New to being a step mum - problems

Christa - posted on 06/14/2012

You'll eventually settle into a spot where you are comfortable and so is she. You're not mom or even her step-mom, so some things aren't for you to take charge of, but you are the other adult in the home so it is good to spend time getting to know her and it's ok to re-enforce the rules dad has set up for her. The boundaries are a little different when you don't know if you will always be there (even if you want to).

I had this (still do to some extent) with my "step-son", he will be officially at the end of July. :) I was "just dad's girlfriend" for quite some time before we got engaged. Sam is 7 and I love him to death, but like you I've been unsure where the boundaries are.

I started by just spending time with him/getting to know him. After his dad and I got engaged if I was asked to watch him alone and I was uncomfortable with it I spoke up. There are still times when he comes over and I need to take some time for myself and sit I in our room for a bit with my book.
Now I consider him one of my own and do correct some behaviors (ie. not chewing with his mouth open, if a cuss word slips out, encouraging please and thank you). With Sam it doesn't take much more that a "Hey, lets say 'oh darn' next time" or "I can hear your food". If it happens to be something larger like when he goes to bed I consult with his dad on what we will do, dad tells him what he expects, and I help re-enforce what he has laid out as the rules. I'm slowly stepping in and being more of an authority figure and doing parent child things with him like taking him to the park or making sure he brushed his teeth now that the wedding is close and so is the arrival of his new baby sister.

Missy - posted on 05/28/2012

Few questions first... is your relationship with Imy's father a long term relationship? Will you be in this child's life for the rest of her life? If you are in it for the long haul, you will need a LOT of patience. It took a few years to figure out what my role is and where my spot is with my husband and step-daughter. It is not easy at all.
As far as your role in correcting her, that is something you should definately clear with your partner first. Be clear on what your rules and expectations are and find out where he stand on those things. Some things should absolutely never be tolerated, such as being disrespectful towards you because if you are in it for the long haul, you are an authority figure in her life and she should respect that. But saying "what?" versus "pardon" probably isn't a battle worth fighting. Some basic common courtesy things like not gloating when she wins can be corrected with just a simple chat instead of a scolding. You can simply say "it is exciting you won, but it isn't very polite to gloat so much about it because that might hurt someone's feelings a little."

My main advice though is communicate with your partner. Ask him where you stand and what your role should be. And if something is going on and you and your partner agree that it isn't your place to address it, he should. Pull him aside and privately tell him what's going on, and allow him to address the issue. And also, don't give up on yourself and who you are and what your expectations, morals, beliefs, and ethics are and what they would be for your own children, because if you do have children with this man, you will someday have to address the issue of having two (or more) different kids with different rules under one roof. Also remember this child will be in his life forever. They are a package deal.

Ashley - posted on 05/07/2012

Your in a realy hard position my question to you is are you happy and are you going to stay happy if you stay in this relationship. Imy isint going anywere and as her father he is going to drop plans and take her everytime because thats what he should do as a father. But your not a mother yet and you dont have the same restrictions but if you want to stay in this relationship your going to have to give up what all parents do when you have her thats just the reality of having kids. As for disipline and corecting her of course you can and should if you dont than your just teaching her its ok to be rude. Try getting her involved in stuff you like to do instead of always going of her intreasts maybe that will help with the bonding. Bonding is not easy for me ether it takes real time and effert im lucky because i already had a child so for me im a mom anyway and its not changing my life style by adding a child. Also when you say its exahusting it totaly is but im just woundering if its because you are being treated like a friend being asked to constantly entertain and what not, its ok to say no, its ok to say go play by your self for a while. good luck what your feeling is really normal by the way