BIO Mother VS Step Mother

Yellow - posted on 05/14/2011 ( 178 moms have responded )

63

81

5

The more I think about it, the more it upsets me..
Why is it that birth mothers feel like they are just so much better than a step-mother could ever be? Why are they threatened with someone actually loving their children and their children loving that woman back, in a motherly way? When they claim they are so secure in their motherhood, when their actions show anything but security? When I was up with my daughter (step-daughter) when she couldn't breath Why didn't her birth mother call her to check on her? I am sorry but if my child was away from me for 2 weeks, I would call in general to see how she is doing... but if I found out they were sick while away from me, I would sure as hell call and check on them!!!

I have done so much for my children, that woman will never think anything I do is good enough. Even after I spend hours in the ER with her, waking up every hour to make sure she is breathing, giving her medicine at all hours of the night, holding her while she vomits on me because she is sick and then cleaning it up, holding them when they wake up from a bad dream and are calling for me....

Why do all of those things anger me when she shows not an ounce of concern? especially when she is bragging about being mommy of the year! I guess it angers me knowing all the things I have done for those children because it was from the heart, only to hear from my kids all the ugly things their mother is saying about their father and I....trying to turn them against us...

Please tell me I am not the only one.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Christina - posted on 05/16/2011

1,513

28

140

Women have no issues with their children calling their new husbands, "Daddy," so they need to shut the hell up when their ex's remarry and their kids call the step-mom, "Mommy."

Yellow - posted on 07/17/2013

63

81

5

Katrina, I am so incredibly sorry that not only are your children going through that type of abuse but that you are having to also. That is wrong that your kids father is even allowing that type of crap to go on in his home and to his own children. You are right, they are getting older and they will realize a lot of what is going on in their time and the older they get, the more they will see a much clearer picture. They will also see a much clearer picture of you and know that you are the better person. I could never imagine treating a person let alone a child like that. It is women like that that give step-mothers a bad name and make us all look like we are crazy, bitter bitches.

I am the step-mother that Blonde Jan talks about. I take the backseat in a lot of ways. I have always encouraged my step-children, and have always showed them that I am perfectly accepting that they have a BM and that I have never intended to take their mothers place. I attend school functions (when we are told about them), I always drive 3 hours to pick them up. I am very active in their life. When they come to visit their dad, I am there front and center. I always told myself that they have a mom and that I am not going to force them to have a relationship with me, and by me doing what I am doing, they are able to see the difference between their BM and myself. They see their BM bad mouthing and belittling their father and I, they see her not being as much of a loving person as I am. My 7 yr old SS has even told me "Why are you so nice to us about our mommy but Mommy is not nice about you and daddy?". That alone tells me everything. When a 7 year old can see that his own mother is not a nice person, then that is when I know I am doing the right thing.
As much crap as their mother talks about us, my husband and I do our best to refrain from comments. Do not get me wrong, there have been times where I have popped off something, but I try and pick and choose my battles.

I just do not understand why people think that they are making the situation better by treating others bad. Even when I am dealing with my husbands ex, I have always just been respectful to her. I talk to her with kindness, I smile and I do my best to to keep my cool. It is very hard, most of the time. Its very hard to be crapped on by someone more than once and just show them that you aren't bothered.

I wish the best of luck to everyone here that is dealing with mean step-moms and mean bio moms. You all are strong and wonderful ladies, I know that neither role is not easy. Let us all just remember the important thing, The Children.

Megan - posted on 05/15/2011

13,092

16

89

I have two bio kids living with me along with 3 SK's i just know i wouldnt like it if my bio logical children called there SM "mom," it hurts.

Sarah - posted on 08/06/2013

1

0

0

I can completely relate to what you are going through. I am a stepmother to 2 boys, ages 9 and 13. Recently, the bio mom decided that I should not be allowed to attend the kids' sporting events and recitals. She turns the boys away from us by telling them inappropriate things. She has called me names on a number of occasions, and what bothers me is that the boys won't acknowledge that she has done anything wrong. She is always "perfect" in their eyes. When I try to tell the boys how I feel, they won't listen. I never speak badly of their mother, even though I'd like to.

I have been with the boys for 5 years (married and living with their dad). I, too have cared for them when they were sick, cleaned up their vomit, combed lice out of their hair, and cooked them numerous meals. Often, they tell me that my food isn't as good as their mommy's and that I should prepare it their mommy's way. I am so sick of this. I am underappreciated and feel like I have no voice. Everyone else in this household is allowed to have feelings except me.

Christina - posted on 05/15/2011

1,513

28

140

My stepson calls me Mommy Chris. He came up with it. His mom doesn't like it, but tough shit. I have five children total (including him) and I'm not going to make one of my children call me Chris when the other four call me mommy. It's not fair to my son.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

178 Comments

View replies by

Kristina - posted on 03/15/2014

1

0

0

You are not the child's mom. You are a step mother. She is not the "bio" mom. She is the MOTHER. Why are they better than step moms? Because they have a bond with that child that you will never, ever have. No matter how much you stay up with them at night, their MOTHER is their MOTHER. It may be that you feel resentment toward the child's mom because you're not their mother yet you have the responsibilities of a mother. If that is the case then you are definitely showing it in your behavior toward the kid.

MOTHER=MOM/MOTHER
STEPMOTHER=Adult female caregiver that's married to DAD

Amy - posted on 02/26/2014

1

0

0

I don't believe all step moms are bad. But my girls do have one. She has blocked my phone number from my ex and my girls. I cannot go their house, they give my girls choices to see me which is not legal. She tells my girls I am bad mother and I have abandoned them. At this point I don't know what my oldest thinks of me because of what has been said. My ex lets this happens. My ex tells my girls I hate them and don't even care for them. I want to see them but I have to wait to get a lawyer to go to court. Their is visitations but they aren't following it. Last year I did have custody of my girls until I get really depress, I took care of my girls but didn't take care of myself, the right thing in my mind was giving him custody to get better. Well they turned that around and told my girls I abandoned them. There are people who are really nice but some really aren't. When I had custody my ex had visitation every weekend but for six mi the only had them four times. The step mom blasts me online saying I'm a dead beat mom and I don't care for them. They are my life and I would die for them. I don't want them hurt or going through this. But like one post said, the kids will realize the truth. But is the damage already done. Heartbreaking mommy

Rae - posted on 02/20/2014

9

0

1

You are not alone in the least. I'm a step mom to a little boy and their mother thinks because she gave birth to him and I didn't, that I will always amount to nothing and never be his family. The only good thing that woman has ever done in her life is have that baby boy, she's a useless, selfish mother.
Just love your child the best you can, and it doesn't matter what she does or how she feels. You can only control yourself.

HawaiiSM - posted on 02/15/2014

1

0

0

You are not alone, until recently that was my life as a step-mother. I read StepMonster... it really helped me understand the dynamics.

