Dealing with ex-wife and all the drama that comes with it!

Tabitha - posted on 05/13/2009 ( 33 moms have responded )

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I have been a step-mom for 3yrs now and i still do not have the hang of it. My stepdaughter was 2yr when my husband and i got together and the ex-wife has had it out to make our lives horrible from the get go. Legally, our hands are tied,but my main problem is the way she talks to my husband. The ex-wife is constanly talking down to him as if he walked out of a cave yesterday, and has on mutiple Occasions cussed at him or yelled at him infromt of the 5yr old daughter! As a wife who wants nothing more then to support my husband am i just supposed to sit there and allow such disrespect to take place? I have emailed to try and let her now that such actions upset me, and don't see how it is mentaly healthy for the daughter to see her treating her father in such a manner,but the only reply i have ever gotten was a " i will talk to him how i damn well please!". I need help, advice, and some one to let me know i'm not the only step parent struggling to not loss there mind.

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Lisa - posted on 07/20/2009

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Hey, listen, this is all pretty normal. I dealt with it this way: I kept my mouth shut. I didn't talk cross to her, contact her about the girls, nothing. That isn't my job. That is my husband's job. HE has to get a handle on her. You only add fuel to her fire, you create jealousy. I know it's hard--believe me I know it's hard to stay quiet. BUT when she sees that you aren't affected by her foul mouth, (and encourage your husband to do the same----DON'T REACT to her), she will chill and see that she can't get to you. All you are doing now is going back n forth which solves nothing. Try this approach for a change and see how it works, it worked with me and I am closer to my step-daughters because they never saw me disrespect their mom. The kids feelings about you are what you need to focus on, not their ignorant mother--she's making a fool of herself every time she yells & screams at you & your husband. Let her be the one to look stupid to the kids. They will respect you in the end and the kids are all that matters.
Hope this helps, Lisa

Christie - posted on 10/28/2009

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Good luck there. I've been dealing with my husbands insane EX for 13 yrs. She had turned 2 of the 3 kids against me and I am the one who raised them. The olddest was only 7, then 4 and then 1 and half when I began dating my husband. He had custody of them becuz she just left them...but since I came into the picture she has made my life miserible and she treats him terrible. she underminds him all the time and he just gave up on her. He hates to talk to her and he hates dealing with her. She lies all the time to the kids and she...oh I could go on and on.



I wish I could say that she will one day stop but I can't. She may give up but I think she maybe jealous of you and she is a controlling person who needs to feel the power of that. Your husband has probably gotten to the point that ignoring her is the safest way to go for him.



I know it is frustrating when she talks about him and you like that in front of the child. I'm still there. Just dont' stoop to her level. Don't talk mean or negitive about her in front of the child when you are frustrated. Be the bigger parent there. She will hang herself there...



Always remember that the child didn't ask for this situation. She is probably confused about why Mom hates my step mom so much. She may even find it hard to talk to her mom about good things that happen in your home becuz it may make her BM sad or mad.



Good luck and let me know if I can help more.



Christie

[deleted account]

yes ma'am I know all about this. My hubby's ex does the same thing and now 4 years later I can see it starting to really affect my 9 year old step daughter. She is starting to want to stay with her mom and not come with us on our weekends anymore when she used to be such a daddy's girl. I tried to tell the ex that she needed to watch what she said about my husband when their daughter is around but she did not listen. So now I just don't let her talk to him unless she has to. Things have gotten a little better b/c they don't have to deal with each other and I am taking a load of stress off my already stressful man.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/28/2010

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Ummmm is your husband not capable of telling her to stop? walk away? tell her to leave?
He has more control in the situation than you're willing to give him.

Kate - posted on 11/30/2010

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To be perfectly honest I think it is best for us step mums to stay out of it. We all have the best of intentions, but it is much better to help him develop the skills to stand up to her rather than take it upon your self to contact her. it just makes it more amd more complicated if you get involved. If for some reason you need to go to court in the future it is really important that there is nothing that can be held against you. The children will hopefully see that you are the calm and logical ones, and mum is the one who is out of control - when they get old enough to understand. As she was young when you became part of the famiyl then you have much mroe chance that she will understand this. I would focus on building a positive relationship with her, rather than trying to fight the battle with the ex. Best leave her to have her own dramas. Get a separate phone and only allow her contact on that phone - so he doesnt' ahve to listen to her unless he wants to. Strict clear rules about what is expected from all parties - and encourage him to just say to her something like "if you continue speaking to me like that I will hang up the phone. I don't not have to listen to this abuse.

