BIO Mother VS Step Mother

Mommy - posted on 04/28/2013

Seeing all of these posts from step moms makes me feel I am not alone in this! I am a step mother of 2 amazing kids (6 & 4). Their bio mom is a real peach. I have been a step mom for a little over a year and let me tell you that it's been a hell of a year. When I first came into the picture, my step daughter told me I wasn't part of the family, I wasn't her mom and you can imagine all that was said. My step son had no problems with me at all. Bio mom was in and out of their lives as she pleased. Has tried numerous times over the course of a year to kill herself and has lived with numerous boyfriends. She has had ample opportunities to get her life together, we ask nothing of her. Only that she get it together for the kids. The kids have come so far and I'm so proud of how well they have adjusted to all the changes. My step daughter is 6 and is starting to see all the things her mom does and doesn't do. She has noticed mommy has lots of boyfriends. All I can say to her is thay when she is older she will understand. I do not believe that it is my place to explain her mother's decisions. Bio mom lives about 3 hrs away. She lives by the seat of her pants. She will call 2 days before and say she wants the kids to visit. Ok, no problem. We get things packed and send the kids with just enough clothes for the amount of days they are there. I do laundry many times during the week and feel if she needs more clothes that she is welcome to wash them or buy them some clothes. The clothes always come back horrid! Full of stains and sometimes they don't even come back. It's so frustrating. I know it is just material things but if she can't manage such small tasks how does she expect to someday step into her full time mommy shoes? She's a no show most times and is always late. She has a terrible attitude with everyone, her excuse is that she's having a bad day. Everyday? Wow. I just do my best to bite my tongue with her for the sake of the kids. I am reaping the benefits of being the mom figure. I get the hugs and kisses and all the I love you's. Being a step mom is the hardest thing I've ever done. I love my husband and my step kids dearly. Thanks to bio moms decisions , I have gained an amazing family. She can't stand the fact that we are a very happy, active , positive and loving family. Hopefully someday she will wake up and be a parent.I just don't understand how someone doesn't have money to buy their children clothing or hygiene supplies for when they stay the weekend's but they have money for getting their nails done and hair done. We work very hard to provide for the kids. We have physical custody and before I came into the picture my husband had the. She does not pay childsupport or even offer to help out. There's so much more that I could go on and on. Stay strong step moms! I guarantee that all your love, support and hard work will pay off. Always be the bigger person, I know it's hard to be respectful to someone who wants you to fail and cause misery but in the end it will only hurt the kids if you choose the lower road. Everyday is a learning experience

Candace - posted on 03/29/2013

After many years of dealing with a very bad bio mom, I am finally free. My stepkids are grown, and I feel freedom. I'm sad to say that I'm ok watching them leave because of the relief I will feel without their mother in my life anymore. I love my stepkids, we have had custody of them for many years, but, I have done my job, I got them where they are today, and I am proud of them, and proud to say that I raised them. I love them dearly. Its been 15 years. But I am free of raising children with that monster. Now, I can enjoy my kids in an adult relationship. I am ready to let that burden go. The bio mother is a drug user. that is why we got custody, so you can imagine the mess we have had to deal with all of these years. Just had to vent. Maybe this is the therapy I needed during all those years of biting my tongue for the sake of my kids. She has been a cancer to all of us, and continues to be in the lives of her own family, and my poor kids. But, I am free. I don't say this easily. I feel like I am abandoning them. But I have accepted that I am not. They will always be her children. That is their cross to bear, and I can't do anything about it, I can't save them from that. I love them so much. Thanks for letting me vent.

Justine - posted on 03/26/2013

Elizabeth,

I feel what you are going through. The Bio mother is doing these things on spite to hurt your husband. With not caring or thinking how it will affect the child/children. Because she has a lack of respect for your husband, everything she does when it comes to the kids and there father, including you, it will be done with jealousy, anger etc. because she just doesn't care of the outcome. She just wants him to suffer. You, the kids, and your husband are the victims in her issues against her ex. And what I've learned is the husbands in this type of issues were never the problem, the problem is the ex and her psychological issues that she has stirred up in her head and are problems she needs to work out in order for there to be any change. Sorry all of you have to go through this.

Brianna - posted on 03/26/2013

I agree completely.

Elizabeth - posted on 02/24/2013

Evelyn:
Thank you for your post. The answer is yes I do know both sides I feel it important that I knew just so I had a clear understanding of what was in store. Its hard to put everything in writing here. But if a BM is going to set examples of foul language manipulate call other parents names exct.... Then call us and tell us how to run our house hold all the while hers is out of control. I don't allow south park or Nevis and butt head for a 12yr old to watch or a free for all Internet you tube has nasty stuff. Her house allows this she tells her children not to tell us..this came about due to it being turned on when I walked in the room and I was told they are allowed to watch it.Upon asking mom she said oh no their not. The children said they don't know why she is saying that she has it recorded for them. They got in trouble at her house for telling us she lets them watch it. When her profession is to council kids and parents? This is just another small example of what goes on.. my youngest stepson said he got a loud talking to by her that someone told her he called me mom. This has never happened ever he uses my name he asked who told you that because its not true she has no answer. Its constant like this its almost like messing with there heads.

Evelyn - posted on 02/24/2013

I begin to wonder if there are any good posts for both Bio Moms and Step Moms. It seems like most of this is about the negative of it all.

A question: THere are two sides to everything, does everyone know both sides?

I have never been able to get on an even level with my kids' step mom because she heard the whole story from my ex-husband. THat is all she knows. She finds me a problem because I am in the picture for my kids. I have done nothing to this woman except not agree on a few things where my kids were concerned and the those things were major decisions that my ex and I had to decide on. (Joint Custody).

I was just wondering.

Elizabeth - posted on 02/24/2013

Hello I just joined this site today due to me being at wits end as a step mom. I'm also a mom of 3 sons ages 26 a deputy sheriff a21 yr old son in police academy and 19 in junior college for the same field. However I now have a 15 and 12yr old step sons so its oblivious I have some expertise in boys. I must say I'm having issues with the mom. Now mind you my sons have a step mother Whom I get along with very well including family dinners and visits at our homes my sons treat her with respect and she treats my sons very well.