Alicia - posted on 01/28/2014

1

11

0

I have 3 beautiful step kids (23/19/13)- words can will be manipulated often, but know what I have learned (23 & 18 yr old) respect me for all the support that I have shown through the years w/o showing anything but love- the situation you described sounds like one I've been in and handled it the same way- you're doing good. Keep showing love and know that you are a great part of the kid(s) lives. Always talk and answering questions and their concerns is all you have to worry about- never bad mouth mom & the kid(s) will see what is important in life.

Laskel - posted on 01/13/2014

1

0

0

There are so many different circumstances that come into play here. No two situations will be the same. Bottom line....everyone needs to work together for the children. It's not that hard to act like adults...make the commitment to your kids. This is not their fault nor should they ever be put In the middle. I am a step mom, and also have children who have a step mom...not always easy but it can be done.

Theresa - posted on 01/07/2014

4

0

0

I believe, that as long as you don't try to take the "title" of Mom or Grandmom ( when that time arrives), no one should have a problem with your love for the child. That is under any normal circumstance. I can't even fathom a mom who wouldn't check on their child by phone. If she couldn't get to her chikd physically, she should feel indebted to you, who could be there. If the child bonds with you because you were there, that's great...once again, as long as you don't try or allow the child to refer to you as his or her mother/mom, or any variation of that role. You were there for an incident or two, not in raising the child.
As for the young woman whose stepchild wants to call her "stepmum". I'd say continue to let him know that is your role in his life, but he doesn't need to call you by that title, for it to be true. Calling you by your name is appropriate.

Jackie - posted on 01/02/2014

1

0

0

My stepson is 7 and i've been with his dad for 6 years married for nearly 3, its been a very gradual process getting to know each other but we have a good relationship and he knows i love and care about him, so much so that in the school holidays and totally out of the blue he asked if he could call me mum, first of all i was surprised because he's always just called me by my name and its never been an issue, secondly it felt nice that he felt this way and i must have done something right, then i thought how do i handle this?, so i told him that he already has his mum and it wouldn't be fair to her ,so i said that when he's grown up if he wants to call me mum he can, then i finished by saying that i look after you when you're here and i am your stepmum. He was cool with that and understood what i was saying, in fact when we went shopping the next day he went to the counter saying can i have a slush puppy please, my stepmums got some money lol. Anyway that was 3 months ago so we have him now just after xmas to new year and he says my mum says your not my stepmum, so what do i do now she's basically called me a liar, i was very angry with her because she's trying to sabotage any kind of relationship we have, she doesn't know the reason why i told him that i was his stepmum and i wouldn't tell her either but for her to say i'm not his stepmum i think is horrible talk about confusing for him, anyway my husband is going to have a word with her when he takes him back so watch this space. Any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated x

Melissa - posted on 12/27/2013

1

0

0

You are not the only one. My best suggestion would be to read the book Divorce Poison. Its a fantastic resource and it may help you to understand a little of the dynamics involved in a miserable divorce and a subsequent marriage.

Its pretty important that your husband also read the book. By far this is the best book I have read in dealing with difficult or narcissistic ex spouses.

Ariana - posted on 12/25/2013

1,181

0

592

I don't think it's right for people to bash either the mother or step-mother. We are grouping a whole bunch of people into a small little box. Not all biomoms despise the step-moms or are awful, nor are they all sunshine and rainbows. Not all step-moms are wonderful, nor are they all psycho control freaks. We are all unique little snowflakes in unique situations; although of course similar themes do occur.

Every situation is different. What I look at is is the step-parent doing something they know hurts the mothers feelings when they don't need to? Is the mother doing things to hurt the step-parent unnecessarily?

Is the step-parent trying to get the child to call them Mom even though they know the mother doesn't like it? Is it that important to them to take that title from the biomom?

Is the biomom involved in their lives in a consistent manner? Is the step-parent?

I just find a lot of people lump situations together and make grande assumptions.

There is jealousy, there is upset, and it is not healthy for anyone. People get upset over petty situations and won't let things go.

Just look at some of the things that are said here. Yellow Rose you're basically saying how you believe you're better than the biomom. Well of course YOU would call the hospital if it was YOUR child. Well look her child wakes up and calls MY name.

And then you wonder why the mom feels threatened. Do you think she doesn't feel you judging her parenting?

Of course that does not give her a right to bash you in front of the kids, that is not healthy for them at all. You should look at the whole situation though. You're asking why the 'birth mothers' think they're better than a step-mom while also claiming that you are better than your step-children's birthmom.

Maybe it's true, I don't know, but I wouldn't go making grande assumptions about all birth parents based on this. I would also try to calm down a bit. You are not these childrens biological mom. You ARE a supportive, loving women involved in their lives. You are important, but that does not give you the right to stand over their mother and judge her or how she parents her children. Unless she is being abusive towards them (of course) she can parent her children how she likes.

I would never let anyone tell me how to parent my child and I'm betting you wouldn't let anyone tell you how to parent yours; or how to run your own household with your step-children in it.

IrishGirl - posted on 12/01/2013

5

0

2

Blonde Jan, I agree. The only thing different between bio Mom and I is the giving birth part. I do everything else the same if not more.
And I can't find who said it, (I think it was Chris?) but my step son calls me Mama or Mommy (My Name). He started it all on his own and we have never enforced or trained him to do so- I AM the MOM in this home. He is not confused. He knows who gave birth to him because I have made sure he knows and understands the difference. So whomever wrote the post with a similar sentiment I AGREE. I am not having my children call me different things. Period.

Lily - posted on 11/19/2013

3

0

0

Katrina, not all step mothers are monsters. I am a step mom. And honestly, I play a big role in my step daughters life and the bio mom has accepted it. The reason I am so involved is because when the parent split up and find someone new, the mother and father are not one family anymore. Rhey cannot do everything together and cannot deal with the issues. As my husbands wife and as my stepdaughters parent (half custody), I am raising her as my own. I help make choices for her. It's because that little girl is everything to me. When I married my husband I also married his little girl. She is as much mine as he is and she will ALWAYS be equal to my borth children. It's so much easier to come to an understanding with the other mother. Spmetimes there are crappy step mothers but the mothers, fathersn and step mothers need to learn to act like adults, and in the best interests of the child/children involved, being open and honest and learning to accept that the other parent is NOT going anywhere makes life easier and the child so much happier and safe. Although some step parents are not what I call active step parents, there are step parents like me, everything I do, I do it because I want what's best for her and I loveher. I wish that mothers cocould step in the shoes of the step mom. It's not easy. I've been on both sides. It's WAYharder being the step mom. The family doesn't accept you at all, and assumes you know nothing. Even if the mother and you get along. It's never good enough because you didn't carry the baby yoursyourself. Being a mom often has nothing to do with birthing a child. It's all about the selfless love you have for them.

Lily - posted on 11/19/2013

3

0

0

The absolute worse situation is a family I know. The little girl is r and her dad is with a woman who loves her as her own. They just had a baby together and the little girls bio mom told her she will get in trouble for playing with the baby because "he's not your brother!" So the little 4 year old went crying to her step mom over it and told her she wanted to play woth her brother. Who on earth would do that to a kid? A? It doesn't Mater the relationship between mom and step mom. DON'T punish the kids.