Do NOT get into a he said she said thing, and don't aruge the point with her - she is irrational - and arguing is not going to help. Stay calm, get him to tell her what is is going to be, repeat things clearly and calmly. If he sits there and listens she is only going to keep on going with it!.

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Karina - posted on 09/10/2014

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Tabitha,
I have been dealing with an ex wife for almost ten years who not only treats my husband bad but her own children and allows her new husband to treat them bad as well. All I can say is if you can try and go to counseling with her to start a healthy conversation where you can have a mediator that might help. other than that I would attempt to make sure your daughter is not around for these conversations and if she is don't be afraid to take her aside and talk to her about them. Not in detail but just letting her know adults don't always agree and don't always know how to express themselves and that you are sorry she heard what she heard but that you all love her dearly and that will never change. As for you, all I can say is if you do not react your stepdaughter will see that you are the bigger person when she gets older she will respect and love that more. trust me we now have custody of two of our three daughters they saw who there mother really was when they got about 12 and they are no longer interested in being a part of her life now. It will turn in your favor!

Paige - posted on 09/05/2014

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When there are children involved, with the mother still living, you're best to avoid getting involved in most cases. There will most likely always be a level of jealousy from either the ex (usually the case) or the new woman who can't handle the idea of sharing her time with the kids, thus in return, causing problems with the kids, or the ex. It's a vicious circle. So my advice…..Until the kids are grown and gone out of the house, you're best to look elsewhere for your future mate, and if you choose not to, expect to be one of these women asking for help.

Jenny - posted on 08/27/2014

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best you can do is ignore it and have your SO ignore it as well. Things will get worse because she will start to see she is losing her grip...and of course it is ALL your fault and YOU are the reason why his child is not seeing his father...never mind the fact that it is her keeping the child away. It is all your fault for not reacting to her crap. But eventually they get it and calm down!

My SD's mom started with this crap when BF and I started dating. Before I came into the picture he was supposed to be on call for her every desire, and it was always things like...

I want to party tonight so I need you to take your daughter, and if you can't I'll leave her with some unknown neighbor(she would use that exact phrase..."leave her with the next door neighbor or the neighbor down the street" BF: do you know them well? BM: no but that is your fault you can't take care of your daughter so I have to leave her there.)

It was almost every Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights...on her weekends (she partied on his weekends as well but he had her so that was not a problem, other than the fact that she would leave her 9 year old babysitting her 6 year old)

or if she didn't get what she wanted from BF she would make SD unavailable on his weekends. Telling him come pick her up at 7 on thrusday, then she would not be home, he would wait for hours then come home, she would call and say pick her up friday at 6, he would go and wait for hours again and she would make her unavailable again...would do that all weekend long.

BF would get mad and yell at her. Finally I told him, stop reacting to it. She knows she gets under your skin so don't let her see that she does. He took that approach, told her she needs to be responsible for SD on her time just like he is on his time, and if she needs him to take her more time he would be happy to but, lets go to court and change the agreement through court(she doesn't want to do it through the system since her Child Support would be reduced) She still used the excuse of well I'll leave her with so and so, and he says now "that is your decision as her mom during your time with her, if you choose to do that, then it is on you".
She got worse for about 3 months before she finally realized she was not getting anything out of it anymore...She found another person to dump SD on though...MIL.

For the last year and a half she has been taking SD for most of BM time with her. for FREE! BF finally told her about a month ago no more...she will not agree to a custody change unless MIL starts charging her for babysitting.

Stephanie - posted on 08/11/2014

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I am on the same boat, I sometimes get into an arguement with my hubby about it because he lets his ex-wife walk all over him. but he had talked to afew of his buddies who went through the same thing and the best thing you can do is keep a record of everything she's doing, especially if she uses some lies in court, keep a note, and when the day comes when you two have had enough, those are your ammunition, get a lawyer and hang her.

