Step-Mother's and Wedding Etiquette

Missy - posted on 04/30/2013

When my son was married his step mother walked down the aisle with his dad and they sat together. Shouldn't she be acknowledged? She is a part of the family. It was sort of cute/funny because she was waving to people as she came down the aisle like she was royalty. I'm glad she enjoyed the attention. Because I was a weeping fool. We all sat together (along with my spouse) in the same row without issue.

My son's father and I have a decent co-parenting relationship. We can come together to celebrate events in our childrens (we have 3 sons) lives and agree on parenting time and school issues. We sit together at sporting events and attend school conferences together. We go to each others homes for parties when it involves our children.

Step-mom is new to the family as they have only been married 2 years but, she fits in with us. She calls herself the "bonus mom." She has a lot more issues with her new mother n law than she will ever have with me. Heck, I'm easy! :)

Sue - posted on 04/12/2013

I think that it is being made into a bigger deal than it needs to be. The bride and groom should definitely be respectful of their parents' (and stepparents') wishes. And because it is the bride and groom's day, everyone should be respectful of their wishes, as well. Compromises need to be made. I suspect that there is more insecurity from the stepmom than is stated, and in a lot of responses as well. I did a lot of the same things for my stepdaughter that Yellow Rose and all of the other step moms did. And I assume we all did it without expecting a pat on the back or recognition. So unless there is an issue where the stepparents are expecting recognition for "a job well done", I would expect the bride and groom to be able to say what they feel comfortable with, and the stepparents agree with that decision. If not being able to sit with her husband is being looked on as "discrimination", then it sounds like there are bigger issues here than where she gets to sit in the church. In my case, I have no problem with my husband sitting with his ex during the ceremony. He sat with her during my stepdaughter's college graduation, as well, while I sat with my other stepdaughter in a viewing room off to the side because there weren't enough tickets. And it didn't rain fire because I didn't get to sit next to him. I am just honored that I have had the opportunity to be a part of my stepdaughter's life and I will get to watch her walk down the aisle and marry the man of her dreams. If I do that sitting behind my husband instead of beside him, so what? I will still hold the same place in my stepdaughter's heart that I always have. And that is all that really matters to me.

SL - posted on 04/12/2013

A wedding day belongs to a bride and groom, but it does not mean that they can be disrespectful. Unless B&G have a specific problem with stepparent, then they need to respect the stepparent's position and seat them with their spouse. If MOB is unhappy, she can make her own choices to stay or go. If she stays, she needs to be civil to all guests in attendance. Luckily, I get along with MOB, but I footed the bill for the festivities, not her and I got no recognition other than to sit with my spouse. The wedding day was fun and I had a great time with everybody.

Sue - posted on 04/12/2013

Wow. I have to say I am really surprised at the level of negativity in these comments. I found this post, because my stepdaughter is getting married in July, and I am seeking advice on how to be the best stepmom on the big day. I have known my stepdaughter since she was 6 years old, and although we haven't had the best relationship at times, I want her to have the best day possible, based on what SHE wants. If that means she is going to choose to have her parents sit together, I am a big girl and have no problem sitting by myself for less than an hour. After all, just because my husband is sitting next to his ex-wife as THEIR daughter gets married, I am certain he is coming home with me. No matter how much I have done to help raise her, they gave her life. They should share this special moment together, if that is what is decided. Her mother has never remarried, so there isn't an issue of what to do with her husband, and I think it shows a level of respect for my husband to sit with her while THEIR daughter gets married. Because as much as we may be step moms, it is the bride and groom's day, and they should decide what makes them most happy. Our role should be to honor their wishes to make this the happiest day of their lives, because it isn't about us.

