19 year old stepdaughter that wants daddy to herself...what do I do????

Rita - posted on 09/05/2009 ( 9 moms have responded )

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I have been married for 3 yrs and have a step daughter that is now 19. Ever since I have been married she has spent every weekend with me and my husband and says even when she gets married she will continue to come stay the weekends with her dad. I work every other weekend and don't get time alone with my husband. Right now my step daughter comes usually Friday and stays until my husband goes back to work on Monday. I hate the fact that I have to spend every other weekend with her if I want to be with my husband and she gets every weekend with him. Lately she even has been not wanting her boyfriend to come down because she says she needs time alone but she has been with her dad. I found out through the grapevine that she has made the comment that she wants to move in with her dad and have him all to herself. I know it's because her dad spoils her and still treats her like a child and though she claims she has all these friends she really doesn't. Is it wrong for me to want her to only come down on my weekend to work so that I can have time alone or should I just get over it? Right now she has her Dad to herself when I work and then still has time with him when I'm off. I thought of just going my own way and do my own thing and let them have all the time with each other but I miss my husband. What can I do? Please help me.....
Also, should a 19 year old girl still be spending every other weekend with her dad or just coming and visiting for a little while and then going home? It's not like she is an under age child that needs to see her dad every weekend.

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Rita honest to god that man doesnt deserve you anyway you are better off without him. Sounds to me like they both have an unhealthy attachment

Kristy - posted on 01/21/2010

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Bless your heart honestly she probably has a un natural SEXUAL attachment to him, I have a 14 yr old SD who I honestly believe would have sex with her dad if he would. It has come down to me or her, my marriage is hanging on by a thread, and I am a peace loving, dont believe in the death penalty girl, BUT I HATE HER, shes a waste of air. And you are probably much better off. Its so nasty to be a grown woman who trys to compete for attention with a Man who married you. I will keep you in my thoughts,, and keep me in yours!

Rita - posted on 09/09/2009

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Hi Jamie,
Well I let my husband know that I wasn't happy with his daughter being with us every weekend and now he is gone. He left me. Isn't that something. Now his daughter told her boyfriend that all I should of done is to let her know when I wanted time alone and she would of let us alone. Yeah right. I think she is just saying that to make herself look good. Anyway that just shows me that he didn't really love me to start with. Sad but God will get me through

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Rose - posted on 05/03/2013

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I have similar situation my husband seems he needs to a father figure to his ex wife's child. I think she is 19 years old she should be hanging with her peers her own age but no she insist on calling my husband everyday and goes spends every weekend with him I think that is strange something wrong with this picture

Janina - posted on 12/09/2012

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I've been in a relationship up until 2 months ago with a man that has been broken up with his ex girlfriend of 13 years for almost 7 years now. He raised her two daughters which are not his since the girls were 2 and 3 years old. The biological father was absent. Now the mother, his ex has remarried since the breakup between my ex bf and her. Her daughters are very troubled. The oldest of the two has slept with her dad's new wife's daughter's husband and broke up their marriage. The dad disowned her for this. The mother kicked her out a few months ago due to her addiction to marijuana and told her she had to get a sponsor,work a program, and get sober with a job. She lived in her car for 3 weeks and then contacted my ex bf and asked if she could stay with us. We lived together until I kicked him out 2 mos. ago. He allowed her to come and stay with us, without asking me first and it is my house that we are living in. She came over and stayed with us. She is 21 years old. They stayed up in his room till 3 or 4 am with the door closed while I slept in my room down the hall. She kept leaving dirty dishes in my sink, cigarette butts outside and showing complete lack of regard and respect for me and my home. After they were both up till 3 am and she had once again left dirty dishes in the sink, I became angry and asked her to do her dishes now! He attacked me verbally and told me not to speak to her that way. At that point I lost it and kicked them both out due to their mutual lack of respect for me as a woman and for inappropriate behaviors and unhealthy boundaries. I don't think they would have sex,but I know she doesn't know boundaries and cares less about who she hurts and only how she can benefit from any person or situation. My ex thinks I'm wrong as he views this kid as his daughter, but she is not his blood nor has she had contact with him like a normal daughter would, but only when she needs something or is in trouble is the only time he hears from her. I've never felt so disrespected and violated in my own home. Am I right in feeling this way or am I letting my mind run away from me? On top of all of this he is an alcoholic who got a dui on my bday this year,has been physically,verbally and emotionally abusive to me also. He went to 2 counseling sessions after the abuse and then starting bringing up my dead father and calling him a narcissist. Which has nothing to do with us or his abuse? Why does it still hurt me so bad even after I've ended it with him and why do I feel so guilty,alone and lonely. His family who formerly loved me, now has no contact with me either. They believe him when he says I provoked him or that I was dramatic and don't want to believe he's an abusive alcoholic and treated me with such disrespect for so long till I finally snapped.