Mary - posted on 11/17/2013

1

0

0

Ok people here is the deal if you have to go to court to figure out how to get along and end up on the winning side the first thing you need to know is that everyone lost because really its all petty and you did not earn anything. All you did was take a child who really had no say in any of the people involved being in his life away from one side or another. This means even if one parent was not the best parent that child didn't choose who they were born to nor do most of them want to be told that they cant see the other parent because the other parent didn't win. All your going to do is make that kid feel like they did something wrong for either agreeing with you on something or not being good enough for that other parent to be better. Also as I have seen it all over this page stop downing the other parent it dose not matter what you think of them so what you ran a something somewhere or you really do your best to take care of them get yourself a cookie and a good job. Step parent birth parent their is really only one word between the two PARENT It dose not matter if you married to or birthed them that is your job YOU accepted to be a PARENT that means you do all that stuff because its what the child needs not because the other parent is not as good as you or because you some how figured out how to get what ever you want from, to, by, with, or because of the child. PARENTS don't take from their children they do their best to give them everything they couldn't have and more. So STEP PARENTS if you take the spot away from a birth parent who that child loves that parent in anyway from having them call you mom or dad when it makes a big deal to not being able to just shut your mouth and step aside to let your spouse work it out with the other birth parent even if they have to go thru mediation to work it so that they can communicate together for the betterment of the child with out you then you will still get to be a PARENT in your home to them. If all that happens when you talk to the birth parent is that you fight its simple back out support your spouse in your home let them vent give them advice but stop trying to put yourself before that of the child and the relationship of the birth parents. That means encourage your spouse to work with the birth parent not join them in all the negative talk and planing for your own need to feel like your more important and WOMEN stop being so catty you don't have to be the only girl to convince your man that he is wrong from time to time. Really reading some of your post is just plan out sad that you cant see what your justifying your self righteousness for their ex can not be all of these things at the same time unless they have multiple personality and even then all the name calling energy should be put to better use. So lets brake it down one by one to what you may be covering up for she is just so envious of you, after your man, have nothing to do with the children, and never communicate and or absent.
1 If they are envious it is not because your a super model its because you didn't do anything to earn what they feel you are taking from them (which you do help in making that better or worse by your actions) or really don't understand how it is you can get away with whatever your doing and some how they are all wrong for something that has been working in some fashion before you jumped in and started changing how things were done with out really knowing what that family had already overcame or came to terms with or didn't you should make sure that your spouse at least is not holding onto anything from the past and that dose not mean that they still want to get back with the other person in some way but that they may still want to get back at the other person because you and the kids become the tools to do so.
2 If they were after your man either your going to have to have that trust for your guy and know that they would never do anything with anyone past present or future that would hurt you like that and then why would you care that you have someone who wants you no matter who wants him. Maybe you might feel that way because they get along so well not just for the kids but have a level of a working friendship. THAT IS A GOOD THING the best working co parents even with step added are ones that can be friendly with each other and get along for no other reason then they both accepted they didn't work out together but could still see the good in each other. Instead of jumping on the he's mine now train figure out why it is they can talk about things outside of the kids and are ok with letting the other call the shots sometimes on small stuff with out asking first but they are always on the same page. Then find out how you can join into that relationship with out having to be the number one woman over something as stupid as your own need to feel like you have him all to yourself because the next ones you will cut out is the kids. (I have seen them and some of you are them so do a little soul searching and if to no one but yourself make sure that your not changing things so you are in charge or rule over anyone)
3 If they have nothing to do with the children why are you upset or trying to fighting over. If you have them all the time and take care of everything then guess what even if they call write or just plan tell you they don't like you or how you do things when you pick up the kids if that is truly the extent for which even though your spouse communicates and gives every chance that comes along for that parent to join in with whatever is going on with the kids its just words and more then likely they are not happy with who they are as a parent and has nothing to do with you. So if they do start joining in support that they are working on their issues and its a good thing for the kid not dive into yourself over how much you do that they don't. YOU ARE A PARENT.
4 They do not communicate and are never around This once again points to what are you fighting over their is no one to fight with. Go you, you get to help raise a wonderful person with the one you married who was doing it on their own if this was the case and the child now will get to see what its like to have both roles growing up. Now if there is some communication and the other parent dose come around but not on any kind of regular basis but when they feel like it. Your spouse, you, and depending the child can deside how to go about that. Honestly and this is just me as long as that other parent isn't going to harm or put the child in danger in anyway as long as they call before hand I would try to work it out where you took that child (depending on them) to a public pace where you could sit in eye range of them but give them time and space to visit. Maybe if the parent has a phone let the child try to call every now and then. For some even though they don't like it getting to see or hear from that person every now and then is still better then nothing at all.
This one really is a personal per family situation though. So if you are dealing with just this in its self still don't put that parent down where the child can see or hear its like constantly reopening a wound and it dose nothing for the situation. Abandonment is a hard issue to deal with and most never get over it.
Alright now if you take all that back a part and put it back together I hope you can see how it dose not add up. You cant be after someone but never be there or talk to that person, if they are envious of you personally for whatever reason they are doing it from far away so how would you really know and if so ok so they wish they had or could do something you do but are not for one reason or another and if anything they may work on whatever that is and fix it so that the children may get to have a relationship with that person.
BIRTH PARENTS look you had the child either you are involved and are doing what ever you can for the children. Anywhere from most, part time, or limited custody time you choose weather or not and how involved you want to be in your child's life.If that is seeing them when your custodial time is and doing everything else from attending dr.s apts and school events. If the other parent will just not be nice to you well that's ok do whatever you need to, to stay as active a roll as you can in that child's life (there are ways to do more by letting some one say you are doing less) don't let the other parent tell you that you can't do something you have the right to that dose not mean you have to say one word if you have the right to be apart of something or somewhere tell them you will be there so long as you are going to be there for that child and not to get back at the other parents you will only end up showing that you are not going to be bulled pushed out of that child's life nor are you going to put any effort into arguing. If your lucky the other parents will stop trying to argue over everything and can figure out a way to agree on things at some level.
If you can not get along with a step parent you are not obligated in anyway to have any contact with that person so let them know that where as it makes life easier on everyone if you BOTH can not get to a point that you get along for the child you will cut that line until it becomes workable again. This dose not mean you get to talk crap. A note to parents who know they earned the trash talk though no child should ever hear that about their parent you still get to choose weather or not you can get some of your rights back by doing whatever they require you to get to where is best for the children. You may not ever be able to have that say so over things again or it may take you a long time and hard work to get to the point where you can have the kids stay over with you at your own house. If you got to this point though its probably not realistic for you to think that you could be whats best for anyone if you think that you can or should take anything back from the other parent. For you I wish you the best and hope you do try to get a healthy relationship going with your children but don't feel sorry for you because you had to have made some really bad choices and in some way not wanted to be a parent to get to that point.


