worried because biomom is back after 2 years

Jessica - posted on 07/30/2009 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Background:

I met my (now) husband when my (now) SD was 5. We got closer for years and engaged after 5 years (she was 10 and very thrilled her dad "finally" proposed). We've been married for 2 and a half years. Shortly after we got married we finally managed to get SD living with us full-time. BM got married (almost 6 months exactly after us, to someone she's only known about 8 months) and moved to a different province. We were in court proceedings at the time so she gave us extended access to 'have a honeymoon' but we fought hard and showed the courts she'd actually moved not vacationed and ended up winning full-time care (not custody yet, still working on that). This happened under a child protection order that is still open (no concerns with us but they can't close it or legally it goes back to biomom having custody).

So, biomom has been living, with a half-brother that SD grew up with and is very close to, in another province for two years. SD (who is 14 any day now) only saw her twice in all this time - one week the first summer, and the march break that school year and not at all this year. BM's new marriage is now broken up so she's moving back to be near her parents and SD and all her old friends. SD is realy excited to see her brother regularly again, but is really worried about the pressure she's going to get to move back with biomom. She knows she's better off here and only denies it briefly if she's really ticked about something.



Of course, my husband and I are extremely worried about the fighting that will probably pick up where it left off. She used to make our lives hell and did everything to cut back access and make us angry so we wouldn't enjoy access or make SD feel like we didn't love her, the whole nine yards. Before she even got back she was trying to arrange sleepovers even though she's staying, with her son, at her parents, meaning no sleeping room, plus they regularly smoke (bm and her parents) and we have a smoking restriction placed on both parents because originally bm used my husbands smoking as a way to keep sd away from us. Anyhow, we said no to sleepovers and have that restriction in place for all of August but that doesn't mean things will necessarily be easy.



Basically, we're all on edge and worried and hoping that somehow she's changed since having the "shoe on the other foot" the last 2 years, but it's already looking unlikely that she's become an understanding individual.



I used to regularly visit this site and enjoyed support when the transition to our home was rough or SD was feeling abandonned by BM and I needed advice. But, thankfully I haven't needed any support the last year. Now, I think this is about to become my favourite late night activity again...

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Jessica - posted on 08/15/2009

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thanks for your support. She's seen BM a number of times now and we can tell BM is trying to annoy us but things are going fairly well between the two of them so far. On Thursday BM bought her a cellphone - strictly forbidden by us - and that really bugged us but instead of reacting as BM would have expected (taking away the phone and getting SD in trouble) we handled it really calmly and let her keep (with a lot of rules, but she was ok with them for the most part) and only got mildly upset with SD for not talking to us first. I think that means the plan backfired on BM but we'll wait to see.

Gwen - posted on 08/02/2009

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I'm new to the site and sadly I have no advice, but I can offer my support. we are going through a very similar situation except BM went to jail for 2.5 years. But before she left she also did pretty much what she could to ruin our relationship with DSD. DSD is now 10 (almost 11) and mom gets out in November. She said she isn't going to fight for custody but we had two nasty custody battles in the four years before she went to jail. Plus. DSD is having all sorts of behavior and loyalty issues to mom (I still don't know why she has these issues for a parent that was never around before jail - grandma raised her at mom's house - and then was really never around after going to jail, but she is the BM and I guess that is reason enough). So while I can't offer advice, I am right there with you and preparing myself for more bumps in the road ahead....

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