BIO Mother VS Step Mother

Yellow - posted on 05/14/2011 ( 280 moms have responded )

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The more I think about it, the more it upsets me..
Why is it that birth mothers feel like they are just so much better than a step-mother could ever be? Why are they threatened with someone actually loving their children and their children loving that woman back, in a motherly way? When they claim they are so secure in their motherhood, when their actions show anything but security? When I was up with my daughter (step-daughter) when she couldn't breath Why didn't her birth mother call her to check on her? I am sorry but if my child was away from me for 2 weeks, I would call in general to see how she is doing... but if I found out they were sick while away from me, I would sure as hell call and check on them!!!

I have done so much for my children, that woman will never think anything I do is good enough. Even after I spend hours in the ER with her, waking up every hour to make sure she is breathing, giving her medicine at all hours of the night, holding her while she vomits on me because she is sick and then cleaning it up, holding them when they wake up from a bad dream and are calling for me....

Why do all of those things anger me when she shows not an ounce of concern? especially when she is bragging about being mommy of the year! I guess it angers me knowing all the things I have done for those children because it was from the heart, only to hear from my kids all the ugly things their mother is saying about their father and I....trying to turn them against us...

Please tell me I am not the only one.

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Kristina - posted on 03/15/2014

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You are not the child's mom. You are a step mother. She is not the "bio" mom. She is the MOTHER. Why are they better than step moms? Because they have a bond with that child that you will never, ever have. No matter how much you stay up with them at night, their MOTHER is their MOTHER. It may be that you feel resentment toward the child's mom because you're not their mother yet you have the responsibilities of a mother. If that is the case then you are definitely showing it in your behavior toward the kid.

MOTHER=MOM/MOTHER
STEPMOTHER=Adult female caregiver that's married to DAD

Lizvilla - posted on 06/12/2014

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I joined this community just to respond to this post. See, my stepmother has been more of a mother to me than my biological mother ever was. She is the kindest, most motherly and caring being on the planet. And I just can not believe the arrogance I am reading on this board. Motherhood is an act, not a right. I say this as a mother of three children. And we do not own our children. We don't get to decide loving people should be exed out of their lives because their care bruises our egos. If you are a single mother you should be thanking your lucky stars if someone loves your child enough to mother them in your absence. If there can be two grandmothers there can betwo mothers. Get over yourselves.

My biomother was an absentee parent for years. When I did live with her and her new husband (for only two years) she used to tell me," You're not an abused child because abused children don't ask for it like you do," after he choked, hit or yelled at me. She was happy when I went back to my father. I will never forget the big grin on her face.

I was nineteen when my father remarried. He refused to consider anyone who would not be good to me. I am so glad he had that standard. My stepmother came to me with loving,open arms and she always had time for me. She could have pushed me, an adult, out of the home. Instead she was my biggest advocate, cheerleader and just amazing. When I got married and had kids she was there for every one of their births. Not my mother - HER. She helped me when I was a new mom. Not my biomom. HER. She is my children's Granny. My kids don'teven know what to call my mother. It isn't as if I didn't try getting "Mom" involved. She is just too busy living her early retirement life with her new boyfriend. She said her new guy is "uncomfortable" with kids.

Please don't go on about the bond with bio moms. It is foolish talk. Again, I have three kids. I know what I am talking about. Think about all the adoptive mothers out there. Al the step mothers out there. These women CHOOSE to care for kids who aren't their blood. When you pull the "I'm sorry but there's a special bond" crud you are spitting in the faces of women who step up when they are needed.

Christina - posted on 05/16/2011

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Women have no issues with their children calling their new husbands, "Daddy," so they need to shut the hell up when their ex's remarry and their kids call the step-mom, "Mommy."

Sarah - posted on 08/06/2013

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I can completely relate to what you are going through. I am a stepmother to 2 boys, ages 9 and 13. Recently, the bio mom decided that I should not be allowed to attend the kids' sporting events and recitals. She turns the boys away from us by telling them inappropriate things. She has called me names on a number of occasions, and what bothers me is that the boys won't acknowledge that she has done anything wrong. She is always "perfect" in their eyes. When I try to tell the boys how I feel, they won't listen. I never speak badly of their mother, even though I'd like to.

I have been with the boys for 5 years (married and living with their dad). I, too have cared for them when they were sick, cleaned up their vomit, combed lice out of their hair, and cooked them numerous meals. Often, they tell me that my food isn't as good as their mommy's and that I should prepare it their mommy's way. I am so sick of this. I am underappreciated and feel like I have no voice. Everyone else in this household is allowed to have feelings except me.

Yellow - posted on 07/17/2013

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Katrina, I am so incredibly sorry that not only are your children going through that type of abuse but that you are having to also. That is wrong that your kids father is even allowing that type of crap to go on in his home and to his own children. You are right, they are getting older and they will realize a lot of what is going on in their time and the older they get, the more they will see a much clearer picture. They will also see a much clearer picture of you and know that you are the better person. I could never imagine treating a person let alone a child like that. It is women like that that give step-mothers a bad name and make us all look like we are crazy, bitter bitches.

I am the step-mother that Blonde Jan talks about. I take the backseat in a lot of ways. I have always encouraged my step-children, and have always showed them that I am perfectly accepting that they have a BM and that I have never intended to take their mothers place. I attend school functions (when we are told about them), I always drive 3 hours to pick them up. I am very active in their life. When they come to visit their dad, I am there front and center. I always told myself that they have a mom and that I am not going to force them to have a relationship with me, and by me doing what I am doing, they are able to see the difference between their BM and myself. They see their BM bad mouthing and belittling their father and I, they see her not being as much of a loving person as I am. My 7 yr old SS has even told me "Why are you so nice to us about our mommy but Mommy is not nice about you and daddy?". That alone tells me everything. When a 7 year old can see that his own mother is not a nice person, then that is when I know I am doing the right thing.
As much crap as their mother talks about us, my husband and I do our best to refrain from comments. Do not get me wrong, there have been times where I have popped off something, but I try and pick and choose my battles.

I just do not understand why people think that they are making the situation better by treating others bad. Even when I am dealing with my husbands ex, I have always just been respectful to her. I talk to her with kindness, I smile and I do my best to to keep my cool. It is very hard, most of the time. Its very hard to be crapped on by someone more than once and just show them that you aren't bothered.

I wish the best of luck to everyone here that is dealing with mean step-moms and mean bio moms. You all are strong and wonderful ladies, I know that neither role is not easy. Let us all just remember the important thing, The Children.

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Amie - posted on 07/01/2016

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I joined just to chime in on being a stepmom. I have a biological daughter and a stepdaughter the same age. They are both 21 but have been sisters since age 5.
My take... When you marry a man with children, you are taking on the responsibility of loving that child/ children. No child wants to see their parents not together. Yet, they have no choice when divorce happens. They also have no choice who their parents date or marry. Anger comes from being hurt. Whether coming from bio or stepmom or the children. It is all adults' responsibility involved in the children's lives to PUT THEM FIRST. There will most likely be power struggles. The children should never know. When I see stepmoms complaining about caromg for a sick stepchild and not getting cudos from the bio mom. Too bad. You most likely never will. But that's what you're thinking about? Also too bad. Your mind should be on caring for that child. It really is a choice. Bio moms also have no say in who their stepmom will be. However, I'm sure before you married their ex, you got an earful of the type of person the bio mom is. The best thing to to do is try to have the best relationship possible with the bio mom. You both have more in common than most people. Yes, it might seem impossible at times. But if you always have what's best for the child in the back of your head, you will do the right thing. Never speak badly of anyone in that child's life. There will be exceptions. There are parent's who have abused their children and still expect all the respect for just giving birth. That child is going to love that parent ANYWAY and you shouldn't tell them to do any different. Get the court involved if needed to ensure the child's safety while they are with that parent. But, they should absolutely still have contact.
And dare not treat a bio child and a stepchild differently especially in the same house. I could go on and on and on about different scenarios. Main point again... Put the children first. I don't vate if they treat you like garbage. It comes from Pain. Rmemeber that in the worst times.
I have a wonderful relationship with both my girls amd better yet, they both get along and are not only sisters but friends. It's made for a very very good life for all. Good luck to all.