I will close by saying I had two step parents that helped to raise me growing up and I love and respect them just as much as my birth parents that are married to them. I am a single birth parent of two who is going back to court after my ex remarried and after four years of trying every way possible to work with the situation and not only dealing with the everything that has come from them but watching my children suffer for it no matter what I tried I am very sad to say that some people just can not and will not work with co parenting so if you are a step parent that respects that birth parent or at least the children enough not to constantly down the birth parent and find ways to push them out so that you can just have the story book family thing going on for what ever reason thank you.
I know its hard not only from watching my parents growing up but I myself am well on my way to becoming a step parent my self to two teens and just starting a relationship with the kids can be scary let alone incorporating everyone into each others life's we are hoping to be at a point where we all move under the same roof this summer.
I still don't understand some of you though I feel no need to rush things for anyone kids or parents involved. Nor do I feel as though I am not accepted or loved if they don't call me mom nor do I want them to as my step parents never put that out there on any of the kids they felt more accepted loved and respected simply by the fact that we communicated with them our thankfulness for them in our life's from time to time. I don't know maybe its just me but I think if everyone stopped looking for faults in the other and calling names and trying to get the kids to do just what we thought was right then things would get back to the basics of everyone living with sharing the responsibility's and being there for the kids.

LalaBoom - posted on 11/14/2013

248

0

41

Do not waste your time with sub-human species that Mickomilburn is.

She does not deserve your anger.

Rock on with your bad self Yellow Rose ;)

Stepmothers - posted on 10/03/2013

2

0

0

Peacefully co-existing with the Mother or Stepmother is often a task which requires efforts on both behalf's. It is necessary to make an effort to connect with the mother or stepmother where there is a child involved. Naturally there will be apprehensions on both behalf's especially if there is not a initial discussion before meeting for the first time or a proper introduction. The Mother of the child is relevant. The stepmother of the child is relevant. The two connect more with the child then the father on most occasion's because the mother is a nurturer naturally. Take time to consider your role and what you can do differently to make a more peacefully resolution. The children are watching and they do matter. Stepmother And Mothers Online on FB.

Krista - posted on 09/05/2013

2

0

0

I just found out that bm told the 3 year old that Santa is really their papa, that is the truth, but pretty much she is telling the 3 year old that Santa is not real. Why????? To make sure she is the one to tell her??? Do it at the right age! Let them be kids and believe in what all the other kids in the town believe in. I feel so bad for my kids :(

Krista - posted on 09/04/2013

2

0

0

Oh my!!!! I am in the exact situation!! I am so glad to have found this web site!! I met my husband 3 1/2 years ago. It went real quick!! He was battling a nasty divorce involving his hers and kids attorneys and psychologist. We ended up winning the kids at the end!! She has regular visitations and since she lives in the same town she gets overnights during school. She claims she is the best mom even though I have so many pages of the kids events that she did not attend. And she lives 3 blocks from the school! I am the one that has to meet her for the exchanges. We meet at the school and last week she called me every name in the book, it was all over her throwing the 3 year olds crackers she got from nanny on the ground and I said I would pick her trash up. She did this in front of the 3 year old, my 1 year old and then another student. I wish I didn't have to be the one to do the exchanges but its not anyone else's responsibility. My kids do not want to go over to her house and cry about this. She has kicked the 15 year old out of her house 2 years ago for 3 months. She kicked the 9 year old out last year for a mo th. she tells the 9 year old all of the time that I can adopt her and she won't ever have to come back. I wish she would follow through. I am glad I found someone going through this, I am sorry, but my husband just doesn't get how much it affects me! She tries to turn them against us also. She even tells the 3 year old that her dad was not there for her birth...kind of hard to be there if she doesn't tell him. But as soon as he found out he took the 2 older kids to see their sister. She even told them I was the reason they got a divorce....not true cause he filed in 09 and we met in 10! The divorce drained us financially, but I wish there was something else we could do. So sad when my girls are in tears because they don't want to go. She smokes and that is a trigger for an asthma attack for the 3 year old. It put her in the hospital when she was 1 1/2, I left her side for 20 min and she was only there for 1 hour when it was a 3 day stay!!! Our 9 year old had surgery, knock you out surgery, last year and she did not show up. And if she was any type of descent human being, I would of picked pizza up and let the kids go see her for a lunch date after she was on bed rest for her surgery. Instead I get yelled at by her and her current husband.

Sunshine - posted on 08/31/2013

1

0

0

My children's bio mom just took off. I mean no phone call, no note, nothing. We picked them up for our court order visiting on Sunday to return them home on Tuesday to un-answered knocks. We tried again on Wednesday and Thursday. Only after leaving a note on the door with regards to filing for temp full custody did my husband receive a call at his job. She states she is in New York and doesn't know when she will return. She also stated to my husband: "How dare you take me to court?! You need to grow up!" ummm.. perhaps she needs to grow up. Who does this? I am really not sure how to feel about all of this. We have been back and forth to court fighting with this woman because she initiates mediation, she requests that we get less time with the kids. In June the judge gave us almost 50% custody which lowered her child support from $750. to $110. month... since then we've been getting mediation appointments, then she cancels (wastes our time).. and then THIS! WTF?!

Liz - posted on 08/13/2013

6

0

1

Yellow well at least that one seems a lil peaceful. Baby monster dosent get the point that I aint trying to replace her at all. I have kids of my own you feel me.. The son has me on facebook and when she looks through his stuff and finds me as his friend she goes ballistic.. She is not your mother U don't even have me there ect ect. That is why I do not aknowledge her. She will treat my husband like shit. My husband bought my ss his cleats for soccer she was mad that he didn't buy him 144 dollars cleats she said that his children are his priority like really so we are suppose to live in the street because its what u want not what we can afford. She is crazy. All she does is put my husband down... I love his kids and I will do anything for them just like he does mine. She dosent understand that I do not want to take her place I HAVE MY PLACE. She even told my husband that he cannot have more time with the girls because they don't want to spend time with me only with him. My husband asked the girls and they said that they never said that. They said they like t o have me around. Shes crazy..

Yellow - posted on 08/13/2013

63

81

5

Liz, I totally understand where you are coming from, and thank you for reminding me that I am not alone in BS drama. I agree with you that the ex's should be happy that we love the kids and treat them right. However, you and I both know that their priorities do not come down to the children and what is best for them. It all comes down to their own jealousy and how us step-mother's are trying to "replace" them. If they were as good of mothers as they like to think they are, they would never have insecurities about someone else taking their place, they would know that to their child they are irreplaceable. My husbands ex is decent to my face and we keep contact with one another very minimal and on an have to basis. If she needs to know about a meet time or arrangements that involve the kids, then that is the ONLY time she will call. She goes back and fourth between my husband and I. There are times she will call him regarding things, then there are others where she will call me first and speak to me about things, i dont know why she does it. I have no problems talking to her when it comes to the kids. If my husband cannot be at an exchange, then she knows I am the next person that needs to know and can relay the message to him. Usually, if she sends the kids to us with a note she will address it to my husband, which I feel is just fine because we keep everything for documentation purposes.