My new bio mom lets just say her boys let me know I'm referred to as the B---h and other choice words. She is remarried and 2 new children with the man she left my now husband for. She works for the woman's refuge in our county as a child parent educator. Since day one I have kept my distance from the kids sports games that I new she attended. I really honestly don't know why she has had a problem with me. I get along great with the boys treat them like I would my own

But please let my tell you what has continued to happen. Yes I drive a Mercedes which I had prior to getting remarried. My husband drove my sons BMW to her house to drop of clothes; my son was was using the truck. 30 min after the drop off the phone rings the mom on the other end shouting out what have to show off a new f;n car full language used what maybe I should have you f;n support raised and so on. Just crazy stuff based on a assumption. She has called my husband stating I have said things to her son's when the boys are asked by there father their like what are you talking about I never told mom anything like that dad.
Newest issue 15 yr old has been telling mom I want to live at dads side note here my husband legally adopted her child when he was 3 my husband has been with him since 5months old. Anyway just this week she tells us she thinks they should get together and let him know he's adopted. We agreed but hadent set a time to get together and fully discuss it. That very night her and her husband just blurted it out to the son without my husband being there. After an entire blow up from the son emotional that is he went to his room to process. The mother proceeded to tell the 12yr old brother that her reason for telling his brother about his adoption is because me the stemom said he asked me about it. The 12 yr old replys how could he have asked her when he never even knew about it? She had no reply to her younger son. The next day was our day to have the boys on our week. My husband has been in tears all weekend for her doing this in this manner to their son. The son has been quiet and distant all week and tells I don't want to talk about anything. My husband feels his son due to finding out he is adopted by his father is upset and cut off for now. What type of person contradicts themselves in this manner and hurts a child and father in this way???

For the first time in 3 yrs I did send a text to the mom telling her how unbelievable and
cruel that was and how dear her tell the younger boy a lie that I had ever said anything about the son being adopted to her to justify her horrid actions. How can she have the job she does but treat and do these things to her older children. I need help advice I'm at a loss.

Karen - posted on 02/15/2013

Funny thing about this topic, is its very dear to my heart. I had two beautiful daughters, who were 4 and 5 yrs old, when my husband and I divorced. He had never been a good Dad, he was absent and he got short tempered with the girls when he was rarely home and they were so excited to see him. And I was also neglected by him. And in time I asked for a divorce, thinking I could go home to my family with my children.

What I didn't realize, was that in the time of my absence during my 6 yr marriage, my entire family had undergone a serious change. And when we divorced, we agreed, as I was a very reasonable person, that he could have the girls for the summer, and I would keep them for the school year. I did not want to keep my children from their father, so there was never any question about denying him his rights. We divorced in early May.

He took custody first, as it was summer, fine. I went home to try to rebuild my life. I found a family in shambles, and what I could get together, someone else stole from me. It went so far as to say my own sister called my now ex-husband's 2nd wife and told her to not let me have my children, because that made my sister happy, to see me so unhappy.

My ex-husbands 2nd wife, was, needless to say, transported with joy. She didn't like me and the idea of sharing a family in the first place. So she was suddenly totally justified in taking my children and hiding them from me for over 12 years. And all the while, telling them their 'birth mother' had abandoned them. There is also the weirdness that my ex-husband remarried in less than like 3 months. Who does that? I've been divorced for over 25 years and wouldn't consider re-marrying.

But while I was fighting like mad to stay alive in the vipers den my family had become, I was counting myself blessed, because my children were not involved in the horrible mess my family had become. i was very conflicted. I knew they were being taken care of, albeit by people I didnt approve of.. but I couldnt say yeah or nay because I didnt have the means to do anything about it.

Their 'step-mother', aka MOM, (I've now become the Birth Mother), showed her true stripe to me, when she smiled, with a particularly evil grin, something smug and leering..and announced I was the good breeding stock of a particularly good looking couple of girl children and .... and ... shit.. and I knew she was one creepy, mean spirited, bitch. But I was helpless. For a long, long, time.

I am no longer helpless. I have worked, and fought, and made something of myself, in spite of my crazy families desire to see me as a hooker or something equally repulsive.. I never caved, I kept fighting. I have a great job, and make a very good salary.

Get between a woman and her children... not a good place to be.

Shell - posted on 02/10/2013

Lindsey... You will see on here varying opinions. Mine is that if your step daughter loves you and knows that you are step and not bio.. but loves you enuf to want to call you that? Well than YOU EARNED IT! Go for it. You are not "making" or "pressuring"... Nowadays kids DO have 2 moms and 2 dads. My son (step but we don't use that generally) just came home the other day with a paper from school saying they talked about families and traditions and how some families have 2 moms and 2 dads. YUP!!! Like it or not that is the way our society is becoming. Split and blended families. Let her love you like a Mom and love her like a daughter and all will be well in your world! =)

Danielle - posted on 02/10/2013

i am the bio mom in this case and i just went through the same exact situation ive been going through a custody battle with my daughters father and her step mom for the past three years and just recently before i got unsupervised visits my daughter was in icu on all kinds of tubes and stuff to help her breath because she wasnt breathing on her own she five now so its not like shes and infant so for her to not be able to breath on her own is horrific .her step mother and i went back and forth back and forth after she told me that i couldnt see my daughter in icu because the legal papers said that i could only see her supervised i flipped my one and only daughter is in icu and i cant come see her ??????she said that they told the staff of the hospital that if i were to come there for them to call the police .......lol!!!!!!i was furiouse at this point and there was no way that i was going to let herrrrr word of mouth get me down i went to the hospital still after what she told me and i spoke to a social worker and cryed while speaking to her and everything ......mind you ive never been abusive to my child or anything of that sort at all ....while crying i looked straight into the social workers eyes and asked her if she thought just by looking at me that i would be of any harm to my daughter ?????she said' no mam i dont from the looks of it if you didnt care about her you wouldnt have come all the way up here after hearing what you heard just to get turned down again ........i said i miss my daughter and i love her sooo much.......she said im sorry mam i really wish i could let you go see her but the papers say.........i stopped her and said i know ,its ok ......she said is there anything else i can help you with and i said no thank you ...you have a good day i said and i got up and walked away ...........that was last year 2012 now ive been able to get my daughter on the weekends fro the past 2 months i faught long and hard for unsupervised visitation and im not goiing to stop until shes back in my care full time

Shell - posted on 01/29/2013

Do u get along with BM??

