Why do BM's send the kids in messed up clothes?

Eliz - posted on 01/28/2010

It's almost impossible to change the way they look at things. My fiance used to wash and send my SS back to his BM in the same ratty small clothes she sent him in. But when I started becoming more involved in it I started throwing out the old, too small clothes she sent him in and I would send him back in nice, properly fit clothing. Eventually she ran out of crap to dress him in and I was only seeing the nice things me and my fiance bought him.

Kacelyn - posted on 01/28/2010

My stepson is almost four and she send him in 24 month old clothes, and if we send him in nice clothes she keeps the clothes & sends him back in nasty clothes. I started buying nice things and keeping them here & i send him back in alright clothes. I get embarressed of the clothes he is sent in. My son was in the NICU and when Anth would come visit she would send him in green shorts and a red spongebob shirt and blue crocs. What the heck is that kind of outfit? I don't want people thinking that is how we dress our kids. So i have clothes here that are cute & others that weren't too expensive that we will send him to school in when he sleeps here. I am so happy I am not the only one dealing with this.

Jenn - posted on 01/28/2010

Not to knock dads but I think moms often think dads pay less attention to the condition of a child's clothing than a mom would so in preservation of the "good or school" clothes moms send kids to dad's in the oldies. I must say even if I am leaving my biological children home with my husband I dress them in the scrubbies, dad is more likely to play in the garage grease, not wipe ketchup off their shirt...etc. I just resorted to buying my SS a wardrobe to have here, and then had to condition myself to not get angry as it disappeared piece by piece to the BM house and was replaced with the scrubbies he was sent in, but it all works out, DON'T STRESS THE SMALL STUFF and what your kids are wearing is the small stuff!!!

Sarah - posted on 01/28/2010

What is it with SMs on this site? They just want to bitch about the 'BM' all the time! Just bear in mind that children only ever have one true mum and they should respect that!

Melinda - posted on 01/28/2010

Oh man! There are some doozies on here! The BM over here for YEARS when we would pick SD up for our week would send her in pajamas, at 5:00 in the evening. When we returned her the following week she'd have on a cute outfit that we bought her because we couldn't let SD handle the embarrassment of going out in public in her pajamas. That stopped one week when I sent SD to her mom's in a brand new sweater, brand new undershirt, brand new tights and an old Gap jean skirt. BM took it ALL except for the sweater and swore up and down to my husband that SHE bought it. Not knowing any better, my husband said everything was okay the next week when he picked her up in pajamas again, thinking that by giving back the sweater his ex had given back everything. When he showed up I was livid! SD started going back to her mom's in pajamas. Now the BM lets her wear regular clothes, sometimes even nice ones, but she always sends ones that she knows will annoy us. For example, last week she wore a Christmas shirt and this week it's a Halloween one. BM still makes sure that it's something we won't want to take her out in, but at least they're clean, they fit and they're not pajamas. When Friday comes she will wear her mom's jeans and a different shirt to school, and change into the hideous Halloween thing at 4:58. :)

Lanaya - posted on 01/28/2010

IDK ya'll my BM makes 2x's more $$ than my husband right now and we sometimes visit him at his school unannounced and he look just as raggedy and ashy. For one while we had a good system that she would send him in a nice outfit and we would send him home in a nice outfit and then on the next rotation she would send back the outfit I sent him in and I would do the same. All of a sudden it just stopped. but i also noticed that SS tries to hide his clothes when he is here because "someone is going to take my shoes" i have to remind him that it is just us in the house and no one can fit his shoes he finally stop but something is going. He has outfits here as well and shoes, socks, underwear and etc...he also likes the fact that he can pick out his own clothes with us, and his mom is always telling him that she is rich and daddy is poor. we are poor because we live in an apartment that is about as big as the house she renting, we just don't have a backyard. LOL

Holly - posted on 01/27/2010

We told our daughter's bm that she is responsible for clothes for her house during visits (she only gets visitation for 2 weeks every 3 months and she lives over 2600 miles away from us). We send our daughter in nice, clean clothes, and we also send her with five outfits that she chooses. I take pictures of all the clothes we send to document their condition and then if they don't come home in the same condition (with the exception of things like playground tears that we are informed of before our daughter comes home and stuff like that) then we also document that with pictures. Occasionally, our daughter comes home with an outfit or two from her bm's house, but she always comes home with the five outfits we sent.



