BIO Mother VS Step Mother

Yellow - posted on 05/14/2011 ( 224 moms have responded )

63

81

5

The more I think about it, the more it upsets me..
Why is it that birth mothers feel like they are just so much better than a step-mother could ever be? Why are they threatened with someone actually loving their children and their children loving that woman back, in a motherly way? When they claim they are so secure in their motherhood, when their actions show anything but security? When I was up with my daughter (step-daughter) when she couldn't breath Why didn't her birth mother call her to check on her? I am sorry but if my child was away from me for 2 weeks, I would call in general to see how she is doing... but if I found out they were sick while away from me, I would sure as hell call and check on them!!!

I have done so much for my children, that woman will never think anything I do is good enough. Even after I spend hours in the ER with her, waking up every hour to make sure she is breathing, giving her medicine at all hours of the night, holding her while she vomits on me because she is sick and then cleaning it up, holding them when they wake up from a bad dream and are calling for me....

Why do all of those things anger me when she shows not an ounce of concern? especially when she is bragging about being mommy of the year! I guess it angers me knowing all the things I have done for those children because it was from the heart, only to hear from my kids all the ugly things their mother is saying about their father and I....trying to turn them against us...

Please tell me I am not the only one.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Kristina - posted on 03/15/2014

1

0

0

You are not the child's mom. You are a step mother. She is not the "bio" mom. She is the MOTHER. Why are they better than step moms? Because they have a bond with that child that you will never, ever have. No matter how much you stay up with them at night, their MOTHER is their MOTHER. It may be that you feel resentment toward the child's mom because you're not their mother yet you have the responsibilities of a mother. If that is the case then you are definitely showing it in your behavior toward the kid.

MOTHER=MOM/MOTHER
STEPMOTHER=Adult female caregiver that's married to DAD

Christina - posted on 05/16/2011

1,513

28

140

Women have no issues with their children calling their new husbands, "Daddy," so they need to shut the hell up when their ex's remarry and their kids call the step-mom, "Mommy."

Yellow - posted on 07/17/2013

63

81

5

Katrina, I am so incredibly sorry that not only are your children going through that type of abuse but that you are having to also. That is wrong that your kids father is even allowing that type of crap to go on in his home and to his own children. You are right, they are getting older and they will realize a lot of what is going on in their time and the older they get, the more they will see a much clearer picture. They will also see a much clearer picture of you and know that you are the better person. I could never imagine treating a person let alone a child like that. It is women like that that give step-mothers a bad name and make us all look like we are crazy, bitter bitches.

I am the step-mother that Blonde Jan talks about. I take the backseat in a lot of ways. I have always encouraged my step-children, and have always showed them that I am perfectly accepting that they have a BM and that I have never intended to take their mothers place. I attend school functions (when we are told about them), I always drive 3 hours to pick them up. I am very active in their life. When they come to visit their dad, I am there front and center. I always told myself that they have a mom and that I am not going to force them to have a relationship with me, and by me doing what I am doing, they are able to see the difference between their BM and myself. They see their BM bad mouthing and belittling their father and I, they see her not being as much of a loving person as I am. My 7 yr old SS has even told me "Why are you so nice to us about our mommy but Mommy is not nice about you and daddy?". That alone tells me everything. When a 7 year old can see that his own mother is not a nice person, then that is when I know I am doing the right thing.
As much crap as their mother talks about us, my husband and I do our best to refrain from comments. Do not get me wrong, there have been times where I have popped off something, but I try and pick and choose my battles.

I just do not understand why people think that they are making the situation better by treating others bad. Even when I am dealing with my husbands ex, I have always just been respectful to her. I talk to her with kindness, I smile and I do my best to to keep my cool. It is very hard, most of the time. Its very hard to be crapped on by someone more than once and just show them that you aren't bothered.

I wish the best of luck to everyone here that is dealing with mean step-moms and mean bio moms. You all are strong and wonderful ladies, I know that neither role is not easy. Let us all just remember the important thing, The Children.

Sarah - posted on 08/06/2013

1

0

0

I can completely relate to what you are going through. I am a stepmother to 2 boys, ages 9 and 13. Recently, the bio mom decided that I should not be allowed to attend the kids' sporting events and recitals. She turns the boys away from us by telling them inappropriate things. She has called me names on a number of occasions, and what bothers me is that the boys won't acknowledge that she has done anything wrong. She is always "perfect" in their eyes. When I try to tell the boys how I feel, they won't listen. I never speak badly of their mother, even though I'd like to.

I have been with the boys for 5 years (married and living with their dad). I, too have cared for them when they were sick, cleaned up their vomit, combed lice out of their hair, and cooked them numerous meals. Often, they tell me that my food isn't as good as their mommy's and that I should prepare it their mommy's way. I am so sick of this. I am underappreciated and feel like I have no voice. Everyone else in this household is allowed to have feelings except me.

Megan - posted on 05/15/2011

13,092

16

89

I have two bio kids living with me along with 3 SK's i just know i wouldnt like it if my bio logical children called there SM "mom," it hurts.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

224 Comments

View replies by

Donna - posted 3 days ago

3

0

0

I don't think it's easy being the bio or step mom. I have decided that it's important to not focus on the other woman. Focus on yourself and your husband. Doing what is about your own feelings and taking into account the kids feelings of course. Ignore her and reinforce your boundaries and decide what you want for your life. Find creative ways to cope and handle issues. Take care of you because people tend to judge and lose focus of what's important. The kids grow up and move on. I want to be healthy and have a great marriage. That is what my focus is! I could be the worlds greatest step mom, but we are just going to get a bad rap no matter how great we are. Don't take on any extra motherly duties than you have to. Don't invest or get too attached! My step son is 8 and is just as manipulative as his mother. He gets in our vehicle and states all he thinks about is living with me. Then later his mom states I told him he could come live with us. She is crazy! The more her son is around us the more contact from her and the more craziness that creates conflict in our marriage. She is remarried, but doesn't want me around because I interfere with her trying to be the alpha wolf in my husbands life. She took financial advantage of my husband. He believed all the expenses she claimed to have without providing a receipt. My husband has a TBI. No one knew this until I discovered something was wrong. It happened two years before she left him for another man. She kept him on a string for several years. She obviously didn't love him or she would have addressed his health issues. She didn't even cry when he stepped on IED in Iraq. She has focused a lot of time on contacting my husbands family and turning them against me. I am fine with the few members that used us and now doesn't want me around because We will no longer be used. I'm not going to allow my husband to keep paying for things his family wants. My kids are gown, my daughters have had women in their dad's life. I leave them alone and stay out of their business. I really don't care and have zero jealousy. We all get along and no drama on my side.

Karina - posted on 09/10/2014

10

0

1

So would it be the same do not let a child live in a house where the mother has remarried? That is just ridiculous! I know for fact that if it where not for me my children would never have known what a good mother looks like and I am the step mother and no that is not an opinion!!