Lindsey - posted on 01/29/2013

But the one person I care about hurting is my step daughters feeling ;(

Lindsey - posted on 01/29/2013

What should I do if my step daughter wants to call me mom.... Her mom is a great mother!?

Shell - posted on 01/28/2013

And I tell you what else...... I know I've got it bad. But if I was in your shoes.... Whoa, I don't care how "nice" or "horrible" of a person she is...... The fact that she cheated and you have to deal with that... wow. IMHO makes her a horrible person that I would not even want to be nice to or see! My heart goes out to you.

Shell - posted on 01/28/2013

Chrisdee,

Im certainly sorry to hear that you experienced that also. And I agree with you 100%!!! I have no patience for stupidity.... and in the case of having a person in your life that you CAN'T get rid of... in the case of BM/SM, it can be very frustrating. But you are sooo right... it's NOT the title... it's the person herself.

Additionally, I'm quite real about the reality of things....... Having the Ex and my Hubby stay together may not have been better for me nor my husband (since we wouldn't have found each other), but if they were married they may have tried harder to work it out. and in the long run, if it had worked out .... the child's life would be very different than it is now. He would get to spend every night under the same roof as his mother and father. Don't get me wrong I love him and am glad that they both are in my life. But being separated from each other is extremely hard on our son and on my husband.

So it worked best for me and my Husband this way, did it really work out best for the child???? When it comes to him growing up to be a successful contributor to society, I feel he is extremely lucky that he has me. He has more manners, respect, values and ethics in his life than he would have without me. But he still doesn't get to see his Daddy everyday. All in all since it was what was..... he is very lucky to have me in his life, as is his Daddy. And we are a very happy family!

Chrisdee - posted on 01/28/2013

Shell Belle - I agree. There are some great step mothers, as well as, bio mothers. In the case of both Tara and myself; however, step and ex placed our children in the very difficult situation of an extramarital affair that has resulted in a "strained" relationship for all involved. The issue is that there are far too many generalizations being tossed about with respect to both Bio Moms and Step Moms. Not all Step Moms are "wicked" or "home wreckers" and not all Bio Moms are neglectful, hateful, disrespectful, and resentful. But the fact still remains that there are some WOMEN who are. That said, I believe that as women and mothers, we can support each other positively through very negative situations with these negative women (whether SM or BM). Both SMs and BMs who fall into the category of "not so nice" are not being categorized as such simply because of their status as "step" or "bio", but because of their lack of personal character and the inability to support their children effectively. Unfortunately ladies, this can apply to either a bio or step mom. In short, it's not the title (Step vs Bio) that makes the difference, but the content of the character (or lack thereof) of the individuals involved.

Shell - posted on 01/28/2013

Tara... Not all SM are homewreckers. My husband was never married and they weren't together when I met him. I'm sure that is the case most of the time. I can understand your particular (what feels to me like hatred) anger if the SM in your life did in fact cheat with your ex and is now your child's SM. I'm sorry that happened to you.

But all of us aren't that horrible. And the BM in my world IS horrible ... the same is so with many SM that are posting here. And that is why we want BM's to "get over yourselves" also. We are damn good MOMS to the children in our homes and we'd like to stop getting bashed for doing the RIGHT things and being good parents.

Again I'm sorry to hear that that is what happened to you!! Shame on your Ex!!

Amy - posted on 01/27/2013

My daughter's (step daughter's) live with me and my husband and they go to their moms every other weekend, and when they r with us she (mother) never calls them is she (mother) has not seen them in a month or so.. So just wants them to come over when its her time. Sh never calls them on birthday's, holiday's, or even just to say hello.. She hates that im (step mother) the one who cares for them when they r sick and need someone to talk too.. Im around for them alot and it bugs her alot.. What am i to do..

Tara - posted on 01/23/2013

Hallelujah Chrisdee! I completely fail to understand the call for 'gratitude' from the homewrecker! I did NOT ask you for anything, you are with my child because you love my ex-husband...I DID NOT choose you, ask you for anything, and EXPECT that my child is treated with all the love and care in the world. I will never like you or appreciate you...sorry....when you wreck a marriage...thats the way it is.

I will never poison my childs brain by badmouthing you and will do my best to act in my daughters best interest at all times.... but PLEASE...get over yourself....

Janine - posted on 01/20/2013

Thank you very much Jennifer for the lovely response, it's nice to know that you are not the only one out there that struggles! I will defiantly take your advise. I hope your situation improves as well.

Yellow - posted on 01/19/2013

I believe that most BIO moms will EVER understand the perspective of a Step-Mom unless they are one themselves. I am also most certain that if whoever they marry has children also, that person would not like someone that would treat their child like an outcast simply because they aren't their birth children. How is that fair to the child? The whole family is out doing "family things" and when they speak to others, I do not think it is respectful of the child to point out "step or half" in front of others. So what if others see them together out as a family, acting as a family... whether BIO moms want to see it or not, their children are family to someone else and that someone else may just be their step-mother.

In my family, my husband never see's his family (they all live out of state). Since day one, my husbands children have ALWAYS been "our children" when they are with us. I have always had a respect for their mother and never forced them to pretend I am their mom. If people compliment the children while we are out, I say thank you, because I have raised them just as any other parent BIO or not. I have taught them many things and been there cheering them on every step of the way. At my step-sons Kinder graduation, I was there in the front row, taking pictures and crying out of happiness because my baby boy who I have been blessed to be apart of his life had overcome a milestone in his life. I was just happy to be apart of it. You know where his BIO mom was? sitting at the very back of the room, did not take one picture, did not clap when all other parents were clapping, etc. She stood there. My step-son could see me and continued to smile at his daddy and I, because he could see that we were genuinely happy for him. We weren't holding bitter grudges.

