YOUR NOT MY MOM!!!

Kimi - posted on 04/13/2009

Don't take it pesonally. All kids say this to step parents because it empowers them. When he says this kind of stuff to you just ignore it. My step daughter is three and I expect her to start useing the "your not my mom" line soon. Then I will just say "but I know whats best for you".

It's normal for boys in particular to never say sorry. But the upside of that is that they get over things quickly. Just give him a little space when he gets mad and when he needs you for someting he will act like everything's cool again. I have 7 younger brothers so I know how they operate. One of my brothers broke his friend's noze his friend punched him back and they continued to hang out and stay friends the next day without an ounce of remorse for what they did to eachother.

Christine - posted on 04/11/2009

I am also a step-mother to a 12 year old girl, we have custody of her but she sees her mother on most weekends, I belileve that your house your rules he/she must abide by them and also respect you, your husband should support you in this... Good Luck

Ashley - posted on 04/09/2009

You know... I'm reading all of ya'll's comments and suprised that I didn't have the same reaction the first (and only) time that I heard "You're not my mom". It was from my SS when he was about 10 years old (he's 13 now).

When he said it, I didn't feel a stab through my heart or anything like that. My response was "You're damn right I'm not your mom, because I don't put up with this kind of disrespect.". That was the end of that. But, I get total 100% backing from my husband and SS knows it. I haven't heard it since and doubt that I ever will. SS understands who butters his bread around here if you know what I mean.

Ashley - posted on 04/09/2009

You know... I'm reading all of ya'll's comments and suprised that I didn't have the same reaction the first (and only) time that I heard "You're not my mom". It was from my SS when he was about 10 years old (he's 13 now).

When he said it, I didn't feel a stab through my heart or anything like that. My response was "You're damn right I'm not your mom, because I don't put up with this kind of disrespect.". That was the end of that. But, I get total 100% backing from my husband and SS knows it. I haven't heard it since and doubt that I ever will. SS understands who butters his bread around here if you know what I mean.

Jennifer - posted on 04/08/2009

Im a step-mom to a 13 year old girl who has lived with us full time for 4 years now...I can feel your pain because I always tell my husband that is my worst fear to hear that! What most folks who arent in our shoes dont understand is how much you give as a stepmom and how you have to walk a fine line between punishment and compassion! I was in tears the night she turned 13 because i thought how am i going to do this? They want to test you at this age and push their boundaries...best thing i learned is to be patient and stand your ground! It is your home and you are the adult! God speed thru these teenage years for all of us! lol!!!!

Sara - posted on 04/08/2009

Hey Judi- I'm new to this site, and don't have much advice, but I can commiserate. My SD is only 5, and hasn't seen her BM in almost 3 years. I recently started getting that, "You're not my mom" for the first time. My hubby is pretty understanding towards both of us, but doesn't do much to help the situation. I sat down with her and basically said, " I did not give birth to you, but I am the mother figure in your life. You will respect me just like you do your father, and I will show you the same respect." I love her like my own, and I know that she loves me. At the same time, I'm only just now having to deal with the step-parent thing myself- My mom is in a relationship with a new guy, but it's a completely different dynamic. Anyway, I'm rambling, but my thought is to sit down with him and your hubby and tell them that you need to be respected, period. That you love him, and want him to be a happy successful person, and that's the reason you make the decisions for him that you do. Good luck mama!

Shennandoah - posted on 04/08/2009

I know what you mean by it cutting right through you! I had my SS when he was 4 and after a weekend visit with his BM tell me, " Get your own kids!" How can a 4 yr old come up with that on his own!? I was driving them to school and was trying so hard not to cry, but i just couldnt help it. It gets you right in the heart! Sorry you have to experience that.

Jennifer - posted on 04/07/2009

First get help from Hubbie you need him on your side, then lay down the law you may not be bio-mom but you are the "mom" of that household and you are in charge, last but not least no you may not be his birth mother but you love him and as he is a member of the household he has responsibilities to his family, My sugesstion is also to stick to your rules no matter what and DH needs to be consistant with you, also remember to have some good one on one time and do fun things to most pre teens will start to push away but they still need us they just don't like to admit it.

