Help me understand

Katie - posted on 08/20/2012

This has been the hardest part for me. Since my husband gets his daughter every other weekend and they live a couple hours away. He doesn't get much communication about the daily things in his daughters life.
There has been a couple issues that have happened that we didn't know about until AFTER they happened. Things like signing her up for a volleyball team that just happened to have games every weekend that we were supposed to have her. We are very supportive about sports and her education but it would be nice to know things like that in advance since my husband has an on-call schedule at work that he can't ask someone to switch weekends with him for 3 or 4 months. Her Mom let her dye her own hair to an outrageous Halloween costume type color. Letting her wear whatever clothes she wants to wear. Having a party at their house that her coat was taken by mistake or on purpose and making her go the rest of the winter with no winter coat.

I had a conversation with her about the shorts issue while we were at the store shopping for a couple of pairs of shorts for summer time and the ones she picked out showed the bottom of her butt. So I told her that wasn't acceptable and she needs to respect herself or boys won't. Her mom was outraged that I had the nerve to talk to a 12 year old that way. Yes, a 12 year old. My husband completely backed me up and said he doesn't want some 20 year old guy staring at his daughters butt and when she's 16 and pregnant don't call him complaining and asking him what to do.

I honestly didn't think that giving her that little piece of advice was horrible, but it just goes to show you how quick the Bio-Mom is going to try to put you back in your place.

Alison - posted on 04/08/2012

You never badmouth the biological parents to the kids. Decide on the rules you will have in your house with your partner and enforce them.



My partner has a crazy ex and so I vent my frustrations to him and to my friends...

Ashlee - posted on 01/17/2012

If you think there is even the slightest possibility the bio mom will have a problem with whatever you're wanting to do, it's best to discuss it with her. Stuff like a haircut, ear piercing, etc may not seem like a big deal to you, but the bio mom will probably want a say in something that will change the appearance of her child. Never force or encourage the child to call the step-parent mom or dad. That should be up to the child. They will call you what they want to and feel comfortable with. My stepson calls me mommy but I have been in his life since he was a few months old and have had a major role in raising him. We tried to get him to call me by my name at first but he chose to call me mommy and that was that. I know his bio mom doesn't exactly like it but she understands it was his choice. If you and the bio mom at least have a civil relationship with each other, it would help to meet up and have a set of rules that are for both homes and enforced the same way. It's less confusion for the child and keeps you all on the same page. And never ever talk badly about the bio mom to the child or even within ear shot of the child. It's best to not even let them hear talk of any custody proceedings or child support issues. Hope that helped a little. Every situation is unique and there is no "right" answers to everything.

Christina - posted on 07/16/2011

It really depends on how often you have the stepchild in your home. And if you have other children living there.
For a stepchild who comes over every other weekend and there are no other children who live in the home full time, then the biological parent needs to do the disciplining. You can do whatever you need to with the child, but when the child acts out, it is best to let mom or dad step in.
Now if there are other children who live in your home full time, then you need to treat that child like you would your own. If your stepkid and biological kid are fighting, it's okay to discipline them both. Or if they are both caught doing something against the rules, discipline them both, but make sure the discipline is the same for both. It is NOT okay to treat your stepchild different than your own biological children.
In our case where we have my stepson 50/50, I do just as much parenting as my husband. He lives with us 50/50 so I am a mother figure completely to him. However, I make sure his biological mom knows I am not trying to take her place and never will. I assure her all the time that I love her son and feel blessed to have him in my life.
Your relationship with your stepchild is your own. No relationship is the same. All that matters is that all the adults in the picture are on the same page. You all have to work together and be good parents to that child.
And never tell your stepkid not to talk about the other biological parent in your home. If your stepkid wants to talk about mommy, then talk about mommy! Draw a pic for mommy. The kinder you are to the biomom, the more happy she will be about your budding relationship with her child.