BIO Mother VS Step Mother

Yellow - posted on 05/14/2011 ( 244 moms have responded )

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The more I think about it, the more it upsets me..
Why is it that birth mothers feel like they are just so much better than a step-mother could ever be? Why are they threatened with someone actually loving their children and their children loving that woman back, in a motherly way? When they claim they are so secure in their motherhood, when their actions show anything but security? When I was up with my daughter (step-daughter) when she couldn't breath Why didn't her birth mother call her to check on her? I am sorry but if my child was away from me for 2 weeks, I would call in general to see how she is doing... but if I found out they were sick while away from me, I would sure as hell call and check on them!!!

I have done so much for my children, that woman will never think anything I do is good enough. Even after I spend hours in the ER with her, waking up every hour to make sure she is breathing, giving her medicine at all hours of the night, holding her while she vomits on me because she is sick and then cleaning it up, holding them when they wake up from a bad dream and are calling for me....

Why do all of those things anger me when she shows not an ounce of concern? especially when she is bragging about being mommy of the year! I guess it angers me knowing all the things I have done for those children because it was from the heart, only to hear from my kids all the ugly things their mother is saying about their father and I....trying to turn them against us...

Please tell me I am not the only one.

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Kristina - posted on 03/15/2014

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You are not the child's mom. You are a step mother. She is not the "bio" mom. She is the MOTHER. Why are they better than step moms? Because they have a bond with that child that you will never, ever have. No matter how much you stay up with them at night, their MOTHER is their MOTHER. It may be that you feel resentment toward the child's mom because you're not their mother yet you have the responsibilities of a mother. If that is the case then you are definitely showing it in your behavior toward the kid.

MOTHER=MOM/MOTHER
STEPMOTHER=Adult female caregiver that's married to DAD

Christina - posted on 05/16/2011

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Women have no issues with their children calling their new husbands, "Daddy," so they need to shut the hell up when their ex's remarry and their kids call the step-mom, "Mommy."

Lizvilla - posted on 06/12/2014

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I joined this community just to respond to this post. See, my stepmother has been more of a mother to me than my biological mother ever was. She is the kindest, most motherly and caring being on the planet. And I just can not believe the arrogance I am reading on this board. Motherhood is an act, not a right. I say this as a mother of three children. And we do not own our children. We don't get to decide loving people should be exed out of their lives because their care bruises our egos. If you are a single mother you should be thanking your lucky stars if someone loves your child enough to mother them in your absence. If there can be two grandmothers there can betwo mothers. Get over yourselves.

My biomother was an absentee parent for years. When I did live with her and her new husband (for only two years) she used to tell me," You're not an abused child because abused children don't ask for it like you do," after he choked, hit or yelled at me. She was happy when I went back to my father. I will never forget the big grin on her face.

I was nineteen when my father remarried. He refused to consider anyone who would not be good to me. I am so glad he had that standard. My stepmother came to me with loving,open arms and she always had time for me. She could have pushed me, an adult, out of the home. Instead she was my biggest advocate, cheerleader and just amazing. When I got married and had kids she was there for every one of their births. Not my mother - HER. She helped me when I was a new mom. Not my biomom. HER. She is my children's Granny. My kids don'teven know what to call my mother. It isn't as if I didn't try getting "Mom" involved. She is just too busy living her early retirement life with her new boyfriend. She said her new guy is "uncomfortable" with kids.

Please don't go on about the bond with bio moms. It is foolish talk. Again, I have three kids. I know what I am talking about. Think about all the adoptive mothers out there. Al the step mothers out there. These women CHOOSE to care for kids who aren't their blood. When you pull the "I'm sorry but there's a special bond" crud you are spitting in the faces of women who step up when they are needed.

Sarah - posted on 08/06/2013

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I can completely relate to what you are going through. I am a stepmother to 2 boys, ages 9 and 13. Recently, the bio mom decided that I should not be allowed to attend the kids' sporting events and recitals. She turns the boys away from us by telling them inappropriate things. She has called me names on a number of occasions, and what bothers me is that the boys won't acknowledge that she has done anything wrong. She is always "perfect" in their eyes. When I try to tell the boys how I feel, they won't listen. I never speak badly of their mother, even though I'd like to.

I have been with the boys for 5 years (married and living with their dad). I, too have cared for them when they were sick, cleaned up their vomit, combed lice out of their hair, and cooked them numerous meals. Often, they tell me that my food isn't as good as their mommy's and that I should prepare it their mommy's way. I am so sick of this. I am underappreciated and feel like I have no voice. Everyone else in this household is allowed to have feelings except me.

Yellow - posted on 07/17/2013

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Katrina, I am so incredibly sorry that not only are your children going through that type of abuse but that you are having to also. That is wrong that your kids father is even allowing that type of crap to go on in his home and to his own children. You are right, they are getting older and they will realize a lot of what is going on in their time and the older they get, the more they will see a much clearer picture. They will also see a much clearer picture of you and know that you are the better person. I could never imagine treating a person let alone a child like that. It is women like that that give step-mothers a bad name and make us all look like we are crazy, bitter bitches.

I am the step-mother that Blonde Jan talks about. I take the backseat in a lot of ways. I have always encouraged my step-children, and have always showed them that I am perfectly accepting that they have a BM and that I have never intended to take their mothers place. I attend school functions (when we are told about them), I always drive 3 hours to pick them up. I am very active in their life. When they come to visit their dad, I am there front and center. I always told myself that they have a mom and that I am not going to force them to have a relationship with me, and by me doing what I am doing, they are able to see the difference between their BM and myself. They see their BM bad mouthing and belittling their father and I, they see her not being as much of a loving person as I am. My 7 yr old SS has even told me "Why are you so nice to us about our mommy but Mommy is not nice about you and daddy?". That alone tells me everything. When a 7 year old can see that his own mother is not a nice person, then that is when I know I am doing the right thing.
As much crap as their mother talks about us, my husband and I do our best to refrain from comments. Do not get me wrong, there have been times where I have popped off something, but I try and pick and choose my battles.

I just do not understand why people think that they are making the situation better by treating others bad. Even when I am dealing with my husbands ex, I have always just been respectful to her. I talk to her with kindness, I smile and I do my best to to keep my cool. It is very hard, most of the time. Its very hard to be crapped on by someone more than once and just show them that you aren't bothered.

I wish the best of luck to everyone here that is dealing with mean step-moms and mean bio moms. You all are strong and wonderful ladies, I know that neither role is not easy. Let us all just remember the important thing, The Children.

244 Comments

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Lizvilla - posted 3 days ago

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Jean, I have to disagree. You're assuming only men remarry and only stepmothers pose a problem. Children are statistically more likely to suffer from abuse in a home with their biological mother and a stepfather than living with a father and stepmother. You also fail to recognize who the number one abuser of small children tends to be, statistically: the biological mother.

