the same thing. She will ask me first (or vice versa) and when I say no she'll ask her Dad. My husband always asks her if she asked me first to find out what I said, that way there are no fights.

Mindy - posted on 07/26/2009

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My partner and I are on the same page as that one and will not tolerate it. We call each other out many times when if we hear it happening or see the results of it happening. Even if we don't agree about the response we give her, my partner will always tell her no and back up whatever I said and vis versa. She then gets in big trouble and looses whatever she was asking for and then some. She doesn't pull it very often and she regrets it when she does. You got to show them a united front on that one! It's not always easy but a lot less stressful once it's settled.

Betty - posted on 07/25/2009

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All kids do this to some degree or another. They will normally ask the person they think will say yes first but if they say no than they will ask the other parent anyway just in case it works. They aren't trying to be bad they just want to do what they want to do.

Nicole - posted on 07/23/2009

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Oh we used to have that issue, but with us it was the other way around! Shes just testing her limits to see where they lie. But we just talked about it and decided to show a united front when it came to the kids. When they see that they have no lucky weaseling what they want out of either of us then the will stop that behavior and it teaches them that they cant pit us against each other. Also talk to ur husband about his decisions as while, let him know how it makes u feel and try to come up with certain things that u feel firmly about and things that you can let go of and that will make a world of difference. Explain to him that u dont want her to grow up being spoiled because this will make life hard for her. But above all Holly Pick and choose your battles!!!

Candace - posted on 07/23/2009

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Well first off your husband/boyfriend should be on the same page as you were she is concerned. I see he want's to give his princess everything she want's now ,but i guarantee, he will not want to do that later. She is young enough that she will get over being told no, and it will be OK, later in life she will not be so happy if daddy tells her no. talk to him let him know how you feel and that you think it would be nice and respectful to you if he, checks with you to see if she has already asked for something. children will play both sides of the fence if there allowed to..
She seems to be learning this already. I too have a step son who is 14 and thinks that the rules don't apply to him just my three children now i know he is out numbered but if you let that be the bases of any complaint you will get no where. talk to your husband see if he is willing to teach himself to ask her if she has already asked for things or to ask her what did holly say? (or mom what ever she calls you) !!! that's would help a lot and never sweat the small stuff never go to bed angry, that doesn't solve anything...

Lucy - posted on 07/22/2009

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well i went through this and i was told that when i and my husband go to bed that i tell him how i feel when take over.. i told that i felt very upset and i need him to back me up on my no to our girls and i said when the girls go see u and ask u some thing u ask what diid mom say they would say uhm uhm she said yes then he would say well i going to ask her then then the girls will say ooh she said no i forgot.but it is always best to talk to each other when it comes to kids and let each other know how you feel.. we still go through it our girls are 13,13,10,9 yrs old but i talk to him and let him know how i feel when they do that to us and i keep telling u back me up and i back u up remeber he say ok

[deleted account]

oh, i am already dreading the teenage years! :)



thanks for all the advice everyone! I also had my hubby read your responses and we are really on the same page with this - it's great! :D

Leilani - posted on 07/21/2009

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yes...also remember too that this will not completely end...as time passes she will forget and will try again...just be patient and remind her of her promise holding her to it. But always stay on the same page with your husband because it will get more challenging as she grows into a teenager...

Stephanie - posted on 07/21/2009

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It's great that you had the talk. Just know it's not only a "step-child" thing but all children do it. Your husband has to be consistant when she asks him questions. He needs to be sure you haven't already given her an answer...so, he must ask her if she's already asked you. It will take some time, but he will remember and it will get better! Then there will be something else. It is just part of being a parent and the child trying to test their boundries. Be patient.

[deleted account]

thanks for the advice everyone! all three of us sat down last night and discussed the issue. my daughter promised to never do it again (and yes, i trust her) and my hubby says he will be more aware and think twice before saying "yes" to something i may say "no" to. :)