I am so happy to be a part of his life. I taught my son how to swim, tie his shoes, manners, how to not make fun of others and respect for people, and assisted him pull his first tooth. All those things he is very proud of when with us, but has learned that he is not allowed to show happiness when around his mother because he has learned from her that it is not okay to be happy with his daddy and his step-mother. He also knows he is not allowed to talk about us because she will say ugly things which he already knows are not true, he knows he will get in trouble. Can you please tell me how a 6 year old can tell me that he wants to pray for his mother because she is not a nice person? Yet, I, the Step-mother am wrong for stepping in and being a caregiver and nurturer to him while in my care? and he is able to recognize that?

So, I will say it again, until you have been in the shoes of a step-mother, you will never know how it feels. Even BIO moms that have step children understand. Its the ones that arent step parents at all.

Jennifer - posted on 01/19/2013

My husbands ex-wife is JUST like that. We try to teach our daughter responsibility, like putting her own clothes away. Well, her mom will tell her she doesnt have to and to not do it. This causes our daughter to get in trouble when she is with us. She is also always telling her to hate me. Or that I am what caused her parents to get a divorce. (when the mother is the one that LEFT!!)

I am sorry to hear that you are having the same problems. From my experience, When it gets bad like this and you think you are going to loose it just always remember: You love your husband and your kids. She will slack off eventually. Even if she only does for a day or two, it will help you get your wits back!! I hope things get better for you!

Janine - posted on 01/19/2013

I have two step children aged 7 & 11 and their BM is a complete nightmare! She absolutely hates me, because I married her ex and both her kids love me to bits! I don't see how this is a problem as if the kids hated me she would be having a go saying that I need to make more of an effort! She tries to turn the kids against both my husband and me all the time, by planning things for the kids to do on the weekends that we have them, then saying how crap we are when we cannot do it as we ave planned something else. She also doesn't respect our rules in our own house as she will call my eldest after 9pm which is her bedtime to basically spy on us about her day and then send my husband a horrible email about all the things that upset her. I'm not sure I can take much more of this as her actions are really hurting me! Please can I have some advise as I have been nothing but civil, but I feel I am starting to loose it and I really don't want the kids to suffer.

Jennifer - posted on 01/19/2013

I am with you. My step daughter (who is 10) has asthma, as do I. It kills her bio mom that she is so close to me and feels safe with me. When she gets sick she asks for me no matter who's house she is at, and it makes the bio mom mad. The Bio mom is always saying negative things about me in front of her daughter. We is always talking about myself and my husband. I dont understand it. I take good care of her, so why wouldnt she be happy? I do things with my step daughter and we have fun. She wants to live with us full time. Her bio mom always tells her that its not fair to her (the mom) if she lived with us full time because it would hurt her feelings. So my daughter says she doesnt want to hurt her moms feelings. BUT all the bio mom does is push her off on everyone else when its her week, so she can go out and party or go see her new boyfriend of the week.

Chrisdee - posted on 01/19/2013

Yellow Rose - I respect your perspective; however, I am not as you stated "happy that this woman is willing to step up and willing to take care of my child while in her care". Although she is now married to my ex, I did not choose, ask, or need her to care for my child, and frankly, she would not be caring for my child if she had not engaged in an extramarital affair with my ex. Not only that, her commitment is to my ex, not my son. She chose the man, the man simply has children, and to get him she has to accept the child. In short, despite the lack of integrity and personal fortitude I feel she and my ex have shown to our son, I respect my son's right to continue to have a relationship with BOTH of his parents and fully support that. In support of that, I support my son's development of a relationship with her as she is now married to his father. I have never called her names or even spoken to her. I would also never encourage my son to disrespect any adult and name calling is both disrespectful and juvenile. I am not "happy" or "grateful" to share this blessing (our son) with her. Nor am I as you stated "happy that my ex is continuing to be a part of his life". He is his father and his parent as much as I. It is not only his right to be his father, but his obligation to our son. Yes, this happens every day, but the sad reality is that tragedy and dysfunction appear to have become so commonplace that it is expected. I have moved on and accept the reality of this very messy situation. And I must say that even the most open mind would find it difficult to find step and ex to have acted in the best interest of our children. I limit communication with my ex because he has been extremely verbally and emotionally abusive to me personally, and I will not tolerate that. We are able to communicate well with respect to our son. My son has the love and support of BOTH of his parents as he should. But grateful for this experience for our son- no. I am grateful that DESPITE this experience, our son will have the opportunity to grow, learn, and become a productive caring man some day.

Chrisdee - posted on 01/19/2013

Christina - How would you feel if at the age of four years, your biological children's step mother allowed others to believe that she was their mother? I believe that situation is very uncomfortable for such a young child, and unfair. What did you expect him to say? How do you think he felt? I have a co-worker who has six children (four are step children) and two are her biological children. She makes it very clear that she has six children and loves them all, but she also credits their bio mother (BM) for the four older children in her life and would never allow someone to put them in this position. I admire her for this. You share a loving place in his life, but you are not his mother. I also grew up with a step mother and would have found it inappropriate for her to allow a stranger to compliment my looking like her, as that is basically negating the fact that my beauty is partly attributable to a wonderful woman who did not choose this situation for me or her. I am not saying that you should not acknowledge your step son as part of your family, but you should definitely not allow anyone to act as if his mother does not have any contribution to your family. She had a significant one - him, your step son. And no you and your husband are not responsible for that. I can not imagine how this four year old baby felt having everyone compliment someone who is not his mom, and you never saying a word. Ask yourself, if this were your nephew or a friend's son, would you have corrected them, or simply gone along with it? Why is this any different? After reviewing some of the posts here, it seems that some (not all) of the step mothers need to ask themselves this question as well. Why is it so important to YOU to be considered equal to or superior to the birth mother? Totally different scenario if the bio mother is absent or not engaged in the children's life. Totally disrespectful to the children if she is.

Sady - posted on 01/17/2013

Well Said Yellow Rose. Some BMs r just angry and don't want to look inward at how they've affected or impacted the situation to make things worse for their children because Heaven Forbid a "BIO Mom" is ever to blame for the issues and problems. My situation with my SS has been nothing short of a nightmare (Read my post in the large/blended families thread "Step-mom and Bio-Dad's Nightmare"). I respect good mothers whether they are BMs or SMs. As long as they truly have the child's best interests at heart and are a good example to the kids, that's all that matters PERIOD.