April - posted on 05/23/2014

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I have one crazy and would love some advice. With my ex we spent three years dating but never divorced I never had anything to do with any of them but we lived states apart and we only really talked when needed but we were always there when the other needed them. He did have one g/f who he got engaged who forced her self in my life and harassed me and well she stole 50k and ended up to be a con artist go figure bless his soul it was hard. That was really the only experience i had and i was never as crazy as what i am dealing with now. After my husband passed i met a man who was a very close friend. He married his wife in june and by july he left her they had a fairy tale love story flights vacations the works but never spent more than two days together. He left her and we met in july we remained friends for a few months. By december while on vacation we decided to move in together. He had tried to go home and do normal when his contract was up home (not her home his in another state) we never really meant to become more. 3 days later he was like yea I'm quitting my families enterprise and I want to have a life for once. More is not worth not having a family. So we have been perfect and in Feb we found out we were expecting. We are great as parters in our home and in business the only problem is his ex. She won't divorce him so we only have a few family and friend who know I'm expecting and we don't want to get slaughtered in court. He is scared of her we finally got a lawyer and so did she only after he didn't change his mind or give into her she won't even talk to her lawyer. FYI this girl thinks she is Kim Kardashian and I try to hard to stay calm. We got a order for her to not contact him and it lasted for 4 weeks then she went crazy again. This is how it works she trys being sick, she trys sending naked pics then she send around 40 text nd vm of her crying she just won't stop. We both worry about her mental health and sometimes I think we should just say hey we have a home and he has pretty much adopted my 5 year old as his and I'm having a child were happy just please go away. He has tried to be nice he has tried to be mean and now he just won't reply but it does not make it any less annoying. At this point I don't have any advice b.c being hormonal all I want to do is contact her and tell her to fuck off only our accounts are not small and we have had the frozen just so he can not find out how much he is worth. Its a crazy mess and I honestly should have stayed away from it but now we are way to involved to not be together and we move into our home with just purchased together in a week. What is the best way to get her to move on she honestly is not in her right mind this has almost been a year and its like he left her a week ago.

Moonlight - posted on 03/19/2014

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i have a problem that i am dating a man who has a 6yrs old son from his ex wife, and in the beging i didnt consider it as a problem but after i full in love with him i start getting jealous and we decided to get married but i am afraid of my jealousy ,,, what i have to do? i love him but just thinking of his son and his ex makes me depressed and i am trying to pretend normal.

Claire - posted on 03/14/2014

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Its so frustrating dealing with an unreasonable ex! But half the battle is when your husband/ partner is on your side. Nothing worse than a partner who bows down to their ex regardless of the hurtful things they have done to ruin your own relationship.

But I agree, it's best to stay out of the way of the ex, as they are the ones making a complete fool of themselves in the long run!

Claire R.

Sam - posted on 02/11/2014

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He is lucky to have for a wife ...
My ex-wife she called me to cancel the visit because he was in ER the day before and she never notify me for 5th time against court orders which she had 2 hours to notify me, I did want to take care of my son and see him make sure to give him his inhaler because she refuse to give it to him now I got this email
is that bulling or not ?
In order to see your son, you must say, IN WRITING, that you will return
him Saturday at the regular time and then pick up again on Sunday and
return him at regular time. If you will not do that, you should have
his attorney contact Brian. Otherwise, there will be no visitation
this weekend.

Kellie - posted on 06/09/2013

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I have read all post relating to dealing with Ex-wives and being a step mom...My kids(step-kids) mom and I cannot get along. Sadly the step children knows this. I have been accused and had a tro tried putting on me but nothing came out of it. We don't talk but if we have too, she always hangs up on me. Do I have to put up with this. Can I block her number? The stepkids have cell phones.

Jamie - posted on 12/12/2010

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Okay I think it depends on the stiuation, My husband has 3 bio moms and it is different with each one. The first one I dont ever talk to unless I have to and we get along for the child, the second one I knew before my husband ever did so it is different with her and when she did speak to my husband like that i would step in and sometimes it got pretty bad but now we are getting along great and have even hung out just us, the 3rd mom hated me and its just a mess with her we get along now but it was the whole jealousy thing but with her I say how i feel as well, I am a very outspoken person and its hard for me to bite my tongue especailly if it hurts someone I love. My husband is very nice to his baby moms and we do anything we can for the 3 kids as well as our other 2(5 total). Depending on the person and how your husband feels is the main thing you need to worry about...hope that helps.