Remember, these are statistics. These are not blankets claims about all parents or stepparents. But we need to stop pretending moms are saints. Speaking as the daughter of a very disturbed bio mom and wonderful stepmom, I find your comment uninformed.

Anna - posted on 04/27/2015

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You are not the only one but that's not the main issue. You seem to care too much what the biological mother thinks and does. Of course she's threatened and insecure but don't analyze that - it isn't your problem and there are professionals to help her. You don't need her acceptance or approval either, so let go of any thoughts about that. You do not need to discuss or defend how you parent or run your house. See the theme here? Support your stepchildren having a relationship with their mother but cut any chords you have - no worrying, no analyzing, no stressing, no communication with that woman. She sounds like a problem child. You do have to accept the other children your husband brought into the marriage, but not that one :-). Focus on your family. Some women cannot remain committed to their child's other biological parent yet also can't or won't seem to face the consequences that go along with their poor choices. Again, NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Don't let her emotional difficulties and character issues become toxic to you or your family. That also means dealing with the parental alienation head on, as it is form of child abuse. You and your husband should read Divorce Poison and absolutely challenge her on the alienation stuff, and make sure you confront her behavior and comments directly and honestly with the kids. You may need to consider the option of revisiting the custody arrangement if she continues to burden the children with her problems. What a piece of work.

Katie - posted on 04/24/2015

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Of course, you have a child I think most people see that family staying together I certainly would! In this case mum left, comes back every once in a while so I'm in the situation where I will be there 95% of time along with dad - I will be the one being vomited on, getting up and getting them to school with dad and their mum will see them once a month if she feels like it.

we waited (children are 7) until we were sure of our intentions together, we were very sure we wanted a future together before being introduced to his peanuts, my decision too as I didn't think it was fair to go into two little people's lives until I was sure I could commit to him and them. I think your completely right to make sure he is sure - if she's a good lady she will work with you and him - even though it's hard, and you sound like a good mum who just wants the best for her son.
I hope it all goes well for you and I think some of the stepmums who read this where mum is present will feel reassured that there are supportive mums out there who want to put their feelings aside for the sake of the children x I really wish you lots of luck

Stephany G - posted on 04/24/2015

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It really isn't any step moms fault to fall in love with a man who has kids. In my situation the father of my baby boy started a relationship and hid it from me for 3 months until I found out about 3 weeks ago. We weren't together, but once you have a baby I guess you picture things working out for the baby and for our family. That's why I said Im not looking forward to having to meet the step-mom eventually. As I told the father of my baby, he cant mix his girlfriend with my son right now, until it becomes serious. I don't want him introducing every girlfriend he has specially if it has only been 3 months. I think im not wrong in that. But eventually if this girl sticks around than I will have no choice no matter how much it hurts. like you said its all about whats good for the baby, and as long as this girl has a kind heart than I have nothing to fight with. Just hope she loves my son and doesn't just off when his dad is around for show. Like I said I wish they were all great step mothers like you

Katie - posted on 04/24/2015

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I feel for you Stephanie you obviously love your son very much, I would so prefer the children's mum to be like this, accepting it's difficult but do what is right for them. I put them first I wish she could, it breaks my heart what she has done to those little ones as much as it would be harder for me i would prefer it as she is their mum, sadly she doesn't want to be I don't think.

I hope the lady who comes into your son's life is a good person, we're not all bad I promise you! I will never be the children's mum until they want me to be, just a very supportive adult in their lives. I never wanted to replace their mother the same as I never wanted my fathers wife to replace my mum (she never could have done as my mum was always there, my dad was not) my case is different than yours as the mum here doesn't want to be mum apart from one weekend a month, and that's rare - I don't understand this at all! I miss those peanuts when I don't see them for a few days. But if I was to be a step-mum with a mum very much in the picture id know I'd not be a replacement just another lady in their lives that would have different difficulties but I think a good mum is a mum and you can never replace her just be a good editon x I always imagined mum being the rule maker with dad and that would keep certain rules as she is their mother but different in my case as she doesn't want them anymore.

Stephany G - posted on 04/24/2015

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I picture this to be my future of my son having a step-mother someday. To be completely honest, It is so hurtful thinking that my son could ever love another woman and see her as a mother other than me. I have been there since he was in my womb and I feel like he has one mother and one father. No need for any other people, but then I start thinking I will 1000x have a step-mother who is loving towards my son and love him and care for him when I am not there than have a witch that shows a pretty face but then treats my son like garbage. Its something I am personally not looking forward to. Some women are honestly great step-mothers, but its that fear of the biological mother that maybe the child is not treated or wanted the way we want them to be. I think that no one could ever treat or love my son the way his father and I do. I know in this situation you have a been a real mother to your kids and the mother not so much. I only wish every step mother was that caring to every child!

Katie - posted on 04/24/2015

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Women are just awful to other women. I came here looking for support as someone starting the journey into step-mummy hood.

Some Biological mothers out there who are rude and nasty to step mums need to remember something, not all biological mothers are good mothers - the one I have to deal with is a vile human being who couldn't give a dam about her children and just wanted money. - I hope to god those children never learn of this they certainly will not from me, they talk about their mum and I answer their questions but do not lie to them. The fact she is a bad mother is not just my opinion it was the opinion of the courts too, who granted full custody to the children's father - her response was apparently fine, not once during all the time of supposedly fighting for her children did she say she loved them - I have lost count of how many times she wants to see them only to change her mind an hour before, result two little people heartbroken.

I wish we could be "let's work this out for the benefit of the children" but this will never happen.. She doesn't want them, but doesn't want anyone else to have them either and that is not a mother in my opinion.

So biological mums, not all step mums are husband and children stealing ladies (I get the sense that's what most women think), some of us are really good people who want to just give the love with have too the little people who have come into our life to the very best of our abilities.

I intend to give everything I can to the best of my ability to the people coming into my life, not only did I fall in love with a wonderful man I made the decision to love his children too, a bit like any foster or adoptive parent would do, so whilst I will never be their biological mother it does not mean I can't be a loving caring parent and important part of their lives, I don't care what they call me but I will be there for them. Should one day they choose to make me their mum then that would be lovely, but I'm going to be there for them, it's up to them how we move forward with our relationship - and I think that's the way it should be.

So please to the ladies who keep being awful to step mums stop the bashing and war over the fact step-mums will never be as good as biological mums as some will be way better than their children's biological mothers, some won't I'm sure but give some of us some credit.

Sarah - posted on 04/15/2015

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I am in the same boat as you as a step mom! i try so hard but her witch of a mother sabotages out relationship by speaking ill of me to them. She is the most passive aggressive person i have ever meet I'm pretty sure she is delusional and have a mental disorder. .hang in there!!! and no your are not the only one !!!