Bebe - posted on 03/17/2013

but let it also remind you that Bio Mom wouldn't put these conditions on everyone with regards to how they address you or dropping your name from the wedding program if she wasn't jealous and insecure. I know it's cold comfort and I've been there and have all the scars but at times I shamelessly admit it gave me great pleasure to know I bothered her so much :) Bio Mom made an ass out of herself IMO as I'm sure all the guests knew that not seeing your name on the wedding program meant that Bio Mom has some major insecurities :)

Bebe - posted on 03/17/2013

Margaret Roe.. you belong where your husband is sitting. What is your adult step daughter's point of view? Out of respect for her Father, this should NOT be an issue. His wife is next to him, period. Whether or not the bio mom hates you is not the point. She needs to get herself together for her daughters sake. Unless of course you are having problems with a them vs you mentality. How is the relationship between you and your SD?
Even if it's good, she may have this learned behaviour from her Mom and any act of kindness or consideration towards you is perceived by Mom as a knife in her back. I was a step mom for 9 years and I can say with almost percise certainty that this is the Mother's issue and she does not have the intelligence to refrain from playing out her hatred on her daughter's wedding day. Your H in my opinon should take a stand and even if it's not to attend the wedding, you should not be treated poorly because the ex wife says so. To me, that's a triple hurt from Bio Mom, SD and your own husband. Only other thing I can suggest is if you decide to sit at another table, tell them to set a place next to you, for the father of the bride, your husband!

Bebe - posted on 03/17/2013

Personally, I think the article you read was totally written by a resentful ex wife who never found love after divorce.. I have always wondered how I'd deal with the 'wedding day' or more specifically, how I'd be treated. I never found out b/c I divorced the father of my 2 step daughters after 9 years of marriage & being a step mom. God bless you for loving and being a caring stepmom. I hope your love and devotion is respected, validated and rewarded, now and in the future. It's not always the case,
With regards to the wedding, maybe those rules of sitting a row or 2 back should be reserved for daddy's new girlfriend or cougar mom's latest conquest but surely, not for one who has a 'step mom or step dad' title. To me, good step parents are heros and their rightful place is next to the person they love (spouse) to share in the joy of seeing the child they have loved and invested time celebrate their wedding day.
I would think any stepchild who loved and respected their stepmom/dad wouldn't want them to take a 'step back', or back seat' Of course, I believe a child should have the right to take a photo with just the bio parents and that bio mom and bio dad certainly have the spot light with their child, but a good step parent naturally blends into that seemlessly and effortlessly.. A good step parent does not want to up stage anyone but does want to be a part of something they've put so much into.

As far as the dressing down. What? I mean no step mom with tact would wear a white flowing gown or a hoody that says "Mother of the Bride" but common' again the Author may have been expressing the point of view of a frumpy style challenged Mom.. My point is you can take a beauitful girl and put her in a paper bag and she'll look fabulous. Upstaging is in the eye of the beholder.
I truly feel it's all dependant upon who the ppl are and how they've related to eachother through the years of co parenting

Margaret - posted on 02/06/2013

I am in a terrible position as my stepdaughter is getting married and i have been told that i cannot sit at the top table at the reception that they will find a seat for me with some other people, the trouble is i don't know any of the guests and i am very shy. the brides mother hates me and i am afraid there might be trouble as my Husband wont stand for it. i did not break up the marrage as they ere divorced for 20 years before i met my Husband. I told my Husband i would not go to the wedding as i don't want to cause any trouble. please help.

Evelyn - posted on 12/09/2012

Coming from the mother of the bride, I got to hear about what the step mom though of the wedding after it was over. She complained to my son that her boys should have been in the wedding and it was not fair that they did not get to be. She forgot that her daughters with my ex husband were the flower girls and her youngest boy who is a step brother got to be the ring bearer. She complained about the place she got to sit. During the practice for the wedding, the preacher set the tone for where people sat. THat was not something I did or the bride or groom did. And at the wedding my ex did sit with her those couple rows behind me. When it came to helping with the wedding, neither she or my ex offered any help that I was made aware of and I was even asked by the groom's family if he offered anything. I helped out with making food, watching my daughter choose her dress, making the flowers for the wedding party and the corsages and boutiners, I also help to set things up for the wedding and cleaned up after it was over. She did not offer to help with clean up and instead they hurried out because of some excuse about the kids needing naps at 6 pm at night.