Teisha - posted on 05/09/2016

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I get so sick of these BIO moms screaming how there bonds with there daughters are greater than the bonds with the step mothers. I am a step mom and the greatest i know my place but the bond me and my step daughter have is wonderful no im not trying to take her moms place i respect her mom or try to give as much respect as i can even though shes a very rude and ignorant person because she wants to be with the dad and trys to keep her from around us or says i cant do this and that for her when shes in my home. I think some bio moms are very childish grow up and move on and be grateful you have a helping hand with these kids no you may not have ask for the help but it came with no boundarys me and her bio mom dont get alone but that still doesnt take away a ounce of love i have for my step daughter and thr love is mutual and she hate that too. So all the step mothers no matter what love those kids cause god has a greater blessing for you

Raye - posted on 04/27/2016

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Teresa (aka deleted account) If I was trying to start a fight I would say that step-moms CAN have a tighter bond than some bio-moms, if the bio-mom is a loser. Good thing I'm not trying to start a fight! :) Kids and parental figures alike should all be respectful to each other. The child should be receiving love from all parents (bio, step, grand, etc.) and be able to show each one love in return. All parents should place the best interests of the kid above their own. It's not a competition, and anyone feeling like it is needs to grow up.

[deleted account]

I have an issue with step-moms thinking that can replace "MOMS". You will never have the bond that the child and their mom have, however, the child/children should be respectful the step mom and vice versus the step mom should respect the child and the biological mom! I've been on both sides.

Ev - posted on 03/18/2016

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Jennifer--I never said it was an issue with how the mother treats her kids. I do not agree with that myself but that is how life is. In most cases, unless a parent is determined to be a danger to the child or CPS has been involved and found that parent to be a danger there is not much to be done about it. This woman is their mom. AND they do have some sort of feelings for her. In time they will see what she is all about but right now they do not understand why she does what she does or the issues surrounding what she does. Kids do not understand the issues of adults but they can and do tell when a parent cares enough to do what is right. As I said and I quote again: {{As long as she is not posing a danger to them, they are fed, have clothing, and a roof over their heads--not much to say about it}} {{You talk to your husband about this and let him handle things with mom. You can not dictate to her how she raises the kids.}}
I gave you advice in those quotes. If you are that concerned about things talk to him and have him address them with his ex. Legally, you have no say in things like this as it is their custody and their kids. Do what you do in your home with them and I am glad that you do those things. I am the bio mom. I also know that Hamburger Helper or other types of meals like this are not as healthy as others but in homes where there is little money that is a staple. It does not totally hurt the kids if it is not all the time. Even with child support paid, if mom is not making a lot of money at her job, she has to make due with what she can get. As I said as long as the basics to live are provided then the kids are not in any danger. Her love life, friends, and other people she brings in her home when she has the kids on her visits is not up to you to decide. if she has a string of boyfriends around all the time, I feel sorry for the kids. How often does she have them?
As a bio mom who CHOSE to let the kids live with their dad because I did not want to put them through the wringer of custody battles for the frame of mind, I did not make a lot of money at jobs because I had to take what I could get at the time. But my kids ate a good variety of things meats, fruits, veggies etc. A lot of times those veggies and fruits were canned but I could not afford the fresh all the time. I made my own spaghetti or other pasta dishes instead of using the hamburger helper stuff or other boxed meals but they still came in meals sometimes. We made our own pizzas. I made fresh breads and cookies. We ate little of chips or junk like foods. AND I worked fast food. We only got it once in a while as a treat.
Not all bio moms are like your step kids' bio mom. But you have to learn to deal with it. She has her way of doing things and you and he have yours. You can not force her to adopt your ways nor take the kids from her as long as she is feeding them, clothing them and they have a roof over their heads. You can not take the kids from her because she has a lot of boyfriends and others over you do not care for on her time and in her home. UNLESS you can prove her a danger to them there is not much to do. If you are so worried called family protective services or whatever it is called in your area.

Jenniffer - posted on 03/15/2016

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i sorry I have an issue with kids not being feed healthy meals. I have my kids full time I raised them with out there dad and I did not feed them junk food. Or put a man in front. My kids love all my kids we have six at home between the two of us. I also have extra kids that call me mom. If you have kids they come first period. That is why me and there dad are together we both believe kids come first. We have a strong relationship. We work different schedule. We make time for each other and our kids. I just can't don't like how our children are treated at her house. Children desire the best in the world not someone part time love.

Ev - posted on 03/15/2016

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Jenniffer-You talk to your husband about this and let him handle things with mom. You can not dictate to her how she raises the kids. As long as she is not posing a danger to them, they are fed, have clothing, and a roof over their heads--not much to say about it. Everyone raises their kids differently even if they have the same or similar values about life. Step or not, we all ave our choices in what we think is best for our children. I am the bio mom and my kids have had two step moms. The first one lasted 14 months and did not really care for my kids. The current second one is still in the picture but she had to try to run things for us where our two kids were concerned. Those were decisions that we had to make. But my ex might not have liked how I did things where raising the kids were concerned but he had no say in my home as I did not have say in his home. Actually, the truth is I had let them go live with dad for their sakes rather than my wants and desires because they deserved stable lives in knowing that I was always around to be there when they wanted me or needed me. I was always involved and held dad to account for times he left me out of things. I also kept up discipline and had fun with the kids when the times warrented it. As a result, though I was not with them 24/7 my kids consider me the one that raised them.

Jenniffer - posted on 03/15/2016

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I am new at the being a step mom stuff I love my threes step son at home like my own. Some time if feels like the mom does not take care of our kids the way they should be taken care of. I feel like I am the only person that understands that she need to be a mom the right way or just let us raise the kids the right way. In a stable home. She does not do homework with them but then to bed at a normal hour and feeds them fast food every night or hamburger helper type meals. She put the date of the week before her kids all the time. What do I do I am just the dads new other half. How do I handle this.

Julz - posted on 03/02/2016

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My step kids call me mama julz because they are with me 24 /7 bio mum didn't like it at first but now it's not a issue . We try to involve bio mum in school things an docs but bio mum would not show up so we have stopped cause the kids have said " what's the piont she don't show up anyways" it's sad that some bio mums have to chat adult talk to children bout hate an nasty stuff bout stepmum who's jus looking after her children she chose to walk away from that is what gets me

Julz - posted on 03/02/2016

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I hear you on this one we have full custody of the kids an every time they come back form a vist at mums they have something else nasty to say to me on what there mum has said it's been going on 3 years so I kinda don't take it to heart anymore if my kids don't see a reaction to it then it dosnt become a issue . It is hard being a stepmum but I wouldn't change it ever .

Chloe - posted on 02/01/2016

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I can't believe some of these posts! Saying that because she is not biologically their mother she isn't a mother to these children, and that they share a special bond with their bio mother that can not be shared by a step mother. Bulls***! I am a now adult child who has step parents. I am closer to my step dad then I am to my bio father. My step dad I can dad, I started by calling him by his name and years later it changed slowly. I know he would do anything I needed and anything he possible could for me. I remember as a small child being so close to my step mother as well. To the point I would get up and go and get into bed with her not my father. A mother, bio or step is a big responsibility and a huge blessing.