K - posted on 04/14/2015

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I am both a bio and stepmom. I was widowed when my kids were 8 and 10, so their dad is no longer in their life. My step-son's mom has 50% custody, although we have him a bit more than that usually.
I've known my step-son longer than I've known my husband. I went into this open-eyed. Yellow Rose, she isn't your "daughter" unless the bio mom gives up rights or has them taken away. You can love her and support her, but the choices are between your husband and his ex-. You should be there for her when she's sick and love her and such, but that doesn't make you her mother. I'm sorry.
I would run into a burning building to save my step-son, but that doesn't make me his mom. He has one. I went into this with my eyes open. No matter how I feel or don't feel about his mom, he loves her, and I will never talk down about her to him, even if she does so about me (not saying she does). She and I do not communicate but to say "hello" politely. She and my husband are his parents, and therefore, they communicate. There are things in their parenting that I don't agree with, but as they are the parents, I might quietly discuss my thoughts with my husband, but the final choice is his and his exes. The same goes for him with my kids. He isn't their dad, even if they no longer have one on Earth.
The exception to all of this is if the child is doing something destructive and harmful to your home environment. Then you have the right to ask your spouse to intervene. But, again, your spouse, the parent, needs to do that. I don't mean silly household stuff. I will ask my step-son, for example, to put his dish in the dishwasher if he gets up from the table without doing so. If, however, he freaked and said no and swore at me (hasn't happened), I'd leave the punishment to his dad.
My kids will never have a stepmother, so I can't understand the jealousy a bio-mom might have. I'd like to think that had I been divorced and not widowed that I'd like to work with that mom to give my kids the best environment in both homes possible, but that she'd respect that I am the mom. But, of course, that's all in theory.

Amy - posted on 04/11/2015

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I am a bio mom. As I've gone through my own personal journey for the last 9 years and have reached out to online forums for support and help I'm truly saddened, infuriated and shocked by the raging war between the bio mom vs stepmother.

Our (my ex and I) history is one in which we tried very hard to create a loving atmosphere for our child as co-parents. We've done family time and our families still love and respect our extended families. That's not to say we haven't had our fair share of really major knock down blow out fights and differences. ..

For my story. .. the dad really didn't want to be there in the beginning. He was emotionally abusive to me (called me fat when I was pregnant! ). It was like pulling teeth to get him to watch our child. Just recently he tried to use the line that he was just a stupid kid when she was born.... well guess what? So was I. Except I was the mother. I carried her for 9 months in my belly. My body changed. My whole life changed. His virtually stayed the same. He still went out every weekend. He still could drink. He could go to sleep when he felt tired. I'm the one that had to grow up fast. But i don't regret a single second because it gave me my daughter who is also my heart.

But when we didn't work out as a couple, I had a choice. I could be bitter and vengeful, or I could work really hard at forgiveness. I chose forgiveness. It was really a hard and lonely path to go down. It's sadly not the path most ex couples seem to choose. And it was really hard doing it when I felt I was doing 90% of work.

8 months ago he moved 3000 miles away to be with his new girlfriend. He actively chose to leave his daughter. But he wants to play father of the year around his friends and family and new girlfriend. But guess what.... I let him. Because our child is 8. And she loves him. His new gf is looking like she'll most likely be stepmother. She is interested in our child and has a true desire to know and love her. I can't say it doesn't sting to watch that relationship mature. ... because motherhood is something most bio mothers don't want to share.

So it angers me to read stepmother rants about how the bio mother should just roll over and accept her (stepmother) as the new queen bee in the life of her (bio mom's) child. That you should be getting attention and accolades for the things you do as a parent. You chose to date and marry a man with a child or children and with that comes baggage. Being a true parent means getting vomited on, waking up when you're tired, eating cold food because the kid is hungry or whatever it is, and not seeking validation of what a good person you are and using it against the bio mother. Good. You did that? You stayed up with her while she was sick? Well bravo that is what you should do. Not so it can be used as a weapon later, but because you do in fact love your new step child. Maybe she didn't call because she does in fact trust your judgement and all the things you can offer as he mother figure when the child is in your care.

Maybe it's emotionally hard for her to deal with the new situation. .... just as it is for you. Maybe the answer is really looking at the woman on the other side of the story. Because all women need support and love. All women, bio mothers and step moms, know what a struggle and emotional drain it is sharing a child. It was never part of the master plan on either side. But here we stand.

And it becomes a choice. Do you choose love and compassion? Or do you choose to find anything and everthing to stock your arsenal against bio mom? Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and be the one to extend the olive branch. Maybe you'll have to do it a million times over. But anger is a cancer. I can attest to that. Love heals. Love makes for happy well adjusted children. You married a man with a kid. You were ready to love him and his child. .. but you seem to forget that you need to love the bio mother too. She's in their history. She needs to feel that your not just trying to erase her. It was her body that created that life. And she deserves your respect. As you do hers.

It's not to say some biological mothers aren't crappy. And some adoptive parents aren't just the most stellar parents on earth. But if bio mom is in the picture, then why not try to lift her up? And maybe, eventually she'll see the value in doing the same for you.

For my story. ... it's still being written. I'm human too. I have jealousy over the relationship my daughter has with her dad and his girlfriend. But I see a greater value in teaching her its ok to love the new woman and for the new woman to love her back. And sometimes..... it's really really hard to do that. So keep that in mind, please, as you search for your validation... bio mom is searching for hers. She has a natural right to her biological child. You don't. But it's wonderful you choose to accept and love this child. So continue to spread the love. To paraphrase one of my favorite quotes.... Hate doesn't chase away hate. Love does".

Mariah - posted on 04/05/2015

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I just want to say "BRAVO" and preach that, Lizvilla. Being a mom is an action!! If you birthed a child and don't act as a mother, you may still be BM but you are not a real mother. Just wanted to say thanks for your post. The goal for everyone should be for your CHILD to have healthy relationships and kept safe. LOVED THIS POST because you had real, true passion in it and you are right.

Mariah - posted on 04/05/2015

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sorry but when your husband is invited you are invited too, regardless of what they say. You two are one and you have every right to be involved in your kids lives (yes your kids too~! She can get over it~Sorry you are dealing with this.

Jessica - posted on 03/31/2015

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I'm guessing all u women downing stepmothers would b the jealous bio mom's correct? Let me go ahead n say yall dk what ur talking about lol If a mother doesn't take care of her child then she ain't much of a mother. Women give their kids up for adoption every day cuz they don't want em then when they get adopted they usually find someone who will live n care for em. Sorry but I'd b happy to know that my children were well taken care of when not in my house personally n if a woman ain't gonna step up n take care of her child the way a real mother should then them kids obviously need someone to step in n take care of em don't they and in my case my stepsons mom won't take him to the dr when he's sick so I have to cuz I have 3 month old twin girls whom he has gotten sick cuz that idiot send him to my house with pink eye, strepthroat, n other viruses now normally I wouldn't tell a woman how to raise her kid with some common sense but when it can affect my babies I'll b damned if I'll let that shit go!