Liz - posted on 08/13/2013

6

0

1

Girl let me tell you that this kind of situations happen often. Talking from first hand experience my husband ex hates me for no reason. When I first started coming around she would ask whos car is this I need to know because my son is getting on it. DRAMA the whole nine yards. She has asked my husband for my number and he will not give it to her. I DO NOT SPEAK TO HER. I do not acknowledge her. She is something else. My husband has 4 kids with her. Three of the kids come visit. One of them stays with us every other weekend. We are trying to get more time with the girls. Before taking the decision of going back to court he asked her if he could spend more time with the girls she said no because the girls don't want me around. That he needs to spend time with them not me. My husband has asked the girls because we where going to make different kind of arrangements the girls say they have no problem with me. Infact when he has spent time with them alone they ask where am I. I have a lot of communication with the kids. I treat them good feed them ect. I don't understand why she has a problem with me. She should be happy I love her kids and treat them good. Well I ignore her and that phisses her off more. I don't speak to her or aknowledge her. She don't need to have my number the only person she should be contacting is my husband not me.. So you are not alone...

Alicia - posted on 08/09/2013

3

0

0

You are not the only one. I can relate. And I still can't find answers. Same boat, sister.

Yellow - posted on 07/17/2013

63

81

5

Thank you, Katrina. It is very hard. The woman that I am dealing with has claimed to authorities that I have abused her children. When we got the phone call from CPS, my heart hit the floor and I just started crying. I could not believe that someone would be so jealous of me, so bitter and unhappy with herself that she would make a false lie just to try and take the kids away from my husband and I, when she knows for a fact we have never hurt the children, she knows that the kids love us and are happy with us. It makes me sick.

Katrina - posted on 07/17/2013

29

5

4

Yellow Rose my hat is off to you.. I wish my kids had a step mother like that! I am a step mother myself and adore my 5 children equally (my own 3 and my 2 step) My husband has had the kids since they were 18 months and they are now almost 15.. thankfully i dont have much contact with their Bio mom... she took off a few years ago for greener pastures and only pops up when she wants money or something.. Sad.. i cant imagine leaving any of my kids that way.. but i guess each person looks at things differently. I am Enjoying the roll of step mom (they actually call me mom) and it happened naturally and when they wanted it to.. i adore them and wish everyone would just stop and look at what the kids go though for a change.. It really should be about the kids and not egos or getting even.

Blonde - posted on 07/16/2013

1

0

0

What about all the step mothers who love their step children as their own, support their step children in every aspect, financially, emotionally, in school, in sports, etc. What about those step mothers whom continuously get bashed by the BM because she is just jealous and unhappy herself... those step mothers whose feelings are constantly stomped on!

Katrina - posted on 07/14/2013

29

5

4

I am going to flip that... why cant step moms back off and let the mom and dad handle the issues? And i say this as a person who had a step mom... is a step mom and my children have a step mom.. I have never once said an unkind or bad thing about my ex or his wife, but they continuously call me a slut and other names to my children (who are 19, 18 and 16) and the 18 year old is an autistic girl... he does not pay child support (but my kids dont know that, its not their business or problem) and i would never... ever put the others down. However... their step mom called my youngest (who just turned 16) a cunt and a bitch to her face, and let her daughter (who is 18) beat the crap out of her to the point my daughter called me begging to come home from a visitation. This woman constantly calls myself and my chidren names and im expected to be nice and friendly to her? I do... because its not fair to my children, but my kids are all getting old enough to see what is going on and they dont want anything to do with their dad or his wife (whom they refer to as step monster). I think its sad that she is not able to put aside her feelings and let someone love her children... i would welcome a step mom who cared for my children and worked with me to raise them and show them love and compassion.. can i just say, i wish you were the kind of step mom my kids had!

Yellow - posted on 07/05/2013

63

81

5

Bernie,
I am sorry that you have to deal with someone like her. If I were you, I would just let her get in trouble with the school board. If her children miss too much school and they become truant, and if they are in her custody, it will fall on her and then she will go to jail which could then cause her to lose custody all together. You could get an order that does not allow her to come into your home, or if she picks them up from you, you can request that an officer do a civil standby. I deal with a horrible ex wife, but she is too much of a coward to ever confront my husband and I to our face, she chooses to take stabs behind the shield of her attorney or through CPS. You have every right to be respected and especially in your own home.

Bernie - posted on 07/05/2013

2

0

0

How do you deal with a bm that attacks you for any little thing? She has yelled and screamed at my husband and at me because of various stupid things. For example she came into my house to get their 3 kids and was mad as I had the boys doing school work that they were behind on. She yelled that she wanted to take them to her family picknick. I asked her how she thought a family pic nick was more important than a childs education. Oh boy, she screamed and yelled at me and then stomped out. Don't even talk to her about schooling for the kids. She knows best and that is that. No metioning two of the boys she took out and is homeschooling have both flunked out and now she is coming up with her own scope and sequence to teach them on her own. The one failed 7th grade, the other 8th, and yet when asked she is putting both in the same grade (9th). When asked how we prove that I get a snotty email from her 64 year old husband that if I didn't stop asking he was going to get harrasment charges against me and email the whole conversation to the authorities. So......I did the only thing I knew to do and forwarded it to the authorities and local public school. Let them know that both boys had misseda month or more of schooling and that this was educational neglect. Any advice would be great here. I haven't mentioned so much. My head just spins when I think of it and my heart goes out to the kids and my husband. I would have been locked up if I had to deal with her on a daily basis.

Yellow - posted on 06/26/2013

63

81

5

Megan,
I am like you, and I only hope that as my step-children get older that it will begin to calm down. I like to think that it only happens right now because they are young and the bio mom believes that her children are "two young" to understand what she is doing. Hopefully, as the children get older, she will realize that they will not want a relationship with her if she keeps it up. Once the children are 18, she has no control over them anymore and what they choose to do is up to them and whether or not they choose to see her or speak to her again is solely up to them. So, I would like to think that once they are 18 and that control is gone, she might take it easy. I believe a lot of it has to do with control issues (not all bio moms are like this). My husbands ex has severe control issues, and she is nice and cordial as long as she holds the rains and it benefits her. So, if my husband and I ever want something out of the ordinary or not written in our decree, we must ask her but we also word it and remind her how it will benefit her, and usually as long as we do that, she is willing... normally not any other time. She hates to be proven wrong. She does not admit her mistakes but instead twists things and tries to change them so someone else can seem to be at fault. People like this, in general do not change... however the side that they choose for their kids to see can be different. They don't want to seem like the bad guy to their child.

My husband and I are very open and honest with his kids. It is okay to be honest and state things that are true and that does not count as "bad mouthing". Bad mouthing is what is told to them that isn't true. For example: Once my step-son had a meeting for his boy scouts that he wanted his dad to come to, since he does not live with us that is something his grandfather takes him to do. Well, he asked his mother why his daddy didn't come, she told him "because he was too busy for you and didn't want to come" (that is an example of bad mouthing, she told her child something false about his father in attempt to make his dad look bad to his son.) We explained to him that we had no clue because his mother never told us about the event and that she had lied to him, but if she had told him he would've tried to come. We then explained to him that since his daddy lives 3 hours away, he cannot always come to everything and that he can spend quality time with his grandfather because there are plenty of things they they do together as father and son when he is with us and that it is okay.

