does anyone have any problems with their husbands ex?

Kathy - posted on 03/27/2012

well it sounds like a lot of us are in the same boat! my stepson lives with me only sees his birth mom every other wknd and everythin used to be fine till he wud come home from her house then he hated me said very hurtful things to me his ma used to tell him its my fault her an my husband arent together anymore etc... they were split up a couple yrs b4 i ever showed up and well you just gotta keep on bein nice to the kids keep showin them love i no thets very hard to do when they say hurtfull things to u doesnt help that there not ur own either and well it took my stepson over a year b4 he finally understood everthing and we have a great relationship now we say i love you to each other and everythin.so hang in there hopefully she will understand soon that you are a good person and realize how much u do for her we are good mothers and i dont think the birth moms realize how much we do for there kids they just see us as the enemy

Cristina - posted on 03/26/2012

What does your husband think about all of this? Is he aware of any/all of it? Are you able to discuss these issues with him?

Maree - posted on 01/05/2012

Jill i am in a similar situation...i feel for you and many of the others who commented as well.
I just wish that when i posted that i was struggling with the ex,step child etc...that i got the support that you have on here..

Unfortunately all i got was how wrong i am to feel the way i feel about the situation and every word i wrote was picked apart to the point i "waffled"...then i got comments on how i was waffling !!!

I won't be posting on here asking for advice or support anymore because clearly i won't get it.

Good luck,i hope the ex gives up on her plan to sabotage you and you husbands relationship...and apparently her own daughters happiness....what a selfish bitch !!!

User - posted on 01/03/2012

I just read I Hate His/Her Ex by Alex Cooper. You can get it on Amazon or other bookstores. It helped me to deal with so many issues that I had with my fiance’s ex - who I really hated!! Now, my relationship is perfect :) xxx

Anna - posted on 06/14/2010

try sitting down with your step daughter AND your hubby, that way when the ex phones your hubby ranting and raving about your little talk he'll know shes lieing and can tell her he listened to it all.
make sure your sat opposite her and your hubby is sat beside her, that way she wont feel ganged up on.

Dawn - posted on 05/13/2010

Well i met my fiance 4 years ago we have 2 kids together and each of us has kids from another relationship, my daughter lives with us full time(as her bf can go sit on a tack) but my step son is only out with us every 2 weeks and and thats a court order but according to his mom, it's up to her!!
We've had ALL kinds of drama from her! I started out getting along with her but the moment i mentioned the court order stating he was to be out every 2nd weekend well suddenly i was this evil b*tch, and i was beinf "mean" and everything else she could imagine and yes she does the whole brainwashing, but i treat him like my others....he has choresWhich according to her is wrong no child should have to do anything), he gets an allowance. I take him with me if his dad is busy.

She tried at one point telling him he doesn't have to listen to me and that he should just ignore me.....he told his dad this one night i overheard, i felt bad for over hearing it b/c he was talking in private to his dad but i walked into the livingroom and his bedroom door wasn't closed....i heard that and froze and teared up....i didn't know what to do....but i lisented to what my fiance had to say and was very impressed with the way he handled it...he asked him "how do you feel about that?" my ss just said i don't know....so my fiance told him "dawn loves you very much and wants you to feel like you are part of the family b/c u are, and we both want you to know it's ok to be mad at us and it's ok to not agree with everything, but i do expect you to have respect for dawn" .....i walked into the bathroom i was BALLING.....but after that i had less problems i'll say, becuase he is a 10 almost 11 year old boy who lives with a very loud, vulgar, evil woman, but he's coming around.....i don't know if i'm helping any....but i understand....and i can say it doesn't help when my mother in law gets int he mix...now thats just as frustrating bc when i first met my fiance she was friends with his ex, and for some reason in her his ex could do no wrong and she blamed me for alot of stuff which i found funny bc i met my fiancee when my step son was 6 so i had nothing to do with anything b4 then...but thats yeah, just a weird and annoying situation...

I don't know if this became more of a rant for me or what...lol...but i hope i said something that made sense....and yes as it has been stated kids are smart they figure it out eventually...

Anna - posted on 04/20/2010

@nancy stewart- you took the words right out of my mouth. i love my SD but the baggage that comes with her (BM and family) is unbearable. many a time i have said to my hubby leave her (SD) alone and see her when shes older. just to save our relationship. i feel very crap for saying it because SD is only 9yrs old.