Jennieslim - posted on 03/27/2015

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You are the step mother because your child has a father.. let him be that child's father and take care those thing's! She's not insecure she's the mother it's natural even in observing animals! Don't be her step mother if you are making list of thing's you do for her!

E Faye - posted on 03/22/2015

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I goggled on the search of a stepmom verses an adopted mom in how it affects one's doings emotionally. My husband and I married 22 years ago with his daughters being 22 and 23. Due to the girls being adults, I have never looked at myself as their stepmom but as a very good friend who loves and cares for them. I have never stepped in to give them my advice or guidance unless they asked for it, which my now 44 year old stepdaughter has. My opinion to her was very positive and uplifting for her self esteem and her outlook in life to be positive. I ended up receiving a nasty message on our landline vm from the bio mom to stay out of her daughter's business and anything to do with Beverley was to only be between her as the mother and their father (my husband). Take note that my husband's ex wife and daughters live in England and we live in America. The whole scenario has become so complicated as years have gone by. My oldest stepdaughter has always stayed loyal to me as a dear friend with not allowing her mother to ridicule me and at times her sister, Beverly. I look at the relationship in comparison to where as a stepmom we give all our love and support standing behind their biological father as an adopted mom, as I see it, they provide all their love and support whether they are single or married. There is quite a difference I know, but what a stepmom tries to do innurturing with positivity, love, support, trials in life is quite a sacrifice of our own choosing. I have been told by both girls that their mum is very bitter and has a problem with me. I will never understand because the previous wife made the choice to break the marriage, there was 10 years between their divorce and my marriage to my husband. There have been times where my husband will go and visit his daughters and now grandchildren & great grandchildren for a period of 3 weeks, which is very important, on a yearly basis. My heartache is that I sometimes cannot go because of my obligation to my employment. My heart aches to not be able to see my 'blended' family and miss my husband terribly. I have been told by others from the UK that I am the step mother and that is it. It hurts very deeply. I am the one who takes care of birthdays, Christmas, summer vacations, emergencies, etc. and yet I am just the step mom. When I am there, the biological mother refuses to have me attend any family events because it is 'her' family and yet when I am not there, my husband is welcomed to join family events. My stepdaughters state they do not have me included to attend the events because they never know what their mum is going to say or do to be mean to me. I will note, my husband always stands by my side and never leaves me alone. So, with writing this, I now see the difference between a stepmom and an adopted mom; a step mom has to contend with the bitterness and jealousy of the previous wife because of her regrets whereas an adopted mother does not have that person involved in her life. 'step' does mean stepping in to love and care no matter what and stand by as a friend, guardian and not as the word, 'mom'. fc

Connie - posted on 03/08/2015

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I can only reply by stating that you have made judging statements about the Mother and possibly this is the reason some Mother's do not get along with the stepmothers.

Donna - posted on 01/31/2015

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I am a step mom. My step son repeatedly has stated he gets left at home alone by his mom. She neglects to feed him and has hit him in the head and yells at him. I have witnessed her being manipulative with him during phone calls. My sister-in-law has stated she witnessed my step son being treated badly by his mom. His mom takes him to the doctor for things like his pants being too tight. She either has Munchausen's by proxy or is doing this because she wants to run up costs since we pay 76 percent of medical costs. She has lied and told us he was going to daycare for 18 months and refused to provide us with receipts. We now have to seek a judgement to get our money back. I tried to establish a better pattern of phone communication and visits between father and son but she makes us miserable. She has gone as far as sending him with a bazaar rash on his genitals that caused him to cry. I had her not send any clothes and bought him clothes that fit him and that were washed by me. The underwear were a size 3T and he was 6 years old. The underwear that did fit him properly were a size six. He is 8 now and I love him but his dad is not willing to do battle with his ex over her behavior. I have had to stand down and try to disengage because the mom has more rights than I do and his dad doesn't oppose his sons treatment. I try to think about how bad other kids have it in comparison to my step son. I really wanted to have my step son around even during vacations. My two girls are raised and was looking forward to having a step son. It's become apparent I'm supposed to be a step mom but I really mean nothing and it's all a pointless investment. Furthermore, I have another step-son living with us (child from first marriage) and he is 19. I devoted seven months to helping him get through high school diploma program at college because he dropped out of high school. Come to find out he had $2500 worth of speeding tickets, etc. in two states license suspended. He sold his own moms car without her permission and stole her debit card and spent $1200. Plus he signed a contract to buy a car and it got towed and sold so the private party wants money from my step son. He drove my car with his license suspended in two states without my knowledge. When I found out I put a stop to his driving my car so I thought. He stole my spare key out of my husbands nightstand and drive it without my permission. I found a condom wrapper in back seat of my car. I took a picture of my odometer and proved he was stealing my car. I have had money missing out of my purse several times. I want him out of our home . My husbands 22 year old has been stripping and a prostitute and does drugs. She demands we pay her way and has been a psycho at my husbands bothers funeral. She attacked and screamed at my husband. I've tried to be nice. We paid off his daughters medical bills and $9,000 car. We paid off his sons fines and put him through classes so he could get his high school diploma. I am done with my husbands kids and his second ex wife and the drama. Step parents can be dished a whole lot of crud! This could be one reason some step parents or even bio parents just can't extend themselves any more.

Jody - posted on 01/31/2015

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Somebody posted a comment that there is special bond between a mother and their child and I agree but what about the mother who leaves their daughter for a man and has two more children and does not help support her child at all and only sees her during the summer and maybe a holiday?? I'm the stepmom in this situation. The child in this situation has a loving father who has full custody and I (stepmom) try my best to be there for her as a mother figure since her bio mom is not involved. Just because a woman gives birth it doesn't make her a mother. I do not understand women like this!