Ev - posted on 12/15/2015

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Renee--Bio Moms are not all in that category. Not all of us are jealous of the step moms. And until you can walk in the bio mom's shoes, you can not say a lot about bio moms. We bio moms that are active in our kids' lives have given our all to our kids. We just want it to be understood that we are mom and that the step mom is the next woman to love our kids at the same time there are Step Moms that come into the picture and think they have final say over everything. There are good and bad on both sides. Not all step moms love their step kids. They just tolerate them so before you go putting all bio moms in the jealous category, do your homework. My experience is with 2 step moms and neither wanted my kids around but they tolerated them. One acted as though she knew them so well. But she did not. SHe was the one that complained when it came to the big events in my kids lives from graduation to the wedding. Graduation she was mad because her name was not listed under the senior pictures in the news paper insert. She was mad when the oldest got married and not all her kids were in the wedding party. Three of her kids were! It was not enough. THen she had to complain about the seating arrangement. I had no control over it. The grooom's family planned and paid for the wedding and the groom's father performed the wedding. I do know of some step moms who have been good friends of mine over time and they do actually love their kids and do work with the bio moms. What I get mad over is that a group of step moms complain that ALL bio moms are jealous when all we are doing is trying to make sure our children have the best that they can have. I have also seen posts where bio moms make similar statements and complaints about the step moms. Its not a competition. It is our children's lives.

Shollis4975 - posted on 12/15/2015

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plainly stated Bio Moms are jealous that they now have to compete with a woman for their childrens love,,,, IN THEIR MINDS ANYWAY! Reality we just want to be part of the childrens lives and let them grow up as happy as possible. It takes effort, selflessness and a heck of a lot of toleration to be a Step Mother. But Warning to all you bitter BIO Mothers,,, Attitudes like yours will only push your children to confusion and hatred and even a bitterness toward you. If your Comfy being the villain go ahead and keep bad mouthing the woman who chose to Love your Kids, Not because they got pregnant and couldn't keep their own family together. Some of you Bio Moms just need to chill for real. we don't wanna be your baby momma. we just want to be their friends and part of their lives and let them know they are loved by us.

Raye - posted on 12/15/2015

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Michelle Kurth, please remove your personal e-mail. You can ask for someone to private message you, but this is an international, public website, and spammers or crazies could get your e-mail and send you unwanted messages.

EDIT: I didn't say delete your entire post, but whatever.

Kris - posted on 11/29/2015

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Courtney Higgins, This is exactly what has happened with me & my son. I would love to connect with you for support, bc there are few women I have found that truly understand what I am living through. How much I want to be involved in every aspect of his life but his fathwr and step mother intentionally block me from having knowledge of and participating in manyour of his activities (unless of course they need or want additional money for something). Your statement about having to call the doctors and prove you are the mother bc they don't even list you as the parent, that is the same they have done to me. You think you are doing the best for your child to enable them to go to the best school, so you permit them to stay there but yes then your time starts being etched away and your role as mom, stolen. All bc you trusted everyone had the same open heart and best interest of the child in mind. Only to find out the plan was to remove you as much as possible and turn even your own child against you. I live this everyday and it has been so very hard. To be stigmatized as if I am a deadbeat mother by their lies and creation of making me miss things, while they actively interfere with my parenting time and role as mother. Would love to connect with you. I'm an attorney, biomom and thankfully expecting a second child from my second marriage in just a few months. Hope to hear from you!

Colinhanke - posted on 11/22/2015

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For any woman on here who is rattled over their children calling a loving step mom 'mom', get over it! It's an insight into the depths of your insecurities.. I have 3 biological children and one step daughter, I treat them all exactly the same. My oldest daughter also has a step mother who has 3 biological children herself and let me tell you all something... There's not a day that goes buy that I don't wish she would treat my 9 year old daughter as her own, when in her care. I would sacrifice anything to know that when my little girl is at her dads her step mom fills my shoes, to love, comfort and support my child. At the end of the day it's about your kids not you, get over yourselves and you giant egos!

Sonia - posted on 10/27/2015

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I agree. It is so difficult! y step son's mother is Racist, so it gets a bit worse. I met my husband in 2007 and moved in with him in 2010, he had full custody of his 3 year old son. His son only saw the biological mother once a year, so obviously he became very attached to me. He is 8 now so it has been a few years, I am still hated by his bio mom and we don't really talk. He is getting older and the more he identifies his relationship with her the more he strays away. He is starting to call her by her first name entirely.

It's not really my intention but i think when he goes over there they talk bad about me and it's getting to him. He hugs me with such strength when he comes back from there. I know somethings surely go on. I have never really been condescending towards her in any way, but she thrives at that. I feel your anger though, this woman hasn't paid a penny in years, she buys him clothes that are poor quality and shoes that rip almost instantly. I have always loved him as my own, i have never held back when giving him what he wants and needs. It is discouraging though that it becomes such a battle within adults (or people who are supposed to be adults), Just saying i Understand! I do wish there was more support systems for step parents though.

Flashy - posted on 10/13/2015

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I find this whole thread extremely disheartening. Post and all.

I'm 30 years old. I married my first husband at 20. We had our first when I was at the young age of 21 and our 2nd at 23. When my youngest was just 8 months, her father would get home from work and I would start dinner. When asking him to hold her, he would request I put her elsewhere because he was relaxing - that is just a PIECE of what was actually going on before I left him.

The next year, he post-poned weeks up to a whole month without out seeing them (we lived 3 hours apart), so that he could have halloween parties and move to this place and that. At one point he lived with someone that was stealing money from the bank she worked with. He also didn't pay child support for 10 months. The two months he did, it was $500. I was working two jobs, to pay $1100 a month in daycare to come out even.

Years later, I remarried. I became that "step-mom". The mother would send their 1 year old daughter with me (while the father worked) in a diaper, and in the fall/winter days. No coat, nothing. When approaching the issue with the father, it created arguments. The mother tried reaching out to me, and after a disagreement and a few text exchanges of how I would have done stuff differently with my own children, she threatened a restraining order. At that time, I told the father that I will NOT be involved anymore in their conversations.

I was married to him for 3 years. He has since left.

Since then, my children's father has found someone for him and recently proposed to her. I am extremely happy he is happy. The problem I am facing is that he moved almost 6 hours from his children. I have majority custody, obviously. This last year was the very first year he kept them a full 6 weeks for the summer, it was usually 3 to 4. I met his new fiance a few times. We had a run in one year when she grabbed his phone and text me because he had just dropped them off Christmas Eve, and he wanted to talk to them on Christmas day while we were in the middle of family time. His fiance TOLD ME I HAD to let his children talk to him and that I needed to stop being like I was. That was the first, last and only time my now ex husband got into anything involving my children's father, and just said, "there is a reason I stay out of this."

That being said, because he's lived far and moved farther, doesn't call or really anything, I've broken my back to keep him involved. I send pictures, invite him to field trips, etc, etc. I buy my now 7 and 9 year old a phone for the summer, knowing they'd be gone for 6 weeks for the first time, so they could reach me. What does their father and his fiance do? Put the phone in their room and turn it off. I send their dad messages asking to talk to them, he doesn't respond for days. My kids' father's fiance puts my, at the time 8 year old in the front seat of the car, and my son brags about it, I make one simple comment about it being unsafe and she grabs the phone and starts and argument with me. Later she sends me texts accusing me of being an animal and needing a leash, causing harm in their relationship, claim to be their better half, and telling me to stop texting their father about her sending the texts she was, because he was at work and she could show him - I simply text him that there was no reason I should be receiving this especially after asking her to stay out of this. The whole thing started because I was concerned about the harm my children were placed in and in telling her I would take it up with their father, she said I could take it up with her.

Since then, I hadn't heard anything. Spoke to an attorney that said I could request a restraining order in the amount she text me and attacked me. I didn't.

I also hadn't heard anything from her, until lately, from his phone - go figure.