Virginia - posted on 04/19/2010

I would not respond to them, you can't change them, the only thing you can control is the way you respond. Being a step-mom is very painful. My husband's ex is very expressive too. What is happening to you is a lot like what we went through the first year of marriage. It took us a year to see that what we were doing was not working. I would say something to his daughter or son and they would call mom and mom would call dad yelling. I was constantly on edge because it was never told exactly like it happened. I learned that no matter what I did they were going to do this. I never could figure out why they did that. I just kept getting my feelings hurt. This was causing my marriage a lot of problems so I decided to focus on my marriage. The way I did that was to start letting him handle just about everything when it came to his kids. When the daughter was living with us it was hard to do. It is your house and you can do whatever you want but if you want to calm some of the yelling down, let the kids go to him. I was there when they needed me but I let him be the big picture. When they have a question about anything that needs parental decision on, just ask them to call or go to Dad. They will get used to it after a while. When I did this, I quit being their punching bag. You can probably help the kids more than you realize from the background with Dad, maybe they will take it better coming from Dad. You will have to try different stuff before you get what works for your family but this works for us. Now we have a different relationship, we are more friends but it has taken about 5 years to get there.

Breanna - posted on 03/29/2010

Missi--Both excellent books! Those are the two I would recommend to every stepmom.

The problem with being a stepmom is that the role in itself is born out of some kind of loss. You only get to be a stepmom because the bio mom has died, abandoned, or divorced their bio dad. So no matter what, the kids are grieving some kind of loss, and there you are in the middle of it.

We have my stepson 5 nights a week, so I care for him more than his bio mom does. I followed the advice of my therapist and let me and him define our relationship in our own special way. He calls me Bree, and I wish he would call me Mom, but I am trying to be content with knowing that I am a better mother than she is even if I don't get the title. He appears confused and conflicted about it sometimes. He wishes his parents weren't divorced because he hates going back and forth between them, but he also loves me, too. He has commented that he wishes Daddy could have two wives and we all live in the same house together. (I try not to faint at the thought.)

I feel sad for him and I also feel angry much of the time because his bio mom makes it more difficult than it needs to be. It is very apparent that alot of what she tells him is for her own selfish reasons and to make her feel less insecure as a parent. Like what many people above have said, whatever you do, don't say bad things about their bio mom. It makes things ten times worse for them. He will figure it out in due time. In the meantime, my husband makes it a point to tell him the truth about actual inaccurate things she says (like the sky is purple) but we answer other comments with active listening and mild responses, like "Huh! She said that? What do you think about that?" and "We all love you and want you to be safe. Sometimes adults disagree, and that's okay, but in the end we all want you to be safe." The mommy question has to be answered alot. "Bree didn't give birth to you, but she loves you and takes care of you, so she's your mom too. So you have two mommies--one for each house. You're very lucky." Sometimes he's not so convinced, but I have heard him insisting to his cousin that I am his mother. It always gives me warm fuzzies inside.

Missi - posted on 02/19/2010

I have the same issues except it is the bio-mom and bio-maternal grandma. It is a tough situation, because you try to be the adult and not say anything bad about them to the child. I know that over time and with a lot of counseling my step-daughter has come to see that they are not very nice people. While she still feels like she has to listen to them she comes home and we have a family talk about her weekend spent there. Her dad and I say things like "that wasn't a very nice comment" or " that's their problem". It has helped for her to see that we are not thinking twice about what they have said and so it shouldn't bother her either because we know the truth and that's what matters. I read many books on the topic however there is one called a 'Single Girls Guide To Marrying a Man, his Kids and His Ex', that helped a lot. Also 'Joint Custody with a Jerk' helped me to understand how to deal with situations like these. All I can say is good luck and it's nice to know I'm not alone!

Kirsty - posted on 01/12/2010

Totally understand how you feel, I have issues with my fiance's ex as well. She complained that she never sees the kids, emails them or speaks to them on the phone. She told us through a lawyer she would call every Wed and Sun since 23rd Dec - she hasn't called once. Is that our fault? She hasn't responded to her eldest daughters emails now for 1 1/2 months, is that our fault? She hasn't bothered coming to see the kids, or calling even to say she's not coming on her scheduled visitation days, is that our fault? So sick of explaining to the kids that yet again she's let them down.