Judi - posted on 04/07/2009

Thank you for alll of your great advise. I have told him that he will have to do his own laundry because he is 13 and ungreatful that I do things for him that i think it is time for him to do his laundry and that i would teach him how to do it.  He has a counselor that I need to get him into to see.  His father does not want to disapline him to harsh because his BM has bipolar and borderline personality disorder and he thinks that his son might have some of these issues. Which is hard for me because I try to disapline the kids the same and treat them the same. I do have a 14year daughter who is mine and WOW what a difference between boy's & girls but at 12 going on 13 she gave me the all mighty I am independent and I do not need you..

So the good thing is that his counselor would like to meet with my husband & myself because she knows that my husband does not step up to the plate when it comes to disaplining his son. So hopefully that will work. Plus the other thing is that my husband did not come for a very structured house hold & basically had a hard up brining & being able to get away with everything from his mother. I however came from a structure household & I am trying to make this a structured household & he does not understand it & I am getting resistence from him about that.

I have told him that I am not your mom but i am the best and closest thing that you are going to get.  Somtimes I think that if I packed my bags today & left he would be like YEHA she is gone.  I am not sure what my husband has talked to him about if he has told him that that is not acceptable because my husband does not tell me & I feel like it is not something that i need to pry out of him what did you say to jimmy i feel that he should tell me without me asking and give me jimmy's response to the question.

Thanks again for your advise.

Judi

Sherri - posted on 04/03/2009

such a tough age - he's just expanding his boundaries and you're the safest person to do that with - because he knows you love him and will always love him no matter what!  Is he feeling sad/mad/upset about not having a relationship with his birth mom?  Perhaps he's struggling, hormones and everything can certainly make kids act out when their hurting.  My bio son started a hard path at 13 - what I didn't know until we did some counselling - was that he was hurting over the loss of my father (his grandfather and closes thing he had to a father).  At 16 he still hurts, but is able to deal better with it.

I like the other suggestions, and often I though about how I would respond if my step kids said that to me (yes I would be very hurt!).  Say to him, I may not be your biological mother but I love you the same as any mother loves a son - and I deserve some respect in return.  Be calm the whole time - if he knows it cuts he'll use it more often - he's a kid with the emotional maturity of a kid and does not have the maturity to see how his actions are hurting you.  Doesn't mean you don't have a right to say something about it.  Dont' worry about apologies - words like sorry are easy to say - its actions that are important - how he talks to you afterwards, if he listens for the rest of the day, or at least tries.

You husband has got to take the lead here - even with a biological son - the husband is the one to step up and say "do not speak to my wife like that" and then he needs to uphold the standard.  Had the same problem with my husband and his daughter - she would act like such a brat, he'd say nothing and get mad at me if I tried to intervene.  I went to his mother who (as a mexican you listen to your mother above anyone else) and she set him straight for me.  Is there anyone your husband would listen to?

take care

Jamie - posted on 04/03/2009

Most step kids do this at some point. They know it hurts and will get an emtional response from you. What you gotta do it keep cool and the best response is " No Im not your mom, but this is my house these are my rules and as long as you live here you will follow them." Cut and dry,  you also need to talk to hubby about backing you up. we also had this problem where dad was more lax with my SS, once I say him down and told him basically the same thing "we have rules they need to be followed" he got it and straightened up.  Im sorry he is making you feel bad, but remember he is still a child and does not know the true heartbreaking affect that one lil sentence has.

Jessica - posted on 04/03/2009

Unfortunately, a LOT of kids/step-parents go through this.... My response to him would be, "I know I'm not your mom, but I am a parent and an adult in this house who has been given permission to take care of you from your dad. Therefore, I CAN tell you what to can and can't do." Then your husband has to step in and make it very clear that disrespecting you is not acceptable, and there will be BIG consequences. If he sees that saying "You're not my mom" doesn't affect you, he'll probably stop saying it. He is just lashing out, and he knows that is the best button to push. If he keeps it up, I would sit him down (in a calm moment) and explain how much it hurts you, because you love him so much, and look at him like he is your son. If he STILL keeps it up, then the next time he asks you to do something for him, say drive him to a friends, say that you won't. Explain that he really hurt you, and that you do not do favors for people who treat you badly. If you want to get even more serious, tell him that he needs to start making his own lunch for school, and doing his own luandry. Explain that those are things that Mom's do, and since he is so adamant that you are not his mom, then you will not do them anymore. Good luck!