What to do about my step kids mom??

Shirley - posted on 09/16/2011

Wow your story is similar but different to mine, we have the 11 year old girl half the time and the 15 year old lives with us and hates her Mom. I have tried for 4 1/2 years to parent the 11 year old and really in the end she doesn't care and is here only to spy and report to her Mom everything that happens. I was just recently told by our lawyer to let the Father be the parent and to step back a little and it is going very well. It's what she wanted. I have to face the fact that I am the maid and babysitter not the Mom. It is different with the 15 year old since she lives with us. But my advice is to stay out of it, be the best you can be and at the end of the day just be happy with your husband. What happens in your house is your's and husbands decision and what happens at Mom's is her business, the kids will grow up and all this will be worth nothing and you had all this stress for nothing. Please be happy and concentrate on the husband and just do your best with the kids, saying anything to the birth mom is usually not in your best interest. Keep Smiling.

Morgan - posted on 09/08/2011

@Janice,

Just be careful. It may be different state to state, but I know in our state (WA) the family court system does NOT look nicely upon either parent trying to tell the other what to do. Be SUPER careful how your husband words his concerns :)

Another good idea would be for you and your husband to sit down with the kids and have them "help" get a list of rules together for your house. Also, work on some "rewards" that they would really like for following the rules (slurpees work great at our house, LOL). That's what we've done. My step-daughter gets reminder when she gets home that she's at daddy's house now and that rules here are different. Then it's up to her how she wants to behave.

Also, you have no idea what their bio-mom may be saying to/around them about dad's house and his rules. So, stick to your guns about what's expected of them and make sure they come for EVERY visit. You should be able to download the contempt of court forms by googling court forms and your state and/or county, or by going down to your local court house.

Janice - posted on 09/08/2011

@ Morgan

I have given a lot of thought to your post. and I think you are right. I don't have a right to tell her how to raise her kids. I wouldn't want someone else telling me how to raise my daughter. I do however think that my husbands needs to step in, to some degree, about some of the issues. they are his children and should have some say as to how they are being raised. I will definately be looking into that form you mentioned. thank you for you post. it was helpful and informative.

Morgan - posted on 09/05/2011

Neither you or your husband have a right to tell her how to parent. Trust me, we deal with similar issues with my step-daughter's mother. Every time she gets mad at me, she cries and says she wants to go back to her mom's house, but then 10 minutes later is perfectly fine and all of a sudden doesn't miss her mom anymore.

When kids get everything they want in one house and then all of a sudden have rules and expectations in another it's amazingly hard. My step-daughter is 11, but has special needs and mentally is about 7 or so. My husband and I have three other children (8, 4, and 3). I've noticed our other children have started learning poor behavior from their sister.

The only thing you can really do is enforce rules and expectations at your house. They also need to know that they don't have a choice in not going to your house or with going home to mom when they get upset. If she allows the children to decide not to see dad, she is in contempt of court. It's a quick form you can get from your local court house, fill out and file. In my area is a $50 filing fee, but you can make the other parent pay for that fee if they are found in contempt by the court. If the custodial parent is found in contempt of court 3 times in a 12 month period you can petition for a change of custody giving their father custody and mother visitation.

Janice - posted on 09/03/2011

Thanks for the advice ladies. I really wasn't sure if it was my place as only the Step mom to say anything. I think some things need to be said and they will be.

Summer - posted on 09/01/2011

I agree with cynthia. if he will not say something then you should. the kids are playing the parent cards and their mother is not the enforcement type, so therefore if you are beginning to dread those weekends when the kids come you better speak up before it starts to cause problems for you relationship with the kids and your husband.

Cynthia - posted on 09/01/2011

I think it's your husbands place to say something, but if he dosen't want to then you should. Something needs to be said.