Lori - posted on 11/19/2009

There is so much relief knowing I am not alone in this situation. I have only been a stepmom for 10 months and I am still finding it is hard. And nobody understands why it is hard. These girls are so sweet and loving...and while they are, they have no real rules at their mother's. With joint custody, trying to keep up with the rules is so hard. When we get them on Fridays, it is so exhausting wrangling them. On Fridays EVERYBODY goes to bed by 9 pm, it so bad. And by the following firday, just when you get them where you want them, it is time to go back.

With my situation, the bm lives with her parents and adopted sister/ cousin.The cousin for the last 2 years has been taking care of my husband's 3 girls. So she is the one who dressed them, gives them medicine, feeds them...etc.And naturally she has become a bitter angry girl. She has started dressing the 2 1/2 yr old in clothes that fit her 5 and 7 yr old sisters. This last Friday the 7 yr old was wearing a size 10/12 shirt and 4T pants. And the mother doesn't seem to care. She tells the girls that I am the reason daddy left her and makes up all kinds of lies. She told my now husband that she talked to one of my ex-boyfriends and he told her that I gave him AIDS and that my husband he needed to get himself checked out. I was so beyond angry when he told me what she said (and he most certainly didn't believe what she said!). That is the kind of crap I have to deal with. My 7 yr old step-daughter has told me on numerous occasions that her mommy has called me a bad word to her. I won't let her tell what it is because I already know...but in the divorce papers (that she signed), she is not allowed to talk disparagingly about us. But that doesn't stop her...We never talk bad about her around the kids. And when the 7 year old asks questions about why her mommy says this stuff, we answer as honestly as we can, telling her the truth and she is figuring out that her mommy isn't as nice as she thought.

It is just frustrating because no one I know can understand what I am going through. While I am a step-child myself, my parents divorced when I was 22 and I will be 28 next month. (My 7 year old sd feels closer to me because I have gone through something similar.) My family tells me to go easy on discipling these girls. But how far to I let them go without losing all respect and any kind of authority my in-laws expect of me???

And my husband is wonderful. When we got married in January, I was 9 months pregnant. He didn't expect he to deal with preterm contractions, then a newborn and having to deal with 3 little girls straight off. And now the girls are spending 6 out of the 7 days with us at our house, happy and content. The 2 1/2 yr old has some separation issues from the grandmother (of whom she has basically been raised by) but it is getting better. My mother-in-law has been amazingly patient with me as well. I am thankful for my husband and his mother. (How often is that said. :) )

I am glad to read that I am not alone is dealing with a crazy, evil ex.

Carole - posted on 09/22/2009

Hiya Jill I hear what you are saying, I'm haveing the same problem.. But she starting trouble with me, She has been telling my hubby that I have been sleeping with HER DAD,

Rebecca - posted on 09/11/2009

I so agree. I've been with my husband now for three years and it still does not stop. his ex does not show up for visitation then "wants to see her babies more" She makes huge scenes and prmoises to the kids and does not show up and somehow wants to blame us that the kids are upset and dissapointed with her. and of course i'm the devil incarnit and my husband even worse.....

Amber - posted on 09/03/2009

Oh my goodness there's not enough room on the internet for me to list the problems we've had......

Arifah A - posted on 08/13/2009

Honey... who doesn't!

Aislinn - posted on 05/13/2009

Hi Jill, I was a Step Child, and I am now a Step Mum.. All I can say is DON'T EVER stoop to her level.. don't ever say a bad word about their bio-mum... As a young girl, when my parents seperated, my dad would say some hurtful things about my mum (which I believed) but once I got older, I realised & understood what they both went through. It clearly stood out to me that my mum had NEVER said a bad word about my dad or my step mum. Which in the end, made me realise my Mum was a much better parent. When I had the legal choice of who to live with, you can guess I chose my mum.

I am taking my own advice these days with my two step sons, and although their mum has some issues with me being the new partner of her ex, we actually get a long quite well.