This seems to work pretty well for us, but I guess in this aspect we are kinda lucky! Good luck to all you ladies who have to deal with this issue!

Jamie - posted on 01/27/2010

I got to the point where i got tired of seeing the to small, stained, or torn clothing so i finally refused to send my SK's home in it. I bought them an outfit a piece to wear home & My husband told BM that that is the outfit to be worn over to our home. & that if she continued to send her own kids over w/ that type of clothing then we would document it & use it against her in court. We are wanting to get custody of my SK's. We feel that BM is unstabloe to take care of the kids. Hope everything works out for u!

Michele - posted on 01/27/2010

It is a waste of your time trying to get the BM to understand your point of view, especially if they take the attitude they are never wrong, and are just plain spiteful. My husband and I for the longest time kept the clothes that were to small and sent them home in appropriate sizes, but even that made the BM angry as she would acuse us of stealing her clothes even though we were providing her with brand new outfits. Time went by and we began seeing pictures of the girls and they had perfectly appropriate outfits, it became obvious that the BM was just being spiteful. Therefore we just began taking pictures of the girls in the clothes she sent them in and keeping a journal. It's difficult and as a mother myself it makes me so mad, but I've come to terms with the only thing we can do is provide them with what they need at our house, pray for them, and let it go. Good luck!

Cyn - posted on 01/18/2010

what is worse is when you send them back to the BM's in clean new clothes and never see those clothes again. We have actually had to request her to send our nice clothes back to us. Now we always send the kids back in the same clothes they come in.

Brittany - posted on 01/15/2010

in my case... we told BM to not send any clothes with him from now on because we bought clothes for him to just stay at the house.. but in the beginning she brought him in thin pjs no socks shoes or coat.. in 40 degree weather... kinda stupid! then almost everytime after that she has sent him in pajamas.. which really makes for a pain if we have to go somewhere right after picking him up.. also he grew outta his shoes so she sent his boots with him well the wardrobe we have for him boots wont go with so we had to go buy him new shoes.. i feel like with her CS that she gets from us she should have bought him new shoes if he needed them!

Lisa - posted on 01/15/2010

Of course they send the kids in dirty ripped clothes. This is supposed to prove that they don't get enough child support, they can't even afford to buy the kids clothes to fit. Poor me! and then we are supposed to run down to the store and buy them new clotehs so they look appropriate wherever we planned to take them!!
I have an 11 year old girl and his youngest is 10-they wear the same size-as his girls were getting ready to leave to go home one day, I was doing laundry when all of a sudden all hell breaks loose because the two girls start laying claim to the same shirt.
Now personally I don't really care and I certainly don't count the clothes my kids have but now Dad gets in it and says that his daughter will get in trouble if she doesn't bring home all of her clothes, that I just don't understand how much trouble they will get into. Since my daughter has more than enough clothes-from grandma and from friends who love to pass over hand-me-downs that are gorgeous-I let his daughter take the shirt but I was angry-it made my daughter look like a liar. Well then , less than a week later, the girls are being funny and they send an e-mail picture of themselves being silly and, what do you know, there is his youngest daughter wearing one of my daughter's shirts (one that is unmistakable). I said, "if your ex-wife is so concerned about the girls not leaving their clothes here, why is it that she has no concern when she see them wearing clothes that she knows aren't her daughters clothes"-if she counts their clothes when they get home, how come she doesn't tell us about this? I hate ex-wives!!!!

Jessica - posted on 01/15/2010

So true bm use to make comments that I was just being to picky and the clothes fit them fine. She made these comments to my ss's and they would come home and tell me about. I would explain if they r cutting into your tummy and u have red lines around your tummy they r too small. If
your shirts showed you belly button it was to small.