This woman has two older children from a previous marriage, they are now getting the age where they are understanding to what their mother is doing. The oldest is 16 years old, she is not allowed to text or call her father and talk to him without her standing right there, she will even check her text messages with him and read everything. All conversations must be on speaker phone. This 16 year old could not be friends with her own father on facebook unless her mother was friends with him so she could check and make sure nothing bad is being said about her on FB. So, I would like to think that some women change, but I am not sure that they all do. They do not think their children will realize what they are doing, they believe that just because she raised them and they lived with her that they will always prefer her and be on her side. What she hasn't told her children is that she has kept their father from them and only allows them to see him when timing is good. This man stopped calling his kids because she controls all their contact with him and got tired of only being able to talk to them on her terms. So now, when he is allowed to see them (without her there), he is able to talk to them and explain things, and they see it too.

Its very sad.

Yellow - posted on 06/26/2013

63

81

5

Chrisdee, I can see where you are coming from. I am sorry that you had a bad experience as a child and had to go through a divorce. However, please do not assume that I have no consideration for my kids. I personally have never experienced a divorce, and I do take into consideration how my step-children feel. It cannot be easy at any age to feel negativity simply because you love someone. I have seen what the negativity and tension has done to my step-children, that is why I continue to refrain from saying anything about their mother. I find it even more upsetting when the person that birthed these innocent children is the one doing the harm (no this is not all bio moms, but my situation at hand). That is great that your mother was able to put you and your siblings first, that is how things should be from all sides.

My children on the other hand are 7 1/2 and just 5, and they already see that their mother and grandmother are not nice people, that is very sad coming from children whom do not have the skills or life experience to handle their situation. When my step-children are being told on a daily basis that I am a fall down drunk and a slut and that their father used to beat their mother, what kind of mind set is that giving them? Certainly not positive. What kind of person would make up false statements about their childs father just to turn them against them, sounds like someone else has the issues if they refuse to allow their children that they chose to have with that person. For the record, my husband never once laid a hand on his ex wife, that is just something she made up to have her parents feel sorry for her so they would be more accepting to her divorce (they are christians and do not believe in divorce, so to be approving to mommy and daddy she had to lie to them. What kind of morals is she teaching her children? Not good ones.

I am sorry that you did not get the answers you might have been looking for, but really, if the women on here want to share their experiences with others, that is up to them, good or bad, I am not here to judge them or to belittle them to think that how they feel isn't right or wrong. I put my children first through all things, which is why I come here to discuss my issues with other women that know what I am going through, my children don't read this. Everytime their mother says something derogatory about my husband or I, I put a smile on my face and show them that I am able to brush it off and I don't let it bother me because being with them is what makes my day better... while on the inside I am hurting. I am hurting because someone who does not know me is not only trying to hurt me, but is hurting her own children who are not to blame for any of this, two children that just want to love everyone and have to be put through crap because they happen to have a mother that is selfish and only cares about her own selfish feelings. I praise the people out their bio or step, that are able to set the two apart and put the children first. I can bad mouth their mother and grandmother all day long, but will I do it to them? No, not in a million years. They are beginning to see what kind of people they are, and as my kids get older, they will only see more.

Chrisdee - posted on 06/22/2013

34

0

1

Yellow Rose, I did not accuse you of creating a post to "bash" anyone; however, that is what is occurring none the less. Not saying you are responsible for the negativity either. We all must own our own circumstances and issues. I came to this site searching for perspective. I personally have a step mother (my parents divorced when I was 15 and my father remarried 4 months later). My step parent ( I refuse to refer to this female as a mother) treated myself and my younger sister horribly, and it has severely damaged our relationship with my father. My bio mom never once said an ill word about her or my father, and eventually, I came to my own conclusions regarding her as an individual, as well as my father. I made the personal decision as an adult to let my father and step be as she brought far too much drama and dysfunction to my life. That said, even the title of the post "bio mother vs step mother" is adversarial. As a recently divorced parent, whose ex married the woman with which he had an affair, I came in search of perspective. I actually hoped to find positive feedback about how to forge positive and successful, familial relationships. I find it disheartening and truly sad to think that other children are experiencing what I did as a child. I refuse to perpetuate dysfunction with my children. I just don't see the positive in degrading a child's biological or step parent. Finally, I can assure you that the children are experiencing ten times what the parents (bio or step) are expressing. They love BOTH, but are torn by the negativity. If you believe being a step parent is hard. IMAGINE how difficult it is being the step child, who still loves the parent that you feel to be unsuitable or inadequate. If you find it difficult to navigate as an adult, please consider that a child does not even have the skills or life experience to begin to do so. Your relationship with either the bio or step mother is totally separate from theirs. They do not share your sentiments, and they have no choice.

Megan - posted on 06/19/2013

6

0

0

So does it actually get better when stepkids become adults. I have been a stepmom for 6 1/2 years and sometimes I really hate my life and its solely based on what I have to endure with biomom. I've heard alot say just cause they are 18 and out of the house doesn't mean it gets better, the biomom will still be around.

Ami - posted on 06/12/2013

192

2

59

Thank you all! I really needed to be reminded tonight that I wasn't in this alone.

Yellow - posted on 06/12/2013

63

81

5

For the record, I did not create this to "bash" bio mothers Chrisdee. I was simply venting and speaking out to others who can agree and understand as to what I might be going through. I have no issues with women that have children of their own, I understand that not all birth mothers are vicious, evil or bitter. However, it is just from my own personal experience, and apparently I am not alone, which would explain all the other ladies here that have voiced their opinion.

I want to thank all of you that have responded and provided feedback and shared your own stories, I realize it is not easy and nor do I foresee it becoming that way anytime soon as long as men and women continue to divorce and more and more of them share joint parenting/custody.

Emily - posted on 06/12/2013

13

0

0

To Candace:
Way to go! I know some women think that just because they gave birth to a child it makes it their God given Right to be called Mom! A "real" mom is there for tummy aches, middle of the night fevers, tantrums, PTA, birthday parties, school functions, etc. Stepmoms earn their title! My step kids call me mom and the last time they saw their BM they called her by her name. My husband told her when she asked, "do the kids call her(meaning me) mom?" He answered,"Yes because she's there you're not." That was over a year ago. She hasn't seen them since. These women are stupid, they have great kids with great guys and then they decide they want to do whatever they want(party, drugs, etc.) and that kids just cramp their style. And when these guys leave and get custody of the kids and meet awesome women (that's us!) they get all jealous and stupid. Hang in there you're an awesome breed!

Stephanie - posted on 06/12/2013

1

0

0

This can happen in reverse too. Not all biological moms are awful.

