Bio mom something not right

Ange - posted on 08/03/2011 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I have a 7 year old step child for who I love very much.... and for along time we haven't had any problems with her not wanting to go to her bio moms place up until a month ago everytime she has to go to her bio mom place she puts up a fuss this past week she told her bio mom that she was not going and that was the end of the story and she knew that she was missing out on seeing her grandma on her step dads side and that did not seem to matter one bit to her.... and when she is asked about this she won't really tell us what is going on what it is that she don't like there... all's she says mostly is the house is falling apart and there is no walls and she feels unsafe there.....

I do not know what to do here we do not want to cause shit but in the same something should be done really

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Jane - posted on 08/16/2011

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It could be that the name calling is coupled with screaming and yelling, and that may be what feels unsafe to your SD. And in point of fact, it would be a form of abuse.

As to the paint, if it is a nice, fresh coat there is no way any child can pick at it. If it is old, cracked and peeling then not only can a child pick at it, depending on how old the paint is, it could contain lead, which is a health hazard.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to talk to the bio mom about stopping overnight visits until the renovation is complete. Power tools, paint cans, ladders, and so on can pose dangers to kids, especially in crowded conditions. Once the renovation is complete so there is plenty of space, and everything repainted and repaired, then you could consider overnight visits again.

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Stephanie - posted on 07/11/2012

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if she dosnt want to go back dose she really need to?? take her to the doctor and be there for her to talk to whenever she feels like speaking , make her feel as safe as you can and she may open up to you

good luck and hopefully you get it sorted

Ange - posted on 08/31/2011

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but how do you prove that bio mom is calling SD names alls we have is SD word on it...

The SD says one thing about the paint and the bio mom says another about the paint I think bio mom should get over it and repaint the damn room... I am not sure why SD was able to peel the paint but she tells me its cause she rolls alot while she is sleeping and that it got caught on her... bio mom says it was cause she sent SD to her room for time out and SD was mad and peeled the paint..

they are not doing renovations in SD bedroom just to the rest of the house and I have recently been inside the house and it is not as bad as SD says it is and she has stopped all complain about the house now... SD is now complaining about other things like her sister getting everything and she is getting nothing and that her sister can do no wrong and she gets into trouble for the things her sister does

Ange - posted on 08/16/2011

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She is getting to the point where she talking more and more about the bad things at her bio mom's place so I am thinking that she might say something at school if something is really bothering her at school... and we go to the house every other week it is not the greatest looking house but they are renovating the place and making bigger so it will fit everyone cause right now they are living in a two bedroom house with three kids... not much room there but hugh yard..... I have recently been in the house and it is dirty in side but nothing really unsafe about the place and I am pretty sure there is non sexual going on over but then again I don't know to much about the going on's over there and SD won't say to much and neither is bio mom.... I am not to worried about CAS being called in we are not doing anything wrong here and my house is messy but in real decent shape.... SD says that her paint in her room is coming off and bio mom says that SD is picking at the paint and pulling it off and she is not going to fix it until SD starts to respect her things....

we were camping this week and weekend and she was talking more about it and we have never really pushed her for information as we want her to come to us and feel like she can trust us.... SD has been saying alot lately that bio mom calls her names of all kinds even calls her bitch but I mean SD does lie so really how much is this truth and how much is a lie... Bio mom lies too so can't believe every thing she says either....

Jane - posted on 08/16/2011

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Be careful - if your SD says anything at school, CAS WILL be called in whether the bio mom wants it or not. And if the bio mom is that worried about CAS, and your SD says she doesn't feel safe there, then maybe something bad really is going on. And if CAS thinks your husband knows about the situation, then they might take her away entirely.

First of all, your husband needs to go to the bio mom's place and see what the physical conditions are. If things are falling apart and unsafe then he needs to insist that the bio mom either repair it or move to better housing before the girl visits again. If things physically look fine, then you need to worry about why your SD "doesn't feel safe." Is there someone there who could be making sexual overtures to her?

And even if it will cause a fuss, this little girl's health and safety are paramount. You need to find out what is going on. You may need to go to court after all. At least your husband will, because in the eyes of the court you, as the step mom, have no standing unless the bio mom gives up her parental rights and you legally adopt the child.

Counseling may also be needed.

Ange - posted on 08/16/2011

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even if it means bio mom will be upset and mad? Sorry I am still learning my in's and out's to all this and I have been doing research about custody and what not and I am telling ya there ain't much help out there or info either

Christina - posted on 08/16/2011

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If there is no court order, then her dad can definitely do what he wants. No court order means no restrictions.

Ange - posted on 08/16/2011

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We didn't go through the courts to have things the way they are it was easier and cheaper to just set up an agreement for a schedule and simply so she can't come after us for custody or child support... We feel it is simpler this way so techniqually we just can't go ahead with the counseling we have to talk to her and try to talk her into it.....

Christina - posted on 08/14/2011

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Her mom has no choice. Your husband has the legal right to take his daughter to the doctor, dentist, enroll her into counseling, ect. Unless his custody papers says YOU ONLY HAVE THE RIGHT OF VISITATION, he shares LEGAL custody of his daughter and can do what he pleases.

Ange - posted on 08/14/2011

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I want to get her into councilling but the bio mom won't let us as she is afraid that CAS will be called in so I have to try to talk to her more about it but it is a touchy subject

Christina - posted on 08/13/2011

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Sounds like you need to get her into counseling. Take her to her pediatrician and they will be able to set you up with a child psychologist who will be able to get the answers you are looking for. Be loving and supportive.

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