Why are step children so blind, when it comes to there own mothers

Nancy - posted on 01/25/2009 ( 10 moms have responded )

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My oldest step daugther ,,is so blind, when it comes to her mother ,it is scary,,her mother ,phone the chilren AID on her ,and guess who gets all the Blame ,, not her mother ,, just me ,,I know that hate is a strong word ,,but some times ,I just want to use it ,the thing is that I do more for this girl, than her mother ever will ,,and it seems that every time something gose wrong in her life ,Im the she takes it out on ,,

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It doesn't matter if they have Donna Reed for a mom, or a total whack job.  Children desperatly want to believe that their mom is the best and loves them, and it's got to be somebody's fault if it's not that way.  Stepmom is the perfect target.  Not only are you there, but you are doing what you should be - being a parent.  As a job, parenting is not a everybody loves you one, and being a step makes it, like harder to the nth degree. 



It's not always that the kids are blind, it's that they don't want to recognize that their stepmom treats them like she loves them, and their real mom treats them like leftover spinach.  Come on, what does that mean - that the person who HAS TO love them doesn't???? Why would/how could anybody else love them if their own MOM doesn't?  So the suspision is working against you.  



Yes, it kills you when you just gave up having a stupid McBurger and skiped buying something you really needed for yourself so you could give her something she wanted.  Then she throws it at you how stupid/ugly/lame whatever you got her was, and how what her mom gets her is always better/cooler/nicer.  It doesn't make you feel any better to know that she's not actually mad at you, she's mad because Mom didn't see that she wanted it, and get it for her.  But some of us, that's what we have to cling to.  



Some of us know that you are actually the better parent, even if there's a step in there too.  And whether they admit it or not, a good portion of the kids know it as well, even if they'd NEVER say it aloud.  Cause admitting it would be accepting that their bio-parent is somehow flawed.  Which in a kid's mind means that they are flawed too. 



As much as we dislike/hate/despise with an undying passion the "real" mom, we have to be the better person.  Let them come to it.  Most of them eventually do.



Best till then.... keep hanging on!!!



 

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Patti - posted on 09/21/2011

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Nancy, I don't know why children are so blind when it comes to their Moms. For 15 years I have raised my husbands 2 daughters with the mother NEVER except for about 5 times being in there life (seriously) she also wanted to give these 2 beautiful girls up for adoption (Never did) but now the oldest is pregnant with the first grandchild and the youngest is getting married and she wants in their life and I am not dirt to them and they treat me like a WICKED step mom! I know this is an old post but I needed to vent. I have TRIED to make them love me through the things I do and all but my migraines are just getting too much for me I don't know what to do I don't know where to turn....my husband won't do anything or seems to not want to do anything so

Sonya - posted on 05/17/2009

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My step daughter was the same. She saw her mum through rose tinted glasses. She was this wonderful women (that she wanted her to be!). Then she grew up and took the rose tinted glasses off and saw her mother for what she really was. Like you i did more for my step-daughter than her birth mother ever did for her and i got blamed for everything. Even tho every time her mother upset her i was there for my step-daughter every time wiping the tears and giving the cuddles. Now she tells me I'm more of a mum to her than her real birth mother is. She buys me mothers day cards not her mother. Now my step-son has hit his teenage rebellion stage. We are going through the same with him, but i know he will come out the other side and see her for what she really is useless.

Buttercup - posted on 03/01/2009

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I know my stepdaughter love their mom more, she's their mom, and even though she is not all that nice at all to me, she's the girls mom and loves them a lot. I get kind of down when I am reading all these posts about how horrible mom is and how all the step moms are better and do more and love the kids more.

I'm not a mom, but I think I would not like it if someone was talking like that about me if I had children. Can't the kids just love their mom because she's their mom and has been their mom all their life? I don't understand the "one upsmanship" at all. I just try to steer totally clear of anything in life that will cause drama with the girls mom.

The girls love me in their way and I love them in mine- we have our own relationship that is special and unique, I don't need or yearn for what they have with their mom. I don't know maybe when they are older I will, but I think we cause a lot of our own strife sometimes.

Jennifer - posted on 02/08/2009

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I so hear you, i have a 12 year old stepson and we do everything for him and im the one who take care of him most of the time and he totaly has no respect for me or anyother women because of the way his mom treats him. I love him so much i would do anything for him i dont think of him as my stepson i think of him as my son!! I dont want him to have bad feeling toward his mom i mean thats his mom but i would like him to see her for what she is once in a whille and maybe relize that im not so evil after all and that she no angel!!



thanks for listening!!

Lucy - posted on 02/05/2009

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I am the stepmother to a 6, 4 and 2 yr old. i also have a 1 yr old and am expecting again.  I cant help but cry sometimes about how much my eldest daughter is let down by her mom.  She promises to come and visit them for the weekend , and then calls a day or two before and cancels.Or she will not call sometimes for an entire week. Honestly i would be happy if this so called mother never showed her face again, but i know that would hurt my daughter.  We recently were able to get the kids for the entire school yr, in a big custody battle. Since then though the mom has been very bitter and uses the eldest  against me and her father.  I feel like things are only going to get worse sometimes, but hope to God that my daughter will realize this woman's immaturity and selfishness.

