Help! The Bio Mom is driving me CRAZY!!!!

Cristina - posted on 11/19/2009 ( 4 moms have responded )

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So the bio mom of my stepdaughter is driving us up a wall. My fiancee has asked that I allow them to handle any issues going on involving their daughter, but I'm the one that spends the most time with her since I'm a SAHM.

When I first met my fiancee, his daughter was having major problems in school, whether it was not turning in work or simply not doing it. Having adjusted to life with the new baby, I've been working side by side with her this year and we've been slowly improving all her grades. Of course, the bio Mom tries to take all the credit for it, despite the fact that whatever work she does at her Mom's house I usually have to have her redo as it hasn't been checked and usually is barely legible. Not only that, but after we all had agreed that my stepdaughter needed to prove herself through grades and good behavior before we allowed her to do any extracurricular activities, at the last minute, the bio Mom changes her mind and signs her up for basketball. Though my fiancee got her to agree to wait until they talked about it, when I went to pick up my stepdaughter from school on the day of the first practice, she was already suited up and her stepfather was there. Of course, she instantly started sobbing saying that her Mommy said "Daddy said it was okay!" (all of this in front of her friends and teacher) and not two seconds later, her Mom is calling my phone to lecture me on how I had "misunderstood" the message.

This is only a small sample of the daily CRAP she loves to pull. She loves to try and change our agreed upon days saying that her daughter "doesn't want to stay" with me and that she keeps "asking for her Mom." Of course, whenever I ask my stepdaughter if she would rather stay at her Mom's, she says no. It drives me absolutely insane how selfish the woman is since when she does have her, all she has her do is babysit her baby brother.

HELP!!! I don't think I can stay silent much longer and I know that if I were to confront her directly, it would make it much, much worse for everyone involved. What do I do?!?!?!

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Anna - posted on 06/14/2010

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your not a door mat!!!! if your hubby has nicely requested that you stay out of it, just nod, agree and do things for yourself. you are either fully in on ALL decisions/activities or you are fully out!

dont be walked over or used.
i was, and it drove me to the point of moving away from my hubby and the abusive ex. i also had a 2yr old to think about aswell. now i stay out completely.

Ginger - posted on 12/15/2009

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I second what Jaen stated, But have a few words of encouragement myself. As a stepmom of 2 now 21 and 17. I can tell you that keeping my mouth shut was not happening especially since I was basically "raising them", however I have realized that by interferring I sent unspoken words to my husband that he was not a good father and that he did not know how to handle his ex. However really he knew better than I, since really he was married to her. However, one thing you have to do is stick up for yourself. Dont and I mean DONT offer your services to providing transportation to activities, or things that bio mom and dad agree upon without discussing them with you first and getting your agreement on thier agreement. Because they (bio mom & dad) will take advantage of you and then the daughter will play manipulative games (as it sounds she already does) with all of you. I am not saying stop being supportive of her and friendly and supportive of your husband but make bio mom & dad take thier Parenting responsibilities and stop using you as a scapegoat. My husband never liked to have conflict with his ex so there fore would just "allow" stuff to happen no matter what I said. So I told him that the kids were his and his ex responsibility and that I was no longer going to be their "TO DO GIRL" when it came to the decisions they made without including me but expecting me "To DO the work". So when he asked me if I would "Do" I started saying NO. Until my hubby, his ex, and thier 2 kids started to show me the respect and appreciation I deserved and included me in on the decision making especially if they expected me to Help them. I will be praying for you cuz being in a Blended family is not easy. Needless to say my step children know WHO they can count on and WHO they cant. That is WHY they call ME!!

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Don't stop supporting her and helping and teaching her, but definitely don't allow yourself to be relegated to "taxi driver". Basically you have to accept the decisions her parents have made (of course you can have chats with your hubs about how you feel).

JAEN - posted on 11/28/2009

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Try to keep your feelings to yourself and vent on here!!!!! Dont say anything to mother, child or husband but be the dependable, loving stepmum that this child will come to depend on. Let the mother do what she does and just be sympathetic and loving. I speak with many years of experience of this and if you give her enough rope......... Eventually the child will work things out without help and you will come up smelling of roses. My stepkids are in their 20s now and "tolerate" their mum but they love me and dont stop telling me that I was their rock when they were growing up. Good luck, Jaen x

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