My question to you all is, ARE YOU BEING THE BEST PERSON YOU CAN BE? I work hard for my children. I don't get a lot a month for them, but I provide for them. Recently, my children's father skipped a weekend, leaving a whole 6 weeks not seeing them. That being the case WHY AM I GETTING MESSAGES FROM HIS FIANCE ABOUT THINGS HIM AND I SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT? He asked me one time why I won't comply with the things she is doing, but he's completely fine ignoring my now ex husband at the time he was involved with his children? Why do you want me so involved? I can't be involved with someone blowing my phone up and attacking me at the same time she's saying she is trying to create peace.

In short: I don't believe its step vs bio. Maybe it's the good versus the bad. No matter what the position is.

Angela - posted on 09/21/2015

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This forum is really discouraging and I will look for support elsewhere. I am a bio and stepmother. I do my best to be kind, loving and understanding stepmother. Though I love my sk as my own I also realize and support that they have a Real Mother. I came into the picture long after the divorce.. A decision she made. We have custody due to her poor choices and kids desire. I have tried to reach out to this woman and try to keep peace however she is hostile to me. She emotionally batters these kids and is angry that they have a positive relationship with me. She emotionally punishes them for positive comments and reward for negative ones . We had to console my sd after mom rejected her this weekend because she wanted to stay one night longer to attend a youth group function. She is 13 and finally becoming social and making friends. My ss has returned from visit and is avoiding me like the plague. I struggle with the feeling unimportant and yet I love them so much and want to see them grow and be happy. This is a sign of my maternal and heart felt longing for them. On the other side I brought in a child of my own from a divorce decided by another. I sometimes do feel a tinge if jealously about the gf spending time with my daughter but I don't let it out. She seems like a kind and loving woman trying to have a positive relationship with my daughter.. And it in no way threatens my relationship with my daughter. My issues and past anger and disappointments were with her father not with her. I guess what I am saying is this isn't easy stuff and that we are here for support no matter what side we are on. We need to be on the kids side and learn how to co-exist and maybe support one another. Joining stepfamily group at church this week. Can't start soon enough. Been reading Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal and praying

Courtney - posted on 09/07/2015

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Forgive me if I am posting this in the wrong spot, this is my first time here. I wanted to comment on why 'bio' moms, which may I say I hate that term because we are the mom, and shouldn't have to be identified as such from the step 'mom', take such offense to stepmothers being called or thought of as mom.

Each family is different and I get that. As for your story, taking care of the child during the night, etc.. did you ever once call her mother to tell her how sick she was and give her the opportunity to be there? Because I know I would have come over and taken care of my child if that were the case. But my ex and his wife never do that. They have cut me out of my daughters life as much as they possibly can get away with and it has worked. Stepmom has one daughter also, and they have managed to run her dad out of the picture as well.

My daughter went to 'live' at her dad's to be able to go to a better school district. At first it all worked out well, with her being at my house weekends and 2 nights during the week. Then the next year in middle school with more activities and friends, they started allowing her to make plans on the days she was supposed to be with me. Then the calls asking if that would be alright stopped and plans were just made with me coming to get her and her not being there.

From there it went to making doctor and dentist appointments without telling me. If she was sick and had to stay home from school, she just stayed home alone as no one called to tell me. Yet she assumed I knew and just didn't come over. So you can well imagine her thoughts after more than a year of this. So by now, I am in the position of having to 'prove' myself to my own daughter, who now thinks her stepmom is more a mom to her than I am. She has been so brainwashed against me and when that happens, you don't even know what you are up against because you have no idea all the things that have been done.

I decided to start by going to the school to see who her emergency contacts were. Imagine my non surprise to find I wasn't even on the list. Same with her doctor and dentist. I am left having to prove that I am actually her mom because they had never met me. Kind of hard to do when you aren't aware there are appointments to go to! The teachers at school know me, because we email on a regular basis and that is also the one place her dad and stepmom don't go (parent/teacher conf) because they haven't BS'd their way with the teachers.

Now, time with my daughter is spent tiptoeing around, afraid to upset her or do anything that might make the things they have said about me, true. I can't be her parent. The small amount of time I get with her I don't want to spend making her do chores or disciplining her so then I fall into the 'friend mom' instead of real mom category that they have also told her about. I can't win. Everytime I actually get some real time with my daughter and we begin to get really close again, they find a way to break it. When my daughter told me she wanted to move back home but didn't want to hurt her dad's feelings I was so happy. When I approached this with him, within 3 days, my daughter was mad at me for something I still am not sure, and didn't speak to me for weeks.

Once again, having my daughter a lot more time during the summer, we renewed our bond, only to once again this past week, have that broken yet again. Her dad is skilled at playing the victim so that she feels sorry for him and like she can't leave him. Because she is then with that household more of the time, yes, her stepmom does do more for her than I do. I AM NOT BEING ALLOWED TO BE HER MOM! The frustration and hurt and sadness and just plain being pissed off is almost more than I can bear time after time. I keep telling myself when my daughter is older she will see what has been happening, but in the meantime, I am missing out on her life.

So when you brag about all the things you do for your stepdaughter, stop and ask yourself if you took the time to tell her mom or give her mom the opportunity to come over and do those things herself. If you have and she didn't, she is an idiot. But if you haven't, then you have no room to talk. But these people who think because they cleaned up some vomit or stayed up one night makes them just as much a mom to the kids as their real mom, need to think again.

Autumn - posted on 09/02/2015

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Reading these comments is extremely sad. I am in a very difficult "blended family". My husband and I met and began dating after I developed a relationship with his two sons. I had a bond with those boys before I even had a deep conversation with my now husband. In fact, the first thing my oldest son said to me when I met him was, "Are you going to be my new mom? My mother and sister are mean to me." I also have a daughter now and I am here to say that a "BOND" does not require you to have blood. A bond is a indescribable connection that you have with another human being. Whether it is your own blood-child, your husband or even your step children. I could not ever look at my sons and say, Nope. I'm not your mother and I'm not going to be today. I love them with every inch of my heart and soul and want what is best for them. I will fight everyday for them to make sure they are happy.

The original post. I totally understand those feelings. I had to hold my oldest "step" son while he had a panic attack for hours because he did not want to return to his "mother's" house. We have a unique situation where we get them [currently] only for the summers and they reside with her. We live 6,000 miles apart. Clearly, my oldest son was not happy about leaving us and going to his mother's house again. I have listened to her scream at him over the phone, call him fat, tell him he is selfish told me I'm not legal anything to them so I can't talk to them and informed her younger son it was okay to put ducktape on his mouth. She has even scolded me for considering those boys my own. I informed her that they will always be mine and my relationship with them is more important to me than her feelings.

My best advice to you is to do your best to ignore her and keep that relationship with your step-daughter as strong as possible. If she notices any anger towards her "biological mother" it may backfire on you. Be the better example. God forbid if my husband and I split and he remarried I would feel blessed to have a stepmother who loves my children as much as I do.

Kristen - posted on 08/25/2015

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I to am a step mom in a very difficult situation. i met my boyfriend at a young age of 17 and we are 6 years apart. My boyfriend was seeing his son on a consisten basis until i came into the picture and she cut him out of it. Being a step parent is FAR from easy. Everyday i battle where i stand in the picture even after 7 years of being together. After years of fighting we finally gained visitation for him to see his son on overnights. The bio mom has and wil ldo anything to ruin our lives and make sure every mistake his son makes is put onto us. Just recently, his son asked his mom to spend more time with his dad and the bio mom turned it around and said that we asked him to talk to her and he is already having a hard time adjusting seeing his dad on 2 days every 2 weeks.
I have been harrased and made fun of by the bio mom and remained silent through everything as i dont want to stir the pot.
If your a bio mom and your son came to you asking to see his dad more and the dad is a perfect stable father who wants to see his son more, what would you do? blame the father or listen to your son.

Liz - posted on 08/06/2015

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I get frustrated when bio moms say we are bitter because THEY have this BOND between them and the husband. How we as stepmoms are jealous at this, and cant stand the thought that THEY are the parents. If this "bond" was so positive, why has this bond turned so bitter? If they share this bond we cant even begin to touch, why are bio moms (not all of them) act like more of an obstacle when it comes to visitation or working together for the best of the child?

