would like honest opinions and some advice

Sandy - posted on 11/17/2009

I'm sorry Victoria...I do not agree at all!! As a matter of fact I think that is very potentially harmful advice. This lady also has other children that are involved I am assuming that the small infant is from her now husband which would mean that parting ways also hurts so many more people than just her, her spouse and the step child. Its just simply not that black and white and why would she want to put her other children through a parental break up for that reason alone. I just strongly disagree with your advice...sorry

Victoria - posted on 11/04/2009

if you can not treat her as you do your own you,should part ways

Annette - posted on 11/03/2009

u might want to try and have some alone time with her.. she might feel left out ..

Katrena - posted on 11/02/2009

hi yes l also think that you have to let go of the feeling that you have for the BM ,as l feel this is maybe why you resent this little girl and not letting yourself get close to her , this little girl is the innocent one she will just want to be loved and treated the smae as the other children and she deserves that

Tamara - posted on 11/01/2009

well your not alone on that for sure I have been with my SD since birth and she is now 7 it is hard when they are not yours biologicaly even if you love them its another womens child with the man you love. Try and relax and tell yourself she is only 2 and she did'nt choose this life it was chosen for her if you can spend some one on one time with her it will come around if your willing to try your relationship with her is in your hands. It can be good

Betty - posted on 11/01/2009

Maybe you need to change how you feel about BM and realize that it's not her personality that's the problem, just her actions. My SD is so much like her mother it's not even funny but she is only 4 and I know that if we give her a happy life she will grow up to be a wonderful woman. I see a lot of potential in her because I choose to look past the negativity and allow myself to realize that many of her mother's traits can be used for good instead of evil.
Maybe you should make a list of what you like about your SD and another list of what you can do to show her how much you love her.
Have a creative mind and say yes as often as possible because it's very upsetting for a young child to have to process the word "no" several times a day. To a child "no" means "I don't care what you want".

Mariah - posted on 10/31/2009

First of all cut yourself a break, you're only human.



I have 3 sons, and one tries my patience more than the rest. He was a very difficult baby and it took forever for him to smile (he was a preemie, his twin developed faster). If I start to lose patience with him, I will go to the bathroom and take some deep breaths. I think then if it's something I really should lose my temper over or not, and if it is how should I deal with it? Most times I can come out and calmly deal with him, give him consequences, etc. Sometimes I lose it and yell, but I have 3 kids under 2 1/2 years of age, so well, I realize I'm going to lose it. I always make sure to hug/smile at/or pet their hair after I've yelled and apologize for losing control. I tell them it's okay to be mad or frustrated, but I shouldn't have yelled and I'm sorry for the I handled myself. Apologize for your actions, but not for your emotions or for the fact that you have to give consequences.



My SD is 9 1/2 and I have a real problem with her, but she's treated better and has no rules or consquences. Basically she does what she wants and runs the house, but that's a another story.



My point is, think about all the people in the world. Do you like them all, do some frustrate you more than others? Some types of personalities just clash with ours. Sometimes it happens with our own kids. I think you need to cut yourself some slack. You realize you have problems with her, that's a start. You're aware of it, and next time you catch yourself losing patience with her, take a deep breath. And tell your family to back off, the more they get on you about it the more resentments you'll have. People need to realize how hard being a stepmom is, they expect stepmoms to automatically love these children as much as and the same as their own kids. But did we all automatically fall in love with our SOs? Not for all of us, sometimes it takes love a long time to develop. Love isn't something we can just switch on like a lamp, I'm sure someday you and your SD will have a good relationship. She's young yet and at a frustrating age, as she grows you might find her less frustrating and more enjoyable. Good luck!

Shannon - posted on 10/31/2009

I have had the exact same problem. What has really helped me is now my husband will let me have one on one time with each of my step children where we go to the store or hang out in the back yard or even in the kitchen cooking. During this time he takes all other children out of my hair so I have time to just have getting to know the kids enjoy their insight on life and how their lives are even though there 7 and 8 now I've been working on this since they were 3 and 4. It's a long road but always a little better. pretty soon without you even knowing you'll treat her no diff. than your own. I think this is totally normal. hope this can help hang in there you can do it.

Sandy - posted on 10/30/2009

I struggle with this situation everyday...its very difficult for parents ...dads or moms to deal with each others past and put it aside. Especially when there are children involved that constantly remind us of other relationships our spouses have had or people we do not like. Do your best to look at her with objective and clear eyes. Its something we have to work at but it looks like to want to fix it which is half the battle. Good luck and don't be to hard on yourself. We are only human when you are working on dishing out patience remember some for yourself : )

Abby - posted on 10/29/2009

I so know how you feel, I have two step sons 3 and 5 and the older one seems to try my patience so much faster than the younger one. What I have found to help is to admit you are wrong as soon as it happens. You yell at her, you feel bad, tell her you feel bad. Tell her that you love her and you didn't mean to yell. I know she is only two but ask her to help you. Help you by being good, by hugging you when you get mad, by forgiving you. Kids have a huge power to love and if you let her love you and you love her back with words and actions you will soon start to see her for who she really is not for where she came from.

Good luck!!

Christie - posted on 10/28/2009

I too am a step mom of 3 and I too have 3 kids from another marriage and one of our own together. I have been your shoes and I think that if you take the time to get to know your stepdaughter and concentrate on her good traits it may help. You have a lot on your plate and maybe plan one day a month for a one on one date with each child. Do the thing they want and just play and be a kid yourself. I did that and it seemed to help me. Other then that you need to remember that she is just a child who didn't ask to be put in this situation.



Good luck and let me know if you want to chat

Christie from Iowa

Céline - posted on 10/28/2009

I think you have more of a grudge against the BM than the kid and it is the kid that is paying for it. I think that once you resolve your feelings about the BM...you will alleviate the anger from the child. It is not easy....god it;s not easy....but you seem to be aware of this situation therefore making it a step easier to do something about it.
Try to see why you dislike ( or cannot stand) the BM....get over it....and let the future embrace your life with YOUR family that includes ALL the kids. Once you get over your hang ups about the BM...your relationship will be ALOT better with the child. :)

Jessica - posted on 10/28/2009

How much time do you get to spend with her? We have sole custody of my SD, and she only goed to visit her BM every second weekend. Sometimes when she comes back, I have the same problem... She has picked up all of her BM's bad habits and attitudes. Usually within a day, she goes back to being herself. Perhaps try to spend a little more one-on-one time with her, so that you can start to recognize who SHE is, separate from what she has learned from her mom. The fact that you're willing to recognize a problem, and work to change it, proves that you really care about this little girl. Don't be so hard on yourself, just keep trying :)