Rebecca - posted on 03/29/2009

Wow very crazy i'm step mom to my husbands four kids  i have on from previous marrage and we are now having a baby in July   so with 6 kids in the house and two ex's to deal with its crazy all the time ... my ex is usally pretty good we work on everyhting that comes up.  However his ex is holly nightmare she lives in same city does not show up for her visitation and blames us for her not seeing the kids.  she has also called me names and talked trash to the kids.    I have found with mine is that we sit down and talk about everything (even when i really don't want to hear the stuff mom is saying)   i have also taught the kids that when you are ugly to someone that gives them the right to be ugly back.   However i hate being like that..  i explained to them on there leavl that their mom does not know me she is saying the hurtful things thring to hurt me their dad and them thru those words.   Think about when you are in school and they talk about you did you like it???    I have been mom for almost 3 years and at first it was hard but i'm straight with the kids.  When they say "mom says"  i try everything i have to prove to the children what the correct answer is even if i have to search the internet for answeres  as i don't want it to become a well dad say and mom say no this is the law... this is the court order this is the email we got from mom.     They know when they come to me i will tell them the truth and back it up... and yes that means even when i'm wrong on their mother is right.....  they know i don't hide anything and they respect me alot more for that.    anyway thats my two cents   good luck    some days are way more easier then others.

Rebecca - posted on 03/29/2009

Wow very crazy i'm step mom to my husbands four kids  i have on from previous marrage and we are now having a baby in July   so with 6 kids in the house and two ex's to deal with its crazy all the time ... my ex is usally pretty good we work on everyhting that comes up.  However his ex is holly nightmare she lives in same city does not show up for her visitation and blames us for her not seeing the kids.  she has also called me names and talked trash to the kids.    I have found with mine is that we sit down and talk about everything (even when i really don't want to hear the stuff mom is saying)   i have also taught the kids that when you are ugly to someone that gives them the right to be ugly back.   However i hate being like that..  i explained to them on there leavl that their mom does not know me she is saying the hurtful things thring to hurt me their dad and them thru those words.   Think about when you are in school and they talk about you did you like it???    I have been mom for almost 3 years and at first it was hard but i'm straight with the kids.  When they say "mom says"  i try everything i have to prove to the children what the correct answer is even if i have to search the internet for answeres  as i don't want it to become a well dad say and mom say no this is the law... this is the court order this is the email we got from mom.     They know when they come to me i will tell them the truth and back it up... and yes that means even when i'm wrong on their mother is right.....  they know i don't hide anything and they respect me alot more for that.    anyway thats my two cents   good luck    some days are way more easier then others.

Francesca - posted on 03/28/2009

we do also have kept all texts and emails, i think she has a problem, i really do!!! but im sure her husband winds her up the wrong way as he has a daughter who he's tried fightin 4.its like they live 4 trouble

Sara - posted on 03/28/2009

I think the 2 of you need to start keeping record of the stunts she pulls and then take her to court.

Francesca - posted on 03/28/2009

I just feel sorry 4 the kids, cos there the 1's who r sufferin at the end of the day. I have 2 step sons, and they mean the world 2 me. Their  bio mum is a proper nightmare!!! now after nearly 3 yrs shes as bad as ever, will it ever end?? proberly not!!! at the moment she is stoppin the boys seein my husband extra in the hols, says she will not change her so called strict routine for him. its killin him inside, but we have 2 let her get on wiv it as we've tried everything. i feel shes still in love wiv my husband( shes married and has a baby on the way) she slapped me last yr in front of the boys and has also told social services that my husband has done bad things 2 the boys, how can a mother say such evil things, wen something like that really is happenin  in the world!!! of course they found out that he hadn't.

i just dont know wat 2 do now. x

Di - posted on 03/13/2009

O my bro in law got off lightly compared to some of the things that have come out of this girls mouth. I have to back up and say its not her, its her mother. My husband has been told by a professional person who deals with this stuff all the time that his daughter needs help . He also told the mother the same thing. But unfortunately he also said at the time that its stuff that needs to be dealt with prior to me.....(ha ha, see not my fault was what I thought at the time) so therefore the bm wasn't interested because then she would have to look at how she has screwed with her daughters head. Looks like if the child turns out alright it was the great mothering she got, if she turns out bad, then its the evil stepmother that caused it. After all how can a bm that is perfect turn out a child that isn't perfect, unless the evil stepmother had something to do with it...? Yes, it gets me down sometimes, and I am very sarcastic about it.