Jane - posted on 01/15/2010

I deal with this issue with my two SSs. For the first few years it used to make me so mad. I'd spend hundreds of dollars each visit on new clothes and send them back with the kids just to make sure they had clothes (including underwear) that fit. I finally got fed up & decided that if there mom is ok with them looking like urchins at home that's her thing. Now she doesn't send them with clothes for their visits. They have clothes at our house that fit. This seems to work out pretty well & I don't even try to figure out her intentions.

Jessica - posted on 01/15/2010

I know what u mean my step sons spend the summer with there mother every year. we send nice clothes that fit but when they come home they have stained clothes and every year when we pick them up they have clothes that r too tight. It makes me so mad so last year we told her we were not longer sending clothes and she provides clothes there for them and we do the same at her house. I have started taking outfit with me when I pick them up. It seems to help

Sheri - posted on 01/15/2010

This has been an issue for years here. We have shared parenting, so each parent has the kids for a week at a time...from Sunday to Sunday. It is getting to the point where my 17 YO SS and 14 YO SD take suitcases back and forth. They are old enough to keep track of their own belongings now, but my 11 YO SD brings no cloths back and forth...what she comes in on Sunday evenings is what she goes back in on the following Sunday...I think we have an extreme case because its not just cloths that go back and forth with the older kids...its pets too. Bio-mom got the 14 yr old a hamster and says she will not take care of it on Dads weeks....so we have to transport the cage, food and bedding each week. The 17 year old has a dog we got him but we do not allow him to take it back and forth, when its moms week we take care of it. We almost need a moving truck to take all the suitcases, pet supplies, book-bags, musical instruments back and forth. It has also gotten to the point that the older 2 take all their toiletries back and forth...well they take them from here but always seem to forget them there so we have to go buy new stuff each week. I seriously believe we are keeping bio-mom in stock on toiletries...

It is about the kids needs though so I keep my mouth shut...step-moms rule # 1...LOL

Sarah - posted on 01/15/2010

I am in the same situation as Michelle Rivers. Ex didnt care when my little girls good trousers had holes made from when she fell off her bike while learning to ride. She told me that he put them on her especially! She has also come back with badly soiled clothes and the stains havent come out either! He insisted on collecting her after school on the friday of the weekends he has with her. I said that he would need to buy uniform for me to dress her in, and a pair of school shoes - he made a big fuss about that! He was made to by the court in the end . As a result I have a set of clothes for when he collects her in the holidays, which like Michelle said - I am not bothered if they get damaged - but they are always clean and so is Emily when she goes with him.

SMs should remember that there are two sides to every story!

Michelle - posted on 01/14/2010

Hey i'd like to say my experience as both a bm and sm is that in the past i used to ALWAYS send my daughter to her dad in her normal clothes,(ie ones that fitted were new and clean) only to have them come home in a condition less then acceptable, they would be stained torn or just not returned!

Even after discussing it with him he just didnt care. and quiet simply i couldnt afford to keep replacing clothing that i didnt need to otherwise.

so she goes now in clothes that i dont care what happens to them! Its not that i dont care about her, i love my daughter. i just got sick of the lack of respect.

theres always two sides two every story

hope this helps

Danusha - posted on 01/14/2010

You can't. It a personal choice for these people to inflict this crap onto their own child.....do not react, just remove the crap when they get to your house or bring something better for them and do not make a scene about it. Everytime you ignore the poor choices of the BM, you come out looking and smelling like a rose. When the kids get older they will tell her NO themselves, so now all you do is wait until they become to cool for this game that their Mother is playing and their peers show them that it is wrong. My two SK's actually started fighting with their Mother over clothing issues and they did the work to make themselves dress better....your job is to only ensure that they look and feel good at your house so forget the drama and do not engage. It's a sick and twisted game that she needs to play by herself....shame on her.