Becca - posted on 09/16/2009

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My husbands x-wife is a real jerk. and it sounds like we both have a lot in common. the way these x's are is who they are and they won't change. the more you talk to them and try and change things the more mad and crazier they get. she cusses and yells at both of us and just now in the last two years seen one of our two boys. our oldest is 15 and to him she doesn't exist. the other still wants to see her. she in july finally after two years came around to see our youngest who is 12. life has been crazy with her. she has had 4 dui's, she lives with friends or who evers couch she can sleep on. she works part time and we never get any money or help from her. she is 36. i'm sorry to hear the things you are going through. one thing i learned if she starts to yell you hang up. tell her if you can't show respect then i will hang up on you till you cool down and talk to me like an adult. sometimes she just doesn't call back for days which is really nice. but i hope things get better for you. we have full custody so that helps. but again sorry for all your trouble your having i hope things get better..take care..and hang in there. keep your head up and keep smiling and always remeber to kill her with kindness and then hang up!!

[deleted account]

From personal experience trying to reason with an irrational ex wife will get you no where. The last thing an ex wants to hear from the new wife is how to talk to her ex husband and the father of her children. The only thing you can do is support your husband and create situations where verbal, face to face communication does not occur so that the child is not a witness to this behavior!
My hubbys ex is a pyscho in every sense of the word, she has kidnapped the child, she has made up herself to look like she was abused but never went to any hospital or doctor to get a physicians report, she has tried to run down my hubby at an exchange when she had the child in the car, she calls my hubby names and has always tried to convince SD that her father has a temper and will beat her too when he gets mad at her. Just this past weekend, she convinced SD not to come to her court ordered visitation because hubby and SD had a disagreement and EX wrote email saying SD was fearful of her safety and what her dad would do to her.

I say exchanges take place at a neautral location, not at each others houses. There is no phone contact between the ex, everything can be done via email, which then leaves a paper trail of what is really said.

Good Luck! I am an ex wife as well with 2 of my own children but I never did any of these things to my ex no matter how mad he made me and i have always supported the kids relationship with their father and his family. In fact, last Saturday, I drove my kids 2 hours so they could go to a family reunion on their fathers side and my ex invited me and my husband to stay and we all had a great time!!!

Hayley - posted on 08/10/2009

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I'm not the only 1! I understand completely how u feel, my partner has a 5yo daughter & his ex has done nothing but make life hard, what she doesnt realize is the impacts she is having on her own daughter.... . Both my partner & i are constantly 'bad-mouthed' by his ex & the saddest thing is she does it to her own daughter..... this poor child gets so confused & doesnt understand y mummy says bad things about daddy & Hayley. Unfortunately things have gotten so much worse since she found out i was pregnant; I'm so scared she will try make this lil girl resent her new sibling......

I honestly believe we're dealing with people who are so selfish they dont care who they affect or how they do it...... they cant stand to see other happy!

Sonya - posted on 08/01/2009

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I would suggest that you not deal with the BM any more than necessary. When she starts speaking that way, you turn around and leave and allow your husband to deal with it. If it's front of the child, then he needs to turn and leave with the child (if it's your turn to have the child) or just leave the child with the mother. Do NOT engage in the behavior.

I have found the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend a good one to help with setting boundaries to allow myself and husband a fairly "normal" life without the BM drama causing stress.

HTH :)

Anne - posted on 07/22/2009

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I know you are right as this has always been my strategy. BUT the more we are nice, the more we ignore, the worse she is getting. And now the eldest is starting to treat my husband in the same way.



His youngest lives with us - and when he is in a temper or grumpy I have been using the 'really nice and pleasant' technique with him; he struggles to understand why I'm being nice to him when he's being horrible to me - I nearly always end up getting him to do what I want rather than him getting what he wants but watching him looking at me and thinking 'why is she being nice to me' is fascinating as you can see he has never been around anyone who has been like this. It is obvious what has been happening at his mothers.



Everyone says it gets better - but it's getting worse .... maybe it's like when you sort out a cupboard ... it has to get messy before it can be sorted fully.