Lorraine

Brandy - posted on 12/18/2009

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i have a 13 yearold boy that is the same way we have been together for 10 years and it is not getting better. his mon comes every 6 to 9 mo. to get him that is about the only time i get with my hubby. The 13 year old is worse then my 4 and 2 year old he has told me that he wants us out. i told him to spit in one hand and put his wants in the other and see what one fill up. THE FATHERS DO NOT SEE WHAT IS GOING ON. they never will so i just go with the day it might be a good one or a bad one with the stepkid.

Jamie - posted on 09/06/2009

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Rita,

If your not happy you need to let him know, there is no reason for you to be miserable for the rest of your life because of his daughter. First off he needs to cut off the umbilical cord because she's 19, she survived, she's not dead and its been 19 years. Its not like she's still in an incubator and may not survive, shes a healthy 19 yr old girl. I think that next time, someone says something to you about her being premature, you should nicely say something about the fact that yes, she was a premature baby and although that was sad, she survived and is now a happy healthy 19 year old WOMEN!

As far as the camping, I would definatly ask your husband if you and him can have a date night, start out with once a month. Tell him that its just one night a month that you would like to spend time with him, go to a movie, dinner, etc. He has to understand that you to have feelings and you need some love too!

As far as his chest pains, I don't know your exact situation, but I believe its a way of getting out of talking about something he doesn't want to talk about. If he is still having chest pains he either needs to go back to a cardiologist or get on some xanax.

Well if she is moving in with you, I think that you need to let them both now that you live there too! and that you are going to have some rules of the house that need to be followed.

I think that your husband and you just need to talk, quit being so paranoid about his chest hurting, and if he starts that you should say well then I guess we should call the dr. tomorrow that's not good. I just really think its weird that she is so attached to her dad, most girls at her age are out doing stuff that they aren't suppose to be doing, like going to parties and stuff!

I hope that everything works out, Just try to sound really nice about everything and try not to sound like your complaining. If you think it out you can randomly bring it up at dinner or something. Thats what i usually do. Like randomly say...ya know I was thinking since I work everyother weekend it would be nice if we started to have a date night one or two saturdays a month. what do you think? and see his response.

Rita - posted on 09/06/2009

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Thank you Jamie,

The reason she comes down supposedly is because she can't stand her stepfather but mostly she says is because she misses her (daddy). And yes she does stay up his butt the whole time.!!! They go camping every weekend and I use to go but got tired of having her up my butt and not having alone time with my husband. She doesn't even want her boyfriend around lately because she tells him that she wants her space. That's usually when he doesn't have any money left to spend on her. What you don't know is that she is 19 going on 10 because she has been so spoiled all her life. She was premature and almost died ...so now that's all I hear. I have fought,begged and pleaded with my husband to not have her every weekend and now I am tired. I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to give me the time away from his daughter. I would always feel that he was only doing it because I made him. I just found out that his daughter made a comment that she wanted to live with her dad and have him all to herself. So now she is getting what she wants....The last time that she couldn't come down for the weekend she actually cried. What do I do???? By the way my husband had triple by pass surgery last year and stress always seems to bring on chest pains. So I try not to stress him too much but I'm at the end of my ropes. I don't think I want to live the rest of my life dealing with his daughter and bipolar son....

Jamie - posted on 09/05/2009

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ok, I dont really know how to say this but that is strange...what exactly are they doing when they are spending time together? Is her dad taking her shopping and spending a ton of money on her? Is there a reason that she doesn't want to be at her mothers and at 19 years old I believe she should be out with her boyfriend and friends. I had a friend that we went to her dads every other weekend when we were like 16 and that was because he let us do whatever we wanted, and cooked breakfast for us and let us stay out all night. So it wasn't really like we were spending time with her dad there was a group of us that just slept there all weekend. If I were you I would just tell your husband that you would like to have spend a weekend by yourself with him. You can even go above and beyond and plan a trip for one of the weekends and go away with out the daughter the whole weekend. My boyfriend has a 5 year old and we have our own daughter, and I basically said to him that it was too much for me to have her every weekend and he had to go back to every other weekend. He really didn't have a choice. Have you said something to your husband about this yet? and if you did what was his response? If he is using the "but she's my daughter" excuse, then you need to say yes but I am your wife, and I need to spend time with you alone. I think I need more information on why she is there and what they are doing all weekend every weekend that she doesn't seem to want to leave the house. If she is going out all night and just sleeping there its a different story, but if she is up his butt all weekend every weekend that its sickening then thats a completely different story.



But I basically suggest that you sit your husband down and tell him you would like every other weekend to be your alone time with him because you dont get to spend time with him during the week. Your not saying that his daughter can't come over or isn't welcome at the house, but you would like to at least have a "date night" where you two can go out and be alone, she's 19 yrs old, its not like you can't leave her at home by herself. It might be easier to start out with a date night, So he doesn't get defensive about the whole situation. Good luck.

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