Yellow - posted on 01/16/2013

I do not force my children (step-children) to call my mom. I realize that they do have their own mother and it will never be my intention to take her place. My children call me by my first name, and I am fine with that. What I do have a problem with is when BM allows her jealousy to take priority over her own children. I have a problem when BM attempts to force her children to call their own father by his first name and refer to her new spouse as "daddy", simply because she resents their father for their marriage failing and doesn't care what it is doing to the children. Parents divorce parents, not children.

I understand that it is hard for some people to have their children around someone else raising them.. but unfortunately, it happens. I am not trying to make other sympathize for the choice I made. I chose to marry a man that has children, that is not nor ever will be the issue. What I have the issue with is when a grown woman cannot be mature and put her children first. It is disrespectful to her children. People get married and divorced, but people need to learn to except what happened and not play the blame game and move on. I know that if my husband and I ever divorced and we had children together, as much as I may dislike my ex spouse, I made the choice to have children with him, therefore, my hands are tied. I would not force him to have a relationship with his kids, I would encourage it, but not force it. I would also encourage my children to have one as well. They only have one set of parents, granted that does not mean they cannot be loved by others. I would not want my children hurt and sad because they don't have a parent in their life. That is selfish. So, you can claim I am a bad person or selfish.. but I am sorry I find it much more selfish to wish bad upon the father/mother of your children, because despite how you feel, I would never want my child to feel pain and hurt. I would never want to confuse them or belittle the person that they come from.

So, I am sorry Chrisdee, I would have to slightly disagree with you on some of your views. Not that they are wrong and I am sorry for what you went through, but I would just be happy that this woman is willing to step up and willing to take care of your child while in her care. There is no rule that only certain people can be loved. I would also be happy that your ex, your childs father is continuing to be apart of his life, and continuing to make him apart of his new family. It is unfortunate that it was not with you, but again and as you said, life goes on and we aren't perfect and make mistakes. I do not blame you for being upset if your childrens new step-mother is "forcing" her title on them, I am sure there are better ways she can approach it. I do agree that your spouse may not have been in the right for how the marriage ended, and it is unfortunate... but it happens everyday, and all you can do is move on as hard as it may be. There are many good hearted women out there that are trying to be a part of their step-childrens lives... but some BIO moms make it the most difficult because they hold grudges and want to assume that its not right for the children... however, if you try and be a included and try to have good communication with the ex and new wife, it will make things much easier on you and your children. If your kids see you making an effort to be respectful and communicating with her, then maybe that will help them a little more than the negativity I feel you might be giving off. You don't have to like it... but it could help your children.

Mama - posted on 01/16/2013

OMG
she sounds like my ex's BM.
she has attacked us at the house, trying to break in the door ,kicking it etc, upon dropping the kids off, had to call police, since that incident last april when it was time to return the kids i told my husband we need to meet at a neutral spot, you can no longer just bring the kids to her..so we now meet at the police staion.
Okay so we do that and we are flanked by her in her car, her 60 year old "mother in her car. we try to get the kids prepared and out and transferred quickly, i sit in passenger seat and thank god my window was up as the BM mother is screaming at me etc etc, (all this is caught on camer and we have a cd rom of it), who does that...crazy.
she forgot to pick up her kids on mothers day, so a 3 year old and 8 year old wait for 45 minutes in a police lot for their mom to come, the dad sends many text messages, and atleast informed the po desk he was there so we can prove he was. I went out of my way to make it easier for her kids, to be with their mom, and she forgets them. My kids were with me and we stayed closer to where the BM lives to drop the little ones off in th emorning and i thought it would be a great day for a hike, my kids were 11, 13. So now, its noon about and all of a sudden she wants to text saying, what etc etc, ill pick them up. I said no way, she's not getting them until drop off time, so that's what we decided and of course the 8 year old who is "challged with aspergers) was horrible mood. who wants to feel like they were abondened on Mday, as he understood that and then he hates hiking or anything lijke that...called his dad an AHole etc etc...so we did our best and my husband did too to try to express his feelings...he told the little one's his mom must have overslept or something, to try to soften the blow, and this is after the april incidence of attacking us.. the 3 year old from the trauma started pooping and wetting her pants, it has been 9 months and it is just finally about over with with that...but they are traumatized. The mom even once called the police (they shared their marraiage home for a while) bad idea before she moved out and the BM called the police because the baby bottles were gone..the baby was 3.5 on and on and on...

When we deal with BM's like this we need to document all the time...and remember to "do the right thing: as it is put even when a low blow would feel good every now and again..like i said before children grow up and they remember, and that's when karma will come back around..best we can do,

Yellow - posted on 01/16/2013

Thank you so much for all of the responses. It is so nice to know that I am not the only step-mother out there that is constantly having issues with BM. Since I made this post, there have been many things that have occurred with BM, and of course, things haven't really changed. My children's mother and grandmother are constantly bad mouthing my husband (their father) and I to the kids. The tell them things like they do not like us because we have drunken beer parties, that we aren't Christians, etc... I am so tired of it. To top it off, two summers ago she accused a three year old boy that I babysat for 3 hrs of acting out sexually on the children... mind you this child was three years old and younger than my oldest who was 5 at the time and my youngest was 2 1/2. She also did not know this child's age. She waited until they got back from my house from the summer so that way she was back in control. Then she had her attorney write a letter to us demanding that we keep that child away from the kids or else she was going to take us back to court... I'm just like... seriously?? A three year old boy doesnt even know how to use what he has! Its called being little and curious! Typical behavior of a young child learning the difference in sexuality. Then we found out that she had been taking them to see a shrink for months without even telling us. My children told my husband and I and informed us that his mom would go and tell this lady bad stuff about their daddy and I and then the lady would ask them questions about our house! The kicker to this is that that same summer my husband had asked her if she would be okay with him and their children to do family counseling. We wanted to do family counseling not because there was anything necessarily wrong with the children, but counseling is never a bad idea, it helps children especially as young as they were at the time to learn to cope with parents of divorce, and we thought it would be a good bonding experience for my husband and his children. His ex wife refused, she said that HER children were perfectly fine and well adjusted and that if she ever saw the need for counseling, then she would take them to someone she knew in her town. Then, just two months later she is secretly taking them to see someone... yeah... control freak.