Jenny - posted on 08/25/2014

16

0

0

Wow, some of the comments on here are really sad, bitter and very hateful towards stepmothers.

and I am saying this as someone who cannot stand for the life of me my own ex stepmother.

I do not think most issues with a step and bio mom are caused by the step. It can be either one to initiate the issue due to Ego's and Jealousy.

I don't see why it should be a problem for a bio mom, to have a stepmother for her children that love them and want to nurture them when they are under their roof. On the contrary, I feel a bio mom should be happy and grateful that the woman the father chose, chooses to love the children and treat them right. Because believe me it is a choice! I chose to do what I do for my SD because I care for her and her father.

Lets turn this around, if that bio mom remarries and her husband took on the role of father figure in the home, is that a problem? From what I have personally seen, no it is not a problem, the men are put on a pedastool and people say, "oh, what a wonderful man he is, he treats my kids so well, like if they where his"

Why can't a father or a mother be happy with their new partners and all 4 love the child enough to put aside petty crap about "ohh, I don't want my child to love another woman like the child would love me"

As a stepdaughter I wish my stepmother would have loved us the way I love my stepdaughter. I wish my stepmother would have wanted to treat us like her own, especially since we where so young when she came into the picture and we had lost our own mother.

I tell everyone around me and around my stepdaughter that she has her mother and we both know our place. We respect what her mother's wishes are but her mother also knows that in our home BF and I set the rules, NOT bio mom. (if it was up to bio mom there would be no rules) in her home her and her bf set their rules. We've never had an issue with this. Before I came into the picture, SD would never dare to mention her mom to my BF or MIL because they would always be negative about bio mom. Now SD trusts me enough to talk to me, to mention bio mom and things they do at home. She trusts me enough to tell me if something hurts or if she doesn't feel well, something she never did with my BF or MIL or her own bio mom(I know this because her own bio mom has said that to us)

Our issues stem from money mostly, Bio mom takes the money and dumps SD at our MIL's house during SD's time with her Bio Mom. Our issues with bio mom include the fact that she is a bit neglectful of her health and nutrition.

But I guess I am lucky that bio mom and I can leave out the petty crap about who her daughter loves more and who her MOM is, to insure she knows she is loved at any home she is in.

and trust and believe! you do not have to be a bio mom to form a bond with a child, I saw it in my SD this weekend when I noticed signs of jealousy towards my nephew from her. Although I am not happy that she felt she needed to stray my attention away from my nephew back to her, it did show me the extent of how she see's me. She did not want to share me! (and yes, we did talk to her about her behavior and that she should know I love her just as much as my nephew)

Megen - posted on 08/14/2014

1

0

0

Coming from a mom (stepmom) myself, I see there's a lot of baby mama dramas in here. I don't care what any of you women say about step parents there real can be just as real as a bio moms. It doesn't take blood to build a bond. If that was the case then why do people adopt? If your baby mama drama bad mouths you to the kids ignore it. Regardless of what one parent does, doesn't give the other parent the right to talk bad. It's like telling a child that half of them is bad instead build the other parent up and only speak of the positives. When the child's old enough they'll realize what's going on. The more they try to tear you down the more they tear themselves down. I don't even let my step kids mother get to me anymore. She couldn't compare to me on my worst day. Just focus on you, your husband, and your babies.

Severina - posted on 08/13/2014

7

0

2

I agree with yous as a stepdaughter. The second wife - the stepmother - endures the children of her second husband but she really loves only HER OWN children. So, it is better for the stepchild not to live in your fathers new family.

Sharon Spencer - posted on 08/05/2014

30

0

5

That is the worst thing that I have seen on this site. I am appalled.

Jean - posted on 07/31/2014

1

0

0

A "step mother" is created only when a father marries a woman not the mother of his children.; The mother is always the mother but the "step mother" will only be the "step mother" until the husband takes another new wife. Most hate relationships between step and mother are caused by the step (jealousy) who may have never even met the mother (as in my experience as a step child.). I think the best answer to "step mother" problems is not to allow a child to live in the home where a father married again. Bottom line is that "step mothers" are desperate to marry a man and would be a lot better off without another woman's children under her roof.

Grayfeather

Mary - posted on 07/20/2014

4

0

0

I wish someone would explain to me why the term step mother is even used. You are a second wife. If you are performing the duties of a mother for a child that is not yours, then you are doing it to appease your husband. The child is his and his ex-wifes. Not yours in any way.If you are unhappy with that then maybe it is the child's father you need to deal with. The child did not ask for 2 mommies you were forced on the child by it's father. Dad's decision is what put the child in this position. If more second wives starting looking at this from a child's perspective maybe they would see this in a whole nother light. Second wives are a part of their husband's life, not his child. If dad wants to see his child then he should not make you responsible for his child's needs and requirements. That is HIS responsiblity. If you are fulfilling these requirements to please your husband DO NOT take it out on that child. What everyone in these situations forgets ALWAYS is that NO child has asked to be a part of this. These children are the VICTIMS of adults who have no regard for any happiness but there own. How many times have a heard it said that a child must accept the fact that Mommy or Daddy has a right to be happy. At the child's expense, of course. Children are PEOPLE not POSSESIONS. The children are the only ones who get my heart in these issues because they are truly the innocents who get hurt.

Lizvilla - posted on 07/07/2014

3

0

0

It is a good thing they aren't living with her. She doesn't sound all that stable, mature or rational. Thank you for putting that up there. There are so, so many women who do this, and our society likes to act like they are anomalies. When that happens it hurts the kids and disregards the mother's work a stepmother does. It seems thankless, based on what I've seen here. The step moms are too cold or too eager to replace the biomom. I doubt every single stepmom being badmouthed here is a witch. I suspect the witch factor is evenly spread on either side.

We might as well be real, here: the ultimate measure of womanhood is motherhood. Many noncustodial moms had custody taken away from them through child protective services due to addiction and mental illness. Men have their kids taken from them when biomoms decide they don't like the new partner. That is the most common cause for losing joint custody. And men don't get judged as less than, when they go through this. It is acceptable, expected, ordinary. The sexism is on both ends and is double edged for both, but the real losers are the kids.

As a mom and a school employee (I am your friendly sub!) I see so many parents and grandparents who are involved and ready to do whatever it takes for their kids. It's great because I see it across all socioeconomic boundaries and these kids just respond so well when things at school and home sync up. Step parents do it, too. And they are just as important as parents - I know that is sacrilege to many bioparents, but it's a fact. Involved adults make for happier,healthier kids. But I am so, so tired of having to be mindful about not mentioning step moms to moms. This is a consistent theme. We have to be aware of certain people being in the same building together because they will start a scene. The WORST offenders are the custodial moms who refuse to let step moms pick kids up from school, even though the dad has them at those times. Our principal had to be advised by the school district's attorney,who had to read the custody papers, in order to figure out who was going to pick a five year old up from school. The kid had to wait two hours in the principal's office and the stepmother was made to sit in the parking lot while the mother raised hell.