Donna - posted on 01/11/2015

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I have to agree with your statement. In my situation my ex and his new wife both split up two homes to be with each other. They didn't care about the consequences each of their innocent children would have to deal with ,and quite honestly they didn't care about anyone other than themselves. 2 homes were split, 3 childrens lives were affected, both adults walked away from their families to be with each other and left the children behind. Don't get me wrong ....months later they each became involved with their own children on a more regular basis but the initial act they did was a very selfish act. YET my sons new stepmom can look me straight in the eye and tell me that during their 5 year affair they were doing nothing but thinking of ALL the children involved. I mention this only because today this woman still has an issue with any amount of time my son spends alone with his father, she demands to have vacation without any of the children and will some times include her teenage boys but never my son because he is younger (9) and requires to much guidance and watching. When my son was initially spending his 4 weeks of summer time with his dad and his stepmother it wasn't an issue UNTIL I found out that while his dad was working his step mom, didn't feed him breakfast, or lunch, didn't check on him but instead let him "fend for himself" and have free reign of the house to the point where my son was telling me he didn't feel safe being there alone with his stepmother because she wouldn't know if he was hurt or not....I put a stop to that. I am not sure how I am going to handle this summer because I do feel it is important for my son and his father to have that time together.....My point though is exactly what your post states....My son had no choice in any of this and most definitely did not ask for a step mom who honestly hasn't cared about him from the beginning. This woman knew what she was doing from day one when everything started and I honestly believe she truly thought that my ex would just walk away from him as he has done his 3 previous daughters and I'll admit he did for a while but is slowly coming back around. I just don't understand why the children are not put at the forefront of everyones minds. If they were these situations wouldn't happen like this.

Donna - posted on 12/15/2014

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I don't think it's easy being the bio or step mom. I have decided that it's important to not focus on the other woman. Focus on yourself and your husband. Doing what is about your own feelings and taking into account the kids feelings of course. Ignore her and reinforce your boundaries and decide what you want for your life. Find creative ways to cope and handle issues. Take care of you because people tend to judge and lose focus of what's important. The kids grow up and move on. I want to be healthy and have a great marriage. That is what my focus is! I could be the worlds greatest step mom, but we are just going to get a bad rap no matter how great we are. Don't take on any extra motherly duties than you have to. Don't invest or get too attached! My step son is 8 and is just as manipulative as his mother. He gets in our vehicle and states all he thinks about is living with me. Then later his mom states I told him he could come live with us. She is crazy! The more her son is around us the more contact from her and the more craziness that creates conflict in our marriage. She is remarried, but doesn't want me around because I interfere with her trying to be the alpha wolf in my husbands life. She took financial advantage of my husband. He believed all the expenses she claimed to have without providing a receipt. My husband has a TBI. No one knew this until I discovered something was wrong. It happened two years before she left him for another man. She kept him on a string for several years. She obviously didn't love him or she would have addressed his health issues. She didn't even cry when he stepped on IED in Iraq. She has focused a lot of time on contacting my husbands family and turning them against me. I am fine with the few members that used us and now doesn't want me around because We will no longer be used. I'm not going to allow my husband to keep paying for things his family wants. My kids are gown, my daughters have had women in their dad's life. I leave them alone and stay out of their business. I really don't care and have zero jealousy. We all get along and no drama on my side.

Karina - posted on 09/10/2014

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So would it be the same do not let a child live in a house where the mother has remarried? That is just ridiculous! I know for fact that if it where not for me my children would never have known what a good mother looks like and I am the step mother and no that is not an opinion!!

Jenny - posted on 08/25/2014

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Wow, some of the comments on here are really sad, bitter and very hateful towards stepmothers.

and I am saying this as someone who cannot stand for the life of me my own ex stepmother.

I do not think most issues with a step and bio mom are caused by the step. It can be either one to initiate the issue due to Ego's and Jealousy.

I don't see why it should be a problem for a bio mom, to have a stepmother for her children that love them and want to nurture them when they are under their roof. On the contrary, I feel a bio mom should be happy and grateful that the woman the father chose, chooses to love the children and treat them right. Because believe me it is a choice! I chose to do what I do for my SD because I care for her and her father.

Lets turn this around, if that bio mom remarries and her husband took on the role of father figure in the home, is that a problem? From what I have personally seen, no it is not a problem, the men are put on a pedastool and people say, "oh, what a wonderful man he is, he treats my kids so well, like if they where his"

Why can't a father or a mother be happy with their new partners and all 4 love the child enough to put aside petty crap about "ohh, I don't want my child to love another woman like the child would love me"

As a stepdaughter I wish my stepmother would have loved us the way I love my stepdaughter. I wish my stepmother would have wanted to treat us like her own, especially since we where so young when she came into the picture and we had lost our own mother.

I tell everyone around me and around my stepdaughter that she has her mother and we both know our place. We respect what her mother's wishes are but her mother also knows that in our home BF and I set the rules, NOT bio mom. (if it was up to bio mom there would be no rules) in her home her and her bf set their rules. We've never had an issue with this. Before I came into the picture, SD would never dare to mention her mom to my BF or MIL because they would always be negative about bio mom. Now SD trusts me enough to talk to me, to mention bio mom and things they do at home. She trusts me enough to tell me if something hurts or if she doesn't feel well, something she never did with my BF or MIL or her own bio mom(I know this because her own bio mom has said that to us)

Our issues stem from money mostly, Bio mom takes the money and dumps SD at our MIL's house during SD's time with her Bio Mom. Our issues with bio mom include the fact that she is a bit neglectful of her health and nutrition.

But I guess I am lucky that bio mom and I can leave out the petty crap about who her daughter loves more and who her MOM is, to insure she knows she is loved at any home she is in.

and trust and believe! you do not have to be a bio mom to form a bond with a child, I saw it in my SD this weekend when I noticed signs of jealousy towards my nephew from her. Although I am not happy that she felt she needed to stray my attention away from my nephew back to her, it did show me the extent of how she see's me. She did not want to share me! (and yes, we did talk to her about her behavior and that she should know I love her just as much as my nephew)

Megen - posted on 08/14/2014

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Coming from a mom (stepmom) myself, I see there's a lot of baby mama dramas in here. I don't care what any of you women say about step parents there real can be just as real as a bio moms. It doesn't take blood to build a bond. If that was the case then why do people adopt? If your baby mama drama bad mouths you to the kids ignore it. Regardless of what one parent does, doesn't give the other parent the right to talk bad. It's like telling a child that half of them is bad instead build the other parent up and only speak of the positives. When the child's old enough they'll realize what's going on. The more they try to tear you down the more they tear themselves down. I don't even let my step kids mother get to me anymore. She couldn't compare to me on my worst day. Just focus on you, your husband, and your babies.

Severina - posted on 08/13/2014

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I agree with yous as a stepdaughter. The second wife - the stepmother - endures the children of her second husband but she really loves only HER OWN children. So, it is better for the stepchild not to live in your fathers new family.

Sharon Spencer - posted on 08/05/2014

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That is the worst thing that I have seen on this site. I am appalled.

Jean - posted on 07/31/2014

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A "step mother" is created only when a father marries a woman not the mother of his children.; The mother is always the mother but the "step mother" will only be the "step mother" until the husband takes another new wife. Most hate relationships between step and mother are caused by the step (jealousy) who may have never even met the mother (as in my experience as a step child.). I think the best answer to "step mother" problems is not to allow a child to live in the home where a father married again. Bottom line is that "step mothers" are desperate to marry a man and would be a lot better off without another woman's children under her roof.