This passed summer, she waited yet again until the children were in her pocession to make false allegations and proceeded to call CPS on my husband and I. She claimed that my husband was being a drunk alcoholic, I was physically abusing them and that we left the children unattended in our home. I was livid! How anyone could stoop so low to lie like that makes me sick to my stomach. When, she has sent the children sick, without prescription medicine, she has sent them in underwear so filthy it was causing irritation to their privates, and the fact that she is never home, and has them around a registered sex offender.... yeah... a man that likes child pornography (I am talking children under the age of 10).

Pathetic... she is a control freak. Makes me sick to my stomach.

I am so sorry for all of the other people that have to go through this, its so hard and puts a lot of stress on the body. I am praying for each and everyone of you ladies and your families. You are all so strong and such wonderful mothers. :)

Mama - posted on 01/16/2013

You are most certainly not the only one....I have a similar situation and the 4 year old duaghter and 9 year old son (who also has aspergers) are emotionally maniupulated and in our eyes abused emotionally. The mother tends to play them off eachother, one kids ups the other. It is shameful. The younger one, daughter I have been with since she is one and we can tell by her behaviour and words that she actually understands that her "birth mother" has emotional issues and is unstable. to the outside she probably seems fine but she has issues that stem from her childhood. Now with the 9 year old who seems to be getting developmentally worse as he ages and more symptoms are now appearing more prominent then just being slightly autistic it can be really hurtful. I have three children of my own ranging from 12 14 and 22 and the way the younger kids are sometimes is so stressful because if they were with us full time i just know in my heart it would be a better, more stable environment to thrive in, the little girl looks like a ragamuffin whenever we see her, so she loves to be in pretty clothes, i buy her dresses etc, she wants her hair cut, she can have it, she loves being treated like a little girl should while her mother seems to favor the son, (i think because she can manipulate his thoughts easier) ...Anyway, my thoughts for the day...but i am learning to cope and we are as a family as we continue to blend all together, best wishes, i could write a book, but i need to get back to business...

Sarah - posted on 01/09/2013

My step daughter's bio mom hates me. When I did talk to her she made sure to point out that K was HER daughter. Funny is now my step daughter talks to me all the time but will not give her mother the time of day (her mother is abusive as hell and spent most of K's life in prison for murder). My kids now their father married twice after me. The first wife was wonderful she is my sister wife and we talk all the time hell yea she is great mother to my kids and to her son. His second wife is another story. Hell no that woman is no mother to my kids. She treated them like dogs, she told them that they killed her baby (she had a twin that passed) and forced them to call her mom. She is the evil step mom you hear about in stories. They no longer live with her and she is not allowed to be alone with my kids sad but their father is still with her. he picked his wife ofer three of his kids. you seem like a good step mom so the birth mom needs to calm down and back off or her kids will see how she is treating you and will not like it.

Sally - posted on 01/08/2013

Oh ok. Ya its beeen crazy...very lonely...ya bashing isnt cool...

Sady - posted on 01/08/2013

i was replying to a post from a long time ago to a mom her name was Kayliegh or something like that... she was pretty much bashing step moms and i disagree with her position. i think in ur case (based on what u described above) u have the exception to the rule SM-SD-BM relationship. most of us SMs aren't so lucky.

Sally - posted on 01/08/2013

I agree with you on the first part...but don't understand the second. Was tgat for me? I don't think it was..

Sady - posted on 01/08/2013

U know, some BMs are just down right dangerous and toxic to their children. Some of us SM have nothing but good intentions and love and respect for our step kids and as parents ourselves we see when someone in our children's life isn't good for them and only hurts them and makes their already difficult lives even worse, even if it is the person who gave birth to them. Any female with a uterus can be an incubator. It takes a true, loving, honest responsible woman to be a mother. Sometimes those mother's come in the form of a SM.
I'm sorry your friend is "obsessed" with her step child's BM, but what she's dealing with and going through may not be as black and white as you think it is (or should be). Unless your in her shoes, I recommend you not judge.

Sally - posted on 01/07/2013

Hi im sally I am replying to Chrisdee....im very sorry about your situation. That was mine when I was little. Everything you said was my life as a little girl. Brought back crazy memeories. So with that said I am a stepmom of two girls. I have two children of my own. I read that u don't like the term biomom but its just so people know who you are...nothing personal.:) I met my stepdaughters when they were babies. I know they are not my biological children but I have grown to love and respect them as such. They call be by my name and they know who thier mother is.The biomom has been very difficult for those 8 years.she calls me names, threatens me hy email and is just a nasty person. I didn't break them up...she left.ii guess we just need to set the example for the kids. We might not like the situation but if the kids see us being positive and kind then it will ease thier anxiety aand ours as well.

Chrisdee - posted on 01/06/2013

First, I am a bio mom (or BM) as you refer to us here. This in itself seems disrespectful; however, to begin, my children's father began a relationship with the "step" while we were still married, and as a matter of fact, their two year affair was the reason for the end of our marriage. I know all situations are different , but I ask that you change perspective for just a moment. Within 6 months (yes I said months) of our physical separation, my ex and this woman expected my son to be blended into their new "happy" family and for her to take on a new role as his "step". The issue, our seven year old already has a mother, was dealing with the break up of his family, and was being pushed to form a relationship with a new woman who insisted on being a new mother figure to him. Needless to say, he was overwhelmed, and in my opinion "step" and "ex" were selfish and totally not focused on the well being of our son. Yes, I am his mother and proudly so, and as his mother, I am not going away just because my ex has made a different choice in spouse. I am an extraordinary parent, and I have never allowed my personal dislike for my ex spouse to diminish his role as a parent and father.

The fact is, many bio mothers are just like you. We have children with someone we love, and due to circumstances beyond our control things change. How would you feel if you wore our shoes? My ex and step only have our son every 1st, third, and 5th weekend; however, the sense of entitlement and assumed parenthood have not been earned. In fact, it is I, the BM, who have supported my son emotionally through this messy tragedy brought on by my my ex and step. It is I who take primary care of my son - buying all clothing, purchasing all food, and showing respect to persons who have shown me none. I have never even spoken to "step" , yet try to encourage my child to develop a relationship with her. I also communicate with my ex in writing only as he is verbally abusive and I will no longer tolerate his abuse toward me as a person. I thus write briefly, in a business format, only regarding my child. I am appalled at the sentiment here and ask that you try looking at your situation through a different lens. As bio mom, I did not choose a step family, you did. Additionally, I am not jealous that my ex left. I am happy to be out of the toxic relationship; however, I do feel that my ex has painted an untrue picture of me in order to justify his inappropriate end to our relationship. I had to be bad in order for him to behave this way. Not true or fair. I am a good mom who loves her children and has been thrust into a very difficult situation by two individuals who care only for themselves, and I am doing well.