Loreen - posted on 01/12/2010

We delt with that a lot in the beggining, my SS would come to our place in clothes two sizes to small and always dirty, his BM never sent anything else, not even diapers or pull-ups when he still needed them. I have an ex as well and as i always sent my son with everything he may need to be comfortable, just in case, i didnt understand and like many of you felt sorry for her, maybe she couldnt afford it? I was wrong, i would buy new stuff and send it home and on holidays he would get nice going out clothes like my son, but it continued and we never saw the nice stuff again. so i stopped sending anything at all, and he goes home in what he came in. we have stuff here that he can wear. it took almost 2 years for her to get the message and his clothing has improved, but you have to stick with it, and make a stink if they forget and wear something home.(i also have a husband who believes she will change and gives her chance after chance after chance)if he pays his needed support its her responsiblityto provide him with decent clothes for her house at least.

Alicia - posted on 01/11/2010

Ours does it so that she can keep the good clothes for school. In our case, I completely understand her doing that. BUT she's not sending him in nasty clothes, just sweats usually so that his nice jeans and shirts stay at their house.

Susanne - posted on 01/11/2010

My step daughter used to do this with her daughter she would send her to our house for the weekend in scruffy clothes and shoes too small in the hope that i would buy new clothes which i did because i was too ashamed to take the child out. I worked out she was taking the mick and what i did was i kept the new clothes i bought at our house and just sent her home in what she came in that way i didnt have to buy new stuff every weekend.

Lucienne - posted on 01/11/2010

I'm so glad that I'm not alone in this one.

When the children first started coming to us, their mother would send the little girl with the most shocking panties (sometimes without panties at all).

I spoke to my new mother in law about it and she said that the other grannies in the same old age home as her said that mothers do this so that
1. Fathers feel guilty for not being there so that the children get "only of the best" material items
2. Fathers/Step-mothers will pity the child and buy new clothing, thereby making the need to spend maintenance on the child, less

In the past 3.5 years the children's mother has only bought the children clothing is they are coming to us for an extended period, like a school holiday. If it's a weekend then clothing is too small, shoes are too small, there is no underwear...

The hard decision to make is whether you are going to allow the child's mother to manipulate you or not.

The other spanner in the works is that often this is done specifically to upset/annoy/irritate the dad and step mom. My advice would be to stop talking about it and buy clothing for the child to wear at your home - send him home in what he came in. I know that it sounds harsh, but you cannot control her or how she damages her relationship with her child. You can only ensure that your treatment of and relationship with the child is as good as you can make it.

Penny - posted on 01/10/2010

Stephanie, we hear that all the time too from my 6 year old SD. "My mom says you can buy me new clothes, any shoes, toys, and whatever I want because you're rich." Ha! I wish!!

Stephanie - posted on 01/10/2010

My SD's BM takes it a step further and actually tells my 7 y/o to make sure I buy her some new clothes to send back and puts the smallest outfits possible on her with holes and just plain nasty

Tara - posted on 01/10/2010

I go through the same thing, but in her eyes she does know wrong. We provide all his school clothes, and regular clothes. He leaves here on Friday and comes home from school on Monday wearing the exact same thing.

Catherine - posted on 01/10/2010

It's an unfortunate reality - I have had my stepson come back to my home in the same clothes I sent him to his mother's house in several days before. It is a very sad situation. My only suggestion is this: you can't make a grown woman grow some morals and/or good judgement. The best thing is to keep loving your SKs and keep them clean and well dressed when they're with you and send them home in clean, well kept condition. They grow up all too fast, as mine has, and they learn. Belive me. My son is a teenager now and he knows the deal. It would have done no good whatsoever for me to make a fuss with his BM about it - it would have just upset my step son.

Tatum - posted on 01/10/2010

I have the same issue with the Bm of my stepdaughter. She will send her in underwear that literally make indentions in the childs leg. I have bought clothes to send over there for her to wear home and it is the same thing every week! I have started to take pictures of my daughter everytime she comes through the door. I have made a game out of it saying I wanted to see how fast she is growing. That way when we go back to court I have a little ammo along with other things. It is not fair to the child and their self esteem.

