Why

Kerri - posted on 05/08/2009 ( 15 moms have responded )

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Why in this group do you women only talk about how much you don't get along with the mother of your step children. Why doesn't anyone ever talk about their step children in here. And how much fun they have with their step children or anything of that matter! I joined this group cause I thought it would be nice to read about other people step children. And stuff like that. But all I read about on here is how much you guys hate the real mother. And how you wish they would do this or that. I will admit that I don't completely get along with the real mother of my step daughter. But honestly I would much rather tell you about how much I love my step daughter and how much fun it is to be around her and everything like that. Anyways I guess that Im done ranting! Just wanted to rant about how annoying it is to read nothing but Bio mom this and Bio mom that! GOD ITS ANNOYING!!!!!

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Di - posted on 05/14/2009

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Hi Kerri, I am sorry that you are finding this group a negative rather then a positive. I know for myself, it was wonderful to hear that I wasn't alone in some of my feelings towards my husband, my stepkids and the bio mum in my situation. Until I found this group I had enormous pressure and guilt laid on me that I wasn't 'normal', because of some of those feelings. To come into a group where they share similar experiences and have the same 'normal' feelings as I do, gives me such relief. Before this group I got the old, what I would do (without really understanding what you are talking about) in your situation is this, and I have shaken my head and walked away feeling more confused then ever. There is also some on here that have faced similar situations and have dealt with it in a positive way so we gain their experience and benefit from it. I have wonderful times with my stepdaughters. I love them very much and am very blessed to have them in my life. I thank God for them and I have learnt much from them. But like any relationship there have been difficult times for all of us and who better to ask advice from, then women who live my experience everyday? Just as an example of someone just giving voice to what they are going thru which has struck a chord in me is the previous post. We go months without seeing our stepdaughters and miss out on all the everyday things such as school assemblies, the sports events etc. and the choice not to fight custody for the good of the kids. Boy can I relate to this so much. I just feel so much more not alone anymore. If you don't like what we post because that is our need, then either post something about the great times you have or go else where. Don't come in here and put down something that maybe you don't need. There are many of us that do need this.

Catrina - posted on 05/11/2009

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I believe this entire group of support comes down to what each individual person is seeking support for...... For me personally, I don't know anyone and am not really needing advice on being a Step Mother. I'm looking for understanding. Whether it be about the complications I have with Bio Mom or just the situation in which Bio Mom is a part of. Of course I won't come on here to talk about my husband, it's not a Marriage group. When I'm reaching out to Bio Mom and constantly hitting a brick wall, I'm frustrated and somewhat looking for a complete stranger to tell me "hey ya know what, back off. It's not what it may seem, look at it from this point of view" or something along those lines.......

I haven't posted much, because I've seen things go from one topic to a completely claws out typing war....so to speak. I've always said, and will continue to say - that if there is not something nice to say then don't say it at all. I've tried to live by this, although I'll be the first to admit I have fallen into a "battle" type situation of what my opinion is on a post. But that comes down to the frustration part of being a woman who is a mother period. Yeah I may not have carried my Step Son and Step Daughter in my womb, but I am still their "other" mom. No matter how much I dislike the actions of the Bio Mom I deal with, that's the one thing she'll always have. My respect because she is the mother of those 2 beautiful blessings/additions to my life.

Some are willing to share more info about their Step kids....me not so much. That's just me. Nothing personal, because I know none of you personally (except maybe my friends who MIGHT have joined this group) however those close to me, in my daily life are the ones that I express everything too. Some of my hesitation is because of the possibility of access to my posts, being a "heads up" sort of situation, and I don't want that to happen. Does that make sense?

At first I almost thought, ya we should have a separate group about "Complications with Bio Mom" or as some would put it "Hate of Bio Mom" - but then again, that's not a group I'd want to be in. As a Bio Mom myself, I understand that their are certain things I do and the other family does not see my reasons as valid. Or they throw out excuse after excuse...but it's not going to change my ways.

But yes, threads about specifically relating to the step children - is wonderful. As are the ones in which someone is seeking help with Bio Mom......

To each it's own.....no one will change my feelings or opinions on what I perceive my personal experience to be. However, I am more than willing to accept alternate point of views in order to get some perspective that I might have missed or ignored. Even in the situations of "Oh how I wish this one time is the start of a new beginning...." and yet it turns out to be ANOTHER disappointment.....

Anyhow...on another note, talking about my step kids (who live in another state - not dad's choosing, Bio Mom moved them w/out permission) only reminds me more of the time we don't get with them. The simple school assemblies we miss. The sport events we miss. The weekend fun....because my husband decided NOT to yank his kids back into his custody after a 16 month search. It makes me sad that someone else made the decision, and the consideration of the children's best interest is something we live with daily. Ughhhh now I'm ranting aren't I??? I'm sorry!

I agree, but disagree as well for my own personal reasons of the "spies" or notations of my frustrations. That in all reality, have not one single thing to do with the custody of my step kids or the visitation with their father. However would be used to just cause more complications............