The bio mom of my stepson is very passive aggressive. If she is upset with my husband over issues not related to their son (such as a bill she contributed to years ago and expected him to pay for it) she switches weekends. Even skipped weekends. Where is the bond?

I got sick about a month ago, and my husband soon caught it. Very aggresive virus and it took two weeks for me to recover. He was still sick so asked to switch weekends so his son would not catch it. His son got a new job, so the last thing we wanted was for him to miss out due to an illness. Well, he switched weekends, and when the next weekend came around, she cancelled on him. Said kid couldnt come, and it was too bad that he decided to skip the previous weekend. "I was sick. My wife got sick and I caught it" Bio mom: Well, she should have been more careful. My husband did not see his son for another two weeks. This is not uncommon, and he is scared of the backlash, so he does not take her to court.

What I am saying is, if you want to brag about this "bond", respect the bond, uphold the visitation schedule, not abuse it. A bond is not a tool for control.

I applaud biological moms who work to collaborate with the stepmom for the better of the child. I certainly wish I had that relationship. I am still referred to as "Whatever she it", Whoever she is", "Your little girlfriend" (I am the wife..hello?).

Think about it. If a friend of hers threw a small birthday celebration, bought gifts for, took out, traveled with, called 911 to save her son's life, and made sure he was well fed, she would praise her as a good friend. Because I am the stepmom, I only get seen as a person not worthy of even a name.

Too bad.

Liz - posted on 08/06/2015

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I think that some stepmoms do not go out of their way to form close relationships with their sk partially because of the back-lash some receive from the bio mom.

Tiffany - posted on 08/03/2015

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I am a BIO mom as well as a "STEP" MOM. I have 3 in total and i love all of them the same. I do know what you are going through so don't feel like you are the only one who goes through this. I have read some of these comments and it is just disgusting what some of these moms are saying. They claim to be great roll models for there children then come out responding as they do.
I do think that if your going to do all the things you do just make sure you are doing it out of your heart and not because the other "MOM" doesn't. The kids know when someone really loves them and when you are putting on a show. The only one that is going to hurt in the end is the parent that is not their for there children. A Step parent can be a horrible person or the best person in the world. I don't think that every one is the same so people should not categorize all people based on there so called title. I also know great moms and dads and horrible ones. Everyone needs to take each person and decide if they are a good influence or not on there children.
I think that moms or dads should be happy if there is a loving step parent in their child's life. It could be worse and have a step parent that cant stand your child or put them in harms way or neglect them. So bio moms/dads out there ease up if you have a good STEP parent, because your situation could be a whole lot worse.
To all the BIO moms that only get to see there kids on supervision or every other weekend because YOU gave them up or lost them due to your own stupidity don't hate on the step moms for stepping up when you stepped out. Be glad your child has that mom figure at all in there life. I applaud all STEP MOMS or DADS out there for giving a shit about some one else other then themselves.
To all the STEP parents that are HORRIBLE you should get punched. These kids didn't ask to be put in this situation and to make it harder on them is disgusting. If you don't want to take in the child when getting involved with there mom/dad then you should have walked away a long time ago.
I hope that no parent BIO or STEP takes advantage of what they are blessed to have. It can be taken away in a blink of an eye. Children are little angels that just want to be loved. No child asked for the life style they are forced to be in so make the best of what it is and let people love your children for who they are. Your life will be a whole lot easier.
I cant ever forgive my children's mom for what she has done. Her and I both know that but i try to put it aside since that is there mother and they love her no matter what I think. They notice now that they are getting older who is really there and who isn't They will always know i am hear for them no matter what.

Lanna - posted on 07/22/2015

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After reading alot of these comments I have heard many stories similar to mine. I am a stepmom to a two year old little boy, his dad and I have him 50% of the time and I have been living with him since he was 5 months old. I can relate to the comments about feeling like his mother, I am the one who packs all his school lunches, schedules and attends all his drs appts and I do everything I can to provide a loving environment for him. I do these things not because I want to replace his mother but because she does not do them and I cannot stand to see a wonderful child do without. She had let him go over a year behind on required shots before his father and I were made aware and interviewed and started to handle this ourselves. Anyways that is not what my post is about. I do not know what to be called and I really need some advise? I do not currently have children of nybown but hope to have them in the future and I am afraid what my stepson calls me will influence what they call me. And I am with him most of the time and feel like his mother but at the same time I do not want to be disrespectful because he does have a mother who lives him. He is not a great talker and right now calls me, the bm, and his grandma all ma. I want to try to teach him a different name for me but I don't know what. I dislike all the names like b, or sissy or whatever. While I think a first name for older children with stepparents is fine I will have always been in his life and I don't want him calling me by my first name. I have considered marmee but am afraid it is to similar. What are some other real live stepmoms in similar situations called? Please please help.

Jenny - posted on 07/14/2015

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Jackie,
Isn't it interesting how a stepmother should do this and that according to society, so that we are not labeled as a bad step-parent.
I also find it interesting how some of these women on here state a stepmother's job is to step in when and only when the mother can't.
I am sorry, marrying the father of your child does not automatically give a mom a live in nanny, driver, nurse, etc...
All the while you (collective you, hypothetical BM) bash the stepmother and alienate the child from them.
That my friends is pure insecurity on a bio-moms behalf.
You cannot have both. The Stepmother cannot be there to take on YOUR kids when you need a break or have to work, but then also be chastised for wanting to have a bond with your child.
Sorry but popping out a child doesn't automatically give you the right to treat another woman this way.
There are some stepmothers that overstep their boundaries, some that badmouth the mother and try their hardest to act like the "look at me am so much better that mom" type. And that is wrong also.
The reality of things is there are women out there that are horrible stepmothers, and some that are awesome. There are women who are amazing mothers and some that are horrible.
I can only speak for myself and my situation. I sit with my SD, I talk to her, I give her the time and attention she needs. I wake up in the middle of the night to take her to the restroom, I potty train her, I feed her, I bake with her, I teach her right from wrong, I am the one she runs to when she is scarred, She cries on my shoulder, she looks for me in the crowds, I take her to the Dr.s I am the first person she asked for after her surgery., etc...I can go on and on. If that doesn't make a mother than I don't know what does.
All the while I have to pretend in her face that It doesn't bother me that her mother is not by her side when she is waking up from surgery. I have to pretend, it doesn't bother me when her mother makes an excuse as to why she has missed a year's worth of Dr's appointments while in her care. I have to pretend to say things like "how great" or "that is awesome" when SD talks about her mom. I have to pretend I don't notice the sadness in SD's eyes when she has to go back to her moms. I have to take all of that and just swallow it. Why, because I love my SD and her mother is her mother and nothing I can do about that. Eventually SD will be old enough to understand what role each of us have played in her life. She loves her mother, and because of that, I set my feelings aside and never once say anything wrong about her to my SD. On the contrary I try to encourage her to love, listen and enjoy her mother.
Her mother, has no problem with me being in SD's life and the role I have taken. We have talked about SD, her health issues and what I do at our home with SD to help her develop. BM has taken advice from me about how to handle things, and I have taken advice from her when it comes to her daughter. No matter what my opinion is of BM I still give her the benefit of the doubt. Even against my own DH's opinion. Why? because she is SD's mother. SD loves her mother! And I would never do anything to hurt SD or make her feel like she has to choose. From what I have seen, her mother extends the same respect to me.
Isn't that how it should be. Two very different women, who have a relationship with a child, setting aside their differences and dislikes of each other for the grater good of the child. You see, a stepmother could always walk away from that child, always! The bio parents can too but never as easily as a stepparent. So why push away the stepmother that wants to love your child as much as you love your child. Wouldn't that be the most ideal situation. Your child is LOVED!! not mistreated, not set aside, always taken care of, in your home and in the biodads home. Isn't that what we as parents(step or bio) should be striving for?
ok now I am ranting again