ERICKA - posted on 07/21/2009

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WELL HOLLY I THINK THAT U AND YOUR HUSBAND NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS BECAUSE IT WILL GET WORSER WHEN SHE'S OLDER U ARE THE WOMEN OF THE HOUSE AND THE MOTHER IN YOUR SD LIFE SO SHE HAS TO RESPECT WHAT U SAY I DON'T CARE HOW OLD SHE IS YOU HAVE TO PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN NOW OTHER WISE U GOT HELL ON YOUR HANDS.YOU DON'T ASK 4 RESPECT YOU DEMAND IT PERIOD I'AM A STEPMOM OF 3 TEENAGE KIDS AND IT WAS HARD IN THE BEGINING BECAUSE OF THE NEGATIVE IN PUT OF THE OTHER PARENT,BUT I DONOT TOLERATE A DISRESPECTFUL KID PERIOD U EITHER RESPECT ME AS STEPMOM OR TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF OUTSIDE OF OUR HOME IT MAY SOUND HARSH BUT I'M NOT GOING TO BE UNHAPPY IN MY OWN HOME HELL NAW NOT HAPPENING PERIOD. NOW ME AND MY STEPKIDS GET ALONE AWSOME THEY LOVE ME UNCONDITIONALLY,RESPECT ME VERY WELL.I MEAN THERE ARE TIMES WHEN MY 2 STEPDAUGTERS WOULD COME TO ME AND SAY I WISH U WE'RE MY REAL MOM I HEARD THAT SO MANY TIMES BUT SEE ME I'M NOT THAT SELFISH TYPE I ALWAYS TELL MY STEPKIDS LISTEN I'M HONORED THAT U FEEL THAT WAY BUT U HAVE A MOTHER WHO LOVE ALL YALL THEIR MAY BE TIMES YALL FALL OUT AND SAY MEAN THINGS TO EACHOTHER BUT SHE IS YOUR MOTHER LOVE AND RESPECT HER AT ALL TIMES PERIOD,NOONE CAN REPLACE YOUR MOTHER NOT EVEN ME NEVER FORGET THAT THEY JUST LOOK AT ME SUPRISED.SO U HAVE TO HOW BOTH SIDE LOVE THEM AND SHOW THEM UR THE BIGGER PERSON IT'S TIMES THEY DON'T WANT TO EVEN GO 2 THERE BIO MOM HOUSE EXSPECIALLY MY OLDEST STEPDAUGHTER SO MANY TIMES I'VE GOTTON MAD AT THEM 4 THAT LOVE THE CHILD BUT TEACH THEM 2 RESPECT U AND THE BIO PARENTS THATS WHERE GOD STEP IN.STOP LETTING HER DO U THAT WAY TRUST IN WILL GET WORSE AND WILL EVETUALLY CAUSE PROBLEMS IN YOUR MARRIAGE..

[deleted account]

When I was still with my hubby our daughter used to do this-the way we got around it was instead of saying yes / no outright-if I had been asked for example for an icecream-I would say to her that I'll go and check with daddy and get back to you-that way if she'd already been to him and gotten a no I knew I wasn't undermining him and vice versa

Kim - posted on 07/20/2009

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That is so funny because mine do the same thing. That is such typical behavior of a girl (or any child) that age, LOL. It is very aggrivating but you have to give them props for using their little brains. My 7 year old SD tries to pull that all the time, however, it's kind of the opposite. Daddy is the one who usually says "no." I'm the more laid back one so if they don't get the answer they want from daddy, they'll ask me. If they're smart about it, they'll bypass daddy all together and just ask me first. A good indicator usually is if they go out of their way to find the other parent to ask a question...i.e. daddy is downstairs but she comes all the way upstairs to track me down to ask for a popsicle...that's when I tell her "go ask daddy, he's downstairs." Or, if they go find daddy outside or in the garage to ask for something and he knows I'm right in there. Daddy has been pretty good about asking them if they've already asked me or he'll just holler at me and say "kids are asking for a...?" She's actually taken to using a new tactic where she'll come ask a question or ask for something and if she doesn't get the answer she wants, she'll send her brother down to ask the same question...(or vice versa, I'm always answering the same question twice LOL) or if she thinks the answer is no, she'll just send him in first and put him in the line of fire. Clever little things! Testing, testing, testing all the time. They need to know we are communicating and they can't pull that trick. But, they still try on occasion, they can't help themselves. My hubby always says "if mommy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" So, bottom line, ya'll need to be on the same page as Jacqlyn mentioned so that the child(ren) know you and the other parent aren't going to be manipulated. If you see that she's making that move and have to holler up the stairs or into the other room to daddy that you told her she can't have ice cream for whatever reason...then that's one tactic...at least until she gets it. Good luck!!!

[deleted account]

He is usually pretty good at asking her if she's already asked me. She actually hasn't pulled this stunt (for lack of a better word) for a couple of months now, so when she did it was kind of upsetting.



Thanks for your supportive words and advice. We are working on it and hopefully she'll get the point that my husband and I are on the same page with this issue and it's wrong.

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