Michelle - posted on 01/10/2010

I have been on both sides - the BM and SM - and the reason is because some dads either keep the good school clothes, or let them ruin them by playing in them. That's the only reason I sent "play" clothes with my child as a BM. Unless dad asked me to send something nice, they wore their grubbies! I felt as a SM, it was my husband's responsibility to buy his children their own clothes for our house. We didn't do the packing thing. They had clothes at our house so they didn't need to bring clothes from home. When they got there, they changed. I washed their clothes and they wore them home when they went. We had our clothes at our house, and they had their own clothes at home. No arguing about it. Worked great.

Amanda - posted on 01/09/2010

I went through this for a long time, well I still do but I made a change. For 3 years now my stepson is sent in the oldest clothes, shoes and so on. I used to feel sorry for the bio mom. I would wash and send back the clothes he wore when picked up (only thing he is ever sent with) and also put a brand new outfit on him to wear back. After hearing my husband tell me so many times that she's just doing this to get more things I agreed with him. He pays Child support btw. Now I wash the old clothes he's in, I send them back. BUT no new clothes are sent. We're not going to be made a fool of. We know there's plenty of brand new outfits, socks, underwear, shoes...everything we send down there. She's the fool for not putting her own child in nice things that she has for him. She just tries to make ppl think she has it so hard. Now when dropping him off I say "Be sure to wear one of those cool outfits I bought you the next time you come up." It doesn't work but at least I'm trying to get my point across!

Sherry - posted on 01/09/2010

document the clothing issue. sounds silly but pictures are very helpful when or if you ever need to take this issue to court as we did. BM kept sending 11 yr old over here with mismatched socks or socks belonging to her S.O. as well as too small underwear and pants. So small poor kid had a bellyache from the elastic and the school nurse called me to pick him up. She documented her belief why he felt ill-we had to use tha tin court also. We stopped sendinghim home in the same clothes because it was just nasty and he hated putting the clothes back on. So we sent them back in a bag with a note to get rid of them since they were too small. BD has had to have numerous conversations (all documented) to BM about providing the right size clothes or appropriate clothes. We went to court as the concerns were not being addressed by the mom and the judge ordered her to provide the proper clothing or loose her visitation rights. Definetely have your husband open a dialougue with her that she needs to provide the right size clothes etc for the child or ask if there is a problem with her providing them. If she can afford to get the proper clothesand does not that can be considered denial of critcal care and she can loose custody. I would advise maybe having a sit down with all 3 of you-including the child and have the child tell mom how wearing the torn raggedy clothes makes them feel. Hope this helps

Tracy - posted on 01/09/2010

We all care about our kids... Step or Bio! I think the one thing we need to remember is to put the child's needs first. When the child is to young pack their own bag, we feel the need to make sure they have everything. We also feel the other parents should do the same. When the child grows up, we tend to ask more questions.." What happen to... Where is.... Why didn't ... (when they return from the other parents home.) Let's face it, we as parents created this mess when we made our blended families. I think we all need a break. We are all great parents in our own way. Yes, it is difficult to deal with the clothing issue... But, We make due! Only time will tell on how our childern will be affected by our actions. I really think it needs to be more positive. We are great parents to take on the responsibilies that come with being part of a blened family. Give yourself a huge hug and your spouse too. (Then hug the rest of your blened family)

Toni - posted on 01/09/2010

The bio mom usually changes wen their life is in a better place. My husband and I just always had extra clothes for him just in case it happened. Shared custody used to be such a pain thank God it's a lot better now. It always gets better.

MaShanna - posted on 01/08/2010

You can'y do anything. My SD's BM doesn't send those kinds of clothes but we don't use them. It's made things a little tight but we have our own things for her when she comes over from clothes and shoes to toothbrushes and things for her hair. It keeps down confusion. We wash what she has on the day we get her and put it back on her when she goes home.