Grayfeather

Mary - posted on 07/20/2014

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I wish someone would explain to me why the term step mother is even used. You are a second wife. If you are performing the duties of a mother for a child that is not yours, then you are doing it to appease your husband. The child is his and his ex-wifes. Not yours in any way.If you are unhappy with that then maybe it is the child's father you need to deal with. The child did not ask for 2 mommies you were forced on the child by it's father. Dad's decision is what put the child in this position. If more second wives starting looking at this from a child's perspective maybe they would see this in a whole nother light. Second wives are a part of their husband's life, not his child. If dad wants to see his child then he should not make you responsible for his child's needs and requirements. That is HIS responsiblity. If you are fulfilling these requirements to please your husband DO NOT take it out on that child. What everyone in these situations forgets ALWAYS is that NO child has asked to be a part of this. These children are the VICTIMS of adults who have no regard for any happiness but there own. How many times have a heard it said that a child must accept the fact that Mommy or Daddy has a right to be happy. At the child's expense, of course. Children are PEOPLE not POSSESIONS. The children are the only ones who get my heart in these issues because they are truly the innocents who get hurt.

Lizvilla - posted on 07/07/2014

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It is a good thing they aren't living with her. She doesn't sound all that stable, mature or rational. Thank you for putting that up there. There are so, so many women who do this, and our society likes to act like they are anomalies. When that happens it hurts the kids and disregards the mother's work a stepmother does. It seems thankless, based on what I've seen here. The step moms are too cold or too eager to replace the biomom. I doubt every single stepmom being badmouthed here is a witch. I suspect the witch factor is evenly spread on either side.

We might as well be real, here: the ultimate measure of womanhood is motherhood. Many noncustodial moms had custody taken away from them through child protective services due to addiction and mental illness. Men have their kids taken from them when biomoms decide they don't like the new partner. That is the most common cause for losing joint custody. And men don't get judged as less than, when they go through this. It is acceptable, expected, ordinary. The sexism is on both ends and is double edged for both, but the real losers are the kids.

As a mom and a school employee (I am your friendly sub!) I see so many parents and grandparents who are involved and ready to do whatever it takes for their kids. It's great because I see it across all socioeconomic boundaries and these kids just respond so well when things at school and home sync up. Step parents do it, too. And they are just as important as parents - I know that is sacrilege to many bioparents, but it's a fact. Involved adults make for happier,healthier kids. But I am so, so tired of having to be mindful about not mentioning step moms to moms. This is a consistent theme. We have to be aware of certain people being in the same building together because they will start a scene. The WORST offenders are the custodial moms who refuse to let step moms pick kids up from school, even though the dad has them at those times. Our principal had to be advised by the school district's attorney,who had to read the custody papers, in order to figure out who was going to pick a five year old up from school. The kid had to wait two hours in the principal's office and the stepmother was made to sit in the parking lot while the mother raised hell.

Miranda - posted on 07/07/2014

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OMG I so relate to this times a million. My husband and i have full custody of his two and my two. His dumb ex is crazy and she is evil she yells things like they came from my crotch.. yeah volger much . She is nothing more then an icubator posting pics of them on her 2 hours a week visits when she takes them all over FB like mother of the year.. oh let add she uses pic on dating websites seriously low. she cares nothing for them and she pays not a dime to support them . She sees them less then 10 hours a month yet plasters her FB with pics.. seriously it sick.. They call me mom and she gets mad. I told my kids they need to call her mom she is their mom and my 9 year old said well she doesn't act that way.. in the end the kids know and they will carry thats. as for bio mom its sad the monster she has become.

Lizvilla - posted on 07/07/2014

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Twenty eight percent of children living with a single parent are living with their father. When children live with their father they are more likely to receive no chid support or visitation from the noncustodial parent than are children who live with their mothers. These children are not anomalies, despite the fact that they are “exceptions.” Motherless children are not the unicorns of the parenting world. They are, sadly, a sizable portion of our population. I grew up thinking this never happened to other people and was profoundly shocked to find it isn’t. I have to disagree with your notion that this is somehow rare.

AndI don’t understand your point about “taking away” from a biomom. What’s being “taken away?” If someone loves your kid and wants to mother them, it doesn’t mean your mothering is “taken away.” It means another person cares about your kid. I would think this is a good thing? Think about it this way: You want your kids’ teachers to have good relationships with them, too, right? And many teachers have genuinely loving bonds with students. Is that taking anything away from their mothers?It’s benefiting the kid. I would think, especially in divorce situations, that you want your kid to get as much tlc and support as they can get. Kids from broken homes often feel unimportant and pushed aside when a new partner is around.

To be honest I don’t understand your response because you ended up talking about step moms who didn’t care for your kids, which is another issue. I am sorry your kids had to go through such painful situations. Yes, many biological mothers are bonded with their kids. But if you’re going to complain about stepmothers you need to realize many of them necessarily have to step into the mother’s role because there are mothers who leave and a woman’s feelings aren’t the end all, be all just because she carried a baby to term.

EW - posted on 07/04/2014

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It's rude to call a mother of the children you claim to love "crazy." Whatever insecurities she may have, she should own that. That said, stepmother's ought to have respect for those insecurities.
Sorry. I don't see my children's stepmother as a 'bonus mom,' as much as the mother of three additional little challenges that prevent my children full access to their father. She's not the one that soothes my kid's feeling when Mr. Wonderful forgets a birthday, Christmas, or cancelled visitations to do something for her? When my children started visiting their father's house, they were put out of their beds when she moved in and relegated to the floor and couches. Did that irritate me? You bet.
Dad treats his children different now. When he came home for the holidays, it was requested our children be able to accompany her to the airport to see their dad for the first time in four months~ she said there wasn't enough room in the van for them all to fit safely. Same van they'd been using for a year. My little girl, the baby of OUR children, wanted to see her dad. WHY on earth should a child have to compete with another woman's for their father's affection and attention?
Now that the they have moved far away, the kid's only see their dad minimally. They were promised beds when they arrived. They do not have them. They were promised time alone with their dad. They have gotten very, very little. My daughter already doesn't want to go back~ as her children are telling them to get out. My youngest is struggling with these kids calling her father, 'Daddy."
When they had a family portrait done~ our children were left out. How convenient. Yet, she calls my kids, "hers." Pick a story line and stay with it.

And yes, I am a tad bit bitter about the kids having to beg for their father's attention~ been there, done that with my own father and stepmother. Her kid's got gold chains for Christmas while my brother and I got house plants.

Divorce sucks.

EW - posted on 07/04/2014

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One lets go. She is an adult. I have had to do this with my own daughter, and I raised her. This generation has an attitude of entitlement~ as hard as that is, let it go and someday, she will grow up.