Jackie - posted on 07/14/2015

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A lot of these comments seem to be coming from defensive bio-moms who didn't fully read (or fully understand) the original post or who just want to vent their insecurities by bashing step mothers. It's ridiculous and very transparent.
I'm a mom, a step-mom, and my older daughter has a step-mom, too. I'm happy that my ex-husband and my daughter have her in their lives and are able to create a loving, warm home for her when she stays with them.
I'm frequently frustrated as a step-mom and often scared for my step-daughter. We recently learned that her mother hadn't been feeding her breakfast or lunch and that Step-Daughter had been crying herself to sleep every night, but is afraid to tell her mom and step dad. Does that seem very motherly? Is that evidence of a great mother-daughter bond? SD felt comfortable talking to me about it, because I make a huge effort to talk to the child and to help her feel safe and cared-for. At the same time, I am not attempting to come between her and her mother, although her mother regularly says negative things about me and SD's dad in front of SD; she actively alienates SD even though she was the one who had extramarital affairs, was physically abusive to my husband, and had already moved in with another man less than three months after she and my husband split up. This isn't an issue of me only hearing one side of the story, because we live nearby and I witnessed this drama unfold in my own neighborhood and within my circle of friends.
The fact is that most step moms are kind, loving women who are NOT attempting to replace the bio-mom. Unfortunately there is a very vocal, hateful group of insecure bio-moms who seem to want that to be the case!

Jackie - posted on 07/14/2015

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No, Jennieslim, that sort of jealousy is NOT observed in animals. Contrary to your unfounded belief, female animals often work together to raise each other's babies, even going so far to share nursing duties. Cats do it, lions do it, apes and monkeys do it, and even some birds do it. The jealousy and insecurity of the bio-mom vs. step-mom is a purely human creation.

I am a step mother, a bio-mother, and my daughter also has a step-mother and I'm GLAD she does!

I'm glad her bio-dad has a woman who he loves and who helps him be happy, because I sure don't want to live with him and try to be there for him in that way. We're divorced and we're much better for it! I will always be supportive of my daughter's relationship with her stepmother, because that woman is kind to my daughter and supportive of her. My daughter has told me that she considers her stepmother her friend and I'd even be all right with her calling her “mom,” because I have a rich and loving relationship with my daughter, and I'm confident she loves me.

It's unfair of bio-moms to make their children feel guilty for liking their step moms and step-moms already have it hard enough due to the way they are portrayed in the media and viewed by society. The step-mom bears a much greater emotional burden than bio-moms, bio-dads, or stepdads. Yeah, she got involved with a man with kids...blah blah blah! So what? Stepdads get involved with women with kids all the time and don't have to put up with the sky high expectations while also being subjected to such vitriol!

Be supportive of your child's step-mother, because the woman loves your child's father and will also love your child if given the opportunity. Unfortunately many bio-moms actively or subconsciously alienate their children against the step-mother, which does a great disservice to the child.

Nelia - posted on 07/12/2015

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I suppose you do these for the daughter and yet has so much anger in your heart because you did it while thinking you are doing it for someone else's daughter, correct? In this case, better not do it and let the father of the child do this so you do not harbour that anger in your heart. It hurts you. Not worth it.
They are not your kids. Never will be. You know that. You are showing it also. Guess you would never ever be so angry if what you did is for your own biological kids and never got any appreciation.
Like many people here have said, kids have cristal clear mind and heart. They know who treat them well and who don't. If you did it from your heart with true love, with no return, they will love you back, despite what their biological mother says.

Lawrence - posted on 06/29/2015

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It is way to often that we see emotions and/or comments about what children should say, treat or call step parents being ruled by insecurities, angry, and jealousy. Regardless if your the bio parent or not it's not about your feelings. The reality is if we love our children, bio or not and they are in a healthy relationship with their step parent who cares for them when they are sick, loves them and supports them; then we need to encourage that relationship disregarding our personal opinions and reservations. Children know who there bio parents are. It's ignorant and a cop out to imply they don't. If it's about the children's best interest then we need to support and encourage the step mother/father and support the children's decision if they chose to call them mom or dad. Creating difficulty in them naming their relationship with their step parent creates a lack of self confidence in the children and builds anxiety in trying to express their emotions. If we love them we support them helping them build tools to love, be loved and to succeed in life. It may not be easy, I agree it isn't. But if we decide to have children we have already made a concious decision to put them first, even if we feel it breaks our heart.

Ev - posted on 06/02/2015

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Connie--

I am glad that you are the kind of step mom that you are. But the unfortunate side to it is this: There are those step moms out there that just do not care for their step kids. It is a reality. I know both good and not so good step moms. My kids had two step moms that did not care much for them at all. And the current one expects to get some of the glory for being there. I give her credit for being there to take care of the daily needs but from what my kids told me she never once took care of their emotional needs when they were at her house. I tried to be nice to the women whom my ex had married but they wanted nothing to do with me because they only heard one side of the story and never tried to meet me in the middle. I just was respectful when I had to be around the current one out of the sake for my kids. But at the same time she was having fits because she was not mentioned in the parents section of the graduation inserts for both my kids senior years, had to sit where she did at my daughter's wedding and that her two older sons did not get to be in the wedding, and a few other things. And none of those occassions were about her to begin with. This really goes both ways. A step mom should recognize that mom is mom. Most do this. But for the few out there that do not, you need to realize that if mom is there, she is there.

Constaince - posted on 06/02/2015

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Their is so much hate for step mom's on here...I am a step mother to a beautiful little girl, who happens to call me mom. I did NOT force her. Anyway, we step mom's know that we are not their mother, duh, and so do the kids, we are not trying to take their mothers place. Being a mother isn't just giving birth to a child, it's about love, nurturing, and caring. There's a mother inside every woman, that's just how God made us. We step mom's fo EVERYTHING and I mean everything that a biomother does, we make sure they get up for school, make them breakfast, lunch and dinner, make sure they come home to a clean house. Wash their cloths and most importantly LOVE THEM. Heal them when their sick, even comfort them when they are missing their real mom. We do all these things that a biomother does and get no credit for it, but that's ok, we get credit from the only little person that counts. We are trying to be civil with the biomother and I completely understand how hurt she must be, seeing her child with another woman happy.
I was accused of doing the worst things to my stepdaughter, the most horrible thing that anyone can do to a child, and it's disgusting to think that she would think I would do something like that. And it all happened when her daughter called me mom for the first time and it happened to be in front of her. Cased closed btw. We take so much crap from people thinking they are better because they are biomother/father. Like I said it takes a person to be a parent not an oven.

Lizvilla - posted on 05/29/2015

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Jean, I have to disagree. You're assuming only men remarry and only stepmothers pose a problem. Children are statistically more likely to suffer from abuse in a home with their biological mother and a stepfather than living with a father and stepmother. You also fail to recognize who the number one abuser of small children tends to be, statistically: the biological mother.

Remember, these are statistics. These are not blankets claims about all parents or stepparents. But we need to stop pretending moms are saints. Speaking as the daughter of a very disturbed bio mom and wonderful stepmom, I find your comment uninformed.

Anna - posted on 04/27/2015

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You are not the only one but that's not the main issue. You seem to care too much what the biological mother thinks and does. Of course she's threatened and insecure but don't analyze that - it isn't your problem and there are professionals to help her. You don't need her acceptance or approval either, so let go of any thoughts about that. You do not need to discuss or defend how you parent or run your house. See the theme here? Support your stepchildren having a relationship with their mother but cut any chords you have - no worrying, no analyzing, no stressing, no communication with that woman. She sounds like a problem child. You do have to accept the other children your husband brought into the marriage, but not that one :-). Focus on your family. Some women cannot remain committed to their child's other biological parent yet also can't or won't seem to face the consequences that go along with their poor choices. Again, NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Don't let her emotional difficulties and character issues become toxic to you or your family. That also means dealing with the parental alienation head on, as it is form of child abuse. You and your husband should read Divorce Poison and absolutely challenge her on the alienation stuff, and make sure you confront her behavior and comments directly and honestly with the kids. You may need to consider the option of revisiting the custody arrangement if she continues to burden the children with her problems. What a piece of work.