Sara - posted on 03/13/2009

Di, that woman has no business saying what she said about your brother in law. Your sd is probably going to need a lot of therapy if she hasn't snapped out of it yet. My friend's sd and my cousin have both been brainwashed by their bms. I never see my cousin anymore because her mom convinced her that when she was younger, her dad molested her. I just don't understand. What people in our situation have told me over and over again is that we only have power over our own actions...which sucks. As close as I am with the boys, they get slightly offended if I say something anywhere close to "well, your mommy made a mistake when she said that", but like I said before, I don't badmouth her. Has your husband tried speaking to her or tried to get her to speak to a third party about what is going on?

Di - posted on 03/13/2009

Wow Sara, you and I have lots in common. It's a raw deal isn't it. The bm's can say what they like about us, but if we say anything at all about the bm's... well. My sd still cant see through her mothers lies and false accusations and she is 15. The bm comes out with great pronouncements that you could drive a truck thru and when I make comment such as do you really think thats true, I get no answer. I don't want the child to go against her mother but I wish at 15 she would reason wether her mothers statements are real or not. My husband's brother is a priest and this woman even told her daughter that ALL priests were paedophiles. Fancy saying something like that to the niece of a priest. I just wish she (the bm) would wake up to herself and see what she is doing to her child.

Sara - posted on 03/13/2009

Wow, and I thought I was the only one dealing with a man who has the ex-wife from Hell. She's evil, lies, plays favorites AND loves to twist the truth. Like someone else mentioned earlier, kids are much smarter than we give them credit for sometimes. We realized in the beginning that my older stepson who is now 7, had his loyalties towards his mother. This was partially do to the fact that she and her family openly favored him over his younger brother. She also happens to be one of those people who think kids don't hear you speak when you don't want them to hear you. As much as I despise this woman, I have never said anything nasty about her to or around the kids. From what I have gathered about her and probably your husband's ex is that they are convinced that they should be the only woman in the child's life, no matter what. My stepsons' mom ditched them and their father when the older one was 2 and the younger one was about 6 months. She would see them on average 2-4 times a month and the only reason she sees the kids at all now is because the custody agreement says she gets them 4 days a week and does not want to lose her child support. Basically, if she wasn't getting paid to see her kids, she wouldn't be. Even with that, she constantly says negative things about me to and in front of the kids. How do I deal with this? Like I said before, I never have anything negative to say about her when the kids are around. They have both taken notice in that. The kids do not see her as smart or a hero or a good person when she is the only one between the 3 of us (her, their father and myself), that ever has anything nasty to say. Our 7 year old actually asked her quite recently why she feels the need to show me in such a light. I guess, the short version of what I'm trying to say is, every child has their own time table, and unless they don't have a head, they know who is there for them and they are very quick to see who is lying to them. Sometimes they will act out in ways such as distancing themselves. It has nothing to do with you. Kids get very hurt and confused just like we do and the worst part is we can't always be there to protect them. I asked my older stepson once, why is it when we were first starting to get to know each other, he almost never spoke to me or came to me for anything and he said "I liked you, but I was just trying to get to know you".

Kids have their own way of figuring things out. Be patient. Everything will be fine. For the last year, when my younger one draws family pictures, he omits his mom and draws me in instead.

Angela - posted on 03/12/2009

I am getting married this Tuesday to a wonderful man with a not so wonderful ex-wife. She cheated on him and then took his son from him just cause she was angry. She is married now and has all of a sudden becomes a born again Chrisitian. I love my God but I dont make people feel bad for their mistakes. She sent pic of her breasts to him and then tells him that hes sorry as a person. She treats him bad still and it makes me so angry. I treat her nice because their is a child involved.

Di - posted on 03/09/2009

Well ladies, the question shouldn't be does anyone else have problems with their husbands ex, it should be 'who hasn't had problems with their husbands ex'. What I love about this is that we all know what each other is going through and unless women have they don't really know how terribly heartbreaking it can be. What a godsend these sites are because for a long time it seems like there was something wrong with me because everyone else thought it should be so easy to cope because they are just wonderful girls. I really don't know any other women who are stepmums but ironically I know heaps who are bm's. Go figure. So finding other stepmums and hearing similar stories to me, helps me know that I am not alone in what I am feeling and that my feelings are quite normal and I am not a nutcase at all.