Felicia Neikolle - posted on 01/08/2010

As a BM and a SM let me shine some light on this ... a LOT of times it's out of habit from BEFORE you were in the picture!! A lot of men don't take care of the kids' clothes or don't bother to wash them and return the children in the same clothes - or worse, make them wear those same clothes the entire visit ... as a BM who has an ex like this ... I REFUSE to send the nice clothes that I had to buy the kids because he sure as heck wouldn't to his house. Even with him remarried ... she's no better ... the clothes stopped coming home once he was w/her b/c now she was furnishing her kids' closet w/the clothes I bought MY kids. All I'm saying is this - take into consideration all aspects of the situation ... she may just wanna keep the nice clothes for the kids at her house ... and that's her right ... the thing that step-moms fail to realize (keep in mind that I am one as well) is that although we think of the kids as ours - they are not. We have no legal rights to the children ... and until that changes then most BM's will continue to not know that we are actually in their kids' lives b/c we love them ... NOT to make their lives heck.

Penny - posted on 01/08/2010

She always packed SD different clothes (that she bought) before that we always sent back. That's why I don't get the whole same exact outfit and same couple of shirts dad bought her. Guess I shouldn't complain.. at least she's clean.

Cidalia - posted on 01/08/2010

@ Penny C.: I'm thinking that in your case, BM doesn't want to send them in clothes that she bought them in case she doesn't get them back (or at least that may be what she's thinking).

Penny - posted on 01/08/2010

I don't know which is worse, dirty too small clothes or the same exact clothes every time. We bought SD some clothes last year and have visits with her once a month. Every visit for the past 4 visits, BM has sent her in the same exact clothes and packed for her the same four or five shirts we've bought for her. One time she only packed snow boots so we bought her some cool light up gym shoes. Our very next visit I noticed them still sparkling white and asked her if her friends liked her shoes. Her response "My mom will only let me wear these shoes and the clothes Dad buys me when I'm with him." What kind of bs is that?

Cidalia - posted on 01/08/2010

I was thinking the same thing as Michelle: That she sends the kids like that so that you will buy them some new clothes (oh, look at me, I can't afford nice clothes for the kids). Keep some nice clothes at your place for the kids. If the children's non-custodial parent is paying child support, she has no excuse. Even on a tight budget, I've always managed to keep my kids dressed nice, clean, and in clothes that fit. Just this weekend, I was washing my SK's laundry, and there were a pair of boxers belonging to my SS that were completely tattered, thin, and full of holes. I mean, seriously? I usually just send their clothes back, but those were a bit much, so I'm sending back 1 pair of new ones. If it's a constant issue, I would consider taking pics of the kids in the crap their mom sends them in (never know if it's ever needed for court in the future).

Michelle - posted on 01/08/2010

She wants you to feel sorry for her, buy them clothes and send them back with it.
We used to do that because she sent them in clothes that I would not even send them to crèche with!
We asked her for better clothes, and she said she doesn't have money to but it.
What we've been doing for a year now, is we've bought them a few outfits that we keep at our house. We fetch them from crèche without an overnight bag, wash her clothes and end them back in it on Sunday. Our clothes stay perfectly intact and I'm never ashamed to take them anywhere, any time. Unlike when they wore her clothes.

Jackie - posted on 01/08/2010

Not havin a go,but my ex is a wanker who wont spend money on his kids. I have at times sent the kids to him with broken shoes(thats the only thing) in hope that maybe he would buy them some new ones.He never did. I'm not a bad mother,my kids have everything they need & want. They come first! So how do I make the father pay for his kids? I do realise there are retarded mothers out there that do try to "get what they can" I'm not one of them.

Danielle - posted on 01/08/2010

There is no way to get them to understand or get the message across, they just dont care. Trust me I have been there for 7 years. My husbands ex always sends my SS back home with torn, dirty, and to small clothes. She only thinks of herself and that hes not worth spending the money on. She has said on numerous occasions that it is her money and she will do what she wants with it. I just keep the clothes and document when he is sent in them and the next time we are in court over the child it will be brought up. In the mean time I buy new clothes for him to go to her house in and I leave it at that. Sure she will bitch about where the clothes she sent the child in are, but its not about her its about the child. So my advice to you is think of the kids and not her and buy them new clothes or send them in things that they already own that are clean, nice, not torn, and that fit them correctly. you are just wasteing you time trying to get someone who doesnt care to care. Im so glad im not alone in this world dealing with a nasty ex or BM.