Katie - posted on 04/24/2015

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Of course, you have a child I think most people see that family staying together I certainly would! In this case mum left, comes back every once in a while so I'm in the situation where I will be there 95% of time along with dad - I will be the one being vomited on, getting up and getting them to school with dad and their mum will see them once a month if she feels like it.

we waited (children are 7) until we were sure of our intentions together, we were very sure we wanted a future together before being introduced to his peanuts, my decision too as I didn't think it was fair to go into two little people's lives until I was sure I could commit to him and them. I think your completely right to make sure he is sure - if she's a good lady she will work with you and him - even though it's hard, and you sound like a good mum who just wants the best for her son.
I hope it all goes well for you and I think some of the stepmums who read this where mum is present will feel reassured that there are supportive mums out there who want to put their feelings aside for the sake of the children x I really wish you lots of luck

Valeria - posted on 04/24/2015

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It really isn't any step moms fault to fall in love with a man who has kids. In my situation the father of my baby boy started a relationship and hid it from me for 3 months until I found out about 3 weeks ago. We weren't together, but once you have a baby I guess you picture things working out for the baby and for our family. That's why I said Im not looking forward to having to meet the step-mom eventually. As I told the father of my baby, he cant mix his girlfriend with my son right now, until it becomes serious. I don't want him introducing every girlfriend he has specially if it has only been 3 months. I think im not wrong in that. But eventually if this girl sticks around than I will have no choice no matter how much it hurts. like you said its all about whats good for the baby, and as long as this girl has a kind heart than I have nothing to fight with. Just hope she loves my son and doesn't just off when his dad is around for show. Like I said I wish they were all great step mothers like you

Katie - posted on 04/24/2015

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I feel for you Stephanie you obviously love your son very much, I would so prefer the children's mum to be like this, accepting it's difficult but do what is right for them. I put them first I wish she could, it breaks my heart what she has done to those little ones as much as it would be harder for me i would prefer it as she is their mum, sadly she doesn't want to be I don't think.

I hope the lady who comes into your son's life is a good person, we're not all bad I promise you! I will never be the children's mum until they want me to be, just a very supportive adult in their lives. I never wanted to replace their mother the same as I never wanted my fathers wife to replace my mum (she never could have done as my mum was always there, my dad was not) my case is different than yours as the mum here doesn't want to be mum apart from one weekend a month, and that's rare - I don't understand this at all! I miss those peanuts when I don't see them for a few days. But if I was to be a step-mum with a mum very much in the picture id know I'd not be a replacement just another lady in their lives that would have different difficulties but I think a good mum is a mum and you can never replace her just be a good editon x I always imagined mum being the rule maker with dad and that would keep certain rules as she is their mother but different in my case as she doesn't want them anymore.

Valeria - posted on 04/24/2015

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I picture this to be my future of my son having a step-mother someday. To be completely honest, It is so hurtful thinking that my son could ever love another woman and see her as a mother other than me. I have been there since he was in my womb and I feel like he has one mother and one father. No need for any other people, but then I start thinking I will 1000x have a step-mother who is loving towards my son and love him and care for him when I am not there than have a witch that shows a pretty face but then treats my son like garbage. Its something I am personally not looking forward to. Some women are honestly great step-mothers, but its that fear of the biological mother that maybe the child is not treated or wanted the way we want them to be. I think that no one could ever treat or love my son the way his father and I do. I know in this situation you have a been a real mother to your kids and the mother not so much. I only wish every step mother was that caring to every child!

Katie - posted on 04/24/2015

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Women are just awful to other women. I came here looking for support as someone starting the journey into step-mummy hood.

Some Biological mothers out there who are rude and nasty to step mums need to remember something, not all biological mothers are good mothers - the one I have to deal with is a vile human being who couldn't give a dam about her children and just wanted money. - I hope to god those children never learn of this they certainly will not from me, they talk about their mum and I answer their questions but do not lie to them. The fact she is a bad mother is not just my opinion it was the opinion of the courts too, who granted full custody to the children's father - her response was apparently fine, not once during all the time of supposedly fighting for her children did she say she loved them - I have lost count of how many times she wants to see them only to change her mind an hour before, result two little people heartbroken.

I wish we could be "let's work this out for the benefit of the children" but this will never happen.. She doesn't want them, but doesn't want anyone else to have them either and that is not a mother in my opinion.

So biological mums, not all step mums are husband and children stealing ladies (I get the sense that's what most women think), some of us are really good people who want to just give the love with have too the little people who have come into our life to the very best of our abilities.

I intend to give everything I can to the best of my ability to the people coming into my life, not only did I fall in love with a wonderful man I made the decision to love his children too, a bit like any foster or adoptive parent would do, so whilst I will never be their biological mother it does not mean I can't be a loving caring parent and important part of their lives, I don't care what they call me but I will be there for them. Should one day they choose to make me their mum then that would be lovely, but I'm going to be there for them, it's up to them how we move forward with our relationship - and I think that's the way it should be.

So please to the ladies who keep being awful to step mums stop the bashing and war over the fact step-mums will never be as good as biological mums as some will be way better than their children's biological mothers, some won't I'm sure but give some of us some credit.

Sarah - posted on 04/15/2015

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I am in the same boat as you as a step mom! i try so hard but her witch of a mother sabotages out relationship by speaking ill of me to them. She is the most passive aggressive person i have ever meet I'm pretty sure she is delusional and have a mental disorder. .hang in there!!! and no your are not the only one !!!

K - posted on 04/14/2015

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I am both a bio and stepmom. I was widowed when my kids were 8 and 10, so their dad is no longer in their life. My step-son's mom has 50% custody, although we have him a bit more than that usually.
I've known my step-son longer than I've known my husband. I went into this open-eyed. Yellow Rose, she isn't your "daughter" unless the bio mom gives up rights or has them taken away. You can love her and support her, but the choices are between your husband and his ex-. You should be there for her when she's sick and love her and such, but that doesn't make you her mother. I'm sorry.
I would run into a burning building to save my step-son, but that doesn't make me his mom. He has one. I went into this with my eyes open. No matter how I feel or don't feel about his mom, he loves her, and I will never talk down about her to him, even if she does so about me (not saying she does). She and I do not communicate but to say "hello" politely. She and my husband are his parents, and therefore, they communicate. There are things in their parenting that I don't agree with, but as they are the parents, I might quietly discuss my thoughts with my husband, but the final choice is his and his exes. The same goes for him with my kids. He isn't their dad, even if they no longer have one on Earth.
The exception to all of this is if the child is doing something destructive and harmful to your home environment. Then you have the right to ask your spouse to intervene. But, again, your spouse, the parent, needs to do that. I don't mean silly household stuff. I will ask my step-son, for example, to put his dish in the dishwasher if he gets up from the table without doing so. If, however, he freaked and said no and swore at me (hasn't happened), I'd leave the punishment to his dad.
My kids will never have a stepmother, so I can't understand the jealousy a bio-mom might have. I'd like to think that had I been divorced and not widowed that I'd like to work with that mom to give my kids the best environment in both homes possible, but that she'd respect that I am the mom. But, of course, that's all in theory.

Amy - posted on 04/11/2015

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I am a bio mom. As I've gone through my own personal journey for the last 9 years and have reached out to online forums for support and help I'm truly saddened, infuriated and shocked by the raging war between the bio mom vs stepmother.

