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Struggling to stay Sane

Oryx - posted on 05/17/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I desperately need advice, or encouragement or whatever you can give me... When I fell in love with my partner I fell in love with him. I never anticipated being in a 'relationship' with his ex as well. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through yet and I'm at my wits end. I don't know where to start. It's been almost 2 years, my partner and I are handfasted and have a 4 month old son and I couldn't be happier. For once, things are great in my life, except for this... intrusion in my life from the ex. He has twins with her and things did not work out. She was verbally and physically abusive to him, says she wishes the daughters weren't even born, cheated on him, cheated on who she was cheating on him with someone else, etc. She's fucking lovely...
She holds her composure very well in person, which is frustrating because what goes on behind that is insidious. Calls me a whore behind my back, to my partner. Talks about very personal things to do with the situation to mere acquaintances in this small town. Won't let my partner see his kids when there is a written agreement stating otherwise. She sometimes acts very civil to us in person and the next day, my partner will receive a bombardment of texts, about how he is a shitty parent, things we do wrong, threats about not letting him see them at all, etc...
I am sick of the bipolar behavior. The verbal abuse. I haven't tried to 'replace' her or one up her in mom-ship. I've been there as another role model type person in their lives but that is all. I tiptoe around her because the tiniest thing will flip her switch.
I wrote her a diplomatic letter the other day, after a particularly aggressive outburst at my partner. I thought... It's been way too long and my feelings haven't been made clear, so why not let them be known. I'm a big fan of truth. I hate this beating around the bush, tiptoeing, charade. Now she's threatening her sole custody again. I'm afraid I've ruined things for my partner by trying to be honest!
I just want her to know how badly her negativity affects the children, how I will not tolerate her speaking ill of my partner to me, (and right in front of him), and speaking about these things around town to anybody. I want us to work things out without the drama. There's no need! I don't know what to do... we can't live like this. I haven't slept for 3 days, I'm worried sick she'll try to pull some legal shit and she always gets her way. She is so so manipulative, and it feels like the reason she does these things is not for the best interest of the girls but so she can watch us writhe and squirm to meet her demands, put her in a position of power, so we can see the twins.

Help help help! I need words of wisdom!!

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4 Comments

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Jennifer - posted on 09/09/2012

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It's so hard to get custody away from mother like that, but once you do, she will never get it back. My husband's ex-wife was the same, sort of. She verbally and physically abused my husband, in front of the kids, she is an alcoholic, she's bipolar and manipulative. She's a nut case, and it effected the kids. Don't be afraid of her taking you back to court. Keep every single thing you can, you'll be able to use them. I, too, am always worried about what legal BS the ex-wife will do next. I, too, hate living on pins and needles,always wondering what's going to happen next. I wish we could all just move on and settle with an agreement once and for all, but with these crazy ex-wives, it seems to be impossible. I wish I had more encouraging advice for you... we've finally decided to move to a new county 3 hours away to get away from her. But, we have custody. You may be able to get the judge to force ex-wife into counseling, our family court judge finally forced that on not only my husband's ex-wife, but his ex's mother as well. Good luck to you! Message me if you ever want to talk!

Ashley - posted on 05/23/2012

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I'm with Louise, if your letter wasn't full of blatant insults at her, then you should have nothing to worry about. You can do nothing to control what she tells people around town, but you can correct them when confronted with it. You can certainly control what she says in front of the kids in terms of bad mouthing their daddy though! Notate EVERY encounter to have a "diary" of what's been going on. Date it, put witnesses on it if there were any, and definitely notate if the kids were around or not. It's in most divorce/custody decrees that one parent cannot bad mouth the other. I doubt step parents are included in that unfortunately. You guys should set some boundaries with her. If she sends a nasty text, completely ignore it. If she starts swearing while on the phone, warn her your going to hang up if she continues, and then follow through with it when she does. SAVE the voicemail she may leave you if she calls back! Save all those texts, emails, etc. RECORD the interactions your husband has with her, whether it be by telephone (most phones do it easily now days), or even in person (record it using your phone in your pocket). These could be life savers. They are admissible in court in Texas, I'm not sure about your state. Sometimes she's just going to be vial, but you can't give her the power to cause a problem between you and your husband. Remember that you two are a team. Keep interactions as short as humanly possible. Literally say your goodbyes to your kids in your car/house, and have them walk straight over to their mom to not drag stuff out. You don't even need to interact with her if there's no pertinent info to exchange. Plus, record all of those times that she withholds the children, that's certainly against the decree!

Louise - posted on 05/18/2012

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Keep every foul text you have. Go to court and get your access rights. She has to comply with court or she could lose custody of these children. If all your letter said was you do not want the bad mouthing and you want the best for the twins then you have nothing to worry about. If you have gone futher than that and told her what a shit parent she is or words to that affect then you may be in a spot of bother!

I personally would stand up to her, through the courts. She can say what she likes to whoever she likes, I really would not care. Get the law on your side then she can not use access to the children as her leverage. Your husband has done nothing wrong. Kick her arse into touch and come down heavy on her. Time to put your life in order and stop getting pushed around by a bitter woman who has nothing better to do!

Come on you are a strong woman, with a loving fella, you have nothing to lose but this massive milestone around your neck. Any lawyer will get you regular access, especially with these nasty tesxts you have. Go with the evidence you have and sort the cow out! Good luck!

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