Melanie - posted on 02/23/2009

The only thing we can all be sure of  when parents don't get along, (whether biological or step parents) the children suffer.  Step parentsdon't get the credit they deserve from the spouses ex.  I've been a step mom for 15 years and even though my kids are now grown, there is still drama, but it is how we handle it that makes all the difference for the children.  My tongue is very scared from bitting it so much over the years.  Its a wonder if I haven't chewed it off.

Jennifer - posted on 02/11/2009

Dear Dawn,

The funny thing is that all of us have gone through stuff whether they be minor or major. We can all relate and help each other through every situation. So, anytime that I can help. I am more than happy to. :-)

-Jennifer

Dawn - posted on 02/10/2009

Dear Jennifer, I would like to thank you for your reply,I don't have anyone to talk to about my situation so Iam very glad that I found this site it's great to know that I am not the only one going through these difficult times .

Jennifer - posted on 02/10/2009

Dear Dawn,

  I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time. In a previous post, I have conveyed some thoughts about this particular situation. I'm sorry that your step son is becoming very distant. Unfortunately, that is the age too. He's in his teens and typically at that age, they don't want any of their parent's. So, I'm sure you aren't just getting the brunt of it. I'm sure she is getting a handful herself. My step son is 7 and trust me it's hard. All he has known is his absent mother. My husband separated from her after their 3rd year of marriage. So, for the first 3 years of my step son's life, it was just her. Now it's us as a blended family. It's hard for me sometimes to know that he will always love her more than me and that he will always give her more respect than me because I am not his mother. The only thing that I can do as a mother and a parent is just be the best parent that I can. I show him I love him all the time and am there for him on a constant basis. I know that she could never hold a candle to what I do on a day to day basis. So, I know how you feel. Keep your head up.

-Jennifer

Dawn - posted on 02/10/2009

I have a step son he is 13teen the result of a one night stand three months before our wedding my husband and I have two sons the oldest is 2 months younger than my step son and than we have a 7 year old. I find myself wishing away my life so I don't have to deal with her any more and I hate myself for that because I know it's not just my life it's my boys as well.My step son and I where realy closes but the older he get the more distines we put bettween us. I don't know why?His mom seems to think that we o her and I think that I have never said anything to her about what happend 13 years ago so I don't o her anything.My husband is a great Dad but it's all about the money to her. My husband just started a new job and know she has taken us back to court for more money.

Dawn - posted on 02/10/2009

OMG!!! I thought it would get better as they get older. Does it ever stop?

Cassie - posted on 01/29/2009

I mentioned this in a different post but I'll say it here as well.  I am a step daughter and a step mother.  With what my mom put (and still tries to put) my dad and step mom through I said that I would NEVER be a step mom.  You know what they say... never say never.  I know for fact that kids are smarter then you think when I was about 12 I asked my mom to "love me more then she hated them".  She still calls that the day she literally almost killed me.  I was right though.  It is unfortunate that some people are so bitter and vindictive that they will use and hurt their kids to get at their ex.  All I can say is be the bigger person.  I have told all of my kids (including steps) that I can only do my best.  I may have rules they don't like or boundrys they think are unreasonable but that is because I love them so much and it is my (& dad's) job as a parent to be thinking waaaaaay ahead to things kids should never have to worry about to make sure that they can have the best life possible.  I don't comment on what mom does but my now 16 yr old came to me about 4 yrs ago and ask why his mom doesn't have these boundaries.  I said I didn't know and asked what he thought and he said he thought it was because she didn't think waaaaaay ahead about them.  I asked how he felt about it and he said "sad, but happy I have you so I know someone is doing it".  Obviously this is ideal and sometimes are harder then others.  It is harder with the step daughters but they are coming around as well.  Just keep pointing out that you love them and want the best for them.  They will see that you are fair with them and your bio child and will realize in time that mom's just off of her rocker.  If you can get closer to the mom this helps but a lot of times it makes things worse.  You have to be the judge of that one.

