MOTHER IN LAWS

Kate - posted on 10/16/2010

lol.... i figured you were having a bad day :-) totally okay to offload... isn't that the point of the forum ;-)

I have a family that is quite involved in my life, and my partner doesn't, and i find it really weird from the opposing point of view (admittedly my mum wouldn't make my doctors appointment for me though!) He probably needs to step up a bit - cause he's a grown up now, and I know how hard it is to disengage from your parents.

For the first time this year I kept something from my mum, and she really struggled when i eventually told her- and that I didn't share cause I didn't trust her to keep it a secret. It wasn't that big a deal, but for the first time i really felt like an adult making choices for me. I'm 33 years old!! It felt strange, and she is used to me coming to her first, and getting her advice for everything. Maybe he finds it hard too?? and he may not even realise or care that his mum is so involved.



Anyway - this is a really old post, and you've calmed down now anyway.

i find the whole thing of dealing with other people's personalities really difficult in families. All we can do is try and stay calm! So hard sometimes!

Ashley - posted on 09/02/2010

I absolutely agree that she has the right be be privet. i simply did not like being singled out anyway i was still upset when i made this post and have since had time to think and cool down you made some good points, it has been a very long time since i have had any family take a part in my life and am not used to a mother in law lol im learning to try not get defensive its just hard as she seems to be involved in every aspect of my partners life so unlike my family. Sometimes i feel like i just took a few steps back into childhood example she made a doc apt for him i havent had one made for me in over ten years we are the same age lol. Any way thanks again for your words i will try to keep my self sane lol.

Kate - posted on 09/02/2010

it's understandable that you would be irritated, but I guess it's the way you think about it that will bother you or not... you can choose to be annoyed and let her get to you. But I suspect that it won't change her behaviour and won't help you feel any better, and in fact it could even proove her right about you - and you want to avoid that.

the reality is, you don't choose to love the in laws... but you have to be respectful and maybe she needs a little more time. It's a very sensitive time for her, and in some ways, she's right. It's not your business, and even if you did get married, it wouldn't be either. She is entitled to keep things private and doesn't have to share with you if she doesn't want to. On the other hand, if she chooses to exclude her son as well then she is spoiling her relationship with him herself. We have no control over other people's choices or behaviour, just our own. Sounds like you need to make a choice as to how you are going to deal with it.

I think you have more power and control over a situation if you decide to hear what she has said, and accept it for what it is, but not take it personally (hard sometimes I know!), but eventually if you have taken things slow with her (and she is not a totally unreasonable person!) then she will come to understand you and you may have a good relationship.
She may have been trying to get a reaction from you - and it sounds like she did! So in some ways you let her win. Try not to do that, and just tell yourself that it is her issue. You know that you had the best intentions when you asked and it is her problem if she chooses to behave that way towards you.

it's understandable to get upset, but I wonder if you will feel better if you decide to make a different decision about how you feel. I guess you need to ask yourself... is she worth it?? Is getting angry or upset going to change the way she reacts to you? What can you do to feel better about the sitaution yourself and maybe change the direction of her behaviour towards you next time.

Best of luck. Keep your chin up and try to think realistically about the situation.
Kate