I happen to be a very non-confrontational person. For long periods of my life, I let people run all over me and push me around. When I finally got the guts to divorce my ex-husband (who was horrible) I took our two daughters - then an infant and a toddler. He decided that since I left, he would blow every bit of money we had, tank our family business and put us in a devastating amount of debt, and then not pay child support and hardly visit the girls for two years. He only started paying child support because he wanted to get re-married and go to Mexico for a honeymoon, but his driver's license had been revoked for non-payment of child support. He couldn't get a passport until he started paying me, so his fiancee made him start paying. She also began demanding to see the girls - which I had to adhere to because the of the custody order. He is allowed every other weekend.

Then the bullying began. She got on Facebook and started posting about how horrible I was....making him have to pay all that child support when he was struggling....and almost ruining their honeymoon. She picked on me every chance she got. Once, I wore a Northface jacket, and she posted online that I was selfish and made my kids wear "junk" while I wore expensive jackets. She didn't know it, but I had won the Northface jacket in a contest at work. I was thrilled when I got it for free, because otherwise I would have never been able to afford it. I was in that situation where I made too much for government assistance, but not enough to pay my rent AND car payment. So I sold what little I had left and kept a roof over our heads. I ate a lot of ramen noodles....so much that my body was sickly and I bruised from barely being touched. But I made sure my kids ate healthy. And as far as my kids wearing "junk"....well that's just not true either. Yes, they wore coats from Target and not a designer brand, but I'd hardly call them junk. The girls picked them out themselves and loved them!

I never fought back at her online, because I felt it was childish and I don't like posting things for the world to read. I'm a private person. But one day, weary of seeing her posts about me, I contacted her via inbox message and asked her to stop. I asked her why she felt that we had to be enemies when all I really wanted was to put the past behind me. I told her I just wanted my daughters to feel happy and loved, and not be in the middle of a war. I asked her to give me a chance before she judged me. She agreed wholeheartedly, and practically made it sound like it was her idea for us to be on friendly terms.

It lasted about a year. I think women like this just WANT the drama and are so eaten up with hate and jealousy that it consumes them. I'm now being blamed because my ex got a vasectomy after our second child was born and she cannot have a child with him. I'm also being blamed because the children are older and are involved in extracurricular activities this summer, and they can't get the girls on the weeks they want to. Its MY fault that our oldest wants to go to Cheer Camp, and they are both active in gymnastics and horseback riding. She blew up at me again, blasting me for keeping them "too busy". She said I need to make their father's wishes the #1 priority, over any summer activities. She blasted me for hiring a babysitter to watch them over summer break, saying they should have been able to have the girls....but when I asked her who would watch them while she and my ex worked, she said, "A babysitter." All the while, my ex has been 100% silent. He won't say a word, he won't ask for more time with the girls, he doesn't express displeasure in the custody arrangement....nothing. Its all HER.

As I said, its not always the biological Mom. Some of us are decent people. And if you're wondering.....YES. I let that b**ch AND my ex HAVE it this time!!! I refuse to continue to be bullied! I've been pretty much their sole parent for their entire lives, and there's no way I'm going to let this woman belittle me for all of my efforts. I have two wonderful daughters who are happy - because of ME and the sacrifices I've made. I'm proud of how far we've come and the tough times we made it through, and how close my girls are to me. And that's something she can never take away from me.

Emily - posted on 06/10/2013

13

0

0

My kids unfortunately have a deadbeat mom. Although in her #%|~> mind she thinks she's the best mom in the world. She in arearrage in child support. She got ticked off over a year ago cuz our youngest (my stepson) asked at the end of his visit with his biomom "is mommy (meaning me) going to be home when I get there?" This child doesn't even remember her! I came into his life when he was 11 months old! The mom hasn't seen them in over a year! I'm with you in how angry you get over the lack of concern over you stepchildren from the biomom!
Just because you pop a kid out doesn't make you a mom! Even the oldest doesn't talk about her mom anymore! Both kids call me mom! I really wish this mom would just sign off and let me adopt the children but that won't happen.

Teresa - posted on 06/05/2013

2

0

0

@ Chrisdee Bowman
Just because you tell your own story about being a step parent does not mean you are bashing someone else, one of the hardest things to do is to be a step-mom or parent. I have a wonderful husband that is a terrific father and the bio mom is useless. The point is not that my husband at some point picked her as you say but that her poor behavior as a parent has affected the children and our family as a whole. People are on here because they probably feel alone and are looking for someone who can relate to what they are going through.....as you yourself must have done or why else would you been looking for and found this site! :-)

Teresa - posted on 06/05/2013

2

0

0

2 years later and you are still not alone. I have been raising my 3 step children for the last 8 years every since their bio mom went A-wall, however every now and then when her life becomes boring she calls and creates drama in our home and her never ending point that she is and will always be her kids birth mother and me just pretty much the full time baby sitter. did I mention it has been 7&1/2 years since she has seen her kids until this past December 2 of the oldest at 19 and 17 went to see her for a week in FL. one has not seen her since and the other lived with her for 2 months and is now back in SC. because she said he is draining her bank account and she cant afford him! she owes right at $30,000.00 in back child support and is not paying any child support! Yes this is your real life dead beat mom!

Tonya - posted on 06/01/2013

4

34

3

I am also a bio mom and a step mom. My son's step mom is very mean to him when he goes to visit his dad. (Her and my son's dad have another child together) She makes sure my son knows that the other child does no wrong, she tells him she hates him, and he just cries and begs not to go with his dad when he sees his step mom is there at the exchanges. So I know she must treat him terrible in order for him to react this way. And what's sad is that his biological dad allows it to happen, apparently, or doesn't know it's happening. Since my ex and I split I made it a rule to NEVER discuss the situation in the presence of my child. I don't talk negative to him about his dad or his step-mom and I always try to encourage him to have fun and be positive about his visits, even though he absolutely hates them, always has, and begs me not to make him go.

I also acquired two step-daughters when I remarried. All three of our children are very close to each other. However, the girls biological mom hates me. Although I have never been unpleasant to her, always respected her wishes when it came to the girls. She has done some horrible things. When she knows we are taking the boat and camper to the lake she tries to scare the girls by telling them horror stories about little kids falling off boats and drowing in the water, fish biting them when they play at the beach and storms blowing the camper away, so when we take them they spend the first day there nervous and needing constantly reassured they are safe. We farm and ranch for a living, and I ride horses as a hobby, so she is constantly trying to tell them negative things about that lifestyle and scare them about those things as well. She refuses to send their perscription allergy medicine with them to our house as she feels we are not competent to administer the medicine appropriately to them, so we had to go over her head to the girls doctor to get medications to have here for them to make sure they were taken care of and comfortable and allergy symptom free while spending days with us. Her most recent attack was cutting both the girls hair off so they looked like boys (literally they both have hair as short if not shorter than my little boys hair) and informed them that she cut their hair off so I couldn't curl it or fix their hair anymore. She is constantly saying negative things to them about myself and their dad and trying to turn me into the "wicked step-mother" stereotype in their eyes.