Sharon - posted on 01/06/2013

I am a step- mom for 3 yrs now. The bio mom has it set in her mind that my husband was cheating with me when they were married, I never knew him or met him until months after their divorce. From the start she told the kids they did not have to listen to me because their father and I were not married. If they are left in my care while he is at work, I have every right to correct them in my home when they are miss-behaving or fighting for their own protection, and neither one showed me any respect. My husband has 2 boys. The 13yr old is great now and is no problem. The 15yr old is the problem. He has ADHD. He is no longer on meds, the mother told me the teen told the doctor he is doing good and doesn't need the medicine, so the doctor took him off of it. I do not believe that a doctor would make a decision based off a child saying he doesn't need meds. When my husband and I started having problems with him, she did not believe the teen needed counseling. So my husband took him and she never participated. We eventually had to get a restraining order against her for the behavior she exhibited towards us in front of the kids, and all of a sudden we had no more issues out of the 15yr old. When the order to extend was not granted after the year was up troubles began again. he acts like he is 9 or 10 years old instead of 15. He exhibits behavior of thinking he is superior, and cannot be corrected or punished for his behavior. He is standing up to his father like he is going to jump on him. We found where he was searching sexual things way beyond your normal teenage curiosity. He has attempted to kick our grand baby several times. When my daughter is correcting the baby for touching something he shouldn't, the teen jumps up and grabs the baby's arm or yells at him to stop.When my daughter tells him to stop and not to touch the baby, he gets mad and sits and stares at her with an evil look like he could kill her. He has flicked cereal all over our walls and belongings. He has stolen cigarettes. I found my missing camera in his drawer in a sock. He is beating up on his brother and leaving bruises. We have done some research and he has a lot of symptoms of bi-polar disorder, which does run in the family, my husband's sibling .The mother was also on medication for her anger or some disorder we are not sure of as a teenager, per her father telling my husband. We wrote a letter to the mother explaining what he is doing and she finally is in the process of getting him an appointment to the mental health provider, but it is taking a few weeks due to the confirmation of shared custody agreement? In the mean time we called her about a few other things he is doing that can cause harm to people in our home and the smoking. She refused to listen and blamed it on everyone else in our home. She refused to search his bags for cigaretts or my camera. She had the nerve to tell me that it is my husband's fault he will not stop doing something when told to, because when they were little and he would tickle or play with them and when they said to stop he wouldn't. The younger son has told us she is still telling them that they do not have to listen to anyone in our home. How can he get the proper treatment if she is in denial about what he is doing, and is telling him he doesn't have to listen to what anyone tells him to do in our home? We have asked in a letter several times for the updated insurance cards because we fear she is not going to follow through with the counseling, she has yet to give us the cards, and we do not even know who the carrier is. We cannot afford to pay out of pocket to take him ourselves. My husband work seven days a week during the strawberry season, and my daughter or myself are the ones left to deal with this until he comes home at night. We came to the decision that if she is take up for him right in front of him, in our opinion giving him permission to continue the behavior in our home, until the 15yr old has had several counseling sessions and it has had a major impacted on his behavior we are not allowing him to come to our home for visitation, to protect the grand baby, my daughter, and our personal property, as well as protecting him from getting in trouble with the law for hurting someone in our home. I talked to my counselor, and she advised he should not be in our home until he is better. Now the ex has my husband's own family believing all her lies, that my husband is not wanting to be apart of the counseling when it was his idea, and the behavior is his fault, and they think we are abandoning him. What else can we do? Even if we were to seek custody, she would still tell him not to listen to us on her weekend, and the issue would not be resolved. I do not how much we can take from her.

Sally - posted on 12/31/2012

It's been 8 years. My SD's were 1 and 2 when I met my husband. I just figured after this long she'd lighten up. I have an ex who has a fiance and I don't treat her like I get treated. When do I say enough is enough. I love my SK's but I am emotionally drained. My husband is the same way. She's made it where I'm afraid to speak to my sk's. They go and tell her everything. I don't speak bad but I let them know whats going on. Recently my youngest SD was gone from school for a week. Her mom never got any of the homework. My SD had to finish it over the weekend. They had to go early to BM's for a trip they were taking that weekend. So she was able to start but not finish it. My SD decided to play instead of doing her work. She went and told BM that we told her just do it at her house. I basically told my SD that it was her responsibility to finish the work, and not blame us for it not being finished. She told her mom that we didn't give her time to work on it.Well that blew up on me and Biomom threw a fit. Anyway. I'm just tired of the drama. Life is too short and I'm just afraid she will do something o me legally because she knows she can. I have a 1 year old and 13 y/o who needs my attention.....would you remove yourself from the picture to save your sanity?

Kara - posted on 12/31/2012

I began dating my now husband when his daughter was just under 5, she is now 10 1/2. He has has sole custody since his divorce and her BM only has weekly visitation. For the first year of our relationship, BM was always very solid on being her only mother. About 2 years ago my husband was up for deployment and BM sued for custody. He ended up jot deploying and BMs lawyer dropped her and the case was dropped. Since then, things have been basically perfect (from my perspective). My husband was gone for 3 months with the army and, with powers of attorney etc, I maintained physical custody. BM barely even took her on our agreed times, cancelling more than once. But at school/sports functions she willing refered to me as my SDs other mom. She even tells my SD to "tell your mom bye" when she picks her up. BM has 2 step sons so I think that helps put it in perspective for her, knowing how she feels about her SSs.
Long story, but I guess I would just hope that maybe with time she will also realize that your daughter is blessed to have so many parents that love her unconditionally.