Nancy - posted on 01/21/2009

I have two step daugthers ,one is 23,now the other is 18, The ex wife will not leave me alone .She  has called me names ,has put the both of us down, The best thing I have found ,is to keep her close to you ,no matter what..sooner or later she will stop calling you names and putting you down,,  as for the kids ,they will do what ever they feel,, never again will I ever ,have steps kids .The old est one .Has put me and her father straight throw hell and back ,and is still doing it ,,the 18 year old is just starting to put us both throw hell ,I wish they would just go back out west and we never hear from them again

Jill - posted on 01/09/2009

Hi Jennifer!!

I love your point about kids are usually smarter than the adults!!  Well, I guess we could start our own little club here!! lol - I try to keep a good sense of humour about it all but boy oh boy can it be frustrating (to put it mildly).  The bottom line is we just have to keep doing what we are doing and it will work itslef out in the end!!  Thanks for the support!  Good luck to you!

PS - i know it must be a pain to have to deal with her but if she lived close it could be even harder - who really knows - just be proud of yourself for what you are doing and good luck with the "baby business" you will LOVE it!

Jennifer - posted on 01/09/2009

Dear Jill,

     I completely understand how you feel. I met my husband 4 years after his separation with his ex. Through our relationship, he had finally acquired his divorce. She was very caniving in court and tried to play the "owe woe is me" crap. Basically, 3 weeks after the divorce was finalised, my husband and I married. His ex and him have a beautiful 7 year old son. She has a son from a previous one night stand. It's very difficult. Thankfully, from what I know of she doesn't talk crap about me. But she has no rules in her house, no boundaries for the kids, and for the most part when my step son is out in FL with her, she's never there because she works and goes to school. As much as I commend her for going back to school and trying to get her crap together, she is also neglecting both her children without realizing it. My husband and I have rules, regulations, boundaries, and stability which is why we have custody of my step son. My husband and I have not expanded on our family as of yet, but are planning to within the next year.  I keep trying to be the bigger person. I call her when I need a phone # or address for a card or picture of my step son. My husband is military and is getting ready to leave for Tech school again to obtain a new career field, so unfortunately I have to deal with her. Sometimes I think that if we lived closer it would be easier, but I know that it wouldn't because she wants custody of my step son and if we were closer it would just suck as much as it does now. So, I'm ranting. As far as your situation, just know that you and your husband have standards and are putting the kids first. It's you guy's house. If she chooses to run her mouth about the things that she doesn't understand or is jealous of, then that is her own problem. All you can keep telling your step daughter is that you love her and will always be there for her. She'll come around. Kids are quite smart and can be typically smarter than the adults. So, she'll figure it out that what her mother is talking about is just a load of bologna. So, keep your head up. You definitely are not the only one who deals with shady ex's. Hope this was helpful.

Jill - posted on 01/06/2009

you know what?  it IS helpful because like you said I know I am not alone.  I agree with you we do stick to our rules and I know we are good people (it is hard though because at her Mom's she can do anything she wants, eat whatever she wants, watches movies everynight in bed, watches shows like Big Brother (she is 9!) and we think all of that is inappropriate..thus we have rules.  My hubby and I are both hoping it will all work out in the end and my step-daughter will see the truth in the long run (we never say a bad word about her Mom in front of her or drag her into it... although her Mom pretty much does the opposite!).... we just have to keep on trying our best! :)  Good luck to you as well!!!

Shawna - posted on 01/06/2009

Well it seems like our situations are very similar. I have an 11 year old step-son and 8 year old step-daughter. My husband and his ex have been fighting over custody off and on for the last 6 years. We have been married 5 and together 6.  We met just 2 months after the divorce and 6 months after the separtion. So she has lied and told them that I broke up their marriage and too many other lies count. The only thing that I keep telling myself is that soon or later they will understand that we are not bad people. In the mean time I trying to make no major difference between them and the daughter that we have together (she is only 20 months). When they are at our house our rules apply. We try not to let them know what is going on between the adults. But I have talked with the 11 year old and told him that him and I were in very similar situation with being put in the middle of the parents fighting . Once he understood that I loved him and that neither he nor I could fix the situation, I think that he gained a little respect for me. The 8 yr old is a completely different story. There is nothing that her mom can do wrong, so I just let her think what she wants for now and literally pick my battles with her. I have tried talking to the mom, but she hates me and my husband so much that all she can do is play the victim role. Until the kids get older I feel like I don't have any opition to defend myself or my family. I hope that this helps you, (probably doesn''t) but atleast you know that you are not alone.

Good luck and God bless.