Its a bit unusual for the groom's family to set up the wedding but that is what happened in this case. It was nice for a wedding that had to come together in a month.



People need to remember this is not about them but the bride and groom. Where people sit and their place in the wedding has a lot to do with the relationships of people involved. So what if the step mom sits a couple rows back, and the step dad sits up front....you are not there to show off what place you have in the bride's eyes...you are there for her big day!

Mellisa - posted on 12/04/2012

My dad and step mom sat right up front, right next to my mom and step dad......it was great lol

Jacque - posted on 12/04/2012

I just attended my step-daughters wedding. Her father and I have been together for 6 and 1/2 years. We are not married, because we don't want to marry again, The mother has remarried and has been married for 6 1/6 years. The mother and her husband's name was on the programs as parents, but only my partner's name was on the program as a parent and not mine. (He paid for the entire wedding). When it came time to walk down the aisle, I had to walk down the aisle before anyone else, not as the same time as the mother and her husband. On the plus side I was included in the family picture, much to the mother's disgust. While I am not married to the father of the bride, we consider ourself in a committed, life time relationship. It hurts when I am treated as the "girlfriend" even after 6 years. It also hurts when the grandchildren are told to call me by my first name because I am not their grandmother but their mother's husband is called grandpa. I just grin and bear it and act like nothing is wrong, but I do let it hurt me.

Cristina - posted on 11/20/2012

I LOVE the last post. I am going to use her as a source of advice from now on!

SL - posted on 11/20/2012

Julianne - I feel your pain. You can't do anything about the wedding invitation, as deplorable adn insulting as it is. Attend the wedding as guests. I doublt if your husband will have a front-row seat reserved, but if so, sit with him. If that is not possible your husband needs to sit where you sit, under these circumstances.

Both you and teh father of the groom are being treated with terrible disrespect. Send a lovely card. Forget the gift. You two have already done that. OR BETTER YET - make the gift something engraved or personalized that includes your names. It would be great if you have something from your wedding to his dad that is engraved that you can pass on and add the bride & groom's name to. Wedding goblets? Cake knives?

There will probably be friends at the wedding to hang out with and have fun.

Cristina - posted on 11/20/2012

Your husband sitting next to his ex wife???? That is ludicrous! Are they gonna hold hands now too? Then you you can bring a date! haha Whatever, ridiculous. I think mom should sit in one section and dad in another, by their spouses. OMG who comes up with this cr@p? Miss Manner has Missed the boat here-it's 2012, not 1800 and people are mostly from blended families. Was Miss Manners from a blended family? The she can just sit in the back row herself-pun intended...

Angela - posted on 11/12/2012

Wow. You have some heavy praying and strategic planning to do. You will be the ones the grandkids love. Just you wait and see.

A

Julianne - posted on 11/11/2012

I too am a stepmom who has tried to do the right things by my husbands son but I ALWAYS get the shaft.I have been married to his dad for the last five years and in his life for the last nine. His mother abandoned he and his father and ran off to live with the man (who also left his wife) she was having an affair with for a couple of years before she gotcaught by the man's wife.(they were next door neighbors. The ex never paid for anything for this child and never did anything for him except to encourage him to always make decisions that would hurt or piss his father off. I have been demonized mto his son even though I had nothing to do with their split. After they divorced and he was dating me, she deceided that she wanted him back and is forever furious that he didn't take her back. Now, the son is getting married, and made wedding plans and never told us. We found out when (knowing he was engaged, but that's another story)we asked if they had any idea of when they might marry. To our surprise he told us of the date and when I asked who was paying for it, he replied his fiance was paying for most of it and when asked who was paying for the rehersal dinner and bar tab he replied my Mom. I told him that that was probably good because we just finished paying off four years of college for him to the tune of almost $100,000.00 and we were done paying for anything else as we still hold a mortgage and both of us drive old cars that will have to be replaced soon. We received their wedding invitation and it read: Mr. and Mrs. W...... and B.... Y.... and Dr. J..... L........ and Mrs. B.... L........ ivite you to share a day of hapy beginnings with the marriage of their children , and so on. Well, my husband was pretty mad and I was furious Mrs.B.... L........ is the ex wife and she has never remarried. When we questioned his son he said that they deceided to only inclued his birth parents. And he made reference to the fact that his mom was footing the bill and not us. We had to remind him that we paid for all sports (very exspensive , as well as money for tutors and boards etc.) in order to give him the credentials to get into med school, which he has. Of coarse the girlfriend had to immediately get engaged and shortly thereafter married. Mom had written into the divorce decree that she was to have no financial responsibililty for her child what so ever. Beleive me, she held to it. She is also well off financially. They barely have included his father and I am only being invited because they are stuck with me. His fiance and her mother have become friends with the ex, which is what she always does to irritate us and make herself look good and us bad. What should be a happy occasion is now dreaded because we don't know what else they will try to pull. I will tell you this , there will be no pew separation between his father and me or I will walk out. We have let it be known that we want no contact with his mother at the wedding if nothing else but not to give the fasad that his parents are still a couple. By the way, his son has lived with us all these years because he didn't want to live with his mother and the man who helped break up his parents marriage. Any feedback? I don't know how to get past this one, and I have had to get past many.

Angela - posted on 10/08/2012

I am with you on this one. Your reply seems to have been mine too.

Angela - posted on 10/08/2012

Kids will always love their parents no matter what the parents have done. I get this. But I have been a Momma to my kids like I have been to my birth kids. I have sacrificed MUCH to show that I love them. Not because of that, but because I do love them. A Momma loves up on her kids and protects them. I didn't birth them but they are mine. I feel like I should sit with dad.

Angela - posted on 10/08/2012

I read the same article. I was not well after that one! I mean, I have nursed them,disciplined them, guided them and talked to them about boys and girls and the birds and the bees. I have love up on them and cried for and about them as well as yelled to the top of my lungs at high school and college graduation " That's My baby!" I have been with my kids since they were 5 and 9 years old. They are now 18 and 22. I was appaulled when I read what I was supposed to do and not do. I tried to sit back, but, WE are footing 80 percent of the wedding. I bought her dress without question because she wanted it. No one was having her a Bridal Shower... but some were all set to go have fun at a girl party that was not focused... really, on her. My husband and I have grown together. We are a family. I cannot do it. I cannot sit back... again and let the birth Mom take another bow after I have taken care of her child. I will need to pray a bit more about this. I feel like I should sit with my husband.

Denise - posted on 09/25/2012

oh hell no, i would never sit away from my husband.

SL - posted on 04/25/2012

I saw that article and a few others like it. What incredible idiots. Some fool named Gary Willmot wrote a big article about it and he can kiss my stepmotherly fanny. I get along fine with my husbands ex but no way one earth will I take a BACKSEAT - I've been a part of the bride's life for 17 of her 25 years. I will happily share whatever the cost & work that needs to be done, but I will not be insulted. I'm sure we can find a place for me to sit on the same row as her mother and the guy she married.

Aimee - posted on 04/24/2012

Auuhhggg!!! I read this, too! There is so little about our roles - and then you get this! I think the bottom line is what does the bride want? Other than that - there are some 'rules' that change with who is paying for the wedding.
I have been involved in every step of my (step) daughters wedding planning thus far, and have had an absolute blast! I was the one co-hosting her engagement party (Mom was a no-show). I'm on the phone/text/etc over bridesmaid dresses, her dress - shopped together via phone messaging, and all kinds of fun stuff. I'll be there in August to help make things for the October wedding. FUN! We're talking about a BBQ for out-of-town guest and a brunch after the wedding. I finally asked - awkwardly - uh, does your mother want to host one, I don't want to step on toes?
She replied her mom wouldn't be renting a house, so wanted to have both at our place. her mom would help in other ways. Fine by me! Again - I get all the fun. My husband has asked if I'm going to be OK when mom shows up and is THE MOTHER OF THE BRIDE! Which, I'm expecting. After much thought - you bet. Show up large and in charge - everyone who counts will know it's a farce. Besides, I'm the one who got to have all the fun. I'd stand at the back of the church if it made my daughter's day easier. As others have said it is all about her.
I'm just thrilled to have been a part of this special day with her.

Dusty - posted on 12/24/2011

I agree, this is a bunch of bullcrap. I have a daughter who I am a step mother to. And although it will be a VERY long time until she gets married (she is only 4 now) I would never expect to not be actively involved in the wedding just because her biological mother wanted me to "step back". BUT I also think it depends on whether or not the biological mother is actually there for their child. In my case, my daughter's mother is hardly ever there for her, & has also put her in dangerous situations which have involved drugs. Which is why when it comes time for my daughgter to marry, unless she asks me to step back, I will not. I love her very much & I want to be there for her for all of her milestones, including her wedding.

Donna - posted on 10/18/2011

I read this and was like what age are you from? That being asked. I am a step-mother, my "step"daughter came to me & asked me to help her with her wedding. I asked her, "What about your Mother, I don't want to step on any toes"? She wanted me & her mother already knew this. Her mother lives in Massachussetess & my daughter lives in PA, we live in NJ. The wedding was in NJ.
I planned my daughter's wedding. I say daughter because we don't use step. They call me by my first name and say this is my step mother or this is my mother. I introduce them as my children. Which they are fine with. When I planned our daughter's wedding. I included her mother in everything. She was walked up the aisle by our one son & I walked up the aisle with our other son. I came in before the bride. I was given the role of the "Mother of the Bride" by our daughter.
We sat in the front row-it was her mother, me & then my husband(her ex). When we walked in & were introduced she didn't have anyone to walk in with to the reception so I suggested to her that we walk in together. It was me, my husband(her ex) & then her. We were introduced as her parents, Donna, Dave & Lynne. Everyone was family & friends and knew the situation. We sat at the same table-the bride's family table.
When I got married-I have a step-mother as well, my step-mother was not part of my wedding because are not close, she always considered me "Mike's daughter', not my step-daughter or anything else but Mike's daughter.
I think it depends on the bride what the step-mother's role in the wedding should be. I also want to point out that when I met my husband the kids were 7,5, & 2. So it also matters how long you are a step mother.
Needless to say at our daughter's wedding, her mother & I who don't talk unless it has something to do with the kids, actually talked during the bridal shower (which I gave her), the rehearsal dinner(which I did), and her wedding. We even looked at each other as we were crying & she said thank you to me & how we did a good job in raising her.
Our daughter picked out my gown-she said I was the MOB-Mother of the bride. I got the glass that says so, LOL. we got one for her Mom as well. She did get me a sweatshirt that I still have that says on the front Mother of the Bride, & on the back it says, Mrs. Braemer. That was my gift. Many people may not agree with what we did but it worked out for the best & her Mom said that she couldn't be there or give her what she wanted & she was glad & touched that I love her daughter enough to step up & be there for her & give her what she wanted.
I agree with what you say that I in no way shape or form ever, ever would or will take the place of their mother. I know my place, I did what our daughter wanted me to do. Isn't that what's important. What makes them happy?

Sarah - posted on 09/21/2011

I have a step-mom and although there are times we don't get along, I do not think that this is right. I have called her mom since I was 12 years old, I was in the room when she gave birth to my baby brother, and she was the only mom I ever knew from the time I was 11 until I was 19. I think this is just crap. We don't even use the word step-mom or half brother or step-brother. They are my brothers, my sister, my dad, my mom, and my mom. I don't call my step-dad dad or even step-dad. I call him David because I never grew up with him, he was never a father figure to me. I don't know where your read this story but the person who wrote it probably does not have step-parents or has never been divorced. When my son gets married there is no way in hell that I will sit with my ex-husband with my husband sitting a few rows back. I do not get along with my ex at all, like you said, we talk about our son and that's it. I will be sitting next to my husband on my son's big day and if my ex is remarried, I would have no problem with his wife sitting with us as well. IMO it will not be an option, this is how it will be, if this is what my son wants and I am pretty sure he will be more than happy with it. My husband has been in my son's life since he was 21 months old and in a lot of ways has been more of a father to him than his own dad. I am sure he will want him there and not sitting a few rows back. He is 9 and I am pretty sure I don't have to deal with this for a while (thank goodness) but I am pretty sure that this is how it will go down.

Sylvia - posted on 05/17/2011

What wedding etiquette site was that?! Sounds like complete rubbish to me. Of course it's the parents' duty to behave nicely and do their best to get along when their child is getting married, but what purpose is served by, basically, pretending that the parents' divorce never happened and their new spouses don't exist?!

People do have the weirdest ideas about stepparents, though. My parents (mom's first marriage, dad's third) split up when I was 10. Both were remarried by the time DH and I got married 13 years later. My mom and stepdad helped us plan and pay for the wedding and were nothing but supportive. My dad, OTOH, didn't even let me know whether or not he was coming to the wedding until I phoned to prod him about it 2 weeks beforehand, and then hemmed and hawed and still wasn't sure. He wouldn't bring my stepmother; he said it "wouldn't be appropriate" for her to attend. I wasn't all that broken up about this, TBH, because my stepmother and I have never been buddies, but the truth was, he was telling us one thing and telling her another thing altogether (to wit, that we and/or my mom didn't want her there). My theory now, with almost 15 years' hindsight, is that this was just another round in the game of "keep the wives and ex-wives apart by any means necessary so they can't trade war stories" :P Anyway, I was damned if I was going to un-invite my awesome, extremely supportive stepdad just because of my dad's emotional issues. We sat them all in the front row, end of story. Nobody walked either of us down the aisle -- DH's parents couldn't walk well, and it seemed unfair to have one set of parents walk when the other set couldn't.

I think these kinds of decisions should be based on relationships, not biology. Why should a bio parent who hasn't really been part of a child's life get to waltz in and displace a stepparent who's been there for them all along?

Ashley - posted on 05/17/2011

I think there nuts and completely agree with you and as a step daughter i would never expect this at my wedding and i hate my step father so believe me that this is wrong on so many levels.

Brandy - posted on 05/15/2011

Times have changed and with that so should etiquette. I dont think you are over reacting. If you are good enough to clean up the vomit and kiss the owies, you should be able to sit next to your husband and her husband should sit next to her. Whoever gave this advice must have been living in the 1910s when the step mom was the dirty mistress!

Liz - posted on 05/14/2011

MissManners@unitedmedia.com

Laura - posted on 05/14/2011

when My husband and I were getting married we didn't follow any rules of wedding etiquette. We made compromises to accomodate all the guests the way we saw fit. I think when it comes to special circumstances people will do what they think is best. If your step children love you as a mother then i'm sure when it comes to their wedding they will ignore etiquette and seat you with your husband and the mother with hers. I know my mother in law and my father in law were absolutely no where near each other for our wedding.

Yellow - posted on 05/14/2011

Thank you Christina! That is exactly what I feel too. Not to be a b**** but I feel that sometimes they would be better off living with their father and I. As I said before, when my daughter was having serious breathing problems and we took her to the ER, even after we notified her mother of it, did she ever call to check up on her child?? Nope... not anything... and I would be very hurt if my stepson requested me sit elsewhere then right there with his father, as a parent. Because that is what I came into the marriage as, loving him unconditionally.

Christina - posted on 05/14/2011

F that! I fully plan on sitting in the FRONT row with my husband when my step-son gets married. He is my son too. I have helped raise him. I love him. I take care of him. I am just as much his mother as if someone adopted a child. He just has two moms now instead of one.
I would also be pissed as hell if my son didn't allow his step-mom to participate fully in his wedding. I will expect my son to have all of his parents together (all four of us).

Yellow - posted on 05/14/2011

Thank you Liz? where do I find her?

Liz - posted on 05/14/2011

I'm a huge fan of Miss Manners and have been reading her for over 10 years. I have most of her books. I have never read anything from her about step-parents sitting back, and divorced people sitting together.

Sounds like absolute rubbish.

You could email Miss Manners and ask her. Maybe she will print and answer your question in her column.