But I'm on sleeping tablets; I hate no self esteem; find it hard to make friends; want to watch TV all day ... every time I try to take control over elements of my life that I feel I can control ... I seem to fail.

Anne - posted on 07/20/2009

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I have an awful ex-wife - court order or not she ignores it and I could tell stories that would make your hair curl .... like the fact she moved the children to Thailand after pressuring them; one came back and is already in therapy because of the abuse; but the other has just spent 2 weeks in hospital with scepticimia because she didn't have adequate medical cover. Now he blames his father - says he wont speak to him.



i've had 9 years of abuse, bullying and am at the end of it; doesn't matter how much you love them, the poison from the ex into the relationship makes it difficult. I can't have kids and she loves that ... calls me all sorts of names.



The courts do nothing for the absent parent (male or female). My husband is slowly walking away from his kids and watching him, the pain and the hurt is killing me. I struggle to want to stay because I hate watching what is happening to these kids and I feel that I am part of it.



She tells lies - constantly - and the youngest one gets so angry with the lies that she says he keeps telling.



She can't get over the fact that she failed - and made a mistake in letting her marriage fail. It takes two to make a marriage work. And we are paying for her guilt and inability to get over things - despite remarrying and having 2 more kids.



It doesn't matter what the court says - our hands are tied and we have no power.



My husband's ex-wife is a complete cow - selfish, bully, spoilt, miserable and unhappy.



I have no control over how she infects my home ... and that's the worst thing about it.

Tina - posted on 07/17/2009

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Oh I agree the ex-wife is a handful to deal with especially when she doesn't care where her kids are as long as she gets to do what she wants and gets that good old child support to spend on her and her husband. the kids come last in everything with her, it makes me sick to my stomach to see my step son go to school in dirty holey clothes and she gets new ones. She neglect her oldest cause he doesn't want to live with anymore, but then tries to be controlling. That and she thinks its all her way with everything and she doesn't have to follow anyones rules/laws. Its hard beleive me I feel for anyone having to try and make a happy home for the kids and the ex-wife is a pain in everyones ass.

Barbara - posted on 07/08/2009

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yeah...for now we have completely cut her out. we are not communitcating with her. we are just going STRAIGHT to court to deal with it. We are obviously more stable, make more money, have a WAAAAY better neighborhood and better schools and parks, and theres no reason we wont get partial custody. Im done with her games and I'm not gonna let anything or anyone keep my husband from seeing his other little girl. Shes already 4, we can't waste ANY time!! I want her to meet our new baby....it's just not fair to our daughter that she cant bond and play with her older sister because her mom thinks she is queen of the world! We are going WAY above her on this, and shes not gonna even know what's coming!

Shannon - posted on 07/07/2009

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the problem is jealousy. i have the same exact issues with my husbands ex. she has admitted to him that she is jealous of what he has (ie,.new baby, married, house,new cars etc) and she does not. she says things to her 5yr old about me calls me names in front of her and hates the fact that my stpdtr calls me momma. i didnt ask for her to she just does. as far as talking to the x , honey nothing works. i have tried. it is even in court ordered writing that neither parent shall negativley discuss the other parent in front of the child. but it still goes on. i just make it a point not to allow her mother to be discussed in my house. and make it a point that when she is here she knows she is loved and never has to be subjected to immaturity and foolishness. as far as the husband, until he puts his foot down she will continue to walk all over him. most men say they do it to keep the peace but its bs and they know it. hope it at least makes u feel better.

Kim - posted on 07/01/2009

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Lets face it step-moms, if these ladies were perfect...no let me rephrase that...if these ladies were DECENT, and warm hearted and fairly good parents, we wouldn't be with our husbands, they would have never been divorced! LOL



I am lucky to have a hubby who deals 100% w/ the ex. I personally have never had to speak to her. She tries to manipulate him but he's had enough of that and doesn't put up w/ her crap now that he doesn't have to. The divorce was final and he got full custody. It's like she lost control and is severely overcompensating in the only way she knows how, cause DRAMA! On occasion she'll pull the "why did you do this to me and I love you and I want my family back!" But we all know she did this to herself with her lying, cheating and ruining the family finances. BM is unstable and fought with dad a lot and went out & partied a lot. My step kids have a younger half sister whom BM became pregnant with while dad was deployed to Iraq. She currently lives in Texas, we live in Oregon and she is supposed to be able to see them whenver she wants as long as she pays the expenses (it's the court order). She keeps promising to fly them down but hasn't so of course we have to pick up the pieces of their broken hearts from broken promises. They are still talking about the trip to DisneyWorld that we know is never going to happen, poor things. She hasn't seen them in over 2 years but she talks to them on the phone about once a week. There has been SO much drama with her it's insane. I could go on and on about her but basically, she's an immature, unstable, pathological liar who parties like it's going out of style and uses whoever she can to get what she wants. She is in a word "crazy."



We as step moms just do the best we can and sometimes it has to be enough to know that we are the stable, "normal" ones and are the best things to happen to our step kids. We know that in time they will see their BM for who she really is and know who was there for them and supported them and raised them.

Christine - posted on 06/22/2009

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It seems apparent that it's not just me expirencing the crazy bio-mom. For the longest time i've envied anyone who didn't have to deal with the ex wife! She has been a thorn in the sides of everyone, including her own family. Things seemed to have settled down after we were awarded custody...but then came the phone calls to the police forcing her to return my stepdaughter before school would begin, and with summer here i know we will be making the same phone calls come August. The thing that really gets me, I mean REALLY gets me is now that she's moved on in her own relationships (Another ex-husband up on the chalk bord), she's texting my husband more and more, and now she's closing them with " XOXOX" ! I'm sorry she missed that train years ago, it didn't help much that she slept around on my husband with his best friend...! But who the hell is she to send that to another woman's husband! I have absolutly no doubts about my husband and where is heart lies, but it's the principle of the matter. She causes so much stress in my household, and now that there are two little ones, they pick up on it so quick, plus my step daughter's absence is another stress on them; not knowing where she's gone, unable to explain it, they adjust to the absence then everything is upsidedown again when she gets back.

Missi - posted on 06/09/2009

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there will always be problems when 2 women are mothers to the same children!! i think the issue here is more about your husband he needs to stand up for himself!! if you try defending him itll just make it work! trust me in her eyes your living the life she set up for herself!! she wont care that its affecting her child coz she wont even see past the fact that you have her husband and child!! make him put her in her place!!!!!

Barbara - posted on 05/30/2009

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Don't worry, I am also in a similar situation...my stepdaughters mom is crazy and thinks she can do WHATEVER she wants. Right now my husband is paying child support but his daughters mom refuses to let us see her. We are going to court soon but meanwhile, It sucks just sitting around and watching her do all the stuff she does to him. One of the reasons she thinks its not in her daughters best interest to see him is because his daughter said "fuck barb" which is my name, HELLO how would she learn to say Fuck barb, her mom probably taught her that, cause like you from the get go she has always been jealous and envious towards me and has tried to do anything to break me and my husband up. And her saying hes a bad father for swearing, yeah, it's not good, but she herself does the same thing and doesnt know it. one time she came to get her daughter and snatched her out of his arm, and stormed off so he was like "I LOVE YOU, but your mom isnt gonna let me see you anymore (keep in mind, his daughter was 2 1/2 at the time) and her mom was like "that's because youre fucking stupid" it's like, Ok so it's alright for you to cuss? And when she found out I was pregnant she looked me in the eye and asked me "if he cant even take care of our daughter, what makes you think he can take care of yours?" and im just thinking to myself, did she really just ask me that?!?!? what a bitch! come to find out, she had a baby in march, my duedate was april 9th...so she was pregnant when she said that to me. I just want to call her and ask her, if you were pissed off and complaining about having to raise one child "all by yourself" then why did you go and have another? because she isn't with the new babys father either...ughhh its a messy situation too, cause my husband has doubts that the little girl isnt even his...why else would the mom deny him visitation, he's a wonderful father!

Francesca - posted on 05/14/2009

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your so not the only one having to deal with a bio mum who is crazy!!! my husband gets spoken to like s**t. she still likes to talk down to him, and treat him like their still married( which was not a good marriage) i know how you feel. for me i can not just stand there and listen to it all and seeing all the emails she writes. we have found that emailin back is the best thing to do. mind you im not aloud anything to do with her.

just stand by your man and support him the best you can. it will never change. in nearly 3 yrs we've been together its actually gotten worse :(

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