Miranda - posted on 07/07/2014

1

0

0

OMG I so relate to this times a million. My husband and i have full custody of his two and my two. His dumb ex is crazy and she is evil she yells things like they came from my crotch.. yeah volger much . She is nothing more then an icubator posting pics of them on her 2 hours a week visits when she takes them all over FB like mother of the year.. oh let add she uses pic on dating websites seriously low. she cares nothing for them and she pays not a dime to support them . She sees them less then 10 hours a month yet plasters her FB with pics.. seriously it sick.. They call me mom and she gets mad. I told my kids they need to call her mom she is their mom and my 9 year old said well she doesn't act that way.. in the end the kids know and they will carry thats. as for bio mom its sad the monster she has become.

Lizvilla - posted on 07/07/2014

3

0

0

Twenty eight percent of children living with a single parent are living with their father. When children live with their father they are more likely to receive no chid support or visitation from the noncustodial parent than are children who live with their mothers. These children are not anomalies, despite the fact that they are “exceptions.” Motherless children are not the unicorns of the parenting world. They are, sadly, a sizable portion of our population. I grew up thinking this never happened to other people and was profoundly shocked to find it isn’t. I have to disagree with your notion that this is somehow rare.

AndI don’t understand your point about “taking away” from a biomom. What’s being “taken away?” If someone loves your kid and wants to mother them, it doesn’t mean your mothering is “taken away.” It means another person cares about your kid. I would think this is a good thing? Think about it this way: You want your kids’ teachers to have good relationships with them, too, right? And many teachers have genuinely loving bonds with students. Is that taking anything away from their mothers?It’s benefiting the kid. I would think, especially in divorce situations, that you want your kid to get as much tlc and support as they can get. Kids from broken homes often feel unimportant and pushed aside when a new partner is around.

To be honest I don’t understand your response because you ended up talking about step moms who didn’t care for your kids, which is another issue. I am sorry your kids had to go through such painful situations. Yes, many biological mothers are bonded with their kids. But if you’re going to complain about stepmothers you need to realize many of them necessarily have to step into the mother’s role because there are mothers who leave and a woman’s feelings aren’t the end all, be all just because she carried a baby to term.

EW - posted on 07/04/2014

9

0

0

It's rude to call a mother of the children you claim to love "crazy." Whatever insecurities she may have, she should own that. That said, stepmother's ought to have respect for those insecurities.
Sorry. I don't see my children's stepmother as a 'bonus mom,' as much as the mother of three additional little challenges that prevent my children full access to their father. She's not the one that soothes my kid's feeling when Mr. Wonderful forgets a birthday, Christmas, or cancelled visitations to do something for her? When my children started visiting their father's house, they were put out of their beds when she moved in and relegated to the floor and couches. Did that irritate me? You bet.
Dad treats his children different now. When he came home for the holidays, it was requested our children be able to accompany her to the airport to see their dad for the first time in four months~ she said there wasn't enough room in the van for them all to fit safely. Same van they'd been using for a year. My little girl, the baby of OUR children, wanted to see her dad. WHY on earth should a child have to compete with another woman's for their father's affection and attention?
Now that the they have moved far away, the kid's only see their dad minimally. They were promised beds when they arrived. They do not have them. They were promised time alone with their dad. They have gotten very, very little. My daughter already doesn't want to go back~ as her children are telling them to get out. My youngest is struggling with these kids calling her father, 'Daddy."
When they had a family portrait done~ our children were left out. How convenient. Yet, she calls my kids, "hers." Pick a story line and stay with it.

And yes, I am a tad bit bitter about the kids having to beg for their father's attention~ been there, done that with my own father and stepmother. Her kid's got gold chains for Christmas while my brother and I got house plants.

Divorce sucks.

EW - posted on 07/04/2014

9

0

0

One lets go. She is an adult. I have had to do this with my own daughter, and I raised her. This generation has an attitude of entitlement~ as hard as that is, let it go and someday, she will grow up.

Mommy - posted on 06/26/2014

1

0

0

I'm not really sure if the people involved are still going to read this, but here goes: I've been with the same man now for 21 years, married 16, he had a little girl who was 1 when I met him. I the same except she was 6 months old. When we met it was great.

We dated for 5 years before we got married. We planned everything around my stepdaughters and her mother schedule, because we wanted her included in everything that we did. Her mother made it very difficult for us, used the child as a weapon for years. That young lady came to our home everyday after school because her mom worked. My husband didn;t want her to be a latch key child. I was fortunate that I was home with them. They went to school together, different grades, but came home on the same bus for years. Then her mom decided to move into a new school district on purpose because she felt she didn;t need to come over anymore because she was sick of picking her up twice a week, and we drove her home the other days. Needless to say, we now had to go a meet her at the bus stop, my husband was working, so I did it for years, without a problem, I love this girl like my own. Always did always will. I TOOK HER to dr. appts, dentists, check ups, warts burned off, wisdom teeth extracted, they mother never took her to the Dr., but had the nerve to call one day screaming at us because the one time she did take her the Dr. Office didn't know who she was. (Not my fault) We listed her information in her file, she never had time for this stuff. It was always me, my husband was and is still very greatful for the love and care I give her. He supports me till this day.
But now, she is 22 and the last 4 years have been terrible. She hurts my husband so bad, with her nasty attitude, thinks she is better than anyone and she isnt. All the years we planned everything around the court ordered visitation so she wouldn't miss anything, I've thrown her every birthday party, graduation party, etc., for her, listened to her cry how bad her mother was to her, she couldn't stand her, bla bla bla, Cooked her meals, bought her extra stuff clothing whatever she wanted in addition to child support paid because I love her like my own.

AND NOW this monster, She went to a very expensive college, her financial aid did not cover it, we invested over $20,000 in her college, part of it because she failed courses and it cost us $8,000 for summer sessions so she could get her financial aid back. Her mother would not do it. She promised to pay back $2,000 in payments to us. 2 years later not 1 penny has been offered to pay.

She is still rude, very mean, comes around when there is a holiday or maybe show her face for an hour. She has all the time in the world for her mother side and that family. AFTER 21 YEARS THIS IS WHAT YOU GET. My husband and I can lay our head down at night knowing we raised her the right with values and tried to keep them instilled but why the hurt. HE WAS NEVER A WEEKEND DAD or A PART TIME DAD, we went to every school event, sport played, concert. Don't get it. The hurt is terrible. But yet when she comes around my husband, me our daughter and son don;t get excited anymore and she gets pissy. Too much hurt. This is the thanks for 21 years of loving someone like your own. The mother condones all her actions for years. What does one do?????

EW - posted on 06/25/2014

9

0

0

I'm the Mom.

I have given birth, adopted, and fostered children. I have also been a stepmother twice. My grown stepsons and my two new stepchildren are very nice young men and a lady.

That said, I have a different take on this respect my children's mother by not assuming the children will automatically love, respect, or want me to be a part of their lives. They didn't ask their parents to get divorced and had very little say with my marrying their father. No matter how much I may like or love them, I will NEVER be the mother that carried or nurtured them from the cradle.

Also, a birth mother is a woman who chose to place her child for adoption. Unless your stepdaughter's mother has done this, she is the mother. That may ruffles some feathers, but she is mother. Even if your husband has custody, she is still the mother. That is something that should simply be accepted.

I am dealing with a stepmother that was once my friend, but now has placed me in a position to ask the court for limited visitation due to multiple issues. She has placed my children with relatives that walked into the room swinging a belt at my then 7 and 9 year old son and daughter; required my teenagers to watch their step siblings while she goes to direct sales conventions; smoked cigarettes in an enclosed vehicle despite being asked politely (by the kids and I) not too; held my son down and force fed him his medication; and generally left them unsupervised. Now, my daughter has issues with blood sugar and I have learned she is being allowed to eat whatever she wants. Then, there's presenting my children as her own when they are out in public~ despite my older children telling her repeatedly it makes them uncomfortable.

I was once amenable to working with this woman and the children's father until any wishes I requested for my children have basically been ignored. The kids can't go anywhere with their dad without her sending one of her children along...and if they do have an opportunity, that is quickly sabotaged because he must go back to the house and rescue her from her children's multiple issues.

My kid's are there now and have been begging to come home since the second day.... They don't want to be left with her all day.

I'm the mom. Because she cannot follow moderate, reasonable requests regarding my children, we are going to have to go back to court.

I am the mom. Period.

Marian - posted on 06/24/2014

5

0

0

I guess it just depends on your situation. I know very well that my step-daughter (5 years old) will always need her mother and I am in no need to compete with that woman. I know that the most I will be in the end is a "friend" to her but if she wants to call me "mummy" then thats her decision, I won't force her. But a few months ago, she decided herself to call me mummy and my husband (bio dad) and I were so happy about it. I never even once thought "I'm going to be a better mum than her real one". All I could think of was "be nice to her (step-daughter) so she will like you" haha I value my relationship with her and prefer to focus on that than waste my time on thinking about how I can be "better" than the ex. I do not have time to waste precious energy on that person.

But I can also understand why bio mums don't like step mothers, deep down you know you don't. Yes bio mums have a different bond with their children but in my situation I do have to question her bond and security with her child. Because why would she b**ch about me all the time then? In my opinion, she just jealous that her children can have motherly relationships with another person, I understand because I know I would be too. In my situation though, I know she is also irritated about me because she knows she lost a loving, caring, amazing, respectful man. My husband was the one that filed for the divorce. And even now she thinks she is still his "wife". Hurts my head to think about how crazy she is.

Pamela - posted on 06/13/2014

15

0

0

I think step-parents and grandparents are very similiar at times. There are limits and restrictions.

Pamela - posted on 06/13/2014

15

0

0

I am a non-custodial step-mom and a custodial bio-mom. I have been a custodial step-parent.
After reading your words, I have to wonder did she want you to do this or was the situation forced because of legal issues caused by blended families.
She can be secure as a mother but not appreciate giving up her mothering time with her children to another person. I think she should make the best of it but sometimes that is very difficult.
As far as calling you?
Well, you sound like a very hostile person toward this mother. Have you made communication with her children and her parenting partner(your husband) difficult? Do you respect the relationship between your husband and her? Do you respect the relationship with her child(your stepchild)?

After reading your words, I get the impression you got the wrong idea. I may be missing something in your words.

What I see is a step-parent who is acting in a parental role and wants recognition for what she has done.
Here is what you missed. Bio-parents don't get recognition because this is what is expected. If they list what they have done, everyone says good job but that is what you are supposed to do. If a step-parent does it, others will say, "How nice that you made that choice!" If you don't want to be treated like a step-parent, stop asking for recognition because parenting is a selfless and unappreciated role(until the kids are older if your lucky).

Plus what makes step-parents think they get to claim to be the mother or father? Is it because of a marriage certificate? If you think a marriage certificate lets you call a child yours then why do you discredit a birth certificate? Isn't a marriage certificate a measure of a relationship between a husband and wife? A birth certificate list a relationship between a mother, father and child. I think the birth certificate rules in most cases. Do you think it Is because of what you have done? I think in some cases it is warranted. I think in some cases, the step-parent doesn't respect their own role. They are not realistic to what their marriage really is and what it brought with it. I think in some cases some step-parents step up when the natural parent doesn't and this is wonderful. I think it is awful when a step-parent feels they are more to a child then a parent, when the other parent wants to be that and is prevented due to the situational and legal issues. Example: If your partner has custody, and you get to do more parenting then the natural parent. My heart goes out to those children who are prevented from having the love of all involved. I say put all the Ego's aside, recognize the importance of a natural parent to a child. Do your best to love that relationship on both sides. Grow it and make it the best it can be for the child. If the other parent isn't there, then do your best to be the best you can.

Step-parents recognize what you are and where you are needed! When you marry your partner with children, your relationship will have extra issues due to the children. You are going to be second at times. You may even be third or fourth. The children must come first. I wish I had better words to say this. Step-parents, if your parenting skills are not needed, then step aside and let the natural parents do it. Don't do it because you can or because you are available. If a natural parent is available, then make it so they are the ones. Your partner was given custody. Part of having custody, is being the parent who is best able to foster and respect the relationship between the non-custodial parent and child. I feel that the custodial parent needs to make sure the relationship between non-custodial and the child is at the top of their list, especially in situations when the other parent wants access. Parental and step-parental agreements need to be put aside.


My step-child and I love each other very much. Her mother dislikes me. I feel I do a better job at parenting my step-child. However, I would never begin to call myself mom. Parents have the right to parent their children. There are many different styles. I respect her right to do it her way.

Pamela - posted on 06/13/2014

15

0

0

I agree with you. It is OK for a step-parent to step up and be the parent when there is a need. However, if the natural parents are active(this includes non-custodials) then step-parents should love that child enough to allow the main relationship to be between the child and natural parent. When custodial step-parents claim their relationship is so strong compared to the non-custodial natural parent(due to legalities not absentee), They had time that the natural parents missed out on, due to custodial and non-custodial boundaries. In blended families, that time needs to be with a natural parent unless impossible.

My words are for families that have two parents who want to be a part of their childs life but a custodial and a non-custodial must be chosen due to a broken romantic relationship.

Milagros - posted on 06/12/2014

35

0

2

very sad but true and its happening alot in america today its sad how (some) step parents instead of overlooking n understanding the roll of step parenting now in modern times move aside you are in the picture of the family respect the role of being a step parent and stop competing with bio parent cause at the end its competition nobody is running race its whats best fo rthe children i agree with you yellowrose god bless hope everything works out for you and your family

Evelyn - posted on 06/12/2014

3,530

7

873

Love you Forever- This woman has never tried to love my kids. She has not tried to be a friend, mentor, or anything to them. She was with my daughter for a short time but then she and my ex would take advantage of her because she was so much older than the younger ones to be a built in sitter. She has always disliked my son for whatever reason. But she still thinks she can tell my ex how the visitation should go or how to handle a situation that is between me and him. He seeks out her permission almost when it comes to things he and I have to decide on. He has to check with her first! I know not all step moms are bad or intentionally take over things or what have you, but both of their step moms never once to my knowledge tried to make my kids feel they belonged.

[deleted account]

Evelyn- I'm sorry that you have to deal with that. You are right to think how you do... There are just certain things that moms and dads have responsibilities over and it is no one else's place to make these choices. Its so rude to come into a family and start demanding how things should be. If that was me I would try to n gain the mother's respect and trust not make demands and put ur put their nose where it doesn't belong. I think some (not all) feel that because they do motherly things that means they can make all the parenting decisions and that's the tough thing for them to swallow... That even though you're a parent figure you still need to step aside because you're not their mother. So stressful.

Evelyn - posted on 06/12/2014

3,530

7

873

Love You Forever--And you are also right. But as I have said in previous posts, my kids have not had good experience with step moms. Those two had children also from other relationships and did not even try with my kids at all. THe current one still tries to stick her two cents in when its our talk over visitation, medical things, and other issues that are best left to the mom and dad. She thinks because she is in the picture she has a say in those important issues too and she clearly does not have a say at all. She also seems to think she knows my kids so well when she does not. I have tried to be nice to her. In public it is easy to be but sometimes out of public sight....its horrid. I have a problem with her trying to run things for my kids when its not even her concerns. And I know she has only heard one side of the story. But in the end, both times, it has not worked out that there was common politeness just for the sake of the kids.

[deleted account]

Evelyn- you are right. Step parents are parents and they love our children and that's wonderful because let's be honest how could they not :). I have a step father and he's awesome he always encouraged my relationship with my dad and never stepped on toes. That's how it should be... He didn't try to take my dad's place he just loved me and supported me! Its very true that the step mother only hears one side and automatically think the mother is crazy or something. Its not fair... We give up everything for our children and its not an easy thing having someone else trying to be a mother. I just wish that we can all respect boundaries. Also in my situation the step mom is very insecure with me and my ex co parenting and tries to control everything. Its tiring and would be so much easier if we all just put ourselves in the other womans shoes. I know I get why step moms have insecurities and I get why they feel how they do... But I never see anyone looking at it from the bio moms point of view.... We're just monsters who are crazy lol.

Evelyn - posted on 06/12/2014

3,530

7

873

Love You Forever--there is a very special bond between mothers and their children. I had it from the first time I knew I was expecting. But a lot of step moms are mothers in their own rights too. I am those that are mothers understand the bonding with the child. But they also have to learn boundaries when the step kids' mother is still active and in the picture. What is at issue here is the fact that a lot of step moms are told one side of the story by their husband or partner. THey do not really know the mother and so when the mother calls, asks for help with something, or is trying to work out issues with the father, they seem to think that their partner is right about the ex. That point is that the kids are the ones who are going to loose out if the parents...steps included....keep arguing over this and that.

[deleted account]

I'll say it again... There is a special bond and maybe some MOTHERS (screw bio mother talk) aren't very good mother... Point taken! But most mother's out there have this bond with their children and frankly the love a mother has for her children is nothing you can compare too. There is no love like it. If mother's don't feel this then maybe there is a disconnect in your love?

Don't be so ignorant to the mother's you care day in and day out for their children! They will and have given up everything for their children and it's the most selfless love out there.

Step moms are there to love and support their step children and sometimes step in when the mother can't be there. But for the majority of us mother's there is 110% a bond there and I feel sorry for any mother that d doesn't feel that. No bruised egos here... We are thankful people love our children... But if the mother is active the step parent should know her boundaries and know when to step a side. Its about boundaries not egos!

Evelyn - posted on 06/12/2014

3,530

7

873

Lizville--I know you do not want to hear about the "bond of mother and child". That being said, there are mothers similar to your mother who just decide not to be a mother to her children. That is an exception to the fact. What they are talking about here is the moms who are very involved in their kids lives and who have given their all to their kids. It hurts when another woman does become a step parent to your kids and tries to be their mother. It takes away from the bio mom because she has put her effort and love into her children. The step parent is a support to the family as is said in several posts. She can love those kids as if they were her own, but the bottom line is at the end of the day, MOM is there. Mom will be there no matter what. You have lived this angle from the point of view of the child also. So you know that if you were not to be with your kids' father ( assuming that you are with him) someday, and he remarried or had another GF, how would you feel if you tried to be polite and respectful to the new lady in the family and got no where? All this woman has heard from the get go is what the man tells her about his ex. And not all of it is good. So she forms her opinion based on those set of facts from HIS point of view. THat is what this all is...points of view. My kids have had two step moms that were not very good to them and I know that not all step moms are bad. These two women have "put up with my kids" being there. They did not try to make them part of the family or feel that way, they were not motherly towards them, did not really include them, and from what my kids told me, it sounded like my kids were a burden. The second step mom has in the past made it clear several times that she did not want my son around when she had said she wanted to move my son out of the house. She tried to dictate my daughter's life once my daughter got into college with her father when they were expecting a baby. They wanted her there the day her brother came back to spend the rest of his Christmas Break with them. My daughter chose to do other things and they told her to move out. SHe did. She was an adult at the time...19 going on 20 and was making her own choices and living her life.

Step moms do have a place in the lives of the children they come to know. But they have to realize that the ones whose own mothers are active in their lives are there. They have to make an effort to work with the mom and dad to make life as peaceful for them as possible. Step moms have to also know when not to get involved in certain things that are to be decided on by the mother and father of the children.

Lizvilla - posted on 06/12/2014

3

0

0

I joined this community just to respond to this post. See, my stepmother has been more of a mother to me than my biological mother ever was. She is the kindest, most motherly and caring being on the planet. And I just can not believe the arrogance I am reading on this board. Motherhood is an act, not a right. I say this as a mother of three children. And we do not own our children. We don't get to decide loving people should be exed out of their lives because their care bruises our egos. If you are a single mother you should be thanking your lucky stars if someone loves your child enough to mother them in your absence. If there can be two grandmothers there can betwo mothers. Get over yourselves.

My biomother was an absentee parent for years. When I did live with her and her new husband (for only two years) she used to tell me," You're not an abused child because abused children don't ask for it like you do," after he choked, hit or yelled at me. She was happy when I went back to my father. I will never forget the big grin on her face.

I was nineteen when my father remarried. He refused to consider anyone who would not be good to me. I am so glad he had that standard. My stepmother came to me with loving,open arms and she always had time for me. She could have pushed me, an adult, out of the home. Instead she was my biggest advocate, cheerleader and just amazing. When I got married and had kids she was there for every one of their births. Not my mother - HER. She helped me when I was a new mom. Not my biomom. HER. She is my children's Granny. My kids don'teven know what to call my mother. It isn't as if I didn't try getting "Mom" involved. She is just too busy living her early retirement life with her new boyfriend. She said her new guy is "uncomfortable" with kids.

Please don't go on about the bond with bio moms. It is foolish talk. Again, I have three kids. I know what I am talking about. Think about all the adoptive mothers out there. Al the step mothers out there. These women CHOOSE to care for kids who aren't their blood. When you pull the "I'm sorry but there's a special bond" crud you are spitting in the faces of women who step up when they are needed.

[deleted account]

I'm sorry but there is always a special bond with a bio mom and their child. Whoever thinks otherwise is insane. Given there are some Bio moms out there who aren't the best fit for their children, and if so then do something about it! Go try to get custody of that child then if you can be the better parent. But until you to, you're not the mother of that child! You are STEP mother period. You are there to love them and care for them like a mother but at the end of the day they have their mother. Everyone thinks that Biological mothers think they are so much better because they gave birth to their child (and lets not dumb that down...it's the most painful thing a woman will go through). They don't think this because of that at all...they grew this child from nothing, they nourished them, they were the first voice that child ever heard, they felt their first kicks, hiccups, movements. They bond with the child right away and didn't even know what the child looked like. They think of that child and worry about that child ALL the time, they love that baby unconditionally through thick and thin. They give up the life they knew, and their body for their children, they would die for their children in a heartbeat. Mothers are very important to their children. Everyone is so ignorant to Biological mothers like they aren't important...but they are the reason you exist! Have a little more respect for them instead of always demanding it for yourself. You came into their life and their children's life NOT because they chose this...you are caring for their babies ladies! You need to earn their trust and respect and bashing them is NOT the way to get it. You have mothers? would you talk so poorly of them? doubtful! If you don't have children of your own, do not begin to try to understand the bond between a mother and child...you just can't until you experience it 1st hand. Please stop being so ignorant!

Stephanie - posted on 06/12/2014

33

0

1

Ok, all of you need to chill the F out. Seriously. Just because she didn't physically give birth to the child doesn't mean she is "less-than" the woman who did. A PARENT is the person who actually cares for and takes care of a child, not just the person who popped a baby out. No, she is not the "mother" in the sense that she had the child, but she is mothering the child in a way that it seems the birth mother is not. Her dedication to that child is what makes her a PARENT, not carrying the baby for 40 weeks, not giving birth. If I were in that situation, I would be frustrated, too! How would you feel if you were taking care of a child, up all night with the child, and the "birth mother" never once called to ask how the child was? If the birth mother never bothered to check in? Does that sound like a special bond to you? You all need to seriously rethink your definitions here.

Kaye - posted on 06/12/2014

2

0

0

You are not alone. I have a step son whose mother doesnt work and he spends most of the time with us. I do everything for him. His father told him i dont like him or want him at our home because i reprimand him. He is 13 yrs now and i found out his mother has being telling him if I do anything to him she will kill me from the age of 6, seven years now. The child doesnt listen to me or respects me. Its fustrating and hurtful. I have a child with the father who is 3 yrs now and found out he has another child who is 6 that he hid from me. Everyone thinks I should love the both because I love the father. My spouse family hates me and they think I only want the house that we built together. Going crazy with it all.

Pamela - posted on 06/06/2014

15

0

0

I thought it was 40 weeks of carrying a child to term as the body and soul changed and prepared for parenthood.
I thought it was the blood that the mother and child shared, as that child grew to creation and its brain began with the sounds of the mother and her feelings. Mother is the origin of that child's soul.
I thought it was the thousands of days and nights a child consumed a parents thoughts.
I thought it was the unbelievable responsibilty that the mother felt to that child.
I thought it was all the time and pieces of the mothers soul that she poured into her beloved cherished child.
I could go on and on.

In comparison, of everything that a mother has invested into a child. Could you even compare in the full spectrum of it? it is called a bond.
This isn't a competition, it is recognition for what a mother is!

How do you refer to the love of your husband?
After you have that much with him, it still will not compare. to the bond between a mother and child.
Please don't misunderstand
I truly believe that a step-parent can love a child so much and so greatly. I DO. I think it is great. However, I think many step-parents fail to recognize the difference and the importance of parental relationships.

Most of these blended family situations are created because of failed romantic relationships not failed parenting. Each parent has a right to parent their child, the way they see fit unless the child is in danger.

Why can't a step-parent do step-parenting? .
1. be respectful of everyone
2. recognize the importance of mom and dad (which is not you)
3. recognize the childs right to be parented by their parents(unless dangerous)
4. Be a great step-parent


(I know there are exceptions)

Pamela - posted on 06/06/2014

15

0

0

Mark territory? Is that what you call it?
I thought it was 40 weeks of carrying a child to term as the body and soul changed and prepared for parenthood.
I thought it was the blood that the mother and child shared, as that child grew to creation and its brain began with the sounds of the mother and her feelings. Mother is the origin of that child's soul.
I thought it was the thousands of days and nights a child consumed a parents thoughts.
I thought it was the unbelievable responsibilty that the mother felt to that child.
I thought it was all the time and pieces of the mothers soul that she poured into her beloved cherished child.
I could go on and on.

In comparison, of everything that a mother has invested into a child. How could you even call it marking territory? Could you even compare in the full spectrum of it? It is not marking, it is called a bond.

How do you refer to the love of your husband?
After you have that much with him, it still will not compare. to the bond between a mother and child.


(I know there are exceptions)

Pamela - posted on 06/06/2014

15

0

0

Mark territory? Is that what you call it?
I thought it was 40 weeks of carrying a child to term as the body and soul changed and prepared for parenthood.
I thought it was the blood that the mother and child shared, as that child grew to creation and its brain began with the sounds of the mother and her feelings. Mother is the origin of that child's soul.
I thought it was the thousands of days and nights a child consumed a parents thoughts.
I thought it was the unbelievable responsibilty that the mother felt to that child.
I thought it was all the time and pieces of the mothers soul that she poured into her beloved cherished child.
I could go on and on.

In comparison, of everything that a mother has invested into a child. How could you even call it marking territory? Could you even compare in the full spectrum of it? It is not marking, it is called a bond.

How do you refer to the love of your husband?
After you have that much with him, it still will not compare. to the bond between a mother and child.


(I know there are exceptions)

Pamela - posted on 06/06/2014

15

0

0

I wish parents would continue to parent their children after divorce. I believe part of parenting is understanding the relationships in a child's life and the importance of them. Moms and Dads are so important to children. We all know it. Unless a parent is extremely detrimental, then all parties involved should make every effort to keep those relationships alive

Pamela - posted on 06/06/2014

15

0

0

In most situations, you can not compare an adopted parent to a step-parent. An adopted parent truly is the parent. The "birth" parents gave that child up and the new parents are legally the parents. Sometimes, it is necessary for another person to take that role. This is not the case here.

Sometimes, the issue is that step-moms do not want to be just step-moms. They want to be considered or revered as the mother for what they do. They care for a child in a "motherly" fashion, they are the other half to the couple with father and they are in the wife role, It makes sense that a stepmother would want credit for what she does. But lets give appropriate credit. Let me use the example of a GrandMOTHER. She cares for a child in a motherly fashion, she has ties to the child but yet most of the time a grandparent doesnt feel the need to drop the Grand part of Grandparent. So, why do step-moms want to drop the step part of stepmom. I think it is because they know how important a mother is. They know what a mother represents to a society. It is not a bio-mom(I really mean active mother) that puts herself so high in a child's social circle, it is the natural order of things. It usually takes one man and one woman to make a child. Those two people are mother and father and remain that way until a judge or life changes it(we have some dead beats out there).

Divorce does not generally change this. So, sorry step-parents. You are similiar to a grandparent, aunt, a bit more then a babysitter but you are not the parent most of the time. You can not just drop the step part. If you truly believe in your heart, that your marriage and care has made you a parent then wear the STEP part of STEPParent proudly. What is wrong with being a stepparent?

Pamela - posted on 06/06/2014

15

0

0

Teachers, grandmothers, aunts, babysitters and many other caregiver do "motherly" type caring. They do not feel the need to proclaim they are mother. I know many babysitters who care for children longer then the parents do. They do motherly type duties all day long. They do not feel the need to be compared to biomom. They know their role. Grandmother has the word mother in it, yet grandmother is generally understood as not the "MOM". Grandmothers are a mother but not the mother of their grandchild. I think each situation is different but in most situations, the mother is the "MOM" and stepmom is another caregiver brought into the picture. Stepmom's take a look at what your role really is! IF you are the noncustodial Parents spouse then you are not the mom. You are the stepmom, act like one. Be the support system, like a babysitter, grandmother, aunt or friend. I think stepmoms are great!

Pamela - posted on 06/06/2014

15

0

0

You can not remove part of the word just because you want to.
Stepmom, exgirlfriend, grandmother, mother, exwife,
How would you like it if exgirlfriend became girlfriend or exwife became wife.
A grandmother is a mother but not the mother to their grandchildren. You are a type of mother but not THE mother. There is a difference.
As a mother, I always wonder why a stepmother wants to be anything other then what she is. She is a stepmother. There is nothing wrong with being a stepmom. However knowing your position or place in a child's life is paramount. It is when you put yourself in the position of THE mother or equal to the mother that issues arise.

[deleted account]

I don't believe it's quite so simple as the birth mother thinks she is so much better than the step mother. It's a very complicated relationship on both sides I would imagine. For the birth mother I would think its rather hard having another women step in and be a mother figure for their child. They didn't ask for this women to come into their life let alone their child's life and all of a sudden have to step aside and automatically trust them and their judgment. They probably knew it would happen one day... But that doesn't make it any easier at the end of the day. I can also imagine it being hard for this new women to come into the picture and all of a sudden have to care for this child and deal with another women all at the same time maintain a relationship too...I would imagine lots of insecurities would surface. I don't feel it's just as simple as us biological mother's hating the step mom. We are grateful they love and care for our child (who wouldn't be grateful for that?).... But it's the step moms who over step their boundaries. It doesn't matter what relationship you're in... They always have boundaries! You came into this family dynamic knowing that you would have to co parent with not only your partner but the mother of his child... You chose this life. Don't come into this situation demanding respect that you haven't earned. Don't try to replace this child's mother. You are there to love this child... But you're not there to step on toes and act like you're that child's mother. You are a step mother... But that doesn't mean you teach that child to call you mom. That is beyond disrespectful....

If we want to get along then why not stop and think about how the other woman must feel? We are all so quick to judge them and point fingers... But have you ever sat down and talked with the other mom? I feel in order for this to work... There needs to be respect on both sides, not just from the biological mother. You are caring for their most prized possession...of course they are going to be protective and untrusting at first.

I just know in my situation... I'm the biological mother and it would be so much easier for me if the step mother stopped stepping on my toes and stop acting like this is her child. This isn't some alternate reality... I will always be that little boys mommy, but I'd be willing to share if she stopped being so disrespectful. I'm happy she loves my son.... I'm not happy about how hurtful and frankly crazy she's been towards me when it comes to my son, she uses him to hurt me and that's not okay.

We should all (easier said than done) try to see it from the other side sometimes.... Maybe you'd react differently next time. Like I said... It's all about boundaries, just as it is with all your other relationships in life.

This isn't a competition!!

User - posted on 05/20/2014

1

0

0

I am sorry but I think you all sound rediculous. Maybe my situation is unique but me, my children's father his girlfriend, and all of our children have family dinners her son has sleep overs at my house and we all communicate, everyone on here sounds like they are trying to one up the MOTHER. I will agree the step mother plays an important role in a child's life but they are not the mother. It is funny bc me and my child's step mother were just talking about this situation, unless the mother is not in the picture it is not appropriate for you to allow a child to call you mom. That title is earned not just through birth but through time and effort. And for all the women on here who don't like choices that the mother makes when parenting...oh well get over it you were a non factor when the child was born, so you can not come in and expect a mother to conform to your rules, again you are not the parent. Rules in your house hold are different but life choices and decisions are non of your concern unless the child is in danger....I don't know how I got so lucky but me and step mom are on the same page, we are good friends and there is no jealousy like you women are saying it honestly sounds like the jealousy is coming from your end. You are sitting here bashing the mom like you can do better, yet all you know about the situation b4 you came into it is ehat the father has told you, and he will always be bias to his side lol. Me and my children's dad are and have been best friends since we were kids so maybe we just lucked out and aren't dealing with the situations you are but seriously I think you should all take a step back look in the mirror and ask yourselves what are your real motives? This is coming from a woman who is soon to be the proud godmother to my children's two twin brothers who are due july 5th....and it isn't always perfect if something is done I don't agree with I will address it and we all work it out and move on. All these kids had to adjust and it was up to us to make the transition easy or as easy as possible, seems to me like a lot of you are more in competition. Smh at all of you.

Liz - posted on 04/21/2014

1

0

0

. It is a complicated issue and does not need further confusion. Simplify. Start with definitions of titles:
A mother is one who gives birth to a child.
A parent is someone to loves, nurtures, and cares for a child unconditionally.
A stepparent is someone who marries into an existing family and supports the biological
parents.

Adults should help children understand the subtle differences/definitions as well as help them choose names to respectfully call everyone. Acknowledging the different titles also helps in social situations (school, church, introductions, etc.) to clarify the various roles of all the adults. Like it or not, a stepparent plays a support role. Yes, it’s a difficult role, but that’s what it is.

As for the 'fairy tale' stigmas one attaches to the word stepmother, it's time to get real.
Fairy tales are fiction.
Life is not fiction.
Mothers can be good or evil.
Parents can be good or evil.
Stepparents can be good or evil.
80% Rule – 80% of communication is through body language (physical gestures, tone of voice, facial expressions).

Loyal, devoted, committed mothers earn the title of Mom AND Parent. Even a mother who is terrible at parenting still fits the definition of a Mother and retains the title. Would you claim the title of Doctor if you didn’t have a medical degree or PhD? A mom is understandably hurt and devalued when her title is usurped by someone who does not fit the definition.

A stepparent stepped into the family. Period. It’s too late to change the facts after the marriage. The mistake was in:
Not carefully anticipating the myriad of issues ahead of time,
No careful prior communication among the responsible adults to head off conflicts, and
Not setting a plan for resolving future conflicts/hurdles as situations present themselves.

It is actions and follow-through that establishes trust and respect, more than simply the words or names. Recognize when you have trust and respect between you – that is the foundation of how you feel about each other and treat each other. It’s the experiences, not the ‘things’ we share that create the loving, trusting foundation we build on through a lifetime. A name is a ‘thing;’ a title is an honor.

Quit worrying about what other people are thinking. KNOW what is thought and felt by all involved children and adults. It doesn’t matter what ‘other people’ think. What does matter is all of the people in the extended family; how they are able to interact effectively and take everyone into consideration (talk to them; ask them) in any decision-making. It will take patience, compromise, and making concessions, with the children’s best interests as the top priority. Other people either get it and understand, or don’t; quit wasting your energy on the ones who don’t get it.

It is more realistic to reflect on the emotional connection between the children and adults involved and what meaningful, heartfelt messages are communicated between them. It's more important to focus on what people feel (safe, secure, loved, respected, trusted) than choosing a name with confusing definitions that also cause uncomfortable explanations in social settings. Pay attention to the ‘80% Rule’ to ‘hear’ the message.

Stepparents have already ‘stepped into’ the family by marriage. They can choose to be good or evil or something in-between. Simple. Children and Ex’s will respond accordingly. It is what it is. The ‘good’ ones will add to the love, security, stability, health, welfare, and development of a child, regardless of the name they are called. They will also reserve the honorable title of Mom for the person who fits the definition. Good parents experience the rewards of being the ‘support parent’ via observing the growth and stability of the children whom they have nurtured unconditionally. They don’t need constant acknowledgment of their support role in parenting. It is ‘felt’ between the stepparent and the child. It will be acknowledged through the ‘80% Rule’ and be sufficient to satisfy a mature parent, step- or otherwise.

No good parent would resent that their child is loved and cared for by more people. Rather, they would be grateful for the added shield of protection for the child. A good parent does not need to prove they are better than a mother or that they can provide more for a child than a mother can. It diminishes the character of a person who makes an attempt to do so and creates a competitive culture. Children should not be put in the position of competing for love, nor trying to measure who ‘loves them more.’ By definition, to compete means someone must lose. There is no value in making someone lose. No one can compete with a mother when you accept the Mom definition. There is no competition when parents care for their children unconditionally, as defined (no conditions, no extra agenda). Stepparents who understand their defined role take a ‘step’ back to be supportive to the bio-parents/children and embrace the unconditional parenting function without conditions – ‘parent’ is part of their title, afterall.
Keep it clear and simple, without adding complicated personal agendas.

Blossom - posted on 04/21/2014

2

0

0

To the commenter Kristina, with your comment, I suppose you are a bio mom and the bitterness does show. Whoever thinks a step mother is not a mother is way too short sighted. Step mothers are mothers too, thus the "mother" in the name. Step mothers are not caregivers for the Dad's child, they have committed to a family life accepting all its imperfections and loving. Mothers, be it bio mothers or step mothers, all should be and are caregivers for the children. They do it out of love and selflessness.

To a bio mom, who is selfish and have not done care giving to the children, would you have the right to call yourself a mother? Maybe, a mother who gave birth to a child but not the real sense of being a mother.

Step mothers establish a bond and are loved in a special way by the step children too. But it doesn't mean a special bond is only between a bio mom and the bio child. It is different in every situation.

An adopting mother, who dares question her motherhood?! She may not be someone who gave birth to a child but she is in the heart and all the idea of motherhood to the child.

A surrogate mother who gave birth to a child, she is a mother but not a real one anymore because she will not be the mother "caregiver" or selfless person in the child's life.

So whoever talks about motherhood being limited to just giving birth, is way too narrow minded. Times have changed and so should your thinking too.

Blossom - posted on 04/21/2014

2

0

0

you are not the only one. the mere fact that bio moms have to mark their territory and take credit for things they have not really done for their children, reflect so much on their insecurity. some of them, not all, are only good in names, for appearances, the "mother" name but hardly do the dirty work for the children.

just be at peace in knowing that you are the sane one and don't focus on things you have no control over - the bio mom's actions. control your emotions and focus only in your family and your children including your step children, that is how you can protect your family.

Amy - posted on 02/26/2014

1

0

0

I don't believe all step moms are bad. But my girls do have one. She has blocked my phone number from my ex and my girls. I cannot go their house, they give my girls choices to see me which is not legal. She tells my girls I am bad mother and I have abandoned them. At this point I don't know what my oldest thinks of me because of what has been said. My ex lets this happens. My ex tells my girls I hate them and don't even care for them. I want to see them but I have to wait to get a lawyer to go to court. Their is visitations but they aren't following it. Last year I did have custody of my girls until I get really depress, I took care of my girls but didn't take care of myself, the right thing in my mind was giving him custody to get better. Well they turned that around and told my girls I abandoned them. There are people who are really nice but some really aren't. When I had custody my ex had visitation every weekend but for six mi the only had them four times. The step mom blasts me online saying I'm a dead beat mom and I don't care for them. They are my life and I would die for them. I don't want them hurt or going through this. But like one post said, the kids will realize the truth. But is the damage already done. Heartbreaking mommy

HawaiiSM - posted on 02/15/2014

1

0

0

You are not alone, until recently that was my life as a step-mother. I read StepMonster... it really helped me understand the dynamics.

Alicia - posted on 01/28/2014

1

11

0

I have 3 beautiful step kids (23/19/13)- words can will be manipulated often, but know what I have learned (23 & 18 yr old) respect me for all the support that I have shown through the years w/o showing anything but love- the situation you described sounds like one I've been in and handled it the same way- you're doing good. Keep showing love and know that you are a great part of the kid(s) lives. Always talk and answering questions and their concerns is all you have to worry about- never bad mouth mom & the kid(s) will see what is important in life.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms