BIO Mother VS Step Mother

Yellow - posted on 05/14/2011 ( 259 moms have responded )

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The more I think about it, the more it upsets me..
Why is it that birth mothers feel like they are just so much better than a step-mother could ever be? Why are they threatened with someone actually loving their children and their children loving that woman back, in a motherly way? When they claim they are so secure in their motherhood, when their actions show anything but security? When I was up with my daughter (step-daughter) when she couldn't breath Why didn't her birth mother call her to check on her? I am sorry but if my child was away from me for 2 weeks, I would call in general to see how she is doing... but if I found out they were sick while away from me, I would sure as hell call and check on them!!!

I have done so much for my children, that woman will never think anything I do is good enough. Even after I spend hours in the ER with her, waking up every hour to make sure she is breathing, giving her medicine at all hours of the night, holding her while she vomits on me because she is sick and then cleaning it up, holding them when they wake up from a bad dream and are calling for me....

Why do all of those things anger me when she shows not an ounce of concern? especially when she is bragging about being mommy of the year! I guess it angers me knowing all the things I have done for those children because it was from the heart, only to hear from my kids all the ugly things their mother is saying about their father and I....trying to turn them against us...

Please tell me I am not the only one.

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Kristina - posted on 03/15/2014

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You are not the child's mom. You are a step mother. She is not the "bio" mom. She is the MOTHER. Why are they better than step moms? Because they have a bond with that child that you will never, ever have. No matter how much you stay up with them at night, their MOTHER is their MOTHER. It may be that you feel resentment toward the child's mom because you're not their mother yet you have the responsibilities of a mother. If that is the case then you are definitely showing it in your behavior toward the kid.

MOTHER=MOM/MOTHER
STEPMOTHER=Adult female caregiver that's married to DAD

Christina - posted on 05/16/2011

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Women have no issues with their children calling their new husbands, "Daddy," so they need to shut the hell up when their ex's remarry and their kids call the step-mom, "Mommy."

Lizvilla - posted on 06/12/2014

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I joined this community just to respond to this post. See, my stepmother has been more of a mother to me than my biological mother ever was. She is the kindest, most motherly and caring being on the planet. And I just can not believe the arrogance I am reading on this board. Motherhood is an act, not a right. I say this as a mother of three children. And we do not own our children. We don't get to decide loving people should be exed out of their lives because their care bruises our egos. If you are a single mother you should be thanking your lucky stars if someone loves your child enough to mother them in your absence. If there can be two grandmothers there can betwo mothers. Get over yourselves.

My biomother was an absentee parent for years. When I did live with her and her new husband (for only two years) she used to tell me," You're not an abused child because abused children don't ask for it like you do," after he choked, hit or yelled at me. She was happy when I went back to my father. I will never forget the big grin on her face.

I was nineteen when my father remarried. He refused to consider anyone who would not be good to me. I am so glad he had that standard. My stepmother came to me with loving,open arms and she always had time for me. She could have pushed me, an adult, out of the home. Instead she was my biggest advocate, cheerleader and just amazing. When I got married and had kids she was there for every one of their births. Not my mother - HER. She helped me when I was a new mom. Not my biomom. HER. She is my children's Granny. My kids don'teven know what to call my mother. It isn't as if I didn't try getting "Mom" involved. She is just too busy living her early retirement life with her new boyfriend. She said her new guy is "uncomfortable" with kids.

Please don't go on about the bond with bio moms. It is foolish talk. Again, I have three kids. I know what I am talking about. Think about all the adoptive mothers out there. Al the step mothers out there. These women CHOOSE to care for kids who aren't their blood. When you pull the "I'm sorry but there's a special bond" crud you are spitting in the faces of women who step up when they are needed.

Sarah - posted on 08/06/2013

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I can completely relate to what you are going through. I am a stepmother to 2 boys, ages 9 and 13. Recently, the bio mom decided that I should not be allowed to attend the kids' sporting events and recitals. She turns the boys away from us by telling them inappropriate things. She has called me names on a number of occasions, and what bothers me is that the boys won't acknowledge that she has done anything wrong. She is always "perfect" in their eyes. When I try to tell the boys how I feel, they won't listen. I never speak badly of their mother, even though I'd like to.

I have been with the boys for 5 years (married and living with their dad). I, too have cared for them when they were sick, cleaned up their vomit, combed lice out of their hair, and cooked them numerous meals. Often, they tell me that my food isn't as good as their mommy's and that I should prepare it their mommy's way. I am so sick of this. I am underappreciated and feel like I have no voice. Everyone else in this household is allowed to have feelings except me.

Yellow - posted on 07/17/2013

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Katrina, I am so incredibly sorry that not only are your children going through that type of abuse but that you are having to also. That is wrong that your kids father is even allowing that type of crap to go on in his home and to his own children. You are right, they are getting older and they will realize a lot of what is going on in their time and the older they get, the more they will see a much clearer picture. They will also see a much clearer picture of you and know that you are the better person. I could never imagine treating a person let alone a child like that. It is women like that that give step-mothers a bad name and make us all look like we are crazy, bitter bitches.

I am the step-mother that Blonde Jan talks about. I take the backseat in a lot of ways. I have always encouraged my step-children, and have always showed them that I am perfectly accepting that they have a BM and that I have never intended to take their mothers place. I attend school functions (when we are told about them), I always drive 3 hours to pick them up. I am very active in their life. When they come to visit their dad, I am there front and center. I always told myself that they have a mom and that I am not going to force them to have a relationship with me, and by me doing what I am doing, they are able to see the difference between their BM and myself. They see their BM bad mouthing and belittling their father and I, they see her not being as much of a loving person as I am. My 7 yr old SS has even told me "Why are you so nice to us about our mommy but Mommy is not nice about you and daddy?". That alone tells me everything. When a 7 year old can see that his own mother is not a nice person, then that is when I know I am doing the right thing.
As much crap as their mother talks about us, my husband and I do our best to refrain from comments. Do not get me wrong, there have been times where I have popped off something, but I try and pick and choose my battles.

I just do not understand why people think that they are making the situation better by treating others bad. Even when I am dealing with my husbands ex, I have always just been respectful to her. I talk to her with kindness, I smile and I do my best to to keep my cool. It is very hard, most of the time. Its very hard to be crapped on by someone more than once and just show them that you aren't bothered.

I wish the best of luck to everyone here that is dealing with mean step-moms and mean bio moms. You all are strong and wonderful ladies, I know that neither role is not easy. Let us all just remember the important thing, The Children.

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Kristen - posted 5 days ago

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I to am a step mom in a very difficult situation. i met my boyfriend at a young age of 17 and we are 6 years apart. My boyfriend was seeing his son on a consisten basis until i came into the picture and she cut him out of it. Being a step parent is FAR from easy. Everyday i battle where i stand in the picture even after 7 years of being together. After years of fighting we finally gained visitation for him to see his son on overnights. The bio mom has and wil ldo anything to ruin our lives and make sure every mistake his son makes is put onto us. Just recently, his son asked his mom to spend more time with his dad and the bio mom turned it around and said that we asked him to talk to her and he is already having a hard time adjusting seeing his dad on 2 days every 2 weeks.
I have been harrased and made fun of by the bio mom and remained silent through everything as i dont want to stir the pot.
If your a bio mom and your son came to you asking to see his dad more and the dad is a perfect stable father who wants to see his son more, what would you do? blame the father or listen to your son.

Liz - posted on 08/06/2015

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I get frustrated when bio moms say we are bitter because THEY have this BOND between them and the husband. How we as stepmoms are jealous at this, and cant stand the thought that THEY are the parents. If this "bond" was so positive, why has this bond turned so bitter? If they share this bond we cant even begin to touch, why are bio moms (not all of them) act like more of an obstacle when it comes to visitation or working together for the best of the child?

The bio mom of my stepson is very passive aggressive. If she is upset with my husband over issues not related to their son (such as a bill she contributed to years ago and expected him to pay for it) she switches weekends. Even skipped weekends. Where is the bond?

I got sick about a month ago, and my husband soon caught it. Very aggresive virus and it took two weeks for me to recover. He was still sick so asked to switch weekends so his son would not catch it. His son got a new job, so the last thing we wanted was for him to miss out due to an illness. Well, he switched weekends, and when the next weekend came around, she cancelled on him. Said kid couldnt come, and it was too bad that he decided to skip the previous weekend. "I was sick. My wife got sick and I caught it" Bio mom: Well, she should have been more careful. My husband did not see his son for another two weeks. This is not uncommon, and he is scared of the backlash, so he does not take her to court.

What I am saying is, if you want to brag about this "bond", respect the bond, uphold the visitation schedule, not abuse it. A bond is not a tool for control.

I applaud biological moms who work to collaborate with the stepmom for the better of the child. I certainly wish I had that relationship. I am still referred to as "Whatever she it", Whoever she is", "Your little girlfriend" (I am the wife..hello?).

Think about it. If a friend of hers threw a small birthday celebration, bought gifts for, took out, traveled with, called 911 to save her son's life, and made sure he was well fed, she would praise her as a good friend. Because I am the stepmom, I only get seen as a person not worthy of even a name.

Too bad.

Liz - posted on 08/06/2015

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I think that some stepmoms do not go out of their way to form close relationships with their sk partially because of the back-lash some receive from the bio mom.

Tiffany - posted on 08/03/2015

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I am a BIO mom as well as a "STEP" MOM. I have 3 in total and i love all of them the same. I do know what you are going through so don't feel like you are the only one who goes through this. I have read some of these comments and it is just disgusting what some of these moms are saying. They claim to be great roll models for there children then come out responding as they do.
I do think that if your going to do all the things you do just make sure you are doing it out of your heart and not because the other "MOM" doesn't. The kids know when someone really loves them and when you are putting on a show. The only one that is going to hurt in the end is the parent that is not their for there children. A Step parent can be a horrible person or the best person in the world. I don't think that every one is the same so people should not categorize all people based on there so called title. I also know great moms and dads and horrible ones. Everyone needs to take each person and decide if they are a good influence or not on there children.
I think that moms or dads should be happy if there is a loving step parent in their child's life. It could be worse and have a step parent that cant stand your child or put them in harms way or neglect them. So bio moms/dads out there ease up if you have a good STEP parent, because your situation could be a whole lot worse.
To all the BIO moms that only get to see there kids on supervision or every other weekend because YOU gave them up or lost them due to your own stupidity don't hate on the step moms for stepping up when you stepped out. Be glad your child has that mom figure at all in there life. I applaud all STEP MOMS or DADS out there for giving a shit about some one else other then themselves.
To all the STEP parents that are HORRIBLE you should get punched. These kids didn't ask to be put in this situation and to make it harder on them is disgusting. If you don't want to take in the child when getting involved with there mom/dad then you should have walked away a long time ago.
I hope that no parent BIO or STEP takes advantage of what they are blessed to have. It can be taken away in a blink of an eye. Children are little angels that just want to be loved. No child asked for the life style they are forced to be in so make the best of what it is and let people love your children for who they are. Your life will be a whole lot easier.
I cant ever forgive my children's mom for what she has done. Her and I both know that but i try to put it aside since that is there mother and they love her no matter what I think. They notice now that they are getting older who is really there and who isn't They will always know i am hear for them no matter what.

Lanna - posted on 07/22/2015

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After reading alot of these comments I have heard many stories similar to mine. I am a stepmom to a two year old little boy, his dad and I have him 50% of the time and I have been living with him since he was 5 months old. I can relate to the comments about feeling like his mother, I am the one who packs all his school lunches, schedules and attends all his drs appts and I do everything I can to provide a loving environment for him. I do these things not because I want to replace his mother but because she does not do them and I cannot stand to see a wonderful child do without. She had let him go over a year behind on required shots before his father and I were made aware and interviewed and started to handle this ourselves. Anyways that is not what my post is about. I do not know what to be called and I really need some advise? I do not currently have children of nybown but hope to have them in the future and I am afraid what my stepson calls me will influence what they call me. And I am with him most of the time and feel like his mother but at the same time I do not want to be disrespectful because he does have a mother who lives him. He is not a great talker and right now calls me, the bm, and his grandma all ma. I want to try to teach him a different name for me but I don't know what. I dislike all the names like b, or sissy or whatever. While I think a first name for older children with stepparents is fine I will have always been in his life and I don't want him calling me by my first name. I have considered marmee but am afraid it is to similar. What are some other real live stepmoms in similar situations called? Please please help.

Jenny - posted on 07/14/2015

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Jackie,
Isn't it interesting how a stepmother should do this and that according to society, so that we are not labeled as a bad step-parent.
I also find it interesting how some of these women on here state a stepmother's job is to step in when and only when the mother can't.
I am sorry, marrying the father of your child does not automatically give a mom a live in nanny, driver, nurse, etc...
All the while you (collective you, hypothetical BM) bash the stepmother and alienate the child from them.
That my friends is pure insecurity on a bio-moms behalf.
You cannot have both. The Stepmother cannot be there to take on YOUR kids when you need a break or have to work, but then also be chastised for wanting to have a bond with your child.
Sorry but popping out a child doesn't automatically give you the right to treat another woman this way.
There are some stepmothers that overstep their boundaries, some that badmouth the mother and try their hardest to act like the "look at me am so much better that mom" type. And that is wrong also.
The reality of things is there are women out there that are horrible stepmothers, and some that are awesome. There are women who are amazing mothers and some that are horrible.
I can only speak for myself and my situation. I sit with my SD, I talk to her, I give her the time and attention she needs. I wake up in the middle of the night to take her to the restroom, I potty train her, I feed her, I bake with her, I teach her right from wrong, I am the one she runs to when she is scarred, She cries on my shoulder, she looks for me in the crowds, I take her to the Dr.s I am the first person she asked for after her surgery., etc...I can go on and on. If that doesn't make a mother than I don't know what does.
All the while I have to pretend in her face that It doesn't bother me that her mother is not by her side when she is waking up from surgery. I have to pretend, it doesn't bother me when her mother makes an excuse as to why she has missed a year's worth of Dr's appointments while in her care. I have to pretend to say things like "how great" or "that is awesome" when SD talks about her mom. I have to pretend I don't notice the sadness in SD's eyes when she has to go back to her moms. I have to take all of that and just swallow it. Why, because I love my SD and her mother is her mother and nothing I can do about that. Eventually SD will be old enough to understand what role each of us have played in her life. She loves her mother, and because of that, I set my feelings aside and never once say anything wrong about her to my SD. On the contrary I try to encourage her to love, listen and enjoy her mother.
Her mother, has no problem with me being in SD's life and the role I have taken. We have talked about SD, her health issues and what I do at our home with SD to help her develop. BM has taken advice from me about how to handle things, and I have taken advice from her when it comes to her daughter. No matter what my opinion is of BM I still give her the benefit of the doubt. Even against my own DH's opinion. Why? because she is SD's mother. SD loves her mother! And I would never do anything to hurt SD or make her feel like she has to choose. From what I have seen, her mother extends the same respect to me.
Isn't that how it should be. Two very different women, who have a relationship with a child, setting aside their differences and dislikes of each other for the grater good of the child. You see, a stepmother could always walk away from that child, always! The bio parents can too but never as easily as a stepparent. So why push away the stepmother that wants to love your child as much as you love your child. Wouldn't that be the most ideal situation. Your child is LOVED!! not mistreated, not set aside, always taken care of, in your home and in the biodads home. Isn't that what we as parents(step or bio) should be striving for?
ok now I am ranting again

Jackie - posted on 07/14/2015

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A lot of these comments seem to be coming from defensive bio-moms who didn't fully read (or fully understand) the original post or who just want to vent their insecurities by bashing step mothers. It's ridiculous and very transparent.
I'm a mom, a step-mom, and my older daughter has a step-mom, too. I'm happy that my ex-husband and my daughter have her in their lives and are able to create a loving, warm home for her when she stays with them.
I'm frequently frustrated as a step-mom and often scared for my step-daughter. We recently learned that her mother hadn't been feeding her breakfast or lunch and that Step-Daughter had been crying herself to sleep every night, but is afraid to tell her mom and step dad. Does that seem very motherly? Is that evidence of a great mother-daughter bond? SD felt comfortable talking to me about it, because I make a huge effort to talk to the child and to help her feel safe and cared-for. At the same time, I am not attempting to come between her and her mother, although her mother regularly says negative things about me and SD's dad in front of SD; she actively alienates SD even though she was the one who had extramarital affairs, was physically abusive to my husband, and had already moved in with another man less than three months after she and my husband split up. This isn't an issue of me only hearing one side of the story, because we live nearby and I witnessed this drama unfold in my own neighborhood and within my circle of friends.
The fact is that most step moms are kind, loving women who are NOT attempting to replace the bio-mom. Unfortunately there is a very vocal, hateful group of insecure bio-moms who seem to want that to be the case!

Jackie - posted on 07/14/2015

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No, Jennieslim, that sort of jealousy is NOT observed in animals. Contrary to your unfounded belief, female animals often work together to raise each other's babies, even going so far to share nursing duties. Cats do it, lions do it, apes and monkeys do it, and even some birds do it. The jealousy and insecurity of the bio-mom vs. step-mom is a purely human creation.

I am a step mother, a bio-mother, and my daughter also has a step-mother and I'm GLAD she does!

I'm glad her bio-dad has a woman who he loves and who helps him be happy, because I sure don't want to live with him and try to be there for him in that way. We're divorced and we're much better for it! I will always be supportive of my daughter's relationship with her stepmother, because that woman is kind to my daughter and supportive of her. My daughter has told me that she considers her stepmother her friend and I'd even be all right with her calling her “mom,” because I have a rich and loving relationship with my daughter, and I'm confident she loves me.

It's unfair of bio-moms to make their children feel guilty for liking their step moms and step-moms already have it hard enough due to the way they are portrayed in the media and viewed by society. The step-mom bears a much greater emotional burden than bio-moms, bio-dads, or stepdads. Yeah, she got involved with a man with kids...blah blah blah! So what? Stepdads get involved with women with kids all the time and don't have to put up with the sky high expectations while also being subjected to such vitriol!

Be supportive of your child's step-mother, because the woman loves your child's father and will also love your child if given the opportunity. Unfortunately many bio-moms actively or subconsciously alienate their children against the step-mother, which does a great disservice to the child.

Nelia - posted on 07/12/2015

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I suppose you do these for the daughter and yet has so much anger in your heart because you did it while thinking you are doing it for someone else's daughter, correct? In this case, better not do it and let the father of the child do this so you do not harbour that anger in your heart. It hurts you. Not worth it.
They are not your kids. Never will be. You know that. You are showing it also. Guess you would never ever be so angry if what you did is for your own biological kids and never got any appreciation.
Like many people here have said, kids have cristal clear mind and heart. They know who treat them well and who don't. If you did it from your heart with true love, with no return, they will love you back, despite what their biological mother says.

Lawrence - posted on 06/29/2015

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It is way to often that we see emotions and/or comments about what children should say, treat or call step parents being ruled by insecurities, angry, and jealousy. Regardless if your the bio parent or not it's not about your feelings. The reality is if we love our children, bio or not and they are in a healthy relationship with their step parent who cares for them when they are sick, loves them and supports them; then we need to encourage that relationship disregarding our personal opinions and reservations. Children know who there bio parents are. It's ignorant and a cop out to imply they don't. If it's about the children's best interest then we need to support and encourage the step mother/father and support the children's decision if they chose to call them mom or dad. Creating difficulty in them naming their relationship with their step parent creates a lack of self confidence in the children and builds anxiety in trying to express their emotions. If we love them we support them helping them build tools to love, be loved and to succeed in life. It may not be easy, I agree it isn't. But if we decide to have children we have already made a concious decision to put them first, even if we feel it breaks our heart.

Evelyn - posted on 06/02/2015

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Connie--

I am glad that you are the kind of step mom that you are. But the unfortunate side to it is this: There are those step moms out there that just do not care for their step kids. It is a reality. I know both good and not so good step moms. My kids had two step moms that did not care much for them at all. And the current one expects to get some of the glory for being there. I give her credit for being there to take care of the daily needs but from what my kids told me she never once took care of their emotional needs when they were at her house. I tried to be nice to the women whom my ex had married but they wanted nothing to do with me because they only heard one side of the story and never tried to meet me in the middle. I just was respectful when I had to be around the current one out of the sake for my kids. But at the same time she was having fits because she was not mentioned in the parents section of the graduation inserts for both my kids senior years, had to sit where she did at my daughter's wedding and that her two older sons did not get to be in the wedding, and a few other things. And none of those occassions were about her to begin with. This really goes both ways. A step mom should recognize that mom is mom. Most do this. But for the few out there that do not, you need to realize that if mom is there, she is there.

Connie - posted on 06/02/2015

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Their is so much hate for step mom's on here...I am a step mother to a beautiful little girl, who happens to call me mom. I did NOT force her. Anyway, we step mom's know that we are not their mother, duh, and so do the kids, we are not trying to take their mothers place. Being a mother isn't just giving birth to a child, it's about love, nurturing, and caring. There's a mother inside every woman, that's just how God made us. We step mom's fo EVERYTHING and I mean everything that a biomother does, we make sure they get up for school, make them breakfast, lunch and dinner, make sure they come home to a clean house. Wash their cloths and most importantly LOVE THEM. Heal them when their sick, even comfort them when they are missing their real mom. We do all these things that a biomother does and get no credit for it, but that's ok, we get credit from the only little person that counts. We are trying to be civil with the biomother and I completely understand how hurt she must be, seeing her child with another woman happy.
I was accused of doing the worst things to my stepdaughter, the most horrible thing that anyone can do to a child, and it's disgusting to think that she would think I would do something like that. And it all happened when her daughter called me mom for the first time and it happened to be in front of her. Cased closed btw. We take so much crap from people thinking they are better because they are biomother/father. Like I said it takes a person to be a parent not an oven.

Lizvilla - posted on 05/29/2015

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Jean, I have to disagree. You're assuming only men remarry and only stepmothers pose a problem. Children are statistically more likely to suffer from abuse in a home with their biological mother and a stepfather than living with a father and stepmother. You also fail to recognize who the number one abuser of small children tends to be, statistically: the biological mother.

Remember, these are statistics. These are not blankets claims about all parents or stepparents. But we need to stop pretending moms are saints. Speaking as the daughter of a very disturbed bio mom and wonderful stepmom, I find your comment uninformed.

Anna - posted on 04/27/2015

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You are not the only one but that's not the main issue. You seem to care too much what the biological mother thinks and does. Of course she's threatened and insecure but don't analyze that - it isn't your problem and there are professionals to help her. You don't need her acceptance or approval either, so let go of any thoughts about that. You do not need to discuss or defend how you parent or run your house. See the theme here? Support your stepchildren having a relationship with their mother but cut any chords you have - no worrying, no analyzing, no stressing, no communication with that woman. She sounds like a problem child. You do have to accept the other children your husband brought into the marriage, but not that one :-). Focus on your family. Some women cannot remain committed to their child's other biological parent yet also can't or won't seem to face the consequences that go along with their poor choices. Again, NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Don't let her emotional difficulties and character issues become toxic to you or your family. That also means dealing with the parental alienation head on, as it is form of child abuse. You and your husband should read Divorce Poison and absolutely challenge her on the alienation stuff, and make sure you confront her behavior and comments directly and honestly with the kids. You may need to consider the option of revisiting the custody arrangement if she continues to burden the children with her problems. What a piece of work.

Katie - posted on 04/24/2015

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Of course, you have a child I think most people see that family staying together I certainly would! In this case mum left, comes back every once in a while so I'm in the situation where I will be there 95% of time along with dad - I will be the one being vomited on, getting up and getting them to school with dad and their mum will see them once a month if she feels like it.

we waited (children are 7) until we were sure of our intentions together, we were very sure we wanted a future together before being introduced to his peanuts, my decision too as I didn't think it was fair to go into two little people's lives until I was sure I could commit to him and them. I think your completely right to make sure he is sure - if she's a good lady she will work with you and him - even though it's hard, and you sound like a good mum who just wants the best for her son.
I hope it all goes well for you and I think some of the stepmums who read this where mum is present will feel reassured that there are supportive mums out there who want to put their feelings aside for the sake of the children x I really wish you lots of luck

Valeria - posted on 04/24/2015

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It really isn't any step moms fault to fall in love with a man who has kids. In my situation the father of my baby boy started a relationship and hid it from me for 3 months until I found out about 3 weeks ago. We weren't together, but once you have a baby I guess you picture things working out for the baby and for our family. That's why I said Im not looking forward to having to meet the step-mom eventually. As I told the father of my baby, he cant mix his girlfriend with my son right now, until it becomes serious. I don't want him introducing every girlfriend he has specially if it has only been 3 months. I think im not wrong in that. But eventually if this girl sticks around than I will have no choice no matter how much it hurts. like you said its all about whats good for the baby, and as long as this girl has a kind heart than I have nothing to fight with. Just hope she loves my son and doesn't just off when his dad is around for show. Like I said I wish they were all great step mothers like you

Katie - posted on 04/24/2015

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I feel for you Stephanie you obviously love your son very much, I would so prefer the children's mum to be like this, accepting it's difficult but do what is right for them. I put them first I wish she could, it breaks my heart what she has done to those little ones as much as it would be harder for me i would prefer it as she is their mum, sadly she doesn't want to be I don't think.

I hope the lady who comes into your son's life is a good person, we're not all bad I promise you! I will never be the children's mum until they want me to be, just a very supportive adult in their lives. I never wanted to replace their mother the same as I never wanted my fathers wife to replace my mum (she never could have done as my mum was always there, my dad was not) my case is different than yours as the mum here doesn't want to be mum apart from one weekend a month, and that's rare - I don't understand this at all! I miss those peanuts when I don't see them for a few days. But if I was to be a step-mum with a mum very much in the picture id know I'd not be a replacement just another lady in their lives that would have different difficulties but I think a good mum is a mum and you can never replace her just be a good editon x I always imagined mum being the rule maker with dad and that would keep certain rules as she is their mother but different in my case as she doesn't want them anymore.

Valeria - posted on 04/24/2015

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I picture this to be my future of my son having a step-mother someday. To be completely honest, It is so hurtful thinking that my son could ever love another woman and see her as a mother other than me. I have been there since he was in my womb and I feel like he has one mother and one father. No need for any other people, but then I start thinking I will 1000x have a step-mother who is loving towards my son and love him and care for him when I am not there than have a witch that shows a pretty face but then treats my son like garbage. Its something I am personally not looking forward to. Some women are honestly great step-mothers, but its that fear of the biological mother that maybe the child is not treated or wanted the way we want them to be. I think that no one could ever treat or love my son the way his father and I do. I know in this situation you have a been a real mother to your kids and the mother not so much. I only wish every step mother was that caring to every child!

Katie - posted on 04/24/2015

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Women are just awful to other women. I came here looking for support as someone starting the journey into step-mummy hood.

Some Biological mothers out there who are rude and nasty to step mums need to remember something, not all biological mothers are good mothers - the one I have to deal with is a vile human being who couldn't give a dam about her children and just wanted money. - I hope to god those children never learn of this they certainly will not from me, they talk about their mum and I answer their questions but do not lie to them. The fact she is a bad mother is not just my opinion it was the opinion of the courts too, who granted full custody to the children's father - her response was apparently fine, not once during all the time of supposedly fighting for her children did she say she loved them - I have lost count of how many times she wants to see them only to change her mind an hour before, result two little people heartbroken.

I wish we could be "let's work this out for the benefit of the children" but this will never happen.. She doesn't want them, but doesn't want anyone else to have them either and that is not a mother in my opinion.

So biological mums, not all step mums are husband and children stealing ladies (I get the sense that's what most women think), some of us are really good people who want to just give the love with have too the little people who have come into our life to the very best of our abilities.

I intend to give everything I can to the best of my ability to the people coming into my life, not only did I fall in love with a wonderful man I made the decision to love his children too, a bit like any foster or adoptive parent would do, so whilst I will never be their biological mother it does not mean I can't be a loving caring parent and important part of their lives, I don't care what they call me but I will be there for them. Should one day they choose to make me their mum then that would be lovely, but I'm going to be there for them, it's up to them how we move forward with our relationship - and I think that's the way it should be.

So please to the ladies who keep being awful to step mums stop the bashing and war over the fact step-mums will never be as good as biological mums as some will be way better than their children's biological mothers, some won't I'm sure but give some of us some credit.

Sarah - posted on 04/15/2015

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I am in the same boat as you as a step mom! i try so hard but her witch of a mother sabotages out relationship by speaking ill of me to them. She is the most passive aggressive person i have ever meet I'm pretty sure she is delusional and have a mental disorder. .hang in there!!! and no your are not the only one !!!

K - posted on 04/14/2015

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I am both a bio and stepmom. I was widowed when my kids were 8 and 10, so their dad is no longer in their life. My step-son's mom has 50% custody, although we have him a bit more than that usually.
I've known my step-son longer than I've known my husband. I went into this open-eyed. Yellow Rose, she isn't your "daughter" unless the bio mom gives up rights or has them taken away. You can love her and support her, but the choices are between your husband and his ex-. You should be there for her when she's sick and love her and such, but that doesn't make you her mother. I'm sorry.
I would run into a burning building to save my step-son, but that doesn't make me his mom. He has one. I went into this with my eyes open. No matter how I feel or don't feel about his mom, he loves her, and I will never talk down about her to him, even if she does so about me (not saying she does). She and I do not communicate but to say "hello" politely. She and my husband are his parents, and therefore, they communicate. There are things in their parenting that I don't agree with, but as they are the parents, I might quietly discuss my thoughts with my husband, but the final choice is his and his exes. The same goes for him with my kids. He isn't their dad, even if they no longer have one on Earth.
The exception to all of this is if the child is doing something destructive and harmful to your home environment. Then you have the right to ask your spouse to intervene. But, again, your spouse, the parent, needs to do that. I don't mean silly household stuff. I will ask my step-son, for example, to put his dish in the dishwasher if he gets up from the table without doing so. If, however, he freaked and said no and swore at me (hasn't happened), I'd leave the punishment to his dad.
My kids will never have a stepmother, so I can't understand the jealousy a bio-mom might have. I'd like to think that had I been divorced and not widowed that I'd like to work with that mom to give my kids the best environment in both homes possible, but that she'd respect that I am the mom. But, of course, that's all in theory.

Amy - posted on 04/11/2015

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I am a bio mom. As I've gone through my own personal journey for the last 9 years and have reached out to online forums for support and help I'm truly saddened, infuriated and shocked by the raging war between the bio mom vs stepmother.

Our (my ex and I) history is one in which we tried very hard to create a loving atmosphere for our child as co-parents. We've done family time and our families still love and respect our extended families. That's not to say we haven't had our fair share of really major knock down blow out fights and differences. ..

For my story. .. the dad really didn't want to be there in the beginning. He was emotionally abusive to me (called me fat when I was pregnant! ). It was like pulling teeth to get him to watch our child. Just recently he tried to use the line that he was just a stupid kid when she was born.... well guess what? So was I. Except I was the mother. I carried her for 9 months in my belly. My body changed. My whole life changed. His virtually stayed the same. He still went out every weekend. He still could drink. He could go to sleep when he felt tired. I'm the one that had to grow up fast. But i don't regret a single second because it gave me my daughter who is also my heart.

But when we didn't work out as a couple, I had a choice. I could be bitter and vengeful, or I could work really hard at forgiveness. I chose forgiveness. It was really a hard and lonely path to go down. It's sadly not the path most ex couples seem to choose. And it was really hard doing it when I felt I was doing 90% of work.

8 months ago he moved 3000 miles away to be with his new girlfriend. He actively chose to leave his daughter. But he wants to play father of the year around his friends and family and new girlfriend. But guess what.... I let him. Because our child is 8. And she loves him. His new gf is looking like she'll most likely be stepmother. She is interested in our child and has a true desire to know and love her. I can't say it doesn't sting to watch that relationship mature. ... because motherhood is something most bio mothers don't want to share.

So it angers me to read stepmother rants about how the bio mother should just roll over and accept her (stepmother) as the new queen bee in the life of her (bio mom's) child. That you should be getting attention and accolades for the things you do as a parent. You chose to date and marry a man with a child or children and with that comes baggage. Being a true parent means getting vomited on, waking up when you're tired, eating cold food because the kid is hungry or whatever it is, and not seeking validation of what a good person you are and using it against the bio mother. Good. You did that? You stayed up with her while she was sick? Well bravo that is what you should do. Not so it can be used as a weapon later, but because you do in fact love your new step child. Maybe she didn't call because she does in fact trust your judgement and all the things you can offer as he mother figure when the child is in your care.

Maybe it's emotionally hard for her to deal with the new situation. .... just as it is for you. Maybe the answer is really looking at the woman on the other side of the story. Because all women need support and love. All women, bio mothers and step moms, know what a struggle and emotional drain it is sharing a child. It was never part of the master plan on either side. But here we stand.

And it becomes a choice. Do you choose love and compassion? Or do you choose to find anything and everthing to stock your arsenal against bio mom? Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and be the one to extend the olive branch. Maybe you'll have to do it a million times over. But anger is a cancer. I can attest to that. Love heals. Love makes for happy well adjusted children. You married a man with a kid. You were ready to love him and his child. .. but you seem to forget that you need to love the bio mother too. She's in their history. She needs to feel that your not just trying to erase her. It was her body that created that life. And she deserves your respect. As you do hers.

It's not to say some biological mothers aren't crappy. And some adoptive parents aren't just the most stellar parents on earth. But if bio mom is in the picture, then why not try to lift her up? And maybe, eventually she'll see the value in doing the same for you.

For my story. ... it's still being written. I'm human too. I have jealousy over the relationship my daughter has with her dad and his girlfriend. But I see a greater value in teaching her its ok to love the new woman and for the new woman to love her back. And sometimes..... it's really really hard to do that. So keep that in mind, please, as you search for your validation... bio mom is searching for hers. She has a natural right to her biological child. You don't. But it's wonderful you choose to accept and love this child. So continue to spread the love. To paraphrase one of my favorite quotes.... Hate doesn't chase away hate. Love does".

Mariah - posted on 04/05/2015

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I just want to say "BRAVO" and preach that, Lizvilla. Being a mom is an action!! If you birthed a child and don't act as a mother, you may still be BM but you are not a real mother. Just wanted to say thanks for your post. The goal for everyone should be for your CHILD to have healthy relationships and kept safe. LOVED THIS POST because you had real, true passion in it and you are right.

Mariah - posted on 04/05/2015

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sorry but when your husband is invited you are invited too, regardless of what they say. You two are one and you have every right to be involved in your kids lives (yes your kids too~! She can get over it~Sorry you are dealing with this.

Jessica - posted on 03/31/2015

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I'm guessing all u women downing stepmothers would b the jealous bio mom's correct? Let me go ahead n say yall dk what ur talking about lol If a mother doesn't take care of her child then she ain't much of a mother. Women give their kids up for adoption every day cuz they don't want em then when they get adopted they usually find someone who will live n care for em. Sorry but I'd b happy to know that my children were well taken care of when not in my house personally n if a woman ain't gonna step up n take care of her child the way a real mother should then them kids obviously need someone to step in n take care of em don't they and in my case my stepsons mom won't take him to the dr when he's sick so I have to cuz I have 3 month old twin girls whom he has gotten sick cuz that idiot send him to my house with pink eye, strepthroat, n other viruses now normally I wouldn't tell a woman how to raise her kid with some common sense but when it can affect my babies I'll b damned if I'll let that shit go!

Jennieslim - posted on 03/27/2015

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You are the step mother because your child has a father.. let him be that child's father and take care those thing's! She's not insecure she's the mother it's natural even in observing animals! Don't be her step mother if you are making list of thing's you do for her!

E Faye - posted on 03/22/2015

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I goggled on the search of a stepmom verses an adopted mom in how it affects one's doings emotionally. My husband and I married 22 years ago with his daughters being 22 and 23. Due to the girls being adults, I have never looked at myself as their stepmom but as a very good friend who loves and cares for them. I have never stepped in to give them my advice or guidance unless they asked for it, which my now 44 year old stepdaughter has. My opinion to her was very positive and uplifting for her self esteem and her outlook in life to be positive. I ended up receiving a nasty message on our landline vm from the bio mom to stay out of her daughter's business and anything to do with Beverley was to only be between her as the mother and their father (my husband). Take note that my husband's ex wife and daughters live in England and we live in America. The whole scenario has become so complicated as years have gone by. My oldest stepdaughter has always stayed loyal to me as a dear friend with not allowing her mother to ridicule me and at times her sister, Beverly. I look at the relationship in comparison to where as a stepmom we give all our love and support standing behind their biological father as an adopted mom, as I see it, they provide all their love and support whether they are single or married. There is quite a difference I know, but what a stepmom tries to do innurturing with positivity, love, support, trials in life is quite a sacrifice of our own choosing. I have been told by both girls that their mum is very bitter and has a problem with me. I will never understand because the previous wife made the choice to break the marriage, there was 10 years between their divorce and my marriage to my husband. There have been times where my husband will go and visit his daughters and now grandchildren & great grandchildren for a period of 3 weeks, which is very important, on a yearly basis. My heartache is that I sometimes cannot go because of my obligation to my employment. My heart aches to not be able to see my 'blended' family and miss my husband terribly. I have been told by others from the UK that I am the step mother and that is it. It hurts very deeply. I am the one who takes care of birthdays, Christmas, summer vacations, emergencies, etc. and yet I am just the step mom. When I am there, the biological mother refuses to have me attend any family events because it is 'her' family and yet when I am not there, my husband is welcomed to join family events. My stepdaughters state they do not have me included to attend the events because they never know what their mum is going to say or do to be mean to me. I will note, my husband always stands by my side and never leaves me alone. So, with writing this, I now see the difference between a stepmom and an adopted mom; a step mom has to contend with the bitterness and jealousy of the previous wife because of her regrets whereas an adopted mother does not have that person involved in her life. 'step' does mean stepping in to love and care no matter what and stand by as a friend, guardian and not as the word, 'mom'. fc

Connie - posted on 03/08/2015

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I can only reply by stating that you have made judging statements about the Mother and possibly this is the reason some Mother's do not get along with the stepmothers.

Donna - posted on 01/31/2015

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I am a step mom. My step son repeatedly has stated he gets left at home alone by his mom. She neglects to feed him and has hit him in the head and yells at him. I have witnessed her being manipulative with him during phone calls. My sister-in-law has stated she witnessed my step son being treated badly by his mom. His mom takes him to the doctor for things like his pants being too tight. She either has Munchausen's by proxy or is doing this because she wants to run up costs since we pay 76 percent of medical costs. She has lied and told us he was going to daycare for 18 months and refused to provide us with receipts. We now have to seek a judgement to get our money back. I tried to establish a better pattern of phone communication and visits between father and son but she makes us miserable. She has gone as far as sending him with a bazaar rash on his genitals that caused him to cry. I had her not send any clothes and bought him clothes that fit him and that were washed by me. The underwear were a size 3T and he was 6 years old. The underwear that did fit him properly were a size six. He is 8 now and I love him but his dad is not willing to do battle with his ex over her behavior. I have had to stand down and try to disengage because the mom has more rights than I do and his dad doesn't oppose his sons treatment. I try to think about how bad other kids have it in comparison to my step son. I really wanted to have my step son around even during vacations. My two girls are raised and was looking forward to having a step son. It's become apparent I'm supposed to be a step mom but I really mean nothing and it's all a pointless investment. Furthermore, I have another step-son living with us (child from first marriage) and he is 19. I devoted seven months to helping him get through high school diploma program at college because he dropped out of high school. Come to find out he had $2500 worth of speeding tickets, etc. in two states license suspended. He sold his own moms car without her permission and stole her debit card and spent $1200. Plus he signed a contract to buy a car and it got towed and sold so the private party wants money from my step son. He drove my car with his license suspended in two states without my knowledge. When I found out I put a stop to his driving my car so I thought. He stole my spare key out of my husbands nightstand and drive it without my permission. I found a condom wrapper in back seat of my car. I took a picture of my odometer and proved he was stealing my car. I have had money missing out of my purse several times. I want him out of our home . My husbands 22 year old has been stripping and a prostitute and does drugs. She demands we pay her way and has been a psycho at my husbands bothers funeral. She attacked and screamed at my husband. I've tried to be nice. We paid off his daughters medical bills and $9,000 car. We paid off his sons fines and put him through classes so he could get his high school diploma. I am done with my husbands kids and his second ex wife and the drama. Step parents can be dished a whole lot of crud! This could be one reason some step parents or even bio parents just can't extend themselves any more.

Jody - posted on 01/31/2015

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Somebody posted a comment that there is special bond between a mother and their child and I agree but what about the mother who leaves their daughter for a man and has two more children and does not help support her child at all and only sees her during the summer and maybe a holiday?? I'm the stepmom in this situation. The child in this situation has a loving father who has full custody and I (stepmom) try my best to be there for her as a mother figure since her bio mom is not involved. Just because a woman gives birth it doesn't make her a mother. I do not understand women like this!

Donna - posted on 01/11/2015

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I have to agree with your statement. In my situation my ex and his new wife both split up two homes to be with each other. They didn't care about the consequences each of their innocent children would have to deal with ,and quite honestly they didn't care about anyone other than themselves. 2 homes were split, 3 childrens lives were affected, both adults walked away from their families to be with each other and left the children behind. Don't get me wrong ....months later they each became involved with their own children on a more regular basis but the initial act they did was a very selfish act. YET my sons new stepmom can look me straight in the eye and tell me that during their 5 year affair they were doing nothing but thinking of ALL the children involved. I mention this only because today this woman still has an issue with any amount of time my son spends alone with his father, she demands to have vacation without any of the children and will some times include her teenage boys but never my son because he is younger (9) and requires to much guidance and watching. When my son was initially spending his 4 weeks of summer time with his dad and his stepmother it wasn't an issue UNTIL I found out that while his dad was working his step mom, didn't feed him breakfast, or lunch, didn't check on him but instead let him "fend for himself" and have free reign of the house to the point where my son was telling me he didn't feel safe being there alone with his stepmother because she wouldn't know if he was hurt or not....I put a stop to that. I am not sure how I am going to handle this summer because I do feel it is important for my son and his father to have that time together.....My point though is exactly what your post states....My son had no choice in any of this and most definitely did not ask for a step mom who honestly hasn't cared about him from the beginning. This woman knew what she was doing from day one when everything started and I honestly believe she truly thought that my ex would just walk away from him as he has done his 3 previous daughters and I'll admit he did for a while but is slowly coming back around. I just don't understand why the children are not put at the forefront of everyones minds. If they were these situations wouldn't happen like this.

Donna - posted on 12/15/2014

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I don't think it's easy being the bio or step mom. I have decided that it's important to not focus on the other woman. Focus on yourself and your husband. Doing what is about your own feelings and taking into account the kids feelings of course. Ignore her and reinforce your boundaries and decide what you want for your life. Find creative ways to cope and handle issues. Take care of you because people tend to judge and lose focus of what's important. The kids grow up and move on. I want to be healthy and have a great marriage. That is what my focus is! I could be the worlds greatest step mom, but we are just going to get a bad rap no matter how great we are. Don't take on any extra motherly duties than you have to. Don't invest or get too attached! My step son is 8 and is just as manipulative as his mother. He gets in our vehicle and states all he thinks about is living with me. Then later his mom states I told him he could come live with us. She is crazy! The more her son is around us the more contact from her and the more craziness that creates conflict in our marriage. She is remarried, but doesn't want me around because I interfere with her trying to be the alpha wolf in my husbands life. She took financial advantage of my husband. He believed all the expenses she claimed to have without providing a receipt. My husband has a TBI. No one knew this until I discovered something was wrong. It happened two years before she left him for another man. She kept him on a string for several years. She obviously didn't love him or she would have addressed his health issues. She didn't even cry when he stepped on IED in Iraq. She has focused a lot of time on contacting my husbands family and turning them against me. I am fine with the few members that used us and now doesn't want me around because We will no longer be used. I'm not going to allow my husband to keep paying for things his family wants. My kids are gown, my daughters have had women in their dad's life. I leave them alone and stay out of their business. I really don't care and have zero jealousy. We all get along and no drama on my side.

Karina - posted on 09/10/2014

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So would it be the same do not let a child live in a house where the mother has remarried? That is just ridiculous! I know for fact that if it where not for me my children would never have known what a good mother looks like and I am the step mother and no that is not an opinion!!

Jenny - posted on 08/25/2014

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Wow, some of the comments on here are really sad, bitter and very hateful towards stepmothers.

and I am saying this as someone who cannot stand for the life of me my own ex stepmother.

I do not think most issues with a step and bio mom are caused by the step. It can be either one to initiate the issue due to Ego's and Jealousy.

I don't see why it should be a problem for a bio mom, to have a stepmother for her children that love them and want to nurture them when they are under their roof. On the contrary, I feel a bio mom should be happy and grateful that the woman the father chose, chooses to love the children and treat them right. Because believe me it is a choice! I chose to do what I do for my SD because I care for her and her father.

Lets turn this around, if that bio mom remarries and her husband took on the role of father figure in the home, is that a problem? From what I have personally seen, no it is not a problem, the men are put on a pedastool and people say, "oh, what a wonderful man he is, he treats my kids so well, like if they where his"

Why can't a father or a mother be happy with their new partners and all 4 love the child enough to put aside petty crap about "ohh, I don't want my child to love another woman like the child would love me"

As a stepdaughter I wish my stepmother would have loved us the way I love my stepdaughter. I wish my stepmother would have wanted to treat us like her own, especially since we where so young when she came into the picture and we had lost our own mother.

I tell everyone around me and around my stepdaughter that she has her mother and we both know our place. We respect what her mother's wishes are but her mother also knows that in our home BF and I set the rules, NOT bio mom. (if it was up to bio mom there would be no rules) in her home her and her bf set their rules. We've never had an issue with this. Before I came into the picture, SD would never dare to mention her mom to my BF or MIL because they would always be negative about bio mom. Now SD trusts me enough to talk to me, to mention bio mom and things they do at home. She trusts me enough to tell me if something hurts or if she doesn't feel well, something she never did with my BF or MIL or her own bio mom(I know this because her own bio mom has said that to us)

Our issues stem from money mostly, Bio mom takes the money and dumps SD at our MIL's house during SD's time with her Bio Mom. Our issues with bio mom include the fact that she is a bit neglectful of her health and nutrition.

But I guess I am lucky that bio mom and I can leave out the petty crap about who her daughter loves more and who her MOM is, to insure she knows she is loved at any home she is in.

and trust and believe! you do not have to be a bio mom to form a bond with a child, I saw it in my SD this weekend when I noticed signs of jealousy towards my nephew from her. Although I am not happy that she felt she needed to stray my attention away from my nephew back to her, it did show me the extent of how she see's me. She did not want to share me! (and yes, we did talk to her about her behavior and that she should know I love her just as much as my nephew)

Megen - posted on 08/14/2014

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Coming from a mom (stepmom) myself, I see there's a lot of baby mama dramas in here. I don't care what any of you women say about step parents there real can be just as real as a bio moms. It doesn't take blood to build a bond. If that was the case then why do people adopt? If your baby mama drama bad mouths you to the kids ignore it. Regardless of what one parent does, doesn't give the other parent the right to talk bad. It's like telling a child that half of them is bad instead build the other parent up and only speak of the positives. When the child's old enough they'll realize what's going on. The more they try to tear you down the more they tear themselves down. I don't even let my step kids mother get to me anymore. She couldn't compare to me on my worst day. Just focus on you, your husband, and your babies.

Severina - posted on 08/13/2014

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I agree with yous as a stepdaughter. The second wife - the stepmother - endures the children of her second husband but she really loves only HER OWN children. So, it is better for the stepchild not to live in your fathers new family.

Sharon Spencer - posted on 08/05/2014

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That is the worst thing that I have seen on this site. I am appalled.

Jean - posted on 07/31/2014

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A "step mother" is created only when a father marries a woman not the mother of his children.; The mother is always the mother but the "step mother" will only be the "step mother" until the husband takes another new wife. Most hate relationships between step and mother are caused by the step (jealousy) who may have never even met the mother (as in my experience as a step child.). I think the best answer to "step mother" problems is not to allow a child to live in the home where a father married again. Bottom line is that "step mothers" are desperate to marry a man and would be a lot better off without another woman's children under her roof.

Grayfeather

Mary - posted on 07/20/2014

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I wish someone would explain to me why the term step mother is even used. You are a second wife. If you are performing the duties of a mother for a child that is not yours, then you are doing it to appease your husband. The child is his and his ex-wifes. Not yours in any way.If you are unhappy with that then maybe it is the child's father you need to deal with. The child did not ask for 2 mommies you were forced on the child by it's father. Dad's decision is what put the child in this position. If more second wives starting looking at this from a child's perspective maybe they would see this in a whole nother light. Second wives are a part of their husband's life, not his child. If dad wants to see his child then he should not make you responsible for his child's needs and requirements. That is HIS responsiblity. If you are fulfilling these requirements to please your husband DO NOT take it out on that child. What everyone in these situations forgets ALWAYS is that NO child has asked to be a part of this. These children are the VICTIMS of adults who have no regard for any happiness but there own. How many times have a heard it said that a child must accept the fact that Mommy or Daddy has a right to be happy. At the child's expense, of course. Children are PEOPLE not POSSESIONS. The children are the only ones who get my heart in these issues because they are truly the innocents who get hurt.

Lizvilla - posted on 07/07/2014

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It is a good thing they aren't living with her. She doesn't sound all that stable, mature or rational. Thank you for putting that up there. There are so, so many women who do this, and our society likes to act like they are anomalies. When that happens it hurts the kids and disregards the mother's work a stepmother does. It seems thankless, based on what I've seen here. The step moms are too cold or too eager to replace the biomom. I doubt every single stepmom being badmouthed here is a witch. I suspect the witch factor is evenly spread on either side.

We might as well be real, here: the ultimate measure of womanhood is motherhood. Many noncustodial moms had custody taken away from them through child protective services due to addiction and mental illness. Men have their kids taken from them when biomoms decide they don't like the new partner. That is the most common cause for losing joint custody. And men don't get judged as less than, when they go through this. It is acceptable, expected, ordinary. The sexism is on both ends and is double edged for both, but the real losers are the kids.

As a mom and a school employee (I am your friendly sub!) I see so many parents and grandparents who are involved and ready to do whatever it takes for their kids. It's great because I see it across all socioeconomic boundaries and these kids just respond so well when things at school and home sync up. Step parents do it, too. And they are just as important as parents - I know that is sacrilege to many bioparents, but it's a fact. Involved adults make for happier,healthier kids. But I am so, so tired of having to be mindful about not mentioning step moms to moms. This is a consistent theme. We have to be aware of certain people being in the same building together because they will start a scene. The WORST offenders are the custodial moms who refuse to let step moms pick kids up from school, even though the dad has them at those times. Our principal had to be advised by the school district's attorney,who had to read the custody papers, in order to figure out who was going to pick a five year old up from school. The kid had to wait two hours in the principal's office and the stepmother was made to sit in the parking lot while the mother raised hell.

Miranda - posted on 07/07/2014

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OMG I so relate to this times a million. My husband and i have full custody of his two and my two. His dumb ex is crazy and she is evil she yells things like they came from my crotch.. yeah volger much . She is nothing more then an icubator posting pics of them on her 2 hours a week visits when she takes them all over FB like mother of the year.. oh let add she uses pic on dating websites seriously low. she cares nothing for them and she pays not a dime to support them . She sees them less then 10 hours a month yet plasters her FB with pics.. seriously it sick.. They call me mom and she gets mad. I told my kids they need to call her mom she is their mom and my 9 year old said well she doesn't act that way.. in the end the kids know and they will carry thats. as for bio mom its sad the monster she has become.

Lizvilla - posted on 07/07/2014

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Twenty eight percent of children living with a single parent are living with their father. When children live with their father they are more likely to receive no chid support or visitation from the noncustodial parent than are children who live with their mothers. These children are not anomalies, despite the fact that they are “exceptions.” Motherless children are not the unicorns of the parenting world. They are, sadly, a sizable portion of our population. I grew up thinking this never happened to other people and was profoundly shocked to find it isn’t. I have to disagree with your notion that this is somehow rare.

AndI don’t understand your point about “taking away” from a biomom. What’s being “taken away?” If someone loves your kid and wants to mother them, it doesn’t mean your mothering is “taken away.” It means another person cares about your kid. I would think this is a good thing? Think about it this way: You want your kids’ teachers to have good relationships with them, too, right? And many teachers have genuinely loving bonds with students. Is that taking anything away from their mothers?It’s benefiting the kid. I would think, especially in divorce situations, that you want your kid to get as much tlc and support as they can get. Kids from broken homes often feel unimportant and pushed aside when a new partner is around.

To be honest I don’t understand your response because you ended up talking about step moms who didn’t care for your kids, which is another issue. I am sorry your kids had to go through such painful situations. Yes, many biological mothers are bonded with their kids. But if you’re going to complain about stepmothers you need to realize many of them necessarily have to step into the mother’s role because there are mothers who leave and a woman’s feelings aren’t the end all, be all just because she carried a baby to term.

EW - posted on 07/04/2014

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It's rude to call a mother of the children you claim to love "crazy." Whatever insecurities she may have, she should own that. That said, stepmother's ought to have respect for those insecurities.
Sorry. I don't see my children's stepmother as a 'bonus mom,' as much as the mother of three additional little challenges that prevent my children full access to their father. She's not the one that soothes my kid's feeling when Mr. Wonderful forgets a birthday, Christmas, or cancelled visitations to do something for her? When my children started visiting their father's house, they were put out of their beds when she moved in and relegated to the floor and couches. Did that irritate me? You bet.
Dad treats his children different now. When he came home for the holidays, it was requested our children be able to accompany her to the airport to see their dad for the first time in four months~ she said there wasn't enough room in the van for them all to fit safely. Same van they'd been using for a year. My little girl, the baby of OUR children, wanted to see her dad. WHY on earth should a child have to compete with another woman's for their father's affection and attention?
Now that the they have moved far away, the kid's only see their dad minimally. They were promised beds when they arrived. They do not have them. They were promised time alone with their dad. They have gotten very, very little. My daughter already doesn't want to go back~ as her children are telling them to get out. My youngest is struggling with these kids calling her father, 'Daddy."
When they had a family portrait done~ our children were left out. How convenient. Yet, she calls my kids, "hers." Pick a story line and stay with it.

And yes, I am a tad bit bitter about the kids having to beg for their father's attention~ been there, done that with my own father and stepmother. Her kid's got gold chains for Christmas while my brother and I got house plants.

Divorce sucks.

EW - posted on 07/04/2014

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One lets go. She is an adult. I have had to do this with my own daughter, and I raised her. This generation has an attitude of entitlement~ as hard as that is, let it go and someday, she will grow up.

Mommy - posted on 06/26/2014

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I'm not really sure if the people involved are still going to read this, but here goes: I've been with the same man now for 21 years, married 16, he had a little girl who was 1 when I met him. I the same except she was 6 months old. When we met it was great.

We dated for 5 years before we got married. We planned everything around my stepdaughters and her mother schedule, because we wanted her included in everything that we did. Her mother made it very difficult for us, used the child as a weapon for years. That young lady came to our home everyday after school because her mom worked. My husband didn;t want her to be a latch key child. I was fortunate that I was home with them. They went to school together, different grades, but came home on the same bus for years. Then her mom decided to move into a new school district on purpose because she felt she didn;t need to come over anymore because she was sick of picking her up twice a week, and we drove her home the other days. Needless to say, we now had to go a meet her at the bus stop, my husband was working, so I did it for years, without a problem, I love this girl like my own. Always did always will. I TOOK HER to dr. appts, dentists, check ups, warts burned off, wisdom teeth extracted, they mother never took her to the Dr., but had the nerve to call one day screaming at us because the one time she did take her the Dr. Office didn't know who she was. (Not my fault) We listed her information in her file, she never had time for this stuff. It was always me, my husband was and is still very greatful for the love and care I give her. He supports me till this day.
But now, she is 22 and the last 4 years have been terrible. She hurts my husband so bad, with her nasty attitude, thinks she is better than anyone and she isnt. All the years we planned everything around the court ordered visitation so she wouldn't miss anything, I've thrown her every birthday party, graduation party, etc., for her, listened to her cry how bad her mother was to her, she couldn't stand her, bla bla bla, Cooked her meals, bought her extra stuff clothing whatever she wanted in addition to child support paid because I love her like my own.

AND NOW this monster, She went to a very expensive college, her financial aid did not cover it, we invested over $20,000 in her college, part of it because she failed courses and it cost us $8,000 for summer sessions so she could get her financial aid back. Her mother would not do it. She promised to pay back $2,000 in payments to us. 2 years later not 1 penny has been offered to pay.

She is still rude, very mean, comes around when there is a holiday or maybe show her face for an hour. She has all the time in the world for her mother side and that family. AFTER 21 YEARS THIS IS WHAT YOU GET. My husband and I can lay our head down at night knowing we raised her the right with values and tried to keep them instilled but why the hurt. HE WAS NEVER A WEEKEND DAD or A PART TIME DAD, we went to every school event, sport played, concert. Don't get it. The hurt is terrible. But yet when she comes around my husband, me our daughter and son don;t get excited anymore and she gets pissy. Too much hurt. This is the thanks for 21 years of loving someone like your own. The mother condones all her actions for years. What does one do?????

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