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15 Comments

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Rachel - posted on 11/20/2012

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It's great you get along with the BM and your step kids and don't need to vent. Sadly, it's not so easy for some of us and we need the support of this group. It's hard when you are in a constant battle and here we can talk about it with people going through the same situations. If you knew half of it, you would know why we vent! It's always worse inside the mess than out of it!

AMY - posted on 11/14/2012

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So join another group. Find one you like if this is not the one for you. Simple solution.

Shell - posted on 11/08/2012

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I think most of us have a lot of stress from the bio's and we need a place to vent and feel heard. It's sometimes difficult to talk to hubbies or friends that aren't in the same situation. Personally being able to vent, relate and feeling understood on this site has helped relieve some of the stress in my life!! Not only that, it's relieved some of the guilt I had over some of my feelings towards my husband, my SS and BM. It was a great relief in being validated and knowing that I'm not horrible for having those feelings was a huge weight off my shoulders! So I just want to say I NEED THIS! And I really appreciate it when someone can relate to my posts. And I just feel better VENTING. This has been a wonderful site for me. Thanks everyone!

Sandy - posted on 05/14/2009

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I think that would be a great place to stop for some inspiration on a rough day Tee : )

Tee - posted on 05/14/2009

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Sandy I think that is an excellent idea! Maybe it should be called "The Positives of Stepparenting!"

Sandy - posted on 05/14/2009

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I personally have read alot of stuff on here that is positive about people and how they get along with their step kids and their real moms....and have commented on how great I think that is but along with the good there comes some bad and thats unfortunately the stuff that people need support and advise about and sometimes they just need to vent...nothing wrong with sharing the good and the bad. Although perhaps if that is not what you are looking for you could start a group that concentrates on other aspects of step parenting and only shares the positive....

Tee - posted on 05/14/2009

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So far I haven't started any conversations on here but I have assisted with giving advice and trying to help out SM's that seem to be going through problems with the BM or the children.



I have come to find out that many use this site to vent because there really is no one else out there that can understand them or know what they are going through. It is hard for SM's and I agree it can be equally hard being a BM dealing with a SM. Many just use this site to channel their emotions and I find nothing wrong with that.



I guess maybe it can be annoying but then again how can it be annoying when you are reaching out for help and advice when it comes to your step children and their BM's? I see many women in here trying to better the situation and not make it worse then it already is. Just my opinion!!

Heidi - posted on 05/10/2009

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Hi Kerri I know exactly what you are saying. I am a sm, but I am also a bm. I just so happen to be one of the bm that is being talked about on here. Although people are on here trying to get advice and so, there is only so much bad mouthing that can go on. So you are right people should also write about there sk's and what kind of relationship they have with them and the kinds of stuff they do with the time the sk's are visiting, but some people find the need to rant and rave all the time, and they go on about it. So good for you saying that people should talk about other things! And only recently have people started talking about sk's rather then all the negative stuff about the bm. Some people should just step back and have a look at the whole situation...maybe its not always the bm faults for the negativity, I am sure there are plenty of sm out there that are just as guilty.

Francesca - posted on 05/09/2009

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i also have written positive stuff. we all need advice on here and thats why we join this site. my ss's our great and i love them like their my own. but we all have to deal with what comes with them. i would love to get along with bio mum, but she just doesn't want to, and thats fine. start a new conversation we will all join in im sure.

Amanda - posted on 05/09/2009

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I joined this site because I needed someone who understood what I was going through. I have also discussed fun things I have done with my sk's, how I met my husband, what I love about being a mother, amung other positive topics on this site. It's not all negative, but when your sk's are wonderful, your marriage is bliss, and the only problem you have in life are the frustrations from the bm it is nice to have somewhere to openly discuss it and get feedback. Especially when you are talking to women who understand how you feel. If you want to discuss something positive then start a positive conversation. We are all always happy when someone reminds us how great things are and a positive post always gets many replies! It just takes someone to get it started sometimes.

Amanda - posted on 05/08/2009

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I totally agree. I actually started a conversation asking of anyone got along with the BM. There should be more positive comments on here about how great our step kids are!

Kerri - posted on 05/08/2009

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Quoting Amanda:

Why even write anything if its annoying to you? Cmon its called Step Moms, its whatever u wanna talk about on here even if it is about people not getting along with the BIO mom. I am sure all of their stepkiddos are fun and loving, mine are:) but its whatever problem they are having at the time and they want advise.... Or whatever!



It wouldn't be that big of a deal people writing stuff on here about the bio moms if they actually wrote about other stuff as well! But they don't all you women talk about it not getting along with the bio mom. There is never a post on here about anything else. You would never know that they enjoy their step-kids because they never talk about them. All they talk about is how much they dislike the Bio moms!!

Amanda - posted on 05/08/2009

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Why even write anything if its annoying to you? Cmon its called Step Moms, its whatever u wanna talk about on here even if it is about people not getting along with the BIO mom. I am sure all of their stepkiddos are fun and loving, mine are:) but its whatever problem they are having at the time and they want advise.... Or whatever!

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