It makes a person, both as a biological mother with a child in a step-parent situation as well as a step-parent, feel helpless and hopeless. Although I wish my son's step-mom would treat my son the way I treat my step-daughters, with the same love and compassion and caring that I do my own biological child, (I even consider them my own, I mean what could be better, free kids without the pain of bringing them into this world!! :) Woo hoo!!) The most important thing to remember is the kids. Both as the step or bio parent you ALWAYS have to keep THEIR best interests in mind, always love them no matter how hurt you feel inside or angry, and never let yourself stoop down to the "enemies" level and do to the kids what the other parent is doing or appear to be doing. I've been dropping my child off for visitiatons with his dad and step-mom for over two years now and I still cry when I get back in the car because I have had to hand my child over who is screaming and crying "no mommy no don't leave me here, don't make me go! No mommy no!" And I cry when my step-daughters come in looking like little boys and inform me their mom cut their hair so I couldn't curl it anymore, it's a horribly hopeless feeling, but you just have to GIVE IT TO GOD and keep loving those kids!

Chrisdee - posted on 05/30/2013

34

0

1

It appears that these posts offer very little advice or support, but more of an opportunity for "bashing" and generalizations. I would like to suggest that not all biological mothers are the nightmares represented here. I suspect that similar poor experiences might be reported by some biological mothers in dealing with step moms as well. All I am saying is that the poor behavior has nothing to do with jealousy of your relationship with their ex or some ill fated vendetta against the new step parent. It all boils down to poor behavior period! Steps, I would also like to suggest that the ridiculous females you despise as biological mothers were at some point CHOSEN by your now "evolved" spouse to parent their children. Relationships end. Bad behavior existed before the end. Behaving badly is not a reflection of parental status (biological or step), but of poor personal character. I too made a poor choice in ex spouse, and he is the father of our children. He was definitely not a nice person to me during or even after our 12 year marriage. I have no interest in him or his current life at all. I do have an interest in the lives of our children. If I had it to do over, I would have chosen differently, but you live and learn. That said, realize that your now dream man may have been her nightmare.

Mommy - posted on 04/28/2013

2

0

0

Seeing all of these posts from step moms makes me feel I am not alone in this! I am a step mother of 2 amazing kids (6 & 4). Their bio mom is a real peach. I have been a step mom for a little over a year and let me tell you that it's been a hell of a year. When I first came into the picture, my step daughter told me I wasn't part of the family, I wasn't her mom and you can imagine all that was said. My step son had no problems with me at all. Bio mom was in and out of their lives as she pleased. Has tried numerous times over the course of a year to kill herself and has lived with numerous boyfriends. She has had ample opportunities to get her life together, we ask nothing of her. Only that she get it together for the kids. The kids have come so far and I'm so proud of how well they have adjusted to all the changes. My step daughter is 6 and is starting to see all the things her mom does and doesn't do. She has noticed mommy has lots of boyfriends. All I can say to her is thay when she is older she will understand. I do not believe that it is my place to explain her mother's decisions. Bio mom lives about 3 hrs away. She lives by the seat of her pants. She will call 2 days before and say she wants the kids to visit. Ok, no problem. We get things packed and send the kids with just enough clothes for the amount of days they are there. I do laundry many times during the week and feel if she needs more clothes that she is welcome to wash them or buy them some clothes. The clothes always come back horrid! Full of stains and sometimes they don't even come back. It's so frustrating. I know it is just material things but if she can't manage such small tasks how does she expect to someday step into her full time mommy shoes? She's a no show most times and is always late. She has a terrible attitude with everyone, her excuse is that she's having a bad day. Everyday? Wow. I just do my best to bite my tongue with her for the sake of the kids. I am reaping the benefits of being the mom figure. I get the hugs and kisses and all the I love you's. Being a step mom is the hardest thing I've ever done. I love my husband and my step kids dearly. Thanks to bio moms decisions , I have gained an amazing family. She can't stand the fact that we are a very happy, active , positive and loving family. Hopefully someday she will wake up and be a parent.I just don't understand how someone doesn't have money to buy their children clothing or hygiene supplies for when they stay the weekend's but they have money for getting their nails done and hair done. We work very hard to provide for the kids. We have physical custody and before I came into the picture my husband had the. She does not pay childsupport or even offer to help out. There's so much more that I could go on and on. Stay strong step moms! I guarantee that all your love, support and hard work will pay off. Always be the bigger person, I know it's hard to be respectful to someone who wants you to fail and cause misery but in the end it will only hurt the kids if you choose the lower road. Everyday is a learning experience

Candace - posted on 03/29/2013

1

0

0

After many years of dealing with a very bad bio mom, I am finally free. My stepkids are grown, and I feel freedom. I'm sad to say that I'm ok watching them leave because of the relief I will feel without their mother in my life anymore. I love my stepkids, we have had custody of them for many years, but, I have done my job, I got them where they are today, and I am proud of them, and proud to say that I raised them. I love them dearly. Its been 15 years. But I am free of raising children with that monster. Now, I can enjoy my kids in an adult relationship. I am ready to let that burden go. The bio mother is a drug user. that is why we got custody, so you can imagine the mess we have had to deal with all of these years. Just had to vent. Maybe this is the therapy I needed during all those years of biting my tongue for the sake of my kids. She has been a cancer to all of us, and continues to be in the lives of her own family, and my poor kids. But, I am free. I don't say this easily. I feel like I am abandoning them. But I have accepted that I am not. They will always be her children. That is their cross to bear, and I can't do anything about it, I can't save them from that. I love them so much. Thanks for letting me vent.

Justine - posted on 03/26/2013

7

0

0

Elizabeth,

I feel what you are going through. The Bio mother is doing these things on spite to hurt your husband. With not caring or thinking how it will affect the child/children. Because she has a lack of respect for your husband, everything she does when it comes to the kids and there father, including you, it will be done with jealousy, anger etc. because she just doesn't care of the outcome. She just wants him to suffer. You, the kids, and your husband are the victims in her issues against her ex. And what I've learned is the husbands in this type of issues were never the problem, the problem is the ex and her psychological issues that she has stirred up in her head and are problems she needs to work out in order for there to be any change. Sorry all of you have to go through this.

Elizabeth - posted on 02/24/2013

7

0

1

Evelyn:
Thank you for your post. The answer is yes I do know both sides I feel it important that I knew just so I had a clear understanding of what was in store. Its hard to put everything in writing here. But if a BM is going to set examples of foul language manipulate call other parents names exct.... Then call us and tell us how to run our house hold all the while hers is out of control. I don't allow south park or Nevis and butt head for a 12yr old to watch or a free for all Internet you tube has nasty stuff. Her house allows this she tells her children not to tell us..this came about due to it being turned on when I walked in the room and I was told they are allowed to watch it.Upon asking mom she said oh no their not. The children said they don't know why she is saying that she has it recorded for them. They got in trouble at her house for telling us she lets them watch it. When her profession is to council kids and parents? This is just another small example of what goes on.. my youngest stepson said he got a loud talking to by her that someone told her he called me mom. This has never happened ever he uses my name he asked who told you that because its not true she has no answer. Its constant like this its almost like messing with there heads.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms