Step-Mother's and Wedding Etiquette

Yellow - posted on 05/14/2011 ( 70 moms have responded )

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I was reading a few articles online the other day about what proper wedding etiquette a stepmother should follow, if there is any. In both of the articles I read, they mentioned that the step-mother should out of consideration take a step back, as she is not a biological parent to either the bride or groom. I also read that the stepmother should sit a few rows back from her husband while he and his ex wife sit together! I am sorry but I feel that is just a total sign of disrespect to the step-mother. I feel this way because whenever my husband and I have the kids, I treat them like they were my own and love them, I do not call myself "step-mom" and neither do they. One of the things I read that offsets the fairness I suppose, is that it even said if the ex-wife were to remarry, then her new husband would also not be able to sit next to her, and he too would have to sit a few rows back. My husband and his ex do not get along and they speak when spoken to regarding the children, other than that, conversation is very minimal. When we are around the children, her and I can carry on a civil conversation...

I don't know, I just would not feel right about having to sit separated from my husband while he and his ex wife sat together. IMO, we have all been there for the children and loved them, I feel like I should have a right to sit with my husband. When his children were here, their mother would send them sick and without any medicine. I was the one up all night checking fever, giving breathing treatments, taking them to the ER, cleaning up vomit... It was me, I took on that role, because I love them. Their mother was notified that her daughters breathing got so bad we had to take her to the ER, did her mother call and check up? No. She never called once to see how her own daughter was doing, they were here 2 weeks!

Maybe I am overreacting, but just because we are not blood related does not give anyone the right to discriminate and tell me that because I didn't carry the child, I have no rights to be a part of their special day... I would never try and take their mothers place, and that is not my goal. The article even said crap about "It is the brides and mother of the brides day to shine, the stepmother should dress down like any other guest and not try to outshine the Mother of the Bride, because it is her day"...

I would really like some feedback about what ya'll think about this thing people are calling "etiquette".

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Patti - posted on 06/23/2013

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All this so-called etiquette about the step-mom sitting rows behind the biological parents is crap. I will sit with my husband. Period. If I had believed what everyone told me about being a step parent I would have run - not walked - but run away. It has been the most challenging thing I have done in my entire life. My only hope was that once they become adults, it will get easier.... and now I read all this crap about "taking a back seat" and sitting in rows behind the mother. Who makes this crap up anyway?

Sue - posted on 04/12/2013

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Wow. I have to say I am really surprised at the level of negativity in these comments. I found this post, because my stepdaughter is getting married in July, and I am seeking advice on how to be the best stepmom on the big day. I have known my stepdaughter since she was 6 years old, and although we haven't had the best relationship at times, I want her to have the best day possible, based on what SHE wants. If that means she is going to choose to have her parents sit together, I am a big girl and have no problem sitting by myself for less than an hour. After all, just because my husband is sitting next to his ex-wife as THEIR daughter gets married, I am certain he is coming home with me. No matter how much I have done to help raise her, they gave her life. They should share this special moment together, if that is what is decided. Her mother has never remarried, so there isn't an issue of what to do with her husband, and I think it shows a level of respect for my husband to sit with her while THEIR daughter gets married. Because as much as we may be step moms, it is the bride and groom's day, and they should decide what makes them most happy. Our role should be to honor their wishes to make this the happiest day of their lives, because it isn't about us.

Nikki - posted on 10/12/2013

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Of course a step-mum is not "mother-of-the-bride/groom". However, the step-mum is often a significant part of the bride/groom's life and should be able to sit at the front with the father, mother and step-dad (if there is one).

If she is not a significant figure to the family or perhaps was abusive, then she should not be at the wedding.

A step-mother has sacrificed so much and has taken on so many challenges and has always been there for her partner and children when she could've taken the easier option and find a partner with no children. The least she should get is a front row seat next to her husband.

Being a step-mum can sometimes make you feel excluded and humiliated. She needn't feel anymore that way by being shoved in the back seat.

Angelina - posted on 04/04/2014

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I am getting married in 2 weeks and my folks are together and have always been together. But my fiance's folks are not together (never been married) and his dad got married when he was young...he has grown up with birth mom and step mom but is much closer to birth mom.

I originally googled gifts for groom's step mom because I have never met her and I don't know what is appropriate and expected. Anyway, I come across this post...and man oh man are these comments super judgmental! Goodness lol

First of all, as a bride, I don't want to celebrate MARRIAGE by requiring married people to not be with their spouse. Who does that??? Forget the step parents being insecure, PERHAPS the bride and groom requesting this need to be evaluated for their selfish behavior. Marriage is covenant with God - let NO man separate those who make that commitment, regardless of history. Those two are supposed to cleave to one another...give no room for the enemy to plant silly thoughts....and trust me, even secure people can having silly thoughts go through their head. Not to mention - who knows the baggage from that previous relationship...weddings are supposed to be fun and joyous, not painful or inconvenient. Everyone should attempt to get along the best the can but this is pushing it to the extreme.

To the original poster - I feel simply bad that this is even what brides/grooms request of their step parents. I really hope and pray they don't make you and your husband separate. This is REAL life - if you want a fairy tale, you are sadly in the wrong world. No bride or groom ought to act like this, now that's POOR etiquette. "Mom and dad aren't married but I need them to sit together at the wedding so everything will be perfect" *barf* have some grace for your parents (ALL your parents) because they probably love the crap out of you and to make them follow these rules is ridiculous.

Sue - posted on 04/12/2013

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I think that it is being made into a bigger deal than it needs to be. The bride and groom should definitely be respectful of their parents' (and stepparents') wishes. And because it is the bride and groom's day, everyone should be respectful of their wishes, as well. Compromises need to be made. I suspect that there is more insecurity from the stepmom than is stated, and in a lot of responses as well. I did a lot of the same things for my stepdaughter that Yellow Rose and all of the other step moms did. And I assume we all did it without expecting a pat on the back or recognition. So unless there is an issue where the stepparents are expecting recognition for "a job well done", I would expect the bride and groom to be able to say what they feel comfortable with, and the stepparents agree with that decision. If not being able to sit with her husband is being looked on as "discrimination", then it sounds like there are bigger issues here than where she gets to sit in the church. In my case, I have no problem with my husband sitting with his ex during the ceremony. He sat with her during my stepdaughter's college graduation, as well, while I sat with my other stepdaughter in a viewing room off to the side because there weren't enough tickets. And it didn't rain fire because I didn't get to sit next to him. I am just honored that I have had the opportunity to be a part of my stepdaughter's life and I will get to watch her walk down the aisle and marry the man of her dreams. If I do that sitting behind my husband instead of beside him, so what? I will still hold the same place in my stepdaughter's heart that I always have. And that is all that really matters to me.

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Evelyn - posted 5 days ago

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What do you do when the step parent has not been around that long? Just a few years for example when your child who is getting married was a teenager? Its like the step parent expects to be in the middle of it all. At least in the case I am speaking of. The young woman of this family was getting married and her step mother was not happy that her two younger boys at the time were not getting parts in the wedding party. SHe and dad had two girls together the bride used as her flower girls, the youngest step brother became ring bearer after the groom's nephew could not attend, and the bride's brother was an usher for the wedding (he and sis are very close), The step mom complained about where she sat a few rows back because of the mistake in seating. All after the groom's family had not been offered help by the father of the bride for anything. The mother chipped in her time and talents with things for the wedding, went along to see what her daughter chose for the dress, did her daughter's hair and makeup for the wedding, and helped with other needed things. What is to be said for that? It behooves me that step parents that have not been around long and do not know the kids well have such high expectations to be part of big things like this. Yes, they are part of the family, but they should stop and think that this is the bride's day not theirs. That they should take the seat they are given, the place they are alloted, or what have you by the bride and groom. The same with everyone else. Its different if a step parent has been there since the child was small or young. I can see them wanting to have a big part in that day too.

Sharon - posted on 07/15/2014

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My step-daughter's wedding is July 24, 2014 and I am dreading it. I do not want to go but I am basically being made to go by my husband. I have been married for 8 years. We met later in life after his daughter was already an adult. She is now 28 years old. We do not get along. Her mother died this year, so, it is not a matter of who is going to sit next to him. When my husband and I got married we were married in his parents house with just family and closest friends. At our reception, my step-daughter played her LVN graduation DVD. We spent our 'honeymoon' with her bugging my husband to go play tennis and to keep her entertained. I still haven't gotten over it. Many other incidences like this have happened over the years of her being very inconsiderate towards me, and I feel it would just be best if I didn't go. Thanks for letting me vent.

JONNIE - posted on 06/25/2014

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My son (stepson) is 36 years old. He has been "my son" since he was two. His biological mother was not interested in having a son until a few years ago when she found herself alone for the first time in her life. I have done everything within my power to bring about a relationship between my son and his biological mother from day one. I felt it was my responsibility to both of them. My son is getting married and yes, I am wondering how it is all going to work. He has asked his father, whom he adores, to be his best man.

He would never ask me to take a step back, so my suggestion was that both mothers walk down the isle together. I have also let it be known that I am more than happy to do anything to make their day a happy one, including sitting in the back of the church (although truth be known it would be painful.) But I would do it in a heartbeat if it would make him happy. It's all about the bride and groom!!!

Marian - posted on 06/24/2014

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For me I do not think it is right that I have to sit a few rows back. It is disrespectful in my opinion and my husband agrees. My step-daughter is 5 and I have known her since she was 3 years old. I give baths to this child, dry her off, dress her up, brush her hair and actually do up her hair nice and pretty (the ex's family only started to do her hair when I started doing it), buy clothes and toys for her, I play with her, cook food for her because she is a picky eater, do her laundry (wash and fold), clean up after her, clean her room, all that shiz just like a real mother and I have to sit a few rows back? Excuse me, I might as well not come to the wedding.

I am grown up enough and responsible enough to know that my step-daughter will always need her mother and I am in no need to compete with that person.
I know very well that the most I will be for this child is a "friend" but as of this moment, I love her. We have a great relationship to the point she wanted to call me mummy. It was her choice.

In my opinion, if you helped raised the child there is no need for you to sit "a few rows back". My husband has stated many times, his life has become much, much easier now that I am in his and his daughters life and that I am a great inspiration and influence on her.

Lorna - posted on 06/24/2014

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Hello Ladies,
I have just returned from my step daughter's lovely wedding. I am sitting her reading step mom thoughts on etiquette while crying my eyes out. I allowed my feelings to be hurt by forgetting who I am. Who I am is the step mother.

My step daughter came into my life at age eight, she is 28, has a PHD.,lovely and has the most wonderful husband who has the most wonderful wife. She has always been my shinning star.

Her father, my husband, and I raised her and her brother. My daughter I had when I was a teenager, I raised alone and she was grown when I met My Husband. My husband and ex wife had 50/50 custody of the children and the mother lived five miles away and didn't work. The mother chose to spend her time somewhere else. I forgot who I was because for many years I did mothering gladly. In the past few years the mother has become ill and my step daughter has been concerned. My step daughter doesn't live in the same state as my husband and I, and her Mother does, so my step daughter called and asked if I would take her mother shopping for a dress and shoes for the wedding when I went to look for my dress. I said I was going to sew my dress and that I had work with deadlines, but that I could find time in April to take her mother. She said that would be fine. It was January at the time. A few days latter she called and asked if I would help her mother figure out how to get a traveling oxygen machine I said yes. Latter a more detailed request was made in regards to her mother. I asked my step daughter if she had anyone available to see to her mother when her mother arrived. She said yes, one of her attendants and her future in laws. I clearly stated I did not want to be responsible for her mother as I would have my hands full with my 93 year old mom-in-law, my step daughter's grandmother. I bought a beautiful dress her mother picked out, a dress for the rehearsal dinner, and all the trimmings. My husband, mom-in-law, and I arrived earlier but there was a coolness from my step daughter I had never felt before. When her mother arrived I felt under attack. My step daughter was very disrespectful to me. I felt I tried to go with the flow and account it to pre- wedding stress.

My step daughter had scheduled a time for me to have my make up even though I had not requested it and insisted that I go. The make up was being done in her mother's hotel room. When I was finished she said she was going to ride in the car with her dad, grandmother, and I, so to make sure they were ready and to have him call before leaving the hotel room, which I did. All the wedding party was out in front of the hotel at the same time. I told my step daughter to set up front with her father and helped my mom-in-law get in and then I went to get in and shut the door and my step daughter yelled loudly at me "My Mom is riding with me." I had no idea she was riding with us, if I had I would have never offered the front seat. I am a large woman, I have size 12 feet, I have severe restless leg syndrome, the bump in the middle of the back seat floor does not work for me, I am not able to get my legs in a position where they will not painfully cramp, and shake in a manner I can not bare. So I told my step daughter I would need the front seat, we exchanged seats, my step daughter was angry I could see it in her eyes and I was irritated for not knowing her mother was going to be riding with us, had I known her mother was riding with us I would have never offered the front seat. We have not exchanged words since then. I was not acknowledged at the wedding. I sat when the guest set. I did sit with my husband and family on the front row. At the reception my step daughter came over to our table and would not even look at me.

Over the years I always wanted to be fair. There were times I rescheduled trips to visit my own daughter in order to be there for my step daughter, I never thought I did it for any reason other than to be fair to all my children, however now I know I did it because I forgot who I was and for a few fast moving years I thought I was the Mom. Now I remember I'm just the Step Mom. Step Mothers just because you are kind, loving, and helpful, it does not always reap the same feeling from the step children as someone above said they didn't ask for their parents to divorce.

Above there was a great deal of thought about insecurities step mothers have. I can understand. I never felt as insecure as I did this past week. I feel like something has changed between my step daughter and I down deep inside of me. I feel like a step mother for the first time in twenty years. "Cinderella" gave such a bad connotation to the image of step mother.I didn't deserve what was sent my way in the form of disrespect I received from my step daughter. I felt she was being mean to me in front of her mother to prove to her mother she loved her. And as I ramble I really don't understand what happened. But it feels different for me and not in a good way.
Thank you for listening.

Carole - posted on 06/23/2014

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Here is the thing, stepmothers and stepdaughters: If your stepmother really loves you, then she'll know it's about YOUR day and she'll do what you ask her to do. But if she really loves you and you put her in the second row, leave her out completely of the planning, etc., it will break her heart. HOWEVER, stepmothering is about breaking your own heart on purpose because these girls will NEVER be your daughters if you do it right and help them create a meaningful relationship with their biological mothers. The happiest, healthiest girls have happy, healthy relationships with their mothers. Period. And if you love your stepdaughter, you'll let her plan this wedding with her mother, work hard to make sure her father is involved to the degree he can/wishes to be, and be happy that you did the absolute best thing for your daughter that you possibly could have done.
I'm watching my girls (who are my stepdaughters) get ready for dances and grow up doing things I would LOVE to be doing with them with their mother who loves them instead of me and I wish I could do these things with them. Unfortunately for me, it's best for them to do them with their mother. Fortunately for them, they have a mother to do them with. I may not like her, but she's their mother and they'll be better, happier, healthier women because she is in their life in the role that she is traditionally meant to play.

Emily - posted on 06/18/2014

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I have a stepmother of 20+ years. She married my dad when I was a preteen, but really had no part in raising me, and is always claiming to be a "parent" which is very insulting to my mom who struggled a lot as a single mom. My stepmother spent years badmouthing my mother, refused to even meet my mother for over 10 years. We've gotten past the really bad stuff, and I've done a good acting job of pretending to like her. I can be friendly towards her, but truthfully she is not someone I like. I will never think of her as a parent, but that doesn't mean I can't treat her as family. There's a difference between honoring your parents on your wedding day and including a stepparent as family. Many times stepparents feel they must be treated as equal to the bioparents. Well if your stepchild isn't that close to you, it puts them in an uncomfortable situation. Being treated as family is the best compromise. A stepmom doesn't have to have all the same honors as the Mother of the Bride in order to be treated as family. Think of how aunts and grandparents are treated at weddings and treat the stepparent the same.

Having said that its still all about manners. You don't have to treat the stepmom as a mother in order to be polite. Include the stepmom in some photos, not all. Not everyone will be in every shot. Do some shots that include Dad & Stepmom, some that include Mom & Dad with the bride (thats no disrespect to the stepmom, Mom & Dad are after all your parents), do a photo with Bride & Groom and all biological and all stepparents. That way everyone feels included. Different photo combinations with all different relatives and hopefully nobody will feel slighted.

Stepmoms should most certainly sit with their husbands, and its ideal on the front row. Only exception I could see is if Mom is remarried and she's got a lot of kids from that marriage that would take up an entire row. And then Dad & Stepmom and their family sit on the second row. But its ideal if Mom, Stepdad, Dad, and Stepmom can all sit on the front row together.

Invitations. To me it doesn't matter who is paying. Its about who you feel close to. If you don't feel close to a stepparent even after 10, 20 years don't include them on an invitation. But do seperate lines for your parents. Mom on the first line, Dad on second line so there is the indication that they aren't a married couple. Or just omit names and do "Together with our parents" if you don't want to include a stepparent but know there will be drama if you don't include them.

Corsages/Bouts. I do believe all parents/stepparents should get a corsage/bout even if you dislike the stepparent. It shows respect to your biodad by giving his wife a corsage even if you don't like her. But the corsage doesn't have to be the same as the Mothers. For instance if you are doing roses, you could give 2 rose corsage to the moms, and a 1 rose corsage to the stepmoms. Or if you have different flowers in your bouquet (say roses and daisies) give Moms the rose corsages and give stepmoms the daisy corsages. Florists do similiar for grandmothers as grandmothers many times get the less elaborate corsages as the mothers do.

Escorting: A stepmother doesn't have to be part of the precessional when the music is played. But have her escorted by an usher before the music is played. She won't feel like she's just a guest, but at the same time the Mothers of the bride/groom get the honor of being escorted when the ceremony begins. However if its a very casual wedding I could see where you might not escort the stepmom.

Reception: If possible have all parents/stepparents sitting at the same table. If they can't be civil, have seperate tables for Mom and her family, Dad and his family, but have the tables up front so neither feels slighted. Again its ideal if all parents/stepparents can set aside their differences for a few hours and sit at the same table together.

Attendants: Bridesmaids/groomsmen are all up to the bride and groom. Just cause someone is a sister, brother, half sibling, stepsibling does not guarantee a part in the wedding. If you aren't close to a certain sibling, why put them in the wedding just cause they are "family". I say you have to really take a look at the relationship you have siblings and decide for yourself. Even in nuclear families siblings aren't a guarantee as attendants. My mom and her sister (full blood siblings) don't have any kind of relationship, and neither were in eachother's weddings. There was no relationship there so it would have just been all for show to have eachother as bridesmaids.

Guests: If you are having a larger wedding and inviting friends, extended family, distant relatives, it would be polite to invite some of stepmom's extended family (siblings, her parents) as well. It would make Stepmom feel good to have some of her relatives there, and if you don't get along with her would add some people to keep her occupied. If you are trying to have a limited # of people and want something more intimiate its fine to say no to that, as long as you're the one paying.

Jules0247 - posted on 05/11/2014

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It's kind of a catch 22. Being a Mother to a future Groom I see no reason why my son's step mom can't sit with his Dad. I would appreciate it, though, if she step back from some of the other events ie... showers (attend but don't upstage the real Mom) things of that nature. I have experienced much hurt by my ex's wife as she swoops in and tries to turn my Son's future brides against me like it has to be one or the other. So I do recommend some respect be given during this time but, of course, do sit with your husband. Just don't create tension between yourself and the Biological Parent. It's not like they are coming to your child's big day and hurting you that way. Just respects some boundaries and everyone should have a great time.

Ashley - posted on 04/07/2014

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When my brother got married, my stepmom sat in the front row with my mom and my dad. They had all of the brides siblings and husbands siblings in the wedding whether they were blood, half or step, it didnt matter, we all had our part. That is what family does. Me and my mom lived 4 states away so my stepmom got to help with the planning more than my mom did but she still involved my mom and even saved a few things for my mom to do when we got there a few days before the wedding. My mom and my dad also pitched in on paying for things. My mom and my stepmom, along with the brides mom were all there when we had the final dress fittings and all were happy with it and even went to lunch after. My mom and stepmom even went together by themselves to get some things and we were all there to set up and decorate and they both also helped us all get dressed. They got pictures with the whole family, some with just my brother his wife my dad and stepmom amd some with my mom in them with all of them, also with them and just my mom and some with them and my mom and dad without my stepmom. Thays because it wasnt about them and my mom and dad are exes for a reason but they still love all their kids just the same, and my stepmom is very secure in her marriage to my dad and knew he was going home with her when it was over so it did not bother her. Me and my mom were not able to be there for the bachelorette party, so the night before the wedding, my dad and stepmom agreed to keep my kids since they are not partiers and are in bed by 9 every nght, and me, my mom, my brothers and the wife and my other sister in law and some of the wedding party went out to a bar to celebrate. It was an awesome time, a great wedding. It was beautiful and everyone was happy. My mom my dad and my stepmom cried together and shared stories about us kids growing up and all thanked each other for the part they all played in all of our lives. My mom and stepmom even hugged at one point. My mom knows my stepmom loves us and was good to us and never wanted to take her place. Yes, she overstepped her boundaries at times in all them years, but it was never anything that hurt us kids physically or emotionally or left any of us hurt or scarred so they were always able to work it out and move forward in co-parenting us kids the best they could. And when my mom and dad and stepmom had problems with each other, they never argued in front of us, or even discussed it in front of us as far as I can remember. I have heard the stories as I have gotten older but back then I had no idea and neither did my 3 brothers or my sister. During my brothers wedding reception, my brother danced with my mom and then danced with my stepmom because they were both a very big part of our lives. When it was over, my mom and stepmom are the ones who stayed and cleaned up.
When I got married, we only had 4 hours to plan because my husband couldnt imagine getting married without his mom there and she was in the hospital and they told us she was most likely not going to make it, so we decided at 10 that morning and were being married at 2 that afternoon. We already planned on getting married, but werent going to start planning until 4 months later when we had the money to have our dream wedding. But anyways, we had a very small, quickly planned, but very intimate and beautiful wedding in my mother in laws hospital room while she laid in what we thought to be her death bed watching. Thank god she is still here today (more than a year later), I work hard every day taking care of her so we can have as much time as possible with her. My mom was there and brought a cake, grape juice (no champagne since we were in the hospital), she got me a thing for my head since I had a dress but no veil. And she brought some other things. Between her and my husbands stepmom, they made sure I had all the important traditional things like something blue, and new, etc. My brother was the best man because hes the only brother my husband claims and his sister was my maid of honor because shes my best friend and my sister didnt have enough notice to travel 4 states. His stepmom came and got pictures with all of us and there was no problem between his mom and stepmom because they both love him ( and me), and they get along for him and the grandkids. His sister picked our kids up from school and brought them for us and we had about 5 close friends there. Oh and my brother is also the one who gave me away since my dad didnt have time to make it. When I knew we were doing it, I called my dad and stepmom and although they were a little upset they couldnt be there, they understood and were happy for us. My dad said he was fine with it as long as it was one of his boys giving me away since he couldnt. They said they love me and to send pics and video when we were done. When they watched the video that night, they called me and my stepmom was still crying and she said my dad cried too, but hw wont admit it. We still wanted our dream wedding, not huge, but with all our family there and a reception and my dad to walk me down the aisle. So my mom and stepmom already know and have plans to work together to plan our wedding along with my mother in law, when we decide when we want to do it, and nobody has a problem with it. My stepmom even wants to come down for a week or 2 by herself a couple months before so she can help b us with dresses and everything else in person instead of over the phone. And on my (big) wedding day, my mom stepmom and dad will be setting in the front row together and my oldest brother will walk my mom and stepmom down the aisle together since my moms husband passed away. And my moms ex, who was my stepdad the majority of my life will also be in the front row with them and possibly even his new wife. And my mother -in-law, my step-mother-in-law and my father-in-law will also be in ths front row together on my husbands side. (Husbands mom is also a widow, or he would be in the front row too.). And everyone will be happy and get along because they all love us and even though we are already married, it will still be our special day to share with all of our loved ones that were not able to make it the first time. I have no doubt in my mind that they will all respect our decisions on that day and just enjoy it and have fun because we are all family and love each other. We may have divoced parents, but my husband and I were both lucky enough to say we have several people in our lives who have made huge impacts on our lives all in their own way and each and every one of them did everything they could for us and all had a helping hand in the way we were raised and in becoming the people we are today and with the values and morals we have. And we go together as young teenagers and became parents and were even friends before ever dating, so it wasnt just my family i learned from, his family has also taught me alot of things and were there for me when I became a young mom and really grew up. And the same for him with my family. My family has also taught him alot of things and were there for him when he became a young a dad and really had to grow up. There were things that I learned from his family that I never learned from mine, and things he learned from my family that he never learned from his. And that just makes our family that much stronger and full of love. And those are the reasons why we dont have step and half parents or siblings in our families. We are just family, and everyone is equal because they all did their part in making us both who we are today. So they all deserve to sit in the front row when we have our big wedding and they all have just as much right as the next to be proud and keep doing their part like they always have. Sorry I just rambled and its so long, i just think people should think twice before making a final decision on anything. Hopefully I have said something that will somebody or open somebodys eyes to what they really have in their life. Good luck to everyone.

Jake - posted on 04/01/2014

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lol...this has been super fun to read! I am the bio mom. Bio dad and I are both re-married. First I want to say to all step moms...if you are guilty of stating the following on this forum "I WILL SIT", "I WILL WALK OUT", "I WILL CHOOSE NOT TO GO", all “I” statements meaning you are all about you and your insecurities and you probably should have made better decisions about marring a man with existing children. Those of you that whined about the bill…giggle giggle…its called parenting! REMINDER...he made a promise to another before you regardless of who's fault it was the marriage/relationship ended and that promise must be upheld...most of you think I am talking about the ex-wife (hence the issue is with you) THE PROMISE WAS MADE TO THE CHILD!
Now that being said...our daughter loves loves loves both of her "step" (such an ugly word) parents and we will sit together as one and share the experience and the deserved honor of being parents to OUR beautiful daughter. REASON: if EVERYONE had not put our daughter first, created a family bond at each home and together she certainly wouldn't be the healthy minded woman she is today.
Story: Our daughter is a type one diabetic and was diagnosed at age 13. We spent 3 full days in the hospital to receive diabetic education. Now imagine if we had argued over who deserved to be there while she was absorbing a major life change. All four parents spent 3 days in classes, in a hospital room… together. When leaving the hospital the social worker stopped us and said “it has been a privilege to witness such a healthy blended family, to know that this is indeed a possibility, that this young lady will grow in to a fine healthy minded woman because you all loved her enough to put her first”. As a parent could you ask for a better complement?
Ask yourselves what a social worker would say to you? Do you think things are really that great with me and the ex? Do you really think there have not been issues with step mom? Please ladies we all know the answers to those questions…we ALL need to put the child that is the victim of a failed marriage/relationship first. They didn’t ask to be born in to this situation, or to be guilted or tortured with others insecurities, they have the right to a family or families. Suck it up girls these are our very adult choice they have been plagued with.
BTW: I am aware there are lots of bad bio moms, but that is where you made a life choice to marry in to that mess.

Carla - posted on 03/23/2014

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My son was a grown man when his father remarried. I feel that the step-mom since she had job in raising him should set in the 2nd row. while the sons biological parents sit in the front row. After all it is their sons wedding and as a a step i should take my rightful setting in the second row out of respect. after all the sons father will spend the rest of the time with his wife and be going home with her.

Catherine - posted on 03/01/2014

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I'm a step mom of 2 and my 26 year old step son is getting married. His mother passed away 12 years ago. He has been a part of my life for 11 years. I see him maybe once or twice a year, He is getting married this year and has invited me to the wedding. How do I feel? I'm nervous yet at the same time happy that he decided to invite me. I would have respected his decision no matter what he decided for you see the daughter when she was getting married was adamant that I was Not invited at first it was difficult for me but then I stopped to think, this was not my wedding but hers and if she found it difficult for me to be there then who I was I to judge and I respected her decision. I have mixed emotions about the upcoming wedding but I have spoken to my husband and I have told him I will Not sit up at the front with him. That is the place where my stepsons mother would have sat, if she was alive. I believe that my place is a back a few pews with our daughter. I don't expect a corsage and I don't expect a dance. This upcoming day is not about ME but about my stepson and his Bride. The fact that he invited me is a gift in its self and I'm not about to step on anyones toes or have anyone talk about me behind their backs. I have Respect for the late mother and hopefully the family will see that also.

Darlenemcgurk - posted on 02/22/2014

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I am the step mother of a son that is getting married. His mother died about 15 yrs ago. ours is a unique story. His mother was my best friend and his father was my late husbands best friend. That said, the kids grew up as cousins, and we all were very close. Well life took its own path and we are married for 10 yrs now. the kids all consider each other as brother and sisters, I have tried to honor his mother in making a wedding purse with a heart charm tacked inside for his bride to represent his mother being with them. He is doing his part in keeping his mother's memory at the wedding. I have known my step children from the second they came into this world and love them like my own. my concern is I walk a fine line to what position is at the wedding. He is having a lovely song for the two of us to dance to, his sister will going in the second half of the song. I have been reading a lot of comments about step mothers and there are none about if a biological mother has passed. the brides side has made It clear that I am almost family, and has made it clear that I am really not the mother of the groom. As far as I am feel I am the mother of the groom. Is my role the same as the mother of the groom, or am I just a step-mother that should step back. I need some guidance here.

Elisheva - posted on 02/14/2014

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this is crazy, I am not that friendly with my ex, but whenever there are functions involving our sons we step it up and act like parents. I really like his wife, so perhaps that helps. I was actually looking for ways that my sons' stepmother would be included fully as she has done nothing but loved my boys and been decent to me. She was included equally in their bar mitzvahs.

Keltara - posted on 02/08/2014

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I do not think I have ever been exposed to this type of immaturity before and I hope I never am again. Let me set a few things straight as a woman who has been it all. I am a mom, step-mother, daughter, and step-daughter, as well as a biological and adopted daughter. I've seen this issue from all sides of the coin and I am going to make this really simple for everyone here...

It is the BRIDE'S day... Let her decide what SHE wants. If you are a mother and she wants her step-mom to play an equal role, then shut up and let your love for her make it ok. If you are a step mom and she hates you, shut up and think about what you could have done to make your relationship better. If you are a step mom and she loves you, then feel honored that you have that type of relationship, but remember... it is HER day... not yours. You do what SHE wants to make the day easier on HER.

When I got married for the second time, I got to have the wedding I wanted but never had with my first husband. My adopted parents who are my mom and dad were both there and are still married to each other. That made things easy. My biological mom was there with my step-dad. My biological dad was there with my step-mom. My step-mom hates me for existing, and Im not sure what my step-dad feels as he is a very private person. My biological parents and their new spouses made the day a living nightmare for me with the bickering and the crap. Despite my step mom hating me, she wanted to be honored as one of my mothers (I have known the woman for about 2 years) and was pissed when I didn't allow it.

My adopted mother, who is also the oldest of the three of them, was fine. She did everything I requested from her along with trying to ease tension, but it didn't help. I wish my step mother hadn't come, but that would have kept my biological father away, along with my sisters.

As for the mom/step-mom thing... I have a son who is getting married next year. I am remarried legally, his father is a bigamist and his step-mother doesn't know it. I made one request of them for the wedding and that was to consider who played a more important part in his life; me or his father (note: his father hasn't seen him in 6 years and his dad's mistress despises the fact that he and his sister exist and she WAS the reason we broke up), when making the choices of who does what. I will abide by whatever they decide and I will do it with every ounce of grace that I have in me because I do not want to ruin that day for him or my future daughter.

So that's my story and why I say that step parents and parents alike need to give the bride whatever she wants and remember that it is her day... and to the pathetic step moms I saw on here who said "Im sitting with my husband"... sorry ladies, that crap doesn't fly with me. If you care at all about your new spouse you will honor what their children want on that day instead of trying to be all bad about it. After all, you get to go home with him at night, what difference does one day make if it makes his child, who is a part of him, happy?

Keltara - posted on 02/08/2014

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Seriously? Patti, I do not know your situation or your family, but your attitude is horrible. First off, think about your step-child and not ruining their big day. This wedding is not about you and you should gracefully put yourself aside and allow this younger person to have the day as they want it; after all it is about them and their future. Secondly, not sitting next to your husband shouldn't be a problem at all and if you were mature enough to handle marrying a man with children, then you should be mature enough to realize that YOU are not that child's parent.

Mindy - posted on 01/23/2014

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Just a switch up! My step daughter is getting married in September. Our relationship has always has been toxic. She blames me for breaking up the original marriage and the friendship between her parents. (They were divorced three years prior to me coming into the relationship)! Well, she (bride decided she liked me enough when I offered to pay for the disc jockey, but totally disrespected me when she went to pick out her wedding dresses, with her mother, friends and bridesmaids. What is the proper etiquette for me wear as the step mother. I picked out a sheath, champagne color and very low in back. I'm thinking that is inappropriate. Additionally, her father agrees with me as far as the disrespect. Any help would be appreciated.

Judy-Anne - posted on 01/17/2014

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Unless she asks for it, don't bother. This is a special time for bonding between Mother and child only, it's not your place.

Dusty - posted on 01/15/2014

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As I am soon faced with two stepsons getting married, I do not want to step on their mother's toes but would like to offer help as well. What does etiquette say about offering help to the mother? My husband was not married to her although they had three children together. He is more of a "not doing anything unless I am asked or told" laid back kind of person. He will do anything for his children but isn't very take charge and that is why I would like to offer so she doesn't claim he didn't do anything. Opinions?

Judy-Anne - posted on 01/14/2014

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A Mother is a Mother. You CANNOT change that fact! men come and go, but a Mother and child is forever. take your deserving step back.

Lynn - posted on 01/05/2014

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I totally agree with Yellow Rose and know exactly what your talking about and insecurity has nothing to do with it.its about the union between husband and wife.

Lynn - posted on 01/05/2014

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I think its total disrespect to the step mother or step father to not be able to sit with her/ his husband/wife on any day. Mom and Dad got a divorce for a reason and that union was broken and another union was formed.leave it at that.

Evelyn - posted on 11/07/2013

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Nikki-What do you do in the case of the step mom only having been part of the family for a short, short time of a few years. She does not know the kids that well as of yet. And she has not bonded with the kids either but she expects all her kids to be in the wedding party (all 3 boys who are step brothers) when there is not such there. She complains when this does not happen. She complains about seating when it was set up by the minister rather than the families?

DivaSpark - posted on 11/07/2013

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I totally agree with Sue. The issue of not sitting with a husband is some personal insecurity on the step-mums part. Mothering is never about a pat on the back, so why bring up all the things you have done? Yellow: You don't know what the wife has put up with in her marriage, especially to knock her about not calling for two weeks.it sounds like you want to share the spotlight cause you contributed to parenting. Has it Dawned on you that you're the only on jockeying for position? Chill out please. You will still be married to him at the end of the night.

Staci - posted on 10/12/2013

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He got a beautiful engraved gift for his son. My suggestion. I paid for it also because he is unemployed. Waiting for disability claim. I just can't tolerate the disrespect on so many levels. Pray for my marriage because my doubts are now there.

Staci - posted on 10/11/2013

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I just went through the steps parent seating etiquette. I was sat five seats down from my husband even after he requested that the seats be moved. In this day and age of divorce there is printed etiquette. For second spouses. I was very upset and did not go to the reception. My husband stayed and regrets it. I am his wife and expect to be treated as such. It was a rude act by his son and was intended to send a message.

Deb - posted on 08/07/2013

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Thank you so much, you gently salved something that was a bit shocking. That woman can never change the fact that my daughter is my daughter. I am slightly sad that her apparent self absorption could mar a day I had dreamed of since my daughter's birth, but over and done, and I handled it with grace. Oddly enough, with my beloved stepchildren, we even put on their weddings at our beautiful home, killer for work, but this woman did pretty much zero, fine enough, but now suddenly she's trying to take over being Mother of the Bride?

Yellow - posted on 08/07/2013

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Deb, I commend you for being the bigger person in that situation. There is no sense in ruining your daughters special day. I am a step-mother and while my step-children are still years away from getting married, there is absolutely no way that I would ever treating their mother the way your daughters step-mother treated you. Whether she was never around or not, you are the mother of the bride and that is all I need to know. I have never, nor will ever go out of my way to step on the toes of my SC mother, despite the fact that she is a very mean person, it will be whatever my SC want on that day. I am able to swallow my pride and take the backseat when needed. I pray that when that day does come, my step-children will remember how active I have been in their life and will not completely ignore me that day, because I love them so much I would hope that they would include me. However, if they do not, I will be fine with that too.
It seems as though this woman did that mainly because she wanted to put on a front for everyone else to see so she can look like the better person and not the "evil step-mother" that she more than likely is. It seems as though your daughter knows who was there for her and knows who was not. In the end, you were the better person in it all. Many blessings to you and your family ! :)

Deb - posted on 08/07/2013

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My one and only daughter's wedding was Saturday. While quietly waiting with my (second, and wonderful) husband to walk in as Mother of the Bride, her stepmother, who hated having to have a stepchild, suddenly and bizarrely ordered me to "go and sit down". I quietly informed her "no, I walk last, I am mother of the bride". (Further info, I raised my daughter full time, then my second husband and I raised her the last two years of high school, the bride chose to walk with her bio dad thru tradition). Anyway, daughter's stepmum had a huge fit over my refusal to follow her orders, luckily my daughter, the bride, hadn't come upstairs yet...I just told her she could sit with her husband (fine by me, one does need to compromise in a stepfamily), but I would walk last, with my beloved husband. After a silent five minutes, she stomped out and sat down. As also a stepmum of three, all of whose weddings I have attended, my question is WHERE did this woman get off thinking she could try to suddenly pull off putting herself in there as my daughter's mother? At my stepchildren's weddings, both husband and I politely deferred to their mothers, as we feel it should be. I was gracious at their weddings, but did not try to suddenly position myself as " their mom", just for the spotlight. This woman hated having my daughter around, but when there's a wedding, she suddenly wants the glory? I think not, but I'm a bit angry, she tried to mar a very special day for me, absolutely no class.

Yellow - posted on 08/04/2013

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Liz, I am wishing you joy, love, piece and happiness on your wedding day. I am sorry that there has been tension from your mother and step-mother. I just wanted to let you know that I do not think any other women on here are advocating that the bio mom and step-mother should cause tension, as you do, I believe that the day is for the bride and the groom. I just think there are a lot of emotions going on for everyone that day, and they want to feel that they are included in the special day. For some step-mothers who have raised their step-children as their own, they feel they have been the "mother" in all ways. Therefore, that might stir up some emotions when it comes to their "place".
I am a step-mother, and I am very active in my SC lives. They do not primarily live with us, but we do get them every other weekend and for an extended amount of time during holidays and summer. I have already been faced with knowing my "place" as a step-mom. At times, it can be very hard. My SS kindergarten graduation, the parents went up to receive a special gift from their child, because I did not feel it was my place to go up, I sat there and waited for my husband to return to his seat as he went up with his ex. I take a backseat when it comes to things that are specifically for the parents. I do this because 1.) I am not the parent, it is not my job to invite myself to be included. 2.) as much as i do not like my SK mom and she constantly belittles and bashes me, I do not want to step on her toes and get in the way of her "spotlight", I would feel bothered if another woman was trying to step in as my kids "mother". and 3.) I do not want to force myself on my SK, I want them to know that I love them and will always be supportive of them, but I do have the respect for them to step back and allow them to have their enjoyment with their parents.

When it comes down to it, as much as I love my step-children, at the end of the day, I legally have no say in any decisions that require both parents. I can certainly put my input in with my husband and we make decisions together that affect OUR family in our home, but all in all, all other things are decided between his ex and himself. I am just the support in it all. Same will go when my SC get married, I will take a backseat unless I am asked by my step-children directly to be involved. I don't want to step on toes, especially when it comes to my step-children because I love and respect them.

Liz - posted on 08/03/2013

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Today I will be married. Last night I had a meal which was attended by my Mum, and step Mum. I've had 3 hours sleep due to weeping about the tensions here and am exhausted before the day begins. Here there is much talk of respecting the step Mum's wishes, and this is helpful plus every situation is completely different. How can a bride show respect to both of they want the same seat? So far, instead of feeling excited about our wedding day I'm exhausted with worry. Just another perspective to offer. Just for one day it would be nice for all of this to be gently put to one side because this is about the union of two people, witnesses by family & friends. To much investment and pressure encourages me to feel that we should consider a more private and less expensive kind of union. The last thing a new couple need is to be reminded of their parents separation. As I say, every situation is different and I'll power on with 3 hours of rest and all eyes on me for the day. Wish me luck.

Nancy - posted on 07/09/2013

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My step-daughter is getting married next Summer... she is my daughter in every sense of the word. Her biological mother chose a different lifestyle that did not include raising her child when our daughter was only 12 years old. My husband and I gained full custody of her and raised her along with my boys from a previous marriage. In our house, there are NO step kids....They are all just simply, "our kids". Now that she is an adult, and is out on her own, her biological mother wants to be a part of her life, and I encourage our daughter to include her. This weekend, we get to go wedding dress shopping, her mother is coming along with us. This is difficult for me since my husband and I are the ones paying for the wedding. BUT... I feel like I need to put my feelings aside, and be there for that little girl that I raised to be the wonderful young lady that she is today. As far as wedding etiquette goes, we will deal with whatever comes, but, as far as my daughter is concerned, there will be 2 Mothers of the Bride at her wedding. Just makes me smile to know that by her making this decision, I know that her father and I have raised her right. Do what works for you, not what is typed in a book. Times have changed... ALOT

Yellow - posted on 06/28/2013

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I am sorry, you can call me childish for not being "okay" with sitting away from my husband during my step-children's weddings. When I married my husband, we took an oath before God to stand together and by one another as husband and wife. I feel that it is a spouses right and duty to stand by their spouse in all things. When my husband and I are facing any challenge, we face it together, hand-in-hand... not one before or after the other or "taking a backseat". I feel it to be disrespectful to not allow two spouses to sit next to one another. I am not saying that a step parent should not be able to back off and understand boundaries between the BP and their child. There are times when my husband will spend alone time with his kids, and I am completely out of the picture. I feel that type of time together is a bonding moment for them since they do not see their father everyday. That is what I would appropriately call "taking a step back".

My husband has already told me that if his children cannot respect the fact that I am their step-mother and their father's wife, then that is something that they can either deal with or not. My step-children and I are very close and they love me very much, I feel its because they met me at such a young age, that their mind set only remembers me being there. From what they remember, I have always been around. I am sure that we will have bumps along the way as they get older and there will be some hurtful things said, but I feel we will always have a close relationship.

My husband has told me that if his children want to ask me to sit away from their father, then he will respectfully do his fatherly duty and participate in his role of the day, but then when it comes time to sitting, he will graciously sit next to me, even if it is with the guest. He says "you have been by my side since day one, you are my wife and you will be treated like such, our jobs as husband and wife is to stand by one another, and that includes sitting with each other as such, by one another's side."

So, that is a good enough reason for me. If others do not agree, that is fine. I am not asking for anyone to agree with me, but I do ask that everyone be open-minded and realize that everyone that posts on here comes from a different background and all of us have a different viewpoint on SP and BP. If you are fine sitting away from your spouse, great! But do not sit there and call someone immature or selfish for the way they feel, all marriages are different and people go about them differently.

Missy - posted on 04/30/2013

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When my son was married his step mother walked down the aisle with his dad and they sat together. Shouldn't she be acknowledged? She is a part of the family. It was sort of cute/funny because she was waving to people as she came down the aisle like she was royalty. I'm glad she enjoyed the attention. Because I was a weeping fool. We all sat together (along with my spouse) in the same row without issue.

My son's father and I have a decent co-parenting relationship. We can come together to celebrate events in our childrens (we have 3 sons) lives and agree on parenting time and school issues. We sit together at sporting events and attend school conferences together. We go to each others homes for parties when it involves our children.

Step-mom is new to the family as they have only been married 2 years but, she fits in with us. She calls herself the "bonus mom." She has a lot more issues with her new mother n law than she will ever have with me. Heck, I'm easy! :)

SL - posted on 04/12/2013

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A wedding day belongs to a bride and groom, but it does not mean that they can be disrespectful. Unless B&G have a specific problem with stepparent, then they need to respect the stepparent's position and seat them with their spouse. If MOB is unhappy, she can make her own choices to stay or go. If she stays, she needs to be civil to all guests in attendance. Luckily, I get along with MOB, but I footed the bill for the festivities, not her and I got no recognition other than to sit with my spouse. The wedding day was fun and I had a great time with everybody.

Bebe - posted on 03/17/2013

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but let it also remind you that Bio Mom wouldn't put these conditions on everyone with regards to how they address you or dropping your name from the wedding program if she wasn't jealous and insecure. I know it's cold comfort and I've been there and have all the scars but at times I shamelessly admit it gave me great pleasure to know I bothered her so much :) Bio Mom made an ass out of herself IMO as I'm sure all the guests knew that not seeing your name on the wedding program meant that Bio Mom has some major insecurities :)

Bebe - posted on 03/17/2013

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Margaret Roe.. you belong where your husband is sitting. What is your adult step daughter's point of view? Out of respect for her Father, this should NOT be an issue. His wife is next to him, period. Whether or not the bio mom hates you is not the point. She needs to get herself together for her daughters sake. Unless of course you are having problems with a them vs you mentality. How is the relationship between you and your SD?
Even if it's good, she may have this learned behaviour from her Mom and any act of kindness or consideration towards you is perceived by Mom as a knife in her back. I was a step mom for 9 years and I can say with almost percise certainty that this is the Mother's issue and she does not have the intelligence to refrain from playing out her hatred on her daughter's wedding day. Your H in my opinon should take a stand and even if it's not to attend the wedding, you should not be treated poorly because the ex wife says so. To me, that's a triple hurt from Bio Mom, SD and your own husband. Only other thing I can suggest is if you decide to sit at another table, tell them to set a place next to you, for the father of the bride, your husband!

Bebe - posted on 03/17/2013

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Personally, I think the article you read was totally written by a resentful ex wife who never found love after divorce.. I have always wondered how I'd deal with the 'wedding day' or more specifically, how I'd be treated. I never found out b/c I divorced the father of my 2 step daughters after 9 years of marriage & being a step mom. God bless you for loving and being a caring stepmom. I hope your love and devotion is respected, validated and rewarded, now and in the future. It's not always the case,
With regards to the wedding, maybe those rules of sitting a row or 2 back should be reserved for daddy's new girlfriend or cougar mom's latest conquest but surely, not for one who has a 'step mom or step dad' title. To me, good step parents are heros and their rightful place is next to the person they love (spouse) to share in the joy of seeing the child they have loved and invested time celebrate their wedding day.
I would think any stepchild who loved and respected their stepmom/dad wouldn't want them to take a 'step back', or back seat' Of course, I believe a child should have the right to take a photo with just the bio parents and that bio mom and bio dad certainly have the spot light with their child, but a good step parent naturally blends into that seemlessly and effortlessly.. A good step parent does not want to up stage anyone but does want to be a part of something they've put so much into.

As far as the dressing down. What? I mean no step mom with tact would wear a white flowing gown or a hoody that says "Mother of the Bride" but common' again the Author may have been expressing the point of view of a frumpy style challenged Mom.. My point is you can take a beauitful girl and put her in a paper bag and she'll look fabulous. Upstaging is in the eye of the beholder.
I truly feel it's all dependant upon who the ppl are and how they've related to eachother through the years of co parenting

Margaret - posted on 02/06/2013

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I am in a terrible position as my stepdaughter is getting married and i have been told that i cannot sit at the top table at the reception that they will find a seat for me with some other people, the trouble is i don't know any of the guests and i am very shy. the brides mother hates me and i am afraid there might be trouble as my Husband wont stand for it. i did not break up the marrage as they ere divorced for 20 years before i met my Husband. I told my Husband i would not go to the wedding as i don't want to cause any trouble. please help.

Evelyn - posted on 12/09/2012

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Coming from the mother of the bride, I got to hear about what the step mom though of the wedding after it was over. She complained to my son that her boys should have been in the wedding and it was not fair that they did not get to be. She forgot that her daughters with my ex husband were the flower girls and her youngest boy who is a step brother got to be the ring bearer. She complained about the place she got to sit. During the practice for the wedding, the preacher set the tone for where people sat. THat was not something I did or the bride or groom did. And at the wedding my ex did sit with her those couple rows behind me. When it came to helping with the wedding, neither she or my ex offered any help that I was made aware of and I was even asked by the groom's family if he offered anything. I helped out with making food, watching my daughter choose her dress, making the flowers for the wedding party and the corsages and boutiners, I also help to set things up for the wedding and cleaned up after it was over. She did not offer to help with clean up and instead they hurried out because of some excuse about the kids needing naps at 6 pm at night.



Its a bit unusual for the groom's family to set up the wedding but that is what happened in this case. It was nice for a wedding that had to come together in a month.



People need to remember this is not about them but the bride and groom. Where people sit and their place in the wedding has a lot to do with the relationships of people involved. So what if the step mom sits a couple rows back, and the step dad sits up front....you are not there to show off what place you have in the bride's eyes...you are there for her big day!

Mellisa - posted on 12/04/2012

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My dad and step mom sat right up front, right next to my mom and step dad......it was great lol

Jacque - posted on 12/04/2012

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I just attended my step-daughters wedding. Her father and I have been together for 6 and 1/2 years. We are not married, because we don't want to marry again, The mother has remarried and has been married for 6 1/6 years. The mother and her husband's name was on the programs as parents, but only my partner's name was on the program as a parent and not mine. (He paid for the entire wedding). When it came time to walk down the aisle, I had to walk down the aisle before anyone else, not as the same time as the mother and her husband. On the plus side I was included in the family picture, much to the mother's disgust. While I am not married to the father of the bride, we consider ourself in a committed, life time relationship. It hurts when I am treated as the "girlfriend" even after 6 years. It also hurts when the grandchildren are told to call me by my first name because I am not their grandmother but their mother's husband is called grandpa. I just grin and bear it and act like nothing is wrong, but I do let it hurt me.

Cristina - posted on 11/20/2012

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I LOVE the last post. I am going to use her as a source of advice from now on!

SL - posted on 11/20/2012

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Julianne - I feel your pain. You can't do anything about the wedding invitation, as deplorable adn insulting as it is. Attend the wedding as guests. I doublt if your husband will have a front-row seat reserved, but if so, sit with him. If that is not possible your husband needs to sit where you sit, under these circumstances.

Both you and teh father of the groom are being treated with terrible disrespect. Send a lovely card. Forget the gift. You two have already done that. OR BETTER YET - make the gift something engraved or personalized that includes your names. It would be great if you have something from your wedding to his dad that is engraved that you can pass on and add the bride & groom's name to. Wedding goblets? Cake knives?

There will probably be friends at the wedding to hang out with and have fun.

Cristina - posted on 11/20/2012

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Your husband sitting next to his ex wife???? That is ludicrous! Are they gonna hold hands now too? Then you you can bring a date! haha Whatever, ridiculous. I think mom should sit in one section and dad in another, by their spouses. OMG who comes up with this cr@p? Miss Manner has Missed the boat here-it's 2012, not 1800 and people are mostly from blended families. Was Miss Manners from a blended family? The she can just sit in the back row herself-pun intended...

Angela - posted on 11/12/2012

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Wow. You have some heavy praying and strategic planning to do. You will be the ones the grandkids love. Just you wait and see.

A

Julianne - posted on 11/11/2012

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I too am a stepmom who has tried to do the right things by my husbands son but I ALWAYS get the shaft.I have been married to his dad for the last five years and in his life for the last nine. His mother abandoned he and his father and ran off to live with the man (who also left his wife) she was having an affair with for a couple of years before she gotcaught by the man's wife.(they were next door neighbors. The ex never paid for anything for this child and never did anything for him except to encourage him to always make decisions that would hurt or piss his father off. I have been demonized mto his son even though I had nothing to do with their split. After they divorced and he was dating me, she deceided that she wanted him back and is forever furious that he didn't take her back. Now, the son is getting married, and made wedding plans and never told us. We found out when (knowing he was engaged, but that's another story)we asked if they had any idea of when they might marry. To our surprise he told us of the date and when I asked who was paying for it, he replied his fiance was paying for most of it and when asked who was paying for the rehersal dinner and bar tab he replied my Mom. I told him that that was probably good because we just finished paying off four years of college for him to the tune of almost $100,000.00 and we were done paying for anything else as we still hold a mortgage and both of us drive old cars that will have to be replaced soon. We received their wedding invitation and it read: Mr. and Mrs. W...... and B.... Y.... and Dr. J..... L........ and Mrs. B.... L........ ivite you to share a day of hapy beginnings with the marriage of their children , and so on. Well, my husband was pretty mad and I was furious Mrs.B.... L........ is the ex wife and she has never remarried. When we questioned his son he said that they deceided to only inclued his birth parents. And he made reference to the fact that his mom was footing the bill and not us. We had to remind him that we paid for all sports (very exspensive , as well as money for tutors and boards etc.) in order to give him the credentials to get into med school, which he has. Of coarse the girlfriend had to immediately get engaged and shortly thereafter married. Mom had written into the divorce decree that she was to have no financial responsibililty for her child what so ever. Beleive me, she held to it. She is also well off financially. They barely have included his father and I am only being invited because they are stuck with me. His fiance and her mother have become friends with the ex, which is what she always does to irritate us and make herself look good and us bad. What should be a happy occasion is now dreaded because we don't know what else they will try to pull. I will tell you this , there will be no pew separation between his father and me or I will walk out. We have let it be known that we want no contact with his mother at the wedding if nothing else but not to give the fasad that his parents are still a couple. By the way, his son has lived with us all these years because he didn't want to live with his mother and the man who helped break up his parents marriage. Any feedback? I don't know how to get past this one, and I have had to get past many.

Angela - posted on 10/08/2012

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Kids will always love their parents no matter what the parents have done. I get this. But I have been a Momma to my kids like I have been to my birth kids. I have sacrificed MUCH to show that I love them. Not because of that, but because I do love them. A Momma loves up on her kids and protects them. I didn't birth them but they are mine. I feel like I should sit with dad.

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