Mommy - posted on 06/26/2014

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I'm not really sure if the people involved are still going to read this, but here goes: I've been with the same man now for 21 years, married 16, he had a little girl who was 1 when I met him. I the same except she was 6 months old. When we met it was great.

We dated for 5 years before we got married. We planned everything around my stepdaughters and her mother schedule, because we wanted her included in everything that we did. Her mother made it very difficult for us, used the child as a weapon for years. That young lady came to our home everyday after school because her mom worked. My husband didn;t want her to be a latch key child. I was fortunate that I was home with them. They went to school together, different grades, but came home on the same bus for years. Then her mom decided to move into a new school district on purpose because she felt she didn;t need to come over anymore because she was sick of picking her up twice a week, and we drove her home the other days. Needless to say, we now had to go a meet her at the bus stop, my husband was working, so I did it for years, without a problem, I love this girl like my own. Always did always will. I TOOK HER to dr. appts, dentists, check ups, warts burned off, wisdom teeth extracted, they mother never took her to the Dr., but had the nerve to call one day screaming at us because the one time she did take her the Dr. Office didn't know who she was. (Not my fault) We listed her information in her file, she never had time for this stuff. It was always me, my husband was and is still very greatful for the love and care I give her. He supports me till this day.
But now, she is 22 and the last 4 years have been terrible. She hurts my husband so bad, with her nasty attitude, thinks she is better than anyone and she isnt. All the years we planned everything around the court ordered visitation so she wouldn't miss anything, I've thrown her every birthday party, graduation party, etc., for her, listened to her cry how bad her mother was to her, she couldn't stand her, bla bla bla, Cooked her meals, bought her extra stuff clothing whatever she wanted in addition to child support paid because I love her like my own.

AND NOW this monster, She went to a very expensive college, her financial aid did not cover it, we invested over $20,000 in her college, part of it because she failed courses and it cost us $8,000 for summer sessions so she could get her financial aid back. Her mother would not do it. She promised to pay back $2,000 in payments to us. 2 years later not 1 penny has been offered to pay.

She is still rude, very mean, comes around when there is a holiday or maybe show her face for an hour. She has all the time in the world for her mother side and that family. AFTER 21 YEARS THIS IS WHAT YOU GET. My husband and I can lay our head down at night knowing we raised her the right with values and tried to keep them instilled but why the hurt. HE WAS NEVER A WEEKEND DAD or A PART TIME DAD, we went to every school event, sport played, concert. Don't get it. The hurt is terrible. But yet when she comes around my husband, me our daughter and son don;t get excited anymore and she gets pissy. Too much hurt. This is the thanks for 21 years of loving someone like your own. The mother condones all her actions for years. What does one do?????

EW - posted on 06/25/2014

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I'm the Mom.

I have given birth, adopted, and fostered children. I have also been a stepmother twice. My grown stepsons and my two new stepchildren are very nice young men and a lady.

That said, I have a different take on this respect my children's mother by not assuming the children will automatically love, respect, or want me to be a part of their lives. They didn't ask their parents to get divorced and had very little say with my marrying their father. No matter how much I may like or love them, I will NEVER be the mother that carried or nurtured them from the cradle.

Also, a birth mother is a woman who chose to place her child for adoption. Unless your stepdaughter's mother has done this, she is the mother. That may ruffles some feathers, but she is mother. Even if your husband has custody, she is still the mother. That is something that should simply be accepted.

I am dealing with a stepmother that was once my friend, but now has placed me in a position to ask the court for limited visitation due to multiple issues. She has placed my children with relatives that walked into the room swinging a belt at my then 7 and 9 year old son and daughter; required my teenagers to watch their step siblings while she goes to direct sales conventions; smoked cigarettes in an enclosed vehicle despite being asked politely (by the kids and I) not too; held my son down and force fed him his medication; and generally left them unsupervised. Now, my daughter has issues with blood sugar and I have learned she is being allowed to eat whatever she wants. Then, there's presenting my children as her own when they are out in public~ despite my older children telling her repeatedly it makes them uncomfortable.

I was once amenable to working with this woman and the children's father until any wishes I requested for my children have basically been ignored. The kids can't go anywhere with their dad without her sending one of her children along...and if they do have an opportunity, that is quickly sabotaged because he must go back to the house and rescue her from her children's multiple issues.

My kid's are there now and have been begging to come home since the second day.... They don't want to be left with her all day.

I'm the mom. Because she cannot follow moderate, reasonable requests regarding my children, we are going to have to go back to court.

I am the mom. Period.

Marian - posted on 06/24/2014

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I guess it just depends on your situation. I know very well that my step-daughter (5 years old) will always need her mother and I am in no need to compete with that woman. I know that the most I will be in the end is a "friend" to her but if she wants to call me "mummy" then thats her decision, I won't force her. But a few months ago, she decided herself to call me mummy and my husband (bio dad) and I were so happy about it. I never even once thought "I'm going to be a better mum than her real one". All I could think of was "be nice to her (step-daughter) so she will like you" haha I value my relationship with her and prefer to focus on that than waste my time on thinking about how I can be "better" than the ex. I do not have time to waste precious energy on that person.

But I can also understand why bio mums don't like step mothers, deep down you know you don't. Yes bio mums have a different bond with their children but in my situation I do have to question her bond and security with her child. Because why would she b**ch about me all the time then? In my opinion, she just jealous that her children can have motherly relationships with another person, I understand because I know I would be too. In my situation though, I know she is also irritated about me because she knows she lost a loving, caring, amazing, respectful man. My husband was the one that filed for the divorce. And even now she thinks she is still his "wife". Hurts my head to think about how crazy she is.

Pamela - posted on 06/13/2014

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I think step-parents and grandparents are very similiar at times. There are limits and restrictions.

Pamela - posted on 06/13/2014

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I am a non-custodial step-mom and a custodial bio-mom. I have been a custodial step-parent.
After reading your words, I have to wonder did she want you to do this or was the situation forced because of legal issues caused by blended families.
She can be secure as a mother but not appreciate giving up her mothering time with her children to another person. I think she should make the best of it but sometimes that is very difficult.
As far as calling you?
Well, you sound like a very hostile person toward this mother. Have you made communication with her children and her parenting partner(your husband) difficult? Do you respect the relationship between your husband and her? Do you respect the relationship with her child(your stepchild)?

After reading your words, I get the impression you got the wrong idea. I may be missing something in your words.

What I see is a step-parent who is acting in a parental role and wants recognition for what she has done.
Here is what you missed. Bio-parents don't get recognition because this is what is expected. If they list what they have done, everyone says good job but that is what you are supposed to do. If a step-parent does it, others will say, "How nice that you made that choice!" If you don't want to be treated like a step-parent, stop asking for recognition because parenting is a selfless and unappreciated role(until the kids are older if your lucky).