Nancy - posted on 01/31/2009

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I m sorry ,and I do understand what you are saying ,I have told her that I love her ,I help her more than any one in her Life ,Her own mother ,calls Children Aid on her ,Im the one that gets the Blame for it .when any thing gose wrong in her life ,it is me that gets the Blame ..some times I do more for her ,than I do for my own Children,Her own mother has put her down,hit her,and has had ,well I lose count of how many boy friends she has had,I have become friends with her mother to show that ,Im not a bad person..but to her ,Im notheing but a baby sitter a ride here and there ,or can you lend me some money ,,don't get me wrong ,,I love her children and I love being a grand mother,,it has been great,, her son is 4 years old her daughter is 1 years old ...don't you think after 15 years ,she would know that I love her,like one of my own,,I tired of being dirt in her life ,all I want to do ,is say see ya ,,but than in doing that we will not beable to see the great children ,,and that hurts more than letting her go..her father is starting to feel the same way .. we need to do something ,, because it hurts so bad ,the she treats us ,,it seems the more we do the worst it gets ,,thanks for trying to help .. if there is any thing else,,I have been woke up by her father crying ,, I have cryed my self to sleep ,,thanks

Cassie - posted on 01/29/2009

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I am a step daughter and a step mother.  There were some significant issues in my relationship with my mom when I was growing up and still are.  My step mother was always there for me.  My father passed away 11 years ago and she has since remarried a man who would accept all 3 of her daughters (step and bio).  It took me a long time to realize this simple truth that I have shared (in part) with my step children and will now share with you...



A child always strives for the love of their mother and wants a close relationship with her.  There is nothing wrong with that.  If the relationship is less then they hope for (which it usually is if they live with dad) they wonder why.  It is only natural to wonder why a woman who carried you for 9 months can't seem to mother you everyday.  It is preoccupying.  Everyone wants to feel like their mother thinks the world of them and loves them unconditionally.  It is easier for kids to believe it is their fault then to believe it is mom's so why would they think different of you?  It is such a priority to love and hold mom dear to try to keep that bond strong.  The love a child feels toward their bio mom is different (not necessarily more but different).  Here's the clincher though... because of this they can't imagine that you could love them the same as your bio children.  They can't imagine that you could love them as much as (and sometimes more than) their bio mom.  U can!  



Tell her that it is ok that she thinks the world of her mom and loves her mom differently and maybe feels she loves her more.  It doesn't change how you love her.  It doesn't mean you love her less then her mom does or ever will.  It is like adopting a child.  When you chose her dad you chose her!  Let her know even in these difficult times that nothing she could ever do could make you love her more or love her less.  Be committed to parenting her and doing your best.



Having a talk like this with my step daughter made a BIG difference.  it helped her to realize that love isn't an obligation it's a choice and blood doesn't create love.



I love my mom but our relationship is still very tense.  She feels very threatened by my step mom.  When my step mom asked if there was anything she could do to make it less tense I said... "No, she feels threatened because she knows I chose to love you, you earned my love and respect but she doesn't know if she did."   Keep at it.  Your step daughter will see it one day and she'll feel the same way!



 

Katrina - posted on 01/28/2009

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I love your question! 



I brought up my husband's 2 boys for 9 years from them being really small until they were in their early teens.  When they lived with us we gave them everything. I even worked 2 jobs at one point so they didn't go without.  I even put off having my own children until we had enough money so that their lives weren't disrupted.  Their mother had very little to do with them and constantly let them down but they still though she was wonderful.  Anyway almost 2 years ago when the hormones started growing they decided that the grass was greener on her side of the fence and moved back in with her.  My baby was born prematurely one week later due to the stress, fortunately she was fine.  Six months later we emigrated and are now a happy and settled family with our own two children.



Their mother now lets them get away with what ever they want.  They are constantly on Bebo all hours of the night and have been in trouble with the police.  I'm not sure if she's still the best mum in the world and to be honest I don't really care.  Life has moved on for us and we are very happy.  



So my advice for any step-mother is emigrate!!!  5000 miles is a wonderful boundary!!!

Jennifer - posted on 01/28/2009

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Dear Nancy,



     I completely know how you feel. I don't necessarily get blamed for everything, but my step son has told me that he doesn't love me as much as his mom. It hurts, but I understand why he loves her more. 1.) that is his mom and 2.) it's easier to love someone and fantasize about a person who isn't there 24/7 than to be with that person all the time. So, I've accepted the fact that I will never be his mom. But I do tell him all the time that I love him, I'm not going anywhere, and that he is my son. I don't know how you communicate to your step daughter, but just consistently tell her that you love her, that you will always be there for her, and she can always come to you. If you keep those lines of communication open, it will help her to see that you aren't the bad guy. And I'm sure deep down she knows that, it's just hard for her to express. I hope this helps.



 



-Jennifer

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