Our (my ex and I) history is one in which we tried very hard to create a loving atmosphere for our child as co-parents. We've done family time and our families still love and respect our extended families. That's not to say we haven't had our fair share of really major knock down blow out fights and differences. ..

For my story. .. the dad really didn't want to be there in the beginning. He was emotionally abusive to me (called me fat when I was pregnant! ). It was like pulling teeth to get him to watch our child. Just recently he tried to use the line that he was just a stupid kid when she was born.... well guess what? So was I. Except I was the mother. I carried her for 9 months in my belly. My body changed. My whole life changed. His virtually stayed the same. He still went out every weekend. He still could drink. He could go to sleep when he felt tired. I'm the one that had to grow up fast. But i don't regret a single second because it gave me my daughter who is also my heart.

But when we didn't work out as a couple, I had a choice. I could be bitter and vengeful, or I could work really hard at forgiveness. I chose forgiveness. It was really a hard and lonely path to go down. It's sadly not the path most ex couples seem to choose. And it was really hard doing it when I felt I was doing 90% of work.

8 months ago he moved 3000 miles away to be with his new girlfriend. He actively chose to leave his daughter. But he wants to play father of the year around his friends and family and new girlfriend. But guess what.... I let him. Because our child is 8. And she loves him. His new gf is looking like she'll most likely be stepmother. She is interested in our child and has a true desire to know and love her. I can't say it doesn't sting to watch that relationship mature. ... because motherhood is something most bio mothers don't want to share.

So it angers me to read stepmother rants about how the bio mother should just roll over and accept her (stepmother) as the new queen bee in the life of her (bio mom's) child. That you should be getting attention and accolades for the things you do as a parent. You chose to date and marry a man with a child or children and with that comes baggage. Being a true parent means getting vomited on, waking up when you're tired, eating cold food because the kid is hungry or whatever it is, and not seeking validation of what a good person you are and using it against the bio mother. Good. You did that? You stayed up with her while she was sick? Well bravo that is what you should do. Not so it can be used as a weapon later, but because you do in fact love your new step child. Maybe she didn't call because she does in fact trust your judgement and all the things you can offer as he mother figure when the child is in your care.

Maybe it's emotionally hard for her to deal with the new situation. .... just as it is for you. Maybe the answer is really looking at the woman on the other side of the story. Because all women need support and love. All women, bio mothers and step moms, know what a struggle and emotional drain it is sharing a child. It was never part of the master plan on either side. But here we stand.

And it becomes a choice. Do you choose love and compassion? Or do you choose to find anything and everthing to stock your arsenal against bio mom? Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and be the one to extend the olive branch. Maybe you'll have to do it a million times over. But anger is a cancer. I can attest to that. Love heals. Love makes for happy well adjusted children. You married a man with a kid. You were ready to love him and his child. .. but you seem to forget that you need to love the bio mother too. She's in their history. She needs to feel that your not just trying to erase her. It was her body that created that life. And she deserves your respect. As you do hers.

It's not to say some biological mothers aren't crappy. And some adoptive parents aren't just the most stellar parents on earth. But if bio mom is in the picture, then why not try to lift her up? And maybe, eventually she'll see the value in doing the same for you.

For my story. ... it's still being written. I'm human too. I have jealousy over the relationship my daughter has with her dad and his girlfriend. But I see a greater value in teaching her its ok to love the new woman and for the new woman to love her back. And sometimes..... it's really really hard to do that. So keep that in mind, please, as you search for your validation... bio mom is searching for hers. She has a natural right to her biological child. You don't. But it's wonderful you choose to accept and love this child. So continue to spread the love. To paraphrase one of my favorite quotes.... Hate doesn't chase away hate. Love does".

Mariah - posted on 04/05/2015

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I just want to say "BRAVO" and preach that, Lizvilla. Being a mom is an action!! If you birthed a child and don't act as a mother, you may still be BM but you are not a real mother. Just wanted to say thanks for your post. The goal for everyone should be for your CHILD to have healthy relationships and kept safe. LOVED THIS POST because you had real, true passion in it and you are right.

Mariah - posted on 04/05/2015

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sorry but when your husband is invited you are invited too, regardless of what they say. You two are one and you have every right to be involved in your kids lives (yes your kids too~! She can get over it~Sorry you are dealing with this.

Jessica - posted on 03/31/2015

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I'm guessing all u women downing stepmothers would b the jealous bio mom's correct? Let me go ahead n say yall dk what ur talking about lol If a mother doesn't take care of her child then she ain't much of a mother. Women give their kids up for adoption every day cuz they don't want em then when they get adopted they usually find someone who will live n care for em. Sorry but I'd b happy to know that my children were well taken care of when not in my house personally n if a woman ain't gonna step up n take care of her child the way a real mother should then them kids obviously need someone to step in n take care of em don't they and in my case my stepsons mom won't take him to the dr when he's sick so I have to cuz I have 3 month old twin girls whom he has gotten sick cuz that idiot send him to my house with pink eye, strepthroat, n other viruses now normally I wouldn't tell a woman how to raise her kid with some common sense but when it can affect my babies I'll b damned if I'll let that shit go!

Jennifer - posted on 03/27/2015

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You are the step mother because your child has a father.. let him be that child's father and take care those thing's! She's not insecure she's the mother it's natural even in observing animals! Don't be her step mother if you are making list of thing's you do for her!

E Faye - posted on 03/22/2015

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I goggled on the search of a stepmom verses an adopted mom in how it affects one's doings emotionally. My husband and I married 22 years ago with his daughters being 22 and 23. Due to the girls being adults, I have never looked at myself as their stepmom but as a very good friend who loves and cares for them. I have never stepped in to give them my advice or guidance unless they asked for it, which my now 44 year old stepdaughter has. My opinion to her was very positive and uplifting for her self esteem and her outlook in life to be positive. I ended up receiving a nasty message on our landline vm from the bio mom to stay out of her daughter's business and anything to do with Beverley was to only be between her as the mother and their father (my husband). Take note that my husband's ex wife and daughters live in England and we live in America. The whole scenario has become so complicated as years have gone by. My oldest stepdaughter has always stayed loyal to me as a dear friend with not allowing her mother to ridicule me and at times her sister, Beverly. I look at the relationship in comparison to where as a stepmom we give all our love and support standing behind their biological father as an adopted mom, as I see it, they provide all their love and support whether they are single or married. There is quite a difference I know, but what a stepmom tries to do innurturing with positivity, love, support, trials in life is quite a sacrifice of our own choosing. I have been told by both girls that their mum is very bitter and has a problem with me. I will never understand because the previous wife made the choice to break the marriage, there was 10 years between their divorce and my marriage to my husband. There have been times where my husband will go and visit his daughters and now grandchildren & great grandchildren for a period of 3 weeks, which is very important, on a yearly basis. My heartache is that I sometimes cannot go because of my obligation to my employment. My heart aches to not be able to see my 'blended' family and miss my husband terribly. I have been told by others from the UK that I am the step mother and that is it. It hurts very deeply. I am the one who takes care of birthdays, Christmas, summer vacations, emergencies, etc. and yet I am just the step mom. When I am there, the biological mother refuses to have me attend any family events because it is 'her' family and yet when I am not there, my husband is welcomed to join family events. My stepdaughters state they do not have me included to attend the events because they never know what their mum is going to say or do to be mean to me. I will note, my husband always stands by my side and never leaves me alone. So, with writing this, I now see the difference between a stepmom and an adopted mom; a step mom has to contend with the bitterness and jealousy of the previous wife because of her regrets whereas an adopted mother does not have that person involved in her life. 'step' does mean stepping in to love and care no matter what and stand by as a friend, guardian and not as the word, 'mom'. fc

Connie - posted on 03/08/2015

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I can only reply by stating that you have made judging statements about the Mother and possibly this is the reason some Mother's do not get along with the stepmothers.

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