Sally - posted on 12/31/2012

I have a dilemma. I am a peace officer. Biomom knows this. She told me to stay away from her while she is with her kids. ie, school functions or any time she is around. If I do eventually make it to a function she will claim it as harassment. I've never done anything to her, I love my SK's...she constantly sends emails with instructions about what I can or can't do or how she's disappointed about my involvement in her kids lives. She has a history of filing restraining orders. One on her sons SM. Made it where his SM couldn't be alone with her SS and one on DH when they separated. She basically her self esteem is very low and feels that by bullying me it makes her feel big...if she files a restraining order on me I will lose my job..I actually work, she doesn't. What do I do??

Shell - posted on 12/19/2012

Dawn, I couldn't have said it better! HI-Five

Yellow... You SO aren't alone. As you can see biomoms do feel that way towards step-moms. It's unfortunate. Sad. All you can do is turn a blind eye and be glad that your children love you regardless of what the bio is saying about you guys. And know that there are so many of us in your shoes. That is why this is such a great site. I always thought I was alone and now I know I'm not! It is such a feeling of great relief!

I am a PROUD MOM to my SON. Regardless of how he came into my life and my heart, he is here and here to stay. No matter what anybody thinks of it!

Ann - posted on 12/15/2012

No one can take the place of the Mother. No matter the faults she may have. I truly believe that no other woman should be refered to as 'step-mom'. The word 'step-mom' was an Old English word used by some to refer to 'bereavement', as when a family member died, hence stepmom or stepdad was used. No one is ever to be forced to use these names, and should never be made to. This can only cause a child to rebel later on in life or resent being made to call or even refer to someone with the word 'mom' or 'dad' in it when they are not the biological parent. If the child chooses on his/her own will to refer dad's wife or mom' new husband as a step parent, It will bode much better in the future for all.
,

I detested as a small child even, to be forced to call my mother's new husband as 'dad', and I was very young at the time. He is not a bad person by no means, but I resented anyone telling me that I should call him dad just like my real dad.


So, 'step-parents' out there, I know you want to be an important part in the lives of your spouse's children. But making yourself get upset as to whether you should be refered to as stepmom or stepdad, is not important. If you give all you can of yourself unselfishly and with no other motive than genuine caring and love, all will fall in place. Give it time and don't allow yourself to get bothered by the real parent's ways,or faults. Remember, we All have them, and let your spouse's children grow up in a loving environment, divorce is hell. And the children suffer the most.

Michelle - posted on 12/14/2012

Omg I'm so glad I'm not the only one! I hate that my kids' BM thinks she's a good mom because her kids are being raised properly by my boyfriend, his parents and myself! She really only has the kids on weekends and that's her time to show them off like show ponies. She brags about how smart they are and how well they're doing in school when I'm the one doing homework with them every night. The woman was a nursing student and yet she had no clue what to do with her sick kid! My boyfriend and I had to go over late at night to take medicine and drinks because she didn't have anything for him. Woman didn't even have a thermometer! It's not like she just got these kids yesterday. She's had them 9 years! But I guess that's to be expected of a woman that walks out on her family to be with another man. Now she's planning a destination wedding without the kids but she's throwing a reception with the kids there to make it seem like they're more than a weekend family. The good bio-mothers need to realize that we don't hate them. It's just the crappy mothers that we can't stand! I would love it if the kids had an attentive mother. It would make my life less frustrating. And then I wouldn't have to deal with kids that are acting out because they wish their mommy was as good as daddy's girlfriend.

Terrica - posted on 12/13/2012

You are definitely not alone. I am 22 and my husband is 29 we have a beautiful daughter who is 2 and he has 3 wonderful children from 2 past relationships. My SS 3 is wonderful we have had primary custody of him since he was 1 and a half. His BM is never around she never calls to talk to him like even on his birthday for both of the years we have had him. She sadly has only seen him a total of 11 times in four to seven day times spans since we got custody and we have done 95% of transportation for these visits 2 hrs away. My SS 7 and SD5 are amazing children. The BM there I have to give her credit she is involved in her kids lives now not so much when i first got with my husband but the past year and a half she has been a much better mother. however since she decided to step up and be a better mother. I do however somedays think her favorite thing to do is the yell and curse and scream every name and word in the book at my DH and myself IN FRONT OF THE KIDS! in my head NOT alright. I mean seriously I have done NOTHING mean ever to this women other than take care of her children and step up when she was down and needed help like the first summer I was with my DH she had her maybe a total of 20 days throughout the whole summer and half of them she sent the kids to stay with my husbands sister and told her to ask us for sitting money. now I have been with DH for a total of 3 and a half years. which would mean I have been in my SKIDS lives for nearly half of SS7 and over Half of SD5. The have recently started calling my mommy. Well they have asked if they could quite a few times over the years. My response has always been the same I do not mind one bit if you call me that BUT I do NOT think your real mommy would like that very much. So for a few months bless my SS7 they called me fake mommy. ♥ now SD5 calls me mommy and so does SS7. BM like has said doesn't like it. I have never asked forced or even put the thought into thier head of calling me mommy. aside from them hearing me talk to my BD2 who from growing up in the house with my step kids called me by my name as the other kids. Step parents definitely have it rough.

Pam - posted on 12/11/2012

I am both a step daughter and a step mother. my step daughter is 22 yo and our relationship is great she is my bonus daughter. I have been in her life for 17 years. What you "do" for the kids is for the kids, not your husband not their mother. love them, tell them they are great, love them, teach them to tell time, love them, teach them racism is wrong, love them, include them in family holidays, love them.

Laura - posted on 12/05/2012

You arent alone! I go through the same thing daily.

Laura - posted on 12/04/2012

My Name Is LAURA. And that is what my children call me. I am a step mother. I am loved. I am respected. I KNOW who I am. My children know who I. Am. And that is all that matters to me. I respect the people that gave life to my children and they are called Mom and Dad. My name is Laura...and I take pride in that. So do my kids. I do not care what they call me...as long as they call me. And they WILL call me.

Amie - posted on 11/28/2012

You do it because your heart can not turn away from the children. Its wonderful to be the Mom they cry out for at night because they are secure in the relationship you've built to know that you will be the one by their side as fast as you can. I'm a "step" mom too. I completely understand your frustration as I have had similar feeling as well. In the end, their sweet childhood memories will have you in every picture so to speak.