Plus what makes step-parents think they get to claim to be the mother or father? Is it because of a marriage certificate? If you think a marriage certificate lets you call a child yours then why do you discredit a birth certificate? Isn't a marriage certificate a measure of a relationship between a husband and wife? A birth certificate list a relationship between a mother, father and child. I think the birth certificate rules in most cases. Do you think it Is because of what you have done? I think in some cases it is warranted. I think in some cases, the step-parent doesn't respect their own role. They are not realistic to what their marriage really is and what it brought with it. I think in some cases some step-parents step up when the natural parent doesn't and this is wonderful. I think it is awful when a step-parent feels they are more to a child then a parent, when the other parent wants to be that and is prevented due to the situational and legal issues. Example: If your partner has custody, and you get to do more parenting then the natural parent. My heart goes out to those children who are prevented from having the love of all involved. I say put all the Ego's aside, recognize the importance of a natural parent to a child. Do your best to love that relationship on both sides. Grow it and make it the best it can be for the child. If the other parent isn't there, then do your best to be the best you can.

Step-parents recognize what you are and where you are needed! When you marry your partner with children, your relationship will have extra issues due to the children. You are going to be second at times. You may even be third or fourth. The children must come first. I wish I had better words to say this. Step-parents, if your parenting skills are not needed, then step aside and let the natural parents do it. Don't do it because you can or because you are available. If a natural parent is available, then make it so they are the ones. Your partner was given custody. Part of having custody, is being the parent who is best able to foster and respect the relationship between the non-custodial parent and child. I feel that the custodial parent needs to make sure the relationship between non-custodial and the child is at the top of their list, especially in situations when the other parent wants access. Parental and step-parental agreements need to be put aside.


My step-child and I love each other very much. Her mother dislikes me. I feel I do a better job at parenting my step-child. However, I would never begin to call myself mom. Parents have the right to parent their children. There are many different styles. I respect her right to do it her way.

Pamela - posted on 06/13/2014

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I agree with you. It is OK for a step-parent to step up and be the parent when there is a need. However, if the natural parents are active(this includes non-custodials) then step-parents should love that child enough to allow the main relationship to be between the child and natural parent. When custodial step-parents claim their relationship is so strong compared to the non-custodial natural parent(due to legalities not absentee), They had time that the natural parents missed out on, due to custodial and non-custodial boundaries. In blended families, that time needs to be with a natural parent unless impossible.

My words are for families that have two parents who want to be a part of their childs life but a custodial and a non-custodial must be chosen due to a broken romantic relationship.

Milagros - posted on 06/12/2014

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very sad but true and its happening alot in america today its sad how (some) step parents instead of overlooking n understanding the roll of step parenting now in modern times move aside you are in the picture of the family respect the role of being a step parent and stop competing with bio parent cause at the end its competition nobody is running race its whats best fo rthe children i agree with you yellowrose god bless hope everything works out for you and your family

Evelyn - posted on 06/12/2014

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Love you Forever- This woman has never tried to love my kids. She has not tried to be a friend, mentor, or anything to them. She was with my daughter for a short time but then she and my ex would take advantage of her because she was so much older than the younger ones to be a built in sitter. She has always disliked my son for whatever reason. But she still thinks she can tell my ex how the visitation should go or how to handle a situation that is between me and him. He seeks out her permission almost when it comes to things he and I have to decide on. He has to check with her first! I know not all step moms are bad or intentionally take over things or what have you, but both of their step moms never once to my knowledge tried to make my kids feel they belonged.

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Evelyn- I'm sorry that you have to deal with that. You are right to think how you do... There are just certain things that moms and dads have responsibilities over and it is no one else's place to make these choices. Its so rude to come into a family and start demanding how things should be. If that was me I would try to n gain the mother's respect and trust not make demands and put ur put their nose where it doesn't belong. I think some (not all) feel that because they do motherly things that means they can make all the parenting decisions and that's the tough thing for them to swallow... That even though you're a parent figure you still need to step aside because you're not their mother. So stressful.

Evelyn - posted on 06/12/2014

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Love You Forever--And you are also right. But as I have said in previous posts, my kids have not had good experience with step moms. Those two had children also from other relationships and did not even try with my kids at all. THe current one still tries to stick her two cents in when its our talk over visitation, medical things, and other issues that are best left to the mom and dad. She thinks because she is in the picture she has a say in those important issues too and she clearly does not have a say at all. She also seems to think she knows my kids so well when she does not. I have tried to be nice to her. In public it is easy to be but sometimes out of public sight....its horrid. I have a problem with her trying to run things for my kids when its not even her concerns. And I know she has only heard one side of the story. But in the end, both times, it has not worked out that there was common politeness just for the sake of the kids.

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Evelyn- you are right. Step parents are parents and they love our children and that's wonderful because let's be honest how could they not :). I have a step father and he's awesome he always encouraged my relationship with my dad and never stepped on toes. That's how it should be... He didn't try to take my dad's place he just loved me and supported me! Its very true that the step mother only hears one side and automatically think the mother is crazy or something. Its not fair... We give up everything for our children and its not an easy thing having someone else trying to be a mother. I just wish that we can all respect boundaries. Also in my situation the step mom is very insecure with me and my ex co parenting and tries to control everything. Its tiring and would be so much easier if we all just put ourselves in the other womans shoes. I know I get why step moms have insecurities and I get why they feel how they do... But I never see anyone looking at it from the bio moms point of view.... We're just monsters who are crazy lol.

Evelyn - posted on 06/12/2014

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Love You Forever--there is a very special bond between mothers and their children. I had it from the first time I knew I was expecting. But a lot of step moms are mothers in their own rights too. I am those that are mothers understand the bonding with the child. But they also have to learn boundaries when the step kids' mother is still active and in the picture. What is at issue here is the fact that a lot of step moms are told one side of the story by their husband or partner. THey do not really know the mother and so when the mother calls, asks for help with something, or is trying to work out issues with the father, they seem to think that their partner is right about the ex. That point is that the kids are the ones who are going to loose out if the parents...steps included....keep arguing over this and that.

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I'll say it again... There is a special bond and maybe some MOTHERS (screw bio mother talk) aren't very good mother... Point taken! But most mother's out there have this bond with their children and frankly the love a mother has for her children is nothing you can compare too. There is no love like it. If mother's don't feel this then maybe there is a disconnect in your love?

Don't be so ignorant to the mother's you care day in and day out for their children! They will and have given up everything for their children and it's the most selfless love out there.

Step moms are there to love and support their step children and sometimes step in when the mother can't be there. But for the majority of us mother's there is 110% a bond there and I feel sorry for any mother that d doesn't feel that. No bruised egos here... We are thankful people love our children... But if the mother is active the step parent should know her boundaries and know when to step a side. Its about boundaries not egos!

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